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PostPosted: Sun Aug 21, 2016 5:35 am 
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Lesson 33 – Day 7

At the end of the week, assess the level of effort you put into this task. Did you remember to consciously seek out such developmental opportunities each of the seven days? Post your assessment in your thread.

I have made a lot of effort on this exercise this week. I am fully aware that I am emotionally immature. I do not know if I would have work that much if I would have not relapsed. I think yes, because missing attention to recovery is currently a source of shame and guilt for me.

Today I struggle with many sexual emotion again (from waking up, to girls seen in the street), and each time I develop the following practical scheme:
1. Be aware that I am developing an emotion in relation with sex:
- Create a fantasy to legitimate masturbation
- Need to look at an attractive woman, hoping she will notice me
- Need to obtain the recognition of buddies even if the talk is against my value
2. I recall to myself that this emotion will drive me to a behavior against my value.
3. If I am not very busy, I need to refer to the fact I need to distract my attention, waiting that the emotion will end naturally
4. If not enough, I will refer to the guilt and shame that such behavior would generate, and recombine the 2 previous "stoppers"

I must be honest I did not succeed to evaluate clearly the intensity. I am afraid intensity increase with time/duration and an kind of feasibility assesment:
 If I have time for fantasy, the intensity will increase because I know the behaviors is possible, so the immediate gratification is reachable
 If the fantasy is triggered accidently (let’s say a girl passing in the street), the intensity will not go too far (as far as I do not decide to follow the girl).

At the end of the week, I feel a bit confused:
- Very despair about the discovery of my total immaturity
- Fear about my ability to manipulate myself, fear about the fact that recovery will be a long road
- Unsatisfied by my self-preventive pattern, but it is better than relapse and shame
- Unsure about how to transform this into an actions plan (to not be only an abstinence re-inforcement, but to develop more awareness)
- But I learnt something about myself, and this is for sure a step forward
- I need to continue to educate myself about this skill, the same way. I want to prevent higher emotion to drive me to complusive behaviors.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 22, 2016 10:27 am 
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I won't post my lesson 34 and my healthy monitoring for which I worked today.

My wife has read my thread. She had suspicion about the feeling I expressed to her in the past few days. So she read all my thread.

No one will know If finally I would have tell her the truth about my relapse. This future will not exist. Now she knows about everything.

This morning I tried to help myself on my decision making about "talk or not talk about the relapse", to identify where the immediate gratification pushed me.
For 1 week I tried to find confort back about this situation, especially by working on recovery process and by developping a better preventive system.
But the trouble remains, the problem was not sorted, so this morning I tried to analyze what was behind that decison:

What did I violate?
> I miss respect my wife
> I miss respect a commitment to my wife
> I miss respect myself
> I did not respect my healthy value (protection)

What are the fears for talking?
> my wife told me she won't come back if I relapse during this period alone
This fear is related to immediate gratification. I see life as "all or nothing", this commitment is clear. I want to see her again, I want to see my children. But I do not accept that I should be punished for that, I consider this just as a relapse, I can improve... and so on. I am not ready to fight the consequence, I saw myself living without her and my children. This was emotionally unconceivable. This push me to lie and minimize.
> I need absolutely to tell her because, I need to protect her
This touch deeply my value. I took risk, I do not want to give risk to my family anymore. I feel guilt and shame to be so immature to put this in the balance of my emotionnal confort. There is no question, I must tell.
> my wife asked me to warn her about relaspes as soon as it happen
I told her about my slip few days before and I really did not understand at that time why I was not able to manage my emotion and anticipate the consequence. By the way as she is 10000Km from me, I felt uncofortable to tell by phone. I have a conflict: tell now and take the risk she will not come back, tell later and consider I miss respect a commitment

I identify as the main source of anxiety for the next week. And by the way I am scared about the weight of immediate gratification in such decision process which is basically very clear from my value point of view. I always seek for the most confortable situation.

But now it is too late. I have to assume the consequences. I did not say the truth, my wife discovered by herself. I won't have that personnal satisfaction to say it. And I won't have the shame to not say it. At least she is physicially protected.

She knows who I am now, where I am in in my emotion mastering. We did not talk that much about what she feels, and of course with my lack of empathy I can not guess something else than disappointment and angryness. I was only able to express my shame, just speak about myself.

I never lied in my thread. I probably misunderstand topics and fore sure I used recovery to find emotional confort. It is a manipulation, but that is the only way I know. I understand emotions as "all or nothing". I never lied in my thread, I worked on it with sincerity but I know now that I used what I learnt to continue to seek for emotionnal confort.

I will continue tomorrow my work. This new event won't change my wish for recovery and for healthy behaviors.
This morning I wrote I will focus for my daily monitoring on the 4 next topics:
1. Decision making process - seek out for awareness for every decision I take especially
- if I feel trouble during or after the choice
- when I have a compulsive emotion
2. Maintain connection with my wife
3. Maintain happiness, presence and support to my family
4. Assess my daily actions with 2 news filters : meaning against anxiety

I won't change my plan, even if the context is not the same. The monitoring will be rolled out in assuming the consequences of my behaviors, not in struggling emotions.

My priority now is too keep a connection with my wife, behave as an adult, to support her decision in respect of our children, and to see my children again.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 22, 2016 10:58 pm 
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What to do next ?
We spent a long time on the phone with my wife. She speak most of the time. I am not able to express anything. Anything to support, to have empathy.

She read all my thread. She learnt about the relapse, about everything I did not say. She knows about the fact I continue to struggle with fantasy, I continue to have image about past affair. She knows aout my immaturity, she found my value inconsistent. She found she has no place in my life, in my vision. I was not able to face what she said.

She supports me for 10 month now. She is tired. And I am not able to let her rest. I am not able to offer her confidence and hope.

I have several decision to face. Each time my mind define plan to find comfort, immediate gratification. I am tired too.

My wife asked me to think with my earth. What is her place in my heart? A question is like a decision.

My immaturity let me behave like a child to her, since the beginning. It is true I have been unfaithfull since the beginning. It is true that I consider her more as a playground partner. It is true I use her to build an image. It is true I escaped when she needed me in the past. All that behavior is due to my emotional maturity. I am not seeking for excuse, but it is my only model.

What about my heart? What would I give for her? Would I be able to leave my confort for her love?
Here is the conflict that will come, here is the proof of love.
Let’s imagine, which is most probably the case, she won’t stay in China with me? What will I do?
 Immediate gratification : I won’t be able to leave my job. I won’t be able to leave the confort I still have for something emotionally unsure
 Value : Turn back to France with her ASAP, whatever our couple situation, to stop the pain, explain to my company my decision. Emotional uncertainity is hue.
Word will not convinced her I love her. I can not convince myself for recovery as well. Only action is possible from now.

4 topics to monitor :
 The immediate gratification in decision making
 The connection to my wife
 The happiness of my family
 Value (here Love of my wife) against stress
I know what I have to do.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 23, 2016 8:58 pm 
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Lesson 36 Exercise:
I. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.

During a diner, a party, between men, the talk slip on sex story. Someone starts to tell about something related to sex (girl met in a bar, affair…). Despite the guilt of my behaviors, I authorize myself to join the talk showing interest. This behaviors create sex fantasy and increase the intensity of the party, which may lead to acting out after. This is a very repetitive scenario. A starting point.
 > I focus on behavior, but I underestimate external factor. In abstinence period I try to avoid such event. But it is not a good way to control my life. A boundary would be “Do not authorize myself to give any comment about sex during diner or party if someone or the group start a talk related to sex”. This is not abstinence, this is respect of my value. Proactively I can change the subject.

During sex massage, the girl propose me oral sex and I accept and I do not check and require for condom. This lead to serious healthy risk.
 > If relapse, I must check and require to wear a protection

I am not completely sure to have understood the concept. But it is true that external factor are important in the start of a ritual, of a behavior. I am fully responsible for my recent relapse but I identify clearly external factor that I was not able to anticipate. I think the difference with abstinence is the fact that boundary are in completely and practically related to my value.

II. Describe a situation in your life where having solid boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.


I do not have experience solid boundary about sex in my life. Actually I would clearly say that they disappear with the time over the last 20 years, by seeking for more intensity and fighting against habituation.

Basically I could say that 5 years ago, when I met a girl in a party, I stopped at talking stage, just seeking for attention, I never asked phone or contact, considering this would have negative consequence on my life. 10 years ago the boundary was before in the process, and 15 years ago I would not have idea to go out to meet girl. Going out was just to meet friends. I would not have been very far in the ritual if a gril would have talk to me. Fences were existing.

I have started to work on lesson 37, but I faced a problem with my value.

In first analyzis:
> I would like to define priority boundaries against my recent relapse and the fact that I continue to lie, to manipulate. And even if I betrayed my values, I do not how to strictly handle boundaries with such list. I will work on the boundary list, but firstly based on who did hurt with my behavior.
> On the other hand, by reading again the value and trying to define boundaries, I have seen that something was missing. I do not know what exactly, but I would say something about love. The value are here to support the identity. I honnestely think that the values I choose support my image. And here again is my immediate gratification. I misunderstand identity and image.

