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PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 4:16 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2016 8:13 am
Posts: 37
For a long time I didn't know what was going on with me, all I knew was that there was something wrong. At some point I stumbled upon the noFap community and started my abstinence. Still, there was something missing, I wasn't recovering the way I wanted to. Having read a lot of articles and posts, I found this page and decided to make use of it.

Lesson 1:

A:
1) actively committing yourself to change
I already haven’t looked at adult videos and pictures for about 6 months now and I haven’t masturbated for about 10 weeks. There was a time when I thought that not doing those things is enough, but now I see that it isn’t, that I still lack something (that revelation came when I was in a relationship, which – sadly – ended). I know that I wasted a lot of years through addiction and that I feel incompatible with the world because of that. I want to change that. I don’t want the addiction to be a way of coping with my emotions.
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
I know I have some problem with guilt and shame although it is better now than, say, those 10 weeks ago. There are times of doubt whether I will recover and anger because of the years I lost to addiction. Anyway, I know that my addiction is not the way to go, so even if I have bouts of guilt/shame, I know that I won’t surrender.
3) allowing yourself time to change
Now this is difficult. I am a very impatient person and I would like to recover right here, right now. I was many time depressed in those 10 weeks that I did not recover yet. When I think that it will take a lot of time to recover, it hurts and gets me down because I would like to be happy in life and I don’t want to struggle.
B:
Why I seek to permanently change my life:
- I want to be happy, to live my life to the fullest
- I want to be a good son and a good brother
- I want to make a good boyfriend and a supporting husband in the future
- I want to be sociable, approachable
- I want to make use of my talents and my potential
- I want to feel love, be loved and love
- I want to be able to fight for myself, my rights, etc.
- I want to be tough and manly
- I want to change the world, introduce more good in it
- I want to feel free
- I want to be a simple man, i.e. not complicate things unnecessarily
- I want to have friends, to bond with someone at a deeper level
- I want to be respected by myself and others
- I want to feel my real value
- I want to be untamed, perceived as dangerous, I want to be inspiring

C:
I saw a little guy curious about the world and happy about the simple fact that he exists. He did not think about himself, he acted, discovered, he was spontaneous and he accepted everything the way it was. A happy little fellow, most likeable, who just is and who is just happy. A happy childhood.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 1:53 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3856
Location: UK
Hello Pavloo
and welcome to Recovery Nation

Quote:
I found this page and decided to make use of it.

I do hope so, but please recognise that it is only a guide or roadmap
it is you who has to make the transition into and then beyond recovery
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

Quote:
I was many time depressed in those 10 weeks that I did not recover yet. When I think that it will take a lot of time to recover, it hurts and gets me down because I would like to be happy in life and I don’t want to struggle.


You will struggle at times the recovery process is not straight nor easy , but it is attainable, think of it not as recovery think of it as changing you

looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 23, 2016 9:32 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2016 8:13 am
Posts: 37
Thank you for your reply :)
Now on with the Workshop:

Lesson 2:

Vision of my life:

I want to make a good husband. A husband who can truly connect with his wife, who knows her well. A husband who is the support for his wife, who can provide for her, who can take care of her, who can help her in her problems if she asks him to. A husband who trusts her wife and vice versa. A husband who can and want to – among all of his duties and activities – devote his time for her only, to talk with her, have genuine fun, spend time together.

I want to have children, have a family. I want to be a good father, patient, who can save some time to be with his children. Someone who they trust, someone who can protect them, who can show them how to cope with their problems on their own so that they grow up to be mature adults, I want to be able to entertain them. I want to be proud of my children.

I want to be truly good at something I do to earn money. Right now I am a translator/interpreter and I like it, but it does not necessarily have to be this in the future. I want to be a man who can commit to what he does, who does it well, who appreciates hard work and who is willing to share his knowledge to help others grow.

I want to be able to take care of myself, to be healthy, fit and strong. I want to know how to repair things at home, fix a car, I want to know much about the world, I want to spend some time travelling (alone or with my girlfriend/wife/children/family), to see the world, have many adventures and experiences and grow through them. I want to have some friends, have a circle where I am respected (be it family, a group of friends). I want to be a sociable man who knows how to have healthy fun. I want to feel that I make a difference, that I matter, that my actions bear fruit.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 24, 2016 3:22 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2016 8:13 am
Posts: 37
Lesson 3:

The list of my values:

