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PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2017 3:22 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
This week end we had a little physical intimacy with my wife withe few cuddles and hugs. We even kiss each other once.
These wre wonderful moment.
Guilt was really present too. We shared again the same bed, and the first night I get excited. This sensation made me feel really guilt. I had porn thought. The second night I had the same sensation but without the same image.
We had opportunity to discuss and express our point of view. I feel despair to not be able to express my love. I feel despair to not be able to tell if I loved her in the past. My current emotional awareness makes me see the past with a lot of guilt.
I am aware not everything need to be throw away, but I can not contest that addiction has been part of me since the beginning.
One story that happend this week end. We were re-arranging our house, and I had to move boxes full of old pictures album. These pictures (I did not look yet) remind me that there are no photo of my self where I could say : "there I was not sex addicted". I have always been sex addicted. I have always used complusive sex (masturbation). This is absolutely terrible. I told my wife to not open without me these cartons. I would to be with her and with the children when we will open and look at them. This is my story story, our story with my wife, and their history for my children (most of pictures are prior to their birth).
This is terrible to not be able to say someone we love, I love you because of the past. She still wants to know about the past. More awareness I develop more terrible is the way I see my past behaviors.
She is afraid that I am still hiding something.
I do not hide any behavior. But I did not reveal fully myself as far as I am still not able to express my true feeling.
Express my true self, why it is so difficult to me.
On last post I told that I discovered that I was alixethimic. While working on my personality I discovered as well that I am afraid from "abandon" (I miss emotional attention), I miss autonomy, I cultivate the performance, I have an important egocentrism and I can lose easily my temper. Everything seem to come from a lack of emotional attention, and in parallel a lack of boundaries when I was children. I globally agree on this.
It is not an excuse, but it is helpful for me to understand my very egoist vision and my lack of empathy.
More aware I am, more I discover skills I miss.
This is sincerely fascinating, I really appreciate to discover new emotion, or let invade me, and learn to manage them.
But this is far to be natural, it requires a constant attention.

... I write this post and I see that I only speak about me, and I forget to think about my wife. That was originally why I wrote! It confirms my egocentrism!

We are able to communicate currently. She asks questions, and I do not have answer or good answer. I do my best to listen to her. I miss empathy. She has many ore reason than me to feel despair: she lost what she believed in and she has so many pillar to build. It is not her fault but I understand why she is ashamed. I understand and I share her pain. I love her, I want to cherish her, I want to protect her. I love her.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2017 3:22 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
This week end we had a little physical intimacy with my wife withe few cuddles and hugs. We even kiss each other once.
These wre wonderful moment.
Guilt was really present too. We shared again the same bed, and the first night I get excited. This sensation made me feel really guilt. I had porn thought. The second night I had the same sensation but without the same image.
We had opportunity to discuss and express our point of view. I feel despair to not be able to express my love. I feel despair to not be able to tell if I loved her in the past. My current emotional awareness makes me see the past with a lot of guilt.
I am aware not everything need to be throw away, but I can not contest that addiction has been part of me since the beginning.
One story that happend this week end. We were re-arranging our house, and I had to move boxes full of old pictures album. These pictures (I did not look yet) remind me that there are no photo of my self where I could say : "there I was not sex addicted". I have always been sex addicted. I have always used complusive sex (masturbation). This is absolutely terrible. I told my wife to not open without me these cartons. I would to be with her and with the children when we will open and look at them. This is my story story, our story with my wife, and their history for my children (most of pictures are prior to their birth).
This is terrible to not be able to say someone we love, I love you because of the past. She still wants to know about the past. More awareness I develop more terrible is the way I see my past behaviors.
She is afraid that I am still hiding something.
I do not hide any behavior. But I did not reveal fully myself as far as I am still not able to express my true feeling.
Express my true self, why it is so difficult to me.
On last post I told that I discovered that I was alixethimic. While working on my personality I discovered as well that I am afraid from "abandon" (I miss emotional attention), I miss autonomy, I cultivate the performance, I have an important egocentrism and I can lose easily my temper. Everything seem to come from a lack of emotional attention, and in parallel a lack of boundaries when I was children. I globally agree on this.
It is not an excuse, but it is helpful for me to understand my very egoist vision and my lack of empathy.
More aware I am, more I discover skills I miss.
This is sincerely fascinating, I really appreciate to discover new emotion, or let invade me, and learn to manage them.
But this is far to be natural, it requires a constant attention.

... I write this post and I see that I only speak about me, and I forget to think about my wife. That was originally why I wrote! It confirms my egocentrism!

We are able to communicate currently. She asks questions, and I do not have answer or good answer. I do my best to listen to her. I miss empathy. She has many ore reason than me to feel despair: she lost what she believed in and she has so many pillar to build. It is not her fault but I understand why she is ashamed. I understand and I share her pain. I love her, I want to cherish her, I want to protect her. I love her.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2017 3:22 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
This week end we had a little physical intimacy with my wife withe few cuddles and hugs. We even kiss each other once.
These wre wonderful moment.
Guilt was really present too. We shared again the same bed, and the first night I get excited. This sensation made me feel really guilt. I had porn thought. The second night I had the same sensation but without the same image.
We had opportunity to discuss and express our point of view. I feel despair to not be able to express my love. I feel despair to not be able to tell if I loved her in the past. My current emotional awareness makes me see the past with a lot of guilt.
I am aware not everything need to be throw away, but I can not contest that addiction has been part of me since the beginning.
One story that happend this week end. We were re-arranging our house, and I had to move boxes full of old pictures album. These pictures (I did not look yet) remind me that there are no photo of my self where I could say : "there I was not sex addicted". I have always been sex addicted. I have always used complusive sex (masturbation). This is absolutely terrible. I told my wife to not open without me these cartons. I would to be with her and with the children when we will open and look at them. This is my story story, our story with my wife, and their history for my children (most of pictures are prior to their birth).
This is terrible to not be able to say someone we love, I love you because of the past. She still wants to know about the past. More awareness I develop more terrible is the way I see my past behaviors.
She is afraid that I am still hiding something.
I do not hide any behavior. But I did not reveal fully myself as far as I am still not able to express my true feeling.
Express my true self, why it is so difficult to me.
On last post I told that I discovered that I was alixethimic. While working on my personality I discovered as well that I am afraid from "abandon" (I miss emotional attention), I miss autonomy, I cultivate the performance, I have an important egocentrism and I can lose easily my temper. Everything seem to come from a lack of emotional attention, and in parallel a lack of boundaries when I was children. I globally agree on this.
It is not an excuse, but it is helpful for me to understand my very egoist vision and my lack of empathy.
More aware I am, more I discover skills I miss.
This is sincerely fascinating, I really appreciate to discover new emotion, or let invade me, and learn to manage them.
But this is far to be natural, it requires a constant attention.

... I write this post and I see that I only speak about me, and I forget to think about my wife. That was originally why I wrote! It confirms my egocentrism!