So basically I will work in 2 ways:
> continue from lesson 37, but based who did I hurt (myself, my wife, my children, the one I love)
> restart from lesson 2, to redevelop my vision and my values

Last night, based on my wife suggestion, I prayed. I prayed to feel my heart, my soul. To make sure it exists. Mental was not present anymore during this moment. And I have seen what was important for me. I will describe my vision.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 24, 2016 1:40 am 
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Lesson 2 – my vision

Who I am,
Someone seeking for self esteem, someone who love others to feed his heart,
Until now I thought I was the only one able to provide me what I was looking for
I develop unhealthy behaviors, and I finally never reached self esteem, and I do not ear my heart anymore.
I have hope in recovery, I believe I can be healthy. But I must be realistic about who I am, and who I can imagine to be.
I do not want to lie to other about myself.
I will seek for self esteem, and I will love to feed my heart.
And I can behave to achieve this vision.
I prayed, and I had a vision.
In this vision, my first love is to my wife.
I see her smile, I have my hand in her hand, and I smile too.
She offers smile as she offers love. We share this value. We are together. I am her smiling partner, she inspires my life, my passion, my project. I am a source of inspiration for her smile.
I love her for her heart. I am feeding myself with her sweet heart, her empathy. She helps me to follow my heart, to have dream.
I am with her and I am the main inspiration for her smile, I cultivate this smile, as a fire. I am present to warm her, and I offer her my sincere enthusiasthm, my energy and my creativity.
My mind is completely open to her. I had no secret, and she helps me to open my heart, to make it express. I respect her, I trust her and I am able to open completely and honestly what I have in mind and on my heart.
I respect her choice and whatever our couple situation will become, I will continue to love the beautiful person she is. I see her smile.
I am a good father, I support my children to be happy, to be balanced. I am offering my smile, my curiosity and my passion.
I am able to discuss with them, openly, I consider them as intelligent people, adult in being. I am present for them at any time.
Intimacy, I make love with my heart, with the one I love. Make love is to give and to show love to someone. I express my emotion to my love, and I respect her choice.
To the ones I love, I offer smile, good mood, happiness. I feel comfortable t them know who I am really, and I let them be comfortable to express to myself. I am curious about their experiences, their opinion. I respect them, and I am transparent about my value system.
To myself, I maintain a high self esteem by considering the long term consequences of my actions. I continue to feed my dream and curiosity with respect of my values, the one I love and my life. I assume I am naïve, and sometime helpless and fear face to a problem, and I rely transparently on other to help me.
I enjoy nature, I love exercise, and I am glad to share with the ones I love. I continue travelling, with and without moving, to enjoy landscape, situation and soul of the world.
My job is an important source of personal development to challenge my intellectual skill. I am seeking for opportunity to develop but my professional activity is balanced to let me time to respect all my other value. I do not act at work in contradiction with my value. I am honest and work is one of my value. I promote this value.

Realistic or Idealistic?
It is realistic in the way that I do not lie about what I am looking for. I have no idea what is healthy, but today I am seeking for immediate gratification on every pillars of my life. Until now:
 > I think I am the only one able to generate my emotion
 > By the way I manipulate people, by offering the correct image, that will provide the expect emotion for me
My goal is to have self esteem, not a good image. What is self esteem: proud of myself, something that give energy to build and to project. I do not know if it is healthy objective, if it is egocentric. But by the way, that is what my addiction destroyed on myself. I can not love anyone if I do not respect myself. My past behaviors did not succeed to reach self esteem. They destroyed my self esteem, and make myself someone unable to love, only seeking to satisfy his emotional confort.

It is realistic because it is already who I am, in a peaceful environment, when no negative emotion is expected. I do not say I am like that today sincerely, but I am really like that. During the month I spent in Europe this summer, with my wife, my children and friends, I have been this person. I gave love with sincerity. I receive incredible present, absolutely unexpected. Something that immediate gratification can not offer. I refer in this vision why others people are important for me. Maybe I am still immature to have expectation, but in previous value system I completely omit this aspect. This is for me important to remind what I will earn if I respect my vision, what I will lose if I continue to be unhealthy.
So yes it is realistic and it generates health.

It is idealistic because until now I never succeed to balance the anxiety of immediate gratification by my healthy behavior. I will continue the job, define the related practical value, define the boundaries, and test it over my recent relapse experience.
I fear about my mental ability to manipulate. I will read again and again this vision, to make sure it is my heart.

Tonight I will pray for this vision, I will pray for my recovery, I will pray for the one who suffer because of me.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2016 8:25 am 
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Today I struggled.
My wife and Children will take plane this evening and will arrive tomorrow.
Last night and this morning I start to reorganize the flat to prepare this new life. Prepare her own area for my wife, move the children playground. I am in the reality now, I must face the consequence, and I feel terrible guilt and shame about what I have made.
This morning I did not know what to do first: reorganize the flat, work on my recovery, work on my boundary, write my disclosure letter…
There were a huge amount of work. I felt very depressed.
I took a shower, I masturbate. I was not excited, not aroused, I keep eyes open, did not call for image and ejaculate within less than 1 minute. I was seeking for shame. I did not even feel any pleasure about orgasm, I did not authorize myself to feel it. I wanted just shame, and guilt. Terribly unhealthy. Then I pray.
I continue to think till beginning of afternoon.
My wife called me early afternoon. She wonder if this is not the worst decision of her life to come back. She called friend, she took her decision. I expressed my shame only. I feel helpless and hopeless. I want to help, but I know that I still emotionally driven, I am afraid to hurt again by seeking immediate gratification through shame and pity. I am afraid.

She will come, and I am lucky. I cherish this opportunity, and opportunity to recover. An opportunity to repair. Live with shame is a choice. An unhealthy choice. I have an opportunity to choose health.

Previously I reconsidered my vision of life. I will work step by step on this. First I define an evolution about my practical value, my actions plan. It is short term. It is based on what I have broken with my recent relapse and the lie I continue to maintain to my wife. I read again lesson 3, and lesson 32, seeking for help. To answer a question of lesson 32, I have no doubt about the sincerity of my recovery, but I have doubt about my ability. But I have the power to get this ability.

I understand that I work on previous value in a way to develop a good image. I was wrong for some point. I need to develop my self respect, to love myself.

Here are my main values at this stage.

DEVELOP MY SELF RESPECT
REPAIR WHAT THE VALUES I HAVE BROKEN TO OTHER
- Tell my wife I maintain lie about my past, by omission. Tell her I will inform her when I am ready for a full disclosure. Accept her reaction but keep my position. If I am not ready then I will continue to minimize based on her reaction.
- Listen to her boundaries she has defined to rebuild herself. Give all my attention to respect these boundaries. Tell her honestly if I am not confortable.
- Tell her the truth about my behaviors about any time
- Tell her my feeling honestly. Identify the decision driven by emotion. Express my emotion without seeking immediate gratification. Accept her judgement
- Support her the maximum I can, do not ask her to validate my decision, but explain my motivation.
- Keep connected to her at any time
- Maintain happiness, presence, comfort and support to my Children
DO NOT ACT IN A WAY THAT DESTROY MY SELF ESTEEM
- Be faithful to my wife, prepare boundary about related behaviors
- Stop social alcoholism, anticipate the moment, prepare actively boundary
- List the behaviors I consider unhealthy identify the related “object” and define a boundary to prepare if situation happen
- Continue to seek for opportunity to develop my awareness about decision making. Define necessary boundaries
PROTECT MY FAMILY
- Implement an actions plan and boundaries to protect my family from risk of DST infection
- Perform all necessary test on time to evaluate the risk of DST, and communicate about the result
- Define boundaries to respect my health
TO NOT DEPRESS
- Maintain my work on recovery, define an actions plan, move forward
- Be absolutely honest with myself at any time
- Talk to someone, say my problem to my best friend
- Define boundary about the sign of depress


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2016 3:29 am 
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Value, actions plan and boundaries

I did not write during the week end in to my thread.

My wife came back with Children. We live under the same flat but with separate room.

2 mains events:
 I have made my full disclosure to her. I told everything, I did not omit anything, about my past, about the lie I kept since the first disclosure 10 month ago. She listened to me. By the fact I explained I showed that I have never ever been faithfull to her. As I do not trust my feeling and emotion anymore, I have made this disclosure in a very cold way, without any empathy. I was not able to have empathy for her.
 The day after she wrote me a letter. A very personal letter about her story. Her life, her choice. This letter makes me understand what I have betrayed. My wife has choosen her life. She comes to me, fully, entirely, without hiding anything from her identity. She took a lot of decision, difficult sometime, because she loves me. This letter gives me a lot of thought. I have never been able to offer myself entirely to someone. I always tryied to protect myself. I consider this as a normal way. By the way I am not able, at least emotionally to understand her. I understand how much I betrayed her, how terrible it must be to discover that the man for who she decided her life, was a lier, has never been entire.

I do not know what to think about that. I have shame and guilt. But I understood that everything that happen is due to my decision.

Until now I could say that I just follow the stream during all my life. That is what I put in my initial vision 2 month ago. I was used to see the life like a stream, the goal is to follow the stream and avoid to be stopped, or injuried by a rock. But I start to understand that thius behavior is a choice. A choice to let others decide for me, a choice to see the life like a stream, not like a path. In this context, I could express some important decision of my life as following:
 I voluntary been a bad husband and father during the last 2 years in order to oblige my wife to take the decision to leave and to let me live my compulsive life
 I voluntary refuse to involve myself in the education of children to let my wife handle this burden but I accept to enjoy the image of a prefect family
 …

Am I proud of these decisions?

I continue my work on recovery, developing the practical value defined previously, into an actions plan and boundaries:


1. DEVELOP MY SELF RESPECT
1.1. REPAIR WHAT THE VALUES I HAVE BROKEN TO OTHER
1.1.1. Tell my wife I maintain lie about my past, by omission. Tell her I will inform her when I am ready for a full disclosure. Accept her reaction but keep my position. If I am not ready then I will continue to minimize based on her reaction.
 I did it last Saturday. I did not minimize, but I had a lack of empathy.
1.1.2. Listen to her boundaries she has defined to rebuild herself. Give all my attention to respect these boundaries. Tell her honestly if I am not confortable.
 I must respect for her right to intimacy, I must respect that she wants to develop a life on her own
 I feel guilt but I do not understand her trauma. She wrote me a letter, I understand what I have broken
1.1.3. Tell her the truth about my behaviors about any time
 Boundary list:
a. I will tell the truth about my behavior at any time
b. I will not omit anything about thuth. Omission is a lie, lie is a manipulation to obtain something from her without telling the exact truth. Lie is a decision.
c. I must bring the clue of what I say in case of doubt
d. I give her authorization to seek for the truth by any mean, she has not to feel guilt about that.
e. I will do a full disclosure about my past behavior and the lie I maintained for the last 10 month after initial disclosure
1.1.4. Tell her my feeling honestly. Identify the decision driven by emotion. Express my emotion without seeking immediate gratification. Accept her judgement
A. I will continue to work daily on my recovery process
B. I will continue my daily monitoring
C. I will put on the thread the excat truth about my behavior and my thought
D. I will report to my wife any stress point related to my work on recovery:
Unhealthy behaviors
Unhealthy thought
My emotional balance (what is my biggest fear)
My doubt about my decision making
1.1.5. Support her the maximum I can, do not ask her to validate my decision, but explain my motivation.
I will assume my duty about children education and house burden
1.1.6. Keep connected to her at any time
I will maintain listening and attention, I will not give up
1.1.7. Maintain happiness, presence, comfort and support to my Children
I will talk to my children about the situation
I will support education task
I will give them confort
I will work with my wife to protect my children what ever the situation will evolve
1.2. DO NOT ACT IN A WAY THAT DESTROY MY SELF ESTEEM
1.2.1. Be faithful to my wife, prepare boundary about related behaviors
1.2.2. Stop social alcoholism, anticipate the moment, prepare actively boundary
1.2.3. List the behaviors I consider unhealthy identify the related “object” and define a boundary to prepare if situation happen
List of unhealthy behaviors that could generate a major risk for relapse. A first work is about all the external situation where I could be motivate to restore my compulsive identity and seek for the immediate gratification of my image:
 Speak or listen about sex, affairs, stories with others men, at work, during a diner…
a. I will not speak in a way that I won’t speak in front of my my wife or the ones I love
b. I will mark clearly my disapproval: “Sorry this discuss makes me uncomfortable”
 Get drunk with people who are not friends
a. I will not get drunk with people who are not friend
b. I will ask for non alchoholic drink
c. I will toast with with non alchoholic drink
 Accept a last glass with people who are not my friend
d. I will refuse politely the invitation
e. If insisting, I will refuse politely
 Accept a greeting from an interested people (an unknown woman tells me I am handsome)
f. I will not answer the greeting positively (no smile)
g. I will tell that I am not interested
 To speak about my recovery process with people who are not friend
h. I will not speak about my recovery to people who are not my friend
 To refuse to say the whole truth to my wife about my behaviors
i. I will tell her the exact truth, without omission at any time
 To remind the “good memories” with a party partner
j. I won’t go out with few people (list)
k. I will notify them my unconfort if they speak about this issue
l. I won’t tell them about my recovery
 To accept a diner with people I know suspicious during business trip
m. I will accept only if this is absolutely necessary for work (there is a work to do, not simply a discuss) and I will choose the place
n. I will choose a place to make the work efficient
o. I will respect my boundary concerning social alchoholism
 To accept the excuse of business diner or professional obligation to not respect my values
p. I will apply my boundaries for every decisions related to going out with people who are not my friend
List of people I love, healthy referent : My wife, my children, the parents of my wife, my best friend
Dangerous, unhealthy people, unhealthy referent : Tony, Japanese boss of partner company
People aware of my behavior (directly by me) : Yannick, Jerome, my driver
For dangerous people I will talk to them asking them to not speak about sex, “good memories” in front of me. For people aware I will tell them about my pain about what I have made. I want kill my previous image

1.2.4. Continue to seek for opportunity to develop my awareness about decision making. Define necessary boundaries
Work on my daily monitoring, analyze my decision making process and prepare related actions plan, ask for help if needed
1.3. PROTECT MY FAMILY
1.3.1. Implement an actions plan and boundaries to protect my family from infection
By my behavior I took a risk about DST. Here below the actions I implement to protect my family until to know about test result
a. I will use a dedicated galss to drink, clearly identified, and I will inform my family
b. I will use a dedicated toothbrush, I will store in a specific place to avoid mistake
c. I will use separate set for cooking and serving
d. I won’t share food or drink with my family, I will always have a separate bottle, I won’t let anyone drink into y bottle
e. In case of injury for me, I will protect immediately to avoid risk of contamination
f. In case of injury of my children, I will use protection to avoid to contaminate them
g. I will have no intimacy with my wife, even kiss, until to know about the test result
h. Perform all necessary test on time to evaluate the risk, and communicate about the result

Risk after oral sex are the following:
Chlamydia – urine test – average 2 weeks, 4 weeks to be sure
Gonorrhea – urine test – average 1 or 2 weeks, 2 to 3 weeks to be sure
Herpes – blood test – average 6 to 12 weeks, 12 to 16 weeks to be sure
Syphilis – blood test – average 6 weeks, 12 to be sure
VIH – blood test – average 6 weeks – 12 to be sure

In consequence, considering that I took a risk on August 16th, I will perform the following test:
Full Urine test from September 13th
Full Blood & urine test from November 8th
Full Blood test from beginning of January 2017

In consequence I will respect abstinence till November 2016.
In case of relapse, I will wear a protection whatever the situation and the partner behavior. I won’t have sex without
I will continue to seek about the risk related to oral sex and related DST in order to define exactly when I can release protection to my family, and potentially restore intimacy.

1.3.2. Define boundaries to respect my health
Life must be respect, I must respect my life. If I am sick, I die, I will give pain and trouble to my family.
Even if this disturb me, I am sincerely obliged to consider relapse as a possibility.
a. I will not act in a way I would not feel confortable to tell to my wife
b. I will not act in a way I wound not feel confortable the person I love to see me
c. I will not act in a way to generate a healthy risk (DST) for me and for family

1.4. TO NOT DEPRESS
1.4.1. Maintain my work on recovery, define an actions plan, move forward
I will Focus my work in developing self esteem
I will permanently evaluate my emotional balance : what is the most stressfull point at the moment
I will speak loudly, or to someone about the most stressfull point to avoid think to create mental fantasy
1.4.2. Be absolutely honest with myself at any time
I will never lie when I write to my thread, not be afraid to write as I think
1.4.2. Talk to someone
I wrote to my best friend to tell him I was sex addict and asking him if I could call him. He accept
I will plan a phone call with my best firend
I will break my image by confessing my guilt and shame to people aware of my behavior
1.4.3. Define boundary about the sign of depress
I will continue to handle my duties whatever my mood: go to work, support home burden
I will pray every time I feel despair


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2016 3:17 am 
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Boundaries (lesson 37 & 38)

My wife told me something interesting about my betrayal :
 I never had empathy of my life, she get used of it,
 But she thought I had strong value, and actions was my way to affirm my values,
 She saw me as someone intelligent, by the way she trust me because most probably I had think a lot about it.

Currently:
 I still have no empathy
 She can not believe my actions
 My intelligence has been used only to manipulate

I agree:
 I will not develop empathy immediately
 Act is my only way to prove myself I recover
 I need to freeze my “mental” for decision making, develop more instinct

I underlined 2 sentences in lesson 38:
While your decision to participate violates your existing boundaries, you are considering changing your existing boundaries and/or suspending them for a particular event.
The key is, that when you change your boundaries, or temporarily suspend them, you do so by choice. And you pay particular attention to the consequences of that choice.

Here are 2 example of not respect of my boundary, of my values:
1. The day just after my relapse, I decided to take a plane to go back to France and say everything to my wife. I even pre-book the ticket. But later I cancel. I had my wife on the phone, she was in good mood, and I start to mentalize the reaction. And finally I decided to cancel my flight. This attitude generate a lot of shame, but push later the incomfort to tell the truth
2. 3 days ago, I have been invited to a party by a group of man plan in 10 days. I do not want to go, even if I can consider these people as friend. I prefer to see them in another context. I call the organizer, clearly decided to tell him that I won’t come and explain him why. The reason I wanted to say was related to my addiction: “I won’t be good for me, I am not reasonable during party”. Hopeful the communication was poor an I had no time to explain anything. I say hopefully for 2 reasons: making this explanation was a way to keep an image (the good guy). There is no value to tell him anything about my problem. And second, most important, as he knows my wife, this would have been like a confession of my unfaithful behavior, and a supplementary humiliation to my wife

What do I learn from these 2 situations:
On case 1, I had instinctively the idea to behave according my value, my commitment and boundaries. But I change my mind because of emotional context. My wife was far from me, and in a complete different emotional status (she was happy at that time enjoying summer time with children and friend in a beautiful place). For the moment it inspires me the following boundary:
o I won’t lie about my state of mind: if I feel bad, I will say it…
o I will require to have a special talk with the person to share my
o I will organize a special communication moment
On case 2, my instinct was not correct this time. I have been too quick to react. The consequence could have been very negative for my wife.
o I will consider the consider consequence before to behave

There are contradictions between these boundaries:
o On one side I will not lie to the one I love
o In parallel I must consider the consequence for the one I love before to behave

What are the difference about these 2 situations:
o First situation, is directly related to someone I love, someone very important for me, someone I respect, and someone who is a value referent
o Second situation, is related to a functional frien. Someone from who I have no expectations, someone I do not love (does not mean I do not like) in the way that I would not do any sacrifice for him

By the way, I do not need to say the exact truth to the functional friend. I do not want to go to the party, but I think it is a nice attention.
 I will not use and speak about my recovery who are not the one I love
 I will show them respect for their attention, and I will decline politely any invitation

I need to underline 4 things about last night:
1. My betrayal to my wife involve a lot of thing in our day to day life. As a consequence, there’re many places that trigger her. I understand. What are the place:
o The riverside, where my mistress used to live and where my wife met her
o The mountain next door where I date my mistress
o The Chinese women in the stress when they dress showing their legs
o Our bedroom where I had affairs
o The beach in HongKong, which was a like fresh air place for our family, but where I invite my mistress
o The Chinese Ideogramm for “hotel”, symbol of my secret life
o The fun fair, where we used to spend Christmas in family, remind her that I spend the day before Christmas 2014 with my mistress.
o To see me watching at my phone at night
o …
Currently she has no space where she can feel good, clean. I polluted so many thing with my behaviors.
I will show attention to these triggers. I will avoid these triggers, I will involve myself to create confort and happiness in new place. I
2. In my previous actions plan list I miss a clear commitment about social alchoholism
a. Until I can honestly have clue of a real recovery and healthy, I will refuse any opportunity to go out to bar with people I do not love
3. Before to go bed, after talk with my wife, I checked my email. Because of time difference with HQ in France it is a kind of habit. I made a quick answer to a request from my boss, and I receive a first feedback from my “skill review” coach (a woman, I consider attractive). She read my first work (we will start officially next Monday), she made an answer: a little humor, some greetings and good questions. I will work on that question (a lot of question about empathy and emotional management), but I have been trouble by her email, and I start to fantasy. Not sexually, but the fact to receive a kind email, showing both attention and recognition, from a woman I consider attractive, has troubled me. I took a long time to fall asleep, I start to think about the answer, but my thought were polluted by fantasy. I refocus on the questions to let the fantasy go, to reduce intensity. But the trouble exist. I will tell my wife about these thought and think about this during the day.
4. I succeed to talk to one of my “addiction” mate. A colleague with who I have been several time to seek for prostitute after a party. I wanted to ask him to not anymore talk to me about “good memories”, sex and related topic, to stop to send me chat. I wanted to do to break everything that make my image. I hesitated 2 days but I did it. I am proud of this, because I say the thing, I say “I feel bad, I have a very big problem, I have maybe a last chance to recover”.

