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PostPosted: Sun Sep 25, 2016 8:50 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
Lesson 47 - Practical urge awareness

I highlight :

At WORST, you should be experiencing spontaneous daily fantasies that you become aware of within seconds and can redirect fairly easily > OK
At worst, you should face a significant compulsive urge — one that requires a conscious effort to manage — no more than twice per week > OK

And, you must maintain that preparation on at least a monthly basis for the rest of your life or you will unnecessarily leave yourself vulnerable to relapse.
Managing that urge becomes your second priority, understanding why it has occurred is primary.
When an urge is experienced, you don't immediately try to fight/suppress it...you use it as a trigger for action.

Here below the urge situations I listed. 2 general remarks :
- At this stage it is difficult to think in my head without writing about the whole decision making process : emotion perception => options => decisions => core identity. Bu I tried.
- Something that make “proud”, is that until now I just consider situation factually. Now I describe the situation from an emotional point of view. Recognize the emotion when it comes. I am not absolutely sure about the options yet, but at least I can really develop the awareness about the urge emotion

1. I read a new paper on my mobile phone. A title highlight me, it refers to a sexually provocative content. My attention is took by the title and I start to fantasize lightly. I want to open the link…

The title has triggered sex image and fantasy. I detect my imbalance confort because I switch from reading activity to an internal mental activity.

Option possible:
 Click on the link and read the article. Actually I am aware that I am looking for picture. I try to convince myself that I would read this article as anyother, but it is not true. Why I did not read the previous article about economy or another issue. This decision is purely made on immediate gratification. I violate clearly boundary about self-respect, I lie to myself, I violate absolute boundary because I won’t be able to tell exactly what I have done with confort to my wife. Consequence will be at least a loss of self esteem.
 I try to analyse the situation. Why do I want to click on the link. Maybe the article is interesting, but basically I want to do to intensify my emotion, not for information or knowledge. This is clearly unhealthy. Once I understand that, I can pass the emotion. As consequence I turn back to reading, the emotion imbalance disappear.
The decision I take : I accept the emotion, the fcat that I am triggered by explicit words, but I decide to not click on the link and to not read the article. My curiosity was purely driven by initial emotion.

2. I wake up at home and check my mail, and I see that I have received an email from a previous mistress. Immediately I am triggered by this attention. I read the message. There are question in it. I begin to start to imagine to chat with her…

The fact to check this message generate directly a romantic fantasy in my mind. I am at home, my family next to me. Imbalance come from 2 questions : should I answer this email? Should I speak to my wife immediately?

It is normal to be triggered. Actually my 2 questions offer me 2 opportunities:
Should I answer this email? It is an opportunity to close definitively this relation
Should I speak to my wife immediately? It is an opportunity to confirm my boundaries

I will write: “I do not to be in contact with you. Please stop any contact with me” and I will tell my wife, showing her clue if she request, and showing empathy for this difficult moment for her.

3. During the day, at work, I see that I have received an email from a previous mistress. Immediately I am triggered by this attention. I read the message. There are question in it. I begin to start to imagine to chat with her…

Same scenario as urge number 2, except that in this context, I am not at home. Currently I must confess that home and family is a peaceful place and I must be honest about myself, when I am outside home, the intensity of emotion is bigger. Because most probably opportunity are higher. I know it is immature, but it is what I understand from my emotion at this stage.

So I suppose I will enter in this urge with an higher emotion intensity : I have more time to consider option, but in parallel I have more time for fantasy.

Basically, I will decide the same way as urge n°2. My priority is to interrupt this relation.

4. A woman, attractive, shows me interest (something explicit like telling me “you are handsome”). I start to sexualize this person…

Here it is a very violent external stimuli. Until now I was acting 2 way : answer positively and act out, minimize and try to escape, but I was still struggle with initial emotion.

I did not put too much context about this case:
- Where I am?
- With who?
- What is the moment : formal or unformal?
- What is my state of mind?
I could make the context more or less emotionally instable. I will develop later.

What are questions/emotions that will pollute my decision:
- I am glad to be noticed by an attractive girl : this is a normal emotion. But the girl see me as an object, only physical criteria. This is not a love relationship.
- I want to stay polite : actually this is pushed by immediate gratification, to keep a good image. I do not need to show any emotion to this person

At this stage, considering my emotional immaturity I will decide to ignore this, focusing on consequence. If it is very explicit I will answer that it is not appropriate, and I am not interested.

5. A colleague proposes me to find a bar to have a last drink after a business diner. We had good time during diner, with professional and friendly discuss. This is unplanned but nobody wait for me at home. I feel anxious: I would like to continue discuss, keep the good mood, but I feel this invitation sounds like a high risk of relapse. I start to imagine about party, image about previous party (alcohohol, exhibition, women…) comes. I feel unconfortable…

The situation generate a risk to violate my values and boundaries. The consequences related to this risk are understood. I am too weak at this stage to imagine to control perfectly the situation if I accept.

The emotion is normal and must be accepted: the moment was pleasant and there is an opportunity to extend. But risk is high at least until recovery is not achieved.

So I decide to decline, focusing on theoric and actual consequences :
Theoric : the risk to be drunk, to start exhibition ritual and to generate fantasy..
Actual: I will be tired tomorrow morning

I suppose once the decision taken, the emotional imbalance will decrease, and will finish by the satisfaction of having a good moment.

BUT, this give the idea of another situation: I go back home after that decision, but fantasy start again. I hesitate to go out on my own again (this happen many time in the past)…

6. I am alone at hotel during a business trip. I a ready to sleep, but feel boredom. I start to fantasize. I start to think about porn image, and I begin to consider the option to go on internet.

I already explore this urge in previous lesson about masturbation. By the way, here the context is different, I am on my own. So I suppose emotion will be a bit higher.

I will apply the same decision than previously, isolate the emotion, stop to mentalize and switch to the present.

7. I sexualize during a meeting to a woman who smile at me.
It is very common case. I am in meeting with an attractive colleague or an attractive Sales person.
Business is not necessarily real life, but I know my way to answer with seduction, is unhealthy.
It is normal to be trigger by emotion with an attractive woman : there is a high chance that she uses seduction as a communication tool to convince. I have made this way as well.
Sexualization means my mental switch from present to fantasy. I am not anymore concentrate of the topic, just driven by the initial emotion.
The key here is to be fully aware of that, and decide in order to feed my core identity.
Until now I answer by being seducer, I need to act as myself.
It is not a big urge case, but a case easy to experiment, without danger, to train myself about catching the emotion, review option and decide.
But I confess, it is still very difficult to not objectify sexually such event.

8. I am drunk with good friends. It was a planned social event, my wife knows where I am and with who. It s already late, the mood is excellent. I want to kkep the intensity, I start to think about a second part in a night club.
I am in very dangerous area.
Currently, this is something I need to avoid ABSOLUTELY. The decision must be not to go. Only exception would be the presence of my wife.
The question is my ability to create a break and perceive the emotion.
What is my emotional balance at this stage:
- I am drunk : I am deshinibited, intensity of emotion are higher
- I feel good with my friends
I must be honest, at this stage, I won’t get easily access to my value and boundaries.
I need to refer to my ABSOLUTE BOUNDARIES at this stage. I still can do it.
I refer to lesson 37 & 38, I wrote:
Until I can honestly have clue of a real recovery and healthy, I will refuse any opportunity to go out (bar, restaurant) with people I do not love

By doing that, I think I won’t generate frustration. I will have taken the decision for a right purpose, considering my emotional immaturity.

In the coming month, I need to be very prudent with my alchohol consumption.

9. Very important bosses will visit me in a few days. Most probably they will propose to have a diner together. It means alcohol, it means relapse risk. It is an opportunity for discuss as well, and I fear about social acceptance if I would not join.
This can be anticipated.
First of all, I need clearly to answer the question: why I would like to join thme? And share this question with my wife.
If honestly there is an healthy objective to this, I can be pro-active : organize where, fix clear boundary (time limit for example)
If there are not healthy motivation, I must decline.

10. I receive a phone call. I answer and it is an old mistress. She ask me how am I with a very friendly voice. I am surprised and feel very inconfortable…
This happen over the last 6 month. Last time it happens I did not take the call. I escape.
Since then I scrapped all phone number, and as the opportunity to be called still exist, it will come by surprise.
I know I will generate an emotion. It is like an attention, and I will immediately refer to the romantic lover I was.
This risk is an opportunity. I will tell that the relation is over, do not call me again please. I must not give any information or excuse. This is a key for my esteem. I need to be quick.
I will tell honestly to my wife.

11. I am with my wife. I am doing a joke about someone. She start to blame me about the fact that I feel superior to the other one. I feel suddenly very frustrated. I understand that she has emotional problem due to my past behavior, but I struggle with this frustration, I feel it is unfair. I feel uncomfortable, my mind start to
This situation happened during this week end, for another reason. I will detail in another post.
Do not give up! That I what I must do.
First I need to present my excuse to her. I am sorry to hurt her.
Then ask her to express herlself about her feeling, her anger. If she is not ready, wait.
Silence may follow, and with this a risk for my mental to move in unhealthy thought.
I need to focus on the effort I have made till now. I know I will feel despair about the situation.
Continue to communicate and do not minimize the incident, till I have ingrained the reason I hurt her, and I have implemented a new reflex in my core identity.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 25, 2016 9:12 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
This is a free post about an unhealthy behavior I had this week end.

It is not directly related to sex, but by the way I violated my values and boundaries by doing that.

Last Saturday evening we have been invited for a party. I went with my wife and my children.

Before to remind the main event, let me tell the conclusion of the party.

I finished completely drunk, nearly sicked. My wife manage everything to go back home (taxi, take the kids). I was completely "out of service". Nobody was drunk as me during the party. I had a bad night, I was aware of my shame even before to leave the party.