1) Self-respect
2) Social acceptance
3) Intimacy
4) Integrity
5) Autonomy
6) coping with emotions
7) Sensitivity
8) Trust
9) Self-confidence
10) Having fun
11) Resting
12) Family
13) Patience
14) Ability to protect myself and others
15) Facing problems right on
16) Action (as opposed to passiveness)
17) Having children
18) being proud of myself
19) being proud of my beloved ones
20) being a good translator/interpreter
21) Devotion
22) Hard work
23) Knowledge
24) Teaching others
25) Helping others
26) Fitness
27) Physical strength
28) Emotional strength
29) Self-sufficiency
30) Being support for others
31) Being decisive
32) Travelling
33) Spending time in nature
34) Relationships
35) Learning about the world
36) Having adventures
37) Being spontaneous
38) Self-development
39) Friends
40) respect from others
41) being sociable
42) healthy food and drinks
43) being significant/make a difference
44) ability to listen well
45) ability to clearly express expectations
46) ability to clearly express emotions
47) innovativeness
48) creativity
49) thinking critically
50) strong willpower
51) being able to forgive
52) having a significant other
53) ability to cope with failures
54) being a good partner
55) being a good father
56) being a good son
57) being a good brother
58) exercising
59) diligence
60) being understanding
61) being reliable
62) bringing joy to others
63) teamwork
64) being honest
65) sense of humour
66) being responsible
67) feeling manly
68) fidelity
69) sexual intimacy
70) resourcefulness
71) taking up challenges
72) novelty in life
73) sharing my true self with the world around me
74) being able to improvise
75) being approachable
76) nurturing children’s maturation
77) wisdom
78) being understood
79) feeling a part of a team
80) loving others
81) feeling loved, needed, desired
82) being able to stand up for myself or others
83) being able to adapt quickly
84) learning new things
85) being inteligent
86) developing emotional awareness
87) feeling appreciated
88) being humble
89) gratitude
90) self-discipline
91) feeling happy
92) feeling satisfaction
93) passion in life
94) having good hygiene
95) having a good command of languages
96) feeling that I am a valuable man
97) variety in life
98) having a welcoming atmosphere at home
99) meeting new pe ople
100) having a genuine laugh
101) coping with stress
102) singing
103) dancing

The list of my 'dark side' values:
1) physical pleasure
2) coping with emotions
3) coping with stress
4) excitement
5) novelty
6) feeling satisfied
7) self-sufficiency
8) feeling of control
9) looking forward to excitement
10) variety
11) no responsibility
12) perfectionism


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 28, 2016 5:49 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2016 8:13 am
Posts: 37
I decided to create a new vision of my life as I felt that the previous one lacked something. Here it is:

My social life:
I want to be a sociable man who can communicate well, appreciate a good laugh. I want to be good with people. I want to be self-confident, open and easy-going around them. The main thing I need is contact with people. I want to be that person who appears at a meeting and everybody there knows that they will have a good time. I want to have many friends, be approachable and make new friends easily. I want to be desired by women, I want to be able to flirt with them just for the sake of doing it and have fun doing so.

My work:
As work usually takes up much of time, I don’t want to work in a profession where I will be chained to a computer, without much contact with another human being. Though if I have a “social platform”, so to speak, outside my job, like in the evenings or on weekends, I can work like that as then I will have that feeling of anticipation, of looking forward to that socialising. If I were to work like that (i.e. without much human contact), being a translator/interpreter would be my job of choice as I’m already working as one, I am quite good at it and I like it (and if so, I want to set up m own business; additionally, when it comes to translation/interpretation, even if – let’s say – I work hard on it to get very good at it and it turns out I’ll eventually change it for something else, I can still translate and interpret as a freelancer if need be, so here I have a win-win situation). Nevertheless, I want to have many people around me, be it at work, outside work or both. I want to have a taste of many various jobs, play the field a bit, just to see which would suit me best, and then commit to that work.

My adventures:
I want to have many adventures. I want to have many experiences, risky and funny, good and bad, exciting and not so much, that I can talk about and I want to be able to share my stories in a captivating way, filled with true emotions. I want to have some souvenirs that bring back certain memories. I want to meet new people, know many interesting places. I want to be able to recall those stories when I’m old and say with confidence and content: “Yes, my life was a truly interesting story, and yes, I was a freak, but in a positive way”. I want to have some great and crazy memories with my friends to bring a smile on our faces when we recall them.
I want to travel to really breath-taking places, see them for myself, not only on pictures in the Internet. I want to travel with a backpack, hitchhiking, relying on luck sometimes. I want to experience those places with all of my senses: I want to see it moving, waving, flowing and whatnot, listen to the wind and the sounds made by animals, plants, flowing water, I want to smell all (good and bad) smells of those places. I want to touch the stones, the grass, the snow, the road, feel it genuinely under my fingertips. I want to feel the hot (preferably) and the cold (not-so-preferably) temperatures. I want to taste some specialties of the local cuisine, eat some wild berries maybe. I want to feel those places as much as possible, gain experiences, be there in the moment.
And I want to meet new people as I travel, some helpful I hope.
Additionally, I'm really keen not so much on being at a destination (although it may be beautiful), but on the process of actually getting there, on the journey itself (that's when the most interesting events happen, as far as I'm concerned).

My relationships:
I want to be an interesting boyfriend who can entertain his girlfriend and have fun with her. I want to be a support for help when she needs it. I want to be able to hold interesting, intelligent conversations with her. I want to show initiative, know fancy places we can go to, spend time actively (sports, etc.). I want her to be proud of me in front of her family and in front of her friends and I want to be proud of her in front of mine. I want to be liked by her family.

