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PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 9:36 am 
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Recovery Workshop: Lesson Thirteen

II. Consider the values that surround both your healthy and unhealthy patterns. Are they consistent with your current prioritized values? If yes, wonderful. If not, how might this awareness alter how you are currently perceiving/managing your recovery? Share your thoughts in the community forum

Yes I believe that my values are aligned with my prioritised values. I acknowledge that I still need to perfect my actions based on these values but I believe I am slowly, but surely fully implementing these, my aim is that they will become fully ingrained and the norm, I am realistic enough to realise that I'm not going to undo 50 odd years of skewed thinking in the short term, but I truly believe I have made, and will continue to make, great strides over the coming months.


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PostPosted: Tue Oct 03, 2017 5:25 am 
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Lesson Fourteen

Daily Monitoring:

Have I actively engaged in my recovery today
Have I communicated successfully with EP
Have I shared my thoughts honestly and included all surrounding facts
Have I managed my time so I can do the things I need to do
Have I been aware of my thoughts and actions today
Did I act in a Reliable and Responsible way today – Did I use my phone to set reminders
Did I manage a day without anxious ruminations or panic attacks
• If not, did I use Mindfulness and CBT to deal with the thoughts
Did I manage a day without sexual ruminations – Flirting, inappropriate comments
• If not, was I aware of this and did I actively stop myself or apologise
Did I do something spontaneous today
Have I been insular and withdrawn today
• If yes am I aware why
Have I focussed on the ‘here and now’ today and not worried about the future
• If not, did I use Mindfulness and CBT to deal with the thoughts
Have I managed to accept criticism without feeling inadequate and unworthy
• If not am I aware of this and did I examine the evidence to support my feelings
Did I have fun today
Was I a good honest and honourable person today


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 16, 2017 5:17 am 
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Lesson 15

Take a minute to review what you have learned over the past two weeks. Of what you have learned so far, think of one example of how you have actively integrated that information into your day-to-day life. Share this in your personal thread.

Where to start …… Since I started to recover I have learned so much, I have gone from complete denial and confusion to quite extensive awareness of my situation and the circumstances and events that led me to that bad place and my role and responsibility in my fall. I have learned that, whilst I cannot change events of the past, just having reasons helps me immensely. I have learned that I am extremely emotionally immature, quite frighteningly so in fact, that I struggle to understand life most of the time and that, in my instance, addiction, be it alcohol, sex etc, stems from an inability to cope. I have learned that I have held a skewed view on certain aspects of my life, throughout my life which I am learning to change. I have learned that I am not alone in this, I am not a horrible, wicked person, just screwed up. I’ve learned that all of this can be rectified in time and that I can live a worthwhile, honest and good life and that I can be the husband and father I truly want to be.

Over the past two weeks, the monitoring has really highlighted my struggle with emotional maturity. I am struggling with communication and concentration, I have been suffering quite significant withdrawal symptoms from decades of antidepressant use and I hope that once this subsides, I will be able to think clearer, I am aware that this is hampering my progress a bit. In respect of my addictive behaviour I have really come a long way, I am more aware of my thoughts and actions, a good example of this is scanning, I am not objectifying women as I used to, for example, I followed a woman into town recently, she had a top on that exposed her whole back and, instead of launching off into some sordid fantasy, all I thought was blimey, she must be cold. This all happened subconsciously and it makes me very happy because I felt ‘normal’.

All in all, I have learned a lot about myself, my circumstances and my shortcomings. I have taken great strides, and moved a long way toward the person I want to be. I am very aware that I have a long long way to go


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PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2017 4:18 pm 
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Lesson 16 Exercise:
Share a few positive aspects of your addiction in your recovery thread.

I have been pondering this now for a few days, I genuinely can’t think of any positive aspects of my additions. They were all very destructive, devastating to those that loved me and myself, an escape from my perceived unbearable reality, yet, in turn, they all seemed unreal, like it wasn’t me that did those things, that drunk until he passed out, that masturbated to porn excessively, that didn’t consider the people I spoke to or met real, that lost himself in a fog of prescription and other drugs.

