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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2017 3:06 pm 
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Exercise 14: Develop a Daily Monitoring List/Practice Using it Daily for 14 days


1) Did I act in a way that I respected today, was my behavior consistent with my values? Yes

2) Did I engage in any unhealthy behaviors/ unrealistic fantasy thinking/ any triggers? Struggled a little with sexual feelings last night, these typically will be better when I wake up in the am. Struggled a bit when B was gone this am with feeling lonely wishing I had affection/romantic relationship again. This got better just talking and interacting with B- a possible healthy substitute?

3) Did I act with confidence and self awareness or was I operating out of a fear based place? For the most part yes

4) Did I practice honesty/being brave and open? Yes, B and I had a good conversation about what starting a new relationship would look like.

5) Did I share myself with B today? My thoughts/reflections, things that happened to me, my feelings? Yes

6) Did I work on taking care of my own needs today instead of putting that on others? Did I manage my own feelings and happiness? Yes

7) Did I practice healthy behaviors today? Sleep, eating, exercise, meditation... Yes, ate well, went for a run

8) Did I practice big picture thinking/not lumping problems together/lengthen the timeline? Struggled a little with timeline issues early on as above, wishing I could have the frosting (affection/sex) when I haven't baked the cake yet (a solid mature relationship)

9) Did I remember what I am grateful for today? Will do that now :)

10) Did I practice gaman today? Did I operate from a place of patience, dignity and grace? Yes

11) Was I mindful today? Did I practice self honesty regarding feelings, stressors, trigger and the real motivations for how I choose to interact with my wife and others? Yes

12) Was I interested in B? Did I ask her how she feels or what she wants? Yes. Asked to help and took over a task causing B some anxiety

13) Did I practice empathy today? Did I put B first? Was I giving? Yes told B that I accept her even if she is anxious or having a bad day. It doesn't bother me, I'm there for her

14) Was I mindful of B's boundaries? Did I give her space? I think so. I dealt with uncomfortable feelings on my own without laying them on her

15) Have I been approaching life with creativity and spontaneity? Did I try anything a new way? Yes, this monitoring program is new. I feel positive about it.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 20, 2017 8:10 pm 
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I was out of town do this covers Sat, Sun, Monday 2/18-20

Exercise 14: Develop a Daily Monitoring List/Practice Using it Daily for 14 days


1) Did I act in a way that I respected today, was my behavior consistent with my values? Yes for the most part I felt balanced and had a fun weekend

2) Did I engage in any unhealthy behaviors/ unrealistic fantasy thinking/ any triggers? Sat. night after having a nice conversation and relaxing time with B, I asked her for sex. I was feeling good about myself and her and felt close and connected so that feeling flowed to wanting more. She was patient but firm and politely kicked me out of the bedroom. It could have been worse, but I already know the reasons why she didn't feel comfortable, I didn't need to ask her for that and it probably didn't really feel like I was putting her first. I think I could have been more patient and not engaged in the fantasy of we are so into each other and connected, the next step is sex. The up side is we ended up having sex yesterday night spontaneously which felt good. I feel calm today not worried if something has changed, not taking that as a sign of anything in particular. Just going with the flow.

3) Did I act with confidence and self awareness or was I operating out of a fear based place? I give myself about a 4 out of 5

4) Did I practice honesty/being brave and open? Yes

5) Did I share myself with B today? My thoughts/reflections, things that happened to me, my feelings? Yes I think I did a little each day.

6) Did I work on taking care of my own needs today instead of putting that on others? Did I manage my own feelings and happiness? I did try and was successful doing the things I wanted to do on my days off to feel like I had a good weekend. But did burden B with the request for sex.

7) Did I practice healthy behaviors today? Sleep, eating, exercise, meditation... Hit or miss over the last 3 days but this was kind of a holiday weekend so did fun things that made me happy so that was taking care of myself I suppose

8) Did I practice big picture thinking/not lumping problems together/lengthen the timeline? Yes I think so

9) Did I remember what I am grateful for today? Yes spending relaxing time with my family at our cabin made me grateful.

10) Did I practice gaman today? Did I operate from a place of patience, dignity and grace? Yes except for the slip up Sat evening

11) Was I mindful today? Did I practice self honesty regarding feelings, stressors, trigger and the real motivations for how I choose to interact with my wife and others?

12) Was I interested in B? Did I ask her how she feels or what she wants? Yes made a point to.