My own family:
I want to find a woman of my life and eventually settle down and create a family, and have children (a boy and a girl ideally although I know it does not depend on me). I want to be a good husband and a good father someday.
However, I don't want to settle down too early as I don't want to realise someday that I am suffocating, that I am tied down because of my family. I feel young right now and I want to have some adventures, gain some experience beforehand. I will found my family when I feel and am certain that the time has come to do so.
And when I do, I will be a good partner who can truly connect with my wife, we'll create that deep bond in our marriage. We will trust each other, will know that we can rely on each other, we will understand each other and take care of each other. We'll be able to have genuine fun and a good laugh, my wife will be the person I want to spend time with. We will be honest and though we will have arguments for sure, we will know that we have that common greatest goal of having a healthy, reliable, trusting family. And I want to see my wife as the best and the most beautiful woman in the world. And when we get old, I want us to be that couple that is already old but still does some crazy things like teenagers and have real fun doing so.
I want to be a good father. I want to be patient and understanding with my children. I want to be able to entertain them, teach them, see them growing, be an example to them. I want to see them move their heads when they are little, smile at me, laugh with me. I want to see them toddle, start to walk, run, say their first words. I want to be proud of them and I want to behave in a way that they are proud to have such a father. I want them to trust me and be willing to share a lot with me. I want to become friends with them when they grow up.

My wider family:
I want to be a good brother and a good son, someone my parents, siblings and other relatives can rely on. I want to be helpful, to help others and derive pleasure from it. I want to be a support for my parents when they get old and need me, I want to be an example for my brother (8 years younger than me) and a friend with my sister (2 years younger than me) (I want to be friends with my brother, too, if it's possible). I want my parents to be proud of me.

Me in general:
I want to be reliable, honest, I want to help others, be able to stand up for myself, I want to make my own decisions and be autonomous in what I want to do, I want to be decisive, I want people to respect me, I want to have a say on many things, I want to be physically fit and strong, I want to be emotionally mature and I want to be a man of action - in other words, I want to be perceived as a real man and I want to see myself as a real man. I want to take care of my health, look attractive, be neat and know how to behave in various situations.

My music:
I also want music to be a part of my life. Not necessarily professionally, but I want to sing with my friends/wife/children or to them, I want music running in the background at home, I want to play some instruments (I can already play the guitar and djembe, but there might be more), I want to dance every now and then or just relax listening to music.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 31, 2016 1:04 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2016 8:13 am
Posts: 37
The list of my values:

1) socialising, human contact, communication with people
2) having a good laugh
3) being self-confident, easy-going
4) bringing joy to others
5) holding deep, intelligent conversations
6) being approachable, open, making new friends easily, being outgoing
7) feeling wanted, needed, desired
8) being able to easily flirt with women
9) being good at languages, noticing linguistic subtleties, understanding language, understanding puns
10) variety in life
11) having lots of experiences and adventures, living an interesting life
12) meeting new poeple, getting to know them
13) being able to tell stories in a captivating way
14) having great and crazy memories
15) being spontaneous
16) bonding with others, connecting at a deeper level
17) spending time in nature
18) travelling (the motif of journey itself)
19) being able to embrace the moment fully
20) seeing some magnificent, breath-taking places for my own eyes
21) feeling free, feeling that I can do whatever I want
22) having fun
23) being an interesting person
24) being a support for my close ones in times of need
25) showing initiative
26) being creative, resourceful, innovative
27) knowing of many places to spend time, have fun, talk
28) spending time actively (sports, etc.)
29) making my girlfriend proud
30) being proud of my girlfriend
31) being with the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with
32) having my own healthy, reliable, trusting family
33) being a good husband and a good father
34) emotional awareness and maturity
35) deep, profound connection with my wife, deep bond with her, understanding each other, having our own private secrets, inside jokes, etc.
36) being able to truly rely on my wife
37) be reliable trustworthy
38) taking care of my own family
39) trust and honesty in my marriage
40) seeing my wife as the best and most beautiful woman in my life
41) experiencing true, everlasting love: loving my wife and being loved by her
42) financial stability
43) being patient and understanding towards my children
44) being a good example to my children , a father they are proud of
45) teaching my children, instilling my knowledge in them
46) seeing my children grow physically, mentally, emotionally
47) spending time with my wife
48) spending time with my children
47) being friends with my children
48) being a good brother and son
49) being self-sufficient (making some minor repairs at home, knowing DIY stuff, fixing a car, etc.; getting things done in general)
50) being autonomous, making my own decisions and living my own life
51) being a support for my parents
52) being helpful, helping others
53) being an example to my kid brother (8 years younger)
54) being a friend with my sister (2 years younger)
55) being a son my parents can be proud of
56) standing up for myself
57) being decisive
58) being respected by myself and others
59) having extensive knowledge about the world
60) physical fitness, agility, endurance, strength
61) being a man who acts and not sit still and do nothing
62) being healthy
63) taking care of myself, eating healthy, having a good hygiene
64) looking attractive, being neat, wearing nice clothes
65) knowing how to behave in various situations
66) playing musical instruments, creating music
67) singing
68) dancing
69) being able to appreciate music, see subtleties in it
70) self-development, personal development, living up to my own potential
71) self-discipline
72) persistence
73) sharing my true self with the world around me
74) diligence at work, professional expertise
75) learning new things, skills
76) sensitivity, being able to notice small things in the world around me
77) being grateful
78) doing the best I can in a given situation (which does not mean perfectionism)

The list of my 'dark side' values:

1) physical pleasure
2) coping with emotions
3) coping with stress
4) excitement
5) novelty
6) feeling satisfied
7) self-sufficiency
8) feeling of control
9) looking forward to excitement
10) variety
11) no responsibility
12) perfectionism
13) instant gratification


