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 Post subject: TBR - Personal Thread
PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 4:40 am 
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Create a vision that you would feel comfortable committing yourself to pursuing.
Exercise: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_002.php


right now I want to build my life.
Not rebuild, I have not really built anything, just coasted, crawled or hobbled along.

I want to build.
I want to be stable, be able to carry through with my commitment

I want to build an autonomous life, one in which I am in charge, I make decisions, I decide what I want to be and actually do it instead of avoiding or just wishing and dreaming it.

Autonomous in that I don't feel compelled to react to internal unknown vague drivers or external manipulations

I want to feel fulfilled despite my regrets and flaws.
I want to understand myself, love myself, be accepting of myself and like myself.

I want to build a mutually deep loving, trusting relationship with another guy, in which there's an open and honest sharing

I want to achieve financial freedom and be free to discover, explore and expand my knowledge and insight into new areas, be they business, personal capability, insights or geography.

I want to feel as though I'm moving forward, making progress, living my life, being present.

Of course I want health, specifically fitness and flexibility.

I want to respect me.
When I think of what I'm doing, where I've got to, how I've spent my time, I want to be proud of myself (even if others are not). I don't want it to be like now, crying when I think of what a mess I've made.


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 Post subject: TBR - Personal Thread -
PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 5:45 am 
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Lesson 3 Exercise

http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_003.php

'a single, comprehensive list that involves all of the primary ways that you derive
stimulation from your life. Or, those areas that you want to derive stimulation from'


honesty,
integrity,
well intentioned
awareness - body
awareness - mind
awareness - others

exercise - cycling : endomorphins
stretching
meditation / mindfulness / presence
creativity - music / dancing / coding / thinking GR ideas
time in nature
creating physical energy
looking after my body
enjoying great meals - cooking + eating
exploring new places
visiting familiar, favourite, beautiful places
learning - computer topics (GR project related :)
motorcycling - adrenalin
eating healthily, good nutrition sans sugar/salt/fat trifecta
improving my employment prospects - certification exams
sober

connecting with friends

building my career
working towards financial freedom
connecting better (&more) with family

planning and executing (flexibility ok, discarded/ignore not)
active lifestyle (mentally & physically)
emotional awareness and management
self acceptance & love
financial planning - short & long term (and execution)
mindful masturbation / tantric (not fantasy / porn)
opening myself / readying myself / opening myself to a BF
honesty evaluating who I am / where I'm at
acceptance of who I am / where I'm at
patience, kindness (myself and others)
stability, calm - not panic, anxious
self discipline - without beating myself up :)
kindness
generosity
considerate
excitement - I need excitement (with safety)
friendships - close, intimate, honest/real.
financial independence
capability to explore the world (time, finance, knowledge)
Sailing


'Dark Side' Motivators
Discipline
Feel good
Excitement
Novelty
Escape
Loss of control
Connecting - with others for acceptance
Dopamine ;)
Motivation to do
Love myself


Last edited by To_Be_Real on Sun May 21, 2017 3:43 am, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Tue May 09, 2017 6:14 am 
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Lesson 4/5 Exercises
http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_004.php

'Values - Prioritised List'

self respect
energy / health / fitness (sober)
good mental state, outlook on life
awareness
honesty
improving employment prospects - certs
mindful/tantric sex (in touch with body sensations)
loving relationship
financial independence / financial freedom
capability to explore the world (time, finance, knowledge)
stimulation excitement
family
creativity
learning
growth
gaining respect of others


Last edited by To_Be_Real on Sat May 20, 2017 5:40 am, edited 4 times in total.

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PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 10:20 am 
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Proactive Action Plans I
http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/recovery_workshop_006.php

Of the top fifteen values on your Prioritized Values List, develop Proactive Action Plans
for two or three of the more simple ones.


0) Work thru compulsive/addictive behaviour.
-do this workshop. just do it. I'm tired of not figuring this stuff out by myself & life is short.

