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PostPosted: Sun Nov 13, 2016 8:57 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2016 2:00 pm
Posts: 71
Lesson 33 - Developing Emotional Maturity

Anxious when calling sons.
Embarrassed by answers of church leadership
Comfort at going to KFC
Excited to see _____
Frustrated at cognitive ability
Relief that solitude makes sense now that I’m indeed alone

Death of a loved one... Assurance
Child’s birth... Amazement
Worship... Intimate

_____ admired my courage to “do something” about decoupling.


Last edited by acceptance on Thu Jan 19, 2017 8:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 13, 2016 9:36 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2016 2:00 pm
Posts: 71
Lesson 34 - Obstacles to Emotional Maturity
relax
Allowing your guilt and shame to continue will be a major obstacle to rebuilding a life without addiction. LET IT GO
no matter what happens, you will continue to move forward.
sincerely forgive yourself
your life evolved beyond your ability to manage it
active commitment to take control of your life — and begin to feel real pride in that decision

A. Lunch today. I ate fast, at the place I’m familiar with, choosing not to wait to eat at the place I like.
B. It’s erotic to fantasize I could be understood and accepted by another.
C. Desire to know and be known. Desire for freedom. Exhaustion when finished.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2016 8:12 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2016 2:00 pm
Posts: 71
Lesson 35 - Health Monitoring II — Daily, Weekly
Daily Monitoring:
Today, I am going to look for opportunities to "________________________"
• Did I actively seek out opportunities to develop the area that I was focused on?
• Or was it more a case of 'out of sight, out of mind'?
• let it all go

Weekly Monitoring”
#1: what specific areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment.
#2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?
#3: how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means?
#4: Looking ahead, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for

5. Remind myself daily, the only person I can change myself
Forgive yourself. Move on.
Be more consistent studying God’s word
Reject sexual sin always
Work on friendship skills


Daily Monitoring:
Today, I am going to look for opportunities to [color=#FF0000]MOVE ON.[/color]
Post on mirror
• Did I actively seek out opportunities to develop the area that I was focused on?
• Or was it more a case of 'out of sight, out of mind'?
• let it all go

Weekly Monitoring”
#1: what specific areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment. Woodshop
#2: Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go? Responding to M
#3: how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Poor
#4: Looking ahead, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for? Use Calender


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2016 4:20 am 
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Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2016 2:00 pm
Posts: 71
Lesson 36 - The Role of Boundaries
I. Knowing that I believe in sexual purity with one woman, I allowed myself to fantasize selfishly, sexually outside my marriage.
II. Staying away from internet chatting will make optimal physical intimacy possible within a committed relationship with one woman.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 16, 2016 4:59 am 
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Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2016 2:00 pm
Posts: 71
Lesson 37 - Identifying Personal Boundaries
1. Trust God completely
Rule #1 When in doubt, I will consult God’s word for direction
Rule #2 I will look to Jesus as an example
Rule #3 I will depend on the Holy Spirit for strength
Rule #4 I will ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom confidently
Rule #1 I will look to God’s design for sexual intimacy

2. Love Myself
Rule #1 I will forgive myself quickly
Rule #2 I will quickly accept God’s grace
Rule #3 I will look to God’s design for sexual intimacy
Rule #4 Scheduling rest will be a priority
Rule #5 I will deepen friendships with other Christians

3. Fully and quickly CHOOSE GRACE when I fall short
Rule #1 I will forgive myself quickly
Rule #2 I will quickly accept God’s grace in time of need
Rule #3 I will remember God’s grace is a gift
Rule #4 I will remember God’s grace is sufficient
Rule #5 I will remember God’s power is made perfect in my weakness

• Absolute boundary #1: I will not do anything that I cannot openly tell my wife about.
• Absolute boundary #2: I will act in the way that I want my son to act if he were in this situation.
• Absolute boundary #3: I will act in the way that I want my daughter's husband to act if he were in this situation.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2016 7:00 am 
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Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2016 2:00 pm
Posts: 71
Lesson 38 - Developing Healthy Boundaries
When a boundary has been crossed, a value has been infringed upon
When a value has been infringed upon, action is required to protect the values that have been jeopardized
Be able to develop uniquely specific boundaries as a particular event is taking place.
Trusting your existing boundaries and values is the healthiest way of proceeding in all new life events—by far.
Pay particular attention to the consequences of your choice when you temporarily change your boundaries.

1. Trust God completely
Rule #5 I will look to God’s design for sexual intimacy
Situation #1 Sharing physical intimacy with someone outside a committed relationship with one woman
Situation #2 Sharing physical intimacy before developing emotional and spiritual intimacy

3. Fully and quickly CHOOSE GRACE when I fall short
Rule #5 I will remember God’s power is made perfect in my weakness
Situation #1 Attempting to live life on my own strength
Situation #2 Attempting to live life own my own wisdom


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2017 6:32 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2016 2:00 pm
Posts: 71
Lesson Thirty-Nine
Healthy Sexual Boundaries

social skills, family relationships, past traumatic events, financial responsibility, time management and parenting
willingness to examine themselves openly,
accept their current sexual identity "as is",
to put forth the effort to learn new things,
to be vulnerable during this learning process,
and in their willingness to let go of their past sexual identity.
Experience, variety, enthusiasm, passion, stamina may all be impressive, outside of the context of true intimacy
more accurately described as sexual performers who harvest all of the emotional stimulation from fantasy.
true intimacy with a woman partner capable of providing more powerful and longer-lasting emotional effects
seeking immediate emotional intensity through sexual acts...as opposed to engaging in sexual acts with the purpose of enhancing existing emotional intensity (e.g. love, intimacy, communication, passion)
compulsive masturbation sexual activity is a self-centered act
healthy masturbation is engaged in to nurture and explore
In all compulsive sexual behavior, it is the lack of ingrained healthy values that are at the foundation of the problem