I get the chemical release, I understand that I couldn’t cope and I needed an escape but it filled me with self loathing, shame and despair and hurt the people I love, and the nice part of me was lost somewhere in the fog screaming this isn’t the answer. I wanted to die, I felt worthless, futile and pathetic, an abhoration. I was feelingless emotionless and yet I made myself keep drinking, keep meeting casual sex partners who I just saw as body parts, not people. I understand that I was the same to them, not real, just a cock, an animal.

I think I was punishing myself, it’s what I deserved, I was paying myself back fo being so evil. I had planned to not make it and I was seeing it through, it was a matter of time.

A while back my doctor and psychiatrist wanted to section me, they were concerned for my safety. I wish with all my heart that I had chosen that path, that I had just let go of fighting myself and given up in a safe way, got the help I needed. That would have been positive but my skewed view on life kept me fighting.

I’m in a better place now, I’m sober, I’ve kicked all habits, I’m off medication which frankly has been hell to kick, I’m in control of my sexual urges and I have a better understanding of why and how I got so messed up, I have an understanding of how addiction wormed it’s way into my life and the nice part of me is growing again. But there was nothing positive in my addictions. I wish I could go back and chose another path another solution, that’s not an option. I do know I won’t be making the same mistakes and I know the warning signs and triggers that I have to avoid for the rest of my life. It’s time to grow up.


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PostPosted: Thu Oct 26, 2017 8:23 am 
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Lesson 17 Exercise:
I. Consider a particular compulsive ritual that you have engaged in. Identify the elements of this ritual and post them in your recovery thread. It is important that you understand the principals involved in identifying the stimulating elements of compulsive rituals...so if you are not comfortable with this concept, ask questions! Also, recognize that the elements listed above are not the only elements associated with compulsive behaviour. And so, you will want to identify those elements that are specifically related to YOUR compulsive behaviour.

Masturbation.
I used it to escape from my perceived unbearable reality which, in turn lead to a depressed state of futility, failure and worthlessness. I definitely used masturbation to alter my emotional state. Initially the goal was the euphoria of orgasm but, as this became more difficult due to guilt, shame and then medication, I used porn to ‘become efficient’. I had always been attracted to pornography from a very young age, certainly in my youth/teens, but had effectively managed, (or supressed), my urges from my mid/late 20’s until the latter part of my marriage. I can see now that. Over time, the dependency on porn overtook the need to be efficient and the act, rather than the result, became the ‘fix’. Therefore, from a sensory perspective, Sight was definitely the most significant factor in this compulsive behaviour and, on many occasions, would even be the trigger me. For example, whilst innocently using the internet, an image would appear and inspire me to look at porn and I’d be off into some alternative reality, in truth, I contemplated blinding myself on a many occasions because of the guilt and shame I felt …. ‘if thine eyes deceive thee’ and all that . Sound – I guess I did also use sound as stimulation and, toward the end of my addiction using phone sex was a significant symptom of the addiction.

The fantasy concept actually disturbs me terribly. You say …. ‘as the addict masters the use of fantasy, the images approximate that of reality – in a worst case scenario, they would begin to lose touch with reality, and find it difficult to differentiate between what is real and what is fantasy - at this point, a state of delusional fantasy might exist’….. I cannot put into words the extent to which this fills me with dread, this is a scenario that I have experienced throughout my life. As a very young child I could not distinguish between dreams/nightmares and reality and at a very young age was medicated. This has plagued me throughout my life and, as ep would say, led to a ‘Walter Mitty’ alter ego …. ‘the illusion of reality becomes so strong, that it triggers the same physiological responses as if the sexual behaviour was actually taking place’ …. This is not just true of sex but many aspects of my life and I became someone I wasn’t to ‘protect’ myself and my family and, to this day, I’m still not sure if some of my memories are reality ….

‘Frequently, this person would suffer from the inability to establish intimacy with long-term partners’ ….. I know I love EP more than life itself, but I acknowledge that I am extremely emotionally immature and intimacy does not come naturally to me, in fact, it’s a frustrating and exhausting struggle. My instinct is to hide what I perceive as ‘corrupt’ and ‘weak’ and that has been to the detriment of feelings. I hope that I can teach myself to be open and intimate, at this stage, I am overwhelmed by the task.

