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 Post subject: BKA Recovery Thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 17, 2016 11:35 pm 
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Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2016 8:49 pm
Posts: 30
Lesson 1:
Pt 1
Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys? Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.

1) actively committing yourself to change

This commitment to change is not something that is being taken for granted. Knowing that hard work on my part is going to be required to make this work I am encouraged that there is hope in the end to put this part of my life behind me. I am tired of living a lie!

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change

The guilt and shame were the initial motivators to begin a treatment program such as this. People I care about already know the full extent of my addiction. There is not much else to be compare to this current level of guilt and shame.

3) allowing yourself time to change.

This level of addiction did not develop overnight. Therefore I do not expect it to end overnight. It will take time to peel back all of the many layers of the addiction to fully eradicate it from my psyche.


Pt 2


1. I want to live my life in a way that is pleasing to God
2. I want to be open and transparent with my wife.
3. I want to experience the loving relationship with my wife again.
4. I want to live free from the secrets and lies of sexual addiction.
5. I want to be free of the fear of contracting an STD.
6. I want to be able to have friends and not have to worry about what will happen “if they find out”
7. I want to live a life that is not full of guilt and shame.
8. I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see looking back.
9. I want to replace a life of emotional pain with one of loving joy.
10. I want to feel like I am deserving of the love being shown to me by my wife, family and God.


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 Post subject: Re: BKA Recovery Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 19, 2016 5:31 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3856
Location: UK
Hello BKA
and welcome to RN

Quote:
I am encouraged that there is hope in the end to put this part of my life behind me


there is more than hope, but only if you really want it, there is no half way house in recovery it is all or , well you know the alternative
So if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: BKA Recovery Thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 21, 2016 12:31 am 
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Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2016 8:49 pm
Posts: 30
This is my response to the final part of Lesson one. After obtaining a picture, I tried to look at my addiction over my lifetime for what it is...How did it start? What were the causes? How did it grow? It is the first time that I have looked at it from the outside looking in...It is not a pretty picture to look at but it needed to be looked at...

As I look at this child, I see the child waiting for loving words from his mother. These words do not come. It is not that his mother does not love him; she just is not equipped to effectively show it. This builds as the years go by. The child finally finds a way to get that euphoric feeling that comes from knowing you are genuinely loved. Enter masturbation. At the age of 8-10, I found out about masturbation and the euphoric feeling brought on by orgasm. There was no pornography involved during this time, just personal gratification. The chemicals released in my brain were what I was craving. I had finally found a way to take care of my own emotional needs. When I was about 12, I was sexually abused by another boy who was 15 or so. I never told anyone that this had occurred and it continued over the next 2-3 years. During this time, my parents were embattled in a bitter divorce in which the children (my older brother and I) were used as cannon fodder and bargaining chips. Following the divorce, my mother remarried and her husband ruled the house with an iron fist and riding crop. The masturbation continued…When my brother and I would do something wrong, out came the riding crop. On one occasion, upon receiving a failing mid-term report, I was taken out of class, beaten with the riding crop and then sent back to school. This was the last straw as I was to “dress out” for PE class. Due to the welt (some of them bleeding) I refused to put on my PE clothes…for this I was sent to the office. It was there in the office that the beating was revealed and child protective services were called…I spent the rest of the school year (8th grade) in foster care. I called my father and asked if I could come and live with him, he said yes. The masturbation continued unabated. During my ninth grade year, I was sexually abused again…this time by a friend of the family. I again kept the secret hidden. Upon completion of High School (I did not graduate), I joined the Navy and I masturbated. The frequency was increasing as time went on but I still did not use pornography. Enter promiscuity…I had many different sexual partners during my first years in the Navy…some of them men…I did not care as long as I was getting sex. Enter drugs…Thankfully, I was “busted” on an urinalysis drug test early in this phase of my life. My Navy career was over…I was going to be discharged from the Navy under “Other Than Honorable” conditions. Not my best days…It was here that I met my wife…someone who loved me…The drug use stopped…the promiscuity stopped…but not the masturbation…(my little secret). I was able to turn things around and even was able to stay in the Navy. Over the first 20 years of our marriage, two wonderful children, a successful Navy career of 23 years, still the masturbation continued…what was it hurting…Then in 2009, as I entered college, the stress of going to college, working and maintaining a home life began to take its toll. It was here that I began to act out sexually. When my wife would go out of town for a night, I would frequent a local gay bar. It was here that I met a man with whom I began a sexual relation with. This relationship was ongoing for 5 years. When I moved from Virginia to Oregon…I was going to change…the masturbation continued. It was then (2012) that I discovered the “personals” on Craig’s list. Here I would surf the men’s ads (just looking)…Then when my wife was out of town for a week in 2014, I took the plunge and started replying to some of the ads. The promiscuity was back. Now I was cheating on my wife again with other men…the frequency increased and the masturbation continued. It all exploded when my wife found a text on my phone that I had failed to delete. (it is amazing how God works to have His way) My world came crashing down around my ears. I entered a men’s sexual addiction group and began working to overcome this addiction. The masturbation stopped, the surfing of Craig’s list stopped, the acting out stopped. I was going to beat this. Everything was going well for about 2 years…then the masturbation came back like an old friend. Next back was the Craig’s list. When my wife went out of town again for a long weekend, I jumped on Craig’s list to see what was available…I even posted my own ad to see who would respond. Over the course of 3 days, I had 6 different partners…The problem was escalating…Again God intervened and my wife discovered my infidelity. I was again confronted with my addiction in its entirety. This time I want to beat this addiction once and for all. The child in the picture deserves to be honored for the innocence that was lost.