Step 1 Take Inventory of Your Current Sexual Values
• Women don’t enjoy sex
• Women don’t know how to have sex
• Women fear intimacy
• I like my emotional breadth
• I’m a little afraid of sex
• I think I’m bisexual
• I believe God’s design for sex is the best sex
• My masturbation has been selfish
• I thought all women liked cunnilingus
• If my wife won’t have sex with me, something is wrong with the relationship
• I would enjoy being restrained and sexually teased
• I wonder why my anus is so sensitive
• I’m very oral
• I have a hard time telling my partner when something is uncomfortable
• Sex is for worship
• Sex is for pleasure
• Sex is wrong outside of a committed heterosexual relationship
• I wish sex was more trial and see what works
• I enjoy the comfort of my partner holding my scrotum
• I’d like to learn how to sexually satisfy my lover consistently
• Kissing should always be included with good sex
• I enjoy being embarrassed about how I enjoy certain aspects of sex
• I enjoy mumbling out loud my feelings during sex
• I like how a woman’s body is different than mine
• I enjoy showing off my genitals to my partner
• I wish my genital hair was thicker
• Sometimes I haven’t had the patience to improve sex with my partner
• I’ve used people online in the past
• The best sex would be with another woman who loves Jesus
• I enjoy a beautiful body on a woman
• I like to hold my woman close, face to face
• I enjoy laughing during sex
• Music can enhance sex
• Scents can enhance sex
• I really like to please my lover
• Part of good sex is the resolution phase
• I hate to share my lover during sex with a cellphone
• I want all of my lover
• Prayer can add to good sex
• A spouse’s should have sex within 24 hours if asked
• Tickling is a fun part of sex
• Crude language is sometimes a part of passionate sex
• Most women don’t know how to enjoy sex
• Masturbating thinking about my wife is ok if she is physically absent for days
• Internet chatting is like adultery for me
• I hate sharing my sexuality with anyone except the woman I am committed to
• I’d like to try anything once with my wife
• My previous relationships made me insecure about my ability to satisfy a woman
• I hate behaving outside my convictions
• In the past I have made my wife an idol
• I enjoy watching my wife give me fellatio
• I like to fall asleep together after sex
• Physical activity can add to sex readiness
• I can understand how the LGBT movement has grown with people needing oneness
• I love to please my lover
• I hate being used
• I hate competing with anyone else during sex
• A woman’s body still amazes me
• Compassion arouses me in anyone
• Same-sex attraction can be jealousy on my part
• I hate rejection
• My sex drive isn’t what it used to be
• My soles are incredibly ticklish
• Reassuring touch is comforting
• Sunlight is great for sex
• I enjoy being used for sex
• Adoration adds to sex
• I’m probably overly sensitive
• Women should keep their pubic hair trimmed
• Respect is a big part of sex
• Sunday’s a great day for sex
• Trust is a huge part of sex
• A wife should know how to arouse her husband visually
• Sex has less power over me now
• It’s foolish to act sexually against one’s convictions
• A woman brings something to a relationship that another man can never bring
• A couple can stay away from sex for awhile for prayer and fasting
• Internet chatting is not real relationship
• Viewing pornography is a selfish

Step 2 Define an Ideal Ending
• I will be a compassionate, considerate, learning sexual partner
• I will be spiritually and emotionally intimate before being sexually intimate
• Masturbation will only be with a view for a committed lifelong relationship with a woman
• I will not use internet chatting or pornography for selfish fantasy

Step 3 Define a Beginning
• I like my emotional breadth
• I’m a little afraid of sex
• I believe God’s design for sex is the best sex
• My masturbation has been selfish
• I thought all women liked cunnilingus
• If my wife won’t have sex with me, something is wrong with the relationship
• I would enjoy being restrained and sexually teased
• I wonder why my anus is so sensitive
• I’m very oral
• I have a hard time telling my partner when something is uncomfortable
• Sex is for worship
• Sex is for pleasure
• Sex is wrong outside of a committed heterosexual relationship
• I wish sex was more trial and see what works
• I enjoy the comfort of my partner holding my scrotum
• I’d like to learn how to sexually satisfy my lover consistently
• I enjoy being embarrassed about how I enjoy certain aspects of sex
• I enjoy mumbling out loud my feelings during sex
• I like how a woman’s body is different than mine
• I enjoy showing off my genitals to my partner
• Sometimes I haven’t had the patience to improve sex with my partner
• The best sex would be with another woman who loves Jesus
• I enjoy a beautiful body on a woman
• I like to hold my woman close, face to face
• I enjoy laughing during sex
• Music can enhance sex
• Scents can enhance sex
• I really like to please my lover
• Part of good sex is the resolution phase
• I hate to share my lover during sex with a cellphone
• I want all of my lover
• Prayer can add to good sex
• Tickling is a fun part of sex
• Crude language is sometimes a part of passionate sex
• Masturbating thinking about my wife is ok if she is physically absent for days
• Internet chatting is like adultery for me
• I hate sharing my sexuality with anyone except the woman I am committed to
• I’d like to try anything once with my wife
• My previous relationships made me insecure about my ability to satisfy a woman
• I hate behaving outside my convictions
• In the past I have made my wife an idol
• I enjoy watching my wife give me fellatio
• I like to fall asleep together after sex
• Physical activity can add to sex readiness
• I can understand how the LGBT movement has grown with people needing oneness
• I love to please my lover
• I hate competing with anyone else during sex
• A woman’s body still amazes me
• My soles are incredibly ticklish
• Reassuring touch is comforting
• Sunlight is great for sex
• I enjoy being used for sex
• Adoration adds to sex
• I’m probably overly sensitive
• Respect is a big part of sex
• Sunday’s a great day for sex
• Trust is a huge part of sex
• A wife should know how to arouse her husband visually
• It’s foolish to act sexually against one’s convictions
• A woman brings something to a relationship that another man can never bring
• A couple can stay away from sex for awhile for prayer and fasting
• Internet chatting is not real relationship
• Viewing pornography is a selfish

Step 4 Define Your Existing Vulnerabilities
• A counselor may encourage sexual activity outside my convictions.
• Feigning relationship on the Internet cheats me of the rewards of a genuine relationship.
• Masturbation for selfish reasons cheats my woman and me of the blessings of doing sex God’s way.
• Look to biblical truth to understand masculinity, sexual confidence, and intimacy.
• Honest sexual freedom within a committed confidant relationship is pleasurable, earned & prepared for.
• Fully love Jesus first with all your heart, soul, mind and strength – next love your woman and yourself, similarly.

