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PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2017 9:21 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jan 21, 2017 9:46 am
Posts: 2
Hey everyone, I am brand new here. I've been reading the workshops in recovery nation but never got around to actually posting anything as of yet. Don't know why, just trying to soak everything in and figure out what steps I need to do. The questions that I need to ask myself, the values that I feel I believe...maybe it's all a joke, I don't know.

My wife found porn on my tablet a couple of weeks ago and let's just say that she was less than pleased. I never have in my life before thought about how this impacts others around me, but this was the first time I game face to face with that realization of what I do impacts others around me. I guess I always thought that if I could keep it hidden, clear the histories and whatnot...why would it bother anyone.

I've been doing it for years. There have been times where I've been heavy into it and then times when I've stopped for months on end. I feel that it's something like a break from the day to day, the mundane of family life and living the "typical" suburban lifestyle. Instead of waking the wife up, let her sleep, take care of things myself...it would be easier and better for everyone...no harm, no foul.

Needless to say, it's so much more than that now. Getting a call at work on the way home and knowing that something bad is waiting, and then finding out what it is...and the realization that everything you have fought for, worked for, and lived for could be gone in an instant because you were so selfish. Talk about a wake-up call.

Since this has happened, I haven't looked at porn. To tell you the truth, it really hasn't been that hard to stop...granted it's only been two weeks, but it hasn't been a problem. I feel that it's probably more the fear of God that was put into me that has helped this, because based on everything I'm reading it's not that easy.

I am going to start working on the workshop exercises. I'm not going to lie, a part of me thinks that I can just stop and not look bad...but, damn that sounds like an addict, does it? :)

It's nice to see that there are other people out there like me trying to get better, trying to get their life back in order before they lose everything they hold dear. My wife and my family are the most important things in my life and I can't imagine what my life would be without them in it...so, one way or the other...I need to fix things and get my life in order.

I look forward to everyone's help on this. We're all in the same boat, granted my boat my be taking on more water than others.

RF


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 06, 2017 8:11 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3856
Location: UK
Hi RF
and welcome to Recovery Nation
Quote:
but never got around to actually posting anything as of yet. Don't know why, just trying to soak everything in and figure out what steps I need to do. The questions that I need to ask myself, the values that I feel I believe...maybe it's all a joke, I don't know.


perhaps you have not posted because you fear being pigeon holed, you will not, we are all starting from a shitty place and we are all frightened to let go of our "friend"

perhaps it is that fear?
perhaps you do see it as a joke, but not a funny one
addicts do find denial easy
however whilst you are here be positive
recovery is very possible if you really want it
prove to yourself that you do want recovery not just abstinence
We are there for you and you know that you need to be there for you to
so what is there to lose
lets give it a go
Lesson 2 :pe:
looking forwards to seeing you progress good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 11, 2017 9:29 am 
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Joined: Sat Jan 21, 2017 9:46 am
Posts: 2
Kenzo,

Thanks for the feedback, I believe it's probably all of those things you've talked about before and i feel that these readings and classes are going to help. It's finding that time away from the day to day of family, activities, kids taxis to be able to just sit and reflect on these things.

Looking back at the first set of activities...

1) actively committing yourself to change:
Well, after I was found out, one of the first immediate steps that the wife and I did together was smash the tablet with a hammer. I think that even is this was just an example for show, it does help my addiction because for some reason I only viewed porn on that tablet. I don't do it on this computer and I would never think about it at work. I also think that being open with my wife helps as well, while this is a very low part of my life, also a part of me feels like it's been lifted now that I don't have to hide this anymore.

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change: I don't think I am going to have this problem, or maybe just not the way it's listed out here. I don't see how guilt or shame can sabotage, I understand the cycle...you do it, you feel shame, you need is a release, you do it again, you feel shame. I am just not seeing that yet. Maybe I will, and it's good to have this in the back of my mind.

3) allowing yourself time to change: This I think is a big one, this isn't going to happen overnight...especially with the day to day of life going on by. You can't just stop everything that you're doing and focus on this, life has to continue as well. I think this also goes for my wife as well as myself, I have to keep it in mind that this is effecting her just as much as me, and while I feel that I'm got this kicked, she is still "recovering" as well. I need to show her everyday that I'm making little differences, little positive impacts (such as still talking here), things like that will help. But, at the same time I need to keep in mind in the back of my head that I cheated on her with this and that is something that she will need to take time to get over if she ever does. Life just doesn't go back to normal after a couple of positive weeks. Trust takes time to build, and I destroyed that over my addiction...but I'm working on it.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 03, 2017 6:46 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3856
Location: UK
Hello RF
Quote:

It's finding that time away from the day to day of family,

sorry but this is simply an excuse
we all find/found plenty of time to feed our addictive "needs"
if recovery is to be attained it needs to become a priority
:pe: :pe: :pe: :pe: :pe: :pe: :pe:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 16, 2017 1:58 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3856
Location: UK
RF
Quote:
I am going to start working on the workshop exercises. I'm not going to lie, a part of me thinks that I can just stop and not look bad...but, damn that sounds like an addict, does it? :)

It's nice to see that there are other people out there like me trying to get better, trying to get their life back in order before they lose everything they hold dear. My wife and my family are the most important things in my life and I can't imagine what my life would be without them in it...so, one way or the other...I need to fix things and get my life in order.

It has been a while, what is keeping you away? I suggest your addiction, what do you have to lose?
compare that to the gains
please choose wisely

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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