Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Sat May 30, 2020 10:23 am

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 54 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4  Next
Author Message
PostPosted: Sat Jun 10, 2017 5:02 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 7:50 pm
Posts: 52
My Personal Vision

I want to live a life fulfilled and guided by honesty. I want to live knowing that I am enough, so that when I show up for others I am doing so out of selflessness, empathy and through a genuine commitment to service. I want to walk into every room, or into any group, with integrity, knowing that I am authentically myself and that I am worthy of being there and being loved for who I am.

I want to have intimate relationships that are built on sincere curiosity and a desire to know others. I want to lay a foundation of trust with my family and extended family that begins with vulnerability and grows as I continuously and visibly demonstrate integrity and a commitment to self awareness and growth. I want to share with my spouse my triumphs and my tragedies, my successes and my failures, my wins and my losses without fear, guilt or shame. I want to experience what it is like to truly know someone and be known.

I want to be strong, patient and supportive of my spouse as she explores and heals from the trauma I have inflicted. I want to be understanding, empathetic and loving with my kids to help them grow and learn from the difficulties I have had, and the challenges my spouse and I face in our marriage.

I want a life of wonder, adventure and exploration. I want to try new things, and celebrate the old things that bring us joy. I want to live immersed in the present, curious about the future and guided by the past. I want to be whole.


Last edited by COGrow on Sat Oct 21, 2017 4:37 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jun 11, 2017 11:01 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3897
Location: UK
Hello COG
and welcome this programme and community
please commit yourself for yourself do it for you thus proving that you truly deserve the vision that you aspire to

take your time and learn from each lesson but ensure that you make regular and steady progress
good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Lesson 3 - Values
PostPosted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 10:12 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 7:50 pm
Posts: 52
Guided by honesty
Feel that I am enough
Be and feel selfless
Be empathetic
Have a genuine commitment to service
Live with integrity
Know that I am worthy
Feel good about who I am
Build intimate relationships
Be curious
Strive to really know others
Build trust
Be vulnerable
Be self-aware
Keep growing emotionally and spiritually
Be transparent and open with the good and the bad
Live without fear
Live without shame
Live without guilt
Allow myself to be known
Be of strong character
Be patient
Be supportive
Be a good father and role model for my kids
Be grateful
Be a good friend
Be a good leader/manager/colleague/mentor
Be a good partner to my spouse
Be adventurous
Explore new things
Embrace wonder and awe
Be brave
Try new things
Celebrate the small stuff
Be joyful
Live for today
Plan for tomorrow
Embrace the unknown
Learn from and be guided by the past and my mistakes
Become a whole person
Sharing my true self with the world around me
Strengthen my role as a brother
Strengthen my role as an uncle
Strengthen my role as a son
Strengthen my role as an in-law
Be emotionally mature
Feel emotional ups and the downs
Be physically fit
Be trustworthy
Have a healthy, intimate and adventurous relationship with sex
Build emotional and physical intimacy with my spouse
Feel loved
Feel valued
Feel appreciated
Feel affirmed
Be connected to the outdoors and nature


2) Consider the 'dark side' of your decision-making. The compulsive behavior. The sexual behavior. Take some time to extract the values that went into those behaviors, and list them as well.

Seeking validation and affirmation
Seeking excitement
Risk-taking
Feeling wanted
Seeking distraction
Selfishness
Experiencing the forbidden
Having secrets
Being dishonest
Being sexually desired
Avoiding responsibility
Disrespecting others


Last edited by COGrow on Sun Jun 25, 2017 9:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2017 9:13 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 7:50 pm
Posts: 52
I opted to group similar values in this prioritized list.

Guided by honesty/Live with integrity/Be transparent and open with the good and the bad/Be of strong character/Be trustworthy
Feel that I am enough/Know that I am worthy/Feel good about who I am/Become a whole person
Build trust
Be a good father and role model for my kids
Be a good partner to my spouse
Build emotional and physical intimacy with my spouse/Build intimate relationships/Strive to really know others/Be vulnerable/Allow myself to be known/Share my true self with the world around me
Be physically fit/Be connected to the outdoors and nature
Be and feel selfless/Be supportive
Feel emotional ups and the downs
Be empathetic
Be self-aware
Feel loved/Feel valued/Feel appreciated/Feel affirmed
Be curious
Be grateful
Keep growing emotionally and spiritually
Live without fear/Live without shame/Live without guilt
Have a healthy, intimate and adventurous relationship with sex
Be patient
Be a good friend
Be a good leader/manager/colleague/mentor
Be adventurous/Try new things
Explore new things
Embrace wonder and awe
Be brave/Embrace the unknown
Celebrate the small stuff
Be joyful
Live for today
Plan for tomorrow
Learn from and be guided by the past and my mistakes
Strengthen my role as a brother
Strengthen my role as an uncle
Strengthen my role as a son
Strengthen my role as an in-law
Be emotionally mature
Have a genuine commitment to service