‘Like a gambler, sexually compulsive people have learned to reach mind-altering highs in the rituals that precede the sexual/romantic act. The waiting, the wondering...they combine with fantasy to produce a state of euphoria which often transcends the concept of time’ …. This is a very big part of my addiction, I think it stems from a need to be wanted/respected due to feeling unworthy of anyone that actually did want or respect me, not just sexually. Towards the end I spent considerable time manipulating and leading women on online with no intention of taking things further. I created fake profiles online to give myself credibility on sex sites and, when women became interested, I would block them. I thought this was a lack of courage to see things through, in part, I think that is true to an extent, but just being desired gave me a release and I now see that that is just as much part of the addition as porn, internet or phone sex.

Goal Oriented Behaviour ‘This same "goal-oriented" behaviour can be found in the pleasure received when bringing a partner to orgasm. Often, it can be taken to the extreme in that the sole purpose of the sexual activity becomes the partner's achievement of orgasm’ … I think this stems from my introduction to sex, which was basically ‘porn’, Think I’ve explained this earlier in my thread but my early experience was not an innocent, fumbling, emotional introduction, it was a performance, I knew what was required of me and anything less was failure. When I met ep, all that changed and I experienced closeness and true intimacy, but I guess this perception has always been lurking in the background, a subconscious feeling that if I didn’t make her orgasm, she didn’t enjoy it and I had failed. Certainly, since ep and I have been doing the RN program, she has made me aware that I didn’t have ‘normal, intimate’ sex on many occasions throughout our life together, and that is difficult to accept.

‘Good or bad, your past is used as a filter for your current experiences. For most, this is a natural and unnoticed part of life; for others, certain behaviours and situations take on a much more significant role...and amplify the emotions that accompany these situations. Some have grown up in an environment of control, humiliation and/or degradation’… No Fear, no feelings, no weakness, no emotion, be a man, don’t show your vulnerabilities, hence no social skills just words …. I accept that this was not malicious, that everything was done with the best intentions, that I was genuinely loved as best as I could be, Maybe this is my bad, all on me, and my skewed view on life has twisted my youth, I accept that this is a possibility, in any event I retreated into my ‘Walter Mitty’ bubble, became untouchable, tough and emotionless, then the world couldn’t hurt me anymore and porn, sex and fantasy got a hold.

Poly-Addictions – What Sex couldn’t minimise alcohol, drugs, prescription and otherwise became my crutch. On many occasions, the combined effect of all of them wasn’t enough and I broke.

This has been incredibly painful for me. I know that I can learn to overcome all of this, but right here, right now, I feel a fraud, not human and that is borderline vindication of the total contempt I have felt for myself throughout my life.

That’s all I’ve got for now ……………..


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 02, 2017 5:35 am 
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Lesson 18

‘Time — Understanding the role that time plays in the preparation and participation of a compulsive behaviour’……. I’m not sure that preparation paid a significant role in my compulsive behaviours. The usual sequence of events would have been the trigger, a bad thought, a sense of futility leading to panic or a feeling of being overwhelmed, inadequate, worthless, sometimes an unsolicited image, followed by a protracted battle to suppress the feelings, then, once overwhelmed, a knee jerk reaction to escape, usually through porn and alcohol, sometimes drugs. If the escape from reality was fantasy/porn then I guess once triggered, the ritual would have been trawling the web, looking for the right image or clip that would make the release of masturbation efficient, or contacting someone and leading them on to a point of wanting to meet me then closing it down once I thought I was ‘wanted’. Where time does factor in is once involved in the ritual, an inordinate amount of time would be spend searching.

‘Intensity — intensity refers to how well you have mastered the techniques involved in performing a specific behaviour’ ….. Thanks to the high level anti-depressants, anorgasmia and depression, the release became hard work and I had to become very efficient at finding the right stimulation to reach orgasm.

