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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2017 7:56 pm 
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Lesson 17 Exercise
my most common ritual in recent years was using porn and masturbation. I used these different elements of the compulsion wheel:
the anticipation of looking at porn was stimulating
sight - seeing porn images and rolling through lots of them was visually stimulating
touch - feeling myself and getting aroused
touch - masturbating
suspense - prolonging masturbation
fantaty - add fantasy from past sexual or imagined sexual experiences
suspense- stop looking at porn
go to bathroom to resume fantasy and masturbation
orgasm
accomplishment was feeling good about "stress relief" for the moment


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2017 8:00 pm 
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Lesson 18 exercise
I used these filters to enhance my porn and masturbation ritual:

time - would prolong the experience to maximize pleasure

intensity - I would engage in more complex fantasy to enhance my experience

habituation - I looked at increasingly bizarre and different photos/images for stimulation. what provided my enjoyment in the past became routine and I was ever pushing boundaries on my values.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 27, 2017 5:24 pm 
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Exercise # 20 - addiction over lifetime

Pre-teen - used fantasy to daydream and escape boredom. Left home alone alot. Scared of family situation. parents constantly arguing with money problems. Multiple moves to new schools. Fantasy became a way for me to cope with fears and insecurity.

Young teen - I started smoking cigarettes and marijuana. I drank when possible. I was going through difficult periods at home. School was challenging from a social standpoint and I was shy. I wanted to fit it. I wanted attention and recognition. I was insecure and grativated towards the "stoners." Addiction allowed me to escape and feel like I belonged to a group. Addiction made me feel cool.

Mid teen years - my addiction went into background. I started to mature academically and made new more socially acceptable friends and got a part time job.

Late teens to early 20s. My addiction came back with a vengeance. I did excessive drug use, drinking and partying. went to first strip club when I was 18 and in Army. I started to look at Playboy magazines. I masturbated a lot but was not dating much. addiction through drugs provided escape and stress relief and enabled me to avoid difficult feelings of sadness, disappointment, stress, fear and social embarrassment.

early to mid 20s - I had a stable girlfriend and stopped drugs and partying. I started to become more responsible. I cheated on this girlfriend. I began to notice other women - my girlfriend caught me looking at other girls. I started to objectify women. addiction was in the background but this was the shifting point when it stopped being about drugs/alcohol and more sexual in nature. I was finishing college and feeling good about academic recognition. addiction was not that prominent in my life.

Mid 20s to 30 - Single and dated a lot. Chased after and targeted girls to ask out. My addiction became more sexual and alcohol focused. I focused on sleeping with many women and felt proud/justified. I used sex to be recognized/gain attention/and feel good. It helped me supress negative feelings of career dissatisfaction and not fitting in at work. First time that I looked at online porn. I felt insecure in job world and wanted a long term relationship.

Age 30-35 - honeymoon and courtship phase with wife. A lot of positive things seemed to click together at this time. met wife, got engaged and moved in. Got married, received multiple career promotions, bought first home and got MBA. although I looked at online porn from time to time, it was not a major factor in my life. I felt that I was receiving a lot of positive attention at this time and my addiction was muted and in the background.

Age 34-37 - I experienced a lot of stressful and traumatic events. My father died. we moved to a new state. I started a new job that I hated. My wife and grew apart emotionally and at same time I had a lot of emotional turmoil. I started to sexualize women as part of my addiction. I started to look at porn online more regularly. our sex life became more routine. my addiction became more prominent in my life and became the way that I dealt with many difficult emotional issues.

Age 37 to 48 - as we grew into our new life in new state and started a family I increasingly turned to porn as a stress relief. I became impulsive in some ways and did some behaviors that I seriously regret. My wife had an affair and I could not deal with it. My addiction became full blown to the extent that I regularly looked at porn, sought attention from social media, sexualized and masturbated instead of healthy sex. I pulled away from my wife. I had so many self loathing, lonely, anger, sadness, resentment and other feelings.

