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PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 7:32 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
Lesson 57 - Reactive actions plan

There are 2 topics I want to develop:
 One is related to sexuality
 One is related to my emotional management in professional situation
Both of them are compulsive, both of related behaviors are emotionally driven.
Get angry at work is the same mechanics as to develop an affair with someone meet in a bar. At one stage, I forget my values and boundaries, to just behave according my instant emotion. In both case I will suffer from guilt and shame, and consequence will take energy to repair (when possible).
And by the way, it is a way to seek every opportunity to develop skills in emotion management.

Here are the situations I want to analyze. It corresponds to most probable urge I could face in my first weeks when I will go back to France.
 During business trip, I am alone at the hotel, I feel bored. I notice that TV offers a channel with erotic program.
Define the situation
I am triggered by my past behavior. I am alone, I feel boredom.
Basically I have 3 options:
o Move forward to masturbation ritual
This will bring me pleasure. I will maintain the excitation for several hours. Most probably I will have several orgasm. Once I enter this ritual, I masturbate several time (at least 2 time, and often a third time a little bit later). As immediate consequence I will have find a way to spend my time, forget boredom and get pleasure instead.
I will feel tired the day after. My sex can be painful. I will feel shame of this non-sense activity, this waste of time. I will feel guilt for this weakness. I won’t feel confortable to tell my wife, I will feel bad, because I would have maintain voluntary fantasy about others women, or at least sexual object).
o Go to sleep
I will struggle to get sleep. Most probably I will touch myself. This may late several hours.
If I succeed to sleep quicky, I won’t be tired. In any case, I will feel proud of my behaviors, I will learn from the fact that I behave differently and the emotion was finite.
o Redirect my energy to valuable activity
I may use this energy to make something valuable. It is not so easy: on one side you have something easy to do for which the result is guaranteed, on the other hand I must do something for myself for which I do not know the result. I should list valuable activities I may plan for such moments:
 Work : take advance on my work, to get spare time later, to get more efficient the day after
 Write to friends: a good opportunity to maintain relation
 Think about next family activities
 Work on a personal project: work at home…
 Enjoy simple time with a book, a video
I need to anticipate such moment. It is possible. Do an activity which was planned, will give a great achievement feeling. The effort may help to get sleep quicker. I will struggle less, and I could easily switch to valuable thought.
I choose option 3, option 2 is of course very acceptable. But option 3 give value. It enables me to be someone else than the sex addicted.

My wife suggest to add 1 case to this scenario. I had a business diner, I am a bit drunk. I arrive to my hotel room and I know there is an erotic TV channel available… Even if I stop to drink, I accept to consider this scenario.
For this case, there is 2 new questions:
 What about my initial scenario if I am drunk?
Option 3 seems difficult to stand, my intellectual abilities are not available.
I decide to move to option 2. As I am drunk, I won’t struggle very long and I will sleep quickly (other alternative is to get sick). I will feel tired the next day, but no shame about masturbation.
 How it happens I become drunk? Was it planned?
It is a most probable case I need to study, about invitation for alcohol.
I put on the side for the moment. IT is now 5 weeks I did not drink any alcohol. On Saturday I went to a diner and I did not drink. Actually I accepted a champagne glasses but I did not drink, because I was busy when others people cheer up. I did not see any sense to drink alcohol without cheering. I had several little social event during last month. IT was not difficult to refuse, and actually I enjoyed the moment without alcohol. I refused 2 invitations for men’s party. I still need to clarify my identity against this issue.

I do not go out to socialize, this is not my core identity. Basically it is not unhealthy, but going out alone to a bar correspond to a compulsive pattern for me. I am in business trip to work. I can go bed earlier, wake up earlier, finish work earlier and take a day off after! This pattern is applicable to party with friends for the moment. I do not feel strong enough to attend a diner in a bar with friends and alcohol. So I avoid this situation.

 I am at work in a meeting. There is one guy do not recognize skills, I do not appreciate his work attitude. He starts to discuss a topic. I do not agree with what he say.
My big temptation is to demonstrate I am right and in same time to explicit I do not like the other person. This is insulant and I will feel bad after. Because, once emotion has left, I understand I act against my value
Define the situation
Define the context is a first way to evaluate the options:
 Am I responsible of the work?
 Is there a significant time constraint?
 Does the topic discussed will change anything on the result or the way to drive the problem sorting?
 Do I know well the person?
 Is he an internal or external people
 If external Do I know its organization?
 Are we able to have a clear communication (language)?
Let’s imagine the worst case:
I am responsible for the project, there is a time constraint, the topic discussed will have a significant impact on the result. I know the guy form previous working (bad) experiences. He does not belong to my company. I do not know very well their company value. The guy does not speak a good English.

Evaluate the option
o First option, is to obstinate myself in convincing people. I involve highly myself, It takes too much time, I become nervous. I finish by being stronger and stronger with resisting people. At the end I may have terrible anger.
Result is never positive for me: I feel tired, I feel shame, I feel guilt to behave this way, to peak to someone like I won’t stand someone speak to me. I will spend a lot of energy to repair in order to make the work move forward.
o Second option is to promote the responsibility of the other. I must not keep the pressure only on me. I must stop speaking, I must let to the guy the responsibility. Develop pure empathy. Listen and ask question. Basically it is more comfortable, and I act this way quite often, but big problem is about the time constraint. This is not completely acceptable form efficiency point of view, but it is emotionally healthier.
o Third option: leave. If the timing is not respected, increase the pressure by leaving :”I have made my job, if you need more time, call me when you are ready, good bye!”. It enables to let the stress going down and turn back to the questions here above. Of course I will have to turn back to this issue, but I will do it without emotion. I have did it several time. It is border line in term of image, but I feel comfortable to assume.

I will decide the second option in priority. I want to develop such skill to become a partcipative manager. It is an opportunity. As for sex compulsion, key is to create a break.


Lesson 58

Few comments about the situation given. They sound “familiar” to me.

Action Plan #1 : Your recovery is going well. Thoughts are slowing. Urges diminishing. Confidence and motivation is growing.
About common outcome n°1: I do not feel confident about my stress management yet. I have very positive and healthy life experience at the moment, but I know that I still protect myself a lot (no business trip, high involvement in my family…). I can maintain this and I am happy with it. But time may change, for example I know that I will have more business trip once I will go back france. I really hope (and I work for) to reinforce my stress management: weekly balance assessment, list risky situation and anticipate.
About outcome n°2: I did not keep safety net, and my return to France, will even procure me an extra fence. My partner is fully aware of my behaviors: people, place, lies... I did not keep secret to her, and I did not develop any secret recently. I am still afraid about kind of thought that may arrived, even if frequency and intensity really decreased.
Desired outcome: I am not always motivated for my exercise on recovery, but I can say I like and I assume what I am now. I am able to give every week several items, healthy, that make me feel proud of myself.

Action Plan #2: You find yourself actively engaged in a destructive behavior/pattern of behaviors
Common outcome: I told in my thread about my relpases (august 16th) and slip (September 24th). Each I felt exactly as described in the lesson.
Every time, I turned back to what I learnt. I described, using ritual description method, the behaviors and my emotional state. Each time I rebuild an actions plan, review my boundaries and to assume consequences.

Action Plan #3: You recognize that you are trying to talk yourself into engaging in risky behavior
It is a situation I assess previously. I will have to tunr back in a proactive and recative way in closed future. This is the most common situation I will face.
I notice, that in my decision making I still try to find a diversion. But at this stage I put the origin of the stimulation, for this scenario, coming from a boredom feeling
Action Plan #4: You are accused of/suspected of acting out by your partner, and while they can't prove it, you know that it is true
My wife has suspicion on me. Not really suspicion but she is easily triggered by what I could say, or situation I may live. I need to take care of her when I speak about a situation that can trigger her.
I did not lie to my partner, I did not hide anything since my full self-disclosure 2 month ago. since I have an absolute boundary about honesty to her, I can not imagine to not tell the truth. Experience showed me that I was wrong to maintain secret. Secret and lies hurt more both of us.
Action Plan #5:While you are not acting out, you recognize that your life is becoming increasingly stressed
The situation described corresponds to my BIGGEST FEAR. As I restart a new job, in a new country (even if it is my native country, I will be in a new place) with new life values and objectives. Yes I can say I am stressed.
Big difference is that I feel more confortabmle to share my stress:
 With my partner, by respect to her, I really want to express my emotion in their integrity. And I hope to build with her a solution
 With friends, I discovered it is good to share about my weaknesses and doubt, to have another point of view
 At work, anticipate possible situations with value conflict, prepare them in order to manage them with a high self esteem
I want to keep my stress/emotional balance monitoring, and a proactivity about risk of stress (and share with my partner)
One very typical sign for me is about insomnia. Once I am stressed I wake up very very early, and I am not able to have a full night. The anger frequency is a good sign as well.
Action Plan #6: You come across an unexpected trigger
This is day to day situation. My emotional awareness increased a lot recently. I am still triggered (with thought, temptation and fantasy), but I move forward more easily.
I will extend this concept of trigger to other compulsion like anger in professional situation.
Action Plan #7:You anticipate the presence of a known trigger in a future activity
If I can anticipate, I can work on it. I will prepare the event. Most probably I will share with my partner, explain how I see the situation and how I prepare myself.