We are able to communicate currently. She asks questions, and I do not have answer or good answer. I do my best to listen to her. I miss empathy. She has many ore reason than me to feel despair: she lost what she believed in and she has so many pillar to build. It is not her fault but I understand why she is ashamed. I understand and I share her pain. I love her, I want to cherish her, I want to protect her. I love her.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2017 3:22 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
This week end we had a little physical intimacy with my wife withe few cuddles and hugs. We even kiss each other once.
These wre wonderful moment.
Guilt was really present too. We shared again the same bed, and the first night I get excited. This sensation made me feel really guilt. I had porn thought. The second night I had the same sensation but without the same image.
We had opportunity to discuss and express our point of view. I feel despair to not be able to express my love. I feel despair to not be able to tell if I loved her in the past. My current emotional awareness makes me see the past with a lot of guilt.
I am aware not everything need to be throw away, but I can not contest that addiction has been part of me since the beginning.
One story that happend this week end. We were re-arranging our house, and I had to move boxes full of old pictures album. These pictures (I did not look yet) remind me that there are no photo of my self where I could say : "there I was not sex addicted". I have always been sex addicted. I have always used complusive sex (masturbation). This is absolutely terrible. I told my wife to not open without me these cartons. I would to be with her and with the children when we will open and look at them. This is my story story, our story with my wife, and their history for my children (most of pictures are prior to their birth).
This is terrible to not be able to say someone we love, I love you because of the past. She still wants to know about the past. More awareness I develop more terrible is the way I see my past behaviors.
She is afraid that I am still hiding something.
I do not hide any behavior. But I did not reveal fully myself as far as I am still not able to express my true feeling.
Express my true self, why it is so difficult to me.
On last post I told that I discovered that I was alixethimic. While working on my personality I discovered as well that I am afraid from "abandon" (I miss emotional attention), I miss autonomy, I cultivate the performance, I have an important egocentrism and I can lose easily my temper. Everything seem to come from a lack of emotional attention, and in parallel a lack of boundaries when I was children. I globally agree on this.
It is not an excuse, but it is helpful for me to understand my very egoist vision and my lack of empathy.
More aware I am, more I discover skills I miss.
This is sincerely fascinating, I really appreciate to discover new emotion, or let invade me, and learn to manage them.
But this is far to be natural, it requires a constant attention.

... I write this post and I see that I only speak about me, and I forget to think about my wife. That was originally why I wrote! It confirms my egocentrism!

We are able to communicate currently. She asks questions, and I do not have answer or good answer. I do my best to listen to her. I miss empathy. She has many ore reason than me to feel despair: she lost what she believed in and she has so many pillar to build. It is not her fault but I understand why she is ashamed. I understand and I share her pain. I love her, I want to cherish her, I want to protect her. I love her.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2017 3:22 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
This week end we had a little physical intimacy with my wife withe few cuddles and hugs. We even kiss each other once.
These wre wonderful moment.
Guilt was really present too. We shared again the same bed, and the first night I get excited. This sensation made me feel really guilt. I had porn thought. The second night I had the same sensation but without the same image.
We had opportunity to discuss and express our point of view. I feel despair to not be able to express my love. I feel despair to not be able to tell if I loved her in the past. My current emotional awareness makes me see the past with a lot of guilt.
I am aware not everything need to be throw away, but I can not contest that addiction has been part of me since the beginning.
One story that happend this week end. We were re-arranging our house, and I had to move boxes full of old pictures album. These pictures (I did not look yet) remind me that there are no photo of my self where I could say : "there I was not sex addicted". I have always been sex addicted. I have always used complusive sex (masturbation). This is absolutely terrible. I told my wife to not open without me these cartons. I would to be with her and with the children when we will open and look at them. This is my story story, our story with my wife, and their history for my children (most of pictures are prior to their birth).
This is terrible to not be able to say someone we love, I love you because of the past. She still wants to know about the past. More awareness I develop more terrible is the way I see my past behaviors.
She is afraid that I am still hiding something.
I do not hide any behavior. But I did not reveal fully myself as far as I am still not able to express my true feeling.
Express my true self, why it is so difficult to me.
On last post I told that I discovered that I was alixethimic. While working on my personality I discovered as well that I am afraid from "abandon" (I miss emotional attention), I miss autonomy, I cultivate the performance, I have an important egocentrism and I can lose easily my temper. Everything seem to come from a lack of emotional attention, and in parallel a lack of boundaries when I was children. I globally agree on this.
It is not an excuse, but it is helpful for me to understand my very egoist vision and my lack of empathy.
More aware I am, more I discover skills I miss.
This is sincerely fascinating, I really appreciate to discover new emotion, or let invade me, and learn to manage them.
But this is far to be natural, it requires a constant attention.

... I write this post and I see that I only speak about me, and I forget to think about my wife. That was originally why I wrote! It confirms my egocentrism!

We are able to communicate currently. She asks questions, and I do not have answer or good answer. I do my best to listen to her. I miss empathy. She has many ore reason than me to feel despair: she lost what she believed in and she has so many pillar to build. It is not her fault but I understand why she is ashamed. I understand and I share her pain. I love her, I want to cherish her, I want to protect her. I love her.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2017 3:22 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
This week end we had a little physical intimacy with my wife withe few cuddles and hugs. We even kiss each other once.
These wre wonderful moment.
Guilt was really present too. We shared again the same bed, and the first night I get excited. This sensation made me feel really guilt. I had porn thought. The second night I had the same sensation but without the same image.
We had opportunity to discuss and express our point of view. I feel despair to not be able to express my love. I feel despair to not be able to tell if I loved her in the past. My current emotional awareness makes me see the past with a lot of guilt.
I am aware not everything need to be throw away, but I can not contest that addiction has been part of me since the beginning.
One story that happend this week end. We were re-arranging our house, and I had to move boxes full of old pictures album. These pictures (I did not look yet) remind me that there are no photo of my self where I could say : "there I was not sex addicted". I have always been sex addicted. I have always used complusive sex (masturbation). This is absolutely terrible. I told my wife to not open without me these cartons. I would to be with her and with the children when we will open and look at them. This is my story story, our story with my wife, and their history for my children (most of pictures are prior to their birth).
This is terrible to not be able to say someone we love, I love you because of the past. She still wants to know about the past. More awareness I develop more terrible is the way I see my past behaviors.
She is afraid that I am still hiding something.
I do not hide any behavior. But I did not reveal fully myself as far as I am still not able to express my true feeling.
Express my true self, why it is so difficult to me.
On last post I told that I discovered that I was alixethimic. While working on my personality I discovered as well that I am afraid from "abandon" (I miss emotional attention), I miss autonomy, I cultivate the performance, I have an important egocentrism and I can lose easily my temper. Everything seem to come from a lack of emotional attention, and in parallel a lack of boundaries when I was children. I globally agree on this.
It is not an excuse, but it is helpful for me to understand my very egoist vision and my lack of empathy.
More aware I am, more I discover skills I miss.
This is sincerely fascinating, I really appreciate to discover new emotion, or let invade me, and learn to manage them.
But this is far to be natural, it requires a constant attention.