By acting this way, I violate values and boundaries. I even violate an absolute boundary :
“ Do no act I way I would not like my children act when they will become adult”

I lost a lot of self esteem, I miss my duty to protect my family, and I broke everything I restored recently with my wife. I lost connection.

On Sunday I felt sad, shame, anger against myself and despair.

I did not have any sexual thought during the party and since then, but I have others probem.

During this party I have been able to forget about my wife, my family. My values. So it is absolutely similar to my attitude in addiction.

This is a very big issue.

I took decision to implement an abstinence about alchohol. I am alchoholic, each time there is alchohol and inconfort, I try to get drunk quickly. Considering this, I need to say “no” to any opportunity of alchohol.

Now I need to understand, why emotionally I have been driven to act this way. I list below different emotion I faced during the evening. There is no order about these emotions.
 I was not motivated
 I do not feel confortable to speak
 I do not feel confortable to share “general stuff” with people, I found myself uninteresting
 I envy how people look confortable in discuss, They look cool
 There were a lot of alchohol
 There were a lot of discuss around alchohol
 I took responsibility to monitor and to play with all kids (more than 15, mostly less than 10 years old) in the swimming pool
 I enjoy this moment, but I feel alone to be the only adult, others stay together
 I feel alone several time
 I have been aware that I start drinking too fast at the beginning of the evening (3 pint of strong beer in less that 1 hour)
 Most of women were in another room chatting. Globally I was only with men
 I did not feel confortable to speak to my wife, I wanted to let her have her party
 My children quickly escapes with their friends, I initially plan to spend time with them
 When I was in swimming pool, one guy bring me a beer. We had a discuss. He is a very “machist” man, but he recognized me, and bring me attention
 One guy I was very happy to see him again. I feel common interest with him. He had a whisky, and I asked one for myself.
 I was already drunk, I tryied to join a group of women discussing (my wife was in the group). My wife, because I was drunk, reject me violently
 Finally before to leave I went back to play with the children. I played baby foot with my son and few of his friends. I am sure they notice I was drunk and in same time they appreciate the intimacy
I start to drink too quick from the beginning of the party

I did not plan to get drunk, and I am fully aware about the consequences of this behavior.

I did not prepare this event, I did not identify the risk and the source of anxiety. I know I was anxious, I went there per principle, saying myself that I should not isolate myself too much. I discussed with my wife, but definitively I minimized the anxiety.

Until now, I tolerate to continue to drink alchohol. Actually I think I have an alchoholic attitude (even if I do not drink every day). If I have an opportunity, I know I will always consume more than most of people. Decision for abstinence is healthy, because my consumption attitude is unhealthy.

I really missed to prepare this event. I minimized the anxiety, saying to my wife that of course I am not very motivated, and I feel uncomfortable by such social event, but I will improvise in a healthy way (spend time with children for example) when I will be at the party. I MUST PREPARE, because I am immature. I must accept. And as I did not prepare very seriously, as I did not strictly define attitude against alchohol, I have been emotionally driven.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2016 9:15 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
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Lesson 48 and 49

I decided to think commonly to both lessons. I will proceed the healthy assesment and I will summarize my new monitoring in a second time.

Concerning the 3 method to improve pro-acativity on urge awareness:

role-playing
I develop this ability in lesson 47.
I think I have really understood the principle, and in the case I studied, I played a lot by changing the context.
I see risk through the emotion, it is a major and positive change in my perception.
I have defined clear healthy value, that correspond to my current maturity level (it is not necessarily mature, but it is healthy in the way that it is nt destroying)

anticipe
For one month now, I have implemented a kind of ritual on my weekly monitoring: every sunday I think about the stressful or risky situation of the coming week. It is not necessarily related to sex, but to every topic that may generate an emotional imbalance.
I share with my wife, and I ask her the same question for her. It is very positive thing, that open after "role play" and question about decision making.
This become ingrained in my life, and I am Lucky and happy to be able to share with my wife. By the way the awareness of such risk helps me to communicate easily with others people too.
For example this week, one source of stress (and excitement) was a phone interview with my boss about my resquest to achieve sooner my expatriate contract and to return to France as soon as possible. This decision is motivated by my recovery. I was stressed and afraid by my unability to express the important message : I want to return by end of the year, I want to work in project mode (to have autonomy on my time management) for the first 6 month in order to stabilize my life in France. The interview was succesful in term of self esteem because I expressed what I had to.
Anticipation enables preparation.
By the way, I must confess that I failed about anticipation concerning the party of saturday septemebr 24th. I knew it was a source of anxiety and my wife told me. But I did not prepare correctly, and I have been unable to control event, I finished completely drunk.
It is important for me to continue to share about this.
But the principle is ingrained.

actively seeking
I had a little column on my diary about this: every day define 1 to 3 topics that will give sense, value to my day

Yesterday for example
- Understand what happen during September 24th party (why I decided to get drunk) in order to move forward and to improve communciation with my wife
- Check the health of my children who get cold this week end
- Stop smoking (again! one friend proposed me to work together. It is an opportunity and I want ot restore health)

Today, my programm is:
- Improve the communication to my wife
- perform the health assesment
- monitor my cigarett and alchohol abstinence

I like the idea, to be able to tell every day : "what give me sense and value today!"

Concerning lesson 49,
Here below the actions plan I have developed end of august following a very significant relapse. At the time I had decided to reduce the number of practical values, just to keep 1 target (DEVELOP MY SELF RESPECT) through 4 practical value : “Repair what I have broken”, “Do not act in a way that destroy self esteem”, “protect my family”, “do not depress, do not give up”.
I would like to use lesson 49, and my alchoholic issue I had on September 24th to review this action plan. I put a note with the date of 27/09/2016 to make assesment

1. DEVELOP MY SELF RESPECT
1.1. REPAIR WHAT THE VALUES I HAVE BROKEN TO OTHER
1.1.1. Tell my wife I maintain lie about my past, by omission. Tell her I will inform her when I am ready for a full disclosure. Accept her reaction but keep my position. If I am not ready then I will continue to minimize based on her reaction.
 I did it last Saturday. I did not minimize, but I had a lack of empathy.
27/09/2016 – This is done and ingrained. IT gave energy, now I will focus on next actions to keep communication and transparency
1.1.2. Listen to her boundaries she has defined to rebuild herself. Give all my attention to respect these boundaries. Tell her honestly if I am not confortable.
 I must respect for her right to intimacy, I must respect that she wants to develop a life on her own
 I feel guilt but I do not understand her trauma. She wrote me a letter, I understand what I have broken
27/09/2016 – I have improved and feel benefit about that (not always easy to manage emotionally, and I still suffer from my unnatural empathy). This must be kept
1.1.3. Tell her the truth about my behaviors about any time
 Boundary list:
a. I will tell the truth about my behavior at any time
b. I will not omit anything about thuth. Omission is a lie, lie is a manipulation to obtain something from her without telling the exact truth. Lie is a decision.
c. I must bring the clue of what I say in case of doubt
d. I give her authorization to seek for the truth by any mean, she has not to feel guilt about that.
e. I will do a full disclosure about my past behavior and the lie I maintained for the last 10 month after initial disclosure
27/09/2016 – As far as we keep daily connection, I respect strictly these commitment – so I will focus on maintaining communication, whatever the emotional content
1.1.4. Tell her my feeling honestly. Identify the decision driven by emotion. Express my emotion without seeking immediate gratification. Accept her judgement
A. I will continue to work daily on my recovery process
B. I will continue my daily monitoring
C. I will put on the thread the excat truth about my behavior and my thought
D. I will report to my wife any stress point related to my work on recovery:
Unhealthy behaviors
Unhealthy thought
My emotional balance (what is my biggest fear)
My doubt about my decision making
27/09/2016 – I really do this. But my listening is not as good it could be (recent lack of anticipation about social event, despite her warning). I will continue to tell her my trouble transparently

1.1.5. Support her the maximum I can, do not ask her to validate my decision, but explain my motivation.
I will assume my duty about children education and house burden
27/09/2016 – I really improved this topic – I will move to weekly monitoring

1.1.6. Keep connected to her at any time
I will maintain listening and attention, I will not give up
27/09/2016 – I need to keep this action. But I need to develop maturity. I will confirm to her my wish to start couple workshop once I reach lesson 60.

1.1.7. Maintain happiness, presence, comfort and support to my Children
I will talk to my children about the situation
I will support education task
I will give them confort
I will work with my wife to protect my children what ever the situation will evolve
27/09/2016 – I really improved this topic – I will move to weekly monitoring

1.2. DO NOT ACT IN A WAY THAT DESTROY MY SELF ESTEEM
1.2.1. Be faithful to my wife, prepare boundary about related behaviors
27/09/2016 – I work seriously on this topic. What happen on September 24th is terrible, but I have updated my boundaries concerning alchohol consumption and reinforce my anticipation

1.2.2. Stop social alcoholism, anticipate the moment, prepare actively boundary
27/09/2016 – I failed. I decided to adopt abstinence about alchohol in order to develop my awareness about my social imconfort. I will follow the model of what I have made with sex addiction.
The previous boundary about alchohol allow a tolerance but not clear. I have an alchohol problem: I drink twice quicker than anybody during social event. Even if I do not drink alone, and not everyday, this is an alchoholic attitude.


1.2.3. List the behaviors I consider unhealthy identify the related “object” and define a boundary to prepare if situation happen
List of unhealthy behaviors that could generate a major risk for relapse. A first work is about all the external situation where I could be motivate to restore my compulsive identity and seek for the immediate gratification of my image:
27/09/2016 – I worked hard on this topic during last month. I work seriously and sincerely about urge management and I understand the important of the emotional context (at the time I wrote the action plan, I was not aware about that). But it is not enough, especially the place of alchohol in my life. I need to keep this work on proactive urge control.