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 Post subject: Re: BKA Recovery Thread
PostPosted: Sat Oct 22, 2016 9:41 pm 
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Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2016 8:49 pm
Posts: 30
Lesson 2

Personal Vision Statement
First and foremost is to be the man that God wants me to be.
This entails many different aspects…
• Putting God first in all aspects of my life
o My first thought s of the day should be focused on God
o Time specifically set aside for prayer and reading of God’s word (DAILY)
• Loving my wife unconditionally
o Regardless of what is going on, she needs to feel my love for her
o Being thoughtful
o Putting her needs first
• Actively seeking God
o Asking God for guidance in all things
o Ask forgiveness and repent (as things occur)
• Honoring God in my thoughts, words and deeds
o Filter my thoughts, words and deeds through God’s lens


This is a tall order. I currently am not sure what all of it will look like but by following God’s guidance, it is possible.


Last edited by BKA on Sat Oct 22, 2016 10:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: BKA Recovery Thread
PostPosted: Sat Oct 22, 2016 10:15 pm 
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Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2016 8:49 pm
Posts: 30
Lesson 3

Positive values

1. Integrity
2. Indulging in creative inspiration, development
3. Feeling unconditional love
4. Being respected
5. Being judged trustworthy
6. Encouraging my wife's independence
7. Passionate about life
8. Being a teacher/mentor
9. Physical health
10. Striving for excellence
11. Developing emotional maturity
12. Being loved by others
13. Loving others
14. Taking care of myself
15. Putting other’s needs before my own
16. Being considerate of myself
17. Being considerate of others
18. Sense of responsibility
19. Humbleness
20. Honesty
21. Being reliable
22. Being dependable
23. Staying active
24. Being playful
25. Providing quality in my work
26. Bringing joy to others
27. Integrating religion into my day-to-day life
28. Enhancing my spiritual awareness
29. Expressing spirituality in my day-to-day life
30. Being charitable, giving
31. Showing appreciation towards other
32. Being dedicated
33. Being an inspiration to others
34. Strengthening my role as a partner to Rosemary
35. Sharing my true self with the world around me
36. Living with compassion
Negative values
1. Selfishness
2. Denial
3. Obsession
4. Compulsiveness
5. Deceit
6. Lying
7. Hiding
8. Double life
9. Lack of integrity
10. Cheating
11. Non supportive of spouse
12. Undependable
13. Risking health of myself
14. Risking health of Rosemary
15. Putting my “wants” in front of all else
16. Inconsiderate
17. Putting my needs in front of God’s desires for me
18. Immaturity


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 Post subject: Re: BKA Recovery Thread
PostPosted: Sat Oct 22, 2016 10:59 pm 
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Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2016 8:49 pm
Posts: 30
Lesson 4

Positive values (Prioritized)
1. Expressing spirituality in my day-to-day life
2. Enhancing my spiritual awareness
3. Strengthening my role as a partner to Rosemary
4. Loving unconditionally
5. Honesty
6. Integrity
7. Developing emotional maturity
8. Putting other’s needs before my own
9. Being a teacher/mentor
10. Encouraging my wife's independence
11. Loving others
12. Being considerate of others
13. Humbleness
14. Being reliable
15. Being respected
16. Being judged trustworthy
17. Providing quality in my work
18. Bringing joy to others
19. Showing appreciation towards others
20. Living with compassion
21. Sense of responsibility
22. Being dependable
23. Being dedicated
24. Being loved by others
25. Striving for excellence
26. Being charitable, giving
27. Being an inspiration to others
28. Sharing my true self with the world around me
29. Passionate about life
30. Feeling unconditional love
31. Taking care of myself
32. Being considerate of myself
33. Physical health
34. Staying active
35. Being playful
36. Indulging in creative inspiration, development