... I write this post and I see that I only speak about me, and I forget to think about my wife. That was originally why I wrote! It confirms my egocentrism!

We are able to communicate currently. She asks questions, and I do not have answer or good answer. I do my best to listen to her. I miss empathy. She has many ore reason than me to feel despair: she lost what she believed in and she has so many pillar to build. It is not her fault but I understand why she is ashamed. I understand and I share her pain. I love her, I want to cherish her, I want to protect her. I love her.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 22, 2017 4:40 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
I have decided to work on mentoring activities proposed from lesson 60. I think this is a good opportunity and an opportunity to revisit my basics, my pillars. I fix myself to revisit 1 lesson per week at least.

Lesson 60 - Motivators
On june 22nd 2016 I wrote the following motivators for recovery in lesson 1:

I want to stop to lie to myself
23/02/2017 : It is still a very important motivators. Complacency is the biggest risk for slip. Each time I have slip, I lied to myself, I tried to minimize. I protect my addiction because I did not want to assume the consequences of my behaviors, because I did not want to handle the emotion generated from the situation. I do not want to protect the addiction anymore. To not lie to myself is still a motivator. I hope to transform such motivator by : I want to manage my emotion, I want to be able to manage a the different emotions of a normal life. But Lie and minimization I can easily track. It is an important motivation for me, a way to achieve myself.

I want to build a balanced life
23/02/2017 : It is a motivator. Later when I will explore my practical value I will assess this topic (it is a question I have currently).

I want to see partner with love, not as mother or as playground partner
23/02/2017 Currently my motivator is “I want to be completely honest with my partner”, “I want to not give pain to my partner, to my family because of my lie”. My image of love is far to be clear at the moment and I feel really guilty about how I “use” love. I can not speak confortably about love. But my current motivator is to protect my wife by telling her the truth about who I am, by giving her absolute trust.

I want to look to women as a normal human being and to stop to sexualize
23/02/2017 My god! Of course it is still a motivator for me, to learn to manage the emotion I may find with women (generally speaking). I want to stop to objectify her, I want to respect myelf,, my wife and those unknown women.

I want friends
23/02/2017 This is not a motivator. I see friends as one element of a balanced life. But not the main one.

I want to be a good father
23/02/2017 This remains an important motication for me. Whatever this sentence is very general, this is very important.

I want to be proud, I want to be proud because I express myself, because I assume my choice
23/02/2017 This is still a motivator. Complacency is a big obstacle.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 06, 2017 2:23 pm 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
For the last 10 days, I worked daily on the question asked by lesson 61 – mentoring:

2. Consider your current vision. See how it has evolved from it's initial state (Lesson Two). See which areas of this vision continue to guide you, which you have come to evolve, which you have come to neglect and which are now irrelevant.


This is very important to me, to reinforce my foundation. I am still very sensitive to trigger, even if I do not face urge. My working priorities are first “my foundation reinforcement”, second “explore my past” (to understand the meaning of my addiction, I feel I need it) and then in third “proactivity to triggers” (I am still unsastified by my reaction to triggers). Daily I continue to monitor carefully honesty, communication and active listening skills.

I documented 4 visions in to my thread since the beginning. I read them again to assess where I am. In parallel, I read other recovery thread. I am not yet decided to commit myself for mentoring, but I did as if.

Vision n°1 – 23/06/2016

2 parents and their 3 childrens
Childrens are already pre-adult or teenager.
They meet, they lay down.
My vision is associated to different places: a simple living room, a bit gipsy, a bit messy, a sandy beach by night, with plenty of stars in the sky, or a camp site.
They lay down, very lazily, without shame to show their proximity and tenderness.
They are doing nothing else than to be together, and start to talk.
They talk: parents ask question to their children, children answer, told their life.
There is a big intimacy in the discuss, everybody listen to each other, ask more question instead of giving judgement and position. There are a pure equality in their way to discuss.
Parents talk between them as well.
Topics are what's new, how are the study, last book someone read, news about relatives, gossip around each individual life. The topic move to what do we do tomorrow, next week. Everybody fell comfortable to express. We can even now speak about our problem.
I feel peace, harmony, intimacy, attention.
I create the peace, but not a peace to hide trouble, a peace where the people I love feel supported, listened, encouraged, motivated.

Peace maker,
I have been peace maker, but I accumulated a lot of frustration, and I kept peace by hiding, controlling the emotions.
I am peacemaker, and I want to be peacemaker for my partner, my children, for my friends and probably in any social activity.
A peace maker, in respect of my individual value, I want to offer and share with my partner my discovery, cultural challenge, to continue to open to the world, travel. Value must remain, but individuality, thought, can evolve, and hopefully it is not a threat for peace.
A peace maker, able to take lead when it is required, to bring support and help to people I love.

>>> the vision of the family described in the first part is still up to date. The value about “peace maker” is not correct. This does not match exactly my identity. If maintain peace for the one I love is something important, this is far to be the identity I want to offer. Later, in fourth vision I develop a vision of myself more in line with my core identity.