1) energy / health / fitness (sober)
-commit, make time for body regularly
-do something, anything, even if you don't feel like it. some stretches or a short walk
-remember benefits (endorphins, good mood, energy, weight, detox, fitness)
-you're overall trending well on this, keep it up and build it into routine
-stay away from alcohol, whenever you drink the nutrition crashes (and everything else).
--identify why you want to drink, anxious, bored, feel good?
-remember all the fun things you like, biking, sailing, hiking .. you need a working body

2) improving employment prospects - certs
-just do this. make a schedule and stick to it. It's tough but critical.
--allow flexibility in schedule to swop slots for exercise when weather is best / social etc
-remind yourself that it affects so much of your piecing life together and GR future plans
-you will loathe yourself if you fail to do this, you will be so happy and proud if you pass

3) mental health - calm / not anxious / awareness
-lots of progress on this, but still borderline. keep the trend,
-keep the commitment to not putting yourself in overly anxious environment again
-be kind to yourself, watch yourself for negativity
-do the 'grateful for..' thing daily
-smile internally, little buddha ;)
-meditate .. you know it has a huge impact, keep improving this
-drinking, nutrition & exercise affect you massively.
--meal plans, exercise plans.
--check in a few time throughout the day and see if you need to self correct thought patterns
---if anxious, stop and identify what the root cause is. Develop a solution that calms you.
-remember, people/situations can sod off if it make you anxious, your mental health is more important. (as always be nice tho)
-stop, take a breathe, consciously become mindful & aware of immediate situation, expectations & the expected 'game'


Last edited by To_Be_Real on Mon May 15, 2017 2:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2017 3:24 am 
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Note to self: Action Plans

'Action plans are not static, they must evolve'

They change from week-to-week, day-to-day

Previously I abandoned my own action plans precisely because they were transient and thus seemed pointless.

I'm now realising action plans help me chart a flexible course to the identity and life situation I aspire to. Actions plans are a sketch of best guess directions, mini-commitments that in turn causes life consideration and evaluation. (be nice to yourself, enjoy the process, observe yourself and learn. messing up is normal, expected, fun and fine, giving up is not fine. being negatively critical is for when you were a kid and your parents)

It's nice having a reference list to remind me of what I'm about.

'when your thoughts/emotions begin to fall out of balance...your ability to manage your values efficiently will be compromised. And without this system ingrained, you will be vulnerable to the 'shortcuts' that feed addiction'


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PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2017 3:38 am 
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Lesson 7 Exercise - Proactive Action Plans II

"develop initial action plans for the remaining 'top priority' values.
...These plans will be used to form the basis of your health monitoring system
...You will evolve your proactive action plans through your health monitoring system
...Will need to take full responsibility for evolving these tools long after the workshop has been completed
...When your thoughts/emotions begin to fall out of balance...your ability to manage your values efficiently will be compromised. And without this system ingrained, you will be vulnerable to the 'shortcuts' that feed addiction"


  1. done: self respect
  2. done: energy / health / fitness (sober)
  3. done: awareness
  4. done: honesty with myself first, others later
  5. done: improving employment prospects - certs
  6. done: mindful/tantric sex (in touch with body sensations)
  7. loving relationship
  8. financial independence / financial freedom
  9. capability to explore the world (time, finance, knowledge)
  10. family
  11. creativity
  12. done: stimulation & excitement
  13. done: mental health
  14. done: learning


Action Plans II
Self Respect
-this is a big topic for you.
-you've done okay considering lifes curve balls (emotionally stunted since a kid). You've tried your best and had a bit of luck but the old approach doesnt work
-self harming has stopped, keep it that way
-set realistic expectations, exceed them rather than set high expects and fail. be gentle with yourself. give yourself time and space
-get past stupid compulsive behaviours. finish this course & if needed 1:1 therapy afterwards
-work on self awareness and emotional management
-each day find something in your day to remind yourself of self respect (a bit like the gratitude thing)
-work on stopping doing things you don't respect, Recovery Nation workshop + watch yourself & learn why you are doing things

Awareness
-just deal with the pain of becoming aware of your faults and wrong assumptions. don't make it painful, make it fun. have a laugh and feel better off knowing
-stop. think. consider. Ingrain this.
-meditation, keep on & improve this
-read up on some awareness techniques & exercises.