 Speak or listen about sex, affairs, stories with others men, at work, during a diner…
a. I will not speak in a way that I won’t speak in front of my my wife or the ones I love
b. I will mark clearly my disapproval: “Sorry this discuss makes me uncomfortable”
 Get drunk with people who are not friends
a. I will not get drunk with people who are not friend
b. I will ask for non alchoholic drink
c. I will toast with with non alchoholic drink
 Accept a last glass with people who are not my friend
d. I will refuse politely the invitation
e. If insisting, I will refuse politely
 Accept a greeting from an interested people (an unknown woman tells me I am handsome)
f. I will not answer the greeting positively (no smile)
g. I will tell that I am not interested
 To speak about my recovery process with people who are not friend
h. I will not speak about my recovery to people who are not my friend
 To refuse to say the whole truth to my wife about my behaviors
i. I will tell her the exact truth, without omission at any time
 To remind the “good memories” with a party partner
j. I won’t go out with few people (list)
k. I will notify them my unconfort if they speak about this issue
l. I won’t tell them about my recovery
 To accept a diner with people I know suspicious during business trip
m. I will accept only if this is absolutely necessary for work (there is a work to do, not simply a discuss) and I will choose the place
n. I will choose a place to make the work efficient
o. I will respect my boundary concerning social alchoholism
 To accept the excuse of business diner or professional obligation to not respect my values
p. I will apply my boundaries for every decisions related to going out with people who are not my friend
List of people I love, healthy referent : My wife, my children, the parents of my wife, my best friend
Dangerous, unhealthy people, unhealthy referent : Tony, Japanese boss of partner company
People aware of my behavior (directly by me) : Yannick, Jerome, my driver
For dangerous people I will talk to them asking them to not speak about sex, “good memories” in front of me. For people aware I will tell them about my pain about what I have made. I want kill my previous image
27/09/2016 – I told one of “dangerous” people that I do not want him to speak about sex, good memories.. in front of me. I did not tell directly to the people aware, but I change significantly my attitude. I avoid the discuss about sex or if it happens I redirect the discuss.

1.2.4. Continue to seek for opportunity to develop my awareness about decision making. Define necessary boundaries
Work on my daily monitoring, analyze my decision making process and prepare related actions plan, ask for help if needed
27/09/2016 – I will continue to work on proactive urge control
1.3. PROTECT MY FAMILY
1.3.1. Implement an actions plan and boundaries to protect my family from infection
By my behavior I took a risk about DST. Here below the actions I implement to protect my family until to know about test result
a. I will use a dedicated galss to drink, clearly identified, and I will inform my family
b. I will use a dedicated toothbrush, I will store in a specific place to avoid mistake
c. I will use separate set for cooking and serving
d. I won’t share food or drink with my family, I will always have a separate bottle, I won’t let anyone drink into y bottle
e. In case of injury for me, I will protect immediately to avoid risk of contamination
f. In case of injury of my children, I will use protection to avoid to contaminate them
g. I will have no intimacy with my wife, even kiss, until to know about the test result
h. Perform all necessary test on time to evaluate the risk, and communicate about the result

27/09/2016 – This is done and respected. All my family is aware about the protection (even if the children does not know the exact cause)

Risk after oral sex are the following:
Chlamydia – urine test – average 2 weeks, 4 weeks to be sure
Gonorrhea – urine test – average 1 or 2 weeks, 2 to 3 weeks to be sure
Herpes – blood test – average 6 to 12 weeks, 12 to 16 weeks to be sure
Syphilis – blood test – average 6 weeks, 12 to be sure
VIH – blood test – average 6 weeks – 12 to be sure

In consequence, considering that I took a risk on August 16th, I will perform the following test:
Full Urine test from September 13th
27/09/2016 –done everything is negative
Full Blood & urine test from November 8th
27/09/2016 – first one done after 4 weeks, it is negative. But I scheduled a new one in November.
Full Blood test from beginning of January 2017

In consequence I will respect abstinence till November 2016.
In case of relapse, I will wear a protection whatever the situation and the partner behavior. I won’t have sex without
I will continue to seek about the risk related to oral sex and related DST in order to define exactly when I can release protection to my family, and potentially restore intimacy.
27/09/2016 – This is maintained of course
1.3.2. Define boundaries to respect my health
Life must be respect, I must respect my life. If I am sick, I die, I will give pain and trouble to my family.
Even if this disturb me, I am sincerely obliged to consider relapse as a possibility.
a. I will not act in a way I would not feel confortable to tell to my wife
b. I will not act in a way I wound not feel confortable the person I love to see me
c. I will not act in a way to generate a healthy risk (DST) for me and for family
27/09/2016 – new boundary about alchohol : until I did not reeducate myself to have healthy social behavior, I will apply a strict alchohol abstinence.


1.4. TO NOT DEPRESS
1.4.1. Maintain my work on recovery, define an actions plan, move forward
I will Focus my work in developing self esteem
I will permanently evaluate my emotional balance : what is the most stressfull point at the moment
I will speak loudly, or to someone about the most stressfull point to avoid think to create mental fantasy
27/09/2016 – to be keep daily. By the way I have developed during last month several axis that bring me value and personal development:
 I notify my company that I want to leave China and go back France as soon as possible. There is a good chance that I can stop my mission for Christmas. This is highly motivated, and I consider this return as a new adventure, and I can be proactive on this.
 I started beginning of September a “skill review” with a professional coach. Even if it is for professional purpose (I want to restore a professional visio for the 10 next years), the process is very helpful for my recovery. Especially it helps to understand what is my core identity
 I develop opportunity for outdoor activities with friends
.
1.4.2. Be absolutely honest with myself at any time
I will never lie when I write to my thread, not be afraid to write as I think
27/09/2016 – I am honest with myself, but I make mistake, because I learn. This is ingrained.
1.4.2. Talk to someone
I wrote to my best friend to tell him I was sex addict and asking him if I could call him. He accept
I will plan a phone call with my best firend
I will break my image by confessing my guilt and shame to people aware of my behavior
27/09/2016 –I contact him, I told hime by phone all the truth. We are in touch, by phone twice per month. It has been very helpful to express myself and get his point of view, his perception. I will continue to share with him. I need him to share about my sexual boundaries.
1.4.3. Define boundary about the sign of depress
I will continue to handle my duties whatever my mood: go to work, support home burden
I will pray every time I feel despair
27/09/2016 –Never give up. Even if I meet difficult time (especially with my wife), I never gave up.


To summarize, what I want to keep monitoring

Daily:
- Improve the communication with my wife
o Maintains a strong connection daily and keep honnest
o Focus on support for development
o Do not use her as witness of my recovery or as a “mother”
o Start the couple workshop once I will get to lesson 60
- Work on urge
o Role play, anticipation
o Seeking opportunity : give value to every day I live

Weekly
o What is my emotional balance?
o List, anticipate the risky situations, the anxiety causes
o Presence and involvement in my duties
o My personal development : to succeed my return to France, to work actively on my professional skill review, to promote outdoor activities
o To share with my best friend


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2016 1:09 am 
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Lesson 50 - Decision making

When I was doing my role play (lesson 47), or when I practically face sexual image/thought, actually there are 3 kinds of decision, 3 options, generally speaking:
Healthy
As immediate positive consequence is to restore emotional balance, or at least accept the temporary imbalance (or inconfort), knowing that the emotion is finite (I won’t die if I do not achieve the emotion)
Most positive consequences happens a little bit later: self esteem and learning
In long term, I will learn that I can control the emotion, I will learn to fear emotion, I will learn to say “no” as an option. Self esteem will be developed. I will like myself, and by the way I hope to love others.

Unhealthy
The immediate positive consequence is the achievement of the emotion. But negative consequence are immediate too: shame, guilt, loss of self esteem. And risk of lie.
In long term, it will keep lie and dishonesty as part of my way to live. As I won’t like myself I can not love others. I can not have integrity. I will continue to hide other and by the way continue to act to seek immediate gratification.

Escape
Decide to not decide, by the way it happens when I refuse to perceive the emotion or to accept it.
In this case I do not act out, but I did not learn anything. It is protective attitude (like abstinence) but it does not develop new skill.
It can be a temporary solution, but must be linked to clear boundaries.
Currently it is like that for my alchohol problem. I did not work on that topics as sincerely I have mae for sex addiction. I need to protect myself with a very clear boundary.
Escape is healthy until maturity is not reached. But it does not sustain long term health. As it was explained by Coach at the start of programm "Recovery is not Abstinence". But I would say escape (another word in my mind for abstinence) is an healthy way to create peace at the condition the problem is analyzed later in more confortable situation.

This is very theoric at this stage. I practise for internal stimulation with success (masturbation, fantasy...), but I still not confortable in my ability to create the break when the urge is here.

By the way I will use the opportunity of this lesson to review the September 24th 2016 ritual – get drunk at a party. Even if it is not direcetly related to sex addiction, it is clearly related to unhealthy behaviors driven by emotion. So I will use this ritual as support for the next lessons. I think I must use every opportunity to
develop an healthy decision making process.