Step 5 Ask for Feedback
Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development “I like my emotional breadth”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value

• I will allow myself to laugh, cry, speak crudely, pray, be excited, etc
• I will educate my lover concerning my emotional breadth
• I will encourage my lover to feel free to express her emotional breadth
• I will self-disclose my conviction that God’s design for sex involves great freedom between one man & one woman
• I will express my gratefulness after sex to my lover and to our God

Step 8 Observe Others
Take note of the sexual values that you see in others, and then filter those values into your current foundation
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
The most effective way — evaluating current situations in real time
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
• My lover may not like me
• We will have to develop trust first
• My lover may have sexual hang-ups or sexual baggage.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
From the feedback received from others...from your own assessing of the consequences of your value-based decisions...continue to make adjustments to your existing values and boundaries.

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development “I’m a little afraid of sex”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value

• I will be honest with my partner with my anxiety about sex
• I will rely on the Holy Spirit living inside me for strength
• I’ll live by my convictions: “Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence” 1 John 3:21
• I’ll live with masculine maturity: “Put to death what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity...” Colossians 3:5

Step 8 Observe Others
take note of the sexual values that you see in others, then filter those values into your current foundation
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
the most effective way — evaluating current situations in real time
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
• My lover may not like me
• We will have to develop trust first
• My lover may have sexual hang-ups or sexual baggage.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
From the feedback received from others...from your own assessing of the consequences of your value-based decisions...continue to make adjustments to your existing values and boundaries.

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development “I believe God’s design for sex is the best sex”

Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value

• I will continue to read my bible so I know what God’s design is!
• I’ll guard against the Deceiver, and stick to my convictions.
• I’ll develop emotional and spiritual intimacy prior to physical intimacy

Step 8 Observe Others
Some LGBT people enjoy the freedom of good sex with a committed partner
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
the most effective way — evaluating current situations in real time
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
• My wife may desire to live an Ephesians sexual lifestyle
• I’m not going to have sex until I have a committed relationship with a woman
• Serving and sacrifice is central to Godly sex.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
From the feedback received from others...from your own assessing of the consequences of your value-based decisions...continue to make adjustments to your existing values and boundaries.

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development “My masturbation has been selfish”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• I will not masturbate alone when I have a committed relationship with a woman
• I will recognize God’s power is stronger than any sexual time alone.
• I will be grateful for the woman I will eventually become one with, if I choose to masturbate.
• I am grateful the sexual freedom God gives a committed man and woman
• I will maintain self-control over my sexual behavior.

Step 8 Observe Others
It is self-centered masturbation that diminishes who I am.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
Don’t fantasize using others for selfish sexual relief
Avoid Internet chatting that uses others for selfish relief
Avoid pornography that sets up future relationships for failure.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
• In the past selfish masturbation has been temporally related to my episodes
• Selfish masturbation leaves a 57 year old male unable to satisfy his wife
• Selfish masturbation cheats yourself out of undiscovered blessings
• Selfish masturbation cheats your wife out of undiscovered blessings
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
Ask your wife to show you what arouses her
Ask your wife if you can show her what arouses you
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
From the feedback received from others...from your own assessing of the consequences of your value-based decisions...continue to make adjustments to your existing values and boundaries.

• Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development “I thought all women liked cunninglingus”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• I will seek to learn what my woman enjoys sexually.
• I will offer to experiment with my woman sexually.
• I will serve my woman sexually in the ways she enjoys.
• I will not denigrate my woman for her sexual preferences.
Step 8 Observe Others
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
Avoid Internet chatting that uses others for selfish fantasy.
Avoid pornography that sets up future relationships for challenges.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
• A woman with past sexual abuse may not enjoy cunninglingus.
• A sexually repressed woman may contribute to frustration in intimacy.
• A woman who enjoys cunninglingus may be more sexually free within the bonds of marriage.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
Ask your wife to show you how to please her with your tongue and lips
Listen to her moans and breathing while you please her.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
From the feedback received from others...from your own assessing of the consequences of your value-based decisions...continue to make adjustments to your existing values and boundaries.

• Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“If my wife won’t have sex with me, something is wrong with the relationship”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Ask her if there’s something she want’s to pray about.
• Ask her if she wants to fast for some reason.
• Ask her if I’ve hurt her in some way.
• Be transparent and self-divulge your desire for physical intimacy
• Look for ways to serve and sacrifice for her.
Step 8 Observe Others
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
Look for ways to serve and sacrifice for her
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
• Don’t settle for sex outside of your covenant commitment.
• Don’t settle for selfish masturbation.
• Be ever vigilant for the Deceiver who seeks to destroy.
• As the spiritual leader, begin prayer and fasting.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
Ask your wife how you can serve her.
Look for ways you can sacrifice for your wife.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
From the feedback received from others...from your own assessing of the consequences of your value-based decisions...continue to make adjustments to your existing values and boundaries.

• Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
• “I would enjoy being restrained and sexually teased”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Establish solid trust first with emotional and spiritual intimacy.
• Don’t be afraid to discuss sexual opportunities within the bounds of a hetersexual relationship.
• Have a safety escape word.
• Discover what your wife secretly might enjoy.
• Maintain your spiritual leadership position.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Only together.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
• Don’t give up your leadership position
• Look for ways to sexually satisfy your wife.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
From the feedback received from others...from your own assessing of the consequences of your value-based decisions...continue to make adjustments to your existing values and boundaries.

• Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development “I wonder why my anus is so sensitive”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Keep a clean anus
• Self-divulge that fact to your wife or committed female lover
• Protect your anus from damage
• Do not sabotage any future relationship by using your anus for selfish stimulation.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Only together.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
• Establish trust before revealing potentially damaging personal facts
• Only include anal stimulation in a committed heterosexual relationship.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback.
• Commit to learn your wife’s unique sexual preferences without judgment
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
From the feedback received from others...from your own assessing of the consequences of your value-based decisions...continue to make adjustments to your existing values and boundaries.

• Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development “I’m very oral”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Learn to use your lips, tongue and suction to pleasure your wife.
• Take your time with cunninglingus.
• Protect your lips from damage.
• Relish evenings of only kissing.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Pay attention to good kissing in movies and TV.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Kiss your wife every morning and every evening.
• Kiss her cheeks, lips, eyelids, neck, ears, breasts, inner thighs
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
• Find ways to use your oral talents to satisfy HER, not you.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback.
• Learn what type of kissing she enjoys, where, how, etc.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
From the feedback received from others...from your own assessing of the consequences of your value-based decisions...continue to make adjustments to your existing values and boundaries.

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
• “I have a hard time telling my partner when something is uncomfortable”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Gently show her when something hurts.
• Guide her hands, body, and face.
• Verbally affirm her when something feels good.
• Keep some lubrication handy multiple places.
Step 8 Observe Others
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Always speak positively.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
• Suggest alternatives.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback.
• Ask her how she would like you to tell her when something is uncomfortable.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
From the feedback received from others...from your own assessing of the consequences of your value-based decisions...continue to make adjustments to your existing values and boundaries.

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development “Sex can include Worship”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Great sex includes worship of the Creator of sex
• Never worship your lover or sexual feelings.
• Prayer is appropriate during sex.
• Great sex includes gratefulness.
Step 8 Observe Others
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Praise God for sexual oneness.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
• Remember God is a jealous God.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback.
• Listen to the Holy Spirit’s murmurings.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
From the feedback received from others...from your own assessing of the consequences of your value-based decisions...continue to make adjustments to your existing values and boundaries.

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development “Sex is for pleasure”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• The best pleasure comes from being with a woman you are in Covenant with
• Being naked together without shame is the best pleasure.
• The best pleasure is with a suitable helper.
• Love your wife as your own body.
• Don’t have a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or coarse joking.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Enjoy your exclusive physical intimacy with your own cistern.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Be a spiritual leader in knowing how to enjoy physical intimacy.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
• Be humble enough to get help if sex remains unpleasurable.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback.
• Learn to please your helpmate the ways she longs for.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
From the feedback received from others...from your own assessing of the consequences of your value-based decisions...continue to make adjustments to your existing values and boundaries.

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“Sex is wrong outside of a committed heterosexual relationship”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Establish emotional and spiritual intimacy first with any potential female partner.
• Know your biblical convictions.
• Save your sexuality intimacy for a woman you are committed to.
• Don’t cheat on your wife by selfishly masturbating alone.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Try to be around other committed married couples who are sexually successful.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Learn how to generate anticipation in your wife.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
• Accept Grace quickly when you fail.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
• Save sex for your committed heterosexual relationship

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
• “I wish sex was more trial and see what works”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Keep your trials between you and your committed female helper.
• Do your Due Diligence ahead of time to discover any sexual abuse history.
• Look for someone sexually adventurous.
• Look at failure as positive - learning what doesn’t work.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Acknowledge other committed couples may have more experience and wisdom.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Be adventurous.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
• Monitor your helpmate’s words, reactions, body language.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback.
• Ask her what she would like to try.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Don’t be afraid to suggest variations to see what works”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I enjoy the comfort of my partner holding my scrotum”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Let your lover know, holding your scrotum communicates safety.
• Let her know it communicates vulnerability.
• Relish her touch – you will not always have it.
• Ask her what you can do to make her feel safe and protected.
Step 8 Observe Others
• How do other show safety, protection, and trust?
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Place her hand where you want it.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
• Guide her hand.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback.
• Ask her is there anything you can do to make her feel safe.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Show your wife how holding your scrotum makes you feel safe”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I’d like to learn how to sexually satisfy my lover consistently”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Ask my committed female lover what makes her feel safe.
• Have her show me what tantalizes her.
• Never rush. Spend more time in foreplay.
• Be open to her ideas that don’t conflict with our convictions.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Keep refreshed with how a husband loves his wife in Ephesians.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Practice sacrificing for her.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
• Learn from the times you put yourself first.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback.
• Remember the nuances of what makes her feel complete.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Keep learning to sexually satisfy your wife consistently”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I enjoy being embarrassed about how I enjoy certain aspects of sex”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Build trust in order to be vulnerable.
• Risk self-disclosure in emotional and physical intimacy.
• Enjoy the freedom of sex with a committed woman.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Be observant of what your wife may enjoy that she hesitates to share.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Build your emotional foundation in order to take advantage of privacy opportunities.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
• Evaluate words, thoughts, and behaviors that grieve your conscious.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback.
• Cherish your wife’s differences in hidden desires.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Learn to share potentially embarrassing sexual thoughts, feelings, & desires within your relationship”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I enjoy mumbling out loud my feelings during sex”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Let yourself be free during sexual times with your wife.
• Tell her how you delight in her body!
• Enjoy your masculinity with your wife.
Step 8 Observe Others
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Be cognizant of your feelings during lovemaking.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences
• Evaluate the effect your words have on your lover.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback..
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Enjoy mumbling out loud your feelings during sex”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I like how a woman’s body is different than mine”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Relish her hips.
• Relish her breasts.
• Relish her feminine manner.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Admire how a woman is created differently as a complement to a man.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Praise her body and manner always.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Ask her how you can satisfy her.
• Ask her how you can comfort her.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“I love how a woman’s body is different than mine”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I enjoy showing off my genitals to my partner”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Don’t be afraid to enjoy your masculinity.
• Show your wife what pleasures you.
• Relish her body also.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Avoid narcissism.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• First convince her that she is above all others.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Make sure she knows she is first.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Earn your wife’s confidence to enjoy your masculinity with her.”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“Sometimes I haven’t had the patience to improve sex with my partner”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Remember that woman made it good that man was no longer alone.
• Understand a woman brings her different emotional weaknesses.
• Endeavor for Patience - the fourth fruit of the Spirit.
• Because of your faith... nothing will be impossible for you Matthew 17:20
Step 8 Observe Others
• Try to surround yourself with couple who have matured with years together.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Show her that you love her with all your heart, soul, mind, and then her body like she desires.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Remember that haste does not create the confidence in her you desire.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Ask her how you can improve emotional, spiritual and physical intimacy with her.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
• Remember what satisfies her completely.

