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 Post subject: Re: Semper's new thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 20, 2017 12:27 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Couples workshop lesson 3

Values:

1) Intimacy with Mrs. Real oneness. Actual love and tenderness between us.
Boundary 1 - our sex life will be based on love, respect and a passion for each other, not, for now at least, on release or "managing addiction". Certainly not on fulfilling some fantasy (which really isn't my bag). If it is or becomes unhealthy, i will let her know and desist.
Boundary 2 - our communition will be healthy, as positive as it can be, and I will limit my "emotional" communications as much as possible. When I cannot be positI've or when I'm in a crappy mood, I will assure her that I love her but cannot contribute constructively and will either excuse myself or remail silent. When she is unable to communicate positively or healthily, I will do the same.
Boundary 3 - using my newfound understanding and our newfound determination to really take in the other, I will remember and act with the knowledge that what she is saying or feeling is ALWAYS coming from a place and and perspective that I do not and can not fully understand. When/if it seems trivial to me or nonsensical or overblown, I will remember that it is simply that I do not understand, nor can I perfectly and I will give equal weight to her point of view and experience. When/if I can't do that, I'll excuse myself from the conversation.
Boundary 4 - I will apologize quickly and sincerely when I do not act lovingly towards her. Not so she can think that I'll never do it again, but so she'll know that I don't consider that behavior acceptable.

2) loving my children unconditionally in a way that they cannot musunderstand.
Boundary 1 - this will take more proactivity than I have displayed lately (last couple of years have been way too busy). So I will take more time to be with them. I will plan to come home at 5. This is not always possible, but I will do it enough so they (and i) will really start to believe that I have normal work hours. I will do all I can to leave the pressures of work at work and be available when I come home. This means engaging in outside work activities. Something that i actually have to focus on -pre planned activities or chores or projects that can include them. If I find I can't leave work stress at work, I will do something where I can at least be near them. Watch something on the tube with them, listen to them or watch them do an activity. I will LIMIT phone or news time when home. If im near them, i will seek ro engage with them, knowing that the time im spending is an investment in them and us. The key here is to be there and to be a clean slate for the experience. As much as possible, few expectations or proscriptions for how the activity or evening/weekend must go.
Boundary 2 - I must recognize that I have 4 kids that all have special needs and act accordingly.
A) One cannot relate to people at all and this is getting worse, not better. He has no one but his mom and dad. And can relate to nothing but anonymous computer interactions. I must find some activites, even one, that he can do with me that he can engage in. Maybe it is a something that is something exciting or challenging that he has no choice. I don't know, but that kid has to have some physical, external experiences. Has to develop some passion for something outside of computers and media. I'm not sure what to put here for a boundary. I just have to do something, but I don't know what.
B) terribly unfortunately, I have another kid who has worse problems than I did with p/m at his age. Just SUCKS. this kid needs outdoor time. He needs adventure. He needs (and is at least marginally capable of) human interaction. I can and will engage in activites with him. Outside projects. I can and will have him bring a friend and either facilitate activites or engage with them.
C) this was my most nomal kid who is more and more withdrawn into books. He sneaks books all night. He reads incessantly. He sneaks away whenever possible to play or read alone. I don't know what to do with him either, except that when he talks, I will listen. He tends tomato not that oak a breath for a long time when he does, so this will also take some patience and determination, but I will look at him and listen when he speaks, for however long that goes on. Will also take time alone with him. It doesnt need to be much to work, just not take everyone else or anyone else when I run errands once in a while. He usually blossoms with alone time. There just needs to be more of it.
D) this is my easieat one. Just include him in pretty much anything and he loves it. He loves his dad still, so with a bit of time and attention, I should be able to keep that going. I also must remembe how sensation he is. He gets offended and hurt more easily than the others. And that's saying aomething.
Boundary 3 -we will plan family time and it will be sacred! Family vacations, family projects, family days or evenings or minutes must be scheduled and must be protected. If they must be moved, then move them, never cancel them. We must fill the calender on the nexterminators family meeting.

