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PostPosted: Thu Feb 09, 2017 10:47 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2016 3:34 pm
Posts: 81
Lesson 31A

difficult conversation with spouse - severe
confrontational call with client/customer - moderate
responding to emergency call in business -moderate
addressing son's issues - moderate to severe
meeting potential client - mild
disrespectful child - moderate
losing a client - moderate
getting large bill for medical - moderate
TV images that I don't want to see - mild
general public interaction - mild


31B - Yes, I see patterns relating to being more respectful, being honest, transparent and vulnerable. Also, confrontations and sharing emotions.

31C I am getting emotional stimulation from living my values. I am proud of the work that I am doing.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 09, 2017 12:18 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3881
Location: UK
hello FHCL
I noted your comment
Quote:
felt shame about not having sex with wife and being intimate with her

perhaps it might be useful to explore this further
why that guilt, the guilt for not doing?

why not guilt for actually doing?

thoughts from the time of the activity and thoughts now on reflection
just an idea that you may or may not wish to explore further

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 7:40 pm 
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Lesson 32 Exercise
reflection on how I have been with my values:

1. Honesty - I have withheld facts and uncomfortable truths from my wife. I have learned from this and have realized I need to be brutally honest with myself. There are my issues that I have had a hard time talking about but I realizing that speaking the truth sets you free. My addiction is really in the more subtle areas and I am just jumping and sharing the "weird" stuff in my head.

2. Self Respect - I am getting better at asking for what I want. I am getting better a being honest with myself. I still struggle with sexualizing others, but I am keenly aware of it and realize when I am doing it.

3. Feelings - I feel much better about identifying and expressing my feelings. Core to my addiction is a lifetime of stuffing and denying my difficult emotions. I am also realizing when I am minimizing my feelings. I have learned that top feeling for me is anxiety and fear that ebbs and flows throughout the day. I have also had a lot of sadness and shed many tears lately for past experiences that I stuffed down and lost opportunities.

4. Love Myself - I have gone through a lot of self-forgiveness and giving myself the gift of time. I am reflecting and starting to believe more in my positive traits. One area that I need to work on is overcoming my negative core beliefs and avoiding perfectionism. I have been debunking my belief that I am "dirty" and "inadequate." this is an emotional process and takes time.

5. Intimacy and Vulnerability with wife. - I do share feelings on a regular basis; however I lied to her about where I was at with still sexualizing others. I withheld and minimized. Recently we discussed that trying to account/control for the behaviors is useless and we will both focus on being healthy as much as we can. Focus on the health based recovery.

6. expressing myself - slowly I am getting better at expressing myself.

7. Confronting others - this is a core life issue for me - standing up for myself and not being passive. I have acknowledge my discomfort going into conversations and admitted to others I get anxiety rather than trying to fake it. By being real I can also freely express my opinions on the other issues and speak my mind.

8. Boundaries - I am hyper focused on staying in reality now and not going into sexual fantasy. I am also realizing how I have had anger fantasies and starting to journal about them.

9. Protect my family - need to do a better job a disclosing to my wife about where I am at in recovery. I need to be more unselfish. I am starting to realize how much of my marriage I was selfish and put my needs first. I am working hard on recovery which will protect my family and keep them safe.

10. Reality - I find sexual fantasies just as disgusting as porn now - I do not allow them to occupy my thoughts. However, I am self aware that I have also been using non sex fantasies, e.g. anger and sadness fantasies. I have reflecting a lot on these as how I have used them to passively experience my feelings rather than express them.

11. Parenting - I am working hard to engage and motivate children.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 7:53 pm 
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Lesson 33 -
Day 1 - anxious in the early a.m. ; sad in the and a.m. and early afternoon; I cried about childhood and current situation. late afternoon - watched drama TV and was sad and cried. late afternoon - happier and resolved to move on.

Day 2 - anxiety early in the a.m.; too much work; anger in the afternoon with a potential client going with another office - got into anger fantasy. Sadness in the a.m. after discussing with spouse the idea of me thinking that I am a bad person. How/why did I hold onto that? stress/anxiety in the afternoon over too much work shifting time slots. Happiness later in the day over won business.