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 06, 2017 4:13 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2016 8:13 am
Posts: 37
The prioritized list of my values:

socialising, human contact, communication with people
self-development, personal development, living up to my own potential
learning new things, skills
doing the best I can in a given situation (which does not mean perfectionism)
sharing my true self with the world around me
being self-confident, easy-going
standing up for myself
being healthy
taking care of myself, eating healthy, having a good hygiene
being helpful, helping others
bringing joy to others
physical fitness, agility, endurance, strength
being good at languages, noticing linguistic subtleties, understanding language, understanding puns
looking attractive, being neat, wearing nice clothes
playing musical instruments, creating music
being a good brother and son
sensitivity, being able to notice small things in the world around me
meeting new poeple, getting to know them
bonding with others, connecting at a deeper level
having a good laugh
being an interesting person
being spontaneous
showing initiative
being creative, resourceful, innovative
being a son my parents can be proud of
emotional awareness and maturity
being decisive
being reliable and trustworthy
persistence
self-discipline
being self-sufficient
being autonomous, making my own decisions and living my own life
being a support for my parents
being approachable, open, making new friends easily, being outgoing
being respected by myself and others
being a man who acts and not sit still and do nothing
being able to easily flirt with women
feeling wanted, needed, desired
variety in life
having lots of experiences and adventures, living an interesting life
having great and crazy memories
being a support for my close ones in times of need
making my girlfriend proud
being proud of my girlfriend
knowing of many places to spend time, have fun, talk
having fun
spending time actively (sports, etc.)
knowing how to behave in various situations
being grateful
being able to embrace the moment fully
travelling (the motif of journey itself)
feeling free, feeling that I can do whatever I want
seeing some magnificent, breath-taking places for my own eyes
being able to tell stories in a captivating way
having extensive knowledge about the world
being able to appreciate music, see subtleties in it
singing
dancing
financial stability
being an example to my kid brother (8 years younger)
being a friend with my sister (2 years younger)
being with the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with
having my own healthy, reliable, trusting family
being a good husband and a good father
deep, profound connection with my wife, deep bond with her, understanding each other, having our own private secrets, inside jokes, etc.
being able to truly rely on my wife
be reliable trustworthy
taking care of my own family
trust and honesty in my marriage
seeing my wife as the best and most beautiful woman in my life
experiencing true, everlasting love: loving my wife and being loved by her
being patient and understanding towards my children
being a good example to my children , a father they are proud of
teaching my children, instilling my knowledge in them
seeing my children grow physically, mentally, emotionally
spending time with my wife
spending time with my children
being friends with my children

I put the values related to my wife and my own family at the end because this is the last aspect of my life that I want to focus on - I mean, when I am finally mature.

It is difficult for me to prioritise my values because on different days I think different values are more important for me at a given moment. (This may also be because I have recently started to read and listen to some self-development materials.) And I also feel that meeting some of those value will allow me to meet other as well, that they are somehow interconnected. Nevertheless, here is my list.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 07, 2017 8:29 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2016 8:13 am
Posts: 37
I am finally starting to see that I am really lacking the ability to manage my life well. I haven't masturbated for 3 months and haven't seen any porn for over 6 months and I feel this emptiness, that something is wrong. That it's better than it was, but it can be so much better still.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2017 2:17 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2016 8:13 am
Posts: 37
I did a lot of thinking and decided to get rid of some values on my list, combine some of them and add new values. Below I provide reasons why I decided to do so:

I got rid of the following:

- doing the best I can in a given situation (which does not mean perfectionism) - I think that this is not so much a value per se, but a rule, which ­- if observed - can lead to pursuing my values in a better way. Moreover, although I wrote that it does not mean perfectionism, I think that pursuing that "value" can lead to perfectionism. And perfectionism is also one of my big problems.

- being self-confident, easy going - I think this is not something that I want to pursue, but that it will be one of the effects of pursuing my values - knowing what I want to do with my life, seeing my purpose will allow me to act confidently, i.e. be self-confident. When it comes to the 'easy going' part - I thought here about contacts with other people, but that is already covered in the value related to socialising: in fact, I think that being easy going aroud people will also be a product of spending time with them, of getting used to them.

- being good at languages, noticing linguistic subtleties, understanding language, understanding puns ­- I decided to move it down the list because it is not congruent with what I want to do currently do with my life - sure, I like language in general, I like getting to know interesting things about it and learning English (I'm a Pole), but this might just be a product of me majoring in English (which I chose not because I really wanted to do this, but because I was just good at English at high school). I want to use language as a means of achieving other values (good communication with others, socialising, etc.) and maybe treat is as a hobby of some sort.

- being spontaneous - I think that this is a part of the 'sharing my true self with the world around me' value. Additionally, as I (hopefully) start to love and accept myself, being spontaneous will result automatically.

- being decisive - I think this is not a value I want to pursue as it is. It seems that as I start to get connected to my values more I will also start to be more decisive naturally. I think there is danger in trying to be decisive on purpose, forcefully in a way, because this can lead to artificial decisiveness, deciding fast not because I know what I want to do, but because I think that I should decide fast.

- having a good laugh - although I like the feeling of sincere laugh, I don't think this is a value I want to pursue. I would call it a nice addition and I think once I (hopefully) grow and get on with my recovery, I will laugh sincerely more often.

