Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Sun Feb 23, 2020 9:07 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 48 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2016 8:12 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2016 8:09 am
Posts: 46
Hi all!
A little info about me.

I am a 31 year old man who have lived quite a rough life.
I have developed IBS after getting burntout trough several jobs in sales with high budget demands. I am a so called hsp (higly sensitive person) so i can now see that a position in sales was not the best suited job for my personality.
Drinking a lot of alcohol to compensate for all the stress did not help eighter. I was a real partyboy three years ago, drinking quite often, but had to stop due to the IBS.
I started smoking weed to calm myself trying to handle the stressful emotions of being sick better. But after a while i stopped tolerate weed as well.
I also have a fiance with crohn's disease which i love dearly. But being sick together and trying to care for eachother can be quite stressful to say the least.

When alcohol and weed no longer was an option for stress release, i turned to porn which now has grown to a full blown problem.
I have always used porn, but i have had several healthy relationships that stopped the porn use from getting out of hand.
Now my goal is to stop watching porn for good, and getting to a state where i can manage my emotions as an adult without the need for artificial stimuli to rely on.

Looking forward to this journey. I want the life i once had back. I deserve happiness!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2016 9:07 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2016 8:09 am
Posts: 46
Lesson 1:
A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change.
Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys? Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.

1:
I want a real life where I feel all the emotions fully without the need for artificial stimuli to manage them. I am 100 % committed to do whatever necessary to live a full and happy life with all its up and downs!

2:
I have shared everything about my porn addiction with my fiancé, and got her full support. Guilt and shame is no longer a factor for me.

3:
I know that this is not a progress that can be finished in a couple of weeks. I will take my time as the more I invest the more I will get back!

B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life.

1: I want to be able to embrace all of my feelings.
2: I want to be a positive support for my family and friends.
3: I want to be able to radiate love to the world.
4: I want to wake up each day with a smile and wonder of what the day will bring.
5: I want to be able to be more present.
6: I want to enhance my self-belief and self-image.¨
7: I want to be able to make meaningful relationships with other people.
8: I want to be able to laugh more and don’t take life so seriously.
9: I want to be less judgemental.
10: I want to be able to enjoy the small things in life.
11: I want to achieve balance in all aspects of my life.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2016 8:00 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2016 8:09 am
Posts: 46
Lesson 2:
My Vision

I choose to develop full devotion to myself, my fiancée and my family.
I choose to wake up each morning with joy and wonder of what the day will bring.
I choose to putt my own needs first instead of putting others before my own.
I choose to let other people follow their path without giving them suggestions or advice except for when they ask for it or deemed necessary.

I choose to live a genuine life that is centered around: honesty, openness, childlike curiosity, emotional depth, humor, laughter and love. I will choose a job that involves other people in a safe, caring, happiness and energy-forming environment.

I choose to invest in my relationships with openness and faith that I am good enough with a graceful ease of being.
I will devote myself completely to my fiancée and support her and develop a depth and intimacy, which knows no bounds.
I choose to forgive others when they stray from their path.
I choose to invest in humanity and focus on the good in every being.
I choose to develop myself further as a person that others can use as a source of guidance in their lives.

I will remind myself that good enough is good enough, perfectionism is a destructive road.
I will remain humble.
I will remain a reflection of infinite love :)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2016 9:24 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3856
Location: UK
Hello Lightsoul and welcome to RN
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you
your vision is also a good start as it has breadth
however please be careful with

Quote:
I choose to putt my own needs first instead of putting others before my own.


addicts tend to be selfish, our acting out is is partly driven by that selfishness, so do be aware of and establish your healthy needs
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2016 4:58 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2016 8:09 am
Posts: 46
What i meant by this is that in my life i have always put other peoples needs before my own, because unconciously i wanted their acceptance and for them to like me. In other words i wanted to prove myself to them by being nice. This lead to people walking all over me, which in turn further boosted my stress levels. This in turn was one of the factors that lead to my addiction.

