Recovery Nation

Newfocus17 Recovery Thread
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Author:  newfocus17 [ Mon May 15, 2017 2:52 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Newfocus17 Recovery Thread

9. Being connected to my own feelings

being consciously aware of my feelings at any given time is part of my self development and recovery.


check in with myself through out the day - understand my emotions/thoughts/physical reactions/feelings
> journal these.

being mindful and present - take time through the day to present in the tasks you perform without looking for distraction.

Author:  newfocus17 [ Mon May 15, 2017 2:59 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Newfocus17 Recovery Thread

10. Being responsible for my actions/thoughts and understanding consequences

My actions/thoughts can have positive and negative actions.Being responsible for these actions/thoughts will help build deeper relationships.


Stop making excuses, stop blaming - be honest with myself and others - OWN IT!
Additionally, accept that there are some things that are out of my control.

Admit my mistakes

Author:  newfocus17 [ Mon May 15, 2017 3:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Newfocus17 Recovery Thread

11. Prioritising Healthy practices

Keeping a healthy body and mind is essential to gaining the most from my life.


Exercise daily

Eat healthily

reduce fat and sugar

practice mindfulness - meditate daily.

Author:  newfocus17 [ Mon May 15, 2017 3:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Newfocus17 Recovery Thread

12. Being excited with what life offers - have fun

Being open to possibilities and seeking positive fun will aid me in having a fulfilled life. As a consequences these positive activities have a be a positive impact on other aspects of my life.

Try new things, challenge myself
Don't take myself too serious
involve others - shared fun is rewarding.
Go Surfing!
Go snowboarding!

Author:  newfocus17 [ Mon May 15, 2017 3:16 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Newfocus17 Recovery Thread

13. Build, develop and strengthen communication and writing skills

My overall confidence will strengthen when i'm able to clearly communicate in varying situations.

Blog - share my personal or professional opinion, ideas, inspirations - educate myself by educating others

Journal thoughts, inspirations, feeling, ideas.

Seek speaking engagements/ presentation - improve by doing and persevering.

Author:  newfocus17 [ Tue May 16, 2017 1:59 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Newfocus17 Recovery Thread

14. Build, develop strong systems and process in life

Breaking down large tasks in manageable parts framed by my renewed life vision and values provides a good process to managing by addiction.


Critical and design thinking - empathise > define > ideate > prototype > test

Author:  newfocus17 [ Tue May 16, 2017 4:31 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Newfocus17 Recovery Thread

15. Healthy sexual intimacy

I want to be in a relationship that embraces healthy intimacy across the spectrum - this includes sexual intimacy. A shared experience that is fulfilling physically and emotionally between my wife and I.
Keeping in mind this will be a considered journey - there is healing required for my wife and I as individuals and additionally our partnership/marriage.

Create the space for intimacy (not necessarily sexual) and warmth...start gradually.

Go on dates - share moments together.

Cuddles, holding hands and hugs are good!

Have fun! - don't over think - enjoy each others company and have a laugh.

Don't pressure!

Author:  newfocus17 [ Wed May 17, 2017 2:31 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Newfocus17 Recovery Thread

Lesson 10

Make a list of all the places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behaviour.

I have been 7 months without any sexually compulsive behaviour - when I first shared my behaviour with my wife, I removed/distanced all items from my proximity. In the most part I've handled this with completely denying myself of these - more recently with help from my therapist - I've been working through addressing triggers (rather than denial). By using a process of chaining - I'm creating an awareness of how negative behaviour plays out with the intent of capturing links in that chain early. I've been journalling my negative automatic thoughts.

The places where I had stashed items for sexually compulsive behaviour has been:

looking at porn via mobile phone
accessing numerous dating sites via internet both on my phone and computer
accessing numerous dating and messenger apps via my phone
using skype video calling to mutually masturbate online
send explicit emails (images and fantasies) using fake email address
exchange phone numbers to have phonesex

Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object:

Over the past 20 years there had been numerous sexual situations where I have pursued woman online through many of the 'items' mentioned above. For the most part on dating sites and more recently through dating apps such as tinder. At the time it was important to me to keep it anonymous - no names, no details. It was part of my deception - telling myself by not being 'romantically' involved that this was 'OK' - it was purely about fxxking or the act of physical activity. I would estimate that I have had liaisons with approximately 20 woman over 20 years.
Additionally, I would seek strangers online to engage in online video masturbation - again making it 'OK' in my head. I'd estimate over the last 20 years approximately 70 instances. In most instances i told these woman i was in a relationship/married.

Flirting with woman at bars - I never 'picked up' woman at bars - as this was too much in the open (for fear of being caught) - instead I'd pursue woman online - mutually agree to meet.

Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behaviour:

Online - laptop(video)
At work late at night (video)
Work Bathroom (video)
Downstair office (video)
Home Bathroom (video)
Massage palour
There was an instance of meeting a stranger in the woods.
Meeting woman i had pursued online, then getting together at therr place(s) - numerous times.

Author:  newfocus17 [ Fri May 26, 2017 3:06 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Newfocus17 Recovery Thread

Lesson 12 Exercise:
I. Identify those patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to an unhealthy recovery. Post these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or Recovery Manager.

