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PostPosted: Tue Oct 18, 2016 2:28 pm 
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Lesson 15:

I have learned how to define and develop my values further. This has helped me to see the importance of my value system and the bad i can do to myself by going against it. I am now strengthening my positive values to be the person i want to be.
I have progressed far allready, i now stress less than i did in the beginning of the workshop which makes it easier to manage my emotions (and addiction :) )


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 19, 2016 8:27 am 
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Lesson 16:

Positive aspects of my addiction.

- Has helped me cope with trauma.
- Has kept me from using stronger drugs.
- Has helped me put less sexual pressure on my fiancee when she is sick.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 20, 2016 1:31 pm 
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Lesson 17:

Compulsive ritual
1. Fantasy, sensory, danger, suspense, orgasm


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 23, 2016 3:29 pm 
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Lesson 18:

My ritual evolution:
Time: evolved from short to long. 10 min to 1 hour+
Habituation: Vanilla to extreme. Magasines to vr.
Intensity: Hand masturbation to toys, creams.


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PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2016 11:50 am 
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Posts: 46
Lesson 20:

The role of porn addiction in my life:

In my teenage years I was bullied, porn was a reality escape from that world.
Whenever I had emotional overload, porn was a free haven of all those annoying emotions that gave me loads of pleasure.
When I had my first real girlfriend I did not watch porn all that much, but as the relationship slowly died,I once found myself going back to the self-soothing pornographic world.
When I was In Australia and my fiancés sickness bloomed, my emotions was hard to handle and porn was my way of destressing myself. From there it evolved to an unhealthy addiction as time went by.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 27, 2016 5:20 pm 
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Posts: 46
Lesson 21:

a:
One example is when i attempted to be the best salesman at work my first year. and failed because there was always someone better.
It also failed because it was n too ambiguous of a goal and i got burnt out.

b:
At the university i attempted to be once of the top students. I managed to come in the top 5%.
I was abble to succeed because i worked smart (and hard) in addition to going out of my own comfortsone and having the drive and motivation to show myself that i could.

c:
Recovery goals

- I want to have completed the recovery workshop by spring of 2017.
- Do minimum 2 - 3 lessons every week if I have the chance and energy.
- Keep progress in excel.
- Be proud of myself for every lesson done!


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 30, 2016 1:54 pm 
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Posts: 46
Lesson 22:

Ritual measured:
Masturbation

Primary elements involved:
Physical stimulation
Visual stimulation
Suspense
Fantasy
Orgasm

Values assigned
Physical stimulation: 3
Visual stimulation: 3
Suspense: 2
Fantasy: 1
Orgasm: 2


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 31, 2016 3:17 pm 
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Posts: 46
Lesson 23:

Having the skills to measure compulsive rituals can help me in noting where the stimulation comes from. It makes me aware that i have a choice when the urges appear. It also makes me more aware of my hidden patterns.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 01, 2016 7:19 am 
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Posts: 46
Lesson 24:

My wheel of sexual compulsion

Sensory
Danger
Suspense
Poly addictions
Fantasy
Orgasm
Past
Accomplishment


Real life examples of major sexual rituals:

Porn Masturbation:

Sensory:
Touch, Visual and auditory stimulation

Danger:
Fear of getting caught which makes me feel guilty/ashamed for doing something naughty. This heightens my stimulation

Suspense:
Looking for the perfect video finisher

Poly addictions:
Sometimes masturbate when drunk or high

Fantasy:
Imagine myself having sex with the women in the audio /videos.

Past:
Using past feelings to strengthen stimuli when masturbating

Accomplishment:
Feeling proudness when watching vanilla porn and being able to finish.

Fantasy Masturbation:

Sensory:
Touch, fantasy visualization

Danger:
Fear of getting caught which makes me feel guilty/ashamed

Fantasy:
Imagine myself with other women including my girlfriend. Image more extreme scenarios to heighten stimuli

Accomplishment:
Feeling good after having an orgasm.

Audio teasing without masturbation:

Sensory:
Audio

Suspense:
Waiting for trigger words that gives a dopamine boost.