Exercise.
The 5 rituals I can face in the coming month. I will develop later. I just highlight the tool I use to work on that issue:

 Unable to restore partnership with my wife…
o Generate stress in my life, hopeless feeling
o Actions: finish our work on Couple recovery, develop communication (time, space, listening),

 Unable to balance my life, to build pillars…
o Generate stress in my life and potential for relapse or unhealthy behaviors
o Actions: continue stress balance review, share about my stress level

 I am drunk at a men’s party…
o Generate guilt and shame, loss of trust from my partner, high risk of unhealthy sexual behaviors
o Actions: avoid for the moment, urge management, continue to work on my social alcholism issue

 I am alone at hotel during business trip…
o Generate guilt and shame,
o Actions: Anticipate and prepare such situation

 Last glass after business diner…
o Generate guilt and shame, loss of trust from my partner, high risk of unhealthy sexual behaviors
o Actions : Anticipate and prepare such situation, urge management

 An attractive colleague shows me interest…
o This case will generate a big stimulation, and a temptation to be border line. If I develop an affair, I will feel guilt and shame. I will feel bad about that secret, about betraying my partner
o Actions: role play for anticipation, urge management


Lesson 59

Develop awareness is already a skill. I do not blame myself if I can not create the break at earliest stage of the ritual. So I agree with the idea to describe an actions plan at every stage of the process:
 I am invited for a toast during a business diner
 During the diner the discuss is moving around sex (joke…) and party
 I start to be drunk, someone propose to have a last glass
 I am drunk, I am in a night club, I am very excited and stimulated by women around and music
 I am drunk, I am dancing, I notice an attractive woman looking at me, showing interest to me
 I am drunk, in a night club, I start to discuss with a women met on the dance floor
 …
It is strange while I am doing this I feel a kind of confusion inside me:
 >This is a very positive approach to consider I can move very far in the process, and better to be able to work on several fence than to relapse
 >In same time, I feel uncomfortable and unhealthy to think that I could move so far in the process (the past showed me it is possible). I feel guilt about that.
I completely understand “Preparing yourself for these expanded rituals is NOT intended to serve as a safety net for not fully taking responsibility for managing the early rituals”, and I consider this as a risk. I do not minimize this issue. This explain partially my relapse of last August.

Proaction: I must say my last “relapse” (alcoholic problem end of September) culd have been anticipated if I had prepared the event. Proactivity is part of my actions plan. There’are plenty of situation I can anticipate and for which I can prepare myself: business trip, period of time alone, social event, business diner… And this is something I discuss with my partner.

Postaction: I miss formalization about this topic. I need to think about it. For example last week:
 I have been invited to a diner with my family. I did not drink alchohol at all. I had good time, shared between activities with children and discuss with friends. It is positive, it is the first evening out since I had stop drink. I can behave differently without unconfort. I assume socialization is not part of my core identity. I like to share experience with others, but it takes time to discover ourself.
 I ran for 5 hours (trails of 30km in the mountain) with a friend: this event was planned for a long time, I actively prepared it to not disturb family program. I really enjoyed this moment, for myself and with a friend. The memories give me energy for several days
 I did incorrect communication to my wife, that generate trigger to her. It was negative. I have empathy but I do not express in a good way (I hide it). She suffered for reason I can understand and I suffer as well. For example the way I must communicate when I am travelling must be different. I must show my sincere regret (they are sincere actually)
A good system can generate improvement and correction of bad practices.

If I summarize my healthy system at the moment:
- A 6 month value based actions plan, fully shared with my partner
- A weekly review:
 Of my stress balance
 Of potential emotional risky situation
- A paper diary to summarize and to value my behaviors on day to day
- A communication ritual with my wife (upon couple recovery process for the moment), 1 to 2 time per week
- And of course all the skills I learnt I am developing:
 Rituals description
 Emotion awareness
 Decision making process


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2016 3:37 am 
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Lesson 60 – preventing slip

I have been very disturbed by the topic 2 “Prior to a spontaneous trigger”.
It is recommended, in order to learn, and train ourself, to develop fantasy with an healthy conculsion.
I can not say it is easy. What is difficult:

Until now when trigger happens, I implement a urge management.
I already explained that I still face 2 difficulties:
o Stop the ritual the earliest possible
o Lesson learning after decision making
I am still driven by the stimulation (even If I recognize progress, I am far to master this)
So last evening I read this lesson, I talk to my wife about this suggestion.
I went bed easily, but what I read disturbed me. I have a lack of self confidence to enter in this approach. By the way I ahd a very bad night, and I start to have a very sexual fantasy, involving affairs (very clear image about sexual behaviors).
I succeed to stop the excitation and to sleep, but not to have learn anything. Moreover I still feel that I can use this approach on purpose of complacency.
Honnestly is my best friend. But I believe in this suggestion, and I have to consider in my actions plan.

The second topic that interests me is about the content of the “schedule self assesment”. Since my last august relapse; I implement a weekly review of my emotional balance: about the past week, and what are the main risk (event, triggers) I can expect on the coming week. I monitor daily some sign about emotional imbalance: sleeping issue/insomnia, anger (at work), impatience (not in present time). I am used to share immediately with my wife when I face such sign, to try to understand (talk may help). This point 5 is already part of my actions plan, but the lesson gives a formalize content. I will reconsider for my actions plan. At the moment, this is the core of my system, as explained in previous lesson.

About Spontaneous triggers, I would like to explain my first try-out:

Trigger - HR assistant: what she will wear today?
I went 3 to 4 times to HR today, for work purpose, each time I forgot to look at this girl. She seat at her office.
So I can conclude that I am not seeking to be triggered by her (which is positive). She does not create fantasy. She is just a co-worker.
I am triggered (not today) if when I can see her totally: she walks in corridor, she stands up…
In this case, she starts to be like a sexual object.

Trigger - My body, exhibition
My body shape is quite correct for my age and my sport practices. Despite no practices of gym (I only ran), I am slim and my muscle are well shaped. It is purely subjective, but relatively to the world I live in, I can consider I am handsome man.
By the way, this morning (and only this morning) I understand that my own body was a source of fantasy. This morning, I was alone at home. I noticed my body in a mirror (actually the TV screen) and this stimulate me. I wanted to exhibit myself. I stop the ritual there, then I went for my shower. Once I was naked, I forget something to take in the room, and I decide to catch it without wearing anything. I continue to walk in the flat naked. I was a little bit excited, feeling good to feel a little aroused. Then I took my shower, I did not masturbate. Emotion fall down naturally.
It is the first time I notice such ritual. It is clearly compulsive. A ritual to describe and to continue to monitor. But most probably, the vision of my body is a trigger.

Trigger - Feeling excited, sexual fantasy
Regurlarly, before to feel asleep, or when I wake, I am excited, and sexual fantasy/image/thought easily come. The intensity decrease and I feel no frustration to interrupt/stop the ritual. By the way, I tried to generate voluntary a fantasy with sexual image. It created an urge situation. I did not feel confortable with that. Hopefully I had a healthy ending, decrease of intensity (despite remaining presence of image… strange, the image does not generate so much intensity… something else is balancing the emotion)
I admit the process is far to be easy, I feel guilt to generate this spontaneous trigger, because I am afraid to use it as stimulation. I confess my wife what I intend to do. By the way, it seems that there are several lesson learnt from this exercise. So I will continue to do with caution.

About the actions plan, I highlight the following topics!

Expected trigger
 My current actions plan (my “heatlthy system”) enable to identify and to work on expected triggers
 I completely integrate the fact to communicate about my plan, my role plan, with my partner
 Main risk is the minimization of the trigger, or the overestimation of my maturity. Fear, caution and doubt must remain (even if they are not the engine)

Spontaneous trigger
 Start slowly, with easy case, every day
 Caution to not generate stimulation (that what happen in August, I know the limit is not clear, my maturity is insufficient)
 I need to find a way to monitor, to be transparent…

Urge
 Opportunity to learn : break, emotion isolation, option, decision making, learning
 Continue role play.

Being “off-track”
 Focus on self assessment. Identify the sign of emotional imbalance.
 Continue to use recovery thread

On schedule
 I already implemented for 2 month a weekly self assessment
 I can take more attention to the signs, and secondary signs
 Weekly emotional balance to formalize : plus and minus
 Develop action plan: improvement (minus) and/or reinforcement (plus)

Sign of unhealthjy
 Problem to sleep
 Frequency of anger at work
 Lack of patience
 Concentration difficulties
 Easily aroused, frequence of erection
 Frustration feeling when I am excited


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 04, 2016 3:38 am 
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SLIP : 2016 /11/03

I am working on lesson about slip, and suddenly I understand that yesterday I slipped.