So yeah for me putting myself first is a big thing, as this is hard for me to do.

A healthy individual should first focus on loving themself before using their energy on others. But in our society this is seen as wrong as we are taught that our selfworth should come from external sources and not from ourselves.


Cheers


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Sep 28, 2016 10:13 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2016 8:09 am
Posts: 46
Lesson 3:

Life Values
• Self-respect
- Being proud of who I am.
- Being honest with myself and give myself constructive criticism when needed and praise whenever warranted.
- Being thankful for my life.
- Providing quality in my work.
- Be competent and engaged in my field.
- Be genuine.
- Achieve Feeling empowered.
- Achieve financial stability.

• Social acceptance
- Have the power to create long lasting powerful friendships.
- Maintaining friendships with humor and love.
- Showing appreciation towards others.
- Being humble.
- Being forgiving.
- Being seen as trustworthy and caring/loving.

• Meaning
- Pursuing spirituality.
- Pursuing self-development.
- Enjoy life.
- Developing emotional depth as well as intellectual.
- Focusing on the good in people.
- Develop wisdom.
- Appreciating nature and beauty.
- Being mindful/present.
- Be a teacher/mentor.
- Experiencing bliss.
- Be curious like a child.

• Health
- Prioritizing my own health.
- Make wise lifestyle choices.
- Choose fun health providing activities such as yoga, swing, squash etc.
- Practice balance with dopamine providing substances such as alcohol.
- Practice balance in all other aspects of life.
- Developing patience.
- Being connected with my feelings.
- Relaxation.

• Love
- Show love to myself, friends and family.
- Sharing my true self with the world around me.
- Bring joy to people around me.
- Radiate love to the world.
- Continual practice of self-love (no, not that kind ;) ).
- Continue to practice intimacy, love and devotion to my fiancée!
- Being charitable.
- Sexual intimacy.
- Being a role model for my family.
- Being a diplomat when needed.
- Give people hugs.

• Integrity
- Stand up for my beliefs.
- Be honest with others to the best of my abilities.
- Debating with others about things that matters.
- Self-discipline.
- Communicating feelings openly.
- Being free.
- Follow through on my promises.
- Be composed and self-assured.
- Dare to be vulnerable

Dark side values
- Physical euphoria, feeling good.
- Escaping tough events and emotions trough masturbation.
- Stress release.
- Feeling emotions to the extreme even if anxiety inducing.
- Being disconnected from the world, getting a break from reality.
- Short term thinking. Instant gratification.


Last edited by Lightsoul on Thu Sep 29, 2016 7:56 am, edited 2 times in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Sep 29, 2016 7:47 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2016 8:09 am
Posts: 46
Prioritized values

- Pursuing health, spirituality and enlightenment.
- Dare to be free, genuine, vulnerable and open.
- Radiate the power of love to my family and the world.
- Enjoy life with a childlike curiosity.
- Practice balance and thankfulness in all aspects of my life.
- Developing emotional as well as intellectual depth.
- Being proud of who I am.
- Continue to practice intimacy, love and devotion to my fiancée!
- Make and maintain friendships with humor and love.
- Bringing and getting joy from people around me.
- Sharing my true self with the world around me.
- Being patient and relaxed.
- Being connected with my feelings.
- Being mindful/present.
- Being humble and forgiving.
- Being composed and self-assured.
- Develop wisdom.
- Being honest with myself and give myself constructive criticism when needed and praise whenever warranted.
- Showing appreciation towards others. Being appreciated by others.
- Be competent and engaged in my field.
- Sexual intimacy.


