Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Fri Sep 18, 2020 12:12 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 8 posts ] 
Author Message
PostPosted: Thu Dec 08, 2016 12:26 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2016 4:58 pm
Posts: 7
I came across this site when looking for a counsellor to see about my issues. Without wanting to go into a huge amount of detail here is an outline of my story.

I am addicted to seeing sex workers and use of webcam services. The first time I slept with a prostitute I was 18 years old. The first time I accessed webcam services I was 19 years old.

I work in a male dominated environment where certainly the activities such as going to strip clubs, seeing prostitutes etc is not seen as a bad thing, it is almost seen as the norm.

Whilst you could argue for days over the morality of using these kind of services a number of people do use them without issue. They can take it if it's available, if not then no problem. That's where my problem starts.

I just can't seem to say no, and once is never enough. I keep going back to prostitutes and/or webcams for more, to the point at which I have managed to decimate my life savings and have a fair chunk of debt to my name.

Around 10 months ago I sought help for my issues. In all honesty I didn't take it seriously. What I wanted was a quick fix to stop me from spending any more money. At that time I didn't really see an issue with how I was acting, my lack of meaningful relationships or the isolation I was putting myself in.

Over the last couple of months however I have begun to realise that this is not just about money, or lack of a relationship. My whole mind set has been skewed out of proportion and I have followed a road that I never meant to follow. I hope that by following this program, and by also seeking professional help, that I can overcome this addiction. I'll take it one day at a time, one hour a time if that's what it takes. By working through the lessons and posting my feelings regarding them on here I am sure that eventually I will overcome this addiction and begin to change my life for the better.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Dec 08, 2016 12:35 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2016 4:58 pm
Posts: 7
Lesson 1:
A:

1. Active commitment to change
I am seeking a counsellor outside of this program to discuss my issues with. By signing up to Recovery Nation and comitting to the program I am committing to overcoming my addiction. This is the first time that I have really 'joined' a program, and this time I am committed.

2. Not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage my commitment to change
I have made mistakes, as we all do. Whilst I do feel shame for what I have done I cannot go back and change the past, much as I may want to. I need to stop beating myself up over mistakes and instead focus more on both the present and the future.

3. Allow myself time to change
I recognise that there will be tough times ahead. The habits which have led me to the position I am in now also weren't formed overnight. I need to be willing to work on changing my habits and dealing with my urges over the long term.

B: 10-15 reasons for permanent change
I want to be able to be honest and truthful with my Family and those close to me
I want to be financially stable
I want to lead a fulfilling and meaningful life
I want to accept who I am
I want to divert my energy to more fulfilling activities
I want to be in a relationship (someday)
I want to be calm and collected, no more anxiety over my actions
I want to find peace with myself
I want to make my parents proud (I am very close to my parents, and I am not undertaking this for them, in fact they are unaware of my current predicament, however I do feel as if I have let them down)
I want to achieve more, with work, with friends, with interests

I have completed part C, however at this current moment in time I would like to keep that to myself. Rest assured when going through that particular exercise I found it very insightful to think of myself in that way.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:20 pm 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3944
Location: UK
Hello Indy and welcome to RN

Quote:
I just can't seem to say no, and once is never enough. I keep going back to prostitutes and/or webcams for more

I know this feeling from experience so please do believe me when I say that you can indeed say no, but you need to choose

Quote:
By signing up to Recovery Nation and comitting to the program I am committing to overcoming my addiction. This is the first time that I have really 'joined' a program, and this time I am committed.


I do hope so

so if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Dec 09, 2016 11:36 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2016 4:58 pm
Posts: 7
Lesson 2: Life Vision

I have been contemplating this for most of today. I am not used to thinking about the person who I want to be or the life I want to live, let alone writing it down. One thing which struck me during this exercise was how structure and vocabulary can have such an effect on the way in which something like this can be interpreted, even by myself having taken a break from writing. I am sure over the coming months (and years even) I will come back to my life vision and make changes as I indeed change.

PERSONAL VISION
I want to be someone who is honest and open. Someone who can trust and be trusted. Someone who can accept and learn from their mistakes. Someone who understands that family and friends are at the core of their identity.

I want to help others during my lifetime, through my work, my interactions with others and my passions.