Honesty
-honesty with self has become a strong point :)
-Keep it up
-Honesty with others, working towards it by doing this course. There's a lot of subterfuge & deception going on due to a) life mess & b) sexual compulsions

mindful sex
-uugh. Hopefully this course helps
-good job blocking fantasies but you have slipped
-embrace tao body awareness
-abstain for a bit, just take a break and become sensually aware. No fantasies. No porn. You've touched this peak before and know its good.

learning
-if you're honest with yourself you'll realise you've embraced the idea of learning but not actual learning. laziness, fear, escape.. the past doesn't matter
-develop some awareness/insight around this topic. there's no expectation to learn stuff if you don't have to/need to
-make learning fun, you do enjoy it... but don't pressure yourself detrimentally
-right now certs are enough learning.

stimulation & excitement
-how do I even do this healthily, legally and without fantasy?
-this is a problem area, I need stimulation
-I've worked past all the drug stuff and controlling the need for constant near death experiences on the bike (sorta)
<insert ideas here>
-sky diving / bike green laning = broken body bits
-you love trail cycling, pity there arent any legal off road tracks nearby so just deal with the self appointed nanny state wards for now, acerbically
-get out and explore / hike more .. body is getting better equipped to handle this activity now + it equals a payoff for the work done getting to this point physically
-social stimulation needed too. This is a key point. Socialising is pretty non-existent on a regular basis... but the drinking... ugh. Join an outdoor group in a few months?
-auto-erotic asphyxiation with a note blaming a random acquaintance :p (if anyone reads this, I'm, kidding)
-

STILL TODO
[*] loving relationship
-need to sort out my sexuality first.

[*] financial independence / financial freedom
-finally have a plan, stick to it or improve it

[*] capability to explore the world (time, finance, knowledge)
-long term, for now work on base issues.

[*] family
-pencil this in for summer

[*] creativity
-pottery?
-tech projects?
-body something, taichi/yoga.


Last edited by To_Be_Real on Sat Jun 03, 2017 1:16 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2017 8:54 am 
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Highlight



Absolute honesty is about learning to communicate with yourself. Learning to develop a deep enough awareness to analyze the games that you play in your own head. It is about embracing the concept of being real . Of being a student of your own life—learning the nuances of your own thoughts. And this takes time to master



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PostPosted: Thu May 11, 2017 9:16 am 
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Lesson 10 Exercises:


V. Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object.


Ugh, this is uncomfortable.
  • Rya
  • Rhy
  • Age innapropriate guys around town - shame rooted fantasies
  • Dy

Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior

Previously: outdoors /woods/abandoned buildings/car/gym/cubicles/public.. Huge progress since 2-3 months, first time in my life I no longer have these compulsions. Devoid, seems like a stranger used to have them, not me. Good work on myself. Im super relieved. True growth is possible.

Internet: Stress/freak outs cause me to not be able to resist using my 'fav' sites to feel better/escape. I've done well to minimize this behaviour but it remains an unresolved issue.

Bedroom: Just want to feel better


Last edited by To_Be_Real on Sat Jun 03, 2017 1:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Fri May 12, 2017 5:26 am 
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Lesson 11 Exercise:

Fantasy
Always shame based, ideally with teen to mid-twenties boys
Themes are humiliation, control, obedience, denial

A few months ago I became aware that my escape into fantasy was not normal nor a good thing.
I would labour creating intricate, complex fictitious worlds to inhabit to which I could drop in at any time and place. Setting aside hours for this was fairly normal

I'm glad to say this behaviour has stopped, partly as a result of working through this site and becoming aware of me.
I'm proud that the intricate, novel length fantasy worlds have been 100% rooted for 3-4 months but I still have issues with fantasy snap-shots. I'm trying to move to sensory based masturbation but a quick fantasy snap shot rules release 99% of the time.