Age 48 to now - became aware of addiction and working on recovery.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 27, 2017 5:34 pm 
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Exercise 20- future transitions. I anticipate that in the next 10-20 years I will face many challenging traumatic situations - retirement, empty nest and death of family members. Our parents will begin to pass and children will grow up and be with own families and be less connected. Retirement will cause a gap in my life. Addiction could play a role to sooth me during these times if I allow it. I will be experiencing major emotions - sadness/depression, anxiety, fear, disappointment. If I allow addiction to help me cope then I will stuff and avoid those feelings. I will get artificial highs but never get closure on major emotional issues.

If addiction came back to my life I would be devastated. I would be very unhappy. I believe it would be a slow progression, not rapid progression. the signs that I would look for would include not experiencing sadness and other negative emotions. I would have more shame and guilt for the behaviors and thoughts that I know I shouldn't be doing. I would look at myself to see if I was starting new unhealthy rituals. I would consider the reality of my though patterns. I would look for increase impulsiveness and compulsive behaviours. If I did believe I was reestablishing addiction in my lifetime I would talk with my wife or family member to notice changes in my behaviors. I would evaluate my values and recommit myself to start living by them. I would consider joining a group like Recovery Nation. Addiction would be a false comfort to me. I am determined to avoid self destructive behaviors and strengthen myself each day to guard against addiction. I would lean on others for emotional support.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 27, 2017 5:47 pm 
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exercise 22

ritual: masturbation

Primary elements: physical stimulation, fantasy, orgasm

values assigned
physical - 3
fantasy - 2
orgasm - 3

Physical - Fantasy Orgasm
time - 6 time - 5 time -2
intensity - 3 intensity - 6 intensity -10
=24.25


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 27, 2017 5:53 pm 
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Lesson 23
measuring compulsive rituals in their different elements will be incredibly value for me. I will be able to understand a chain of smaller emotions/behaviours behind each self destructive act that I have done. I feel I need to better understand my internal emotional state when I sexualize somoone. or get a thought/brief fantasy in my head. I believe breaking down into chains will allow me to become more self aware and make better choices. I will start to recognize difficult emotions - sens of control, guilt/shame, attention, arousal, power and control, anger, boredom, being uncomfortable, awkwardness, lacking confidence, sadness, nervousness/anxiety. I am not doing the porn/masturbation ritual anymore but will map that to measure and understand how I used.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2017 6:07 pm 
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Posts: 81
Exercise 21A
Large goals - attempted and failed - tried to refinish my car; wanted to get accepted to top business schools; wanted promotions at work where I was not yet qualified.
refinish car - I did not have the skills or underlying motivation. I did not really want to do the work that was involved or learn the necessary way to work on car.
Business school - I did not have the necessary grades or background to get into the elite business schools. I was lacking self-awareness about my underlying capabilities and I did not have a realistic strategy.
Job promotions - I did not have the demonstrated emotional maturity and leadership skills for the management position. I was too emotionally needy . I had not yet accomplished enough to succeed.
All of the above gave me negative self feedback, difficult emotions, eg. anger, resentment, self-doubt, frustration, sadness and embarrassment.

21B. Large that I have succeeded at - college degree, started a business, obtained an MBA
I really wanted to succeed at these goals.
I paced myself through the milestones.
I did not give up despite setbacks and challenges.
I broke the goals down into specific, measurable parts, e.g. classes or annual progress.