Day 3 - early a.m. - woke up with anxiety felt need to get organized. 8:30 in a.m. - wave of sadness came over me - felt regret/remorse for behaviors; late morning - felt neutral. late morning - disappointment over son getting in trouble.
mid day - had fun lunch meeting but then had anxiety over where conversation was headed; got stressed. late afternoon - happy being with wife.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:01 pm 
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#34 A

about 15 years ago I was out drinking with coworkers when my wife was out of town. A group of us drank late and then I left the bar with a female coworker. We were supposed to go directly to the public transportation but she suggested that we go into a strip club on the way to train and she paid for 2 lap dances for me. I knew that I should not do this but the temptation was very strong. this was a clear violation of my marriage and coworker relationship.

several times over the past years I would leave the company of my family and go masturbate in an upstairs bathroom when my wife wasn't home. I had an urge and acted on it impulsively.

34B - Anxiety of not acting on a behavior. My hear start being faster and breathing pace increase. thoughts start to come into my head and I battle myself to change thoughts. this anxiety is less intense than anxiety of being rejected or public speaking. My compulsive urge is well within normal boundaries.

34C - when I have fantazied, I would often get in a trance like feeling and I would try to tune out other stimulants and background elements to focus on the fantasy.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:03 pm 
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#35

1st question - Today I am going to look for opportunities to share my emotions and feelings. placed this in car, on computer and mirror in bathroom.

2nd question: Today I am going to look for opportunities to express myself honestly and openly.


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:09 pm 
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#35 - weekly health monitoring

1. over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of meaning and fulfillment? Think specific actions I experienced; not general ideas.

2. Over the past 7 days, where did the majority of my energy go? as in was there only chronic stress/pressure that I had to manage/ Were there any major traumatic events? any intense emotional events.

3. Given the meaning that I derive this week and the events that I had to manage, how well did I do in maintaining emotional behaviors through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behaviors?)

4. Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for so that I am not caught off guard? e.g. deadlines, reunions, holidays, etc.?


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 07, 2017 7:44 pm 
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#36B

I can envision a situation when visiting a spa or massage place that the masseuse tries to touch me on my private parts and stimulate me to masturbation. I allowed this to happen years ago. I have a boundary now that the only physical sexual contact that I allow for me is between my wife and myself. I would immediately demand the massage person to stop and I would remove myself from the situation.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 07, 2017 7:54 pm 
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37
top 3 values
1. Honesty and integrity
2. self-respect
3. Expressing emotions

Boundaries - Honesty and Integrity
1. I will not engage in activities that cause me shame and would want me to withhold information from my wife.
2. I will not lie to myself, my wife or others to avoid consequences.
3. I will not bend rules to work things to my advantage.
4. I will not break the law.

Boundaries - Self Respect
1. I will not allow myself or others to cause me to betray my moral values.
2. I will not allow anyone besides my spouse, children or extended family members to get close to me physically.
3. I will not allow others besides my spouse and family to get close to me emotionally.
4. I will not allow others to manipulate me emotionally.
5. I will say no when I don't want something.
6. I will disassociate myself from others who seek to have a negative impact on my life.

Boundaries - Emotions
1. I will not withhold expressing my feelings.
2. I will not allow others to invalidate my feelings
3. I will not allow others to project their feelings or emotions onto me.
4. I will not project my emotions onto others.
5. I will remove myself from situations when I am overwhelmed.
6. I will communicate my boundaries in a clear and consistent way.
7. I will not allow others to project their problems onto me.

Absolute Boundaries
1. I will not do anything that I cannot openly tell my wife about.
2. I will not do anything that I would be ashamed to admit to my family.
3. I will never abdicate responsibility for my actions or entertain the idea that addiction is outside of my control.
4. I will never avoid communicating with my wife.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 24, 2017 6:47 pm 
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Lesson 44
Core Identity
At my core I am a modest and relatively shy person. I have a tendency to want to be liked and also to be right. I like intellectual efforts and I value friends who respect me for who I am. I am reserved with my sexuality and sex in general, however, because I didn't learn to manage my emotions when I was young, I used sex in different ways as a coping tool. I value and crave intimacy with my wife.