To summarize and turn to lesson 37 and 38 exercises
Tell her the truth about my behaviors about any time
1. I will tell the truth about my behavior at any time
2. I will not omit anything about truth. Omission is a lie, lie is a manipulation to obtain something from her without telling the exact truth. Lie is a decision.

3. I must bring the clue of what I say in case of doubt
4. I give her authorization to seek for the truth by any mean, she has not to feel guilt about that.
5. I will do a full disclosure about my past behavior and the lie I maintained for the last 10 month after initial disclosure
6. I will answer honestly about my state of mind, whatever her emotionnal status
7. If I do not feel confortable, I will tell her, I will require to a have special communication with her (Orange = big trouble, Red = major issue), I will organize this moment
8. I will take attention to avoid situation, place, allusion, people for which I am aware of a relation with my past behaviors

[b]Tell her my feeling honestly. Identify the decision driven by emotion. Express my emotion without seeking immediate gratification. Accept her judgement[/b]
1. I will continue to work daily on my recovery process
2. 2. I will continue my daily monitoring
3. 3. I will put on the thread the exact truth, my sincere perception, about my behavior and my thought
4. 4. I will report to my wife any stress point related to my work on recovery:
>Unhealthy behaviors
>Unhealthy thought
>My emotional balance (what is my biggest fear)
>My doubt about my decision making

List the behaviors I consider unhealthy identify the related “object” and define a boundary to prepare if situation happen
List of unhealthy behaviors that could generate a major risk for relapse. A first work is about all the external situation where I could be motivate to restore my compulsive identity and seek for the immediate gratification of my image:
Speak or listen about sex, affairs, stories with others men, at work, during a diner…
a. I will not speak in a way that I won’t speak in front of my my wife or the ones I love
b. I will mark clearly my disapproval: “Sorry this discuss makes me uncomfortable”
Get drunk with people who are not friends
a. I will not get drunk with people who are not friend
b. I will ask for non alchoholic drink
c. I will toast with with non alchoholic drink
Accept a last glass with people who are not my friend
d. I will refuse politely the invitation
e. If insisting, I will refuse politely
Accept a greeting from an interested people (an unknown woman tells me I am handsome)
f. I will not answer the greeting positively (no smile)
g. I will tell that I am not interested
To speak about my recovery process with people who are not friend
h. I will not speak about my recovery to people who are not my friend
i. I will not identify myself to RECOVERY
j. I will never use RECOVERY as an excuse to decline an invitation
To refuse to say the whole truth to my wife about my behaviors
k. I will tell her the exact truth, without omission at any time
To remind the “good memories” with a party partner
l. I won’t go out with few people (list)
m. I will notify them my unconfort if they speak about this issue
n. I won’t tell them about my recovery
o. I will communicate personnaly to these people my incomfort about these topics, and my shame about my behavior
To accept a diner with people I know suspicious during business trip
p. I will accept only if this is absolutely necessary for work (there is a work to do, not simply a discuss) and I will choose the place and I will inform my wife about my decision ASAP
q. I will choose a place to make the work efficient
r. I will respect my boundary concerning social alchoholism
s. I will share the planning (time, location) with my wife and I will take and respect my commitments
To accept the excuse of business diner or professional obligation to not respect my values
t. I will apply my boundaries for every decisions related to going out with people who are not my friend
List of people I love, healthy referent : My wife, my children, the parents of my wife, my best friend
Dangerous, unhealthy people, unhealthy referent : Tony, Japanese boss of partner company
People aware of my behavior (directly by me) : Yannick, Jerome, my driver
For dangerous people I will talk to them asking them to not speak about sex, “good memories” in front of me. For people aware I will tell them about my pain about what I have made. I want kill my previous image

Absolute boundary:
I will not act in a way I way I would feel not confortable to tell to my wife
I will not act in a way I would not like my children act now and in future
Until I can honestly have clue of a real recovery and healthy, I will refuse any opportunity to go out (bar, restaurant) with people I do not love



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PostPosted: Sun Sep 04, 2016 9:40 pm 
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Posts: 134
Lesson 40

I put on the side the lesson 39 about sexual boundary for the moment. I mean I start step 1, the list of my sexual belief, and think about step 2, ideally ending. Far too early to post something. It is very difficult subject at the moment (I do not like to think about sex, emotion still come too quick, so I prefer to do it step by step).

I would like to highlight 3 sentences of lessons that sounds very particular to me:
For instance, no matter how good of a partner you feel you have been, unless you can honestly say that you know the boundaries of your partner and hold those boundaries in reverence, you are not a good partner. You are at best a companion. > this is a terrible summary. But I admit it is true. Even worse I manipulated my partner.
Someone who has not learned to respect the boundaries of others tends to look upon people with an objectified eye. They perceive individuals not for who they are — genuine, unique souls — but rather, tend to identify them by the roles they play. Wife. Mother. Patient. Stranger. > It is a clear description of my vision unfortunately
All they consider is that: 1) this person is here 2) this person is erect 3) their own curiosity is piqued 4) the urge and opportunity to perform such acts is there 5) they stand a good chance of not getting caught > This decision making process description helps me to understand why intensity is stronger in some case: opportunity and feasibility = intensity increase. By the way, it explains that empathy development will be a key to not start ritual. See people as human being not as object.

This lesson 40 speak a lot to me. “Boundary” was in my wife language for several month now. I start to discover with the recent lesson. To understand and to respect her boundary is absolute key point for me today.

There are 2 things I would like to think about that : her pain, and what did I violate

Her pain:
She had a very violent emotional trouble that can be triggered at any time by different object, situation or even a word. This is due to the fact that my betrayal includes many behaviors of our day to day life.

I know she does not accept this state, these violent emotional wave, I know she fight against, in order to recover an emotional balance.

Until now, because I continued to lie, I was lying to myself about these triggers. With absolute honesty I am aware of many situation, word that could generate a violent emotion:shame for me, betrayal for her.

Until now I minimized these emotions. Now I start to develop empathy, compassion.
1. Listen, look at her : I can detect when she meet an emotion
2. Tell her how she feel, what is wrong
3. Listen to her
4. Refuse myself to be in defensiveness position
5. Say I am sorry
6. Listen to her, respect her reaction
7. Stay present, in silence, let her manage her emotion
This is the first thing I can do to respect her boundary. Respect her pain, accept her way to perceive. And help her, with compassion, to pass the wave, knowing that she does her best to pass the wave.

What did I violate
I betrayed her trust with my heart (romantic affair, lie), my mind (lie, manipulation), my sex (intimacy)
What does it mean it term of boundaries
 For her, to love someone means to be fully entire to someone. To not have any secret for the one she loves. As example, she suffered in the first year of our relation about eating trouble and she has a flirt during a business trip. She told me everything.
o I violate her boundary about the absolute honnesty
 I had many sexual relation unprotected. I did not respect my life, but I did not respect her life. This is a very shocking behaviors, the most unbelievable.
o I violate her boundary about the respect of her life
 I use a lot of my “good father, good husband” image to seduce, to sustain affair. I see my wife, my family, as object to contribute to my image
o I violate a boundary about empathy

Consequence of this violation, she suffers big emotional troubles/waves. I need to build myself, and the respect of her boundaries is important for my rebuilding process

How may I help her to reinforce her boundary?
Respect : respect her boundary. I have a problem, I create the trouble. Her boundaries are not the problem. It is normal to suffer. Do not minimize
No lie : say all truth at any time, say honestly my emotion, trouble
Empathy : to be present to help her to pass emotional waves
Absolute honestly : I have a problem. Assume consequence by referring to my problem, not her normal emotional trouble
Stop objectification : focus on assuming the consequence and act accordingly, be in reality, in detail, not in generalities

Lesson 41
This week end I shared with my wife about boundaries and especially hers. She wrote the second part of a letter about her history, from the birth to our first child to the disclosure.

It has been tough for her to write, and she wrote for me, for me to understand.

With these letters I can see some very important values for her, her boundaries, her perception:
 Life must be lived and is made of choice. With my perception of life as a stream, not as a path, I hurt her a lot. My dishonest attitude, my image of good father, and husband, destroy all the perception about very important choice of her life. Due to that, There is a normal conflict in her between the rightness of her value and the lack of confidence due to my betrayal
 I gave her the feeling of someone with integrity because I involved myself a lot in valuable activity for her, family… She loves me, and the fact to not trust me anymore, to see me as a monster is terrible for her. She is in a state of “wait and see”, which is in total conflict with her values.

At the moment she suffered a terrible emotional balance. She has no doubt about who she is, what are her values, but she lost a lot of confidence, and she is afraid about future.

I must be honest, I am very far to have empathy. My poor vision of the life, does not enable me to understand what does it mean a life with value, and by the way a life where our values has not been respected.

I told her about the sentence in lesson 40 :
For instance, no matter how good of a partner you feel you have been, unless you can honestly say that you know the boundaries of your partner and hold those boundaries in reverence, you are not a good partner. You are at best a companion.
It has sound terrible for her, so do I.

This morning, I feel despair, would I be able to developp empathy? Would I be able to make difference between attention and manipulation?

More than sexual emotion I need to control, today my question, my stress, my anxiety is only focus about my ability to manage this life skill.

I am lucky guy, my wife is still here listening and helping me. I will continue to move forward with absolute honnesty to her.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 05, 2016 8:20 pm 
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Lesson 42 – mastering rituals and chain

I Reviewed lesson 24 to 28, the lessons and my exercises (1 month ago).

Here are few remarks:

I wonder about others rituals that sustained my addiction : rituals to maintain frustration and anger
At the first time of my disclosure I said to my wife that I develop affairs because we had no more time for sex, I felt rejected, I felt a lack of intimacy, our couple was used…
Now I understand, this is something I voluntary maintain. Part of the compulsive chain was to maintain a stressed environment at home to give consistency to my sexual behaviors.
One part of the chain is to maintain anxiety in my day to day and healthy side of the life. I need to think about it.

I think I understand the chain and the consistency of elements to increase intensity. But I did not focus enough about beginning of ritual:
 What was my state of mind, my emotion
 Should I not start the ritual description a bit earlier

Point of no return: I fell uncomfortable with that concept. I still do not understand why I relapse 3 weeks ago, why I decided to see a prostitute, why I decided to have oral sex without protection?
First of all I have made it because at one stage I have decided that the opportunity was existing, and I thought it could be hidden.

I took again what I wrote on August 17th about this major relapse. At the time I described this compulsive chain with 52 elements.

I will try to highlight what was my feeling, what was the effect of the element on my emotion, and by the way how that effect my life management skills. I did not change what I have described, I just added few comments based on my latest learning.