- being approachable, open, making new friends easily, being outgoing - this is a part of the value related with socialising and I think this will result automatically from me becoming more self confident.

- feeling wanted, needed, desired - I think there is a danger here of doing not what I want, but what I think others want me to do so that they want/need/desire me. I don't want to please people just for the sake of it, I want to do what I want and be wanted/needed/desired then. In other words, this is a feeling I want to have, but not a value that directs what I do in my life to some extent.

- learning new things, skills - this value is covered by the value related to personal development and reaching my full potential.

- being a son my parents can be proud of - I want to honour my parents and be good to them, but I don't want to do things just to please them. I want to do what I want to do. I want to strengthen my role as a son towards them, but when I want to do something that is not appealing to them, I want to do this anyway. Moreover, this is not something I have a direct influence on. This is why I removed that value from my list.

- being a good brother and son; being an example to my kid brother (8 years younger); being a friend with my sister (2 years younger); being a support for my parents - I decided to get rid of those for the sake of strengthening my role as a brother and strengthening my role as a son for better clarity.

- standing up for myself - this value is covered by the value related to respect from myself and others.

- seeing my wife as the best and most beautiful woman in my life - this is not something I want to strive for. This is something that will result from me and my wife working on our marriage together.

- being and interesting person - I think this will be the result of me working on my self-worth, developing self-confidence, having a lot of adventures and experiences and being able to tell stories in a captivating way.

- emotional awareness and maturity - the way I understand it, this is one of the main objectives of the Workshop, at some point it will start to develop automatically when I work on my other values, so there is no point in pursuing this value on purpose. Alternatively, it can be seen as a component part of the value related to personal development.

- variety in life - I decided to get rid of this value as it is already included in 'having lots of experiences and adventures, living an interesting life' and that latter value is more depictive.

- being helpful, helping others - there is a danger in pursuing this value. I used to do so and it distracted me from taking care of myself and my problems. As a result, I felt miserable. I think I used to do this because I thought I should. Helping others seems to be another side effect - when I feel my self-worth and am satisfied with mysef, this will come naturally and will make me happy. I realised this is not something to pursue on purpose.

I also decided to do something with 1) being healthy, 2) taking care of myself, eating healthy, having a good hygiene and 3) looking attractive, being neat, wearing nice clothes. I decided to combine them and formed 2 values out of them: being healthy and taking care of myself and looking attractive, being neat, wearing nice clothes because I think those two better show different aspects of taking care of myself.

I also added a new value: self-worth. I am currently having a lot of problems with this aspect of myself and this is one of the things I want to focus on right now. Therefore, I decided to put this very high on the list of my values.

So, to sum up:

I removed the following values:
- doing the best I can in a given situation (which does not mean perfectionism)
- being self-confident, easy going
- being good at languages, noticing linguistic subtleties, understanding language, understanding puns
- being spontaneous
- being decisive
- having a good laugh
- being approachable, open, making new friends easily, being outgoing
- feeling wanted, needed, desired
- learning new things, skills
- being a son my parents can be proud of
- being a good brother and son
- being an example to my kid brother (8 years younger)
- being a friend with my sister (2 years younger)
- being a support for my parents
- standing up for myself
- being healthy
- taking care of myself, eating healthy, having a good hygiene
- seeing my wife as the best and most beautiful woman in my life
- being an interesting person
- emotional awareness and maturity
- variety in life
- being helpful, helping others

I added the following values:
- being healthy and taking care of myself
- looking attractive, being neat, wearing nice clothes
- self-worth
-strengthening my role as a son
-strengthening my role as a brother

Therefore, the updated list of my values (in order) looks like this:

self-worth
socialising, human contact, communication with people
self-development, personal development, living up to my own potential
sharing my true self with the world around me
being respected by myself and others
being self-sufficient
being autonomous, making my own decisions and living my own life
having lots of experiences and adventures, living an interesting life
being healthy and taking care of myself
physical fitness, agility, endurance, strength
looking attractive, being neat, wearing nice clothes
bringing joy to others
strengthening my role as a son
self-discipline
meeting new people, getting to know them
bonding with others, connecting at a deeper level
showing initiative
being creative, resourceful, innovative
being reliable and trustworthy
persistence
strengthening my role as a brother
being a man who acts and not sit still and do nothing
being able to easily flirt with women
having great and crazy memories
being a support for my close ones in times of need
making my girlfriend proud
being proud of my girlfriend
knowing of many places to spend time, have fun, talk
having fun
spending time actively (sports, etc.)
knowing how to behave in various situations
being grateful
being able to embrace the moment fully
travelling (the motif of journey itself)
feeling free, feeling that I can do whatever I want
seeing some magnificent, breath-taking places for my own eyes
being able to tell stories in a captivating way
having extensive knowledge about the world
sensitivity, being able to notice small things in the world around me
being able to appreciate music, see subtleties in it
playing musical instruments, creating music
singing
dancing
financial stability
having my own healthy, reliable, trusting family
being a good husband and a good father
deep, profound connection with my wife, deep bond with her, understanding each other, having our own private secrets, inside jokes, etc.
being able to truly rely on my wife
be reliable trustworthy
taking care of my own family
trust and honesty in my marriage
experiencing true, everlasting love: loving my wife and being loved by her
being patient and understanding towards my children
being a good example to my children , a father they are proud of
teaching my children, instilling my knowledge in them
seeing my children grow physically, mentally, emotionally
spending time with my wife
spending time with my children
being friends with my children
being good at languages, noticing linguistic subtleties, understanding language, understanding puns


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2017 2:28 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2016 8:13 am
Posts: 37
As I still live with my parents and they have been strongly affected by my mood swings and inability to cope with my emotions, I decided to tell my father about the problem with my addiction. The talk was very exhausting for me, it was difficult, but it was worth it. Now I have someone I can talk to about that, I don't have to pretend everything is OK. Now he sees that I need him and he wants to help me.