Last edited by COGrow on Sun Jun 25, 2017 9:30 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Top 15 Values
PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2017 9:37 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 7:50 pm
Posts: 52
My Top 15 Values

Guided by honesty/Live with integrity/Be transparent and open with the good and the bad/Be of strong character/Be trustworthy/Build trust
Feel that I am enough/Know that I am worthy/Feel good about who I am/Become a whole person
Be a good father and role model for my kids
Be a good partner to my spouse/Build emotional and physical intimacy with my spouse
Build intimate relationships/Strive to really know others/Be vulnerable/Allow myself to be known/Share my true self with the world around me
Be physically fit/Be connected to the outdoors and nature
Be and feel selfless and empathetic /Be supportive
Feel emotional ups and the downs
Be self-aware
Feel loved/Feel valued/Feel appreciated/Feel affirmed
Be curious
Be grateful
Have a healthy, intimate and adventurous relationship with sex


Last edited by COGrow on Wed Jul 05, 2017 11:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Sun Jun 25, 2017 9:58 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 7:50 pm
Posts: 52
Guided by honest/Live with integrity/Be transparent and open with the good and the bad/Be of strong character/Be trustworthy/Build trust

Honesty


Do not keep secrets, especially from my spouse
Share slips and struggles the day they occur
Live without fear of being judged or abandoned
Articulate my needs and desires and advocate for myself
Be honest with myself about the impact of my lying

Transparency

Be vulnerable. Believe and demonstrate (by sharing my struggles, doubts and fears) that it’s OK to be imperfect and unsteady
Actively and regularly share my thoughts and feelings (both positive and negative)

Integrity

Live with truth and honesty as the foundation of my sense of self
Put truth and honesty first, far before self preservation or self image
Recognize when I need help and be willing to ask for it
Live knowing that I am worthy of love and, over time, trust

Trust

Be patient, knowing that re-building/building trust takes time
Trust my spouse’s willingness and ability to accept me as I am, even as I make and disclose struggles and slips


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Thu Jul 06, 2017 12:13 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 7:50 pm
Posts: 52
Guided by honest/Live with integrity/Be transparent and open with the good and the bad/Be of strong character/Be trustworthy/Build trust

Honesty

Do not keep secrets, especially from my spouse
Share slips and struggles the day they occur
Live without fear of being judged or abandoned
Articulate my needs and desires and advocate for myself
Be honest with myself about the impact of my lying
Be honest with myself about the challenges and risks associated with my attention issues and desire for excitement/stimulation/activity.

Transparency

Be vulnerable. Believe and demonstrate (by sharing my struggles, doubts and fears) that it’s OK to be imperfect and unsteady
Actively and regularly share my thoughts and feelings (both positive and negative)

Integrity

Live with truth and honesty as the foundation of my sense of self
Put truth and honesty first, far before self preservation or self image
Recognize when I need help and be willing to ask for it
Live knowing that I am worthy of love and, over time, trust

Trust

Be patient, knowing that re-building/building trust takes time
Trust my spouse’s willingness and ability to accept me as I am, even as I make and disclose struggles and slips

Feel that I am enough/Know that I am worthy/Feel good about who I am/Become a whole person

Be honest with myself about areas for improvement.
Do my best. Always strive to be better. Celebrate progress.
Self-validate. Don’t rely on affirmation from others to feel good about myself.
Accept that I am not perfect, and believe that is OK.
Don’t compare myself to others.
Live with integrity. If I do that, I can hold my head up high.
Practice positive self talk.
Remember that running/exercise boosts self-esteem.
Practice gratitude.
Lead with my weaknesses. Talk about them. Bring them into the light.
Believe my story is worth sharing and worth hearing.


