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 Post subject: Yoyo's recovery thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 28, 2017 12:46 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Im trying this again. I was going to say "one last time" but I can't even convince myself with my supposed drama and determination, so I'm not going to bother
I've done the first half of this workshop more times than I can count so I'm changing my name here to Yoyo as it is certainly more fitting than the name I originally chose.
I don't rate myself highly even now in the reasons for change dept. I don't know that they're even as strong as they were when I was less actively in addiction. I suppose this shouldn't surprise me, addiction bleeds me out, kills every part of.me slowly, so why would my resolve or any other healthy part of me grow?
It is just such a dead end. As I've mentioned many times, I'm what is, according to Jon, one of the typical characters - workaholic p/m addict, so it doesn't affect my life outwardly, but inwardly, I don't enjoy anything, there is less love in my marriage, I feel and am consistently unworthy and I don't see the point in much of what humanity gets excited about.
In full disclosure, I've always felt this way
In fuller disclosure, ive had sex addiction symptoms since I was a little kid. I don't know why or how it started but it doesn't matter one bit now. I dont jave any memories that arent tinted by some weird sexual thing going on, as far back as i go.
As for time, I got nothong but. Where am I going? At this point, if someone convinced me that 20 years from now id be through with all this, I'd sign up. I don't know how to live without porn hits. I never have, though I've had years of "sobriety". My life seems to be the stuff that's happened between porn binges.
Guilt and shame? I barely know what life is without it. Porn, guilt/shame, brief relief with sincere repentence, then building pressure from no life stimulation or connection to any values except tryimg to do what's right then the quick (or slow, end is the same) slide back to porn to start it all over again. I have no idea what any other kind of.life is like.
I will say that, disconcertingly, I feel like I hate myself less lately. That is more a product of my feelings in general dying I suppose, as I feel I love myself and everyone else a little less too, but it is weird. Or maybe it's more of my inability to pretend Im a naughty kid anymore. Im a man and this is the life I've chosen. What else am i goin to do? I've cried buckets of tears over it and caused my poor wife to do the same. At some point, it stops being a shocking tragedy and I have to looka t what's left and see if I can live with it.
I don't want to live with it. I honesly don't. If i could go in for a pornectomy and have it removed, I really would. But there are gaping holes in me I don't know how to fill and many of the alternatives and remedies out there are unappealing to me as well, so it will continue to be hard to delete something without much to fill that void. But I know I have to. I don't want this in my life.
I'm not doing the baby picture thing again. In part because there was no time when my life wasn't largely ruled by sex, addictive or otherwise, so I can't feel terribly different about an "other" me when there doesn't appear to have ever been one.
Heres what I must do, Though. I must write, every damn day. Anything less and I'm screwed. This is getting worse, not better. Jon is right about that too. Change is inevitable and I don't like the direction this is going in.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 29, 2017 10:59 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
For the love of Pete. I did my entire vision and, of course, when I went to post it, I had to log in again and it was gone. Again. If there is one thing to fix on this site, please drop the time-out-auto-log-out feature. If we're too stupid to remember to log out, so be it. I've lost so many posts that I had to take time to think out!!
Here goes again:

My first thought is to my kids. It should be to my wife I think, but I'll address that later. They take up most of our non-working time and are pretty high maintenence. Brilliant and talented but underdeveloped in some areas. They need more of me. More quantity. More alone time. I will give it to them. This means:
We play more games together. We read more together. We watch more movies, get more goodies, and even (ugh) play more video games together.
I will look for chances to be together one on one, especially my oldest who will be gone soon. I will take one along with me whenever I can. Remember, I'm shooting for quantity here, so dumb little errands are fine. I will bring them along when I can to render service and will help them more readily to fulfill their own service responsibilities.
I will be home for dinner as often as possible. I will tell them I love them more and hug them more. I will put them to bed WHENEVER they want and even sometimes when they don't.
I will strive harder to model Father in heaven to my boys. I can do this by listening intently to what they say, witholding judgement and trying to see their point of view. Also by setting the example of selfless service to my wife and to them, especially when I'm tired or it should be my turn.