It was a very good decision.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18, 2017 4:39 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2016 8:13 am
Posts: 37
Lesson 5: Value congruency

I changed the order of some of my values and the final list looks like this:

self-worth
socialising, human contact, communication with people
self-development, personal development, living up to my own potential
sharing my true self with the world around me
being respected by myself and others
being self-sufficient
being autonomous, making my own decisions and living my own life
bringing joy to others
having lots of experiences and adventures, living an interesting life
looking attractive, being neat, wearing nice clothes
physical fitness, agility, endurance, strength
being healthy and taking care of myself
dancing
strengthening my role as a son
self-discipline
meeting new people, getting to know them
bonding with others, connecting at a deeper level
being able to easily flirt with women
being able to appreciate music, see subtleties in it
showing initiative
being creative, resourceful, innovative
being reliable and trustworthy
persistence
strengthening my role as a brother
being a man who acts and not sit still and do nothing
having great and crazy memories
being a support for my close ones in times of need
making my girlfriend proud
being proud of my girlfriend
knowing of many places to spend time, have fun, talk
having fun
spending time actively (sports, etc.)
knowing how to behave in various situations
being grateful
being able to embrace the moment fully
travelling (the motif of journey itself)
feeling free, feeling that I can do whatever I want
seeing some magnificent, breath-taking places for my own eyes
being able to tell stories in a captivating way
having extensive knowledge about the world
sensitivity, being able to notice small things in the world around me
playing musical instruments, creating music
singing
financial stability
having my own healthy, reliable, trusting family
being a good husband and a good father
deep, profound connection with my wife, deep bond with her, understanding each other, having our own private secrets, inside jokes, etc.
being able to truly rely on my wife
be reliable trustworthy
taking care of my own family
trust and honesty in my marriage
experiencing true, everlasting love: loving my wife and being loved by her
being patient and understanding towards my children
being a good example to my children , a father they are proud of
teaching my children, instilling my knowledge in them
seeing my children grow physically, mentally, emotionally
spending time with my wife
spending time with my children
being friends with my children
being good at languages, noticing linguistic subtleties, understanding language, understanding puns

I also have trouble with the values connected with intimacy. I think that having that special someone that can understand you very well and vice versa, that you can be very intimate with - and by this I mean a girlfriend (and later on a wife) - is something I truly desire. So I would like to put it very high on my list.
There are, however, two points to consider here: 1) I think I am not ready to be in such a serious relationship right now and in the several months to come, so I won't. Over the course of the following months I am to learn how to derive true value from my 15 or so values and the only way to derive true value from being intimate with someone is to, well, be intimate with someone, i.e. be in a serious relationship, which I am not yet ready to commit to. So I'm in a bit of a pickle here; 2) it might be that it is some kind of instant gratification craving, I mean: "When I meet someone special there will be some magic and PUFF I will recover instantly." I don't think it works that way, so - better safe than sorry (at least in this case).
Therefore, I decided to exclude those values from my top 15 values, at least for now.

My top 15 values are as follows:

self-worth
socialising, human contact, communication with people
self-development, personal development, living up to my own potential
sharing my true self with the world around me
being respected by myself and others
being self-sufficient
being autonomous, making my own decisions and living my own life
bringing joy to others
having lots of experiences and adventures, living an interesting life
looking attractive, being neat, wearing nice clothes
physical fitness, agility, endurance, strength
being healthy and taking care of myself
dancing
strengthening my role as a son
self-discipline


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 20, 2017 6:42 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2016 8:13 am
Posts: 37
Lesson 6: Building Proactive Action Plans I

Action plan for physical fitness, agility, endurance, strength:
1) do 10 push-ups right after I get out of bed in the morning
2) do 20 push-ups and 20 squats right after I brush my teeth before going to bed
3) every time I go out or come back home - take the stairs instead of lift (I live on the 9th floor)
4) attend two krav maga training sessions a week
5) every time I don't want to exercise because I'm tired, say to myself that I will be proud of myself afterwards

Action plan for looking attractive, being neat, wearing nice clothes:
1) stick to my hygiene routine (brushing my teeth, cleaning my face, taking a shower)
2) shave every 2 or 3 days
3) take a shower right after krav maga training sessions - don't forget to pack a shower gel and a towel
4) examine my shoes once a week and if they are dirty, clean them
5) examine my elegant shoes a day before I intend to wear them and clean and polish them if necessary
6) buy a nice coat in the nearest future
7) buy a nice pair of shoes for winter in the nearest future
8) read an article/watch a video on how to look good once a week (preferably on Saturday or Sunday)
9) make sure each time I go out I look neat and smell nice
10) get rid of the clothes I don't wear anymore


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 25, 2017 5:18 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2016 8:13 am
Posts: 37
I read my Recovery Thread again and I found that I provided little information about myself and my problem. Therefore I decided to say something more. To all of you who read my Thread, maybe it will shed some light on my current situation.