Here below the description of the ritual of sept 24th, I highlight the emotion, as far as I can remember:

I arrive at the party with my wife and children
Host welcome us
Few mens are seated outside, havng a drink in front of BBQ
We accompany our children to meet others kids inside the house
As plan, I want to take care of my children first
The kids are everywhere, most of them eating around a table
Only my daughter wants to eat, my son and other daughter, escape to s
Nothing seem organized for kids. Inside is “cold”
Women are in the kitchen discussing.
I go back outside with my wife.
The host propose us a drink
I accept 1 pint of beer, from any beer available
The host pour me a pint
Start discuss. I do not seat, stay straight next to the door, to see later my children
The guest bring a barrel of beers, very good and strong imported Belgium beer.
I go to smoke a cigarette with the host
We discuss general stuff, I do not feel very confortable
I go back to my position next to the door
My wife propose me to seat in the group
I accept. I do not remember what the discuss is about
Men speak about alchohol, they say they start to drink 3 hours ago. They do not look drunk
I finish my first pint. Immediately I pour a new glass from barrel
I do not remember the discuss. I remember I finish quickly my second pint and go for another beer (the third)
We eat a little.
Kids come to say that would like to go to swimming pool
I follow my wife who has prepared all swim suit. I did not know. I did not prepare this eventuality depite I knew
I fell lost, not able to decide.
My wife decide to go with children to monitor them.
I decide to join her. I wear my swimming suit. I feel the effect of alchohol already.
I star to play with children in the swimming pool. I feel I am very lively, because of alchohol
My wife stop swimming, she is cold. She start to discuss with another parent next to swimming pool.
I play with the kids. I feel good and happy.
I go and see my wife next to the swimming, listen her discuss, ask to taste her wine.
I turn back to play, I organize a game.
I have a little intimacy with my wife, we share a kiss. Then she goes back with the others adult.
I am the only one adult
Other new guest arrive. They come to say me hello. We have a very short discuss. He is a guy I ma very happy to see.
I help his son to come to swimming pool.
I turn back to terrace, in swimming suit, to ask the parent of one kid. I have no trouble others adlt see me half naked. Most probably an effect of alchohol.
I turn back to play with kids.
I am alone, and I miss someone to come to see me, to discuss. I would like to drink.
Most probably after 15/20 minutes, one guy come to discuss and with a beer for me.
I am touched by this attention. I start general discuss but with more intimacy.
He suggest me to stop to monitor the kids as far as all the remaining one know how to swim.
I accept, but I do not feel confortable. I change quickly and turn back to terrace to notify my wife about the fact I stop monitoring. I want to have her approval.
I did not finish to wear my shirt and She react violently about that (she knows about my exhibition, and she will explain me later that it is not appropriate for others mens)
I feel lost at this stage.
I notice the guy I estimate. I start to discuss with enthusiasm, but nothing serious.
I notice he drinks a whisky. The host ask me if I want one. Then I accept.
From that point thing are less and less clear. Step by step I have been drunk. I was not able to find my confort, so I drink more, I notice my unability to speak clearly, it increases my incomfort, and so on..
I will pass over the last steps of the process.
I never reached confort during the night, and the shame and guilt has been present very quickly.
Where is the end of the ritual. Maybe when the morning, with a terrible hangover I ask my wife to forgive me this terrible attitude.

Consequences of this behavior:
 I violate absolute boundaries : “No act a way I would not like my children act when they will be adult”
 I violate the value to protect my family:
o My wife did not enjoy this moment, she was worried, this does not help her reconstruction
o By being drunk I was not able to protect my family in case of any problem
 I destroyed self esteem

From this incident I have decided the following actions
New boundary : I will respect a strict alchohol abstinence from now in any situation.
This boundary is based on the fact that I am not able to fix a reasonable limit to alchohol consumption when emotion level increase, and the fact that drink alchohol too fast I any situation

New urge to manage : I will include the behaviors during social event as a source of urge to manage
This is based on the fact that I did not prepare in a good way, considering my current level of emotionl maturity.

In this context, the healthy behavior would become:
Prepare an actions plan before to go : no alchohol, make sure the children eat, make sure the children have a good time
At the party Refuse any drink, ask for a soft drink. Make sure my wife and family feel confortable during this social event.
This won’t have necessarily positive effect on my sociability (but who knows… it is new for me), but for sure the long term consequence wil be positive: I will have manage a social event in a healthy way, I will have self esteem, and I will be aware what happen.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2016 5:30 am 
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Lesson 51
I will analyze the chain of my relapse of August 16th and my alchohol problem of Sept 24th. Both of them are a chain made of several rituals, made of several element. I will study ritual following the time scale, and I will apply decision making process for every stage (knowing that in this case I finally took the unhealthy option).

Chain number 1 : August 16th Relapse
I described the chain over 52 elements. Basically I identify 21 opportunities to decide. 21 opportunities to choose between health and unhealthy.
Since this relapse my maturity and boundaries have evolved, and should be able to stop me at very early stage theoritically. But this is theoretical, and I am convinced I can learn to apply decision making for the different stages.

I will work on every decision of the following days (I have 7 days off with my family) . I just develop The 3 first decisions (tough job!!!). I will continue in order to train my self about this mechanics and my boundaries.

1. I am on a business trip in a partner company
2. The boss invited me and my colleague for a diner
>>> DECISION 1
3. We had a good day at work. I succeed to reach all my objectives.
4. During diner, people continue to socialize
5. The language is mainly Chinese and Japanese. I can not speak too much and I do not understand. I feel a little isolate.
>>> DECISION 2
6. I use the opportunity of discuss about sex, to go back in front scene
7. We drink a lot, have many toast.
>>> DECISION 3
8. The boss tell me he booked the hostess bar next door after diner. I continue my joke about sex.
>>> DECISION 4
9. We move to the bar. I start to be drunk.
>>> DECISION 5
10. I become “party man”. The girls are not especially attractives but I play the game
>>> DECISION 6
11. The pattern is exactly like the party 3 days ago.
>>> DECISION 7
12. I start to feel excited. I think to myself that I could maybe have sex with one on these girls
>>> DECISION 8
13. We stop the party, the boss of company goes back home with one girl. I want to do the same
>>> DECISION 9
14. I decide I want to have sex. 2 obstacles: I am with one colleague I do not want him to know that, and I have no cash
>>> DECISION 10
15. I turn back hotel with my colleague. We said each other “good night”, but I leave the room immediately
>>> DECISION 11
16. I look for a ATM. I decided to return to the bar.
>>> DECISION 12
17. On the road to seek for ATM I see massage and spa saloon. No doubt about the service they propose.
18. I think to myself about the “best” way to get orgasm
19. I take money from ATM and turn back. When I walk I hesitate between option.
>>> DECISION 13
20. I pass in front the massage saloon I have seen previously. I see a sexy girl in front. I decide to go in.
>>> DECISION 14
21. They only speak Chinese, but we understand each other about what I want. I want to be masturbate.
22. A woman drive me to a room. There is several room, I guess massage lady waiting inside.
23. I arrive in the room, she gave me “suit” and ask me to wait
24. I start to dress off, the grils arrived. I feel excited to dress off in front of her, to be naked.
25 to 35 : description of the sexual behavior
>>> DECISION 15 : oral sex without protection
36. I dress very quickly. I know I have shame.
37. I pay and say good bye, I cross the sexy girl of the entrance and tell to myself I would have prefer her,
38. I go back to the hotel
39. I feel really dirty. I feel dirty to had oral sex, to have ejaculate in her mouth.
40. I took a shower, go to sleep. I fall asleep immediately.
>>> DECISION 16
41. I woke at 5:30. Feeling very bad. But I am aroused
42. I decide to masturbate. I feel guilty, and I know what I am doing is bad.
43. Few image and fantasy of last night come back
44. I ejaculate on myself, I want to feel dirty. I want to feel the contact with my shame
>>> DECISION 17
45. I smoke 2 cigarett. I relapse on that as well
>>> DECISION 18
46. I feel really bad. I know clearly disrespect all my commitment. I know that I completely decided to do what I have done. I was fully aware of non return point at every stage of the chain. AT EVERY POINT! And I decide that the immediate gratification will be better than the guilt. My emotion were stronger.
47. I masturbate again before my shower. I even try to go and see porn, but I can not because of internet.
>>> DECISION 19
48. I masturbate and fell shame in same time.
49. I have my orgasm. I look at my sperm. I want to see.
50. I take my shower, go to breakfast.
>> DECISION 20
51. I think a lot, I see the emotion, I do not understand the conflict, why I have decided to generate this conflict.
52. I start to write this post.
>> DECISION 21

DECISION 1 : the boss of the company, who I know is not very healthy (he sees his family only 2 weeks per year, spent most of his evening in hostess bar) propose me a diner.
I am not especially motivated. I know I am weak, not very well balanced emotionally. I am in business trip, no one wait for me at home. But I am triggered by this invitation : diner with this person is an opportunity for partying with girls.

Option 1 : I accept the invitation
Value and boundaries violated : I violate my value “Do not act in way that destroy my self esteem”:
“List the behaviors I consider unhealthy identify the related “object” and define a boundary to prepare if situation happen” and this is situation is part of that
This is not a remaining option

Option 2 : I answer we will see later
Value and boundaries violated: this is an escape, I post pone the decision. It let me time for thinking
This is not an option, as far as I will turn back to other option after

Option 3 : I accept the invitation but I say I can not drink alchohol
Value and boundaries violated : I violate my value “Do not act in way that destroy my self esteem”
This can not be a remaining option, as far as I know the guy and the situation is unhealthy. I violate my boundaries.