I am working on updating my core identity - I did not really understand this concept for a while. Some ways that I feel describe my core identity - honest, sensitive, achieving, loving, intellectual, fun-seeking, hard working, friendly. negative aspects of my core identity include narcissistic, insecure and controlling.

My core Identity will help reinforce my values and vision. I have struggled for a long time to admit to myself that I have lived behind a facade and mask. I projected myself into roles and situations that defy who I truly am and my values. My core Identity will help me set a baseline for healthy sexuality and being healthy. My values are a true reflection of my core Identity.

As I continue to live by and strengthen my values, I will reinforce and build up my core Identity.

My core Identity is not the same as when I exhibit my self destructive behaviors and negative coping skills. Those actions are a result of the facade and ego that I built up over the years with unhealthy values. After a lot of healing over the past two years I feel closer to my core Identity and who I truly am.


Last edited by fullheartcantlose on Wed May 31, 2017 6:25 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 7:57 pm 
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Lesson 45 Ritual chain
1. See a familiar person I know. - mild excitement
2. I engage in conversation. - feel awkward, uncertain, anxious, frustrated, bored
3. Notice body or shape - urge to objectify, mental tension
4. Have self talk about not looking. - guilt
5. Internal struggle to not look, objectify - self loathing, anger, flushness
6. Want to look - urge to objectify intensifies
7. I sexualize/objectify that person - feel relief, accomplished
8. I realize that I objectified that person. Guilt and shame

B - I can't remove #1 without leaving this planet. For # 2 - I need to be social - but I can work on ways to not feel anxiety or insecurity. For # 3 - I can remove this partially by focusing my attention on the appropriate parts of that persons body. For # 4 - I think I need to change this up. I start to get anxious, feel guilty for wanting to look or objectify. I need to cite my core values to myself in the moment and acknowledge to myself that those values make me feel good overall. For # 5 and 6, the struggle continues - I need to just stay focused or look away and remind myself that I am going to live by my values.

The chain is a point of return at # 7 - I have control on this up until that point.


Last edited by fullheartcantlose on Wed May 31, 2017 6:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 29, 2017 10:47 am 
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Posts: 81
Excuses that I have used to rationalize/justify my lies:

1. I feel differently about this so I must be getting better.
2. Everyone has some range of unwanted thoughts
3. I don't do that negative coping behavior as much as I used too
4. I only do "this" type of negative coping behavior so I must be healing
5. I talk about my feelings so that must mean I am talking...(not disclosing the shame behavior)
6. "it happened to me" vs. "I did this" - not taking ownership of the behavior
7. I can stop this on my own (no, I can't - or then why haven't i?)
8. i don't want to do this behavior - the ugly truth is that part of me does - that is why I get urges.
9. I dismiss things as not being important or they didn't really happen.


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PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2017 7:06 pm 
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Lesson 45 - other ritual chain
1. See the person I love - happy to see them, pride, love
2. Remember that I have objectified them - fear that I will do this again.
3. Try to stay engaged but avoid looking at body parts - mental tension headache
4. focus on body parts - awkwardness, discomfort
5. objectify body parts - guilt and shame


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PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2017 7:20 pm 
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Lesson 46 - revised ritual chain

1. see person that I love - happy to see them, pride, love
2. remember that I have objectified them - fear, discomfort, sadness
3. review core values with self - honesty, respect and emotions sharing - confidence
4. Self talk that I distort things and remind myself of what is real and what is not real - confidence and awarness
5. share my emotions about something with person and encourage the same from them. - vulnerability
5. share funny story or something inspiring; help person - happiness, inspired and pride

Lesson 46 - other ritual chain

1. see famiiar person that I know - mild excitement and or mild dread
2. engage in conversation - feel awkward, bored, frustrated, anxious, uncertain
3. self talk that I distort things - confidence, awareness
4. share honest feelings about situation - pride, satisfied
5. confront person about next steps, action items, learning, change required - relieved


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PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2017 7:25 pm 
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# 46 - driving revised ritual chain

1. see unknown person - mild sense of excitement
2. stay focused on driving - internal tension
3. call spouse/friend or leave message - feel connected
4. listen to inspirational podcasts - feel motivated to express honesty


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