About me:
I am 25 years old and I am an English-Polish translator, I live with my parents. My problem with pornography and masturbation started at the age of 11. I found some adult pictures and games and then I discovered masturbation. Little did I know back then, what consequences would that have in my life.

I was also addicted to computer games and later to the Internet – instead of going out when I was a teenager and socialise, I used to sit in front of the screen at home, playing games or surfing the web. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I did not go out at all, I did, but my life revolved around my computer, I was not interested in reality, I was thinking about games most of the time. That changed a bit when I was at the university – on and off, I tried to quit playing computer games, but as I had not real social skills, I didn’t know how to socialise well. Hence I became very frustrated. Right now, though, the situations improved: I don’t sit at the computer just for the sake of it – when I do, I do it for a specific purpose. Still, there are some negative consequences of wasting so much time on computer in the past.

I decided to fight my masturbation and pornography addiction right before I went to the university. I struggled a lot, but I didn’t realise at the time that it may affect my life and my development so much. I did it for religious reasons. I knew it was a serious sin and that I have to get rid of it, but I was in the dark when it comes to the real effects of my addiction. I didn’t see it as a problem affecting my entire life. For some reason I thought (until a month ago) that once I achieve abstinence, everything else would magically fall in place.

Until June 2016 I had no proper girlfriend (just a one-month relationship, but it wasn’t anything serious). Then I got together with this girl. She was looking for a serious relationship. And then I started to see how immature I am. I realised my self-esteem was very low, I was struggling with my emotions, I didn’t know what I want in life, I couldn’t take responsibility for my actions, I didn’t know if I wanted to be with her or not. The relationship ended – I decided that she deserves so much better and I also couldn’t stand the uncertainty on my part.

Then I started searching. I stumbled upon some materials about the functioning of human brain under stimulation of porn (dopamine, neural paths, etc.). I joined the noFap community. All in all, I haven’t watched porn since June 2016 (when I started going out with that girl) and I haven’t masturbated since mid-October 2016. I want more, though. I see that abstinence is not enough, that I have to do something more about the addiction and its consequences. I want to finally “log out to life”, so to speak.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 28, 2017 7:24 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2016 8:13 am
Posts: 37
Lesson 7: Building Proactive Action Plans II

I managed to create action plans for some of my values, but not all yet. The rest will come soon.

Action plan for self-worth:
1) write affirmation "I am a worthy man" 20 times every day
2) do a gratitude list at the end of the day, focusing especially on what you specifically did to make that day better
3) visualise yourself as a man with high self-esteem
4) go to a therapist
5) do online courses of self-esteem, emotional intelligence and self-acceptance
6) every time you hear the voice of your inner critic, dismiss that thought and think "get out of my head, you are just a thinking habit and soon you will be gone"
7) when you fail at something, don't be too hard on yourself, don't beat yourself up over it; realise that everybody makes mistakes and that nobody is perfect and then move on

Action plan for socialising, human contact, communication with people:
1) if somebody invites you to a meeting, don't refuse
2) organise a meeting with friends once a month
3) look for events where you can socialise and attend those meetings
4) work on your social anxiety:
- go to cafes (even alone) once in a while
- if you feel like having a small talk - start talking, don't be afraid
- remember that the outcome is not important - what is important is that you plucked up the courage and started to talk
- don't despair if you feel overwhelmed during a conversation or are at a loss for topics to talk about - realise that it will come with time
- strike up conversations with girls - even if very short ones
5) work on your speech delivery in social situations
- record a 2-minute reading of some book and then listen to it
- while recording, speak slowly and focus on easily pronouncing every word, don't rush, don't be tense
- go to a speech therapist
- speak more slowly in social setting, take your time
- if you stutter or say something too fast so that you are not understood, don't beat yourself over it and move on
6) work on your communication skills
- learn how to get your messages across clearly and concisely
- learn not to interrupt unnecessarily when someone else is talking
- learn to listen attentively
- read articles on how to communicate well
- apply those articles in practice
7) have some plans every weekend - don't end up sitting at home alone
8) if you end up having no plans at the weekend, go out alone anywhere - don't linger at home
9) make sure you have something interseting to say: read articles, some news, get interested in the world in general

Action plan for self-development, personal development, living up to my own potential:
1) read at least 10 pages of a good book every day
2) remind yourself as often as possible that the best and the only moment to work on yourself is always right now
3) every time you take the bus to get somewhere, listen to some personal development material
4) extend your library so that you don't run out of good books to read
5) keep a journal - write in it at least once a day
6) recognise that personal development is hard work and that it takes time - be patient
7) create a list of short- and long-term goals and stick to it
8) read your journal from time to time
9) every 2 or 3 months listen to courses and materials on personal development again for better understanding and seeing - based on your own perception of them - how you have developmed over the course of those 2 or 3 months
10) get out of your comfort zone on purpose once a week