13) Did I practice empathy today? Did I put B first? Was I giving? Yes

14) Was I mindful of B's boundaries? Did I give her space? Saturday, as above, could have done better.

15) Have I been approaching life with creativity and spontaneity? Did I try anything a new way? Yes


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 21, 2017 10:05 pm 
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Exercise 14: Develop a Daily Monitoring List/Practice Using it Daily for 14 days 2/21/16 Tuesday


1) Did I act in a way that I respected today, was my behavior consistent with my values? Yes. Did have the urge to look at some inappropriate stuff on the internet but did not, seemed like a hassle and I didn't want to have to think about lying about it or covering it up.

2) Did I engage in any unhealthy behaviors/ unrealistic fantasy thinking/ any triggers? No, feeling pretty balanced

3) Did I act with confidence and self awareness or was I operating out of a fear based place? Yes

4) Did I practice honesty/being brave and open? Minimal contact with my wife but good interactions

5) Did I share myself with B today? My thoughts/reflections, things that happened to me, my feelings? Above

6) Did I work on taking care of my own needs today instead of putting that on others? Did I manage my own feelings and happiness? Yes

7) Did I practice healthy behaviors today? Sleep, eating, exercise, meditation... Yes, exercised dieting a little

8) Did I practice big picture thinking/not lumping problems together/lengthen the timeline? So So. Did find myself wondering again if she could possibly want to be with me after this or be close to me but reminded myself that that doesn't affect my primary goal, to work through this program and change my behavior and mindset. What happens with us will take care of itself later and probably slowly

9) Did I remember what I am grateful for today? Yes, I had quite a bit. Feeling very appreciative toward B.

10) Did I practice gaman today? Did I operate from a place of patience, dignity and grace? Yes

11) Was I mindful today? Did I practice self honesty regarding feelings, stressors, trigger and the real motivations for how I choose to interact with my wife and others? Yes, trying to analyse my thoughts before running away with them or letting them trigger a lot of emotions. Just questioning myself in what feels like a healthy way.

12) Was I interested in B? Did I ask her how she feels or what she wants? Yes

13) Did I practice empathy today? Did I put B first? Was I giving? Yes, helped with a task she wouldn't want to do without being asked

14) Was I mindful of B's boundaries? Did I give her space? Yes I think so. It was a little tough, feeling like I want to be closer to her but it occurred to me there have been times over the last couple days when I wanted to ask her about her feelings and make sure things weren't a problem, probably just for reassurance. I realized that if there is a problem or something to be discussed I trust her to let me know so if she's ok, I'm ok. I was able to let those slightly anxious feelings go and feel like everything was fine.

15) Have I been approaching life with creativity and spontaneity? Did I try anything a new way? Maybe not today but not much going on today.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 22, 2017 10:49 pm 
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Exercise 14: Develop a Daily Monitoring List/Practice Using it Daily for 14 days Wed 2/22


1) Did I act in a way that I respected today, was my behavior consistent with my values? Yes

2) Did I engage in any unhealthy behaviors/ unrealistic fantasy thinking/ any triggers?

3) Did I act with confidence and self awareness or was I operating out of a fear based place? For the most part yes

4) Did I practice honesty/being brave and open? Yes, shared a couple things I was feeling and thinking about, one positive one negative. B seemed open and non judgmental. I have been thinking more about trusting B more. I feel like that is something I need to exercise and build up more. There are some subjects like our sex life which have been hot button issues and I have tended to stay away from them. I think if we get to a point in our relationship where that is appropriate to talk about I would want to be brave and share more about who I am so she doesn't have to worry about and neither do I. A lot of my problems around sex are probably worse in my head than in real life is I was brave, shared openly and was accepting of her reaction and who she is.

5) Did I share myself with B today? My thoughts/reflections, things that happened to me, my feelings? Yes,above

6) Did I work on taking care of my own needs today instead of putting that on others? Did I manage my own feelings and happiness? Yes

7) Did I practice healthy behaviors today? Sleep, eating, exercise, meditation... Yes, resolved to lose some weight, exercised even though I really felt low energy

8) Did I practice big picture thinking/not lumping problems together/lengthen the timeline? Some vague feelings of wishing things were "better" ie I was sleeping in the bedroom again, B was happy with me, we shared physical affection more. Didn't really stray into fantasizing though and again came back to the fact that I need to do my recovery and that other stuff will or will not happen on its own timeline. That realization consistently helps keep me from going off the rails. I think it is normal to feel a little lonely right now and imagine a future where we have a very open and happy relationship as long as I don't get impatient with it.