Last edited by Lightsoul on Fri Sep 30, 2016 8:16 am, edited 2 times in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Sep 30, 2016 7:57 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2016 8:09 am
Posts: 46
Lesson 5 Top 16 values

- Pursuing health(love myself), spirituality and enlightenment.
- Dare to be free, genuine, vulnerable and open.
- Radiate the power of love to my family and the world.
- Enjoy life with a childlike curiosity.
- Practice balance and thankfulness in all aspects of my life.
- Developing emotional as well as intellectual depth.
- Being proud of who I am.
- Continue to practice intimacy, love and devotion to my fiancée!
- Make and maintain friendships with humor and love.
- Bringing and getting joy from people around me.
- Sharing my true self with the world around me.
- Being patient and relaxed.
- Being connected with my feelings. Working with them, not against them.
- Being mindful/present.
- Being humble and forgiving.
- Being sexually adventurous with my fiancee


Last edited by Lightsoul on Fri Oct 07, 2016 12:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Oct 03, 2016 10:22 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2016 8:09 am
Posts: 46
Lesson 6:

Proactive action plans

o Being patient and relaxed

- Don’t chase instant- gratification and quick fixes.
- Practice meditation and yoga.
- Be aware of my breath as often as possible to be sure I’m not stress breathing.
- Do hypnosis relaxation once a week or more.
- Practice acceptance of what is.
- Practice letting go of disappointment, don’t be overly attached to outcomes as things change.
- Keep a healthy distance to stressful events and people.
- Be aware of my feelings; work with them instead of against them.
- Have a weekly walk in nature or more.

o Being mindful / present

- Don overthink.
- Focus on what I am doing instead of being in my head.
- Learn to be a better listener by giving my undivided attention to whomever I talk too.
- Practice mindfulness whenever I can. If I am distracted, go back to my breath and try again.
- Be observant and feel reality.

o Being connected with my feelings

- Be aware of my feelings; work with them instead of against them.
- Accept that sometimes life is hard, feel it anyways. Dare to feel everything and accept what is. Be emotional without shame.
- Communicate my feelings instead of pushing them down which is destructive in the long run. For example harboring resentment as a negative consequence.
- Appreciate the good times, but let go of the good feelings when the time comes. This is instead of trying not to lose them, which can lead to fear/ anxiety.


Last edited by Lightsoul on Tue Oct 04, 2016 7:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Oct 04, 2016 7:14 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2016 8:09 am
Posts: 46
Lesson 7:

o Pursuing health, spirituality and enlightenment

- Be aware of the effect my actions has on others and myself.
-Cut down on porn as it uses life energy that I can use in real life. Stop watching it as an endgame goal.
-Observe others instead of guiding them. Listen and learn! Be the change!

- Food and health
-Limit processed food and drinks.
-Try eating fish two times a week.
-Refrain from alcohol, nicotine and caffeine in 2016. Cut down for the rest of my life to a healthy amount only.
-Drink soda maximum once a week
-Eat candy maximum once a week

- Prioritize going to the gym, walks etc.
-Go for a walk in nature minimum once a week, try two
-Work out two times a week.

- Learn to let go
-Focus on listening to my body.
-Take time to feel nature and reality. Allow myself to be in awe of it all.
-Live in reality, not in my head.
-Take a break from overanalyzing, trust that I am safe and have learned enough to live a happy life.
-Trust that I am good enough.
-Work trough my emotional traumas.

- Meditate/relax
-Meditate relax 30 mins 5x a week
-Read at least 1 hour of self-development / spiritual books a week.
-Have one social network/internet free day each week.

- Be social
-Have a laugh with friends as often as possible.
-Go to new events.
-Connect with old friends.

o Dare to be free and genuine

- Share my true self with the world around me
-Dare to speak my mind.
-Use humor and kindness to make myself and people around me feel good.
-Dare to be crazy and weird, stretch what is socially acceptable.
-Speak and show my interests with passion.
-Be genuine, be myself. Be honest!
-Stop using social masks. Be at ease. Trust that I am good enough.