Let’s describe what happen:

- I am at home alone, I promise to help to prepare our move to France
- My wife told me to clean and sort different electronic devices and wires
- I found old phones.
- I notice my old I-phone I did not use for 7 month
- I am triggered: I wonder if I still have contact Inside (suspense)
- The battery is empty
- I decide to load the battery to check
- I load the battery and I turn on the phone
- I seek in contact
- I found that one of old number is still present in contact list
- I switch off the phone without removing the contact (guilt)
- I store back the phone in the pack
- I take the decision to take back this device
- I tell this decision to my wife without telling her about the phone number still in the device
- I forget about this incident

It is only this morning after reading the lesson 61 that I understodd that I just passed a slip (and not in a healthy way):
 It is a compulsive action (I remember now the suspense when I was checking if contact were in the list)
 I maintain a secret (I told my wife about sorting the devices, but not about my discovery)

If I would have been healthy, I should have decided to delete the contact. Later in the ritual, I should have been aware of this slip. But I did not!

I need ASAP to delete this contact, and I will tell to my wife. She will be disappointed about my lack of awareness and she will doubt about my sincerity and my maturity. But that is the truth of my state. So I have to confess.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2016 7:29 pm 
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I post few personal comments I did over the last 10 days... I am still seeking for more practical skill development.

05-11-2016 : SLIP – 2nd part
“the behavior didn't fit with the life that I choose to lead”
What happen then…
- The morning after I start to read the lesson about “managing slip”.
- The example given really surprised me. I would not have classified this as a slip
- I feel guilt for not having the same maturity
- Then it reminds me what happen yesterday when sorting the electronic device
- I decide this was a slip
- I wrote a description of the process
- I identified the emotion (suspense and at the end guilt)
- I identified why my behavior was compulsive
- I identified why my recation is not healthy and does not enable learning
- I identified consequence if this incident is known
- I decided to tell to my wife
- I told to my wife (by phone unfortunately)
- I did not deny and I show sincere regret

I will discuss again with my wife. In parallel she shared a “partner lesson” about forgivness. Interesting reading, complex process.
It was important for me to to give an healthy end to this slip.

Compare to a fantasy coming from, for example, an attractive girl in the street, I consider this incident as more serious. This phone number in my list is something real, corresponding to something I really do, to a person who really exist. It is the start of a romantic fantasy.

08-11-2016
Bad night, bad sign…
Since my slip, the communication with my wife has suffered. Actually, more than communicaton, the little intimacy we had started to recover has disappeared again. This is normal I must accept.
We came back to France. We work together to build our new life (search for a flat…)
Yesterday was not a very busy day. I notice each time I have a “lazy” day (because of my fault, I did not anticipate activity), I spend a bad night after. This something I can work on. I already identify previously, the boredom generate unbalance (stress…)

I took by the Motivators from First lesson. Which one help me until now:
I want to stop to lie to myself : YES
I want to build a balanced life : YES
I want to see my partner with love, not as mother or as playground partner : I still do not know what love mean? To develop a balance life with my partner is a motivation.
I want to look at women as a normal human being, and to stop to sexualize : develop a new and healthy vision about sex, I would reformalize this way. At this stage it is not an important motivation. I still struggle with fantasy. I still did not dicsuss my new sexual boundaries with a friend.
I want friend : This is not a powerful motivator at this stage. I would like to have healthy friendship, but I spent more time to avoid unhealthy friendship (related to alcohol)
I want to be a good father : YES
I want to be proud, I want to be proud because I express myself, because I assume my choice : YES

Interesting… I would like to redevelop vision form that.

November 16th
8 days I did not write anything about recovery.
I spent 9 days in France. The purpose was to prepare our return.
It was busy day. Positive because constructive, but not a big place to communication with my wife.
I did y 12 weeks blood DST test. Everything is negative.
The return to China was tough. The jetlag and a lot of negative trigger made my partner very sad.
I am uncomfortable as well.
I do not know how to take the latest exercise of recovery program.
I do not understand the advice about pro-activity.
I focus too much on abstinence and avoidance. I have the feeling that I do not refer enough in my decision making to my vision of life, my value. I fight to avoid relapse.

I read with attention till the lesson 66.

It gave me interesting thing to explore:
> Lesson 65 : I want to work on my vision. It is something I imagined, but I really think I have a problem around that My vision of life is still too much “all or nothing”: I feel bad, or I feel good. I think I do not have a clear vision

> Lesson 66 : The example with overeating was interesting. A positive and a healthy way to think about the consequences. What are the consequence to act in a healthy way… Again I need to refer to a vision.

So I fix myself 2 targets for the next coming days:
 Develop my vision, more practically, I am still too much "all or nothing"
 Apply this vision to expected and spontaneous triggers (lesson 66 + application on Lesson 61/62)

Recovery triggers instead of relapse triggers, that's what I would like to practically understand in the coming days.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2016 2:34 am 
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As explained in previous chat, I wanted to develop a bit more my vision. So during last few days I think around my last vision and what inspire me at the moment...

Latest vision was :
I want to taste, I am curious.
What?
Intellectually, intimacy, phyically, nature and landscape
Taste to feed my curiosity, to understand how does it work, to understand the mechanism of things, of emotions.
The pleasure to taste and discover, is my engine for life, that give sense to my life.

With who ?
With my partner, with my children, with my closed friends
To share my pleasure, my curiosity, to offer my enthusiasthm, to share my energy. To share boundaries, to learn, to understand from others point of view.
To love.

How ?
By being myself, by being proud of myself, by assuming who I am,
By protecting who I love, what I built, by giving priority to my duty
By feeding others with my dreams and vision

Key values?
Curiosity, play, pleasure, work, learn, understand, good mood, smile, health
Be proud of myself, do not lie to myself
Be protective


What give sense to my life ? What bring motivation, energy? Here are visions, short term, that support my life currently…

New year with family in the mountain : this vision bring a lot of sense for me. Of course there is a little bit of fantasy, but symbol are important. I organized an event for new year. A way to say we are together, we fought the storm, a way to thanks my family for their help over the last month, a way to cut definitively with China ++

Live next to forest : We have decided, with my wife, to live in a small city, in a middle of regional park. Even if this decision generates stress about how I will adapt my work, it gives a lot of sense to me to live in a healthy environment. I see myself enjoying the nature, the huge forest, alone, with my wife, my children or friends ++

Children happy with their new life, able to build friendship and achievement +: The fact to come back so quickly to France is disturbing for my children, who have developed strong friendship in China. I see myself helping, supporting them to redevelop their life in a new environment. This is my duty, in same time this vision bring a feeling of achievement : to be close to my children, to promote activities to enable socialization

My wife rebuilding herself + : January 3rd : we will be in France, I will be at my new work, and children at their new school. I think to my wife, she will have to start to rebuild from that point. This is really complex challenge, I can feel it. I see myself supporting her with care all she will try to reach personal achievement.

Hope on rebuilding life with my partner = : This vision is not source of energy as it was. The “Hope” become, step by step, actual project, that bring value to my life I think.

Hope to redevelop intimacy with my partner =: We have redevelop intimacy. It is a continuous process. It is not a goal, but a continuous process.

Opportunity to be proud of my self +: Until now, I took esteem from action only. Actually, the self esteem is more given by assuming the consequence of my decision and related behaviors. By the way, behave knowing the consequences, and according my value system.

New job, new intellectual challenge ++: I partially start, at distance, my new job. I speak a lot about my vision in my new job. I do not see myself as someone following the stream only, but as a captain, givng a direction. I am motivated by any kind of opportunity that will help to develop self esteem.

A long trial in the mountain ++: This is the most powerful vision I have. Currently It is the vision I can take immediately when I am struggle, and it is efficient. I will have to monitor a possible addiction to sport (actually it was one before)

Running in the forest, every week end +: It is healthy in a way that I see myself organizing life pillars around that : with friends (I plan to create a kind of “club” at work), with family..

Buy myself a bike +: I will live in a little town. An opportunity to use more bike. I will have to go to train station by bike.

Offer to my wife a travel to Canada + : I will do it, I start to check. I am a bit afraid of such attention. I will use other relatives, to keep the children and to organize week end with my wife. This is a vision of recovery, something I never organize, something I never care (even if I appreciate)

Professional recognition for my skills ++ : I have nearly finished m skill review. And it is very positive.it enables me to win confidence. And to imagine myself to be appreciated for my real skill. It is important for me to have a vision of my image refoundation. It balances the fact that I will not be anymore the party man.