Vision n°2 – 30/06/2016
On Thursday evening, I learnt my company car will have to go maintenance on Friday morning. So I used this opportunity to say my wife: “hey, I have no car tomorrow morning, we can have a coffee together”. I was one commitment of my previous recovery program : organize a weekly moment with my wife. I was happy to have opportunity to create. But I did not feel good.
At the coffee we are used to meet others people, people who like to enjoy together a coffee, during 30 minutes, every morning, before to go to their activity. My wife invited a women, I knew by view only, to share with us the table. My wife start a small talks with her: “how are you, I never asked you what you were doing in the life…?”. I stayed silent until the discuss moved to the activity of the woman, stuff about HR management. Then during 20 minutes, I discussed with this woman, equal to equal, about our activity. Simply, friendly, without any trouble thought. It was a good moment. But I did not feel good.
Then I decided to go to work, by taxi (I had no car). I said my wife, good bye, with very uneasy feeling. No taxi were available, and I think to myself, do I really need to go work at office today. Could I just work from home, continue to share a time with my wife, have the lunch with her, and my daughter (a special event was organized). 5 minutes after left her, I called back my wife, telling her that finally I will not go at office this morning, we can share another coffee, I can join her to the lunch with our daughter at school. She was surprised, she told me she had things to do, she proposed to me to work at coffee shop, and call each other end of morning to see. I was happy to go work in coffee shop, to have opportunity the share lunch with my family. But still not happy, still not satisfied.
I worked very efficiently at coffee shop. The job I had this day did not require face to face contact, I handled everything on the phone. I had potentially only one activity that could have justify to turn back office and visit a customer, but after checking no need. After having phoned to my different direct colleague: “do you need me today?”, I “decided” to continue to work from outside this day. My wife joined me at 11:00 and we went at school to see my daughter.
To see my daughter (4 years old) in her class room gave me a lot of emotion. She was surprised to see me as far as I said to her I could not come! It was a short but good time. But I feel uneasy again. I feel not comfortable. Another dad spoke to the teacher with assurance. It makes me feel very little, jealous of this assurance in his voice, his way to speak. Moreover I felt bad looking sometime to others mothers, their sex appeal may remind me addiction.
Once finished, we had a quick lunch with my wife. Difficult to talk. She was afraid about the blood test result, me too, but not able to tell her simply. She was still under shock about what she discovered (the fact that I continue to lie, that I lie to myself), and I was not able to say the only thing to say “sorry”. One satisfaction comes from the fact we did not stop to connect, but I felt very very very bad.
Then I went back home, where I worked for 3 hours. Actually in parallel, I thought about my lesson 3 exercise, and I felt very meaningless guy. This uneasy feeling was stronger and stronger.
My wife came back around 4 with the children. They were surprised to see me, and I think happy. They gave me a lot of light. My wife planned to go with them at swimming pool, where they could see their friends. I said I am sorry I am working I cannot join you. 30 seconds before they left, I think to myself, and I saw that I did not have urgent work, and I could take 1 hour to enjoy swimming pool with my children. They were surprised when I say:” I come with you”. My wife told me “as you want”. I had good time to play with my kids and their friends. We spent one hour and half, and I received no call from work. It was a good moment, kids were happy. But I still did not feel good.
When we turned home, I told my wife I will prepare the diner, I will go quickly for shopping. Once arrived at home, the phone rang. It was a colleague, from abroad, calling me for something very urgent. He started his message by “I have a big problem, I need your help…”. Then I spoke with him for 20 minutes. When I stopped, I went to see my wife to explain, but she argued me: we were discussing when the phone rang, and I did not take 10 seconds to interrupt the cal and to tell her “sorry, I must take this call”. She told me once someone told me “I need you”, I stop to think about my envrionment. It is irrespectful. I was amazed, but I confess it is true.
It continues like that until evening. I felt terrible. I started to have stomach ache and muscular pain. I said my wife if she could handle the children alone, I need to lay down.
I went to my bed, took a fetal position, closed my eyes. I do not remember how it happens but suddenly I fall down. Like jumping from a skyscraper. I fall down in the time, and I see all important decision, mistakes or fault I have made in my life. 100% of my act were motivated by only one thing: I WANT TO BE LOVE, I DO NOT WANT TO ALONE.
 I did not wear condom with my main mistress because I wanted her to think it was true love, to make this relation like true intimacy. Actually, this relation was a way to try my porn fantaisy
 At the fist disclosure, I did not said my wife I did not wear condom systematically, to preserve my image, my respectability, my responsibility. To continue to feel loved.
 I develop a deep chat with many girls, to make her love me, to not see as a pervert
 I decided to go live abroad with my family, because my wife wanted, because I do not want to be alone
 I decided to have children, because my wife wanted, because I do not want to be alone
 I decided to marry, to study, to work… always to because I do not want to be alone, I want to feel to be loved.
 …
And then I woke up and I understand.
I FEEL BAD ALL DAY BECAUSE I DID NOT DECIDE ANY OF MY ACT.
The value of the act is not the main problem, the problem is to decide the way I act.
This Friday was a collection of good moment, like the stuff we post on a blog, but without any meaning. No meaning because I did not decide anything: I use opportunity, the fact that people appreciate me, they are indulgent. I was lost because my wife this time answered to me “AS YOU WANT”. I did not know how to answer such simple question, because my decision process was only carried by others people. I Put the responsibility of my life to others.
One simple and terrible example.
6 month ago, before to restart sexual relation, my wife asked me to do a blood test (I did not take on myself to do it, knowing what I knew). The results came after 48h. My wife wanted to make love with me (so do I). Instead to tell her “It is better to wait few hours and get the test result”, and I asked “Are you sure you do not want to wait the test result?”. What a shame, what a irresponsibility. Sorry my love, I beg you pardon, how can I forgive myself.

That is my NO-IDENTITY. I am not trustable, I am not someone we can trust. I AM NOT RELIABLE.

But when I woke up, I UNDERSTAND THIS FRIDAY COULD HAVE BEEN A WONDERFUL DAY. I have everything in me, to make it good, to feel it good. To be an engine of that day.

I want that day, to keep in my mind forever, to define my identity: someone RELIABLE, TRUSTABLE, AN ENGINE OF HIS LIFE, AN INSPIRATION SOURCE FOR HIS WIFE FAMILY AND FRIENDS.

So I woke up. I told my wife my vision, I told my wife that I was completely wrong in my recovery process: all my commitment were the one from an Intimacy dependant.

Before, the objective to create a moment every week was only to create intimacy. Actually I understand now that this value/commitment is related to the RELIABILITY.

I told her I will try not bother her anymore my “I want to be better…”, I will let that to my recovery thread, to stop to use her as my psychotherapist, and to complete I want, I plan, I do.

So now I am ready to work on my value, and I really understand what is a practical value, and the relation with universal value.

>>> Even if I do not fully agree with the perception I had, I recognize this vision is still feeding my way. This vision is very practical and fed my search for self esteem development.


Vision n°3 – 24/08/2016
Who I am,
Someone seeking for self esteem, someone who love others to feed his heart,
Until now I thought I was the only one able to provide me what I was looking for
I develop unhealthy behaviors, and I finally never reached self esteem, and I do not ear my heart anymore.
I have hope in recovery, I believe I can be healthy. But I must be realistic about who I am, and who I can imagine to be.
I do not want to lie to other about myself.
I will seek for self esteem, and I will love to feed my heart.
And I can behave to achieve this vision.
I prayed, and I had a vision.
In this vision, my first love is to my wife.
I see her smile, I have my hand in her hand, and I smile too.
She offers smile as she offers love. We share this value. We are together. I am her smiling partner, she inspires my life, my passion, my project. I am a source of inspiration for her smile.
I love her for her heart. I am feeding myself with her sweet heart, her empathy. She helps me to follow my heart, to have dream.
I am with her and I am the main inspiration for her smile, I cultivate this smile, as a fire. I am present to warm her, and I offer her my sincere enthusiasthm, my energy and my creativity.
My mind is completely open to her. I had no secret, and she helps me to open my heart, to make it express. I respect her, I trust her and I am able to open completely and honestly what I have in mind and on my heart.
I respect her choice and whatever our couple situation will become, I will continue to love the beautiful person she is. I see her smile.
I am a good father, I support my children to be happy, to be balanced. I am offering my smile, my curiosity and my passion.
I am able to discuss with them, openly, I consider them as intelligent people, adult in being. I am present for them at any time.
Intimacy, I make love with my heart, with the one I love. Make love is to give and to show love to someone. I express my emotion to my love, and I respect her choice.
To the ones I love, I offer smile, good mood, happiness. I feel comfortable t them know who I am really, and I let them be comfortable to express to myself. I am curious about their experiences, their opinion. I respect them, and I am transparent about my value system.
To myself, I maintain a high self esteem by considering the long term consequences of my actions. I continue to feed my dream and curiosity with respect of my values, the one I love and my life. I assume I am naïve, and sometime helpless and fear face to a problem, and I rely transparently on other to help me.
I enjoy nature, I love exercise, and I am glad to share with the ones I love. I continue travelling, with and without moving, to enjoy landscape, situation and soul of the world.
My job is an important source of personal development to challenge my intellectual skill. I am seeking for opportunity to develop but my professional activity is balanced to let me time to respect all my other value. I do not act at work in contradiction with my value. I am honest and work is one of my value. I promote this value.