- Dare to be open and vulnerable
-Don’t be afraid to say something stupid.
-Put myself out there.
-Develop a stronger sense of self-irony.
-Be open about my feelings.
-Share my story with others if needed.
-Show that I am proud of myself.
-Strive not to be a perfectionist. Dare to be an imperfect human.

o Radiate love to my family and the world

- Speak with a tone of kindness as often as possible.
- Try to be present and smile to strangers every day.
- Help those in need when possible.
- Give people around me heartfelt compliments.
- Be physical when appropriate, hugs etc.
- Make others feel comfortable around me.
- Be nice to others without expecting something In return.
- Speak to strangers with the same tone of voice as friends I have known for years.
- Strive to bring out the best in others and myself.

o Practice balance and thankfulness in all aspects of my life

Balance
- Stop the need for perfection. Practice non-perfection every day, even if it triggers a ocd response.
- Observe more, I don’t always have to be active.
- Moderate myself when eating and drinking.
- Moderate computer use.
- Moderate social media.
- Balance social and alone time.
- Have fun, don’t take life to serious.
- Ground myself with nature, yoga etc.
- Prioritize work/life balance.

Thankfulness.
- Try to think of what I can be thankful for in every situation. There is learning in everything.
- Be grateful for the small things.
- Show thankfulness to my friends and family.
- Remember to be grateful for my newfound health.
- Be grateful for this complex thing we call life!


o Developing emotional as well as intellectual depth.

Emotional depth
- Dare to explore my feelings.
- Feel my feelings fully.
- Try to relate emotionally to all people and animals. Put myself in their shoes.
- Save my emotional/life energy, don’t orgasm too often.
- Don’t judge people. They all strive to be happy in their own way.
- Be open to new ideas and feelings.
- Analyze where my own pain, joy, sorrow comes from. Be brave.
- Go deeper, look for emotional reasons behind my own and other people’s actions.


Intellectual depth
- Read books. Widen my horizon.
- Analyze patterns.
- Think independently.
- Dare to disagree with friends and family
- Find my calling. Develop the necessary skills.

o Being proud of who I am.

- Acknowledge daily to myself that I am a reflection of love.
- Remind myself of all good I have done for others.
- Remind myself of my strengths.
- Forgive myself.
- Embrace my sensitivity and use it for good.
- Talk to myself with a kind voice.
- Dare to see my true self in the mirror and smile.
- Strive to master kindness and love.

o Continue to practice intimacy, love and devotion to my fiancé.

- Improving / maintaining communication
- Be present when she talks to me.
- Try to be neutral/kind when speaking, take a timeout when angry.
- Be open and supportive to her ideas.
- Always be honest.
- Be emotionally available with sincere vulnerability.
- Initiate positive conversations on a daily basis.
- Answer questions with more than a one/two word answer.
- If it is inconvenient to talk to her during a specific period/time, tell her this with a kind voice.
- Observe if shes is tired; wait with communication until she is in a more receptive mood.
- Try to be caring and understandable when she is fatigued.


- Organization maintenance at home.
- Share in keeping the house tidy.
- Ask her if there is specific things that I can help with.
- Do things that need done once spotted.
- Share in meal preparation / cleanup.
- Make her dinner once I a while.

- Love each other.
- Give her daily compliments on her personality and looks.
- Strive to surprise her with date’s and small romantic gestures.
- Remember to cuddle, hug and kiss often.
- Give each other massages, preferable weekly.
- Lend a shoulder for each other to cry on when needed.
- Make time for meaningful conversations.

- Developing sexual intimacy.
- Practice tenderness and karezza
- Take our time with foreplay. Start even at dinner. The brain is our biggest sexual organ
- Be sensitive for when she is ready for sexual advances.
- Establish consistency with frequency of sexual activity.
- Have fun!

o Make and maintain friendships with humor and love

- Dare to talk to strangers as if I have known them for years.
- Use humor whenever appropriate as a tool to spread love and kindness.
- Dare to ask others for what I want from them.
- Be kind in my actions and words.
- Remember to keep sporadic contact with my friends even when sick. Messenger / SMS is always an option.
- Invite my friends to fun getogethers when I have the energy. Take initiative; don’t always wait for others to reach out.
- Remember important events such as birthdays etc.
- Relax and enjoy our meetings, focus on the moment!