Be a good father and role model for my kids

Be vulnerable in front of the kids. Show my emotions. Be open.
Be patient.
Be gentle.
Ask questions. Listen.
Accept them as they are, and demonstrate that acceptance through my words and deeds.
Make time, at least weekly, to do things with them.
Keep our Sunday night dinner tradition alive.
Support them, and do not criticize.
Work and play hard, but make time for them.
Demonstrate that I take working on myself seriously. Report progress.
Be patient and accepting of Jeanine and her needs.
Show love.

Be a good partner to my spouse/Build emotional and physical intimacy with my spouse

Daily Interactions

Be honest, transparent, trustworthy and have integrity (see #1)
Regularly share with her what I’m doing to improve myself. Initiate daily these conversations. Don’t rely on her to start conversations.
Don’t be defensive. Don’t feel like you have to respond to every perceived criticism. Pause and take time to understand from where her words are coming from. Silence does not equal agreement.
Show your interest in her feelings. She can’t read your mind! Inquire. Often.
View each interaction as an invitation. She doesn’t want to fight either.
Show the empathy for her that you feel (don’t be defensive!).
Express my emotions openly and regularly.
Be vulnerable, and do so without fear of being judged or rejected.
Be honest with myself about how I’m feeling, and don’t hesitate to share with her when I’m feeling flooded or frozen. It’s OK to pause and return later to difficult conversations.

Being Partners

View her as my partner, not an adversary. Winning an argument is not winning.
Respect her need for space.
Be patient with respect to physical touch and sexual intimacy.
Acknowledge that any touch is a risk for her.
Appreciate and be grateful to have an opportunity to work on our relationship. You could easily already be permanently out of your home.
Assume significant responsibility for organizing couple’s counseling.

Build intimate relationships/Strive to really know others/Be vulnerable/Allow myself to be known/Share my true self with the world around me

Be intentional about making time to be with friends.
Be inquisitive.
Share honestly my feelings/emotions/thoughts/fears/anxieties/challenges.
Believe that what’s inside me is worth sharing.
Be real and be vulnerable in bringing my insides out.
Put myself out there and share without fear of being judged or rejected.
Don’t feel like I need to create a personal narrative that is incomplete or dishonestly positive.
Just be myself, and be OK with that.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Fri Jul 07, 2017 12:50 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 7:50 pm
Posts: 52
Be physically fit/Be connected to the outdoors and nature

Regularly make time to exercise.
Don’t feel bad missing days.
Appreciate the time outdoors even when I don’t feel great physically.
Run to live, don’t live to run.

Be and feel selfless and empathetic/Be supportive


Step beyond my own defensiveness.
Don’t lecture or complain.
Pay attention to others. Be attentive. Slow down. Focus.
Practice active listening and authentic communications.
Ignore pragmatism. Don’t feel like you have to fix everything. You don’t.
Ask open-ended questions. Regularly. Be curious.
Practice “Yes, and…”
Remember...it’s not about me...it’s about her/him.
Use self-disclosure as a means to foster closeness.
Give for the sake of giving, rather than expecting something in return.
Work not to filter others’ worlds through my own experiences. Listen (again!).
Just be there.
Practice, too!

Feel emotional ups and downs

Slow down. Take stock of how and what you’re feeling. Sit in it. Consider it. Experience it.
Share what you’re feeling so that you are bringing the inside out.
Trust others with your emotions.
Write about the moments when genuine emotion is experienced. Make note of what it was, where it happened and what it felt like.

Be Self-Aware


Be honest with yourself about what drives you.
Don’t just live in the moment. Step back now and then and try to objectively assess your motivations.
Slow down. Take stock of what you’re feeling.
Have the courage to know you can’t go it alone all the time.
Observe your weaknesses and know everyone has them.

Feel loved/Feel valued/Feel appreciated/Feel affirmed.


Learn and practice self-affirmation.
Look inwards for validation. You know what is good and what is not.
Don’t listen to negative self-talk. Assess its origins before assigning value to thoughts.
Understand that others show love/value/appreciation/affirmation in their own ways. Everyone has their own love language. Slow down and honestly assess.
Live a life of integrity. Doing so will ease your need for validation/affirmation. You will be more content in your own skin.

Be Curious.

Recognize you will never know everything about anything.
Don’t assume motivations. Ask questions and hear the answers!
View wonder as a virtue.
There is more to curiosity than being inquisitive. Think about, experience and contextualize the answers.

Be Grateful.