Realistic or Idealistic?
It is realistic in the way that I do not lie about what I am looking for. I have no idea what is healthy, but today I am seeking for immediate gratification on every pillars of my life. Until now:
 > I think I am the only one able to generate my emotion
 > By the way I manipulate people, by offering the correct image, that will provide the expect emotion for me
My goal is to have self esteem, not a good image. What is self esteem: proud of myself, something that give energy to build and to project. I do not know if it is healthy objective, if it is egocentric. But by the way, that is what my addiction destroyed on myself. I can not love anyone if I do not respect myself. My past behaviors did not succeed to reach self esteem. They destroyed my self esteem, and make myself someone unable to love, only seeking to satisfy his emotional confort.

It is realistic because it is already who I am, in a peaceful environment, when no negative emotion is expected. I do not say I am like that today sincerely, but I am really like that. During the month I spent in Europe this summer, with my wife, my children and friends, I have been this person. I gave love with sincerity. I receive incredible present, absolutely unexpected. Something that immediate gratification can not offer. I refer in this vision why others people are important for me. Maybe I am still immature to have expectation, but in previous value system I completely omit this aspect. This is for me important to remind what I will earn if I respect my vision, what I will lose if I continue to be unhealthy.
So yes it is realistic and it generates health.

It is idealistic because until now I never succeed to balance the anxiety of immediate gratification by my healthy behavior. I will continue the job, define the related practical value, define the boundaries, and test it over my recent relapse experience.
I fear about my mental ability to manipulate. I will read again and again this vision, to make sure it is my heart.

In this vision I really develop the concept of self esteem. I had this vision following a pary. It is more idealistic than previously, but it develops more what s my core identity.
There is a vision about couple. Today this vision maintain both hope and guilt about my partner.

Vision n°4 : 09/09/2016
I like to taste, I like to feed my senses, I like to understand life and nature. I get sense by experiencing
What :
Intellectually mainly,
Feeling, I like to feel emotion
Physically, I like to understand feeling related to sense
Taste to feed my curiosity
It is an engine, it gives sense, day by day to me.

With who?
My partners, my children, friends .
Share with others to share the pleasure, the curiosity. Share to learn, to understand, to experiment, to love

How ?
By being fully honnest, entire.
By Exploring, but do not seek to be someone else, do not seek to build an image
By Protecting the one I love
By feeding dreams of others

As short vision, sincere and honest, about who I am, what are my needs, how I want to achieve myself. This is more related to my core identity than a pure vision. When I read again I may see potential unhealthy stuff (very selfish, I am focus on what is challenging, what is new, more than in loving what I have and who I am).

Today, What do I fight for life, what do inspire me?:
Be honest with myself, be honest with my wife
Make myself and my family to have a materially confortable situation
Help my children to become good person, well balanced, happy in life and healthy
Support my wife, materially and emotionally in her rebuilding
Organise outside activities and event for my families
Improve my socializing skills
Work according my values and my needs
Appreciate the different emotions of life, control them, minimize my emotion based behaviors in every area
Travel
Organise for myself running event
Enjoy and share my pleasure about mountain
Seek for intellectual challenge and development
Understand what love does mean
Ingrain healthy sexual boundaries

I have no issue to keep this vision in mind. This is more natural, not completely, but it does not require to think too much. Just answer the question what is driving me currently.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 13, 2017 3:22 pm 
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Posts: 134
First of all, I wanted to share a text someone recommend to me about love. I am not very good about explaing what is love for me. This short text bring me a first answer... being honnest, being open, being respectful is most probably a first act of love to my partner. After reading this text, I was able to say my partner I love you with sincerity. This is only a personal thought and feeling, but I am happy to share with the community.

Note : Sorry, this is a google translate from french. I checked it, seems OK.

"Two people who meet are two worlds that meet. The thing is not simple, but rather complex, the most complex. Each person is a world in itself: a complex mystery, with a distant past and an eternal future.

At the beginning of the relationship, only the peripheries meet. But if the relationship grows in intimacy, becomes closer, becomes deeper, then little by little the centers begin to join. When the centers meet, this is called love. When the peripheries meet, it is called acquaintance. You make contact with the other, from the outside, just from the edge: you then know. Frequently, you start to call your encounter love. You are then in error. To know one another is not to love.

Love is a very rare thing. To meet someone in the center is to pass yourself by a revolution, because if you want to meet someone in the center, you will have to allow him to arrive, too, at your center. You will have to become vulnerable, absolutely vulnerable, open. It's risky. Letting someone come to your center is risky, dangerous because you do not know what it is going to do to you. And once all your secrets are known, once your privacy is revealed, once you're fully exposed, what will it do? You do not know. And the fear is there. That's why we never open ourselves.

A simple encounter and we think that love has arrived. The peripheries are touching and we believe we are met. You are not your periphery. In reality, the periphery is the border where you end, it is the palisade that surrounds you. It is not you ! The periphery is the place where you end and where the world begins. Even husbands and women who have lived together for many years may be strangers, they do not know each other. And the longer you live with someone, the more you completely forget that your centers have remained unknown.

The first thing to understand is therefore: do not confuse relationship, couple and love. Even if you make love, even if you have sex, sex is also on the periphery. Unless the centers meet, sex is only the encounter of two bodies. And meeting two bodies is not your encounter. Sex, too, remains a superficial relationship - physical, corporeal, but always superficial. But you can only allow someone to enter your center only if you are not afraid, only if you have no fear.

So I tell you that there are two kinds of existence. One is directed by fear, the other by love. Living in fear will never allow you a deep relationship. You remain fearful and you can not let the other do it: you can not allow it to enter into you truly to your heart. You tolerate each other to a certain extent, and then it's the wall and everything stops.

The one whose life is turned towards love is the religious and spiritual being. To be oriented towards love means: not to be afraid of the future, not to be afraid of the result or the consequences: to live here and now. "


_____________________________________________________________________________________

Seek for sense, I have decided to have a look to my practical values for the next 3 month (last time was in middle of january).