Option 4 : I ask to think about it and I call my wife or someone I trust, someone aware about my addiction.
This is not mature, and I generate a potential conflict between boundaries. But it is a way to explicit the decision making process. So I keep as a remaining option.
a. You make the decision to act on this option
I will feel temporary inconfortable about asking someone, feeling immature. There is a risk that I minimize. The purpose is to explain my emotional conflict.
In long term I will learn from this.
b. You make the decision NOT to act on this option
Depending if I choose healthy or unhealthy decision, I will face temporarily a feeling of unachievement if I am not able to understand my emotional conflict.
If I choose unhealthy option (go out), I will have guilt to not have use this option and I will miss an opportunity to learn
c. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision becomes known by others
As by definition the decision is to inform my wife, this is not really applicable. I will feel temporary shame about my immaturity, and I will fear her perception.
In long term I will be proud to be honest and transparent with her, she will know who I am, and my actual maturity.
d. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision remains secret
Not applicable in this case

Option 5 : I refuse strictly the invitation
Values and boundaries violated : No boundary violated,
a. You make the decision to act on this option
I will feel temporary inconfortable, with the feeling I break a relation. It can be an obstacle for further professional development. To be respectful, friendly, smiling is part of my value. Actually I do not know what will be the emotional impact on short and long term. There is a belief, especially in Asia, that after work are mandatory, and a key for success. Actually I know it is bullshit, but it is not so confortable to be “anti-system”. This one motivation to leave Asia, it is not healthy for me.
In long term, I will feel self esteem because I say “NO” and it is possible. I will handle professional consequences, professionally as I always made.
b. You make the decision NOT to act on this option
I will feel inconfortable in short term, and whatever the consequence it will generate a loss of self esteem.
c. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision becomes known by others
I will feel very proud of my attitude I suppose. But I think in this situation, currently I will tell to my wife, and honestly tell the conflict I met.
d. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision remains secret
Lack of gratification and I will keep my inconfort inside me, which is not healthy. I need to express my emotional incomfort.
Option 6 : I refuse the invitation and give an excuse
Values and boundaries violated : No boundary violated,
Very similar to option 5, but I take care, by lying, to not hurt the guy who propose me to go out.
a. You make the decision to act on this option
I do not feel incomfortable about work, but I do not have a lot of esteem : the guy will propose me again. I did not close the door.
A part of this decision is motivated by emotion, the fact to not close a door, the fact to not assume my identity.
So in long term, it is not as benefic as option 5.
b. You make the decision NOT to act on this option
Same as option 5
c. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision becomes known by others
Same as option 5, but I will feel inconfortable by the fact that I have not been completely honest. I
d. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision remains secret
I keep inconfort inside me, because I am not so proud of my attitude, I continue to keep imbalance. This not completely healthy

DECISION 2: I do not feel confortable at a business diner. I start to drink. The discuss is around topic that does not interest me, or for which I am not confortable (not directly related to professional topic). I already start to drink alchohol and I accepted to toast (boundary already violate!). Suddenly guy start to speak on topic around sex, alchohol… Because of my image, he look at me, thinking I am the guy to discuss about that. I am triggered by this discuss. Image related to sex addiction come. I feel less and less confortable : isolate + triggered + alchohol that increase my desire for “socialization”

Option 1 : I start to joke about sex, explicitely recognize that I have many good stories about that
Not a remaining action, an absolute boundary is violated (“not act in way I would feel unconfortable to tell my wife”)

Option 2 : I show clearly my disapprobation about that topic
I do not violate boundaries.
a. You make the decision to act on this option
I will feel incomfort about breaking a “friendly” moment. Actually I do not disapproved their attitude, I disapprove my addiction.
Even if I feel self esteem about showing my difference, I do not think I would feel completely honest with myself. The way I judge my past behavior does not mean I must judge the other one the same.
b. You make the decision NOT to act on this option
I will remain inconfortable by not showing
c. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision becomes known by others
It is a selfish attitude. I won’t be proud of this attitude. Again it is motivated by seeking for an artificial image.
d. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision remains secret
I will keep unsatisfaction inside me

Option 3 : I show no interest, reaction and I explain my inconfort for the discuss and I change the topic
I do not violate boundaries
a. You make the decision to act on this option
It is not easy to speak about my inconfort to people without minimizing or without taking position. I face nearly the same issue few days ago when a colleague asked (basically it was friendly) me how were the Chinese girls? I answer him that his question make me trouble, and that I was happy with my family.
I felt proud of my answer. I did not generate unfriendly emotion (there is no reason, and it was more a joke from him) but I marked my sensibility.
b. You make the decision NOT to act on this option
Other option will bring inconfort, dishonesty feeling
c. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision becomes known by others
I will be confortable with this decision. I imagine my wife will be worried to know if I did not say too much and I respect her image. It is important with this decision to keep in mind the respect of my wife. I act to respect my wife, not for my image.
d. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision remains secret
I will wonder if I have been fully honest and respectful to the image of my wife. This can generate lack of confidence in long term. To really learn nothing must remain secret

>>> DECISION 3 : I start to be drunk. I already violate 2 boundaries (no alchohol, no talk about sex). I am part of the group, so I feel carried by the emotion. I still feel an inconfort. If I continue to drink and start to get seriously drunk I can behave more and more dangerously. I am still aware about that.

Option 1 : continue to accept all toast we propose to me
I violate my boundary : I will get drunk. This is not a remaining option

Option 2 : continue to accept all toast but indicate that I have to go very soon
I violate my boundary : I will get drunk. I just try to find an excuse to pass the incomfort. This is not a remaining option.

Option 3 : stop to drink
No boundary are violated. It is is acceptable option.
a. You make the decision to act on this option
A temporary feeling of unachievement. I will have to leave the place soon after. But this will make me increase of self confidence, and learn that I can control such emotion
b. You make the decision NOT to act on this option
I will get drunk, I will increase my need for compulsive behaviors. As consequence I increase the risk to act out, and to damage what I have built.
c. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision becomes known by others
I won’t be proud by the fact I reach that point. Most probably I will receive a warning about the risk I took. I will learn about such risk. The risk is to increase a kind of unhealthy self confidence: I succeed so I can extend boundaries.
d. You make the decision to act on this option, and that decision remains secret
I will remain inconfortable to hide this slip. The learning process can be blocked.

I will work in the coming days on the next decisions
DECISION 4 : I start to be drunk. The colleague tells me that he plan to go to an hostess bar just after. Of course I am invited to join…
DECISION 5 : I am drunk, I arrive with colleague in a hostess bar. I am immediately triggered by my need for exhibition
DECISION 6 : I exhibit myself during party.
DECISION 7 : I am really drunk, and I exhibit myself (sing, dance…). I feel inconfortable, I feel this is inappropriate
DECISION 8 : I start to think about opportunity to have sex, or at least more intimacy, with one of the hostess
DECISION 9 : The party is interrupt quickly. The boss is leaving with 1 girl. I am triggered. I want to act the same way.
DECISION 10 : I want to act out. I have 2 obstacles : my colleagues and money
DECISION 11 : I escape my colleague to have secretly sex
DECISION 12 : I need to find an ATM to pay a prostitute
DECISION 13 : I take money. Now I can look for the different options
DECISION 14 : I pass in front of salon massage. It looks ugly. I do not feel confortable…
DECISION 15: I choose a masturbation massage. During act, the girl propose me oral sex. I accept, she starts without protection
DECISION 16 > 21 : I am full of shame ad guilt, I feel dirty….


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 04, 2016 3:35 am 
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Lesson 52.

I am in holidays with my family for 1 week. Children require a lot of attention, so not the best to isolate few hours and work... By the way this situation inspires me for lesson 52 exercise.

Most probably children education is an area where it requires to isolate emotion from decision.

In several occasion children does not let you do as you would like. Because it is my duty to educate them well, they are my first priority. In many case I isolate the emotion (boredom, lazy, angry or happy) to focus on education: to be a good father, to be father and to give attention to my children.

Because I feel a strong responsibility against them, I put on the side the emotion (even I am frustrated to not do what I want) to focus on value based actions (does not mean I am a prefect father). In this case it is more and more natural (I rebuilt a lot for the last 10 month, addiction has damaged a lot this aspect).

There are several situation at work, related to management, where emotion need to be isolate from
Emotion. It is less natural, require preparation (face a tough negotiation with an employee, a supplier or a customer is not emotionally free!). Business gives a frame, and usually I feel responsible if the power the company has delegated to me.

In both case there is a strong idea about the sense of responsibility. Not necessarily values, but at least strong principle, that prevent decision based on pure emotion (of course it happens to me to shout on my children or reversely not be strict enough, same at work... But awareness is really present).


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2016 3:13 am 
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Lesson 53:

Masturbation : good choice and bad choice?

Masturbation is unhealthy as far it is stimulated internally based on fantasy. Masturbation without fantasy is tough, and fantasy are based on unhealthy sexual image.

I could imagine 2 cases were masturbation would be healthy.
First if masturbation is a way to not act out (for example prostitution...), in this case it is an healthier option. My wife told me the masturbation is not part of her boundaries. If I masturbate instead of acting out, I will not hurt my wife, I would be able to tell her (but not necessarily comfortable). To refer to chain described in lesson 51, masturbation could have been an acceptable option to decision 7 to 15. It would have a been a good way to stop very quickly the chain, and limit the consequences. I would have lost self esteem, but no hurt my wife, no violate absolute boundaries, and I could have learnt from that case very efficiently (I would not have been proud of my behavior anyway). So I suppose in this case masturbation could be considered as healthy.
Another possible use of masturbation in a healthy way, would be for intimacy development with my partner. I have read that it is possible to develop multi-orgasmic abilities. Masturbation, without ejaculation, is a way to reinforce intimacy. For the moment I am very far to think about that, as far as I miss intimacy at the moment. But it is something I will keep in mind, as part as my new sexual boundaries I would like to share with my partner (lesson 39).


Conflict:
I am contacted by a former mistress...
I fantasize on romantic relation with a former mistress...

The reference to romantic fantasy is an important source of conflict. In my case I had relation with several mistress. Sex was really in the center of the relation but in parallel I organized a strong romantic relation (daily letter, share intimacy and moments). I can not see only these person as object. Even if they were object for me, even if they considered me as object...
Here is a conflict in my decision making.

9 month ago I have been contacted by 2 former mistress during the same week. It was 3 month after first discolsure, and they knew about the situations. But in my mind I was still having romantic fantasy with them. When they contacted me, I was happy by this attention, and I organize a date with them (a coffee, and a lunch). I discussed with them like old friend, but actually, I know it was more than that, a way to assess if there were opportunity to restart. And these dates have re-activated strongly my fantasy for the coming weeks. It was really unhealthy decision.
I have a conflict to say "NO" to people that would show attention to me. Of course this is driven by immediate gratification but not only. To be friendly, to be polite, to be smiley is part of my values. But by chatting with these women I violate the value to be faithful to my wife.
I list this case in role play of lesson 47. My decision would be to use the opportunity to be contacted to stop very clearly this relation, to let no hope to my other mistress. I know I will suffer a conflict by doing this, but it is just temporary.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 2:54 am 
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Lesson 54
Value based decision with negative consequence
Emotion driven decision with positive consequence

In the past I already think about the positive role of addiction. Recently I could not say that any of my compulsive behaviors had a positive impact. Fear, guilt and shame...