1. I am on a business trip in a partner company
Feel bored, unconfortable to not be at home. Only satisfaction is to maybe go for a run with my colleague at night.
I feel unsure about my self. 3 days ago I slip. I told my wife. I did not understand immediately her reaction. I have the feeling that I continued to minimize the incident.
I was emotionally not stable.

2. The boss invited me and my colleague for a diner
From my heart I do not want to go. But I accept. I have an idea in what kind of place we will go. I lie to myself. I know there is an opportunity. I know this diner will finish with alcohol and option to go to a hostess bar, as Japanese men love.
A boundary is missing. I should have refused, I should have lied to this guy. I was emotionally not stable. I should have think about potential consequence: what is the point to accept a diner knowing the risk?

3. We had a good day at work. I succeed to reach all my objectives.
This achievement makes my emotional balance improved. Nothing about immediate, but the feeling to have build something for long term.
By the way I think my defence declined a bit with this “euphoria stage”.

4. During diner, people continue to socialize
I seat without enthusiasm. I am not in the mood. I know I won’t share friendly topics with them.
Alcohol will be present. I accept a beer. I do not decline strong alchohol.
I feel I have nothing to do here. I could talk about work, but 50% of audience does not understand English.

5. The language is mainly Chinese and Japanese. I can not speak too much and I do not understand. I feel a little isolate.
I still feel bad mood. I feel isolated, the discuss I do not understand, I do not want to involve.
But I want to keep polite. I smile.

6. I use the opportunity of discuss about sex, to go back in front scene
The discuss start to move to personal stuff. A guy told me I look like Tom Cruise and asked me if I have many girl friends.
At this stage I violate boundaries. Even if I do not play the game yet, I suggest that I have experience on that topic.
Once the boundary is violated, it is like everything falling down. I put a feet in hell. I am aware about what I have done, what I have said, I feel shame.

7. We drink a lot, have many toast.
A way, a bad way, to escape the difficult topic: I can not be friendly speaking about work (no one care anyway), I do not want to extend too much about sex, so I use alchohol to socialize.
Again a boundary is passed. I have nothing special to share with these guys. But I act in a way it was important to be part of the group.

8. The boss tell me he booked the hostess bar next door after diner. I continue my joke about sex.
When he says that to me, I answer it is not good for me. This time I use recovery as an excuse. But I am a clown. I pretend to have value, but I start to be drunk.
At this stage I violate serious boundaries about my integrity and self respect.

9. We move to the bar. I start to be drunk.
I am completely drunk, and I start to be a clown (from now I will say “clown” instead of “party man”). I start now the pure compulsive behaviors.

10. I become “party man”. The girls are not especially attractives but I play the game
Here I can speak about a compulsive ritual. I transform myself in a kind of drunk clown that exhibit himself.
At this stage I just run after the emotion intensity increasing.

11. The pattern is exactly like the party 3 days ago.
This is a compulsive ritual. I am not fully aware about what I do, about the consequence (first of all on my self esteem).
I notice that There is a chain. Let’s call this ritual “alcoholic exhibition”. I push very far the behavior, to reach a big intensity, an important self confidence. But at one stage, I probably notice that I am doing stupid thng, that interest only me, that I am a clow. So the I start a new ritual to seek for girl.

12. I start to feel excited. I think to myself that I could maybe have sex with one on these girls
I pass from a ritual no another, I seek for the contact to girl more and more. Until that point the clown was just drinking, singing, trying to be a kind of party leader, now I start to fantasize seriously about the girls.

13. We stop the party, the boss of company goes back home with one girl. I want to do the same
This time my ritual is stopped suddenly by the fact by my colleagues decided to leave. I have a feeling of unachievement. As explained the boss is ging home with one of the girl. It triggers me a lot.
All conditions are here for compulsive sex. From that point, my mind is only focus on the fact that I want to have sex.

14. I decide I want to have sex. 2 obstacles: I am with one colleague I do not want him to know that, and I have no cash
This demonstrate that I am still perfect aware and in the real world. I know the impact on my image (but no boundary) and I know there is nthing romantic behind (need to pay)

15. I turn back hotel with my colleague. We said each other “good night”, but I leave the room immediately
Why I do not simply masturbate? Beause it woud not have let me reach the level of intensity expected

16. I look for a ATM. I decided to return to the bar.
There is nearly 10/15 mintes walk to the next ATM. During this time, I remember m thought. I remember a tiny voice saying “Don’t” and another louder “I NEED”.
I felt a lot of guilt about this time, walking, whe I could have stopped the chain.
The elements 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20 gave a big doubt about my sincerity to recover.
These elements represent a break in the ritual, a break I did not use to recover my value, to re-implement boundary.
These elements are a clue that what I have made was a my decision.
Instead of calming down, I used these elements to generate SUSPENSE.

17. On the road to seek for ATM I see massage and spa saloon. No doubt about the service they propose.
Massage was not part of my past behaviors. Here I integrate something new, something I never tried. Something that fill all opportunities.
The intensity increase with this new opportunity

18. I think to myself about the “best” way to get orgasm
Suspense increase intensity, fantasy are coming

19. I take money from ATM and turn back. When I walk I hesitate between option.

20. I pass in front the massage saloon I have seen previously. I see a sexy girl in front. I decide to go in.
First opportunity, I go. It is new, it is easy, far less complex than bring a prostitute. I know it will be short.

21. They only speak Chinese, but we understand each other about what I want. I want to be masturbate.
I forget my shame, I see these people as service provider, like object.
I do not see myself doing that.

22. A woman drive me to a room. There is several room, I guess massage lady waiting inside.
Suspense increase intensity

23. I arrive in the room, she gave me “suit” and ask me to wait
Suspense increase intensity

24. I start to dress off, the grils arrived. I feel excited to dress off in front of her, to be naked.
Exhibition increase intensity

I won’t detail the element from 25 to 35. I do not want to generate emotion reminding these moments. This is something I fight against, too much image, just by reading. I feel shame that it can arouse me. That is the truth at the moment. I just can say during this stage, I am purely emotion driven. I want to postpone orgasm and I same time maintain high level of excitation with several ritual (like exhibitionism, voice, fake intimacy). The no-return point has been passed from a long time.
25. I put the suit, I lay on matress, she start her job on my back with her foot
26. I feel excited, I know because of alcohol I won’t have big arousal, I know I will come very quickly because of abstinence. I decide to manage intensity to increase duration
27. She remove her bra, I fell excited by the contact. I ask her if I can touch.
28. I decide to dress off completely. I want her to see me naked. It increase intensity.
29. She ask me to turn. I feel excited that she see my penis. When she start to touch my penis, I ask her to go slow.
30. I ask her if she can dress off. She understand I want more. She proposed me oral sex and tell me the price. I accept.
31. I dress her off by myself. I want to see, I want to touch. I understand I will increase intensity if I develop more intimacy.
32. I tell her to go slow each time she touch too long my penis. I touch her a lot, everywhere. I do massage to her.
33. Once I consider I reach enough emotion, I lay on my back and she starts oral sex
34. I know I will come quick, in her mouth.
35. I ejaculate in a very short time. I do not feel special emotion with orgasm.

36. I dress very quickly. I know I have shame.
Shame is coming immediately. I wear very quickly and go out from the room. I do not even see the girl.

37. I pay and say good bye, I cross the sexy girl of the entrance and tell to myself I would have prefer her,
Despite of shame, I still have compulsive thought, thinking it could have been better.

38. I go back to the hotel
Walking back, I turn back to reality. I feel shame about what I have made, I feel shame about not protected myself. I think about consequence: I did not respect my commitment, I lie to my wife, I did not respect my life and potentially the life of my family.

39. I feel really dirty. I feel dirty to had oral sex, to have ejaculate in her mouth.
Return to reality,

40. I took a shower, go to sleep. I fall asleep immediately.
Help to turn back to reality. I fall asleep before the conflict become too much important.

41. I woke at 5:30. Feeling very bad. But I am aroused
My thought are full of shame and guilt. My arousal become a symbol. I think about the consequence of my act.

42. I decide to masturbate. I feel guilty, and I know what I am doing is bad.
The shame is very high, with strng inconfort feeling. I am still aroused. I masturbate, I come quickly.
43. Few image and fantasy of last night come back
44. I ejaculate on myself, I want to feel dirty. I want to feel the contact with my shame
45. I smoke 2 cigarett. I relapse on that as well

46. I feel really bad. I know clearly disrespect all my commitment. I know that I completely decided to do what I have done. I was fully aware of non return point at every stage of the chain. AT EVERY POINT! And I decide that the immediate gratification will be better than the guilt. My emotion were stronger.
Here I try to find an escape. But I feel shame. I am still seeking for immediate gratification. I decided to have an unhealthy behavior, I acted out, I feel shame, I try to find a way to restore comfort, so I turn to what I learnt in recovery. I have a big doubt about my sincerity.

47. I masturbate again before my shower. I even try to go and see porn, but I can not because of internet.
48. I masturbate and fell shame in same time.
49. I have my orgasm. I look at my sperm. I want to see.

50. I take my shower, go to breakfast.
Time constraint – switch to normal life, but I can not remove this time my feeling.

51. I think a lot, I see the emotion, I do not understand the conflict, why I have decided to generate this conflict.
52. I start to write this post.
Decsion to understand my act and work on consequence with sincerity (but with very poor skill). My mood is very very low.
I ended at the time the chain at this stage.
All day I struggled about the fact I had to say it to my wife. I even book a plane ticket. I cancelled it when I got her on the phone, she was happy. I did not want to break that. I decided to maintain my relative confort.