MAINTAIN SELF ESTEEM
1.1. REPAIR WHAT THE VALUES I HAVE BROKEN TO OTHER
Communication with my wife, give attention, materially and emotionally to her
Do not lie and communicate clearly
To contribute to comfort for our return in France. I can consider this is done and I can focus now on developing a balanced life in this new context
Start the couple workshop. Decide about making a clear commitment to my wife within 3 month, july 1st 2017.
1.2. DO NOT ACT IN A WAY THAT DESTROY MY SELF ESTEEM
Share about my goals, values, boundary
Be honest about my goal achievement, boundaries respect
Be honest about my stress level, my fears
Respect my commitment, assume the consequence
Be proactive, anticipate stressful situation
Apply for every aspect of life the tools I have learnt to control my emotion (anticipation, emotion awareness and decision making process)
1.3. PROTECT MY FAMILY
Take care of my family (materially and emotionally)
Finish DST test. This is done, hopefully it is behind me now.
1.4. TO NOT DEPRESS
Continue to communicate with my friend(s)
Review my stress balance honestly

DEVELOPPED A BALANCED LIFE
[b]COMMIT MYSELF TO HEALTHY LIFE
To continue to work on my remaining fears and to replace them by awareness,
To tell my wife I love her, to tell her the sense of my love,

[/b]SPEND TIME WITH MY CHILDREN
Be very present in their education
Make them feel confident about the new life in France
Organize activities, spend time with them, together and individually
Develop values around the book “raising boy” with my son
My Children suffer more than us about our move back to france. They lost a lot of friends. I want to help and to support them to rebuild their friendship, by promoting invitation, sport events…

KEEP HEALTHY
Run, hike. Plan 1 big event every 3 month. Use this passion as an opportunity to socialize in a healthy way
Find activity to temper my emotion : yoga. Maintain this habit when I am travelling for business.
work at home 1 to 2 times per week. I accepted a mission and I spent 2 to 3 night outside per week. This is too much. I kept work at home 1 day per week at least since the beginning of the year.
Seek opportunity for support in France. I started 2 month ago a visit to psychologist every ¾ weeks. We focus our work around emotions. I will maintain this activity for the next 3 month, to continue to develop my skills around
BUILD A HOUSE
Involve myself in developing a “house” in France. I must involve myself more in our new flat (this is not natural for me but I feel a lot achievement by doing this).
Involve myself in burden, implement a time management to support burden. This is not enough. I feel helpless. I involve myself in market, cooking, but not enough in other burden.
Plan the modernization of our countryside house within 3 month
DEVELOP MY PROFESSIONAL SKILLS
Developp my key skills, assume I am a specialist
Enlarge my confort area, especially by developing collaborative management
Apply method learnt in recovery to seek for emotional control
This is not a very big success. While returning France I found back a strong network who recognize my strength, but my current job does not bring me satisfaction. And moreover this job does not place me in a situation I feel confortable (I mean emotionally – a lot of travel and a lot of very directive management). I will consider with the next 3 month if I start to look for another job. I have no pressure, but I do not deserve to not be satisfied both emotionaly and intellectually by my job.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 20, 2017 4:36 pm 
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Posts: 134
I just give few udpate about my situation.

I keep continuing my daily monitoring about specifics skills: honnesty, communication, listening, emotional awareness.

I am still triggered by unknown attractive women, or basically I would say, I notice her. I understand what happen, and I start awareness, making sure I avoid complacency.

Complacency may happen in communication as well. I understand I still have confidence problem wen I communicate with my wife. More and more I open the discuss, but this is far to be natural and when communicaton is better, I have a trend to become complacent.

Listening is a skill I start to work on. I study this skill. I can say that I have an empathy issue and addiction really deteriorates my listening ability. This skill may help me to gain self confidence.

Last week I studied one of the supplementary lesson "Sexual Intimacy". Actually I am seeking about giving sense to intimacy. We have installed a kind of separation with my wife for 2 month, and I am seeking about the sense of intimacy restoration.

First of all, this lesson describes the intimacy as a "finite value". This is diffcult to understand for me. Honnesty is described as "finite value". This I understand, I would say I feel it. But for intimacy this is not very clear. At this stage I accept this definition.

Then the achievement of this value is described around 8 elements. It says the completion of the value isonly possible is the 8 elements are present. This is very interesting and helpful concept. I tried to locate myself about these 8 elements, and I started to discuss with my wife. We just had time to speak about the 3 first elements:

Element 1 : Reality - Are we sure both of us know the perception of the other about the relationship and are they similar? At this stage I am not comfortable to answer about this element.
Currently my perception of the partnership is that we are both of us hurt, we are seeking for care and we would like the other one to offer us care, we are helping each other, we are commited to move forward, for ourself, for our chidren and for our partnership. We are still curious and open mind partners, we want to learn. We miss of skills.

Element 2: Choice - Do we choose deliberately to share intimacy? There are several obstacles to say my choice is based on free will: the children, the finance, the fear to be alone, the image. But the last 2 month of separation learnt to me that I work and I recover for myself, and by the way I choose to develop deliberately to develop intimacy with my wife. I am sure about this element.

Element 3 : Trust - Are we honnest with our partner, our partner trust us, we trust our partner, and our partner knows we trust her? I have no doubt about my honnesty. I monitor daily this value for more than 2 month. I still struggle with my emotion related to addiction, I started to accept negative emotion (like guilt, shame, sadness, anxiety), and I share honnestly to my wife, with communication skill far to be perfect. Despite of that, I know my partner can not trust me yet. It will take time, but I will keep my determination. During our discuss this week end, I understand how much this is will be diffcult and painful to change.

Element 4 : Pride - I am proud of my relationship, I am proud of what we achieve. I have doubt sometime: very few of our friends/relatives know about our situation, our doubt.

Element 5 : Respect - I am amazed about how beautiful personn my wife is. I cherish the mother, the wife, the woman, the friend, the buddy and the confident.

Element 6 : Vulnerability - I trust her to show myself as vulnerable. I never demonstrate I am trustable to accept her vulnerability. She can be afraid about this, I have never been present to support her vulnerability, and even worse I use this vulnerability to justify my addiction. This is an element I would like to share with her.

Element 7 : Self love - self esteem is my main value.

Element 8 : sensory stimulation - By maintaining daily communication and by continuing to share life experience, we maintain a good mutual emotional stimulation by the way. We have to continue to explore how our identity or soul stimulates each other.

For the next coming days I will continue to explore these elements. On my own and with my wife.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 2:21 pm 
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Posts: 134
It is more than 1 month than I did not post on my personal thread, but I never spent so much time on portal. I use portal as part of my daily monitoring and I check daily any post, from SA or partner, in the forum.

The SA forum is a source of inspiration for my own work. It helps me to nominate issue, to consider other point of view. Even if it is an internet thing, I have the feeling to be part of a community in a sense. I feel concern by others, and I find, very rarely, the courage to interact. This is something very new for me, and I think it contributes to develop new healthy skills.

I hesitate long time to check partners forum post. I was afraid. I was afraid to read the reality, I was afraid by the guilt and the shame. I was right in a sense, every time I read a post from partner I am invading by shame and guilt. But it is helpful to see the reality of my behaviors. This is for real. It gives perspective to my work, helps me to reconsider my selfishness or how much I can be too much intellectual. In other sense I was wrong, every time I read a post from partner, behind terrible trauma or consequence, I see absolutely courageous women, full of love, fighting for hope. The way partners interact in post if full of empathy and compassion. So in parallel of shame and guilt, I understand what compassion. A value I am still far to share unfortunately. But it helps, and it enables me to develop a better understanding of my partner, a better listening, a better communication.