Concerning value driven decision, most important is the ability to learn from consequence.

Recently I wanted to tell about my addiction to someone to explain why I did not want to go out. Basically it was motivated by my values. Because of poor communication quality by phone, I had no opportunity to explain and we finished the communication. Hopefully, I thought few minutes later. Then I consider my wife. What she would think if I would speak about my addiction to someone she knows as well. My behavior, motivated by my value, had the potential to hurt my wife. If I would have told the guy my story, the consequence could have been very very negative for my wife. Later I think twice about this decision, and finally it was more motivated by my image than by my value...

Recently, I have decided to inform my boss that I would like to stop, in a short time, my expat mission to China. I called him, I explained that it was related to a personal issue, and something closed to survival for me. I did not say anything about my addiction, and not too much about my couple issue. My boss listen to me, and promised me to give me news in the 2 following week, latest within 4 weeks.
I was happy by this reaction, because it was an important decision for me (one of the decision of my life probably). So immediately I communicate to my wife. I was proud of my self with nothing to hide and to minimize. But it seems my communication has not been good, because my wife understood we will receive an answer within 2 weeks. I discovered this misunderstanding 2 weeks later, when I told her to have no stress about the feedback from my company, because it was planned to get an answer within 2 to 4 weeks. She did not understand about the leadtime. I was really frustrated to be seen as someone lying again. It was a value driven actions, and I had absolutely nothing to hide. But I must confess that if she did not understand everything it is most probably because I have not been clear. By the way, this has generated a big frustration for several hours.

Yes value driven decision may generate negative emotion. And in my case I feel it very frustrating, it is not easy to switch to lesson learnt(in this case reinforce my communication for important topic with my wife). It is dangerous because frustration generate imbalance, and iny case sexual thought...


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 06, 2016 6:17 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3880
Location: UK
Hi Bovary
your work rate and sincerity in completing the programme are evident and commendable
:g:

but please ensure that you allow the time to fully embrace and engage in the teachings and work them into your everyday life

I am not suggesting that you are not doing so, simply raising awareness

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 09, 2016 8:49 pm 
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Dear Coach Kenzo,

Thanks for your message.

I am sorry to not have seen before, I must confess I used the last few days to think actively about next steps. I suffered an urge last week (related to masturbation – I fought all night) and even if I did not slip, I felt really despair about myself.

I read the lessons from 55 to 59. I found them very interesting, and I think I was in the good way (I developed reactive actions plan naturally based on my relapse). It seems the recovery process from these lessons will be focus on autonomy and continuous learning and improvement. I understand it is healthy, but I must be honest that I am little afraid of that. Why? Because for more than 3 month I felt a big support from the process and from the fact to post (and even if I did use too much the forum). I am afraid to not be able to support my life by myself. It is immature, but it is normal, because I always acted this way until now! I am afraid, but this is a great opportunity.

So I decided to develop the following actions plan about recovery for the next 2 weeks:
Topics to work on:
1. Finish to review “options” concerning my relapse of August 16th (what I started in lesson 51). The goal is now to really take the time to train my skill about actions plan and decision making.
2. Work on “consequences” : review option and consequences related to 5 past behaviors related to my addiction. Here I want to develop my awareness of consequences, especially the positive. I need to give positive in my new choice
3. Actions plan for 5 probable situations of relapse or emotional imbalance in the next 12 month

I won’t post anything about this work, and I will assess after 2 weeks how I succeed or not to ingrain this process in self mode.

Ypu gave me a wonderful tool box, I must admit I am now in stress to use it. But it is just an ability to develop from now. Train, train, train… And seek all opportunities to develop these abilities (decision making, positive consequence, anticipation).

On the other hand, as planned, I proposed to my wife to start the couple process together. I feel I am ready, probably it will be painful, but it is an incredible opportunity to know each other and to build a project. We started to discuss last night. Most probably we will authorize us once per week to work on. We have to define a program.

Thanks.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2016 8:21 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
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I have very bad night recently. From beginning of the week, I wake up every morning around 4:30, 5. I am excited in most of the case. My mental run hard and fast. It melts sexual fantasy, work issues. I struugle to not masturbate. I can not go back to sleep. This situation worry me a lot (and my wife too). I suffer the same kind of trouble during my peak addiction period.

Day after day, night after night, I use this issue (I start to feel tired and I am afraid of the consequence on my general health) as an opportunity to develop practically the decision making.

Just as feedback:
 Perceive the emotion : not so difficult to do, but I need to
 Isolate the emotion : Still difficult to do, but I start to understand the mechanics. Globally the pattern to succeed: accept the emotion (it is normal to be excited, because…), and isolate from the behaviors (what am I doing? What am I intending to do?). This remain very long and not natural process at this stage (and not only about sex). I need to continue to develop learning opportunities.
 Review options : not very difficult to do, not very long, but mandatory to do. The ritual is the same every day, only the nature of the fantasy change (last night was about the HR assistant who wear a very sexy dress yesterday…). I did not ingrained enough the consequences positives and negatives
 Decide : no problem, at leat for this masturbation ritual
 Learn : That’s the reason of this post. I do not spend enough time about reviewing the consequence, and it is maybe a reason why I still face problem, or I take too much time, to perform an efficient decision making process.

So this morning, I authorize myself to review the consequences of my recovery process.

Negatives
 I lost my method to counterbalance negative emotion.
 I am currently in a stressful situation: I will go back France within 3 month. There is many things to think about, and because I am a very mental person, and I am triggered very quickly about that topics.
 By the way, I redevelop kind of insomnia.
 I still have a lot of sexual image and fantasy during this stress period, with unhealthy thought.
 I still struggle to not act out, several time per day (struggle from less than 1 secon, to several hours)
 I understand sex is still very important for me. I feel guilt and shame to still struggle with that.

Positives:
 I manage my life: I am not perfect, but I can not lie to myself anymore. Everyday I take decision and I assume the consequences.
 I have no secret life, no stress by hiding anything to my wife
 I have an excellent relation with my children
 I have a good communication with my wife
 I have a friend to talk with
 I am proud of my decision to go back to France
 I am proud to learn about emotion management everyday,
 I can start to think about intimacy without objectify sex, despite abstinence
 I have healthy sexual thought about my wife. She is the unique person for who I have healthy sexual thought
 I have hope, I have dream and I am realist
 I trust myself in my intellectual ability and my working attitude

At this stage I won't do special actions plan for this insomnia issue. I will follow my priorities and continue to seek for opportunities to develop my urge management skills. But I monitor very strictly this issue.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2016 5:55 am 
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Last week I did not post that much , I tried to work in autonomy.

Actually the result is not that good. Here I share few of my feelings:

I struggle about masturbation ritual and fantasy every day. More and more I implement with awareness the mechanism : perceive emotion, isolate emotion, review option and consequences, decide.
I must be honest, I have many fantasy about previous affair with very sexual image. The urge prevention mechanism helps me to not go until masturbation, but I still feel painful the fact that I am triggered so much.

In parallel, I had 2 sources of stress at work that generate angriness. I won’t detail the situation, the fact was I get very angry each time. And it was not good way to react, and finally I have been obliged to repair the “damage” the day after. Urge must be and can be implemented at work as well. Again I am driven by my emotion and I forgot about the consequence. At the end I feel shame and unconfort. This increase my stress. So I must eradicate these lost of temper. What is incredible, is the fact that I had 2 very bad night for 2 very little issue at work. I am able to struggle several hours because of stress situation.

For me it is very similar that urge for compulsive behavior.

At the end of the week I can say:
When I have an emotional unbalance, It is not easy to make the break
I am aware of the fact that I am under emotion
I do not learn enough from my decision
I did not act out (sexually)
I did not have major frustration

I feel a frustration about myself and the fact that I consider to not have put enough effort on my recovery over the last few days.

My plan last week was:
 Continue to develop the options related to chain described in lesson 51 (which can contribute to ingraine the mechanism and in same buil a reactive action plan) > I only develop 2 options more
 Works on consequences: I have made a little work about positive and negatives consequences of my recovery. It was useful. I planned to work on detail 5 past rituals (lesson 55) > I did not do
 Develop an actions for 5 probables situation in the coming month (lesson around reactive actions plan) > I did not formalize – basically the idea is to take again what I have studied in week 47 and replay using my latest knowledge.

Today I would like to go in detail of lessons 55 : Decision making – past

The ritual I would like to dissect is the following.

In may 2015, just after my birthday, I found an opportunity to organize a meeting between my mistress and my wife. We spent the whole day together (without incident). I would like to understand this decision (for which I feel a huge shame and guilt now)

1. Were you aware that you were experiencing a compulsive sexual event at the time?
No, I was in a romantic fantasy. I tried to believe that it was over with my mistress and we could have a friendship relation. It was bullshit, but I did not want to admit at that time.
2. How intense were the emotions that were triggered by this event — BEFORE you chose to act on it?
Big excitement: suspense to show myself in another context to my mistress, suspense to see how my mistress will react, excitement about potential jealousy from my wife, excitement about doing everything to keep the secret. I never take into account of potential consequence, I did not imagine the consequence.
3. At any point did you look to your values in a sincere effort for guidance in your decision-making?
I never considered my value to take this decision. It was purely motivated by the development of a romantic affair.
4. After making the decision to act on this sexual event, how long did the emotions elicited from the event last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. affair lasted two weeks)
This give an achievement feeling for several weeks (situation control, very romantic) and increase the intensity of my excitement (I remember 2 days after I started a sexual relation with a new mistress)
5. In the aftermath, did you make a conscious effort to evaluate the consequences of your decision? If so, what did you conclude? If not, do so now. What were the consequences — even if benign?
Once my wife, 6 month later, has discovered this affair, the fact I have organized this meeting increase dramatically the trauma.
Whit this decision, I did not only lie or hide, I played and I manipulated my family as an object to increase the intensity.
I lost the trust of my wife by deciding this.
6. If there were consequences, how intense were the emotions elicited from those consequences? How long did they last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. guilt continues two years later; was caught by wife, distrust continues two years later, lost friendships continue, etc.)
The affair have been discovered 1 year ago (October 2015) and the trauma of my wife is not passed (and my relapse are terribly helpless). I still feel guilt and unforgivable feeling about that. Even if it is just 1 thing over 20 years of lie, it is something that will generate trouble and doubt for a long time.

