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PostPosted: Mon Jan 02, 2017 10:11 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 02, 2017 7:21 am
Posts: 4
I am just starting. It may take some time to familiarize myself with the process. While reading the introduction posts, I was impressed by the implication that my inability to overcome the urges that drive my behavior denotes that I am immature. There is a very real part of my persona that has not yet matured into an independent reliable adult, and I am struggling to move forward with that growth.

The format of this website is not terribly user friendly. I'm not really sure where to go to find my initial steps. I wanted to introduce myself, and at least start, so here I am. I am hopeful.


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PostPosted: Mon Jan 02, 2017 11:26 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 02, 2017 7:21 am
Posts: 4
REFLECTION ON THE THREE KEYS TO ESTABLISH THE NECESSARY FOUNDATION FOR PERMANENT CHANGE


1) ACTIVE COMMITMENT TO CHANGE

I am so inconsistent. I desire, and I wish, and I hope to change. I am so plagued by past failure that anxiety and fear permeate those desires. I enjoy the release that comes with my behavior, that comes with the act of fantasy and masturbation. I have become so accustomed the act and the feeling that I, in many ways, do not fear the consequences of it.

That said, I recognize in myself a dual being, a Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde. I recognize the compassion and the peace, the enlightenment that is possible when and if I can tame and redirect my urges. I recognize the immaturity and weakness inherent in allowing those urges to control me. I see the missed opportunities, the disqualification for better things. I see my potential, and with each surrender to my passions, that potential dissipates, it erodes away to impossibility.

I desire the peace that I imagine will come with self-mastery. I desire the joy that comes with freedom from vice. I desire the confidence and clarity that comes with emotional maturity. I want to act and create. I want the ability to direct my life, accomplish my dreams, and feel the empowering satisfaction that comes with such accomplishment. I see that bright future, and it is beyond my capacity to grasp right now. I am a child. I have not harnessed the power in me to control my life. I want it. I want to grow up. I want to be emotionally stable. I want to be able to contribute consistently without the fear of everything crumbling to hypocrisy and shame.

I want to see the joy that comes when sex and love reach a tangible completion, rather than drive me to oblivion and loneliness.

I hope that is enough. I hope I can harness in on that image of the immature, corrupt, pathetic being I allow myself to become and completely reject the possibility of that existence when my urges come. I desire life. I want to leave the sheltered, limited existence I languish in now.

I want my love to be real. I am ready to leave my childishness behind and mature into who I am meant to become.

Help me see how to make it happen. I feel emboldened by what I have experienced so far with this workshop, and I believe it will happen.


2) DO NOT ALLOW GUILT AND SHAME TO SABOTAGE MY COMMITMENT TO CHANGE

Is it possible to disconnect myself from my shame. Can I see it coming, identify that emotion, separate myself from it, and banish it for the falsehood it is?

Or, is my shame justified? Is it necessary as a demonstration of contrition and will my shame catalyze my efforts to move ahead? What is real? And what is not? What is contrived? And what is necessary? Do I need to allow myself to accept the shame, to recognize it as part of who I am and seek some way to build through it? I have lived so long with shame, is it possible to eliminate it?

3) ALLOW MYSELF TIME TO CHANGE

Pacing. How do I pace my efforts? I strive for abstinence. I actively seek to control my thoughts and my desires for release. I can’t make it past a week before I fail.

Is it just a matter of gaining proper tools? If so, I believe I can pace my efforts in learning and familiarizing myself with those tools. My will is there, I just have not been able yet to accomplish what I will to accomplish.

Insanity is trying the same approach over and over and expecting a new result. I am willing to try a new approach, and I am willing to give myself the time necessary to develop these skills.

I seek stimulation. I need it. I become bored so easily, and so often as I start something new, I am excited by it, my need for stimulation is met and I work at it. Inevitably, however, I will get bored by it, stimulation is no longer met, and I leave it seeking some other form of stimulation. I see this need as the largest barrier to giving myself time to allow the program to work. How do I overcome this need? Is it a need, or is it just another fault in my persona?