Fantasy:
Relaxing and letting go, giving power to the recording.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 02, 2016 1:16 pm 
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Lesson 25

Masturbation ritual
1: Urge pops up when im eighter: bored, stressed or rejected by fiancé.
2: I think about a picture or another trigger for sexual emotion surge to feel good.
3: Feel down when rush disappears. Feel an even stronger urge to get that feeling back. Feel weak for feeling this way.
4: Choose to think, view listen to something erotic just a little bit.
5: Get a more intense rush of emotions. This is my point of no return. Everything feels right.
6: Go into addict mode. My choice to masturbate feels so right.
7: Masturbate and edge to get as much pleasure as possible.
8: Orgasm
9: Clean up.
10: Feeling of shame/ weakness. Stress is triggered, trying to rationalize my behavior.
11: Focus on something else to take my mind of what I just did.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2016 3:00 pm 
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Lesson 26:

Porn ritual:

1: I am eighter bored or feeling bad for some reason, when I subconsciously project a image that turns me on to give me a dopamine boost to feel better. This in turn triggers me to pursue a stronger trigger.
2: Consciously looking at web sites telling myself that I wont look at porn. Surf sites where beautiful women often appears.
3: Get further triggered when pics or movies appear. Use time to stop and stare at them, telling my self that it wont go any further.
4: I then feel so much better and convince myself that it is okay with a little peak.
5: I then get an insane rush of dopamine that I cant resist. I start touching myself outside my pants.
6: I then feel shame and weakness. But the horny feeling is overriding the shame and just makes it more intense. Feels even more right because I know its wrong.
7: By touching myself I escalate to more hardcore porn pics and videos. Point of no return.
8: Use a lot of time looking trough videos, my brain bathing in dopamine. It feels so good.
9: Shame is now gone, I embrace the situation completely.
10: Mastubration commences, I edge until I feel drained. Often this can go on for hours as I know I will feel bad when I am done.
11: I then orgasm.
12: Shame and feelings of weakness returns tenfold.
13: I then delete all internet history and clean myself up.
14: I curse at myself for doing it again when I know It hurts me.
15: Feeling bad and fighting self defeating thoughts for the rest of that evening.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2016 4:02 pm 
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Lesson 27
Two compulsive chains in my life:

1: Masturbation and porn including fantasy and weed

2: Internet surfing and sexual fantasizing. Looking for innocent triggers, getting stimulation from suspense. Get payoff when image or video appear. Going further to masturbation if I can’t control the urge.

Several rituals strung together:
Look for recognition from women due to low selfasteem. Try to get a feeling of worth from external sources. When I get a smile i feel good. If I don’t get any smiles I feel, bad. Using sexualizing fantasies to feel good again, this starts another ritual because emotions are still not balanced. Uncounciolsy I want to be stimulated so I don’t have to face my real feelings. When I get home I start my masturbation ritual telling myself that I deserve it. Feel bitterness towards women for not recognizing me. Feel better from stimulation.


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 13, 2016 8:32 am 
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Lesson 28:
-1:
1: Feeling stressed, tough life situation.
2: Think of sexual subject to manipulate emotions. Understand what im doing is not wise but do it anyways.
3: Get triggered to escalate, feels right.
4: Convince myself that I deserve it, that I need it.
5: Start surfing porn
6: Waiting for the right video to start masturbating
7: Build suspense
8: Find right video, start masturbation
9: Use stimuli enhancing cream on genitals.
10: Fantasize when masturbating.
11: Orgasm after hours of edging. Only orgasm because im feeling drained.
12: Clean up
13: Regret

-2:
Chain adds that would increase stimulation
1: Pay for phone sex after porn stimuli starts to drop
2: Use poppers or other sexual toys.
3: Use speakers instead of headphones to add danger of getting caught by gf or neighbours element.
4: Escalate porn category to get more intense feelings Anxiety, shame etc.
5: Introducing masochistic elements, pinching slapping myself.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2016 8:25 am 
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Lesson 29
I thought of a time I was severly bullied as a child.I felt strong anger which then transformed itself to tears when I let myself feel the anger fully. I now know it was a disguised form of sorrow that was stored in my body.

I also thought about times when I was a child and I saw everyone as equal. I felt so much more present then, I did not need any recognition from external sources. Life felt like a wonderful and mysterious place!

Least anxious state:
Not having control in general.

Most anxious state:
Being held down about to be beat up by a paid goon/torpedo.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2016 6:27 pm 
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Lesson 31
A:
Stressors of the last week:
Moderate: Aggravation of stomach problems and low mood.
Strong: Feeling the need to participate in bank meetings and loan application for a new highly expensive apartment. Then feeling drained and lashing out at my girlfriend blaming her for this process.
Moderate: Trying to convince mom and dad to put up security to get a loan even though they think it is too expensive.
Moderate: My girlfriend being unreceptive for my communication and being in a bad mood. Me taking it personally even though I know it is not about me.
B:
I think these stressors show that the majority of energy being drained is related not to the pursuit of my highest prioritized values but rather to one of my dark side values, which is instant gratification and physical euphoria as a result. I now know that being patient is one of the main points I need to work on! I need to enjoy the present more!
C:
Meaning and stimulation derived from my highest values:
I derive a lot of stimulation from my highest values. The one value I need to work on the most is patience and being relaxed. My stressors comes mainly from wanting to fix things right now because I don’t like uncertainty. Chasing instant gratification also gives me good feelings short term which are hindering my development long term.


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