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PostPosted: Tue Jun 20, 2017 1:00 pm 
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Joined: Mon May 29, 2017 6:43 am
Posts: 12
A) After a few false starts and 'should have..would have..could have's ...I'm finally underway on at least will be a very thorough reconnaisance. I've decided that morning coffee along with 20-30 min here is a good way to structure this although more inclined to introspective thought late at night...

I am not entirely sure that one can just 'heal' What is often referred to as healing is, in fact, potentially altering your essential characteristics and the record of that isn't too promising. As someone dealing with several concurrent issues, I wonder how much is striving to climb to some arbitrary definition or realizing that perhaps there are fundamental characteristics that aren't so 'fundamental'

After-all, one's persons 'normal' is another's deviance.

Often the first response to this musing is this is the addict speaking. They are minimizing their problems and playing a game of relativism.
Perhaps that is correct after-all we all try to reconcile our behaviours by continually re-defining 'normal', ensuring it remains a relative term.

What must be considered in my particular case is the effect this has had on my partner to which I am very upset by. This is someone to whom, I would never let any harm befall, someone who's been far more than just patient. She's done her homework and continues to do so, and for this understanding, I am very grateful.
I've always stated that a relationship is a house of compromises so any redefining of 'normal' must be biased towards and recognize her needs and pain and help to facilitate her healing and healing of our relationship.

Normal cannot be just my definition.

It's big mountain ahead and there are many valleys and passes by which less arduous passage can be made. I'll have to first survey the terrain and see if the tougher route is, indeed, possible.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2017 6:15 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3880
Location: UK
hello helipilot and welcome to this programme

Quote:
I am not entirely sure that one can just 'heal' What is often referred to as healing is, in fact, potentially altering your essential characteristics


for correctness partners heal addicts recover, but in essence you are correct and following the programme proven as it is shows us how we can recover, recovery is change, complete change in thought and actions, it is based upon making decisions based on our values rather than our emotions
RN provides the roadmap but you and you alone do the work
coaches and mentors are here to guide if we see things going astray and the community is supportive in answering questions in the community forum
is it easy? No
Commitment and consistency are required as is openness and honesty


Quote:
the record of that isn't too promising.


its great that your partner is supportive you need to demonstrate that you are worthy of that support, but remember you need to do this for you whatever the outcome, strive for improvement, strive to be the best that you can be

Quote:
one's persons 'normal' is another's deviance.


nobody is here to judge, we all start at the same place, in addiction

wishing you success, now next lesson :pe:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 21, 2017 10:37 am 
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Joined: Mon May 29, 2017 6:43 am
Posts: 12
Absolutely...

As I wrote, I am very willing to give this a good solid kick...take the time to consider.
As an aside, the effort in merely putting pen to paper so to speak creates moments of introspection that may lay otherwise, unnoticed...


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 26, 2017 4:04 pm 
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Joined: Mon May 29, 2017 6:43 am
Posts: 12
Motivation and permanent change.

There are many times, I look at my partner, in those brief periods when she is not in either distress or soaked in resentment, those periods maybe when sharing a breakfast I think about what an amazing person she is. By all rights, she would have been completely justified to up and leave a long time ago. Instead, she chose to try and understand my abhorrent behaviours and to encourage me to re-evaluate and examine, to embark on this ascent of what seems like an unbelievably steep of mountain. She has done this despite being being racked with pain and disappointment. She’s hurt badly and that makes me hurt as well. She’s too good of person to have to suffer this over again.
I could write so much more here and in time, I will but regardless of what the future holds, I have an incalculable debt of gratitude to her.
It guts me to think of the harm this has done to her and know that I did this...
I did something that I would have never have imagined. To hurt someone who has meant so much to me for so long. I hope I can help her to heal and show that, perhaps, I am worthy of her love again.
I don't know. It could very well be too late.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
My "10 to 15" reasons to effect permanent changes;
1) Be rid of compulsive behaviours that are destructive to myself and my partner.
2) Regain her respect. This is a tough one. Respect is like a broken egg and its fracture fundamentally alters the relationship dynamic. I am the 'flawed dog' and being such, it's very difficult to not always be seen as this, regardless of the changes and improvements that must occur. A rather unfortunate ‘typecasting’ that unbalances the relationship.
It is this one, that maybe the most difficult to overcome and will certainly require, firstly, change on my part and secondly….well….let’s see how the first part goes.

3) Allow her to feel secure again. As much as the zeitgeist of today is to eschew traditional roles, my partner needs to feel the security that only a relationship can bring. Without this security, the whole rational for a relationship is in question. I want to be the one to provide that, to make her feel safe, protected and that I would always put her needs first. She is a beautiful but fragile soul who suffered greatly as a child at the hands of a mother who never really understood her and who couldn’t give to her the security and unconditional love she so needed.
I've known forever how she lived in a state of anxiety and fear...skulking down low in the back seat of her mother's car trying desperately to just remain clear of everyone's radar. I've always believed that the day would come when I could be given the chance to provide
the comfort, security and love to her that she so needed.
I had that chance and squandered it and as much as she needs even more, this security in her life, I want to provide it.

4) I need to be free of the compulsive behaviours and free from the opium of inappropriate sexuality and urges.
This is tough. We all have attractions to things that, to others, seem inexplicable. Some of us crave scary roller coasters while others wouldn’t go near. This ‘excitement quotient’ is personal and fundamental to our choices. Whether the taboo holds sway with you or you haven’t the slightest interest whatsoever, point is, wherever you sit on the spectrum, the rational for subsequent decisions would appear to be endogenous although I believe that those choices can exacerbate and quickly ‘normalize’ wherever you are on the ‘inappropriate’ spectrum
I earlier expressed my concern as to how much one can change one’s fundamental makeup. For someone who hates scary roller coasters, it is very easy to make the choice not to ride one…for those of us attracted to such thrills, the choices aren’t so easy.
5) I would like the freedom from the guilt and shame that comes with inappropriate choices. Anytime that choices made are made in secret, a double life starts to form. There is the shiney, smiling one that’s appropriate to present to the public, family and friends then there is the one from within which, all those wrong choices are made from. It is always hoped that the boundaries between the two can be maintained but without fail, there will be cross contamination and the carefully constructed façade will collapse, releasing all those demons so carefully packed away to do immeasurable damage on those within vicinity.
I think there exists in all people, the desire to both have one’s cake and eat it too….after all, why have it if you’re not going to eat it..? This hedonistic approach to life lies at the locus of the conflict. We’re told throughout our lives and the constant message presented to us is to go after the things we desire, that happiness grows from, not a Calvinistic approach to life but rather, the pursuit of those experiences we desire. It’s when those desires run contrary to basic tenants of a relationship, when those choices insult the integrity of a relationship and break the trust on which a relationship is built then a decision must be made.
The level of shame that breaks out when the walls come down make this very hard to deal with. It’s not something that can be easily discussed, like a pie recipe. Blame is immediately apportioned and it isn’t a matter of ‘if’ you did it….but ‘why did you do it’?….or even worse, ‘how could you do it’?
It would be great if we could just hit a ‘reset’ button and start anew, but for reasons I discussed earlier, without fundamental changes made, I am quite certain that any new path would be far too close to the old paths.
I hope work on RN will result in those changes required to set a new path.
More to Come on this.


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