3) living in a way that shows Jesus that I love Him, want to follow Him, and am so sorry for the countless ways I have betrayed Him and let Him down after show in me so much love and mercy.
Boundary 1) I will read scriptures (or equivelent) daily. I cannot sleep until/unless this is done. No matter the day, no matter the mood. I must hold some dayoctrines consciously before my mind each day to be reminded of what is real, what is important and Whose I am.
2) I will confess my sins as required. I must show real repentence both for me and for Him.
3) I will freely forgive others and extend the grace and benefit of the doubt I hope to have extended to me. 70x7
4) I will pray, every day. No matter what. No matter mood. No matter what my day has been like. I will talk to God like I trust Him
5) I will honor the other commitments here beause by so doing, I am loving His other children and feeding His sheep.

4) Working effectively in my business. Taking bold risks with confidence. Exploring creativity and innovation. Leading/inspiring my team.
Boundary 1) I CANNOT waste time at work. If I do, I will talk to wife abut it. Not because it is necessarily a porn problem but beause we're all counting on me succeeding. As I remember that my time is not my own, that I am accountable, I will waste less.
2) I will review and remember the promises that have been made to me through the scriptures, through inspiration and personally. I will remem er the countless miricles that I have already experienceed and I will maintain hope and faith. "Master!! Carest thou not that we perish?!"
3) If I'm stuck at whatever I have to accomplish on the computer, I will get up and go work on a physical project. There are a mounta in of them that need to be done. I will remem er the catharsis that occurs when I worj with my hands.
4) I will take my medication. Why wouldn't i?
5) I will show appreciation for and confidence in my employees. I will be liberal with my praise as well as with my corrections so that they ever have to guess where they stand.

5) Earning the trust of my wife by volunteering/approaching her the same day with any violations of my standards.
Self explanitory, but now that I've experienced the mistrust of having to drag the truth out of a kid repeatedly, I have no excuse or need for any delay tactics.

6) Encouraging my children who struggle to look to Christ, to confide in their mom or dad, and giving them sound reasons for so doing.
I will express love, as often as I can stand to do it. Not ust say it, but show confidence, APPROVAL, pride in them, enjoy them even if they struggle. I will invest my time in them so they know I value them.


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 Post subject: Re: Semper's new thread
PostPosted: Sun Apr 23, 2017 10:46 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Amazing how effective getting this stuff on (virtual) paper is. Ive had several course corrections this week just because I wrote my values down. I haven't reviewed them as I probably should have but just having considered and defined them has had a lingering effect.
I'm realizing that unfortunately I'm going to have to do the sex fasr. Not for what I think are the common reasons that the fast is suggested - I've never really wanted to combine my fantasy world and irl intimacy world, but because I think I have to come to know that I am not dependan on it in any way for my survival or happiness. I need to not be dependant on my wife, but to simply choose her because she it's my choice. I get put out when/as I realize that our sex life is very her-oriented. If I can take it or leave it, I think that would solve the problem (?). Either that or "I'll show HER what no sex feels like!". Unfortunately, I don't think she'll care, so hopefully I'm doing it for the right reasons.
I've been doing pretty well with my values and boundaries, but my business is tanking and I'm having a tough time maintaining the faith I've comitted to. I don't know what to do. That one has been my biggest struggle. I know I need to maintain it though.


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 Post subject: Re: Semper's new thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 25, 2017 12:24 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
I'm kinda hamstrung here waiting for the Mrs on several lessons. It's OK, if she can't get to them, I'll go back to the recovery workshop and do that one. I do like the couples thing though. I like being able to dig in and get her perspective. But I'm the one who needs the consistency, so I'll do either. I'm pretty familiar with at least the first third of the recovery workshop, so no problem. I could use the updates anyway.
My biggest challenge right now is that my business is really struggling and so are most of my kids. Pretty stressel time. I don't have some of the answers I need and not sure what to do. But I do know that my values are important to me, so I'll cling to them as much as u can. I really need to get back to the gym, so I'm off to sleep in the hopes that I can drag my butt outta bed at 5am.


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