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Oct 07, 2016 12:51 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2016 8:09 am
Posts: 46
Lesson 10

1: I am deceiving myself first and foremost. I deceive myself because if I don’t I wont feel as good when I relapse. I feed myself these smart lies to feel good about doing something I know is not good for me. Admiting this to myself is hard because I know the next time I manage to deceive myself I will feel even worse after the relapse, because now I am even more aware of whats not healthy than before.
Sometimes I deceive my fiancé by hiding my masturbation and addiction habit from her. One example is waiting until she is gone to bed then opening internet porn etc. This makes me feel stressed and ashamed. No more!

2: I absolutely choose to not deceive my partner. I will be open and honest about my progress.

4: I am proud to say that I have no more porn stashed anywhere. I have deleted everything!

6: Places I go to act out sexually
- Internet surf porn and masturbate.
- VR porn downloaded from the internet.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Oct 09, 2016 8:02 am 
Offline
Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2010 8:54 am
Posts: 1377
HI Lightsoul

I like your action plans - there is a lot of proactive and practical detail here. This is vital as a reminder of what we can actually do to lead a healthy life. Like - eat fish! It sounds silly, but it is easy to be idealistic. Like: be a great person all day long.

One thing to ponder. There are a lot of plans here, a lot of new demands on your time. Aim high - this is important. But don't put yourself under extra pressure by meditating, running, be good to your wife, eating fish etc. The danger is you start at 110% and then feel disappointed that you are not living up to your aims.

Pick one or two things to work on each week. install them and integrate them into you life. ONce there, work on a new plan. Build a healthy life from the ground floor up. You dont need to build a skyscraper in one day.

But good work. ONe more thing. Be positive. The 'Don't...' construction is for boundaries. For plans, be positive. This is what you will do - not what you won't.

Shaw


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Oct 09, 2016 12:18 pm 
Offline

Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2016 8:09 am
Posts: 46
Thanks shaw!
Appreciate the input :)


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2016 7:45 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2016 8:09 am
Posts: 46
Lesson 12

Patterns I currently recognize in myself in relation to an unhealthy recovery.
- Addiction prone, jumping from addiction to addiction to get that emotional boost/high. Trying to be the best etc.
- Fearing triggers altering my life.
- I tend to see life in episodes with beginnings and endings rather than as a process.
- I often experience extreme emotions when acting out, extreme guilt.
- I experience selfish thoughts when I relapse. ¨Why do I cause myself so much pain¨ ¨im weak¨etc.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2016 10:41 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Aug 28, 2016 8:09 am
Posts: 46
Lesson 13

Patterns I currently recognize in myself in relation to a healthy recovery:

- In early recovery, they tend to experience relief in having their behaviors understood, and immediately seek understanding in all areas of their life. Unfortunately, this tends to overwhelm them, distract them, etc., but it is fairly common...and a good sign that their desire to change is sincere.

- They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.

- Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.

- They are not focused on controlling/ending their past behavioral patterns, but on developing new patterns that will take the place of those related to the addiction.

- They perceive "powerlessness" as a temporary term that more accurately describes their lack of skills in managing their urges.

- Relapse triggers are experienced not as a threat, but an opportunity.

- They identify their future with a healthy person that once used addiction to manage their life; not as an addict that is managing their life with healthy behavior.

- They will take a long, hard look at anything associated with their destructive past, and will voluntarily make the decision to remove these objects from their life. This refers to pornography, internet accounts, etc

- They tend to have an emotional relapse in terms of the consequences that they have effected on others — especially those closest to them. This frequently triggers true remorse, temporary depression, temporary helplessness — but is soon resolved with a commitment to making it up to people in other, more healthy ways.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 48 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 8 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group