Opprtunity to discuss with my best friend = : It is not a strong vision yet. It is a wish when I will be closer to him in France (currently we have a contact every month)

Reorganise our little countryside house = : I am motivated by this vision. That is my job. It is too early to enter very deeply in this project, but I qm sure it will provide long term achievement.


How I use my vision to generate “recovery trigger”? Just to share few triggers

I want to smoke  I can see myself having a long run in mountain
I start to fantasize, sexually, about a mistress  I see someone who does not match who I want to be
I start to speak to myself  I think about the thing I succeed
I want to masturbate  I think about intimacy with my wife, I think about health, I think about self esteem

I did not have urge during the last few days. My emotional balance is good.

This week end we organize a leaving party. 30 friends are invited. I need to prepare myself concerning alchohol consumption. I will face spontaneous trigger: we will propose me to drink, to drink too much, and I will want to accept to feel in the group... Moreover I need to explain to the men that I do not want to have a leaving party downtown...
I have prepared for this party, acticities: I am host, so I need to care the people, to support my wife, to make people confortable. I have planned many activities for kids (approx 15).
It will be an interesting experience, and I am motivated to live it healthily with achievement and without struggle.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 29, 2016 8:50 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
Lesson 68 – Anger and rage

It is several week I started to conisder the method I learnt with sex addiction to develop awareness about anger.

I have tried to identify anger situation, context and triggers.

This week end I have been taken 2 times by anger. In all case the consequences could have been terrible.

Case n°1 : While I was biking, a motorcycle arrived suddenly from my left side, bumped me and makes me fall. It hurts me a little bit (my leg), but nothing serious. I am in China I do not understand a word about what the guy said, but I become very angry and I threat him with my fist…

Case n°2: On the way bac k home with my family, I have an argue with a taxi driver that initially accepted to carry us and finally decide to negotiate the price. I become angry and very agressive to this driver in front of my family…

Why so much rage inside me. Why suddenly I forget any consequences, and I am just driven by anger, rage and potential violence.

So I want to develop a better awareness about this anger.

I would like to develop the case 2, first.

1. We are on our way back to home after cinema
2. I do not feel very confortable
a. Reason 1 : the cinema is in an area full of trigger for me and my wife. I feel guilt to be in this area. I want ot eascpa quickly, I think this generates a feeling of impatience.
b. Reason 2 : my wife does not speak too much after the movie. She seems not feeling good. This increase the wish to move out
c. Reason 3 : my son is sick, he starts a flu. I want to go home to let him rest.
d. Reason 4 : my younger daughter has been difficult during the movie. She was too young for the movie (better from 10 years old)
All these reasons generate a feeling of inconfort. At this stage, I only want to escape this place
I am already acting on emotion at this stage.
3. I decide to use a another path to go home, to avoid more trigger, in order to find a better balance
4. A taxi stopped and dropped a customer
5. I asked him where I want to go
6. The guy is not enthusiast (too short run for him it seems) but he says OK
7. I let my family sit in, I feel a satisfaction to go home quicker than expected
8. When we are satten, the guy announced a price instead of putting the meter
9. I do not believe it, I repeat the amount, one time, two, three times, more and more aggressive. I insult the guy.
10. I understand this situation is ridiculous, I feel shame to get angry in front of my children and my wife.
11. We all go out from taxi
12. Try another one, this time it is my wife who ask.
13. The result is the same, we decide to catch a bus instead
14. I feel guilt and shame about my attitude, but I do not speak about it.

Later my wife told me her worry to see me like that. She has the feeling I am like in a volcano for which we can not predict when it will erupt.
I am obliged to agree, and I understand the fear that can generate this attitude.

Not easy to work on anger.

As I have made for sexual triggers, I need to start by listing the situations that may generate anger. I started the following list recently for professional situations

Situations where I get angry easiliy

 When I do not recognize the skills of someone, I can easily get angry with any remarks from this person
 When I get the clue that my contact did not listen and or miss attention
 When I discover that my contact did not inform me about a misunderstanding or a disagreement
 When I discover my contact lie to me, or he is not consistent between saying and acting
 When there is too much discuss on a professional topic that I consider very easy
 When I feel impatient, I found a problem take too much time to be sorted

Behind these few elements, I see that I may have a « superiority feeling » :
 I do not recognize « intellectually » the personn in front of me..
 I think I could do better, quicker…

I know that intellectual recognition is part of my value system.

I won’t discuss if it is or not a good value, the fact is that in case of value conflict, I may easily get angry. So I need to anticipate. And I can anticipate…

But the emotional context is very important too. And the way I perceive these emotions.

At work I get easily angry when the context is stressful (let’s say there is an obligation to achieve a result). With the taxi driver, I perceive as an offense to me what he said, but most probably it is because of my emotional balance that I over-react.

Anger become at this stage like a urge, a way to evacuate an emotional imbalance.

What seems difficult, at this stage, with anger compare to compulsive sexual behavior is how quick the duration is.

I can now identify ritual that may be used to increase intensity and duration with sexual bahaviors, but for anger it is a bit different. Everything play in a short time. Intensity is very high but time is very very short. The peak is reached very quickly.

So basically, create the break for anger is not so easy in my point of view. I need to focus on emotional balance awareness.

To work on anger, I need:
 Improve my awareness of emotional balance
 Work on different kind of interaction where I am unconfortable

If I am not emotionally balanced and in a situation unconfortable, I may easily switch to anger to evacuate my stress.

A professional coach advised me, in case of anger, to find an immediate healthy support system, to evacuate the emotion, to turn back to present.

A last thing I have identified about anger, related to intensity. Let’s imagine I know I am going to face an annoying situation, for example I have a work to do absolutely to someone I really do not like and do not recognize for his skill. I have 2 way to live this kind of experience:
 Healthy: I know in advance it will be difficult, but I imagine different way to handle this solution…
 Unhealthy: I know in advance it will be difficult, and I imagine all the reason why I do not like the guy, and I imagine everything he will do against me…
Perception is everything. But when I am in the state of mind “healthy”, there is no anger, and the job is done.

Definitively, the emotional balance, as for sexual behavior, is a key to trigger the healthy or unhealthy perception.

In lesson 60 I listed the following sign of unhealthy:

Sign of unhealthjy
 Problem to sleep
 Frequency of anger at work
 Lack of patience
 Concentration difficulties
 Easily aroused, frequence of erection
 Frustration feeling when I am excited

A lot are related to Anger.

If I have to evaluate for this week, these criteria:
Sign of unhealthjy
 Problem to sleep : OK this week
 Frequency of anger at work : Not OK
 Lack of patience : could be better, void feeling
 Concentration difficulties : could be better
 Easily aroused, frequence of erection : OK
 Frustration feeling when I am excited : OK

Currently, I think my imbalance is mainly due to a void feeling. I am still on “all or nothing”. As I am in transition period in many topics (work, house…) I feel void sometime. Each time I have an activity I jump on it and involve myself a lot, in a compulsive way. In parallel, I develop a skill to find activities (for example think about Christmas present, read abut new technology on internet…). So it is an opportunity for development.

But I would lie if I would say that I am able to switch quickly from emotional balance to self developmenet opportunities.

On the last post, I spoke about a leaving party at home. We had a good time during all afternoon, I feel confortable. I failed to refuse the invitation from the others guys to plan a leaving party down town. I accepted, I did not find the courage to say no. So I will go. I will take one of the guy I appreciate a lot as a witness. And I am going to prepare actively this event. Very dangerous, I am afraid of course, but with a lot of Learning opportunity.

During this leaving party at home, friends offered to me and my wife as leaving present, a short stay in a spa/massage saloon. This present triggered me. Last relapse took place in a massage salon, and even if I did not experience that much, I know such place is very suspicious in China. So I have been triggered, I start to have thought about that, but I did not tell to my wife my inconfort. She asked me 2 days later, and I told her. She told me she does not want to go in such place with me. I understand and I accept. She will go with her friend. I feel guilt to not have tell her about my thought and emotion concerning this present.

As for the anger example at beginning of this post, I keep too much for me, my emotional issue. I think it is a problem, I think it is not healthy to act this way.

I want to restore better communication rituals with my wife.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 29, 2016 8:50 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
Lesson 68 – Anger and rage

It is several week I started to conisder the method I learnt with sex addiction to develop awareness about anger.

I have tried to identify anger situation, context and triggers.

This week end I have been taken 2 times by anger. In all case the consequences could have been terrible.

Case n°1 : While I was biking, a motorcycle arrived suddenly from my left side, bumped me and makes me fall. It hurts me a little bit (my leg), but nothing serious. I am in China I do not understand a word about what the guy said, but I become very angry and I threat him with my fist…

Case n°2: On the way bac k home with my family, I have an argue with a taxi driver that initially accepted to carry us and finally decide to negotiate the price. I become angry and very agressive to this driver in front of my family…

Why so much rage inside me. Why suddenly I forget any consequences, and I am just driven by anger, rage and potential violence.