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 03, 2017 1:09 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3856
Location: UK
Hello Lovingly and welcome to RN

its great to see you asking yourself questions
I called it peeling back my layers
discovering who I was and what I had become
this is important for we addicts as in our addiction we have denied, lied and hidden ourselves

Quote:
I desire, and I wish, and I hope to change.

unfortunately that is not enough, but change is inevitable, however with TOTAL commitment YOU DO get the opportunity to choose the direction of this change

Quote:
I have become so accustomed the act and the feeling that I, in many ways, do not fear the consequences of it.


you should Hyde or Jekyll


Quote:
I desire the joy that comes with freedom from vice. I desire the confidence and clarity that comes with emotional maturity. I want to act and create. I want the ability to direct my life, accomplish my dreams, and feel the empowering satisfaction that comes with such accomplishment.
and this tells me that you actually do Jekyll or Hyde




Quote:
Is it possible to disconnect myself from my shame
. Temporarily and for now yes, otherwise you may affect you journey by giving yourself excuses



Quote:
I seek stimulation. I need it. I become bored so easily,


a very common trait in addicts and many start out here with good intent only to disappears when progress slows and it always does so


so if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination


remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 05, 2017 11:19 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 02, 2017 7:21 am
Posts: 4
Thank you for your support. It is very encouraging.

10 to 15 reasons I want to change.

I have temporary glimpses of the REAL Joy I can have with my wife. I want those glimpses to realize.

I love my kids. I want to be able to fully engage with them.

I want to be confident that the good I do is on a solid foundation.

I want to be free to pursue true mastery of my talents.

I am capable of so much more than I what I now am.

I want to develop real integrity, to be honest, to be true.

I want to love myself with the same compassion that I love others.

I want to be in control of my thoughts.

I want to have an increased capacity to love others.

I want to be healthy.

I want to develop real friendships, to be able to open myself up to others.

I want to be able to express true gratitude.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 19, 2017 11:27 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 02, 2017 7:21 am
Posts: 4
My Life's Vision:

I wish to help and impact the lives of countless individuals for good. I wish to inspire others to be good. I wish to give hope and capacity, and bring others to experience the joy of learning, of working, and of accomplishment.

I wish to explore my questions, and find understanding. I wish to see the workings of the world, and understand the mechanisms of creation, to explore ideas, and apply my knowledge to better the existence of my children.

I want to know my wife, to be intimately connected to her. I want to share my hopes, dreams, difficulties, joys, inspiration, and love with her.

I want to be faithful to the end of my life, to remember my Savior and keep his teachings in my mind and in my heart.

I want to be strong, to exercise discernment. I no longer want to fear. I want to be able to resist temptation.

I want to learn the words of the Prophets, to gain spiritual understanding, to exercise compassion to those who are weaker than me, to be prayerful, and obedient to the guidance of God. I wish to cultivate a strong knowledge of God, and to share this knowledge with all those I associate with.

I wish to hold my wife in great esteem and affection, to protect her as long as I live. I wish to cultivate wisdom and understanding sufficient guard and to counsel my children, to guide my children to be good and worthy servants of God.

I wish to serve in the kingdom of God, to seek out my talents, and to be able to call them forth in time of need, and to apply these talents in the service of others.

I wish to be strong in the service of God, to be a worthy instrument in his work, to be a peacemaker, to promote tranquility and light, and to make friends with all I meet.

I wish to be clear in mind, healthy in body, and strong in will. I wish to be able to seek and find inspiration in my prayers. I wish to valiantly stand with my fellow man and eschew all that is evil, to bind the vices that serve as stumbling blocks for growth.

I wish to guide, protect, and teach my children to follow the words of the Savior, to be there for them when they are in need of the safety of my arms or the comfort and strength of my voice.

I wish to be truly grateful, to accomplish much good, and find many choice companions. I wish to find much joy and riches in the accomplishments of my wife, my children, my friends, and my students.


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