9) Did I remember what I am grateful for today? Yes, was driving and noticed how beautiful the mountains were. Made me happy

10) Did I practice gaman today? Did I operate from a place of patience, dignity and grace? Yes

11) Was I mindful today? Did I practice self honesty regarding feelings, stressors, trigger and the real motivations for how I choose to interact with my wife and others? Yes

12) Was I interested in B? Did I ask her how she feels or what she wants? Yes

13) Did I practice empathy today? Did I put B first? Was I giving? Limited time together today but yes

14) Was I mindful of B's boundaries? Did I give her space? I think so.

15) Have I been approaching life with creativity and spontaneity? Did I try anything a new way? Yeah, went out on a limb and told B I would like to take her out on a date.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 23, 2017 10:51 pm 
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Daily Monitoring Log- Thurs 2/23

Worked a night shift out of town and about to go in for another so many of the activities in my log are not applicable per se. Have not interacted with B at all and won't see her until tomorrow. Generally feeling ok, trying to keep a positive attitude. Did do a good job last night, one that I can be proud of. Not getting bogged down in too negative of thinking but have been reflecting on the past a lot and remembering things that I have not thought of in years. A lot of things that I am not especially proud of, ways I treated those I loved or just as bad, just wasn't present or emotionally available for them. So many things I would like to go back and change. But regret is not that useful except as a reminder and motivator for change and making amends.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 25, 2017 7:36 pm 
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2/24/17 was a wash, post a night shift and sick so slept all day. Got some upsetting news. B out of town, we did talk and she was really supportive. She is a kind person

2/25/17

xercise 14: Develop a Daily Monitoring List/Practice Using it Daily for 14 days


1) Did I act in a way that I respected today, was my behavior consistent with my values? No and it makes me mad. Feeling really triggered today. I am all alone, don't feel well and had some stressful stuff happen yesterday. B is out of town. I feel lonely, then I start thinking about how shitty my relationship is because I made it that way. I want to be with someone who is happy with me. I'd like to be taking her out on a date and having fun and looking forward to sex. Getting that feeling that makes me want to look for someone to pay attention to me and just like me. Sounds dumb written like this, but this is how is starts. The feeling of not having what would make my life feel happy and fulfilled and fun to counteract the stress and bad feelings makes me want to find it in someone else online or through fantasy. Wish I didn't feel I needed female attention and sex to make me happy. Even in a good marriage that isn't always possible. When you treat someone like crap they are even less likely to want to share themselves in that way. I haven't done anything to really regret yet so maybe I will call B and tell her. Maybe that would take some of the sting out of it. Maybe I will try and find something to distract and make me feel like I am doing something good and happy for myself.

2) Did I engage in any unhealthy behaviors/ unrealistic fantasy thinking/ any triggers? Yes above.

3) Did I act with confidence and self awareness or was I operating out of a fear based place? I am self aware but don't feel confident. Maybe I just need the confidence that this will pass and I will learn from it.

4) Did I practice honesty/being brave and open? Trying

5) Did I share myself with B today? My thoughts/reflections, things that happened to me, my feelings? Not yet but will call her.

6) Did I work on taking care of my own needs today instead of putting that on others? Did I manage my own feelings and happiness? Trying

7) Did I practice healthy behaviors today? Sleep, eating, exercise, meditation... Yes

8) Did I practice big picture thinking/not lumping problems together/lengthen the timeline? Maybe this is in part a timeline issue. I can't have what would make me happy today but maybe sometime in the future

9) Did I remember what I am grateful for today? Will do that now

10) Did I practice gaman today? Did I operate from a place of patience, dignity and grace? Trying

11) Was I mindful today? Did I practice self honesty regarding feelings, stressors, trigger and the real motivations for how I choose to interact with my wife and others? Yes

12) Was I interested in B? Did I ask her how she feels or what she wants? NA

13) Did I practice empathy today? Did I put B first? Was I giving? NA

14) Was I mindful of B's boundaries? Did I give her space? NA

15) Have I been approaching life with creativity and spontaneity? Did I try anything a new way? No


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 26, 2017 7:37 pm 
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Exercise 14: Develop a Daily Monitoring List/Practice Using it Daily for 14 days 2/26/17 Sunday


1) Did I act in a way that I respected today, was my behavior consistent with my values? Better than yesterday. I haven't done much today but trying to destress and feel more centered. I am dismayed that it takes so little in the way of loneliness or stress or lack of sex to take me away to a place I know I don't want to be in. It makes me feel like I should not be in this relationship if I can be so unhappy and subject B to that unhappiness in weird, messed up ways.