I didn't identify with any of listed patterns.

Author:  newfocus17 [ Fri May 26, 2017 3:16 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Newfocus17 Recovery Thread

Lesson 13 Exercises:
I. Identify those patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to a healthy recovery. Post these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or Recovery Manager.

I identified with all Middle Recovery patterns : "Actual Recovery".

II. Consider the values that surround both your healthy and unhealthy patterns. Are they consistent with your current prioritized values? If yes, wonderful. If not, how might this awareness alter how you are currently perceiving/managing your recovery? Share your thoughts in the community forum.


Author:  newfocus17 [ Sun May 28, 2017 1:27 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Newfocus17 Recovery Thread

NOTE TO COACHES/MODERATORS: The Audio Coaching: Health Monitoring doesn't work on Chrome browser
(apologies if I've missed this via previous instructions)

I. Develop your Daily Monitoring list.
II. For the next two weeks, select a particular time each day and complete this monitoring.

I've been completing my daily monitoring list for the last 3 weeks, checking in every morning , finding time to complete the list below. This had been suggested by my therapist a few weeks back.
My list:
What did I learn about my addiction yesterday?
What did I succeed in addressing yesterday?What was my commitment like yesterday (%)?
What were the 'shaky' bits/the potential risks ?
What do I need to commit to today?

Author:  newfocus17 [ Mon May 29, 2017 1:52 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Newfocus17 Recovery Thread

Lesson 15 Exercises:

The last few months i have integrated mindfulness into my daily routine. I get up early before my family rises - meditate - then focus on my recovery work both my Daily Addiction Management (Daily monitoring list) and here on RN. I generally find this sets me up for the day giving a strong frame to work from.
In terms of being mindful - this is an awareness of my thoughts, emotions and physical reactions throughout the day - monitoring and if necessary managing any urges/negative behaviour (i.e held triggers), through chaining... this is something that i have improved on over the last couple of weeks and will continue to do so.

Author:  newfocus17 [ Tue May 30, 2017 1:49 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Newfocus17 Recovery Thread

Lesson 16 Exercise:
I. Consider the POSITIVE role that addiction has played in your life. What purposes has it served (think short-term, not long)?

Addiction has been a relief/support mechanism for a broad range of emotions (stress, excitement, boredom etc).
It has allowed me to disconnect from uncomfortable or challenging situations throughout my life.
It has meant that I didn't need to face up or own my problems - allowing me to remain in a place where I was comfortable and even momentarily feel good...however afterwards I would always feel shame and the relief-mechanism would kick in again - which in turn became a self-perpetuating negative loop.

Author:  newfocus17 [ Wed May 31, 2017 2:08 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Newfocus17 Recovery Thread

Lesson 17 Exercise:
I. Consider a particular compulsive ritual that you have engaged in. Identify the elements of this ritual and post them in your recovery thread.

The compulsive ritual i engaged in the most was visiting dating sites, looking for woman to engage and have an experience with - this could include: flirting, sexual chat/masturbation, arrange to have phone sex/masturbation, arrange to have video voyeurism/masturbation, arrange to meet.

Identifying the elements:
Sensory Stimulation - particularly: touch, sight and sound.
I had numerous means in terms of sensory stimulation, all of which concluded in orgasm. The sensory stimulation played a role in building fantasy which in turn heightened orgasm. Generally I would pursue whatever stimulation was available - though for the sake of ease usually through digital means - mobile, computer.

Fantasy - imagery and delusional - plays a huge part of my addiction, more often that not unrealistic (as in no sense of reality) - shaping the world/people around what my needs were - which ultimately concluded with orgasm. Time, focus and redirecting energy (away from my family, home, work) were the outcomes.

Suspense - suspending the act of orgasm - heightened the experience - mixed with meeting a stranger/ a sense of fantasy - again all heightening the excitement and experience. Part of the excitement was the taboo (but also a double edged sword - afterwards feeling deep guilt and shame) - engaging in activity that was wrong, being secretive/living a double life.

Accomplishment - when pursuing woman on dating sites/apps I would certainly have a sense of accomplishment when i was able to attract, chase, manipulate and keep their attention. The following stages of ongoing flirting and resolving in orgasm - through digital(mobile/computer etc) or in person means was also a sense of accomplishment.

Orgasm - gave me a sense of relief and escape from a variety of thoughts and feeling (usually negative) - the dopamine hit, or instant pleasure is addictive and it is a something that i had pursued daily. Generally, orgasm was the goal - usually immediately after orgasm I'd feel shameful and guilty - which in turn created a negative loop (repeating behaviour)

Author:  healzen [ Sat Jun 03, 2017 5:18 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Newfocus17 Recovery Thread

Hi Newfocus,

I realised that your lesson 17 reply in the thread seems to be lacking in some details and would like to encourage you to spend some time to look through it or revisit the lesson again.
There will be lessons later that you will be asked to expand upon each of these elements and also to look at each one of them in greater detail so that there is more awareness of the compulsive rituals involved and subsequently how to better control the compulsive urges identified. I am not a police here in RN but have benefited greatly so far from the lessons and exercises.
The more effort and honesty we put into recovery here, the more likely we can achieve better health for ourselves.
Keep on striving for a healthy recovery!

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