I want to live a fulfilling life. Appreciating each day which I have, the time that it brings for me to use. Understanding that it is my choice as to whether I use it productively to follow my passions and build meaningful relationships, or instead use it to chase after shallow, unhealthy passions which do not bring me any fulfilment.

I want to be able to reconcile differences with those who I have disagreed with in the past, with those who I have pushed away during my journey into addiction.

I want to travel, learn and love. When the end of my life approaches I want to have a smile on my face, be able to look back on the past, and despite the inevitable regrets I may have be at peace in the knowledge that I took every opportunity I had to experience, love and live a mindful and fulfilling life.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sat Dec 10, 2016 10:44 am 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2016 4:58 pm
Posts: 7
Slightly strange day today. Unfortunately became agitated at work for a number of reasons. My initial thoughts after frustration turned to me thinking that at this point I should be thinking about acting out, or completing the action of acting out itself. Instead I felt no need to act out. I was almost caught off guard as it were by this thought process. Later on in the day I did feel the urge to at out, however having thought through my potential actions I decided not to. Agitation and stress at work are certainly two factors which I need to work on over the coming weeks and months to ensure they do not affect my ability to transition into a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Lesson 3: Values (50-100 items)

The first 25-30 values I have listed come from my Life Vision. Then I have thought about what else I value, and what values I want
to live my life by.

1. Being honest with myself
2. Being honest with others
3. Being open
4. Trusting those around me
5. Living humbly
6. Acceptance of my mistakes
7. Acceptance of others mistakes
8. Be unselfish
9. Put others before myself
10. Work hard to achieve my aims in my career
11. Create meaningful relationships with others
12. Make a difference to other's lives
13. Appreciate time which I have
14. Being mindful
15. Using time productively
16. Follow my passions
17. Use my energy wisely
18. Reconciliation with myself
19. Reconciliation with others
20. Face my fears
21. Face my past, accept what has happened
22. Be peaceful
23. Be open to new experiences
24. Develop myself on past experiences
25. Be a responsible member of society
26. Aim for living a fulfilling life
27. Be financially healthy
28. Show my love to those around me
29. Be unafraid to make changes to my life
30. Be a loving Son
31. Be an inspiration to myself through my thoughts
32. Be an inspiration to myself through my actions
33. Be an inspiration to others
34. Being physically fit
35. Being healthy mentally
36. Open to other points of view
37. Unafraid to challenge others
38. Unafraid to challenge myself
39. Be a loving Partner in the future
40. Be a loving Father in the future
41. Have a sense of humour
42. Have a sense of adventure
43. Discover new depths of my personality
44. Be aware of my feelings
45. Self discipline
46. Enhance my learning of spirituality
47. Give love
48. Be loved
49. Be independent
50. Become wiser


C: Review and consider the 'dark side' of your behaviours and values.

1. Excitement
2. Anticipation of the act itself, which is feels almost the same as acting out.
3. Instant gratification
4. Delayed gratification - the knowledge that at some point in the future I will experience intense feelings of pleasure
5. Hiding a lack of social life
6. Hiding a lack of meaningful relationships
7. Hiding a lack of passions and interests
8. Feeling of entitlement - I have the funds and time to pursue what I feel I want
9. Variety
10. Lack of commitment
11. Do not have to take responsibility for actions
12. Immaturity


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Dec 11, 2016 12:09 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2016 4:58 pm
Posts: 7
Lesson 4: Prioritisaizion of Vales
There are two more values which I will add to the list above, having considered my values in life some more today, they are:
⦁ Self respect
⦁ Respect of others