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“The best sex would be with another woman who loves Jesus”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Remember it was only good after God made woman to complete man.
• Look for a woman with a similar vision of what a great marriage is.
• Know God’s Word by reading it.
• Spiritual intimacy can only come with a woman who also loves God and His ways.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Look at couples who both know, love, obey, and serve Jesus.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• First pray, serve, worship, or study with a woman before physical intimacy.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Remember what happened in your life when you sinned.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Ask her to serve, or worship, or study God’s Word together.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“The best sex would be with another woman who loves Jesus”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I enjoy a beautiful body on a woman”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• God doesn’t make junk.
• A woman is man’s suitable helper.
• Be naked and unashamed with the woman God brings to you.
• Outer beauty fades in women and men.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Learn from married couples who allow their spouse to take in their beauty.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Enjoy looking lustfully at your own wife.
• Look away from other beautiful woman.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Don’t entertain lustful thoughts when looking at other women.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Always have her permission to be naked and unashamed with her.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Enjoy the beauty of your own wife”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I like to hold my woman close, face to face”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Discuss sex before marriage.
• Make sure your woman knows you relish being close to her.
• Worship together when naked together.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Learn from married couples who allow their spouse to take in their beauty.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Make her feel safe.
• Whisper in her ear how you love looking at her up close.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Learn her facial body language.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Refine the way you physically love her based on her verbal and non-verbal responses.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Make your wife feel close and safe by the way you hold her”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I enjoy laughing during sex”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Discuss good sex before any sex.
• Be transparent when naked together.
• Make your woman feel safe when naked together.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Practice emotional intimacy before any physical intimacy.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Enjoy laughing together anytime.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Learn how laughing affects your own arousal.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Be naked, unashamed, and curious.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Enjoy honest emotions during sex together”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“Music can enhance sex”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Have playlists for different moods.
• Know what makes your lady feel safe
• Know what makes her feel free and unashamed.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Take note of music videos that enhance the couple’s lovemaking.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Try different playlists with your woman.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Adjust your playlists accordingly.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Write down what makes your woman feel safe and adventurous.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Music enhances sex”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“Scents can enhance sex”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Have plugin scents available.
• Have candles available.
• Relish natural scents.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Take note of scents in movies that enhance a couple’s lovemaking.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Try different scents with your woman.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Remember what arouses her.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Get her opinion in scent shops.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Scents can enhance sex”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I really like to please my lover”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Discover what arouses your woman.
• Experiment sexually with your woman.
• Teach her to allow you to pleasure her sexually.
• The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. 1 Cor 7:4
Step 8 Observe Others
• Look for ways you can serve your wife.
• Look for ways you can sacrifice for your wife.
• Encourage your wife to teach you ways you can sexually please her.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Set aside times when you will solely pleasure her in the way she desires.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Be flexible with her sexual preferences.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Make her feel safe to tell you her secret desires.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.” Eph 5:28

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“Part of good sex is the resolution phase”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Enjoy holding your woman close after sex
• Make the resolution phase special for her.
• Leave time to come together after sex.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Learn from better role-models how to finish sex.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Pray with your wife after sex.
• Hold her safely after sex.
• Keep your phones off after sex.
• Keep a towel close when sex might occur.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Don’t cheat yourselves out of the last part of the sex.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Ask what she looks forward to after sex.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“good sex is includes excitement , plateau , orgasm , and resolution.”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I hate to share my lover during sex with a cellphone”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Prioritize your lover over electronics
• Phone calls and texts can wait during sex.
• Show her she can have all of you – Tell her you want all of her.
• Put your phones in a drawer during sex.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Learn from other’s mistakes.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Don’t even look at your phone during sex.
• Mute phones during sex.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Talk later about what happens when one of you interrupt sex to take a text or call.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Ask her how you can prioritize her above others.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Mute cell phones during sex”


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2017 6:34 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2016 2:00 pm
Posts: 71
Lesson Thirty-Nine (Continued)
Healthy Sexual Boundaries


Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I want all of my lover”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Look for a woman with the same vision of a covenant relationship that you have.
• Be cognizant of any divided loyalties she may have (parents, children, money, sexual abuse)
• After your love for Jesus, give her all of your love.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Learn from others who are living a covenant marriage.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Choose your wife when you must choose.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Sleep soundly always knowing you chose your wife.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Ask her if she knows she comes before all others.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Let your wife know you desire all of her, and will give her all of you.”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“Prayer can add to good sex”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Establish spiritual intimacy before sexual intimacy
• Rest in being under God’s authority
• Confess your sin first.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Watch, listen and learn from mentors who have chosen covenant marriage.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Choose your wife when you must choose.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Sleep soundly always knowing you chose your wife.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Ask her if she knows she comes before all others.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Spiritual intimacy is a prerequisite for physical intimacy.”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“Tickling is a fun part of sex”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Know her sensitive spots
• Enjoy the moment
• Make sure she feels safe
Step 8 Observe Others
• Watch, listen and learn from good ticklers.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Seize the moment without being obnoxious.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Know her body language.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Ask her what she enjoys that you try.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Touch can be fun without being sexual.”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“Crude language is sometimes a part of passionate sex”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Earn her trust
• Self-disclose with her & be transparent
• Make sure she feels safe with you
• Obtain her permission
Step 8 Observe Others
• Watch, listen and learn from lovers who can self-disclose.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Know when you’re alone together.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Learn her body language.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Make sure she was not offended.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Crude language can be a part of passionate sex.”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“Masturbating thinking about my wife is ok if she is physically absent for days”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Practice self-control
• Know what arouses you about your wife
• Stay away from pornography and internet chatting
Step 8 Observe Others
• Thinking about someone else cheats her and you.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Practice self-control.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Practice quick grace.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Always let her know.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Masturbating thinking about my wife is ok if she is physically absent for days.”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“Internet chatting is like adultery for me”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Internet chatting robs you of the possible rewards of a genuine relationship.
• Internet chatting feeds the fear of being rejected. SO WHAT!
• Internet chatting denies the omnipresence of God
• Internet chatting uses others.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Remember how many would disconnect.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Practice kindness, goodness, and gentleness.
• BE MODEST, HUMBLE, AND UNPRETENTIOUS
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Live with a clear conscious.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Use your trusted Christian advisors.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Internet chatting is like adultery for me.”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I hate sharing my sexuality with anyone except the woman I am committed to”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Your sexuality is precious. Share it accordingly.
• Don’t waste your sexuality on just anyone.
• If the emotional and spiritual intimacy is there, consider being naked and unashamed.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Most waste their sexuality.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Don’t fear experimenting sexually with special women.
• Have the courage to do your sexual due diligence.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Don’t use others sexually.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Ask your special woman for her sexual opinions.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Do your sexual Due-Diligence with those woman you could commit to.”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I’d like to try anything once with my wife”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Select a woman who is sexually adventurous.
• Select a woman who is sexually courageous.
• Make sure you enjoy swimming in your own cistern, before you buy it.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Remember the frustration of being alone with your wife.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Be ready and willing to try anything once with her.
• Earn her respect so she will share her body with you always.
• Yield your body to your wife, as she has authority over your body.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• If it doesn’t do anything for you both, now you’ll both know.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Earn the trust of your special woman so she’ll share her hidden sexual desires with you.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Earn the trust of your special woman so she’ll share her hidden sexual desires with you”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“My previous relationships made me insecure about my ability to satisfy a woman”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• I can be sexually confident because God’s Spirit lives in me.
• Get on your knees and ask for wisdom – Your woman may be hurting.
• Love her like your own body.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Perfect love casts out fear.
• God blesses the one who trusts in the Lord.
• The person who trusts in God has no need to fear because their roots are established from daily abiding in the truth.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Daily abide in the truth.
• Focus on today. Don’t ever stumble over what’s behind you. Neither trip over tomorrow.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Insecurity is a tool of the liar/deciever.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Be sincere when asking her how you can satisfy her sexually.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Perfect love casts out fear, including sexual insecurity.”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
I hate behaving outside my convictions
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Know your sexual convictions.
• Give yourself grace quickly when you fail.
• Understand the downside of acting outside your convictions.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Others may have a more successful set of convictions.
• Narcissism hinders relationships.
• What is it about couples who successfully cleave?
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Understand your shortcomings.
• Learn to be a confidant first.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Sex without a close friendship is empty.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Pray for wisdom.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Learn to be a close confidant first – sexual intimacy will follow.”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“In the past I have made my wife an idol”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Keep your love for Jesus highest.
• Making your partner an idol puts them in a position they can’t possibly fulfill.
• It’s tempting to make sex an idol.
Step 8 Observe Others
• ANY idol will contribute to anxiety.
• Masculine sacrificial love takes practice.
• Study whether you are one of those men who can live alone.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Try dating again..
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• What does it take to be a true confidant?
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Attempt to understand others motivations when they pass you by.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Be friendly – self divulge – help others”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I enjoy watching my wife give me fellatio”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Communicate clearly to your woman what you enjoy.
• Find out what she enjoys sexually.
• Allow her the pleasure of servicing you.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Notice what rocks her world.
• Make her feel safe with you.
• Encourage her to share her desires with you.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Be honest with her sexually.
• Pleasure her too!
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Does she enjoy pleasing you?
• Get professional help if needed.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Ask her how you can make it pleasurable for her too.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Educate your lover how to please you sexually”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I like to fall asleep together after sex”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Leave time for resolution after orgasm.
• Make her comfortable after sex..
Step 8 Observe Others
• Don’t hurry sex.
• Earn her trust long before any sex.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Do your bedtime chores before sex.
• Have everything you need near the bed
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Wake up refreshed.
• Keep phones mute during and after sex
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Inquire if she has everything she needs to sleep after lovemaking.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Have everything near after lovemaking to fall asleep together”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“Physical activity can add to sex readiness”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Prepare for lovemaking with aerobic exercise.
• Love yourself with aerobic exercise.
• Strength exercises can keep yourself attractive.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Observe, but don’t lust at the gym.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Take care of your mind with aerobic exercise.
• Take care of your body with strength exercises.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Keep stretching.
• Look for ways to enhance memory.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Listen to your body.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Physical activity adds to sex prowess”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I can understand how the LGBT movement has grown with people needing oneness”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Show compassion.
• Decide where you will get truth from.
• Remember know one can fill the void in us that longs for a restored relationship with God.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Learn compassion from compassionate people.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Look for ways you can love those who think differently.
• Spend time with God every day.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Is the grass greener? ... or just different grass?
• Be forgiving of others and yourself.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Keep listening to God.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Have no other idols – male or female”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I love to please my lover”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Look for ways you can serve your lover.
• Allow yourself to be pleased by your lover.
• Learn what is, and isn’t pleasing to your lover.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Spend time around happily married couples.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Be humble – willing to do menial tasks
• Learn and do what is pleasing to her.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Listen, feel, watch, taste, smell.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Ask her, her favorite parts of lovemaking.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Please your lover the way she enjoys”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I hate competing with anyone else during sex”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Turn off your phones during sex.
• Select private times and places for sex.
• Be fully engaged during lovemaking.
Step 8 Observe Others
• What happens to unfaithful people?
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Turn off your phone during sex
• Give your wife your full attention during sex.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• How do you feel when sex is interrupted?
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Ask her if you complete her.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Engage fully during lovemaking”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“A woman’s body still amazes me”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Appreciate how a woman is made complementary.
• Don’t cheat yourself of the opportunity to experience completeness.
• Realize God is omniscient. His design is best for intimacy.
Step 8 Observe Others
• What couples appear most complete?
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Date women.
• Have a LTR with a woman. You can still be emotionally close with a man.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• When did you have episodes?
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Continue to try to understand your woman.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Allow your woman’s body to amaze you”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“My soles are incredibly ticklish”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Let your partner know you’re ticklish.
• Be vulnerable.
• Embrace your weaknesses.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Where is she most vulnerable?
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Allow yourself to be restrained.
• Keep clean feet.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• What does being vulnerable do for you as a couple?
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Does she enjoy being in control?
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Be vulnerable with your lover”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“Reassuring touch is comforting”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Share your love languages with your partner.
• Be vulnerable.
• Model reassuring touch.
Step 8 Observe Others
• How do solid Christian couples touch?
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Hold hands.
• Place your arm on her back reassuringly.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Compare isolating yourself versus reaching out.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Does she like to be touched? In public? In private?
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Lead with Reassuring touch”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“Sunlight is great for sex”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Prepare private sunny places for lovemaking.
• Spend time outside.
• Maintain adequate rest at night.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Ask your love to sunbath together
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Consider an All-inclusive resort
• Build another shower outside.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• What happens when you spend time together outside in the sun?
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Does she enjoy being in the sun? Where? Doing what?
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Schedule time outside daily in the sun.”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I enjoy being used for sex”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Be open with your lover while dating.
• Be willing to experiment with your lover.
• Takes risks with your lover.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Enjoy provocative movies together.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Make it easy for her to use you for her pleasure during lovemaking
• Give her permission to use you for her pleasure.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Does she enjoy embracing her sexuality?
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• How can you make yourself available to her as a man?
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Embrace sexual freedom with your lover.”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“Adoration adds to sex”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Adore your lover.
• Keep your relationship with God first.
• Celebrate the gift of physical intimacy with your wife.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Learn from other men who are good at adoring their wives.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• ANYTHING your wife does well, tell her!
• Buy her cards. Hide small notes.
• Show others you know she’s a great gift to you
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Does showing her or neglecting her enhance your physical intimacy?
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• “What makes you feel most loved?”
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Adore your wife.”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“I’m probably overly sensitive”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Embrace your giftedness.
• Keep your relationship with God first.
• The Lord is my strength and shield.
• For when I am weak, then am I strong.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Jesus was compassionate, yet strong.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Breath slowly and count when sensitive.
• Pray silently before praying out loud.
• Your time with the Holy Spirit is privileged.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Is your male leadership enhanced by controlling your emotions?
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• “When is it appropriate to share my compassion?”
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Show strong compassion.”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“Respect is a big part of sex”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Be respectable.
• Sacrifice for you wife.
• Be Humble.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Model joyfully married men.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Think first, speak second.
• Have a servant’s heart.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Are you worthy of respect?
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• “What can I do to earn your trust and repect?”
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Be respectable.”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“Sunday’s a great day for sex”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Keep Sunday a day of rest.
• Begin and end the day with worship/praise.
• Get your to-do list done by Saturday.
Step 8 Observe Others
• How do other’s keep Sunday different?
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Wash the sheets on Saturday.
• Ask your wife what you can do to help her prepare heart, mind and body for Sunday.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Is Sunday a good day for lovemaking?
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• “How can I make our Sundays special for us?”
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Sunday’s a great day for sex.”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“Trust is a huge part of sex”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Build trust by being vulnerable.
• Listen actively.
• Touch gently with reassurance.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Recognize mistrust create emotional distance.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Maintain eye contact.
• Reassuring touch.
• Repeat back her thoughts.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Am I being too forthright?
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• “Do you feel safe, secure and protected with me?”
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Trust is a huge part of sex.”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“Embrace how you are made visually rousable”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Keep your eyes on your wife. (Drink from your own cistern.).
• Give your wife feedback on what is arousing to you.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Offer ideas to your wife.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Tell your wife when she is beautiful.
• Delight in your wife.
• Embrace how she is made to complete you.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Look for the way of escape when visually tempted.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• “I don’t want to make you feel like an object.”
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
“Let her know she can visually arouse you.”