I violate boundary because of emotional inconfort. The intensity was not strong at this stage. But I definitively violate this boundary (at the time I did not think about this concept, I was not aware about this concept)
Once I violate a major boundary, the fortress is falling down, very quickly.
There re a clear sequence in the chain of relapse
> First boundary violation during socialization
> unconfort to restore value
> try to switch to alcoholic socialization
> increase the intensity of the unconfort
> I drink more
> I can not stand the inconfort anymore, I start to speak about “men’s things”
> I move to a party place (restaurant to bar)
> It trigger my exhibition behavior
> this period is marked with a big activity (dance, sing, joke) the only purpose is to feel confortable by being the one we look
> A limit of intensity is reached once I start to realize that I am a clown, and maybe that so funny
> I seek for girls to maintain intensity, betting on my physical aspect
> the party is interrupt, unachievment feeling
> because of opportunity present, I prefer to go for a prostitute instead of masturbation
> I have a break, that I use to increase intensity by maintaining suspense
> During this break I do not control my urge and I decide to act out
> I will keep high level of intensity using suspense
> Once the choice is made, nothing else is important than the achievement of pleasure
> I implement ritual to make duration and intensity higher
> at one stage, I decide ritual is over and I focus on orgasm
> once orgasm is reached shame arrived
> but still compulsive thought
> I need a long time before to tur back to reality and think about consequences
> Big feeling of shame with doubt
> compulsive behavior: masturbation + forgivness action
> the normal life restart (time constraint), I decided to work on my problem

Reviewing this absolutely awful relapse, I have learnt:
 At this time, I did not have any efficient boundaries. I did not think in term of conséquences.
 At the time, I still minimized my addiction. I tolerate behaviors
 I violate very early in the process, things that I consider now as “Absolute boundary”
 I did not develop yet skill about urge control, I was not able to stop process during break
 I need to work about the prevention of unbalanced emotion and how I generate by myself anxiety
 It is not described, but the way I dealt with consequence has been driven by immediate gratification too

To summarize, 20 days after, my life management status
 I think the work on boundaries (others and mine) will offer a protection
 I need absolutely to develop more skills about urge management
 I need to reinforce my awareness of anxiety, as preventive method
 I need to continue my awareness about decision making


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 06, 2016 11:08 pm 
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Lesson 43 : Urge Control

Are the skills/knowledge in place ?
1. You have ingrained the pattern you were asked to begin developing several weeks ago: when you experience an urge, you immediately 'create a break'.
Recent relapse demonstrate I can not use efficiently the break, but I would the break exist, during which I am able to identify my emotion. The danger come from the fact that I identify the emotion but behave to extend it (in the case of my relapse)

2. You have a working knowledge of the mechanical role that compulsive elements play in altering the level of stimulation in any given behavior.
Yes, but my instinct is to go to driven emotion decision.

3. You understand the role that compulsive behavior plays in helping you to manage your emotions.
Yes, I have an understanding of the emotional balance

4. You have the ability to 'map out' your own ritualistic chains.
Yes, I can split a ritual in element, I can describe the emotion related, and its intensity.

I decided to move forward to Urge Control lessons.

Work one urge by one urge. I have tried to apply the form to my relapse. This relapse is a chain, made of several ritual. It is too large for only one form. I will use this method for future urge, or anxiety issue. But for today, I just want to assess if I understand this form, and by the way assess the urge(s) related to my relapse.

Step 1: list each element of this specific behavior
Previously I have described my relapse chain. It is made of several ritual actually:
 Alchoholic socialization
 “Exhibition” in bar/night club
 Masturbation (using prostitution)
Something clear is that I do not want to explore my emotion again like the way I have made from lesson 29 to 35. I do not want to re-explore past emotion. I want to be practical. I think about 2 ways:
 Continue to identify anxiety and anticipate situation and then I will identify potential ritual
 Do the exercise in real situation, when I fell emotion are not balance by unhealthy thought. By the way I could extend this exercise to unhealthy decision I could take : “hiding things to my wife”, “be angry..”
Based on previous lesson and my relapse compulsive chain description, I am convinced that emotional balance before even starting the process is a key point. I must develop this skill practically over several day to day behavior, even if not basically related to addiction

Step 2 : Emotional confort evaluation
 Over the past week
 Just prior the start point
 Just after the start point
 Struggling to not act
 At the end of ritual
It is what I tried to do in previous lesson posted based on my relapse experience. Anxiety is cumulative. In the case of my relapse : I start the day already with a moderate anxiety. I was unbalanced and it was favorable for compulsive behaviors to compensate this emotion unbalanced:
 The day it happens: Moderate stress - 35
o I feel stressed about my slip during the week and the react of my wife
o I start to feel lost in my recovery
o I feel bored by my business trip, the cultural difference

 Before start point: Moderate stress - 35
o The positive result at work during decrease my stress level (I pass to mild stressor)
o But stress increased about no illusion of the deepness of this socialization event. I feel stress to keep abstinence and boundary respect (even if at the time I did not understand the concept)

 After the starting point : Mild stress 80
o Alcohol + find a way to socialize reduced my stress.
o Compulsive behavior immediately rebalance emotion by feeding with immediate gratification

 During the last stage of ritual : Considerable stress 20
o I remember this absolute need for acting out
o The previous ritual has not been achieved, generating a big unbalance
o When I was in massage room my behaviors were driven by the need for achievement : orgasm, fantasy…

 Struggling to not act : Considerable stress 20
o I was really aware of my emotional stage
o But I have not been able to stop the ritual

Step 3 : based on element, when would have been the time to make a realistic value based decision?
This is clear, It is kind of question I wonder when I described my Relapse compulsive chain
Considering my level of anxiety during this day, I should have refused to go out for diner with colleagues, knowing they are unhealthy people, and we would go to suspicious place.
As it is a chain I described, there are several escape point, but for me surely, the best and more realistic decision would have been to refuse the invitation, and go for running with another colleague as it was initially planned (and as we have made the evening before, which bring an healthy comfort.

Step 4 : what values have been deteriorated with this acting out? What to do to repair?
I have been unfaithful to my wife
I did not respect abstinence commitments
I destroy my self esteem
I took an important healthy risk for me and my family

Since then, during the last 20 days:
 I re-actualize a short list of most important value, focus on self esteem, more than “reliability” (which is a result, and my be obtain by manipulating image)
 I create practical boundaries related to this event
 I develop awareness about anxiety level : ideally I speak to someone, else just to myself to clearly understand my stress factors, and to implement an healthy action to rebalance my emotion
 Take the decision, until I can not prove my recovery to extend abstinence to fact tp go out. I raised a list of “dangerous people, place”
 I implement protection to my family until STD test are performed

Potential question:
Something I discover with step 2:
- The compulsive behavior target is to balance artificially emotion
- The need to act come from an important stress
- But the behaviors itself generate their own stress to move forward in acting out, a need for achievement
- Compulsive behaviors to reach artificial emotion satisfaction, will generate the stress.

I could summarize by the following process:
1. Moderate stress level exist
2. An opportunity for compulsive behavior is identified
3. Struggle to resist, it increase the stress
4. Stress is important, a boundary is passed out, to balance stress
5. Stress is decreasing
6. Continue behaviors getting me more far and far from boundary
7. Stress is stabilized, by continuous feeding with behavior
8. Another boundary is passed out and then the voluntary behavior starts to obey a compulsive pattern
9. The stress start to increase, need to increase emotional intensity generated by behaviors
10. Go deeper in compulsive behavior. Only immediate gratification exist
11. Stress is high, need to act out
12. Acting out. Stress for immediate gratification disappear. Replaced by long term stress with shame!

What are the tool I have now to perform the break at very early stage?:
 Emotion awareness + emotion balance awareness
 Emotion are finite
 Boundaries
 Consequences on my values, for others
The ability to implement the break is something I need to develop.

My question:
I am in abstinence mode at the moment and I limit and I anticipate risk. I would like to avoid to develop my urge control based on memories or only fantasy... but I want to exercise this ability to "break" without taking risk? Any practical advice?



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PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2016 9:01 pm 
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Lesson 44 - Core identity

“When honesty is based on emotions as opposed to values...say, when the decision to be dishonest is made in an attempt to avoid shame, anger, guilt, conflict, etc., dishonesty is then processed as an effective tool in managing your life.”

3 days ago , when discussing about my values, my wife told me that there’re nothing for me, about me. She asked me, what do I like, what do I want, what give me sense? She helped me to start to identify the thing, healthy, that I do only for me (which does not mean selfish).

Then the next day I wrote instinctively a vision:

I like to taste, I like to feed my senses, I like to understand life and nature. I get sense by experiencing
What :
Intellectually mainly,
Feeling, I like to feel emotion
Physically, I like to understand feeling related to sense
Taste to feed my curiosity
It is an engine, it gives sense, day by day to me.

With who?
My partners, my children, friends .
Share with others to share the pleasure, the curiosity. Share to learn, to understand, to experiment, to love

How ?
By being fully honnest, entire.
By Exploring, but do not seek to be someone else, do not seek to build an image
By Protecting the one I love
By feeding dreams of others

I did not know the concept of core identity, and I must confess I am very uncomfortable to “imagine your life apart from your physical being”. I assess myself by my behaviors and this is really difficult to touch. But my wife helped me to highlight that there is part of my healthy behaviors that I do not do because of my duty. So I took the risk to write this vision, and to use the words “pleasure, taste, sense” that I must admit I banish from my vocabulary until now.

This vision has clearly an unhealthy side, a trend to not choose my life, a trend to let everything open. I admit. But I am someone creative, intellectual and curious, I can not deny, and this is not necessarily unhealthy. No one ask me to be enthusiast for any new challenging topic at work, no one forces me to create game for kids, no one tell me you have to read any kind of book.

I think that beyond behaviors, there is my core identity, that generate act that I do not do because of my image. The part of me that no one can see, the part of me I have to explain.

Even if it is not perfect, I will use the vision I had to answer the question of the exercise.

A. Describe in your recovery thread the role that your core identity will play in helping you to establish/maintain a healthy life.
My core identity can give me energy, enthusiasm to sustain happiness to the one I love, with current and new friends.My creativity, my imagination, my intelligence and curiosity will help to build my pillars: Love my wife, Love my Children, Socialize, Work and Self development.

B. Describe the role that value-based experiences will play in further developing your core identity.
Currently I am in a phase of understanding and building self esteem. I go slowly, I go step by step, I am still not confident about my decision making process. My lack of empathy is terrible and by the way I can only help to repair the value I damaged to others by referring to this core identity.

Recently, after a discuss with my good friend, I took the decision to notify my boss that I want to stop my expatriate contract and turn back to homeland in a shorter time than expected. My decision is motivated both by the fact that my recovery will be more difficult in the Chinese environment (party, very easy girls waiting for foreign people, a lot of prostitution), and by the fact that my wife is permanently triggered in this environment (because of what I have done).
This is a long term decision, took according my values, considering consequences, and with empathy.
I have made it. I will have news from my company within 2 weeks, but I can say I have made an important choice. I am proud of it.
By the way, in this context, something else happen. This decision is stressful, but I would say it is a positive stress. My core identity is driving me. I prepare my return to homeland with motivation, passion and intelligence. I feel reltively confortable to speak about with my wife, despite the fact that does not mean our future is clear.
And by the way, by doing this job, I have more value based experience that improve my self esteem, my confidence.