‘Habituation - performing the same exact behaviours over and over and over will tend to decrease the overall stimulation’ …... Whilst I understand that the drugs cause anorgasmia to a degree, I agree that the effectiveness of the use of porn did wane and I suspect that’s why things progressed to online/phone sex and ultimately meeting. Ironically, the ‘further’ things went, the more unsatisfying and debasing I found them, the worse I felt and the more I had to escape through alcohol, drugs etc. I had actually come to the conclusion that meeting people that were as screwed up as me was a big disappointment, that I was trying to enact porn and that I may as well just look at porn. As far as alcohol was concerned, it escalated out of all control until, some nights, I was drinking 3 bottles of wine on top of medication, sleeping tablets, barbituates etc, because one bottle, didn’t get me ‘numb’.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 02, 2017 11:14 am 
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Lesson 20

With the help of EP, my therapist and other family members, I have been doing this since came out of denial and accepted that I had an addictive personality and had relied on fantasy, alcohol, drugs and sex to compensate for my emotional immaturity. I have a good understanding of the factors and events that caused me to detach myself from reality and develop such a skewed view on life. I have learned the triggers and how/why I fell as far as I did. I know life is never going to be straightforward, god knows it hasn’t been until now, and I need to ensure that I deal with the feelings and emotions in an appropriate way that doesn’t conflict with my values and send me off into a downward spiral.

I have a long long way to go but I have come so far and I feel that, with all that I have learned, I am confident I will not fall prey to the same destructive cycle of events. I know that if addiction comes back into my life again, as dramatic as it sounds, I am a dead man. I have already been to a place where I started to implement my end, albeit slowly because I couldn’t live with being that version of me, I have no reservation in saying I would rather be dead that end up in my own little hell again.

So how am I going to stay sane, sober, respectable and alive? In a previous lesson I was asked to think of the positives of my addictions ….. There aren’t any, period ….. It did get me thinking about what I would have done without addiction and, whilst I hope to god it’s a situation I don’t have to contend with, If I ever get to the point where I can’t cope, life’s crushing me and I’m going under, I will get myself sectioned and get the help I need.

This is something I will be considering for some time, maybe the rest of my life. I can beat this, I’m in a good place.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 10, 2017 8:05 am 
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Lesson 21 Exercise:

A. What large goals have you attempted in your life and failed? Why do you suppose you failed?

I tried to control my addictions when I knew my son was coming home from university, I knew that I was out of control, in a living hell and I didn’t want to subject him to seeing his father in that place. Nor did I want EP to know what I’d become even though, in my mind, she would never want to be with me again. I think I failed because I couldn’t cope with the fact of just how far I’d fallen, what I’d done and the shame I felt, I’d completely given up, my alcoholism sex and drug addictions had become much bigger than me. The contempt I felt for myself prevented me from getting help and my only coping mechanism was the escape of fantasy or inebriated oblivion. I wasn’t here anymore and the anti depressants amplified the situation exponentially.

B. What large goals have you attempted in your life and succeeded? Why do you suppose you were able to succeed?

Having spent my childhood, teens and early twenties basically being told I would never amount to much in life, I wanted to become a professional person and to have a good career, I wanted to be the best person I could be, I achieved this and even excelled in my field. My main driver was to provide a good life for EP and then my son, I guess that I also needed to prove my worth, mainly to myself.

C. List one recovery goal that you have and break it down into as many smaller, measurable tasks as necessary for you to manage it successfully. If you find this difficult, then you are probably starting off with too general of a recovery goal. Make it specific.

I want to achieve a greater level of emotional maturity over the next 3 months, a bit general, but this is my main hurdle to recovery at the moment, and I think is the key to my finding and providing peace. I touched on this in lesson 6 so I’ll use that as my framework because it still holds up.

Goal - Let go of the past - it has become apparent to me that I need to learn to mourn the losses in my life as this has the potential to fuel my sense of emptiness and futility which in turn has the potential to trigger my need to escape reality.
Steps;
Over the next 3 months, with the aid of my therapist, I will learn to confront the things I cannot change and respond in an appropriate manner in accordance with my values.
Monthly - At the end of each month I will re-evaluate my responses to events, positive and negative to gauge my progress and identify areas to be addressed.
Daily - Each day, as part of my monitoring, I will review the events of the day and assess whether my responses were in accordance with my goals and values.