2) Did I engage in any unhealthy behaviors/ unrealistic fantasy thinking/ any triggers? Better today, not in a particularly upbeat place but not engaging in fantasy.

3) Did I act with confidence and self awareness or was I operating out of a fear based place? I am self aware but not feeling optimistic about my future, especially in regard to having a happy healthy relationship with B. Feel like I am very likely going to mess this up again. I need to think about that more...

4) Did I practice honesty/being brave and open? Yes, I told B that I was being triggered, why and what I felt like doing. I can't remember ever doing that. I think it helped me get out of my own head and look at things more objectively. I don't know that she particularly enjoyed being told that but if anything that makes it better practice for me because sharing the bad stuff is what I am bad at, not the happy stuff.

5) Did I share myself with B today? Yes

6) Did I work on taking care of my own needs today instead of putting that on others? Did I manage my own feelings and happiness? Trying

7) Did I practice healthy behaviors today? Sleep, eating, exercise, meditation... Yes, proud of that. I exercised and am sticking to my diet.

8) Did I practice big picture thinking/not lumping problems together/lengthen the timeline? A little more aware of this today. I keep returning to not getting too down on myself or making decisions about me and B until I get through this program and have more perspective.

9) Did I remember what I am grateful for today? Yes

10) Did I practice gaman today? Did I operate from a place of patience, dignity and grace? Trying

11) Was I mindful today? Did I practice self honesty regarding feelings, stressors, trigger and the real motivations for how I choose to interact with my wife and others? Yes

12) Was I interested in B? Did I ask her how she feels or what she wants? She comes home today so will do

13) Did I practice empathy today? Did I put B first? Was I giving? above

14) Was I mindful of B's boundaries? Did I give her space? above

15) Have I been approaching life with creativity and spontaneity? Did I try anything a new way? Yes, I got a cake and balloons for my daughters who got to go to the State swimmeet. I can't wait to see their reaction!


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 28, 2017 9:24 am 
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Exercise 14: Develop a Daily Monitoring List/Practice Using it Daily for 14 days 2/27/17 Monday


1) Did I act in a way that I respected today, was my behavior consistent with my values? Yes, had a tough day at work but did a good job with a good attitude.

2) Did I engage in any unhealthy behaviors/ unrealistic fantasy thinking/ any triggers? No. I did have a chance to sit down and talk with B for a while about things going on in our lives and catch up after being apart for a few days. We had a good time talking and I felt really close to her in that moment and really really attracted to her. She seemed warm and gave me a hug but let me know that would be it. The rest of the evening she kept to herself and we just said goodnight while she was on her computer, kinda distracted, just said goodnight. I felt disappointed. I don't think this was me engaging in fantasy, more acknowledging reality if anything. I love her, I'm attracted to her, I want to be with only her. But I can't that part of our relationship, her feelings toward me, are broken. So kind of went to bed sad, not feeling hopeful that anything I can do will ever change her feelings. That's relationship stuff though, not my recovery.

3) Did I act with confidence and self awareness or was I operating out of a fear based place? I felt I was acting from a good place both at work and with my expressing affection for B which was genuine, not an attempt to manipulate anything.

4) Did I practice honesty/being brave and open? Yes, I haven't shared my feelings about the future of our relationship, its probably too early, she doesn't want to talk about it right now anyhow.

5) Did I share myself with B today? Yes

6) Did I work on taking care of my own needs today instead of putting that on others? Did I manage my own feelings and happiness? Yeah, tried to enjoy spending time with my family

7) Did I practice healthy behaviors today? Sleep, eating, exercise, meditation... Yes

8) Did I practice big picture thinking/not lumping problems together/lengthen the timeline? Yes, like above feeling down about the future, but reminded myself that I promised myself to get through this program and see if I can really say I am operating from a different place before I make any decisions about life changes.

9) Did I remember what I am grateful for today? Yes

10) Did I practice gaman today? Did I operate from a place of patience, dignity and grace? Trying

11) Was I mindful today? Did I practice self honesty regarding feelings, stressors, trigger and the real motivations for how I choose to interact with my wife and others? Yes

12) Was I interested in B? Did I ask her how she feels or what she wants? Yes

13) Did I practice empathy today? Did I put B first? Was I giving? I think so, tried to give her space she seemed to want later in pm although it was hard.