To summarize, I found in the forum very useful material to develop my values.

Where I am now…
Concerning my sexual unhealty behaviors:
 I still have sexual thought about past behaviors (less than 1 day, but several time per week), intensity is reducing a lot, but complacency is still a threat, I do not switch so easily to healthy trigger. I continue a daily monitoring about complacency
 I did not home romantic fantasy at all for the last month. I include in romantic fantasy for example the fantasy about being a single man.
 I still suffer from my scanning behavior. I still scan very quickly and naturally attractive woman. Even if intensity reduce a lot, this is really a behavior ingrained for many many year, that become natural. I monitor daily this issue, and watch carefully about complacency
 In parallel I am more sensitive about shame and guilt triggers. This is healthy but very painful.

My way to work
 I have a kind of diary where I note, every day, every thing I may relate to the recovery process (both healty and unhealthy event). The purpose is still develop awareness about emotion. Emotion description is still very difficult form me. So I note, emotion or related,, behavior, thought or sensory feeling.
 As explained previously I visit every day RN forum new post.
 I review weekly objectives: what is my emotional balance? what is my level of complacency? Is there any sign of complacency or imbalance? Is there any risky situation in the coming days? Usually I share on Sunday evening with my wife about these questions, and based on that I define my program. I would not say I respect strictly my program, but it gives a direction.
 About risk situation, I should say now about “new risky situation”. For example over the last 2 month I have develop an healthy and natural behaviors about “business trip”, “being alone in a hotel room”, “eat alone in a restaurant”, “diner with a friend”, “be contacted by an unhealty friend”… This is ingrained. But there is plenty of new situation I will have to anticipate.
 Daily communication with my wife, what ever I am travelling, I organize an appropriate communication moment with my wife.
 And of course the 3 month objectives. I keep in mind, but I do not review the progress regularly. It just generates a kind of alarm inside me. I will report progress next month.

My personal situation, I am still “separated” from my wife. Actually we restart to make love occasionally, but we still sleep in different room. We are still unconfortable with intimacy. We discuss openly but my communication skills are still weak. Both of us really want to give sense to partnership and a potential re-union. This is a priority, for both of us. At this stage, she does not trust me, she does not understand where do we go, she does not feel confortable with me. And she is right. I still have communication problem, I still defend myself first before to show compassion and listening, I am still very selfish in my way to express. I accept, but it is my priority. These skills are weak, but I want to learn and develop. This is not because I do not have a skill that it is not me.

Yesterday I had a terrible shame and guilt trigger about what I did to my wife for the last 20 years. All the lie, all the manipulations. For 20 years, I used every opportunity I have to act out. Even if these behavior are prior to the start of our relation, I feel terrible guilt for my lie to her. I am so sorry for that. I felt bad, and it reminds a very good post in partner forum about “procrastination”. And I said to myself that I have shame about 1000 weeks of my life. I can reasonably expect to live 1500 weeks. I won’t have shame about these remaining weeks.

This morning I say sorry to my wife. It is not the first time, and it won't be the last.


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PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 1:46 pm 
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Posts: 134
Guilt, shame and forgiveness...

I read last week « The Adversary : a true story of monstruous deception” from E.Carrere. I read that book long time ago and it is very terrible, and unfortunately a true story. A story about lie, secret life. And story quite similar to what I have done.

I think several times about this book during recovery, and I recently restored my old book shelves. I have seen the book and I wanted to read it again. To read, to see, to understand how I perceived that now.

This reading has been painful. Painful for the guilt and the shame it creates. This man has killed his family before disclosure and continue to protect his lie even after his crime. This situation is similar to mine whatever it is not about a sex addiction issue. I hopefully did not kill anybody, but my unprotected behaviors could have. In his way to protect his secret life, in his way to refuse, to modify the reality, in his way to manipulate all people around him. His selfish attitude, his unability to love, his only concern about his image, his total emotional immaturity, it was me, my behaviors that I read under the line.

It is terrible to compare myself to this person, to compare my behaviors to what he did, but actually it is true. 100% the same intention! This reading enables me to see clearly the reality of who I was. What kind of guy I was. What I was looking for, and to understand what I was fear of.

I felt guilt, I felt terribly ashamed, I felt sad, but I have seen the reality and I start to feel able for accountability of my act. It is a shame 1 year and half after disclosure, but it happens.

This reading enables me to understand how I did not respect the life, first of all my life, then the life of every people who loved me with sincerity. I hurted them, my wife, my children. I hurted their purity. I assassinated their belief, their hope, their faith. I promised to cherish every day of my life now. To cherish life. To cherish and to know what love does mean.

An important question that come during reading, would I be able to forgive this man? Would I be able to trust him? Honnestely, I can not judge, I can not answer, he, and I, will have to live all our life with this guilt. That’s the point.

I understood that for the rest of my life I will have to carry this guilt.

And despite this guilt is painful, I hope to continue to transform into a positive energy. A positive energy for recovery, for a healthy life, to cherish life and love.

I wanted to share this terrible experience in my thread. It is dark, it is crual, but it is true. It is absolutely terrible to be compared to a criminal, but it is true.

And I see this guilt as a sign of a who I am now. And this is maybe positive, maybe healthy. I would not have understood such things even few month before. I would have tried to protect myself, to minimize.

I really recommend this book. A tough but necessary experience in my case.

I really feel shame to start to understand the pain I have made to my wife 1 year and half after disclosure. 18 month to understand!!!!!!!!

I continue to consult daily RN, especially partner forum. I continue to monitor daily every event related to complacency, communication problem, and now I added guilt. To be sure I keep this guilt as an engine for recovery. I am more actor of my life. I am in love with my wife, with my children. I am not perfect, but they can rely on me. I love life.


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PostPosted: Mon May 22, 2017 2:36 pm 
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Emotions, thought and feeling

These days I suffered a lot of sexual thought with high intensity. At least an intensity I did not met for several weeks. Complacency is nover far and I still hear little voice telling me this is not important, that I would not hurt anyone.

As I previously wrote, shame's triggers are more and more present, but sexual triggers came back these days. This is boring, disgusting and really discouraging sometime…

I tried to understand why. These thought are clearly motivated by a desire to feel good, to feel better. When I have these thought, I heard the voice of immediate gratification...

Facing an urge, It takes enough energy to stop and to redirect my thought, that I do not take enough the time to analyse the emotion, to accept it (without complacency) and to understand finally why I am seeking for this immediate gratification.

I learnt that emotional balance may change very quickly. Here are the reason why I feel "bad":
 I feel unconfortable about my guilt and shame to my my wife
 I feel unconfortable to express my emotion to my wife
 Recently I organized a first session with my wife and a therapist about couple. Even If I organized this event, it has been emotionally very tough, and I feel ashamed to have shown my weaknesses in term of emotion expression
 I am bored at work, I lack of vision
 I did not develop new friendship yet
 I was sick for few days, and I notices sickness has a negative impact on my motivation, determination. Moreover I miss sport

Hopefully I have I rebalanced these with healthy activities. HEre are the reasons why I feel "good":
 I spent a lot of time with my children, developing special moment with them individually. I am still seen mainly as daddy player, but they come to see me very naturally
 We communicate a lot with my wife, we start to have project (refurbish our house, next holidays)
 RN forum provides me the feeling to belong to a community
 Even if my job is not very motivated, it offers few satisfaction, opportunities for achievement
 I read an excellent novel
 I enjoyed cooking for my family

After a first visit to a couple therapist, I took the commitment with my wife, to express my emotion as they are, when they are, instead of waiting to get a solution.