So I want to develop a better awareness about this anger.

I would like to develop the case 2, first.

1. We are on our way back to home after cinema
2. I do not feel very confortable
a. Reason 1 : the cinema is in an area full of trigger for me and my wife. I feel guilt to be in this area. I want ot eascpa quickly, I think this generates a feeling of impatience.
b. Reason 2 : my wife does not speak too much after the movie. She seems not feeling good. This increase the wish to move out
c. Reason 3 : my son is sick, he starts a flu. I want to go home to let him rest.
d. Reason 4 : my younger daughter has been difficult during the movie. She was too young for the movie (better from 10 years old)
All these reasons generate a feeling of inconfort. At this stage, I only want to escape this place
I am already acting on emotion at this stage.
3. I decide to use a another path to go home, to avoid more trigger, in order to find a better balance
4. A taxi stopped and dropped a customer
5. I asked him where I want to go
6. The guy is not enthusiast (too short run for him it seems) but he says OK
7. I let my family sit in, I feel a satisfaction to go home quicker than expected
8. When we are satten, the guy announced a price instead of putting the meter
9. I do not believe it, I repeat the amount, one time, two, three times, more and more aggressive. I insult the guy.
10. I understand this situation is ridiculous, I feel shame to get angry in front of my children and my wife.
11. We all go out from taxi
12. Try another one, this time it is my wife who ask.
13. The result is the same, we decide to catch a bus instead
14. I feel guilt and shame about my attitude, but I do not speak about it.

Later my wife told me her worry to see me like that. She has the feeling I am like in a volcano for which we can not predict when it will erupt.
I am obliged to agree, and I understand the fear that can generate this attitude.

Not easy to work on anger.

As I have made for sexual triggers, I need to start by listing the situations that may generate anger. I started the following list recently for professional situations

Situations where I get angry easiliy

 When I do not recognize the skills of someone, I can easily get angry with any remarks from this person
 When I get the clue that my contact did not listen and or miss attention
 When I discover that my contact did not inform me about a misunderstanding or a disagreement
 When I discover my contact lie to me, or he is not consistent between saying and acting
 When there is too much discuss on a professional topic that I consider very easy
 When I feel impatient, I found a problem take too much time to be sorted

Behind these few elements, I see that I may have a « superiority feeling » :
 I do not recognize « intellectually » the personn in front of me..
 I think I could do better, quicker…

I know that intellectual recognition is part of my value system.

I won’t discuss if it is or not a good value, the fact is that in case of value conflict, I may easily get angry. So I need to anticipate. And I can anticipate…

But the emotional context is very important too. And the way I perceive these emotions.

At work I get easily angry when the context is stressful (let’s say there is an obligation to achieve a result). With the taxi driver, I perceive as an offense to me what he said, but most probably it is because of my emotional balance that I over-react.

Anger become at this stage like a urge, a way to evacuate an emotional imbalance.

What seems difficult, at this stage, with anger compare to compulsive sexual behavior is how quick the duration is.

I can now identify ritual that may be used to increase intensity and duration with sexual bahaviors, but for anger it is a bit different. Everything play in a short time. Intensity is very high but time is very very short. The peak is reached very quickly.

So basically, create the break for anger is not so easy in my point of view. I need to focus on emotional balance awareness.

To work on anger, I need:
 Improve my awareness of emotional balance
 Work on different kind of interaction where I am unconfortable

If I am not emotionally balanced and in a situation unconfortable, I may easily switch to anger to evacuate my stress.

A professional coach advised me, in case of anger, to find an immediate healthy support system, to evacuate the emotion, to turn back to present.

A last thing I have identified about anger, related to intensity. Let’s imagine I know I am going to face an annoying situation, for example I have a work to do absolutely to someone I really do not like and do not recognize for his skill. I have 2 way to live this kind of experience:
 Healthy: I know in advance it will be difficult, but I imagine different way to handle this solution…
 Unhealthy: I know in advance it will be difficult, and I imagine all the reason why I do not like the guy, and I imagine everything he will do against me…
Perception is everything. But when I am in the state of mind “healthy”, there is no anger, and the job is done.

Definitively, the emotional balance, as for sexual behavior, is a key to trigger the healthy or unhealthy perception.

In lesson 60 I listed the following sign of unhealthy:

Sign of unhealthjy
 Problem to sleep
 Frequency of anger at work
 Lack of patience
 Concentration difficulties
 Easily aroused, frequence of erection
 Frustration feeling when I am excited

A lot are related to Anger.

If I have to evaluate for this week, these criteria:
Sign of unhealthjy
 Problem to sleep : OK this week
 Frequency of anger at work : Not OK
 Lack of patience : could be better, void feeling
 Concentration difficulties : could be better
 Easily aroused, frequence of erection : OK
 Frustration feeling when I am excited : OK

Currently, I think my imbalance is mainly due to a void feeling. I am still on “all or nothing”. As I am in transition period in many topics (work, house…) I feel void sometime. Each time I have an activity I jump on it and involve myself a lot, in a compulsive way. In parallel, I develop a skill to find activities (for example think about Christmas present, read abut new technology on internet…). So it is an opportunity for development.

But I would lie if I would say that I am able to switch quickly from emotional balance to self developmenet opportunities.

On the last post, I spoke about a leaving party at home. We had a good time during all afternoon, I feel confortable. I failed to refuse the invitation from the others guys to plan a leaving party down town. I accepted, I did not find the courage to say no. So I will go. I will take one of the guy I appreciate a lot as a witness. And I am going to prepare actively this event. Very dangerous, I am afraid of course, but with a lot of Learning opportunity.

During this leaving party at home, friends offered to me and my wife as leaving present, a short stay in a spa/massage saloon. This present triggered me. Last relapse took place in a massage salon, and even if I did not experience that much, I know such place is very suspicious in China. So I have been triggered, I start to have thought about that, but I did not tell to my wife my inconfort. She asked me 2 days later, and I told her. She told me she does not want to go in such place with me. I understand and I accept. She will go with her friend. I feel guilt to not have tell her about my thought and emotion concerning this present.

As for the anger example at beginning of this post, I keep too much for me, my emotional issue. I think it is a problem, I think it is not healthy to act this way.

I want to restore better communication rituals with my wife.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 08, 2016 5:24 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
Dec 7th, 2016.

1 week before to leave definitively China, and to start a new life, a new adventure, with my family in France.

10 days ago I restore better communication with my wife. I communicate more formally about my emotional balance. I am satisfied to see that balance has been restored by this way.

My involvement in recovery lesson has decreased, I work in parallel to the last lesson of recovery and the lesson 3 of couple. Not always easy, but helpful to move on, to develop better understanding. But concept are still difficult to catch practically.

I wanted to do a little post about a source of stress.

I accepted the invitation for a leaving party from friends that will take place tomorrow night. I fear this event (I never behave healthily in such event) and I think it is an opportunity too (it could bring a lot of achievement to manage in a healthy way this party).

I prepared this event. I shared a lot with my wife.

> this party is an opportunity to confirm friendship with few people
> this party is an opportunity to learn and observe other men's behaviors, using my value system

> risk is about alcohol
> risk is about proposition to act in a way against my values or boundaries

I fixed my self clear boundaries about this party. For spontaneous triggers I have vision to switch (healthy event planned the next morning, image about my children and my wife).

I choosed someone to become my witness. One guy I really trust and I know he will have a very controlled alchohol consumption.

I will see my witness before the party. I ask him to meet before and I will explain me my alchoholic problem and my boundaries for this party.

I will just ask him, if he has the perception that I am going out of my boundaries, to ask me "how do you feel?".

Of course this is not very mature attitude from me, but I do not feel so comfortable in men's group, and I will feel better to have share my problem with someone I trust. Moreover it is a way to say my friendship to this person.

Tomorrow is an important event for me. A part of me still see this event as "all or nothing", and I must confess this is maybe why I prepared this event. But I will be proud to contribute to my perception change tomorrow and by the way to improve my life management.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 11, 2016 8:03 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
December 12th

I wanted to give a feedback about my previous post: "the leaving party".

I am satisfied about my behaviors that night.

As explained, I anticpated the event:
> I fixed boundaries and objectives and I shared with my wife : Enjoy this last parties with firends, do not come home in a state (drunk) that would disturb family activities during the week end, and most of all be faithfull to my wife (no discuss about sex, refuse to go in night club, KTV...)
> I choosed and I spoke with a witness before the party: it was a way to show my friendship to someone I really like, I just told him about my alchoholic problem, and my worried about the pressure of a group. I asked him to ask me "How are you?" each he would feel I am going maybe too far.