14) Was I mindful of B's boundaries? Did I give her space? Yes

15) Have I been approaching life with creativity and spontaneity? Did I try anything a new way? NA


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 01, 2017 11:41 am 
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) Did I act in a way that I respected today, was my behavior consistent with my values? Yes, I think. Having very negative thoughts about my future with B. She is so distant it seems hopeless. I keep reminding myself that this does not affect my recovery but it is affecting my mood and because she seems to want to disengage I feel like I am having a one side conversation in my head about our relationship, which is probably not good. I feel like I want out of this miserable situation and that makes me feel like I am not being honest with B. But probably that is not useful to think or share right now.

2) Did I engage in any unhealthy behaviors/ unrealistic fantasy thinking/ any triggers? Yeah, might be acting out a negative fantasy but it feel more like I am realistically seeing my relationship situation right now which by any measure is not good. B has told me as much

3) Did I act with confidence and self awareness or was I operating out of a fear based place? Trying to get there, tell myself everything will be ok no matter what happens

4) Did I practice honesty/being brave and open? B has not wanted to engage the last couple of days, non responsive, doesn't want to hear about my recovery, says its my thing and doesn't involve her. So I am working on giving her space

5) Did I share myself with B today? No

6) Did I work on taking care of my own needs today instead of putting that on others? Did I manage my own feelings and happiness? Trying. Have one day off tomorrow with a bunch of unpleasant things to do. Trying to figure out how I can still get some rest and solace to improve my mood.

7) Did I practice healthy behaviors today? Sleep, eating, exercise, meditation... Trying

8) Did I practice big picture thinking/not lumping problems together/lengthen the timeline? Need to do this more I think

9) Did I remember what I am grateful for today? no, need to work on it.

10) Did I practice gaman today? Did I operate from a place of patience, dignity and grace? Trying

11) Was I mindful today? Did I practice self honesty regarding feelings, stressors, trigger and the real motivations for how I choose to interact with my wife and others? Yes

12) Was I interested in B? Did I ask her how she feels or what she wants? Will try today. Yesterday's attempt was met with skeptisism

13) Did I practice empathy today? Did I put B first? Was I giving? I will try this too.

14) Was I mindful of B's boundaries? Did I give her space? Yes

15) Have I been approaching life with creativity and spontaneity? Did I try anything a new way? No


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 03, 2017 10:43 pm 
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Exercise 14: Develop a Daily Monitoring List/Practice Using it Daily for 14 days


1) Did I act in a way that I respected today, was my behavior consistent with my values? Yes

2) Did I engage in any unhealthy behaviors/ unrealistic fantasy thinking/ any triggers? No, still fixated a bit on where I go when I am finish this program. I feel like it is unlikely B and will remain together, but I am committed to getting to a better place before I make any decisions. My therapist supports this decision and something I am doing for myself despite the discomfort and uncertainty. Getting through the next few weeks focusing on recovery is the best thing for me in the long run.

3) Did I act with confidence and self awareness or was I operating out of a fear based place? For the most part yes. Feeling less sad about the past and my present and ready to move forward

4) Did I practice honesty/being brave and open? Yes, B and I had a good conversation about her for a change. I feel like as I am not attached to an outcome I can listen a lot better and with calm. I heard all the hurt she has been through and we agreed that she can not be in a relationship where she is doing thing for the other person that do not come naturally to her or are consistent with her as a mature person. You can not be close and giving to another if you resent what they are asking you to do and you feel that it is not right for you. That works both ways for me too I realized. I also heard that the person she would be happy with would deal with most of there own issues, there would not be long painful discussions about hurt feelings. That goes back to my vision of my life and recovery to be self sufficient and having a value system that allows me to deal with stress and set backs without being needy or reverting to dysfunctional behavior.

5) Did I share myself with B today? My thoughts/reflections, things that happened to me, my feelings? Yes

6) Did I work on taking care of my own needs today instead of putting that on others? Did I manage my own feelings and happiness? Yes

7) Did I practice healthy behaviors today? Sleep, eating, exercise, meditation... Yes, ate well, exercised

8) Did I practice big picture thinking/not lumping problems together/lengthen the timeline? A little better today

9) Did I remember what I am grateful for today? Yes there are still things in my life that I value that do not stem from a romantic relationship

10) Did I practice gaman today? Did I operate from a place of patience, dignity and grace? Yes

11) Was I mindful today? Did I practice self honesty regarding feelings, stressors, trigger and the real motivations for how I choose to interact with my wife and others? Getting better at this

12) Was I interested in B? Did I ask her how she feels or what she wants? Yes. Going to take charge of stressful job for B

13) Did I practice empathy today? Did I put B first? Was I giving? Yes

14) Was I mindful of B's boundaries? Did I give her space? Yes practicing on giving her more space lately

15) Have I been approaching life with creativity and spontaneity? Did I try anything a new way? Not today.