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 Post subject: Re: BKA Recovery Thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 25, 2016 8:15 pm 
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Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2016 8:49 pm
Posts: 30
Lesson 5

1. Expressing spirituality in my day to day life
2. Enhancing my spiritual awareness
3. Strengthening my role as a partner to Rosemary
4. Loving unconditionally
5. Honesty
6. Integrity
7. Developing emotional maturity
8. Putting other’s needs before my own
9. Being a teacher/mentor
10. Encouraging my wife’s independence
11. Loving others
12. Being considerate of others
13. Humbleness
14. Being respected
15. Being reliable


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 Post subject: Re: BKA Recovery Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 26, 2016 11:06 pm 
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Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2016 8:49 pm
Posts: 30
Lesson 6
Proactive action plan
Integrity
In any given situation, make choices that reflect integrity (even if no one will know about it). Examine choices with a critical eye, look to see if the decision will be glorifying to God. If the answer to these questions is affirmative, the decision is a sound one. If there is any doubt, the decision should be re-examined to determine where the flaws are.
Being reliable
When agreeing to do something for another person, either write the request down or do the “something” in a timely manner. This will help in not becoming side tracked and forgetting about what was agreed upon.
Humbleness
When accomplishing a task, not engaging other to “see what I did”. God has seen the results of my actions and it is enough that it is “pleasing to His eye”. Not seeking recognition for what I have done.


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 Post subject: Re: BKA Recovery Thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 02, 2016 12:02 am 
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Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2016 8:49 pm
Posts: 30
Lesson 7


Values

1. Expressing spirituality in my day to day life
a. Devote time each morning for scripture reading and prayer
b. Read a daily devotional
c. Read a daily Proverb
2. Enhancing my spiritual awareness
a. Spend quiet time listening to God
b. Interact with Godly men
3. Strengthening my role as a partner to Rosemary
a. Improving/Maintaining Communication
i. Share with absolute honesty/absence of secrecy
ii. Express my emotions openly and spontaneously
iii. Express my emotions with vulnerability (e.g. without fear of being judged or rejected)
iv. Monitor Rosemary for signs of frustration and work to overcome this, not get drawn into it
v. Monitor myself for signs of frustration
vi. Initiate meaningful communication on a daily basis. Don't sit back and wait Rosemary do it
vii. Answer Rosemary's questions with more than one or two word responses
viii. If it is inconvenient for me to communicate with her at a particular time, communicate this to her. But remember my priorities and when I do communicate, be fully engaged in the communication.
b. Organization, maintenance of the home
i. Use maturity in problem solving each issue
ii. Remember that not all of life is emotionally rewarding. I will need to set aside certain times of my life to do what needs to be done so that such a burden doesn't fall to my partner
iii. Help with grocery shopping
iv. Share in meal preparation and/or clean-up
c. Support, encourage Rosemary's personal development
i. Encourage her health through compliments and endearment
ii. Explore additional options with her
iii. Staying at home
iv. Developing her career
v. Other options
d. Loving Each Other
i. Work as partners, not colleagues
ii. Reach out to each other through physical touch
iii. Being receptive to Rosemary initiating non-sexual physical touch/affection
iv. Offer verbal confirmations of appreciation, admiration, love
v. Engage in actions that will affirm that Rosemary is special
vi. Written reassurances (cards, gestures, poems)
vii. Verbal reassurances
viii. Thoughtful surprises
e. Accepting Love from Each Other
i. Acknowledge Lisa's vulnerability, risk taking towards physical affection
ii. Initiate quality 'adult time' equally
iii. Actively seek out love and validation from each other
iv. Actively communicate unfulfilled needs of wanting to feel wanted, desired
4. Loving unconditionally
a. Loving even if not being loved back.
b. Regardless of what is happening
5. Honesty
a. Strive to tell the whole truth.
b. Leave nothing out (lying by omission)
c. Be accurate
6. Integrity
a. In any given situation, make choices that reflect integrity (even if no one will know about it). Examine choices with a critical eye, look to see if the decision will be glorifying to God. If the answers these questions are affirmative, the decision is a sound one. If there is any doubt, the decision should be re-examined to determine where the flaws are.
7. Developing emotional maturity
a. Do not react to things emotionally
b. Think about what my reaction could cause or caused my reaction
c. Monitor myself for signs of frustration
d. If needed, step back from the issue to get a clearer vision of the bigger picture
8. Putting the needs of others before my own
a. In each situation, think of what others may need before taking care of my own needs.
b. Being mindful of what others are needing
9. Being a teacher/mentor
a. Teaching students the value of hard work and perseverance.
b. Teaching students the value of a job well done
c. Teaching students to appreciate their accomplishments
10. Encouraging my wife’s independence
a. Allow Rosemary the time and space she needs but
b. Be supportive of her as she branches out to others activities
11. Loving others
a. Look for the good in all people
b. Forgive others as I have been forgiven
c. Treat others as I myself want to be treated (not how I deserve to be treated)
12. Being considerate of others
a. Be mindful of how my actions will impact others
b. Be mindful of how my word will impact others
13. Humbleness
a. When accomplishing a task, not engaging others to “see what I did”. God has seen the results of my actions and it is enough that it is “pleasing to His eye”.
b. Not seeking recognition for what I have done.
c. Accept praise with humility
14. Being respected
a. By treating others with respect, respect is earned in return
b. Act in a manner that is worthy of respect
15. Being reliable
a. When agreeing to do something for another person, either write the request down or do the “something” in a timely manner. This will help in not becoming side tracked and forgetting about what was agreed upon.