In January 2016, I have been in touch with 2 former mistress after a break of 3 month following my addiction disclosure. At that time I knew I was sex addict. My wife found interesting web site and I had started abstinence. I have met these 2 girls, did not have sex, but I have seen her face to face. I consider it was the restart of a romantic affair. I would like to understand why did I take the decision to contact again these girls.

1. Were you aware that you were experiencing a compulsive sexual event at the time?
I had the feeling I was doing something not correct. But I would say I was not aware that I was experiencing something remated to sexually compulsive. I had started abstinence, I had started to work to handle my emotion (I thought - I did not know recovery nation at that time). When I have been contacted by these girls (with few days between) I thought I was someone else. And I tried to convince myself (I lied) that I was just meeting old friend…
2. How intense were the emotions that were triggered by this event — BEFORE you chose to act on it?
Very intense. Actually I miss the romantic side of the addiction. Something to develop my image and get achievement. For the first time of my life I was work to my self development just for me. I always did for my image. When I have been contacted by these girls I felt very excited.
3. At any point did you look to your values in a sincere effort for guidance in your decision-making?
Very little, I did not fight too much to avoid meeting. I have been immediately under the charm of the attention given by these girls. I have forgotten every I started to build.
4. After making the decision to act on this sexual event, how long did the emotions elicited from the event last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. affair lasted two weeks)
For the first time I felt guilt. But in the wrong way initially. I thought it was unfair that I can not keep the friendship. I felt guilt to not find courage to tell to my wife. I told her 2 weeks after. This revelation made her a huge pain, I did not initially understand!
I kept the excitement of the romantic affair for nearly 1 month. My wife knew the situation and asked me to stop clearly. I wrote and I stopped definitively the relation (not easy decision). No news since then.
5. In the aftermath, did you make a conscious effort to evaluate the consequences of your decision? If so, what did you conclude? If not, do so now. What were the consequences — even if benign?
In this case I lied after disclosure. I lied despite commitment I took. And I did not feel guilt initially about that.
This decisions ruins effort to restore trust with my wife, trust in my recovery. She has doubt and suspicion about what I say. I lied in the past, and here I lied in the present.
6. If there were consequences, how intense were the emotions elicited from those consequences? How long did they last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. guilt continues two years later; was caught by wife, distrust continues two years later, lost friendships continue, etc.)
Consequence in term of loss of trust from my wife still existing.

Short term emotionnal satisfaction, value broken for long time... It is terrible ritual I described here above in term of value... Decision I took, without regard to my values and without regard to conséquences.


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2016 6:14 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3880
Location: UK
Hello B
you wrote and I abstract/abridged

Quote:
This is a free post about an unhealthy behavior I had this week end.

It is not directly related to sex, but by the way I violated my values and boundaries by doing that.

I had a bad night, I was aware of my shame even before to leave the party.

By acting this way, I violate values and boundaries. I even violate an absolute boundary :

I lost a lot of self esteem, I miss my duty to protect my family, and I broke everything I restored recently with my wife. I lost connection.

On Sunday I felt sad, shame, anger against myself and despair.


your behaviour was not excusable and you take that on the chin :g: :g:
however look at the positives

you have travelled far enough and have changed enough to recognise you wrongdoing, so you should be able to manage situations not simply avoid them
RN is not simply about sex addiction
RN provides the skeleton road map for healthy value driven living
learn and change
your journey continues

I did not have any sexual thought during the party and since then, but I have others probem.

During this party I have been able to forget about my wife, my family. My values. So it is absolutely similar to my attitude in addiction.

This is a very big issue.

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 18, 2016 9:00 pm 
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Posts: 134
Dear Coach,

Your reformulation is perfect.

The journey will continue, and it is not only about sex.

My emotion management weaknesses can be seen in many others aspects of my life. It is a problem, in same time, as it is global, it offers more opportunity to learn.

As example, I follow currently a process of professional skill review. A personal work, that is supported by my company, that I required to prepare the end of my expatriate contract and the return to my country (France). The approach is very interesting (most probably due to the consultant) and quite similar to RN in some point. I have explored very similar concept about “confort area” and “core identity”. I know and I understand now what is my comfort area (professionally, but by the way in the day to day life). In this area, I take healthy decision (professionally for example is when I am in touch with skilled and expert people, working in project mode, having a general long term objective and autonomy, friendly atmosphere, opportunity to be intellectually challenge).

And I can start to anticipate situation where I can be uncomfortable (repetitive task, managing “sensitive people”…).

The emotion management is clearly something I need to improve, this is recognized by others people as well… I want to enlarge my comfort area, step by step, to improve my life quality, to continue my personal development, to preserve my health and to offer more comfort to the one I love.

Kenzo, your reformulation inspired me, Here a recent example: “Last Thursday, I get very angry at work following a misunderstanding. The person in front was strong enough to react. I took very personally her remarks. As the consequence my attitude has not been polite and respectful, I felt guilt about my attitude because I violate my values, I had a very bad night, I spend the next days to move forward and to repair. This attitude is similar to sex addiction: emotionally driven decision”.

Simply to say that I fully agree and understand that RN is not only about sex addiction. It is really about life management skills. The journey will continue, will never end, but what an interesting journey :w: Many thanks to RN.

To be positive (I decided to force myself to see positive things):
 > I had an excellent week end : I started to be soccer coach every Saturday morning for children, I played and had a lot of fun with my kids, We had an excellent BBQ with friends on Sunday
 > I am already highly involved in my new work. Involve myself in work, restart/reactivate network, face new situation and people, is an excellent stress counter balance (very little sexual thought for the last 3 days),
 > I am aware. It is not always easy to handle, but I am aware and completely honest with myself. I am aware of who I am, I am aware of decision I took, I am aware of the consequences, even if it is difficult to accept the reality. I can only move forward, and finally it is the way I get satisfaction now…
And these stuffs are positive because I have decided of them.

I stopped there and continue with my program around Lesson 56 – Decision making Present. Thanks for your comment 

L56 - Potential compulsive sexual event

Very short term :
1. masturbation
Possible :
2. To be contacted by a former mistress
3. An attractive woman shows me interest and start to seduce me

Situation 1:
1. Will you be aware that a compulsive sexual event is occurring? (at this stage, you should be)
YES definitively
2. How intense do you anticipate the emotions triggered by this event to be?
Depends of my emotional context. But I would consider this as low level.
3. At what point in the decision-making process will you look to your values for guidance?
From very beginning (when I start to touch me). In term of behavior, masturbation is basically not in conflict with my values, but the sexual image and fantasy around the behaviors clearly enter in conflict. I will think (as I do now) about my boundary (would I be confortable to speak about that), the consequence (I will feel guilt and hopeless). Finally if the fantasy are strong I found an escape by thinking to my children and/or by dreaming about a trail running in mountain.
4. Should you make the decision to act on this sexual event, how long do you anticipate the emotions elicited from the event will last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. online chatting will provide me with two hours of stimulation)
The emotion related to masturbation will late very short time. I would say few minutes.
5. Anticipate the consequences of your decision to act on the compulsive urge. What consequences might there be if you were caught? If you weren't?
I will feel lying to myself because I ated secretly and because I have been unfaithful to my wife by fantasing, for several minutes, about image ingrained during my addiction period. I will feel guilt and shame. If I am not caught, I will restart to have lie or secret with my wife, I will feel guilt each time I sill speak to her. If I am caught, I will feel shame.
6. If there are consequences, how intense do you anticipate the emotions elicited from those consequences might be? How long might they last? Hours, days, weeks, years?
By the way, masturbation is not a ritual with major consequence. It does not hurt the boundares of my partner. This is more a boundary I fixed to myself, because until that point masturbation is related to the use of sexual image and fantasy. I think this is sreally unhealthy to glorify image from this period, knowing the consequence. I feel guilt to have these thought, and I feel guilt to appreciate. By the way, these behaviors bring me emotional comfort in the past. I will feel better when I will be able to counter balance these triggers by seeing quicker the consequences of such act. No important long term consequence due to masturbation.

Situation 2
1. Will you be aware that a compulsive sexual event is occurring? (at this stage, you should be)
YES definitively. I will forget everything I was doing and my thought will be only focused on this event. This is the sign that emotions take the control. But it is the way to be aware of the event.
2. How intense do you anticipate the emotions triggered by this event to be?
I would say medium/strong intensity. More than intensity, actually it can generate a long emotion (medium intensity but on a long time). And ths trigger coe with a lot of realistic opportunity. So basically I think it will be quite tough.
3. At what point in the decision-making process will you look to your values for guidance?
I think I will start to ruminate about what to do. If I am just contacted by email, I will have the force to not react immediately and create the break. By phone, this is a case I already studied in the urge paly role, and a typical case for reactive actions plans.
4. Should you make the decision to act on this sexual event, how long do you anticipate the emotions elicited from the event will last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. online chatting will provide me with two hours of stimulation)
It can be very long, I kept a relation secretly for 2 years. But today the guilt (and the fears to be caught and lost everything) is stronger/
5. Anticipate the consequences of your decision to act on the compulsive urge. What consequences might there be if you were caught? If you weren't?
I will not be able anymore to keep a secret life. The guilt and the stress would be too much. If I am not caught, I would feel guilt and fear permanently. If I am caught I will potentially lose my wife and my children at least.
6. If there are consequences, how intense do you anticipate the emotions elicited from those consequences might be? How long might they last? Hours, days, weeks, years?
The consequence will remain several years.