The party has been excellent and very funny. Very alchoholic too, but I manage the rythm, and stay "in touch", I never lost control (I have kept my awareness)

By the way, at the end of restaurant, as expected, I get a very high pressure from the group to continue the party in another place. I understood it was a KTV with hostess. And I refuse, I say I do not want to go. I was able to keep my position and express clearly my unconfort about going in a place where we will pay women to spend time with us...

So I let them go and I went back home (2 guys followed me). 2:00 in the morning, a little drunk, but very satisfied to have reach my target: I had a good time, but I ahve been able to take a position against a group, without being out of the group. And I handled all the planned activities without problem the day after.

I have seen few friends the day after, and no one complains about my behavior. I have made a step to leave "the all or nothing" principle.

By the way, I know that this kind of event is very dangerous and border line. Preparation is very important, and I am not going to run after such event in the coming weeks.

This week is the last week in China. 5 years of our life. 5 difficult years because of my addiction, but 5 years of life anyway. And for myself, my wife and my children, we know we will face a bit of sadness leaving friends. We know it is a Farewell to most of them, but we really hope to keep in touch with few of them. I think it will be the bigger emotion to manage this week, and for sure I will have to support my children.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2017 11:03 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
January 6th

10 days ago I relapsed during a business trip: i looked to porn on Internet and masturbated while alone in a Hotel room.

I minimized this issue, it took me 5 days to understand it was a relapse. I lied to myself for several day, which is really unhealthy (even more than the behavior itself).

I lied to my wife as well, I never told her. It was a clear boundary to her. I did not respect, just to protect myself. Now it is time for consequence.

Over last month I turned back to France and I have been very active to build the new life with my partner. I restarted my new job, and it is Ok. I have been a good support to my children to handle the change from China to France. Christmas has been the best one I never lived.

But in parallel I did not work too much on my recovery. I just assess superficially my emotional balance and I can say I really enter in complacency. I thought everything was behind me. I lied to myself, I minimised. I will have to answer the question: what do I try to maintain of this old life? And why?

I want to restart educational job on day to day: prepare event, seek for opportunities to develop skills, monitor complacency...

I want to fight for myself (I lost a lot of self esteem with this chain), my wife and my children. I love them.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 06, 2017 8:13 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
Relapse - analyzis

Boundary violation : I masturbated with looking to porn web site, in a hotel room during a business trip. I did not tell my wife about this issue. I lied to her when she asked the question.
 I behave in a way I do not feel confortable to tell to my wife, or in a way I would not like people to see me, or in a way I would not like my children behave
 I violate my wife boundary : no lie

I will use method described in lesson 62 to process this relapse.

Step one : freeze all activities related to compulsive rituls – OK

Step two : Where I am now – it took 5 days to me before to understand it was a big issue. It took 5 more days and a disclosure to say it was a relapse. I am now in the emotional storm, I did not sleep last night with a lot of confused thought. I decided to write in my hread. I decided to continue the fight and to not give up.

Step Three : Accept consequence – loss of trust from my wife, loss of self esteem and confidence… but I need to focus on what is wrong for the moment.

Step four : assess the ritual
 I am in business trip, alone in a hotel room.
 I am aware because I check that there is no porn channel. I feel better to see there is no such channel
 I connect my computer to finish a work. Internet is working well. I finish my work and I join a colleague for diner.
 In restaurant, I am seated in front of a TV screen. It is on music channel. For 2 hours I will see video clip. 100% have a sexual content.
 Even if the discuss is around professional topics, my thought are caught by video clip, and fantasy machine is starting (maybe I could look a sexy movie on internt at hotel?)
 The discuss is interesting with this colleague, and I drink beer. 4 beers as far as I remember.
 By the way after restaurant I am decided to look to erotic movie
 I search on internet something I do not find. So I level up to seek in harder and harder porn web site.
 In parallel I masturbate, handling time/intensity
 I ejaculate twice.
 I delete history (actually not completely)
 I feel guilt and shame the day after, but I very quickly put this behavior as an accident. I promise myself to prepare better my next trip to avoid such issue. I am not sure now that I am completely honest.
 I do not say what happened to my wife the next day
 For others reasons my wife detect my complacency attitude
 I try to avoid (to minimize) the discuss
 But I have a terrible nightmare and understand that my behavior is a very serious warning
 I start to review past lesson of my recovery process
 I do not know exactly how to restart
 My wife discover I looked to porn
 I lied and then I told her the truth
First of all, honnestley, I did not plan this ritual. I feel guilt and shame about that. I lied to protect my effort, my identity first of all, because I thought I could handle, it was just a accident, but actually when I lied I protect the addiction.
Clearly I understand now what does it mean complacency: emotionnaly awared but without decision making process
So first of all, I will review the decision making process, to fight against my complacency.
In this example some triggers are expected. I should have work, with my wife as witness on this topic.
Some of them are unexpected (like the sexy video clip in restaurant). I misunderstood complacency and seeking for skills development. It is the same mistake than last summer.

Step five: assess the motivation
> It was not planned, there was not premeditation
> the ritual is masturbation + porn, there are several decision that drive me to this riual. It can be considered as unhealthy
> Remorse was present, but with minimization. The fact that I lied to my wife is unhealthy. My wish to end such behavior has not been followed by a strong commitment (for example write in my recovery thread) and I really tried to hide the problem (first of all to myself)

Step six : what has failed in my life management strategy:
> Complacency: not take into account of my emotional awareness to develop healthy skills (in this example the sexy video clip, my alcohol consumption) > I need to review my work on triggers and slip prevention
> No preparation of expected trigger (The fact to be alone in hotel is a risky situation, I know it, I did not update my actions plan, I did not ingrain my actions plan) > I need to prepare very seriously such situation, until I did not ingrain the healthy answer
> Emotional balance assessed without integrity (if globally I feel good, so no need to move forward…) > I need to evaluate every pillars of my emotional balance. It is true that I really develop pillar, and it is true that they help me to balance my emotions, but unhealthy emotion must be analyzed and reported. I only tell my wife my global emotional balance, not my healthy status. > I need to review lesson about health monitoring, lesson 63, I really minimized this topic.

Step seven: accept the conséquences - to be discussed with my partner

Step eight : let it go “your goal is not to live a perfect life, it is to live a healthy, fulfilling life”
... I need to think about this sentence. that is roughly what my Partner said to me last night.

Next step is to develop actions plan after reviewing item listed in step 6:
> lesson about triggers and slip prevention, especially to catch the complacency
> work on expecte trigger, prepare, prepare, prepare...
> Review the failure of my health monitoring


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2017 2:04 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
10.01

Over the last 48hours what did I learn:

I have made a very big mistake by not respecting my partner healing contract. Following my behavior, I should have leave the house for 1 week, week end included.
The contract is here to avoid emotional eruption in case of slip or relapse. I did not respect my wife by my choice and I gave her more pain. My decision was stupid, because I was not able to think during the week end finally.
Why did I not respect this commitment:
 I do not respect rule, I consider rule as adjustable
 I think to my image first, before to protect my wife. In this case it could be my image to my children
 At the time it happens, I was afraid to be alone (but I honestly think it is due to my image)
I discussed last night with my best friend. He was chocked by the fact that I did not respect the commitment of the healing contract.
At this stage there are 2 things I can do:
 Give my full trust to my partner. I need to abandon my trust to her. I never abandon my trust. I trust only myself, I rely only on myself to et satisfaction. Rely completely totally on someone is something I can say I never experienced. I have to do. This is something I have never done.
 To see a specialist. I want to work on the origin of my addiction. Where does it come from this superiority feeling, this non respect of the rules, the fact to not rely on anyone? I think it comes from childhood. I would like to name it, I would like to understand what may I do about what the vision and the perception I ingrained from this period. I have started but I need help.

I read again the 4 lessons about the healthy monitoring system.
First of all, I must say I minimize the work and the monitoring for the last 6 weeks. Complacency came back quickly. Why? Because I meet success, because I rebuild a lot of other pillar, because I reached emotional confort, and by the way I decided I was in a good way. As usual, once I get emotional confort, I stop to focus on unhealthy behaviors, and I put my effort on preserving my image, lie becomes a natural consequence. Is it complacency?
I understood/learnt few others things:
 The goal of daily monitoring is to make a focus, to develop a particular skill. This skill can be decided because a expected trigger arrived, because the weekly monitoring showed complacency around 1 or several values, or because
 One goal of weekly monitoring is to evaluate the complacency. This require the absolute honestly from me, for every value I monitor.
 The skills are about life management skills, but I must consider that my problem is the sex addiction. I can develop skills by developing pillars, but I need to develop a healthy relation to sex.
 My previous values are still consistent and correspond to what I want to develop.