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 04, 2017 8:36 pm 
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More night shifts yesterday and today, so not much interaction with B or time to think about recovery, although I have been practicing noticing and picking apart feelings and have been feeling more calm about the future in general. Also practicing integrity at work and with coworkers.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 06, 2017 5:26 pm 
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Exercise 14: Develop a Daily Monitoring List/Practice Using it Daily for 14 days 4/6/17 Monday


1) Did I act in a way that I respected today, was my behavior consistent with my values? Yes.

2) Did I engage in any unhealthy behaviors/ unrealistic fantasy thinking/ any triggers? No, feeling a little more balanced and less sad about my past and current circumstances

3) Did I act with confidence and self awareness or was I operating out of a fear based place? Yes

4) Did I practice honesty/being brave and open? Yes went to counseling and was pretty honest with B there

5) Did I share myself with B today? My thoughts/reflections, things that happened to me, my feelings? Above

6) Did I work on taking care of my own needs today instead of putting that on others? Did I manage my own feelings and happiness? Yes i went for a massage for the first time in a long time. It was great.

7) Did I practice healthy behaviors today? Sleep, eating, exercise, meditation... Yes, sticking to diet

8) Did I practice big picture thinking/not lumping problems together/lengthen the timeline? Yes it is hard sometimes. I am very aware of how bad my relationship has gotten. I feel like it is unlikely to survive this latest relapse and even if I reach a healthy place I am not sure B and I are very compatible in what we want in a relationship. I remind myself that I can't do much about any of that right now, I can only work toward recovery. I don't know what the future of the relationship will be and I can't know. It is not useful to worry about it until I am in a healthier place.

9) Did I remember what I am grateful for today? Tough time with that now but I am going to do something to unwind and relax later and think about this.

10) Did I practice gaman today? Did I operate from a place of patience, dignity and grace? Yes

11) Was I mindful today? Did I practice self honesty regarding feelings, stressors, trigger and the real motivations for how I choose to interact with my wife and others? Yes

12) Was I interested in B? Did I ask her how she feels or what she wants? Yes

13) Did I practice empathy today? Did I put B first? Was I giving? Yes, she did compliment me on this last night which was nice.

14) Was I mindful of B's boundaries? Did I give her space? Yes I think so.

15) Have I been approaching life with creativity and spontaneity? Did I try anything a new way? Treating myself to a massage was kind of spontaneous


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 20, 2017 9:51 am 
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Just a check in post/mental exercise regarding some issues I have been having lately:

This is a reality check. My recovery does not equal a "new" relationship with B. I think we are both started linking these things but I have seen this week that they are really not related and thinking about it this way is not helpful. I can live my values. I can improve my emotional awareness and honesty. I can interact with B in a way that is consistent with my values and treats her with respect and as a valued friend. All my action plans are valid and should be practiced in regard to her. NONE of this healthy behavior however can change her or how she chooses to react to me. It won't make her feel closer to me, it won't make her desire me, I can't make her do or feel anything. I can only live in a way that is consistent and true to me. So I have no reason for hope for our relationship because I am doing well on my recovery. Hoping and wishing get me no where. Feeling really close or attracted to her means nothing. It really just hurts me in the end. Recovery is for me and its own sake. I can't know what if anything lies at the end.

Thinking about the relationship on its own, healthy recovery behaviors could help it succeed but do little for a lot of the underlying problems. B is still closed. She is often suspicious of my motivations when I ask her what's going on with her or I want information to clarify my thinking. She does not trust me. Her underlying tendency to be removed and independent is more extreme because of all of the hurt she has been through. She has little physical connection to me or desire and our underlying philosophies regarding expression of sexuality are fundamental different at baseline. Her behaviors and personality unfortunately are triggers for me. In this environment I feel less able to express myself with confidence, less able to be me. I feel like the things I say and do are likely to offend her or be interpreted negatively or like pressure. Then she shuts down. I can not do anything about any of this right now. I don't know if it is possible to overcome this or work with her, but I know nothing is going to happen with this anytime soon or probably should happen until I am a little farther in recovery.


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