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
“It’s foolish to act sexually against one’s convictions”
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Know what you believe.
• Keep your thoughts and actions consistent with your beliefs.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Sin separates you.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Build a monogamous relationship.
• Reserve the gift of sex for someone special.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Remember when episodes occurred.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Keep an accountability partner.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
Keep your thoughts and actions in line with your convictions.

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
A woman brings something to a relationship that another man can never bring
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Appreciate how woman is made to complement man.
• Date lots of women.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Develop friendships with joyful couples.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Date lots of women..
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Remember when episodes occur.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Read Truth
• Allow God’s Spirit to work in you.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
A woman brings something to a relationship that another man can never bring.

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
A couple can stay away from sex for a while for prayer and fasting
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Set aside regular time for physical intimacy.
• Lay a foundation with spiritual and emotional intimacy.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Develop mentor relationships with content husbands.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Date your wife weekly (with sexual intimacy)
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Prioritize your intimate time together.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Have a prayer concern, or fasting concern if not being physically intimate.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
Have a prayer or fasting concern if not being physically intimate.

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
Internet chatting is not a real relationship
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Find women to date.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Model content husbands.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Be open to dating opportunities.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Be open to God’s nudges.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Pray for guidance and direction.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
Internet chatting is not a real relationship.

Step 6 Select Initial Value for Development
Viewing pornography is selfish
Step 7 Define the boundaries that will protect the selected value
• Don’t use pornography for self-satisfaction.
Step 8 Observe Others
• Model sexually satisfied couples.
Step 9 Look for Opportunities to Apply Your Values
• Be open to sexual opportunities with someone you are emotionally close with.
Step 10 Evaluate the Consequences.
• Have a long-term perspective.
Step 11 Continue to Ask for Feedback
• Be open to the Holy Spirit’s guidance.
Step 12 Redefine Values/Boundaries
Viewing pornography is selfish