Obsession with R.
I abused & tricked him into playing a real world role in my fantasy world. Over a year since he cut ties and I still obsess whenever I get emotionally dodgy, stressed, anxious etc. It's not him that I want as much as the discipline, humiliation, punishment, loss of power.
He was an exciting space for so long. It must have been a nightmare for him. It was a nightmare for me and I motivated for it.

I have since had insight into the roots of my shame based compulsions that go back to pre-teen days and also god-guilt infested teen masturbation.
Lots of progress on this and the shame based compulsions are much less now but they're still there.

Pornography.
For most of my life this was a huge, unsolvable problem, esp fiction stories.
I could never shake it and it directly lead to relationship fights and ultimatums that I didn't keep.. but over the past few months I've maybe looked at porn 3 times, found it a bit boring and closed the tab shortly after.

My insight into shame based sexuality & fantasy has nullified porn enjoyment. Real, fundamental change. Thank you recovery nation.

There was one exception - I crashed out of a work thing which caused me to crash out of life for a week.
I smoked spliffs, abused alcohol and did hardcore porn to dampen the freak out. (such a drama queen ;)
The hardcore porn had less of an affect than I expected and I didn't finish watching it but still, I used it a few times before binning it.

Other than that I've been porn clean.

EDIT: mmm, I used porn today but not shame based porn, it's as though I'm exploring alternative 'healthier/vanilla' options. I don't feel compelled to use porn but just wanted to get off and feel better and since ditching shame fantasies it's difficult getting off. I think I'm good again to abandon porn.



II. S&M
I fit squarely into the S&M category, each bullet point describes me

Rape, sexual violence, voyeuring, exhibitionism, stalking don't apply

Masturbation
Fantasy driven (not sensations). shame rooted fantasies.
I don't understand why I can't shake this.
Daily, sometimes more. unless I'm actively denying myself
earliest memories are from before I could ejaculate (11'ish?)
earliest teen memories - guilt ridden shameful act (fuck you christianity) I could not stop. big impact on me.
Only started being okay with mb/orgasms recently. most my life felt guilt
Shame coloured my life before mb, shame was carried into masturbation from before I hit puberty
Recently realised that my young guilt is at the heart of my tease/deny blue balls fantasies, desire for t&d now diminished
MB correlated previously with self harm, not anymore.


Last edited by To_Be_Real on Tue May 16, 2017 4:02 am, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sat May 13, 2017 4:04 am 
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Recovery Workshop: Lesson Twelve
http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/recovery_workshop_012.php
Recognizing Unhealthy Recovery Patterns

Reasons I previously stopped

1) I wasn't aware of how undeveloped my emotional management was and after skimming the content grabbing a few salient take-aways felt I had got what was needed, but I returned, it's the most pwerful resource I know of.

I fall into the third group described in the lesson and am trying to not adopt the bad traits described in the fourth group. For this workshop I'm just letting go of my own arguments and placing faith in the directions provided

I had some epiphanies with this workshop and gained some insights that fundamentally changed who am I - eg intense fantasy world stopped. 99% drop in porn, keener impulse awareness etc. Life got busy, I was happy with progress and a bit unnerved / unbalanced by all the changes and insights so I stopped.

While it has caused the biggest shifts in my thinking I find myself not quite resolved and want to sort that out.
I also want a higher level of self awareness / life management skills

This time I'm committing to the workshop. I've made it a morning routine, after coffee & a browse.