Values in list of priority:
1. Self discipline
2. Living humbly
3. Being honest with myself
4. Being healthy mentally
5. Create meaningful relationships with others
6. Being unselfish
7. Be a loving son
8. Be independent
9. Have a sense of humour
10. Enhance my learning of spirtuality
11. Appreciate time which I have
12. Self respect
13. Be peaceful
14. Become wiser
15. Be unafraid to mak changes to my life
16. Being physically fit
17. Aim for a fulfilling life
18. Show my love to those around me
19. Discover new depths of my personality
20. Acceptance of my mistakes
21. Follow my passions
22. Use my energy wisely
23. Be loved
24. Open to other points of view
25. Be financially healthy
26. Being honest with others
27. Using time productively
28. Respect of others
29. Face my fears
30. Be aware of my feelings
31. Unafraid to challenge myself
32. Have a sense of adventure
33. Being open
34. Acceptance of others mistakes
35. Work hard to achieve my aims in my career
36. Being an inspiration to myself through my thoughts
37. Be an inspiration to myself through my actions
38. Be an inspiration to others
39. Put others before myself
40. Make a difference to other's lives
41. Trusting those around me
42. Being mindful
43. Unafraid to challenge myself
44. Give love
45. Respect of others
46. Unafraid to challenge others
47. Face my past, accept what has happened
48. Be open to new experiences
49. Show my love to those around me
50. Develop myself on past experiences
51. Be a loving Partner in the future
52. Be a loving Father in the future

It feels to me that I have listed priorities higher which I feel I need to work on further s part of my Life Vision. There are some priorities which I feel I already use in my day to life, ones which come more naturally to me. Of course all in the list are important, but the first section are ones which I feel will give me the best chance of changing my life for the better.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Mon Dec 12, 2016 2:54 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2016 4:58 pm
Posts: 7
A drop in post from me today rather than a lesson.

The lessons I have completed thus far have made me look very deeply into myself, much more so than I ever have done before. I have begun to look back over my past to try and make sense of where I am now, and things are starting to slip into place. I still have a long way to go, but I feel I am heading in the right direction.

The mistake I have made over and over when trying to overcome my addiction is a view of all or nothing, a view that by stopping acting out I am losing a part of myself and will have nothing to replace my addiction with. By using RN I can see that in reality I am unable to manage my emotions in a healthy, constructive way. By contiuing to expand my knowledge and being completely honest with myself I can change destructive behaviours, and live a more fulfilling life overall.

I have not felt a sense of euphoria over the last few days since I started the program, but rather a feeling of calm. Of being able to step back and analyse myself, my reasons for acting the way I do, and to understand that I have a choice.

So, onwards and upwards they say.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Mar 10, 2017 7:11 pm 
Offline

Joined: Mon Dec 05, 2016 4:58 pm
Posts: 7
And I'm back.

Just under 3 months since I dropped my progress through the Recovery Nation workshop. Has anything changed? In terms of my acting out no, not really. There are periods of time now between when I do act out, a maximum of 8, maybe 9 days, then it's back into acting out.

Despite seeing a counsellor over the last 2 months progress has been limited. I understand that recovery takes time, but in reality I have been attempting to deal with this over the last 12 months with limited success.

The most frustrating part for me is that I have a fairly good idea of where the addiction stems from, I have a solid knowledge of triggers and opportunities which allow me to act out and still I allow these opportuities to exist.

I do want to stop. I do want to change. The self loathing I feel after having acted out that lingers for a few days afterwards is destroying me. But then it is all too easy after those few days to feel better about myself, more positive about myself and then the cycle repeats.

I can make myself all the promises in the world to stop, put in place 101 strategies to avoid acting out, imagine my future without addiction and take positive steps in my life, but these only last a few days as I have said previously.

It's strange, 2 or 3 days after acting out I feel terrible, horrified at what I have done and disgusted with myself. I know this is coming tomorrow morning which is even worse, the knowledge of what is to come. After this period I begin to feel a little better, and then I begin imagining my life, 2, maybe 3 months down the road where I am addiction free. I imagine being with someone and admitting my past, being open and being able to be proud of myself for having overcome my problems, but I never really seem to take things day by day, which I believe is my biggest issue. As part of my work, my lifestyle, I look at things in monthly blocks. I'm used to days passing by, turning into weeks which turn into months without me even realising it. This is what is so difficult for me to comprehend, the living day to day, taking each day as it comes and promising myself to be sober day to day.

These last few months have also made me realise how much self doubt I have. How crippling it is to me, and how perhaps this has an effect on me acting out. I am not attempting to make excuses for myself, I understand that each time before I act out I have a choice, it's a question of making the right choice and having the knowledge and understanding of myself in order to choose correctly.

It's time to restart the programme, with the belief in myself that I can overcome this and change for the better.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 8 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 29 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group