21C I want to complete the recovery workshop by June 1, 2017.
I want to complete stage 2 by February 1, 2017
I want to complete stage 3 by March 1, 2017
I want to complete Stage 4 by April 1, 2017
I want to complete stage 5 by May 1, 2017
I will complete the supplemental lessons by June 1, 2017


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2017 6:10 pm 
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Posts: 81
Exercise 24

My compulsion wheel elements:

fantasy
orgasm
sensory
danger
suspense
accomplishment
power
past


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 30, 2017 6:20 pm 
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Posts: 81
Exercise 25
Porn/Masturbation Ritual

1. had difficult conversation with wife - developed anger and frustration towards her
2. began looking forwarding to wife and children going to bed
3. made sure wife and kids and in bed and asleep
4. went to guest bedroom to do work - justified bringing in laptop because of work
5. looked for porn images in between work emails
6. came across favorite search images of the moment ,e.g. blowjob pics or wet t-shirt pics
7. began fantasizing that I was with women in porn images
8. touched myself and got erect
9. kept looking at porn until I was very aroused
10. closed down computer and went to bathroom to masturbate privately
11. fantasized about images while I masturbated
12. orgasmed
13. went into clean up mode - erased computer history files, search terms and tracking information
14. felt accomplishment at not being caught
15. felt shame about not having sex with wife and being intimate with her


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 09, 2017 10:11 am 
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Lesson 26 - updated ritual thread

1. I see a familiar person that I know.
2. Depending on the person, I have feelings of low confidence, awkwardness, uncertainty, anxiety, frustration, boredom or anger. Something does not make me want to talk to this person.
3. I engage in conversation with this person.
4. I notice persons clothing and/or body shape.
5. I feel guilt and shame for noticing person body instead of focusing on conversation.
6. I have urge to sexualize that person.
7. I struggle to avoid looking at body parts when they are not looking.
8. I feel moral conflict about sexualizing that person.
9. I sexualize the person.
10. I lie and withhold from my spouse that I sexualized person rather than talking about it and making it nothing.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 09, 2017 10:14 am 
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Lesson 27
two compulsive chains:

1. Looking at porn and then go into fantasy/masturbation.

2. Sexualizing someone during the day and the recalling image later in day and masturbating to that image.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 09, 2017 10:14 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
Lesson 27
two compulsive chains:

1. Looking at porn and then go into fantasy/masturbation.

2. Sexualizing someone during the day and the recalling image later in day and masturbating to that image.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 09, 2017 10:18 am 
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Posts: 81
Lesson # 28A

I was sitting with a client.
I felt nervous.
I had urge to look at her tight yoga pants.
I looked at her crotch.
I felt guilt/shame.
I could not get sexual image of crotch out of my head because of anxiety.
I told wife about this issue and it helped reduce my anxiety.

Lesson #28B
I could have started to go into fantasy about this experience.
I could have set myself up to stay as her client point of contact and go back and meet her again and then go into fantasy.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 09, 2017 10:41 am 
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Posts: 81
Lesson 29 - emotions

A - I experienced the following feelings when I laid back:

anger about getting attacked by gang as a youth
sadness - when my dad died and I realize I can never speak with him again to heal old wounds
happiness - my wedding day - I was floating that day
anger/frustration - arguments with wife that go on forever
sadness and regret/emptiness over how I have coped and lived my life in a dysfunctional way
the feelings flowed through to arouse me but I had no desire to act out compulsively or masturbate

B - Extreme Anxiety - after spouse and I have had terrible multi day arguments - they are draining. I find hard to breath, heart rate is up and I am emotionally fragile and exhausted.

low anxiety - after sharing my feelings/crying - getting it out. I calms me down.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 09, 2017 10:41 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
Lesson 29 - emotions

A - I experienced the following feelings when I laid back:

anger about getting attacked by gang as a youth
sadness - when my dad died and I realize I can never speak with him again to heal old wounds
happiness - my wedding day - I was floating that day
anger/frustration - arguments with wife that go on forever
sadness and regret/emptiness over how I have coped and lived my life in a dysfunctional way
the feelings flowed through to arouse me but I had no desire to act out compulsively or masturbate

B - Extreme Anxiety - after spouse and I have had terrible multi day arguments - they are draining. I find hard to breath, heart rate is up and I am emotionally fragile and exhausted.

low anxiety - after sharing my feelings/crying - getting it out. I calms me down.


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