C. Take some time to examine the current state of your core identity. How in tune with it are you? When you engage in activity that is destructive, what role does your core identity play in that decision? How is it affected by the consequences of that decision?
As I said there are unhealthy side of this core identity.

First I underline the sentence about the dishonesty given as example in the lesson. It is unfortunately applicable to me. For the last 3 weeks, after my disclosure, I experienced the full honesty. Honesty is not only not lie, it is as well admit when we do not understand. Only experience can turn back honesty to an healthy value.

Second, I mistaken about curiosity, seek for pleasure and the lack of self esteem. The unhealthy behaviors have been implemented because of my unability to be satisfy by my image. And my curiosity and my intelligence, instead of developing empathy, has develop on me a skill for the manipulation in order to fill my voidness. In a sense my core identity can be dangerous, and I understand why my wife do not rely on me anymore. Experiences with full honesty, with integrity is the best way to change this manipulation pattern.

So by the way, when I engage a compulsive behavior, my core decision is supporting behavior:
 curiosity to feed my image: I am curious of the others in order to seduce them. It is not empathy I develop, but symmetry (ability to take the behaviors of the others). It is true people are naturally attracted by someone in which they recognize similar gesture (voice, movement…)
 Intelligence: ability to describe other like a very simple “system”, I theorize their decision making and I can manipulate them (as I did with my wife). And by the way an ability to lie, to omit or transform to serve my emotional confort.

Because of that, in moment of urge as the example of relapse, once I passed my boundaries another mechanics is implemented. I assess feasibility of having compulsive sex through my core identity (pleasure/pain based on experience issued from my core identity).

I agree with the lesson, my core identity supports my compulsive behaviors. By repetition, these behaviors become natural. I used my core identity to protect my emotional immaturity.

At this stage, I have nothing else to do than gain experience in healthy decision making and behaviors. My core identity is a strength and in same time my worst enemy in that quest.

The key input is the decision making process. If it is based on value, if it healthy, my core identity will support healthy behaviors and experience. I need a long reeducation, but I understand and I accept this way.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 16, 2016 2:50 am 
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Lesson 45 - Isolating the Emotions

I did not work that much on my recovery this week. I would like to share 2 topics:
- I worked without posting anything on lesson 39 about sexual boundaries. It was a big effort and I am satisfied to have been able to succeed to work on 3 first step. Now I would like to share with a friend (male) about my vision. I started to share with my wife. It is really helpful to be able to speak about sex healthily. I will continue to work time by time on this lesson. The next milestone for me is to share with a friend. I will share later about my work on this topic.
- I worked a lot on personal development throught my “skill review” process. This week I have discovered a new tool that indirectly lined me to my core identity. I followed a test named MBTI, which purpose is to identify my personality through 4 axis. The conclusion match my core identity. It highlight my preference in term of personality. I am classified as INTP.
I recommend the following link, of course it is more professional, but an interesting way to identity our core identity in my opinion: https://www.opp.com/en/tools/MBTI

I turn back to the lesson 45, I started 1 week ago.

During lesson 43 I described the compulsive chain related to my relapse. I focused at that time of emotion generated for every elements, trying to understand the stress level/emotion balance for every elements. The chain was composed of 52 elements.

Based on that, still in lesson 43, I summarized an emotional chart (25 steps = 25 emotional stage) related to this chain:

> First boundary violation during socialization
> unconfort to restore value
> try to switch to alcoholic socialization
> increase the intensity of the unconfort
> I drink more
> I can not stand the inconfort anymore, I start to speak about “men’s things”
> I move to a party place (restaurant to bar)
> It trigger my exhibition behavior
> this period is marked with a big activity (dance, sing, joke) the only purpose is to feel confortable by being the one we look
> A limit of intensity is reached once I start to realize that I am a clown, and maybe that so funny
> I seek for girls to maintain intensity, betting on my physical aspect
> the party is interrupt, unachievment feeling
> because of opportunity present, I prefer to go for a prostitute instead of masturbation
> I have a break, that I use to increase intensity by maintaining suspense
> During this break I do not control my urge and I decide to act out
> I will keep high level of intensity using suspense
> Once the choice is made, nothing else is important than the achievement of pleasure
> I implement ritual to make duration and intensity higher
> at one stage, I decide ritual is over and I focus on orgasm
> once orgasm is reached shame arrived
> but still compulsive thought
> I need a long time before to tur back to reality and think about consequences
> Big feeling of shame with doubt
> compulsive behavior: masturbation + forgivness actions
> the normal life restart (time constraint), I decided to work on my problem

The new questions for me are :
 How my core identity is used to take decision?
 How my emotion influence my core identity?

I will restart from my chain summary
1. First boundary violation during socialization
I felt unconfortable to not be able to share, to enjoy socialization. My core identity drive me to be curious, imaginative. And basically it gives more satisfaction to share good mood with others, seeking enlarge creativity by sharing. But as my social skill is poor, I did not socialize by being myself, but by trying to be like the others. I learnt to socialize with doing what they could expect from me: speak about culture I will be intellectual, speak about sport I will tell I like marathon, speak about sex I will tell that I have experience.
I would say my curiosity is really a part of my core identity. Here I took the decision to speak about an unhealthy thing with unhealthy people. There is stress about not feeling part of a group, because of my shyness. I felt rejected when I was young teenager. I succeed socialization by changing my image (it is my perception). And socialization gave me pleasure. My core identity push me to act, to gain experience in order to develop 1 image. Then another, then another… Finally I act to adapt permanently my image to the people I have in front of me, only to get the pleasure to feel someone in the group. And by the way based on the emotion, I decided to move to 1 image or another.
My emotion, and my emotional immaturity, push me to develop unhealthy social skill : using alchool, sexist discuss.

2. unconfort to restore value
The work on recovery has changed a little thing compare to 1 year ago. The shame came back. But until now, the only decision I took to remove the shame was to intellectually minimize the issue. Find a way to minimize the issue. Here is coming my core identity about imagination.
I start to imagine scenario to remove the shame. As I see life as all or nothing, I develop dishonesty as systematic answer to shame and guilt feeling.
I feel uncomfortable because I miss experience to behave in another way during social event. I do not see a way to move to topics I would like to discuss, or the courage to decide to leave these people.

3. try to switch to alcoholic socialization
Like first step, alchohol is completely related to my socialization skill. Basically I am very funny, lively guy when I take drug or alchohol. I have no “bad trip”, and I am more creative socializing. I develop this pattern when I was 17, and it macth the time when I found a image to be confortable (to get friend, to get a girlfriend).

4. increase the intensity of the unconfort
This time is does not work easily, shame is still present.

5. I drink more
This is only issue for me to succeed socialization and develop myself. It is what I learnt from my emotion management.


6. I can not stand the inconfort anymore, I start to speak about “men’s things”
Resistance is over, I need to behave the only way I know to reduce my anxiety, my inconfort.

7. I move to a party place (restaurant to bar)
At this stage, I restore a kind of confort. I am in my element: drunk, making joke…

8. It triggers my exhibition behavior
When I speak about exhibition, does not mean I show my genital. Actually I want to be noticed. As different example given in lessons, I know that I am not good to socialize. My core identity does not push me to an easy socialization. If I want to be notice, I need to develop other behaviors. This way to exhibit myself (the clown) when I am drunk is really a way to be notice without taking the risk of direct socialization.
Again my emotion drive my core identity to develop behaviors.

9. this period is marked with a big activity (dance, sing, joke) the only purpose is to feel confortable by being the one we look
I feel confortable at this stage. I am in my “world”. In a sense I am consistent with my core identity: very mental, very internal and introverty in the middle of people!

10. A limit of intensity is reached once I start to realize that I am a clown, and maybe that so funny
I do not know what trigger the limit of intensity, but it is exactly what happen: I feel this game is over now, I need to something else. I would not say I am aware of how I am ridiculous, but something happen telling me that this game is not enough to maintain the contact with others.

11. I seek for girls to maintain intensity, betting on my physical aspect
As we are in hostess club, and by the way the grils are here to maintain fake socialization, I decide to focus on them to maintain my confort, my excitement. As it is fake, I know I can be “romantic” without disturbing the introversion of my core identity. It is without risk.
My emotion helps me to develop a risk assessment to evaluate when a behavior (like seducing) can be implemented without being inconfortable with my core identity. For example I would not act this way in a normal bar in Europe!

12. the party is interrupt, unachievment feeling
A unplanned event interrupt the ritual. The insatisfaction generate stress. I want to continue my compulsion.

13. because of opportunity present, I prefer to go for a prostitute instead of masturbation
I refuse to stop the ritual. To seek for a prostitute become natural.

14. I have a break, that I use to increase intensity by maintaining suspense
I can say now that compulsive ritual maintain a fake level of anxiety in order to act out. I generate an inconfort. At this stage I completely forget about the finite emotion. The urge increase. I am really in the start of urge.

15. During this break I do not control my urge and I decide to act out

16. I will keep high level of intensity using suspense
I have the feeling I control my emotion, actually I maintain the anxiety to act out.
Only thing important is to go till the end, till the achievement, to remove this anxiety.

17. Once the choice is made, nothing else is important than the achievement of pleasure

18. I implement ritual to make duration and intensity higher
Whatever the sexual ritual is, I recognize the compulsive behavior as to act only for the goal of emotion.

19. at one stage, I decide ritual is over and I focus on orgasm
At this stage, I decide to deliver the emotion and let myself abandon to them.

20. once orgasm is reached shame arrived
The result is far to be what I was expected. The shame arrive immediately. I tunr back to normal life. I see where I am, with who, what I do.

21. but still compulsive thought
Emotion still a little bit present. It is a transition period.

22. I need a long time before to tur back to reality and think about consequences
I feel unconfortable.

23. Big feeling of shame with doubt
Now I understand something: in my core identity principles are more important than value. I think with my brain not my heart. At this stage I have a big conflict.
I have never learnt how to deal with such emotion, emotion coming from value I hurt.
The level of stress is very high here.

24. compulsive behavior: masturbation + forgivness actions
I do the only thing I know when I am in stress, to decrease the stress. The result is not what I expect. I feel more shame, I feel miserable.

25. the normal life restart (time constraint), I decided to work on my problem
My level of stress is important, as I do not clearly refer to my values, I refer to my principles, and I try to work to with my mental.
Later I will take the wrong decision because of that, I will ignore the boundaries of my partner.