Situation 3 :
1. Will you be aware that a compulsive sexual event is occurring? (at this stage, you should be)
YES definitively. During addiction I was aware of this event. Now I will be aware of the emotion.
2. How intense do you anticipate the emotions triggered by this event to be?
I would say medium intensity. First it will depend how much the woman is attractive. Second it does not necessarily correspond to a standard scenario for me (all the affairs I get after a party being drunk).
3. At what point in the decision-making process will you look to your values for guidance?
It is most probably a scenario I need to develop in reactive actions plan. And I need to put more context. If this happen during a business trip won’t be the same as if it happens in my street! But there are different way to process this issue, if for example I just consider these 2 cases
o The business trip case, I have a diner after work with this very attractive colleague or business partner… first of all, I took the decision before to have a diner with her. So I should have anticipated the options. For this case I may use “pro-active actions plan” (“I decide to have a diner with an attractive colleague”) and “reactive actions plan” (“An attractive woman explicitely seduce me during a business trip”)
o If it is a pure unknown person, I think it will be easy to pass away
4. Should you make the decision to act on this sexual event, how long do you anticipate the emotions elicited from the event will last? Hours, days, weeks, years? (e.g. online chatting will provide me with two hours of stimulation)
Few hours of sexual stimulation, I won’t feel able to maintain a secret affairs anymore.
5. Anticipate the consequences of your decision to act on the compulsive urge. What consequences might there be if you were caught? If you weren't?
I will fell guilt. I will feel not confortable to say to my wife of course. If I am caught,my wife trust will decrease again.
6. If there are consequences, how intense do you anticipate the emotions elicited from those consequences might be? How long might they last? Hours, days, weeks, years?
This decision may have very long term consequences : divorce with my wife, separation with my kids, financial impact, disease.

Practically I understand the excercise as a way to ingrain the consequences of decision.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2016 7:20 pm 
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Posts: 134
Couple - excercice 1

Here I share my work around wouple exercise 1. This is exactly what I have prepared before to express to my wife. My wife did the same. We already had 2 sessions of 1:30 around this lesson 1. Communication is very important. It is actulaly the most challenging topics. It takes time to understand each other. IT is the most intersting aspect as well.I believe we can create a real partnership, something wonderful.


Vision for the couple:


For the next 12 month, seek for harmony and balance in the couple. Until now I just act with principle separating my inner self from my outer self. As consequence, I did not express my incomfort (keep it for my inner) and I did not ingrain my partner satisfaction (stay on my outer). I am seeking for the fusion between my inner and outer self. This means commu,icate, express, listen and share. Here are the area I would like to develop as a couple:

About education, support kids as a father and a mother, offer them emotional confort, and opportunity for development
 Give attention to their school education
 Make confortable our return to France after 5 years (house, friends, activities…)
 Spend time with them, listen to them. Organize our activities…
 Share experience, discovery by the fusion of our core identity (me and my partner)

Restore independence of my partner,
 To support her materially (time, money) to seek for an activities
 To provide emotional confort and trust, by keeping high transparency in our communicaion
 To improve my listening, to be an acceptable confident for her, to be a valuable friend

Keep a good health, I want we live with good health and good mood for a long time, by maintain healthy family event, support mutually ourself about the health

Create pleasure, happiness : Enjoy what we miss in China
o Nature, and share related emotion, which can be very different : silence, eternity, peace, effort, smell (remind the smell of forest during falls period)
o Freedom, less money but to be free to live in beautiful environment, to be free to say, think what we want
o Culture, To continue to dream

Seek for personal development, assume we can love our partner and not be exclusive, I mean to have other pillars, source of balance and harmony. Support each other to develop our own harmony, in the respect of the value of each one.

And here below it is my vision of love, generally speaking , I shared with my wife.

To wake up together and share a coffee
After a night road trip in a foreign country
After a night spent in the mountain
With the bird sings, the cool air and smells of a countryside morning

To explore and taste,
Different places,
Different cultures,
Knowledge
Emotion, feeling and sensation

To play,
Stay playful,
Give pleaseure, give place to pleasure and entertainment every time it is possible

Smile, laugh,
Between us, and with others, share the good mood and happiness

Speak,
Do not keep our thought, but express them loudly
With trust, confidence and sincerity

Breathe the same air,
Because time change, because weather may change,
Breathe together “L’air du temps”
Share our impression, our doubt, our wishes, our enthusiasm

To eat,
A common pleasure we share, to share and for sharing

To make love,
By offereing ourself fully,
By sharing our fantasies and boundaries
To make it good

To party,
To share ourself with the others,
We can be like complement in the party

To sleep together with kindness,
Every day,
In peace.

Obstacles:
 Sex addiction, relapse, lie: continue my work, be pro-active, anticpate situation, seek opportunity to control my emotion
 Communication and misunderstanding,Lack of listening : actions plan to be establish – refer to practical value
 Poor time management : actions plan to be establish – refer to practical value


Personal Goal:
Write a book, teach others, let something, an intellectual creation, to “humanity”. Seek opportunity for creation. Work hard and more to improve my creation.
Run an Ultra Trial, fell the effort, the loneliness, in the mountain by night. See the sun rising. Feel the early morning.
Hike with the whole family, define a goal, isolate ourself from the world, be one. Today, tomorrow, in 1 year, in 10, 20..

Goal of my partner
Live aboad,in Canada: something beautiful, friendly people, fusion with nature


Top 10 practical values review:

After my relapse on August 16th, I fcused on the following value/actions plan as my priority:

1. DEVELOP MY SELF RESPECT
1.1. REPAIR WHAT THE VALUES I HAVE BROKEN TO OTHER
1.1.1. Tell my wife I maintain lie about my past, by omission. Tell her I will inform her when I am ready for a full disclosure. Accept her reaction but keep my position. If I am not ready then I will continue to minimize based on her reaction.
1.1.2. Listen to her boundaries she has defined to rebuild herself. Give all my attention to respect these boundaries. Tell her honestly if I am not confortable.
1.1.3. Tell her the truth about my behaviors about any time
1.1.4. Tell her my feeling honestly. Identify the decision driven by emotion. Express my emotion without seeking immediate gratification. Accept her judgement
1.1.5. Support her the maximum I can, do not ask her to validate my decision, but explain my motivation.
1.1.6. Keep connected to her at any time
1.1.7. Maintain happiness, presence, comfort and support to my Children
1.2. DO NOT ACT IN A WAY THAT DESTROY MY SELF ESTEEM
1.2.1. Be faithful to my wife, prepare boundary about related behaviors
1.2.2. Stop social alcoholism, anticipate the moment, prepare actively boundary
1.2.3. List the behaviors I consider unhealthy identify the related “object” and define a boundary to prepare if situation happen
1.2.4. Continue to seek for opportunity to develop my awareness about decision making. Define necessary boundaries
1.3. PROTECT MY FAMILY
1.3.1. Implement an actions plan and boundaries to protect my family from infection
1.3.2. Define boundaries to respect my health
1.4. TO NOT DEPRESS
1.4.1. Maintain my work on recovery, define an actions plan, move forward
1.4.2. Be absolutely honest with myself at any time
1.4.3. Talk to someone
1.4.4. Define boundary about the sign of depress

It was an actions plan to develop self esteem and confidence. I respected and I still respect it, and It works, but I think it is not enough. I need to complete a vision. In September I started to redevelop a vision for my life. But I did not go till the value description. The value that describe fully my identity. I share with my wife what are my values. I am not yet able to give a practical image about all of them.

I want to taste, I am curious.
What?
Intellectually, intimacy, phyically, nature and landscape
Taste to feed my curiosity, to understand how does it work, to understand the mechanism of things, of emotions.
The pleasure to taste and discover, is my engine for life, that give sense to my life.

With who ?
With my partner, with my children, with my closed friends
To share my pleasure, my curiosity, to offer my enthusiasthm, to share my energy. To share boundaries, to learn, to understand from others point of view.
To love.

How ?
By being myself, by being proud of myself, by assuming who I am,
By protecting who I love, what I built, by giving priority to my duty
By feeding others with my dreams and vision

Key values?
Curiosity, play, pleasure, work, learn, understand, good mood, smile, health
Be proud of myself, do not lie to myself
Be protective

Now it is time to redevelop my actions plan:

MAINTAIN SELF ESTEEM
1.1. REPAIR WHAT THE VALUES I HAVE BROKEN TO OTHER
Communication with my wife, give attention, materially and emotionally) to her
Do not lie and communicate clearly
To contribute to comfort for our return in France
Start the couple workshop
1.2. DO NOT ACT IN A WAY THAT DESTROY MY SELF ESTEEM
Share about my goals, values, boundary
Be honest about my goal achievement, boundaries respect
Be honest about my stress level, my fears
Respect my commitment, assume the consequence
Be proactive, anticipate stressful situation
Apply for every aspect of life the tools I have learnt to control my emotion (anticipation, emotion awareness and decision making process)
1.3. PROTECT MY FAMILY
Take care of my family (materially and emotionally)
Finish DST test
1.4. TO NOT DEPRESS
Continue to communicate with my friend(s)
Review my stress balance honestly

DEVELOPPED A BALANCED LIFE
SPEND TIME WITH MY CHILDREN
Be very present in their education
Make them feel confident about the new life in France
Organize activities, spend time with them, together and individually
KEEP HEALTHY
Run, hike
Find activity to temper my emotion : yoga
work at home 1 to 2 times per week
Seek opportunity for support in France
BUILD A HOUSE
Involve myself in developing a “house” in France
Involve myself in burden, implement a time management to support burden
DEVELOP MY PROFESSIONAL SKILLS
Developp my key skills, assume I am a specialist
Enlarge my confort area, especially by developing collaborative management
Apply method learnt in recovery to seek for emotional control


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