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 Post subject: Re: BKA Recovery Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 03, 2016 12:07 am 
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Joined: Sun Oct 16, 2016 8:49 pm
Posts: 30
Lesson 10
Part 1
None
Part 2
Jamal…5 year affair
Male strangers…oral and anal sex
Part 3
Craig’s list personal ads…looking for hook ups
Craig’s list personal ads…posting for hook ups
Shower…masturbation


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 Post subject: Re: BKA Recovery Thread
PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2016 10:51 pm 
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Posts: 30
Lesson 12
Patterns associated with an unhealthy recovery
• One of the first ones that I see is jumping from one addiction to another. I tend to get wrapped up in things and not see the larger picture.
• I also have had a significant amount of shame and guilt involved with acting out.
• In the past, I have worked on controlling the unwanted behaviors and not replaced them with new, healthy ones.


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 Post subject: Re: BKA Recovery Thread
PostPosted: Tue Nov 08, 2016 1:08 am 
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Posts: 30
Lesson 13



• In early recovery, they tend to experience relief in having their behaviors understood, and immediately seek understanding in all areas of their life. Unfortunately, this tends to overwhelm them, distract them, etc., but it is fairly common...and a good sign that their desire to change is sincere.
• They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
• Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of.
• They make decisions based on what they believe is the right thing to do, rather than on what they think they can get away with. They know that whether these decisions end up being the right ones or not is irrelevant. That all that matters is that they were made with the right intentions in mind.
• They are not focused on controlling/ending their past behavioral patterns, but on developing new patterns that will take the place of those related to the addiction.
• They will take a long, hard look at anything associated with their destructive past, and will voluntarily make the decision to remove these objects from their life. This refers to pornography, internet accounts, etc. It does not necessarily refer to affairs where real feelings were experienced/exchanged.
• Significant others tend to experience these individuals with cautious optimism. They can see the changes taking place, but remain unable to commit to their partners fully — as they continue to doubt their own judgment (a consequence of the shocking discovery of the addiction's reality).


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 Post subject: Re: BKA Recovery Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 10, 2016 9:52 pm 
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Posts: 30
LESSON 14
Daily Monitoring

• Did I read Proverbs today
• Did I read my devotional today
• What was today’s scripture reading
• Did I pray today
• Did I initiate at least one meaningful conversation today with Rosemary
• Did I communicate with George today
• Did I pray today?
• How many times
• Was I attentive to Rosemary’s needs today
• Did I engage in any compulsive behavior today?
o If yes, did I maintain an awareness of the elements involved?
o Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual?
o If no, did I role play a past or possible future compulsive ritual to ingrain confidence in my ability to manage these rituals?


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 Post subject: Re: BKA Recovery Thread
PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2016 12:01 am 
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Posts: 30
Lesson 15

During the last two weeks, One of my daily monitoring goals was to read a Proverb each day. For the most part, I was able to complete this task in the morning. If I missed it in the morning, I would catch it in the evening. I have taken to getting up 30 minutes earlier each morning when I go to work to give myself time to pray, read a devotional and read a Proverb. I also use this time to contact one of my accountability partners via text. These activities have helped me to start my day God centered. By focusing on God first thing in the morning, I am finding the day to be less stressful.


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 Post subject: Re: BKA Recovery Thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2016 11:36 pm 
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Posts: 30
Lesson 16

Positive aspects of my addiction/addictive behaviors

- gave me feelings of adequacy
- Gave me feelings of being "wanted"
- Made me feel "worthy"
- made me feel desired

While these are all good feelings. Satisfying them in this fashion came at a high price. I was risking everything long term for the fulfillment of these short term "feelings". Additionally, these are things that I could have gotten from my spouse if I put in the time and effort to meet her needs.


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