So for the last days, and the coming days I decided to focus on the value HONNESTY, and I will write honestly, without interpretation what I have in my mind.
 I do not know what to do with my wife, because I do not know how she will react. Basically I am afraid of her and by the way I do not trust her. I want to give her my trust, so I will start to tell her this fact. Naturally I tried to manipulate her.
 I thought a lot about the separation last night. I created delusional fantasy where I am going back to single life. This is fantasy, this is based on all or nothing principle. This risk trigger this emotion, this fantasy (a little bit like the fact to be alone at home during my addiction peak period). I do not want to separate from my family, but I need to consider this from couple point of view.
 I have been alone at hotel last night. This is still a trigger. I did not masturbate, I did not look to the TV channel or anything related to usual ritual. But this remain a trigger, and thought remains very present. I still have 2 nights at hotel this week to develop more skills and to be honest
 I am triggered each time I see seducing woman. Once located, I have like a GPS in mind. I monitor the complacency to be sure to never be complacent, but I let it go for the moment
 About lesson 3 of the couple healing process, I am unable to define a contract. This is terrible, I have value, but I can not fix a boundary. Boundary depends of the situation, the context and my history with the person.

Else, my new job bring me a lot of satisfaction, I miss a lot my children, and I feel sad for my wife, I feel guilt and shame to not bring her emotional confort.

11.01 : I am afraid to talk to my wife. Why… because I know I can not manipulate her at the moment. I can not anticipate the way she will react.

I want to assess with sincerity the following triggers
 When I think about separation, I have fantasy about single life…
 In the main street of my town there is a shop of very sexy woman underwear. When I go closer to this shop, I know I am triggered and I know I would like to have a look when I will cross the shop…
 I consider porn industry as something unhealthy, but I am afraid to discuss about it, and currently I would be aroused by looking to porn movie for example…

I will use method of lesson 57:

Trigger 1 : When I think about separation with my wife, I have fantasy about single life…
With my recent relapse the question about separation with my wife became important.
With my relapse, I should have leave the house for 1 week. I did not respect this commitment, which basically was not a good idea. But I did not respect because I am afraid to be alone. I am afraid to be alone because I am afraid of my thought.
Thinking about separation generate fantasy about what could be the life as single man.
I would like to explore the consequences, factually, of the separation in order to have an healthy answer to this fantasy.
 My time will be more programmed, with more constraint. I won’t choose the time I want to see the children
 I and my family will lose material comfort
 I will be alone most of my time, I do not have string social ability, my social life will be summarized to get drunk in a bar with unique objective to meet a woman
 I do not want to build my life with someone else than my wife
 My vision of myself as single man is unhealthy. It corresponds to a fantasy of myself 20 years ago.
 My family is not an obstacle to develop my values and pillars
If such fantasy I must cherish my values:
 I have a lovely children
 I am in love with my wife. I found her beautiful.
 I am healthy
 I am materially comfortable
 I have more freedom to develop pillar with my family because of the emotional confort they provide to me
Every time this trigger will happen I will think about consequences and my values.


Trigger 2 : The sexy woman underwear shop in main street
Basicaly I need to cross this shop everytimle I go down town for shopping. I walk in the street, and automatically, when I arrive 50 meters from the shop I am triggered by the knowledge I will pass in front of the shop, and by the fact I will want to have a quick look (less than 1 second) to the shop. In less than 1 second, when it is about sex trigger, I may memorize a lot of item. This is a short time, but clearly something compulsive.
I am aware of this. My complacency attitude is not to stop and to have a clear and frank look to the shop, but to escape very quickly, with a little shame about what I did or I intend to do.
I would like to stop to escape such trigger and to get an awwer from my value system. I want to see the fantasy as it is
 What kind of image of woman it represents: real life or fantasy?It represents fantasy :
 what kind of fantasy : healthy or unhealthy (domination, prostitution)
 This is very sexually aggressive and corresponds to porn image
 What would be the consequence to generate a sexual fantasy about such image : relapse with associated consequence
 Is it an image of woman I want to have from my wife: no
 Do I love my wife: yes
 Do I find the woman of the advert seducing and sexy? Yes
 Would I like to do my life with her? No
 Do I am satisfied of my current life? yes
I will go to see this shop next week end.

12.01

Last night, long discuss with my wife about triggers 1 & 2.

I assume my selfish motivation to not break and to not separate our relationship: “I do not want to develop an intimate relation with another woman, and my current life is the one that offer me the best opportunities to develop my values and build balanced pillars. I do not want to break it”. This is selfish and it does not refer to true love I think, I feel, but this is factual and can be opposed to my fantasy about single life. I will monitor if it is an efficient way to create a break and to avoid complacency. I used this method with cigarette with success for the last 4 month: “My life without smoking is the best way to find pleasure when I practice run and long trail”.

Concerning the other sexual trigger, I continued to think this morning, and it was not yet so efficient. Still excitation to think about sexy image and urge for masturbation I quit easily, but I am not satisfyied.

I continue my monitoring about honesty. I have made a mistake today. I have made a sexist joke this afternoon at work about a gay bar. I regret this joke, it makes me inconfortable. I did the joke to maintain a strong and machist image.

I am still not confident to speak with my wife. I am afraid about what she think about me. She knows the real me, I still feel like a children. I want to become adult. I want to trust her. She still listen and talk to me.

She sent me a text from recover nation healing process, about “dishonesty”. “Poor communication skills will cause problems in your relationship; dishonesty will destroy that relationship.” I understand why.

Trigger 2 : The sexy woman underwear shop in main street
I think again about this trigger, with sincerity, and I had image of sexy underwear and then image about past affairs. I stopped immediately the ritual, I escaped, full of shame and guilt. This is not successful experience.
What did I see: sex situation including sexy underwear.
This is a very powerful image. It is similar image than the one in porn movie.
This trigger refer to porn image and fantasy.
I see myself as a porn actor: sexual position, decorum, domination, achievement, orgasm, visual
The visual is the factor to develop intensity: vision about the sexual act, the underwear, about myself
Visual is a significant element in my addiction.
This is a fantasy but feed with actual situation! I can not oppose only fact to this fantasy, because it really happens.
Do I want to make love as a porn actor:
Despite I discover a new way to make love, I still fantasize about my performance when I was addicted.
The fact that I am not anymore a porn actor, the fact I make love differently (with pleasure) but very far from the performer I was, I feel empty in a sense.
This week I had a long phone call with my best friend. I told him about the current situation (with honesty) and I use this opportunity to start to develop about sexual boundaries as worked in lesson 39.
First conclusion : I am not abnormal about my fantasy. But I have clearly unassumed complex about performance. I need to pass tought.
This is very confused, but I want to explore my thought with sincerity.
For the moment, until I found better, I will consider this fantasy corresponds to a life I do not want. I recognize I am excited by such situation. I recognized it corresponds to past unhealthy behaviors. My life enables me to satisfy my value and personal development objectives, to offer me long term confort.

Trigger 3 : My fear about porn
What is porn industry. I read a lot about that:
 This is not natural love
 Perfrmance are filmed in several cut
 Such performance generate pain for both partner (I can confirm)
 This highly related to drug
 This is like a drug
 This deform my vision
But I am triggered by pron image, situation…
I am not strong enough in term of value, to use the pervious element as a countermeasure when trigger happen.
I will use the same as trigger 2:
Once I am triggered, I recognize my perception of emotion is, in big proportion, due to pron image I have ingrained. Virtually or actually.
Virtually I ingrained such situation with repetitive and secret masturbation session. I isolate myself in toilet, instead of having a valuable activity with my relatives. I ingrained such image with compulsive and repetitive masturbation session every time I was alone, or free of any duty. I ingrained perception that pollute now my thought and which represents high risk to lose my life.
Actually I ingrained such perception with prostitution or un-sincere affairs. I use these affairs as a revenge on my pre adult life, full of loneliness and sexual complex. I lied to myself when I was teenager about my complex, but I feed inside me a superiority complex. Masturbation and porn ingrained such perception. Once I feel myself confident to seduce, I seek opportunity to take a revenge about my pre adult period. I am an adult now, I want to act as an adult. I do not want other life, I do not want to develop a relation with any other woman than my wife. I recognize I am triggered by seducing woman (criteria? Context?), I recognized it brings pron image I ingrained, but my current life is the one I chose, the one I trust to offer me the best way to develop myself.

13.01
I went back home last night after 1 week of imposed business trip. We discussed with my wife. I describe honestly my trigger (without the “dirty” details) to not hide my actual healthy status.
She asked me to nt join her and the children for a family party this week end. I will stay alone from Saturday midday to Sunday afternoon.
This time I accept the decision. During night, this situation triggers many image:
 Myself alone going out to bars
 Myself discussing with our single neighbors
On afternoon we had a long and peaceful discussion. A kind of review of what I learnt this week.
I told her the triggers generated by the fact to stay alone this week end.
I took appointment with a psychotherapist, focus on sex issue. Now that I am in my country I can get more easily help. I expect from the psycho to be able to detail my sexual image and sexual boundary. I can not do in very detail with my wife or friends without taking the risk to hurt them. I think I want to be able to tell the detail of the image I have in my mind. My wife fund the address of this psycho. Maybe I will work on others topics, especially the emotion management, the ability to create the break in case of urge, but my priority is to get support about all the noisy sexy image in my mind.