I am not really able to make a link between core identity and elments/behaviors for every stage of the ritual. But when I can, I think I understand better the way my emotonal immaturity develop some behaviours through my core identity.

I will continue this lesson in another post. I am really interested my this concept of core identity, I think it is a key for my healthy personal development. And I want to explore the emotion before the urge/relapse, and as well identify how the elements increase the level of stress artificially. It seems that the urge control is most of all a preventive process.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 17, 2016 9:49 pm 
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Lesson 45 - part 2


A. Map a compulsive ritual
Ritual week 37 – This is typically kind of ritual that happen to me several time per day, with more or less intensity. I choose an event that I could consider as nearly systematic “masturbation before to sleep”

1. I am in the bed, alone, reading before to sleep
The fact to be alone is a source of anxiety since we sleep in different room with my wife. I miss her, intimacy, warm hug.
But I am in a confortable at this stage
2. I feel lightly aroused
I have no idea how it is fundamentally triggered. But I think the fact to be alone, ready to sleep, in my bed are most probably trigger for this little arousal
3. A sex image is triggered (a woman body)
The physical emotion trigger image. Like a mechanism starting.
At this stage the image could be consider as pleasant. Like the introduction of your favorite TV program.
4. I touch lightly my penis
Let’s say I “re-arrange” my genitals, the arousal make me physical uncofrtable. Even if this movement is far to be masturbation, it is stimulating anyway.
5. I fell unconfortable
I fell unconfortable because I do not want to enter in the ritual. Anxiety increase.
6. Others sexy images come
But the anxiety, related to guilt, does not enable to stop the image. The images come, and I would say they are more present.
7. I fell unconfortable to switch
Basically I try to escape: “think to something else”, but it does not work so easily. I would say the anxiety feed the ritual.
8. I touch again my penis
The uncofort is physical as well. I understand at this stage, that this movement is not so innocent, and maintain the stimulation.
9. I fell unconfortable, I try to turn back to reality
I understand I can not escape the emotions by letting go, so I need to consider other option.
This decision remove a little bit of stress, and enable a kind of break in the ritual
10. I guess I can control my imagination, I ask my self, what I am doing now, I tell myself this is useless and stupid to maintain these image
At this stage I refer to my boundaries: what I do know? Is it something I could be proud? How I could maintain esteem?
I refer as well to what I learnt about emotion : all emotions are finite, I won’t die if I do not masturbate
11. I refocus on my reading activity
My mind return to present, to the activity I was doing at the time of sexual interruption.
The stress is decreasing quickly
12. The arousal decrease, the image disappear
There is no immediate satisfaction about this achievement, it will come later (self esteem), at this stage I do not want to think too much about what just happen.
I feel confortable and my mind is used for a useful mental activity, reading.

B :
I notice that anxiety, generate by guilt, increase the overall intensity. Each element where the guilt is present is followed by an increase of the intensity. Guilt generates an emotional unbalance, and by the way more opportunity for compulsive behaviors.

C:
I did not move until masturbation and orgasm, but I qualify what is described as unhealthy : would I be able to speak confortably about this ritual to my wife?
I would say the element 2 and 3 are “natural”. I am triggered by the situation, my stress balance. I can work step by step to decrease the frequency, but this kind of thing happen.
The element 4 is a real start of the ritual for me: the physical stimulation is a starting point of emotional urges.
I would not minimize this physical sensation, and for this exercise, I would consider as non return point.
In such situation, if I think, if I would not answer by this physical touch to my emotion, I would not enter in the ritual.
D:
Element 2 and 3 are the one to focus to develop awareness: I fell aroused, and I start to image sexy image => A decision need to be take

I could extend this ritual to many other triggering situation:
 I pass in front of an Hotel, a KTV
 I visit a place I have memories about sex
 A calendar date remember me a memory
 I notice an attractive woman in the street
 An attractive woman smile at me

Currently the frequency of triggering situation has decreased. The intensity of ritual has decreased too. But the decision making process, once I enter the process is still long in my opinion. I still pass several element before to switch back to present, to m values and boundaries.

Something positive: even if I fell anxious about my personal situation (especially with my wife), I do not feel frustration anymore (which was the case in the past, each time I was rejected). I open sincerely my anxiety to my wife, as I would do with my best friend.

another positive element of this week: the first stage of the lesson 39 about healthy sexual boundaries help me to be able to see sex as something healthy. As consequence, I started to discuss a lot with my wife about the topic, and I feel very attracted by her, but not in a compulsive way. The image I have, when I want to have intimacy with her (and at the moment t is not possible at all), are far from compulsive: it is not objectify, it is not mentally created but following a Relationship event, and I speak to her with sincerity about that. I am very prudent with that at this stage, but I have the feeling it is healthy.


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2016 7:01 pm 
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Lesson 46 – Urge control – isolating the decsion

I will consider the ritual identify in lesson 45.

The elements before non return point were :
 Feel lightly aroused (internal stimuli)
 Sexy Images arrive in my mind (external stimuli)

These elements stimulates sexual excitement and anxiety in same time. I feel disturb in my normal life by an inappropriate emotion. I stop to be focus on what I was doing (readiing) and start to think.

Review option:
1. Let the image come in, and touch myself, to maintain intensity
Filter through values : Let the image come in is a way to be unfaithful to my wife => not acceptable from a value point of view
Filter through Boundaries: I could not told that behavior to anyone I love => not acceptable
Consequences : Most probably I will go till the end of ritual (orgasm), I will lie or omit details, loss of self esteem, loss of self confidence, guilt => not acceptable
2. Make a quick masturbation
Filter through values: I lie to myself thinking I could masturbate and avoid fantasy, so by the way, this behavior is a way to be unfaithful to my wife => not acceptable
Filter through boundaries : I could not tell confortably this behavior to anyone I love => not acceptable
Consequences : I will suffer shame immediately after orgasm, I will potentially lie, lie to myself, loss of self esteem and self confidence, guilt => not acceptable
3. Escape by forcing myself to concentrate on something else
Filter through values : This won’t help me to develop my self respect
Filter through boundaries : I do not see clear boundary at this stage
Consequences : I will struggle for a long time, and maybe I will start the ritual, maintain guilt, loss of self confidence, fear about emotion
4. Find a mechanism to return to healthy thought => consider the emotion are finite, think I am just before the non return point, think about consequence, consider the situation in reality, consider the present.
Fliter through value : develop my self respect
Filter through boundaries : I do not see clear boundary at this stage
Consequence : I can return to my normal activity, remove the emotion imbalance. I will find satisfaction not immediately

Decision to act
Actually when it happens I moved from option 1 to option 3, and finally finish by option 4.
I can confirm the effect of option 4 as following:
 I found emotional balance, without artificial emotion
 I turn back to present (finish my reading then fall asleep peacefully)
 I get satisfaction (related to self esteem) the day after when I think about that
 I think I learnt something (future will tell)

I want to try with others rituals
A. Ritual “stalking”
1. I am in the street
2. I notice an attractive girl walking in front of me
3. She walk slow, I walk faster, I know I will have a better look
4. I have a second look to her shape. I feel emotion imbalance
5. I fantasize
6. I pass her
7. I turn my head to look at her
8. I force myself to stop thinking about her
9. I feel guilt about my behavior

No return point : element 4
Initial stimuli
 My mind is not busy, I just walk. Usually this feeling is closed to boredom, I need to fill my mental
 I notice an attractive girl > external stimuli, curiosity, sex appeal
 I am free to look at her > external stimuli, temptation for immediate gratification

Review option
1. Continue the ritual, look at her and fantasize
Filer through value/boundary : unfaithful to my wife => not acceptable
Consequence : guilt, loss of self esteem, lie
2. Force myself to not have a second look
Filter through value/boundary : no clear reference to that in my value. In some case, I consider escape as acceptable solution
Consequence : not sure I succeed, guilt to be triggered, lack of self esteem and confidence
3. Perceive and understand the emotion, to be aware of my emotions, consider consequence
Filter through value/boundary : no clear reference to that in my value
Consequence : turn back to my activity, self esteem and learning

Decision to act:
Again I currently more in escape mode. The guilt and emotional escape mode generate the same consequence than the fact to act. At the moment I do not instinctively oblige myself to perceive the emotions. I must admit I am afraid about that. But I am convinced it is the right way.
I notice I do not have clear value and boundaries to prevent guimt and emotion escape. It is a topic I need to think about.

B. Ritual “fantasy”
1. I am in the street, I wait for someone. I have nothing special t do, so my mind start to think
2. Something trigger me
3. I start to remind a sexual memory
4. I feel imbalance
5. I try to reject image
6. Image does not stop, tend to rebalance emotion
7. I try to think about something else
8. But image does not disappear. The emotion imbalance persist
9. I try to come back to the present situation: why do I think this way? What am I doing at the moment?
10. I speak loudly to myself, a simple word “YES”
11. The emotion imbalance disappear

No return point : element 6

Initial stimuli
 Boredom, emptiness > internal stimuli
 External trigger > a women, a place…

Review option
1. Continue to fantasize
Filer through value/boundary : unfaithful to my wife => not acceptable
Consequence : guilt, loss of self esteem, lie
2. Force myself to think to something else
Filter through value/boundary : no clear reference to that in my value. In some case, I consider escape as acceptable solution
Consequence : not sure I succeed, guilt to be triggered, lack of self esteem and confidence
3. Perceive and understand the emotion, to be aware of my emotions, consider consequence
Filter through value/boundary : no clear reference to that in my value
Consequence : turn back to my activity, self esteem and learning

Decsion to act:
For this ritual that happen this morning, I think I went closer to a healthy decision making. Despite I have too far (even if the total ritual is less than 10 seconds), I nearly implement the option review as soon as the emotional imbalance awareness arrived.
Difficult to avoid the mental to fill the mind during void moment. I suppose It is not necessary unhealthy to think, but at a certain stage the thought start to objectify the situation. The efficient solution is to turn back to present, to reality.

If I have to translate in boundaries, considering the consequences:
 If I am triggedr by an attractive woman
o I must consider her as a person with boundaries
o I must not use other people to feed sexual fantasy
o I will remind immediately the consequence of such behaviors in my life
o I will remind immediately that these behaviors can not be told confortably to people I love and I respecr
 If I am triggered by a sexual memories
o I will remind immediately the consequence of such behaviors in my life
o I will remind immediately if this behavior is appropriate at that time
o I will remind immediately that these behaviors can nt be told confortably to people I love and I respect


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