Slow down. Assess. Appreciate the opportunities and things you have.
Don’t covet others lives/belongings/good fortune.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Lesson 10
PostPosted: Thu Aug 03, 2017 11:22 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 7:50 pm
Posts: 52

I. Consider those lies that are still being perpetuated in your life. Who you are deceiving. Why you are deceiving them. Consider the 'risks' of coming clean. No need to do anything about these thoughts...just have an awareness of them.


Still not fully honest with myself about the depth of my problems w/ sex-related issues. The constant need/desire to distract or entertain myself w/ sex stuff is very present, particularly in the absence of any emotional or physical connectedness to my spouse. The desire for excitement and a mental lift is hyper present. I am deceiving myself, and my spouse by not more openly discussing this. The risks of coming clean are minimal given the difficult situation our relationship currently is in. I have discussed these issues with my therapist, which is helping bring them more into the light, and enabling me to better address them in my own mind.

II. If you are involved in a partnership, choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving them in certain areas. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are willing to jeopardize the future of that relationship by maintaining the deception; AND, admit to yourself that you are intentionally sabotaging your own healthy foundation by allowing such a huge crack to remain.

I am involved in such a partnership, and I do not intend to continue deceiving her. I don’t want to jeopardize the future of my relationship. I want to abide by my values, and honesty/transparency/trust is #1. That said, unless and until I share my whole self, I will jeopardize the future quality of that relationship, if not the relationship itself. I need to step beyond self-protection, and an ersatz presentation of my strength/character/will power and just be true...whole...straight up.

III. If you are involved in professional coaching (or outside counseling), choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving those whom you are working with. If the answer is yes, acknowledge that you are not fully committed to ending your addiction. Acknowledge that you are choosing to 'go through the motions', rather than actively pursue real change.

I had a breakthrough on this issue during a session this week w/ my therapist. I had been holding back on some of my struggles and internal questions/tug-of-war. I shared a lot of thoughts/urges/weaknesses this week, and it helped. And, she was able to push me to a place where I gained new insight and perspective on the whole notion of withholding, or being incomplete. I have been doing more than “going through the motions,” but have not been fully committed to sharing everything because doing so means I am being complete and authentic and, thus, more likely to benefit from the therapy! Rather than simply discuss the difficulties of my relationship, I talked about my internal struggles and analyzed how they are affecting me and/or consuming me. Very helpful. (Imagine!).

IV. Make a list of all the places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior. List these items and their locations in your Recovery Thread.


Nothing currently hidden.


V. Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object. Post this in your thread.

Strange women: look for them in hotel room windows from my hotel room window when staying at hotels.
Fantasy women: I make up mental fantasies that have women in them, but not women I know or have seen. My fantasies are made up of a woman or women...no one specific.


VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior. Post this list in your thread.


Public lands...stripping naked or partially naked in the backcountry for exhibitionism, including bathing in a stream after physical activity.
My car...changing from street clothes into hiking/running clothes
My bed...touching myself for erotic stimulation/masturbation
My bathroom...touching myself for erotic stimulation/masturbation


Last edited by COGrow on Sat Sep 16, 2017 10:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Lesson 12
PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 12:24 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 7:50 pm
Posts: 52
Lesson 12 Exercise:
I. Identify those patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to an unhealthy recovery. Post these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or Recovery Manager.


Tend to focus on controlling past behavior, rather than learning new behavior.

Measure the success of my recovery through abstinence, rather than emotional stability and personal satisfaction.

Motivation for recovery comes from an attempt to appease others (e.g. to save a relationship; to deflect attention from the behaviors)

Minimize my behavior (e.g. "It's not how it seems"; "It's not that big of a deal.")

Fear that I will never be able to overcome my urges, and so my goals are to establish the appearance of change, rather than to pursue actual change.


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 7:06 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3897
Location: UK
Hi CD
Quote:
Tend to focus on controlling past behavior, rather than learning new behavior.

Measure the success of my recovery through abstinence, rather than emotional stability and personal satisfaction.

Motivation for recovery comes from an attempt to appease others (e.g. to save a relationship; to deflect attention from the behaviors)

Minimize my behavior (e.g. "It's not how it seems"; "It's not that big of a deal.")

Fear that I will never be able to overcome my urges, and so my goals are to establish the appearance of change, rather than to pursue actual change.


good honesty and awareness
now you see these threats to your healthy future you can take the correct steps to take them out of the equation
:g: :g: :g: :g:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Lesson 13
PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 4:24 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 7:50 pm
Posts: 52
Lesson 13 Exercises:

Identify those patterns that you currently recognize in yourself in relation to a healthy recovery. Post these observations into your Recovery Thread and/or Recovery Manager.