Goal – Build self-esteem and confidence, I will Acknowledge my successes - I will focus on my achievements and not dwell on my failings.
Steps
Over the next 3 months, I will make a concerted effort to focus on the positives I have achieved and the good I have done.
Monthly - At the end of each month I will re-assess the good things I have achieved and done throughout the past month.
Daily - Each day, I will spend 5 minutes with my ‘gratitude list’ and acknowledge 3 good achievements/deeds I accomplished that day

Goal – Over the next 3 months, I will increase control of my emotions and learn to express them in a real and accurate way to prevent them making me sad and angry
Steps:
Over the next 3 months I will make a concerted effort to understand my emotional response to events that have happened.
Monthly – I will take time to consider the events that happened during the month and the emotional response I had to those events.
Daily, I will be mindful each day of any strong emotional feelings I have and try to understand what triggered them and, at the end of each day I will evaluate if my emotional responses were in proportion to the events using CBT – what’s the evidence etc.

Goal – Appropriate communication.
Steps:
Over the next 3 months I will continue to be thoughtful - I will be mindful of the effect my words and actions have on others and not give the wrong impression be misleading.
Monthly: I will take time to consider the events that happened during the month and whether my communication around those events was accurate and explicit and couldn’t be misinterpreted.
Daily: At the beginning of each day I will affirm my intention to be aware, present and attentive and focus on my current and real surroundings to avoid conflicts with my values.

Goal: Be realistic about my limitations - I still have unrealistic expectations of myself and my capabilities.
Steps:
Over the next 3 months I will try to accept that perfection is unrealistic and my best is good enough.
Monthly: I will re-evaluate my achievements over the past months whilst maintaining a realistic perspective.
Daily: I will be mindful of any feelings of disappointment about myself and my achievements and, at the end of each day assess my emotional response to the events/circumstances that lead to those feelings in a realistic/human way.

Throughout the next 3 months I will continue to use the tools I have learned to control my panic anxiety and depression - Mindfulness & CBT


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2017 10:44 am 
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Lesson 22 Exercise:
Ritual Measured:
Masturbation
Primary Elements Involved:
Fantasy (Escape); Visual Stimulation; Orgasm
Values assigned:
Fantasy: 3
Visual Stimulation: 2
Orgasm: 3
Filters applied:
Fantasy:
*Time — more stimulation required as time passes. At its peak, this would be a 9
*Intensity — at its peak 7
*Habituation — Intensity wanes over time 2
Visual Stimulation:
*Time —no time limit 6
*Intensity — Loses intensity over time, more time spent searching 4
*Habituation — Wanes over time 6
Orgasm:
*Time — No control over length of orgasm - 2
*Intensity — Decreases as time passes due to guilt - 5
*Habituation — A significant part of the escape process - 5


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2017 5:27 am 
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Lesson 23

I now have a good understanding of the factors that caused me to act the way I did, I am aware that my inability to deal with, and express emotion in a healthy way, without getting overwhelmed and triggering the need to escape which, in turn, lead to my compulsive and addictive behaviours. This is still an issue, albeit diminishing
Being able to identify the triggers, and quantify the emotional impact of each of the factors in the sequence of events that lead me to that position, will help me understand why I feel the way I feel at times and, if I can understand that, I have a chance of applying my values.
I have to say, this is already happening to a degree and, whilst I still have a lot to learn and ingrain, I think the more I measure the stages that lead to my compulsive rituals, the more chance I have of reprogramming my response patterns, and reacting the way I want to any given situation i.e. the more I understand my feelings and responses, the more I can deal with given situations in an appropriate and ‘grown up’ way without conflicting with my values and principles.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2017 5:45 am 
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Lesson 24

Bad feelings
Need to escape
Try to suppress feelings
Choose fantasy if alcohol not available
Guilt/shame
Need stimulation
Search for porn
Find appropriate material
Masturbate
Orgasm
Shame


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:26 pm 
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Lesson 29