14.01
Last night we have been invited by neighboor. Maybe future friends. The evening was nice and peaceful. This morning asked me if I have been triggered by one of the women present. Honnestly no. I feel confortable and the context of the diner did not generate any triggers. I could have been triggered by women, but because of context nothing came. Triggers are really related to perception.
By the way I did not sleep that good. I was excited with sex image when I woke up. I did not try to escape immediately and I observe the image without complacency. I could not say I was able to oppose healthy and valuable image. I finally woke up and I prepare the breakfast. I told to my wife.
We have a good discuss this morning before she leave. Communication is restored.
The work, the monitoring, on honestly is helpful and maybe efficient. I keep awareness.
This afternoon I was alone. I had spare time, that I use to share between duty (repair, cleaning, shopping) and personal pleasure (I ran for 2 hours in the forest). Many triggers when I walk in the street.
For the moment, I accept these triggers, I do not want to put pressure to find a solution. I want to restore awareness and honesty. I do not give big importance to these triggers(there are not urge behind) but they reflect my health. So I need to keep this level of awareness. And by the way I am still globally unhealthy.
I will continue to monitor the honesty all the week.

About weekly monitoring, I will not qualify my situation with average. Stop to say I feel globally good. My balance at the moment is not that bad (due to my different pillars), but concerning sexual addiction, triggers are still very present.
Next week, I keep my focus on honnesty (with myself) and on improvng communication with my wife (to trust her, tell her the truth, tell her clearly, tell her with care).
My new job give a lot of sense to my life. I will continue to invlve myself in developping this new function. The fact to work at home at least once a week, is a big motivator. I give value to the moment I share with my kids and offer me opportunity for personal development.
We will go to Italy for the week end with my wife (it was my Christmas present). I will do my best to give sense to this trip.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 13, 2017 4:02 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
13.02

It is now one month since the last post.

I continued my daily monitoring with a strong focus on triggers and honnesty.

I have tried to work on better understanding about my emotion : for every trigger, I describe the way I feel physically, I tried to make a better description of the emotion (in my mother tongue) and I describe the image, the thought I have in mind.

I sliped once last week: during a business trip, I had a diner with colleague and I drunk too much (nobody obliged me to do, there were no pressure). I masturbate once at hotel (without porn). I told my wife the morning after. Again I forget about myself, and by the way about the one I love. I runied my effort.

We continued our separation with my wife. We spent our week end together with the children, but we do not sleep in the same bed. We continue our daily discuss.

Globally I feel really confused these days:

> Since I commit to absolute honnesty I have the feeling that triggers are more powerful than ever: it does not generate an urge, but I feel clearly the emotion (feeling + thought).
few example:
- I am seated in front of an attractive woman in the train. I notice her. I feel my heart is beating stronger, I feel the excitment to be noticed by her. This emotion bring me a lot of thought related to seduction and narcissism
- I am triggered sexually, while the thought of porn situation (imagined or lived), my heart, my muscle become relaxed, a feeling very similar to love making
I did not suffer very important urge during this period, but a very important pollution.
I am still fighting against addiction. I am not at the stage of beign able to accept these emotions and to be able to oppose a positive image (every thing I build, I save by avoiding to behave this way...)

> The presence of these emotions makes me sad, makes me feel angry, makes me feel guilt and despair.
These "negative" emotions are heavy. I cried more often (several time per week).

> Until compulsive emotions are so much present, I feel not confortable to commit more with my wife. I want to restore intimacy with her, but I do not trust myself yet. I am still very afraid about my emotions.

> the communication with my wife is still difficult. I can feel I still do not trust her, fully.

> in many situation I can see my ego is very important. I think to myself first. Considering this personal characteristic, separation is still a good option because I really act for myself. I decide because I want to recover for myself.

But I will continue to move forward. I am triggered but I know the life I want. I am triggered, I sliped, but I have been honnest with myself and with my wife. I am triggered more than ever and I know moment of sadness and guilt stronger than ever, but I will move forward.

In the next coming week I will continue the daily monitoring, to develop the following skills
- monitor the absolute honnesty, by listing the triggers
- communication with my wife
- emotions description


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 14, 2017 4:36 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
Tonight is valentine's day, and I am alone in my hotel room.
I read tonight many post on RN. I must confess I used very little the forum and I did not read that much other thread.
That touched me to read other experience, other pain, other success, other slip or relapse.
I read to finish a very good post from Kenzo about the review of his early objective. He said he kept shame and guilt, and he used them for positive.
I think I only start to understand what does it mean recently. The guilt and shame are an heavy burden, but I cherish them today, to enable me to be honnest, but not perfect, and to at least stop to give pain to my family.
Today is valentine day, and my first thought was for my wife, I wished her to have nice thought today. I promised to do the same, today, to ot forget the shame and guilt, but to see the beauty, to see what is positive.
And I enjoy a running session early morning in fresh air, I enjoy to hear the voice of my wife by phone, I enjoy to hear her thanks about my valentine's attention, I enjoy the attention I gave to my work. of course I suffered triggers (advert about women sexy underwear every where in the street during this valentine's day period ahah) and it occurs a significant sexual thought that I had to stop violently. Of course I saw myself taken my a small emotion while crossing unknown women in the street. I saw myself still attracted by the fact to be noticed by an unknown woman. These was short but significant event, that generate guilt and shame. But I saw myself able to appreciate health.
It was a helpful day, I continued to be honnest, and redevlop self esteem.
Thanks to RN too!


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2017 11:46 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
Sharing experiences about lesson 66 – recovery triggers

I read the L66 to self assess my current approach about triggers.

I underline few sentences:
Over time, with such an approach, a sort of dependency sets in...where the person becomes hypersensitive to sexual triggers. They develop a tendency to over-react to normal life stimuli through avoidance, paranoia, anxiety and other signs of irrationality. Eventually...this overreaction comes full circle...and rather than the initial trigger producing the 'fight or flight' response it once did...it instead creates emotions that drain the individual's emotional reserves: anxiety, stress, anger — these are but a few. Then, the day comes where the person just doesn't have the strength to fight the urges 'triggered' by the stimuli...and relapse occurs. A pattern that reinforces the notion that they are permanently damaged, and will always be so.
The fight that these people need to take on, is not with the triggers, but with their own minds.

a trigger isn't a battle that needs to be fought — it is an awareness that needs to be developed.


If I give my current status, where am I currently:
 I am hyper sensitive to trigger at the moment
 This is something I really maintain to develop emotional awaraness and verify my sincerity
 I overreact against these triggers, and I am aware that in most of case I fight
 Knowing that, I report on a notebook every big emotional change I had during the day
 I first focused on unhealthy sexual triggers, now I enlarge to others emotions, sadness, guilt and anger
 I recently discovered that I have a psychologic issue: I am alexithymic personality
 Roughly it means that I have an inability to identify and describe my emotion.
 By the way emotional awareness is deficient for me, and this is not consequence of the addiction.
 By maintaining a high focus on trigger and related emotion, I try to develop a skill about emotion awareness and description
 What did I understand: when I am triggered, I have a strong emotional state change. I can not describe immediately the emotion, and in most of the case I am going to deal with thought in parallel, but I am aware of a body feeling. The change of emotional state is linked with a change body sensation: breathing, heart beating…
 For every trigger, once I turn back to a normal emotion stage I note the following: what was the situation that triggered me, and why, What did I feel, and what did I think?
 At this stage, every trigger remains a fight
 In most of the case, I do not think I face the trigger event, emotion, feeling and image using my value system
 But I do not see trigger as an external aggression. I completely understand and accept that trigger is my perception. It is due to the emotions I associated with different event.
 I fully agree that I am like a Pavlov dog that need to be re-educated.
 I feel this reeducation is not enough based on my value system current
 Are my values sinceres? I will have to work on it.
 If I take another example about cigarette: I stopped smoking 5 month ago. I still want to smoke. There is situation where this wish is like an urge (while drinking alchohol, or between smokers). But I succeed “easily” to not relapse. When I want to smoke, I think about all the benefit of my life without smoking (I see my self running in the mountain) and it is enough to break the urge. No fight, but an healthy decision. And I do not have an unhealthy sport practice on the other hand. Most probably I will continue to have triggers for the rest of my life, but I accept and I feel able to manage it in a healthy way.
 I am far to be at this stage for unhealthy sexual triggers. I am far to be able to use in a positive way my guilt emotion as well.

Recognizing and managing triggers in a healthy way is a skill that can be developed by anyone. It requires emotional awareness, decision making, understanding perceptions and a clear sense of personal values — which are all things that can be developed by anyone with enough sincerity to put forth the effort to do so.


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