Last edited by To_Be_Real on Mon May 15, 2017 5:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 3:02 am 
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Note to self

Despite the insights and changes in my life:
  • Realisation of shame & guilt roots
  • Realisation of child emotions sublimated into sexuality, esp guilt, shame. It's not 'core' me. I see a cord with with a strand unravelled
  • Being nice to myself internally
  • No self harm, abandoning porn, cutting fantasy world creation

I still haven't overcome this issue. This Saturday I found myself running from life, wank fest and alcohol blitz so I could check out for the day. Felt great the next day. I didn't want to do meditation, exercise or a fruit salad. I didn't want to be present. I wanted escape. thoughtless oblivion

What's going on?
Pressure/Stress?
Pressuring myself to much ? (But I have to get stuff done, like studying, exercise and this workshop)
Perhaps more work needed on motivations so self pressure is lessened. See it as life/part of the journey, not a do or die task
Accept some pressure, 'be a man'
Accept that I am in a stress situation with work/money/accommodation/this. So what, just get on with it.
Loneliness / social
Could it be as simple as the rather large, unexpected bills freaking me out? (I thought I managed that away)
ugh. I don't know. Carry on, have faith in this workshop. I have to develop a healthier sexuality and life management

On Ry
Half awake dream this morning. Ry punishing me for masturbating. Same old memory/fantasy. Thinking not this fucking shit again, go away, dismissing the arousal.
I briefly thought back to the insight I had about teen guilt wanks and my fantasy generator auto switched younger me into the fantasy so Ry was instead threatening the little 13 yr old kid with punishment, which seemed so unfair and ridiculous. A bit like the way 3rd parties would view Ry & older me today, just ridiculous. Somehow a fantasy/reality that gripped me for years melted away a bit. I don't want to speak to soon but it felt like a breakthrough. Thinking about the same fantasy now just seems oddly wrong and weird, not arousing. Power to little me :) I'm going to use that imagery again

At least I've had some progress on one front


Last edited by To_Be_Real on Sun Jun 04, 2017 4:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 3:54 am 
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Lesson Thirteen: Healthy Recovery Patterns

http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/recovery_workshop_013.php

looking at healthy patterns that you should consider adopting

Recovery Traits
Early Recovery
negative emotions: yes but improving
doubts - but I've got past that, I've experienced some fundamental changes so have faith now
exploring triggers - yep was guilty, but at least I know porn doesn't have that hold
overwhelmed - all areas of life -- guilty, but I have lots of areas to sort out, my life is messy

Middle Recovery
Let go of the past: kinda okay on this, still can't believe how lost I was and what an impact it has had
Illusion: totally on board. I want to be real, not fabricated.
Decisions made on right intentions: I try hard, mostly succeed but sometimes (like saturdays blowout) I fail
Skills - I do believe skills/understanding/insight overcomes urges. I've experienced it working
Same feelings as others experience: Yeah, I get this mentally, need to remind myself when I'm feeling emotions. EDIT: Added to daily Health check
Future identity: yes to this - 'a healthy person that once used addiction to manage their life'
Yes to 'View life as a continuous process of growth and development'. EDIT I can refine this further. Currently I view my life as continually improving in discrete chunks, eg 'after this workshop', 'after exams' which is true but I want to bring chunks down to the day. As long as Im actively pursuing improvement and learning then I can get satisfaction daily instead of in large chunks.
Associations: It took ages to get here but have removed all porn, stories, chat histories, accounts etc and it's been that way for a while now.
Consequences: omg it hurts thinking about it. Ex BF's and people like Ry I feel guilty. Also consequences to my entire life in general. So opportunity lost because I've been oblivious

Late Recovery
Confidence: Somewhat confident, tend towards desperate/hopeful/trusting more than confident at this stage
Triggers: can't say I think to much about triggers one way or the other. It's a bit like others smoking, doesn't overly register with me. Edit: After a week of week of more self aware self monitoring I definitely have triggers causing urges. Most recently a scene in an audio novel.
Past : Partly unbelievable, especially the fantasy worlds. what the heck was I thinking. Also the behaviours I did in dodgy places, seems weird now but suspect I could still experience a thrill? I don't want to test this just yet (or ever)
Emotional stimulation from value-based actions: Nope. And I'm somewhat sceptical about deriving the same stimulation but I am trusting this process and today my stimulation is impulse based


Last edited by To_Be_Real on Sun Jun 04, 2017 4:44 am, edited 6 times in total.