A.
emotion - overwhelming sadness - thoughts - how could I have caused EP and those I love so much hurt, why do I find it so hard to empathise, am I truly just a horrible selfish liar, am I emotionally retarded
emotion - frustration - thoughts - why couldn’t I see what was happening, why couldn’t I see that my view on life was corrupted, why couldn’t I see the hurt I caused myself and others throughout my life, why didn’t I hear what those who loved me were telling me, why wasn’t I strong enough just to be me and not what I thought everyone else wanted me to be, how could I turn my back on my values so thoroughly
emotion - shame and humiliation - how could I degrade myself so thoroughly, why did I humiliate myself when all along it conflicted with what I value, will I ever be able to forgive myself, I was weak, a coward and I lived in part through fantasy to avoid facing the pain of realty, why did I have to resort alcohol and act like a pervert with porn and casual sex, how did I become such a manipulative liar
emotion - anger, fear - thoughts - will I ever be able to gain full control of my emotions, do I actually deserve the support I have, why did the things that made me who I became have to happen and why did I have to react the way I did, what if depression gets a hold on me again, the crushing futility, will I ever be proud of myself again
emotion - hope - thoughts - I obviously have some good qualities or EP and others wouldn’t persevere with me, I can learn empathy and responsibility, I can learn to behave in a responsible adult way I have been and can continue to be compassionate, caring and generous, I can become honest, learn to control my inability to be explicit and emotionally intimate
emotion - happiness - I have a chance to become the man I always wanted to be, a real whole person living in the present - I can give EP the life she deserves and show my son by example how to live a true and peaceful life, I can draw my last breath knowing I did my absolute best to live the remainder of my life in an honest, sincere, mature and uncorrupted way.

B
Throughout my life I have had a few moments of respite from anxiety, I became quite a good musician and would completely loose my fears when performing, I gained a lot of confidence when I achieved a fairly successful career, I became quite an adept bodybuilder and when I worked out, I was completely at peace. I know that when I met EP, I felt whole and, whilst I understand the ‘honeymoon period’ is not a unique experience to me, had many many times when I would truly feel at peace, when my son was born I felt truly blessed and have many many fond memories of true happiness as a family without anxiety. The happiest day in my life was our wedding day and I felt truly happy like everything was going to be fine and the world couldn’t touch us, like I was accepted and truly loved. I know that anxiety and depression have spasmodically plagued my life just like addiction, in fact I fully understand that the two are self perpetuating, I know that interspersed with moments of true euphoria at how blessed I was were dark moments that I suppressed and fought that broke me on occasion and lead to suicidal thoughts and plans at their zenith that fuelled my addictions

That’s how it went in my mind in the 15 minutes, a lot of self pity I suspect, as my thread states, I understand a lot of the causes and I know the way forward. This was very painful but, I wasn’t triggered to act out or escape through fantasy, porn, masturbation or intoxication which makes me quite proud. My biggest challenge now is unlearning a lifetime of inability to communicate implicitly, to grow emotionally and to empathise


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 10, 2018 5:27 pm 
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Lesson 31 Exercise:

A. Make a list of all identifiable stressors that have affected your emotional health over the past week. For each, document whether it is a mild, moderate, severe or extreme stressor. Example: 1) Facing Possible Divorce: extreme; 2) Lost respect among friends and family: moderate

Stressors:
1. Guilt for how I’ve made EP feel - extreme
2. Fear that I’m not going to get things right in time to save my relationship - extreme
3. Frustration that I am still struggling to communicate explicitly without great effort - severe
4. Joy that things are better than they’ve been between us for a long long time - extreme
5. Pride that I’m managing to implement agreed actions in my day to day life - extreme
6. Worrying about my sons situation - moderate
7. Pride that I am guiding him in a positive and supportive way - severe
8. Realising I need to sell my car (hassle factor) - mild
9. Concern about my emotional intelligence - severe
10. Lack of energy and incentive to exercise - moderate
11. Boredom at work - mild
12. Overanalysing everything - severe
13. Dwelling in the past -severe

B. Return to your values list created earlier in the workshop. In a healthy life, the majority of energy being drained (e.g. stress) should be related to the pursuit of your highest prioritized values (top fifteen or so). Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the way that you are expending your energy?

On the whole the vast majority of my stress relates to changing ingrained behaviours and actions to those I want to have in order to become the man I want to be and to live by my values. The changes I am making give me hope and I derive much motivation from them, There are some superfluous stresses that are mild and reflect everyday issues. I still expend a lot of energy worrying about things I can’t change, primarily past actions and I know this needs to stop. On this basis, I think the pattern is well on the way to where it should be albeit in need of further work

C. Likewise, in a healthy life, the majority of meaning and stimulation that you gain should also be related to your highest values. Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the quality of life you are living?

I believe that all of the meaning and stimulation I am gaining is coming from my highest values so, yes I do see this pattern. My quality of life is still hampered by my clinging onto past guilt and shame so a work in progress


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