I do not feel really good at the moment, mostly I have fear and a lack of self esteem. Fear to be alone, to be rejected… I need to continue to earn maturity, self confidence and esteem.

In the coming days, I will try to explore my emotions, to accept and to express them honnestely.

I learn from that moment, that emotion may change and are finite. There are good days, there are “bad” days. When days are bad, I still very sensitive to my addicted behaviors, thinking and seeking about immediate gratification.

Describe my emotion is helpful...


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 06, 2017 2:13 pm 
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Posts: 134
As every 2/3 month, I need to review my short term actions plan. It is a very helpful tool (at least I need it) to generate healthy change in my life. I posted last one beginning of march. At this stage I did not change the road map. I continue to work daily on my emotion awareness, on my communication and listening skills. A lot of actions (value based behaviors) generated satisfaction and I suppose it helped me to reduce the intensity of urge, thought and other fantasies. I still have urge, and I still have a strong monitoring of complacency. But life on the other side is really better !


MAINTAIN SELF ESTEEM

1.1. REPAIR WHAT THE VALUES I HAVE BROKEN TO OTHER
…Sadness, shame, guilt as a motivator for change...
Communication with my wife, give attention, materially and emotionally to her
Do not lie and communicate clearly. This is still something to keep. My communication has improved.
To contribute to comfort for our return in France. She started to seek for a job. I really hope she will find success in the next 3 month, and in any case I want to prepare this new life (orgabisation of the week, seek for baby sitting…)
Start the couple workshop. I have decided to start a work with her and a tier (psycho and sexo therapist). I expect this process to make clearly our vision and boundaries about what is couple
We have initialized few common project : summer vacation, transformation at our house… this time I am an actor. I will continue to be an actor.

1.2. DO NOT ACT IN A WAY THAT DESTROY MY SELF ESTEEM
Share about my goals, values, boundary
Be honest about my goal achievement, boundaries respect
Be honest about my stress level, my fears
Respect my commitment, assume the consequence
Be proactive, anticipate stressful situation
Apply for every aspect of life the tools I have learnt to control my emotion (anticipation, emotion awareness and decision making process)
I keep this commitment, this permanent assessment of my emotion. I am still very weak. I keep my daily diary to monitor my emotion, sensation and thought. In the next 3 month I want to improve my skills about emotional awareness: what is the need behind emotions?
By the way, if urge are less intense, my scanning skills is still so much present, and I am still polluted by sexual thought. I have to monitor carefully complacency to not generate fantasy. I feel so guilt about that, and so sad to still be polluted.

1.3. PROTECT MY FAMILY
Take care of my family (materially and emotionally)

1.4. TO NOT DEPRESS
Continue to communicate with my friend(s)
Review my stress balance honestly
My relation with parent is really a problem for me. Like something I hide. I hope to move forward on this issue in the 3 coming month.

DEVELOPPED A BALANCED LIFE

2.1. COMMIT MYSELF TO HEALTHY LIFE
To continue to work on my remaining fears and to replace them by awareness,
To tell my wife I love her, to tell her the sense of my love,

2.2. SPEND TIME WITH MY CHILDREN
Be very present in their education
Make them feel confident about the new life in France
Organize activities, spend time with them, together and individually
In the last 3 month I developed more intimacy with my children. They come more easily to speak to me. My wife offered me opportunity to spend more time with them.
I am active in organizing the family activities. I get a lot of satisfaction by doing this. Most of my inspiration…

2.3. KEEP HEALTHY
Run, hike. I redevelop a lot this activity during last 3 month (I ran twice per week, at least 1 hour every time). I have an objective to succeed a trail of 60km in September. I will have to train in respect of my other commitment. Trial running bring me a lot f positive image when I am sexually triggered.
Find activity to temper my emotion : yoga. I did not practice yoga for 1 month and half. I climbed every week in may. Reading, bring a lot of peace to me.
work at home 1 to 2 times per week. 1 day per week is guarantied (I succeed to organize my work accordingly). I want to increase the frequency of the second day.
Seek opportunity for support in France. I continue to maintain a monthly support with a sexotherapist. It is really useful for my pratical understanding about emotion management.

2.4. BUILD A HOUSE (a sweet home!)
Involve myself in developing a “house” in France.
Involve myself in burden, implement a time management to support burden.
Plan the modernization of our countryside house within 3 month
I improved, and I get satisfaction from these activities. It is not natural at this stage, that is why it is important to fix myself short term objectives.

2.5. DEVELOP MY PROFESSIONAL SKILLS
Developp my key skills, assume I am a specialist
Enlarge my confort area, especially by developing collaborative management
Apply method learnt in recovery to seek for emotional control
I am nearly ready to introduce the road map for my new job. In the next 3 month I will have to convince and to obtain what I need to succeed. But is it challenging and I have the power to create the job in repect of my private life.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2017 11:34 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
Last night I consider that I had a slip.

I am in business trip, I stay discussed long time with 5 colleagues (male) during diner. We drink a lot of beer, and I finished drunk. I took a cigarett from a colleague while discussing. I woke up with a hangover, I was very tired during the day. I feel angry about myself. I told to my wife immediately this morning. I told her everything. This situation was clearly expectable. I decided boundaries (develop others activities like running and reading and avoid long diner) and I shared with my wife this week end. But last night I did not respect.

This is not related to unhealthy sexual behavior, I did not even been triggered by any sexual thought or fantasy. I remember to avoid any discuss about sex, and I did not play the super hero in front of my colleague. No complacency about sex and even alcohol basically.

But it makes me angry. It is a waste of time (colleague are friendly and no one one suggest unhealthy behaviors), by the way I do not remember all discuss. I have not been forced to act this way. I did not respect my boundaries, I did not respect myself. My wife refuse to talk to me today. I did not respect her boundaries as well. This behavior is dangerous and unhealthy. I feel I acted against my value.

This behavior was not programmed but the risk was known and theoritically anticipated.

To find motivation, I suggest it is my male was to take the leadership. The 5 colleagues were my boss and 4 members of the project I must lead. The discuss was mainly about the project and the company... as usual. Everybody drink a lot, but I think I can say that I lead the "team building". This is stupid.

Before the diner I invited one of my colleague to run. This was a very constructive way to build the team (and by the way part of the plan). I did not need to do anything else to develop the relation.

I can say definitively this behavior is compulsive.

I wrote and thought so many time about this behavior.

Again I move 1 step back and I hurt myself, again I destroyed the confidence of my wife. She must be very sad, very angry.


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