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PostPosted: Mon May 15, 2017 5:06 am 
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Lesson Fourteen - Health Monitoring I
http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/recovery_workshop_014.php

Instructions
The goal is to derive more overall value from your life than you would otherwise
Increase the depth of your values
Do not try and fix all the issues from the start
Look at values and use it as a guide to what areas to monitor

Value Monitoring

Work in Progress #TODO
Review daily, max 5 minutes for 1 month. Ends 16 June
Review weekly, overall

Sexual
If MB - was I mindful/sensations.
Any compulsions, fantasies, inappropriate inclinations .. what can I learn about these
If MB am I okay with it? If not why not?
Internal games / pretence

Mind
What was my overall tenor?
Was I aware of my emotions?
Did I handle emotions - e.g. by drinking, eating, masturbating or face them skillfully
--did I remember that my emotions are no stronger/worse than the next person. I can deal with them
Anything that needs addressing?

Body
Nutrition, mobility, energy?
Anything I need to do?

GeneralI
Inner smiles & appreciation
Kind to myself?
Did I take time for me to just be, free of pressure to do
Structure. Was there a structure to the day, did it work?
Weekly - did I make overall progression towards goals?

Work / Finance
Am I doing whats needed here




Removing these from list for 2 weeks refinement exercise
Self respect?
... all good, so far
Was I kind & thoughtful with myself?
...Massive improvement, seems a non an issue

Did I improve or at least maintain my physical self today - as best was realistic/possible
Did I look after my body? mobility, nutrition
Meditate?
Structure
Did I follow through with my plans / get things done
Connect with other humans, spend the energy
....leave these for later

Did I improve my options
Was I astute
...ignore for now.



Wed Review : Done
Thur Review : Done
Fri Review : Done
Sat Review : Done
Weekly Review : Done
Sun Review : done
Mon Review : Done
Tues Review : missed
Wed Review : Done
Thur Review : Done
Fri Review : Done
Sat Review : Done
Weekly Review: Done
Sun Review: Done
Mon Review: Done
Tues Review: Done
Wed Review : Done
Thur Review : missed
Fri Review :done
REFINE LIST
Sat Review :done
Weekly Review :done
Sun Review : :done
Mon Review : done
Tues Review : done
Wed Review : done
Thur Review : missed
Fri Review : missed
Sat Review : done
Weekly Review: done
Sun Review: done
Mon Review: done
Tues Review: done



Last edited by To_Be_Real on Fri Jun 16, 2017 6:34 am, edited 33 times in total.

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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 4:47 am 
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Note to self

Feeling a bit overloaded with this workshop,
I am going to take a few days before progressing to next lesson
I will do the daily review exercise
Consolidate learnings -- I'll take stock of what I've typed up so far and skim over the lessons again


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PostPosted: Tue May 16, 2017 8:54 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3881
Location: UK
Hi TBR

Quote:
Feeling a bit overloaded with this workshop,
I am going to take a few days before progressing to next lesson

a good idea, it is not a race
recovery is about doing it right with honesty and sincerity

perhaps in the meantime you might want to reflect on


Quote:
Other than that I've been porn clean.

I used porn today but not shame based porn, it's as though I'm exploring alternative 'healthier/vanilla' options. I don't feel compelled to use porn but just wanted to get off and feel better and since ditching shame fantasies it's difficult getting off. I think I'm good again to abandon porn.


and



Quote:
Masturbation
Fantasy driven (not sensations). shame rooted fantasies.
I don't understand why I can't shake this.

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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