Action plan for sharing my true self with the world around me:
1) every time somebody calls you and asks where you are what you are doing, simply tell the truth
2) when you don't agree with something during a discussion/conversation, say it openly
3) smile when you feel like it - even to strangers - and realise there is nothing wrong with it
4) don't try hard to be all smiling and happy when you aren't - realise that you don't have to look happy all the time, it's perfectly OK
5) when somebody does something to you that you don't like - say it openly and assertively
6) learn how to be assertive
- attend an assertiveness course
- read articles on assertiveness
- apply those articles in real life situations
- take an online course on assertiveness
7) when something stirs your feelings when you are with somebody, communicate it - if you can't do it with express emotions or are ashamed to do so, just say it without much expression
8) don't pay too much attention to what others may think of you
9) when you feel like doing something spontaneous (in a healthy way) - do it
10) if you don't know something, just say it instead of pretending that you know it
11) realise you don't have to be Mr Perfect
12) if you make a mistake, confess to it, don't pretend as if it didn't happen
13) act so that you don'tfeel that you have to lie about what you do

Action plan for being respected by myself and others:
1) when you have some need (e.g. you want to go to the toilet or you need to attend to some errand) and you can meet that need under your current circumstances, do so
2) when somebody asks you to do something, don't agree right away, but first think whether you want to do it
3) when you agree to do something, put some effort in it so that you do it well
4) when you give your word, keep it
5) when somebody tries to violate/use you in any way, stand up for yourself
6) realise that you also are a person and you need to take care of yourself, not only of others
7) learn how to defend yourself against physical assaults
8) realise that it is impossible to be liked by everybody
9) realise that its's not the end of the world when somebody doesn't like you or is angry with you

Action plan for being self-sufficient:
1) learn how to cook properly
2) learn how to do you laundry properly
3) learn the basics of the law necessary for proper functioning
4) think of things to be done ahead of time, don't procrastinate
5) talk with your mother about her stopping helping you do the housework - it will be better for you and will relieve your mother

Action plan for being autonomous, making my own decisions and living my own life
1) move out of your parents' place
2) when faced with a decision to amke, make it on your own
3) when you need advice on something, make sure you educate yourself on that matter and make a preliminary decision in the first place
4) don't wait for somebody to help you in social setting - deal with it on your own and draw your own conclusions from it
5) don't base your opinions and views on those of others - explore it all by yourself
6) when you want to go somewhere, go there even when nobody you know wants to go there with you

Action plan for being healthy and taking care of myself:
1) keep your hygiene routine: brushing your teeth, rinsing your mouth with mouthwash, taking a shower every day, cleaning your face
2) work on your posture
3) at work, do a very short stretching routine 4 or 5 times
4) have a healthy diet:
- cut down on sugar, fast food, fuzzy drinks
- eat 2 vegetables and 2 fruit every day
- learn about healthy ways to eat (books, articles, etc.)
- drink at least 1 bottle of water a day
5) go to the doctor to consult neck pain
6) got to the dentist for a check-up regularly
7) sleep about 8 hours daily

Action plan for strengthening my role as a son:
1) maintaining contact:
- when come come home, say at least hi to your mother and father
- ask them how was their day
- if they want to talk to you, listen to them
- if you don't have time to listen to them, say it without irritation
- strike up conversations with them
- spend time with them (eating dinner together, sitting at the same table working on your notebooks, etc.)
2) helping
- if they want you to help them, do it
- if you don't have to to help them, say that you don't have time right now and help them later
- do something little for them every now and then - prepare a cup of tea, ask if they want something, turn off the light when you find them asleep, etc.
- think of what they may need and do it without asking
3) honesty
- if you don't agree with something they say, don't pretend otherwise
- colour what you say with emotion
- don't be afraid to show that you're happy with or proud of something, sad, excited, etc.
4) showing that you care
- ask them about an event they told you about (e.g. " How was that conversation you had to have?")
- remember about their birthday, give them a present preferably
- remember about their wedding anniversary
- remember about the Mother's Day and the Father's Day
5) learn to look at them as persons with their own thoughts and feelings, not as persons meet your needs with

Action plan for self-discipline:
1) work on developing one positive habit at a time
2) work on kicking one negative habit at a time
3) be consistent - if you decide to do 10 push-ups a day, do 10 push-ups, no more, no less
4) should you fail to do something you intended to do one day, don't despair and give up on that activity - go on with it the following day and on
5) learn about the nature of willpower
6) recognise that whenever you don't feel like doing something you intended to do, this is THE time to do it as this is when your disciple develops the most
8) if you don't feel like doing something, think about what it will do for you - visualise the final result
9) if you find yourself surfing the web aimlessly (at work or wherever you are), stop immediately without trying to rationalise it
10) practice meditation to improve your focus
11) take cold showers


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 4:36 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2016 8:13 am
Posts: 37
Action plan for dancing:
1) attend a dancing course
2) dance to music at home
3) go to dancing parties/clubs

Action plan for bringing joy to others:
1) smile to shop assistands, restaurant workers, etc.
2) small talk with them
3) smile to strangers you pass in the street or on the bus
4) give compliments to people
5) tell jokes in social setting
6) remember abour birthdays of your friends/family members and about varous occasions
7) do somebody a favour every now and then

Action plan for having lots of experiences and adventures, living an interesting life:
1) go to places you have never been before
2) travel to foreign countries
3) hitchhike
4) search for events with various subject matters and attend them
5) read a lot of articles about various interesting things and try them out in real life
6) take various courses/workshops
7) change your job


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