Adjusted Existing Values:
• My emotional range is a gift.
• I’ll be a humble man and confident lover with God’s wisdom.
• I believe God’s design for sex is the best sex.
• Masturbation doesn’t have to be selfish.
• Embrace sexual freedom and sexual breadth that comes with doing sex God’s way.
• If my wife won’t have sex with me, she may be hurting.
• It OK to admit you would enjoy being restrained and sexually teased.
• Anal sensitivity is a gift to be enjoyed.
• Oral talents are a gift to be shared.
• Be compassionately honest when something is uncomfortable.
• Great sex can include worship.
• Sex is for pleasure
• Save sex for your committed heterosexual relationship
• Don’t be afraid to suggest variations to see what works
• Show your wife how holding your scrotum makes you feel safe
• Keep learning to sexually satisfy your wife consistently
• Learn to share potentially embarrassing sexual thoughts, feelings, & desires within your relationship
• Enjoy mumbling out loud your feelings during sex
• I love how a woman’s body is different than mine
• Earn your wife’s confidence to enjoy your masculinity with her.
• Remember what satisfies her completely
• The best sex would be with another woman who loves Jesus
• Enjoy the beauty of your own wife
• Make your wife feel close and safe by the way you hold her
• Enjoy honest emotions during sex together
• Music enhances sex
• Scents can enhance sex
• Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. Eph 5:28
• Great sex includes excitement , plateau , orgasm , and resolution.
• Mute cell phones during sex
• “Let your wife know you desire all of her, and will give her all of you”
• Spiritual intimacy is a prerequisite for physical intimacy
• Touch can be fun without being sexual
• Crude language can be a part of passionate sex
• Masturbating thinking about my wife is ok if she is physically absent for days
• Internet chatting is like adultery for me
• Do your sexual Due-Diligence with those woman you could commit to
• Earn the trust of your special woman so she’ll share her hidden sexual desires with you
• Perfect love casts out fear, including sexual insecurity
• Learn to be a close confidant first – sexual intimacy will follow
• Be friendly – self divulge – help others
• Educate your woman how to please you sexually
• Have everything near after lovemaking to fall asleep together
• Physical activity adds to sex prowess
• Have no other idols – male or female
• Please your lover the way she enjoys
• Engage fully during lovemaking
• Allow your woman’s body to amaze you
• Be vulnerable with your lover
• Lead with Reassuring touch
• Schedule time outside daily in the sun
• Embrace sexual freedom with your lover
• Adore your wife
• Show strong compassion.
• Be respectable.
• Sunday’s a great day for sex
• Trust is a huge part of sex
• Let her know she can visually arouse you
• Keep your thoughts and actions in line with your convictions
• A woman brings something to a relationship that another man can never bring
• Have a prayer or fasting concern if not being physically intimate
• Internet chatting is not real relationship
• Viewing pornography is selfish


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2017 6:36 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2016 2:00 pm
Posts: 71
Lesson Forty
Respecting the Boundaries of Others

Lesson 40 Exercise:
I.
I. Choose someone in your life that you feel close to. A spouse. A child. A parent. A friend. Rather than assuming what boundaries they have; or what values they want protected...take some time to step into their lives. Refresh those perceptions that you have. Consider how you can HELP THEM reinforce those boundaries. Post a few thoughts about this in your thread.
II. Consider what you could do should YOU become aware that you have violated a boundary of theirs.
III. Consider your reaction should they tell you that you have violated a boundary of theirs. Think beyond defensiveness...keep working until you grasp a healthy reaction.
IV. Share your thoughts in your recovery thread.

I. Spouse was sexually abused as a child with cunnilingus by uncle. Avoid cunnilingus with her.
II. Apologize if you violate her boundary. Suggest therapy together. Suggest book for healing.
III. Healthy reaction would be to educate myself on childhood sexual abuse, instead of expecting her to enjoy it.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2017 6:36 pm 
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Posts: 71
Lesson Forty-One
Mastering Boundary Awareness



Find a way of seeing their life through THEIR eyes — WITHOUT attaching your personal perceptions, judgments and/or values to that life. Just allow them to share, asking questions only to clarify their boundaries — if needed.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2017 6:37 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2016 2:00 pm
Posts: 71
Lesson Forty-Two
Mastering Rituals and Chains


Ensure that you have a functional understanding of the following:
1. That the emotions you experience with any compulsive urge are finite. There is a limit to the intensity that can be experienced.
2. That understanding your compulsive behavior can best be understood in terms of the individual elements that stimulate your emotions; the combining of these elements to form single compulsive rituals; and the combining of these compulsive rituals to form compulsive chains.
3. That compulsive rituals are the driving force in the development of an addiction. The more they are used to regulate emotions, the more they are relied on to regulate them again.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2017 6:38 pm 
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Posts: 71
Lesson Forty-Three
Urge Control: Awareness

As you build effective urge control skills, it will be necessary to have the following in place:
1. You have ingrained the pattern you were asked to begin developing several weeks ago: when you experience an urge, you immediately 'create a break'.
2. You have a working knowledge of the mechanical role that compulsive elements play in altering the level of stimulation in any given behavior.
3. You understand the role that compulsive behavior plays in helping you to manage your emotions.
4. You have the ability to 'map out' your own ritualistic chains.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2017 6:38 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2016 2:00 pm
Posts: 71
Lesson Forty-Four
Urge Control: Your Core Identity


A. Describe in your recovery thread the role that your core identity will play in helping you to establish/maintain a healthy life.
B. Describe the role that value-based experiences will play in further developing your core identity.
C. Take some time to examine the current state of your core identity. How in tune with it are you? When you engage in activity that is destructive, what role does your core identity play in that decision? How is it affected by the consequences of that decision?

My core identity is critical for making decisions I can be proud of based on values & boundaries, rather than emotions.
It provides feedback to my brain for behavior that is satisfying and fulfilling.
I’m still figuring out values and boundaries for intimate relationships.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2017 6:39 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2016 2:00 pm
Posts: 71
Lesson Forty-Five
Urge Control: Isolating the Emotions

Emotion: Triggered by:
Frustration being alone
Sexual Arousal g0y research
Confusion What is truth? What are Values and Boundaries?
Anxiety m2m Internet chatting Used to ultimately increase the overall pleasure
Excitement masturbation Point of no return
Relief sleep


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 21, 2017 6:40 pm 
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Posts: 71
Lesson Forty-Six
Urge Control: Isolating the Decision

• You need to understand the role that compulsive behavior plays in your life (e.g. providing you with a means of achieving immediate emotional stimulation)
• You need to recognize the series of elements that work together in a compulsive event to create that stimulation (e.g. 'compulsive rituals'; 'chains')
• You need to be aware of the information flow in a healthy event; and that of a compulsive event (such is the purpose of this lesson)
• You need to master the skill of decision making (such is the purpose of the next several lessons)


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