In early recovery, individuals often experience significant doubts relating to their ability to change.

In early recovery, extremely negative emotions are the norm: especially as they relate to depression, anxiety, hopelessness and suicide.

They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.

They recognize that the feelings that they are experiencing are the same feelings that others deal with every day in many different situations. That they are not "defective", but "deficient".

They identify their future with a healthy person that once used addiction to manage their life; not as an addict that is managing their life with healthy behavior.
They see their lives as a continuous process of growth and development, rather than an episodic book of starts and stops. (e.g. "When I was addicted" "After I recovered").

In early recovery, they tend to experience relief in having their behaviors understood, and immediately seek understanding in all areas of their life. Unfortunately, this tends to overwhelm them, distract them, etc., but it is fairly common...and a good sign that their desire to change is sincere.

They will take a long, hard look at anything associated with their destructive past, and will voluntarily make the decision to remove these objects from their life. This refers to pornography, internet accounts, etc. It does not necessarily refer to affairs where real feelings were experienced/exchanged.

They tend to have an emotional relapse in terms of the consequences that they have effected on others — especially those closest to them. This frequently triggers true remorse, temporary depression, temporary helplessness — but is soon resolved with a commitment to making it up to people in other, more healthy ways (STILL WORKING ON THE SECOND PART).


Top
 Profile  
 
PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 11:31 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 7:50 pm
Posts: 52
I. Develop your Daily Monitoring list. Construct it in some sort of word processing document (Word, Notepad, Wordpad, etc.) so that you may update it as needed. Post this list into your Recovery Thread.

Did I carry myself as a person worthy of respect today?

Did I engage in any compulsive behavior today?

If yes, did I maintain an awareness of the elements involved?

Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual?

If no, did I role-play a past or possible future compulsive ritual to ingrain confidence in my ability to manage these rituals?

Did I initiate at least one meaningful conversation with my wife today?

If not, how many days has it been since I have?

Was I attentive to my wife's needs today?

Was I truthful in everything I shared with my wife today?

Was I defensive or unempathetic in anything I said or did today with my wife?

Did I make a sincere effort today to connect with each of my kids?

Did I follow through with everything that I said I was going to do today?

Did I reach out in an authentic way to a friend or family member today?

Did I do something today to take care of my own well-being?

How would I describe my overall emotional balance and stability at the moment?


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Lesson 15
PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 10:49 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 7:50 pm
Posts: 52
Lesson 15 Exercises:

I. Take a minute to review what you have learned over the past two weeks. Of what you have learned so far, think of one example of how you have actively integrated that information into your day-to-day life. Share this in your personal thread.


The example that comes to mind is the importance of working on oneself for oneself, not for outside reasons, be that to save a relationship or to placate a spouse. The change, I’ve come to believe, has to come from the inside and the goal must ultimately be to live up to one’s own values. I’ve integrated this information into my daily life by growing my motivation to work this program. I feel like I’m beginning to believe that I can change because it’s the right thing for me. Yes, if I grow, evolve and change it may well benefit my relationship with my spouse. Then again, it may not. The relationship may be too far gone. Still, if I can retain this focus, I will have the opportunity to choose in the macro sense how I want to be...how I want to live...how authentic and present I want to live...how whole I want to feel...how I cope. I will be able to choose from a position of knowledge, not from a reactive and compartmentalized place.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Lesson 16
PostPosted: Wed Aug 23, 2017 11:09 pm 
Offline

Joined: Tue May 16, 2017 7:50 pm
Posts: 52
Lesson 16 Exercise:

I. Consider the POSITIVE role that addiction has played in your life. What purposes has it served (think short-term, not long)?
Understanding the functional role of your addiction is important in removing the power, mystery and fear from that addiction — to begin seeing it in terms of practicality, rather than as some kind of supernatural fate or disease that you are doomed to suffer.
Share a few positive aspects of your addiction in your recovery thread.


Helped me cope with life stresses associated with my spouse, my work and family life.

Distracted me from difficult circumstances and provided an outlet for unhappiness.

Provided excitement when work was not challenging enough or social life not stimulating enough.

Enabled me to feel something...anything...when I otherwise struggled to learn how to experience my emotions.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 54 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4  Next

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group