My relationship with my wife needs some atrention. I feel like we have become somewhat hardened by stress, fear and my issues so that there is a lack of tenderness, respect and service. Heres how I will seek to remedy this:
1) I have underestimated the degree to which she needs a real creative outlet. I will help facilitate her development here by:
A)taking dance lessons if she wants
B) facilitating her being in a production by taking care of kids or otherwise supporting her as needed to be involved.
C) continue to provide voice lessons and encouraging her to take them.
D) keeping my opinions about her creative pursuits to myself.
I need to progress in a number of ways and she wants a number of changes. I cannot do them all at once, but I will seek to understand her priorities in my development and take them into consideration.
I will work with my wife to accomplish home projects. She has a number of them and I do as well. I will make that together time as much as I can and will seek to serve her in this way by prioritizing her home development vision.
My wife needs and deserves a man who leads our family in spiritual and developmental matters. I will be that man more by initiating daily family prayer and weekly family time. I will attend the temple with her monthly, one way or another. I will contine to attend church and to serve as assigned and will discuss my experiences positively with her and the kids so that they all are uplifted by my religious experiences and feel that it is a positive part of my life.
I will facilitate as soon as possible my wife's departure from the family business. Her passions lie elsewhere and I will encourage and facilitate her pursuit of them by helping to find and train her replacement. Whatever she decides to pursue thereafter I will support.
My wife worries more about retirement than I do, so I will start one of the retirememt plans we've discussed so she can worry a bit less.
I have improved as a boss. I will continue to treat my employees with respect and esteem, but not as friends or family. They are not and that treatment has never been nor will ever be returned. I will expect excellence from them and will quit making my family suffer through the foolish idea that I too am an employee and need to work more and at all hours than they do. I will quit apologizing for the fact that I own and built this business and will start to live more like i'm the boss by taking some time off and living a bit less beneath our means.
I will seek to develop an environment wherein I can create more and administrate less. This will take some work, but is possible.
I would like to retire partially early. I doubt I will want to retire fully - maybe ever. But I do want more time to serve, to counsel and perhaps to travel with my wife-family. I will pursue excellence in my field and fearlessly incorporate the innovations we are developing and will ask God for help to accelerate my ability to step partially aside in the next decade.
I have completed and surprisingly enjoyed some home improvement projects. I will pursue more and will prioritize my wife's list and see them as creative projects our family can share in rather than oppressive duties. I will TRY to trust my kids with more substantive help in these projects, remembering that I'm raising kids, not a house.
Lastly and most importantly - I have treated my relationship with my Father in heaven as He never has or would. I am so sorry for this. I will repent sincerely, completely and daily. I will act like Jesus is the Savior, friend, God and hero He is by speaking about Him more often, pondering Him and His teachings meaningfully, daily. I will spend some time each day, pondering His word. This may be very limited for a while because I am prioritizing RN for the time being, but I believe He's in agreement with that decision. However, i can and will do something each day.
Overall, my life has been one that is filled with blessings i don't or can't enjoy and filled with self imposed duties and restraints that could be enjoyable but arent. I'm not sure why this is exactly, but I intend to reverse this trend.
This is enough for now. My vision will and should change and grow, but this is enough for now.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 30, 2017 10:32 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Lesson 3 Values from Vision

Modeling to my kids:
Joy
Repentance
Forgiveness
Hard work
Laughter
Hope
Courage
Providing them with security in their physical lives
Providing them with security in their emotional lives
Time playing with kids
Time working with kids
Time relaxing with kids
Being an understanding listener
Forgiving my wife
Developing and modeling patience
Selflessness
Supporting my wife in her pursuits
Learning to ignore/walk away from conflicts
Being active/creative in building a beautiful environment
Being creative in business and artistically
Leading out spiritually
Making our home more beautiful or valuable
Feeling the Spirit
Feeling the positive feelings my medication helps me to feel
stepping into the void of risk when I feel I am prepared
the feeling I get when work is done or a project completed
getting out into nature - creating natural environments wherein I can observe nature
feeling approved by God
feeling His love
Helping others to have hope
Counseling others
reading inspired/inspiring books
reading stupid but fun books
good movies
Being physically strong
Sleep
Financial stability
Being debt free
Serving the needy
Going out with friends
Prayer
Recognizing the hand of God in my life
Closeness with Mrs.
Good food
Politics
Watching college football
Visits with parents
Going hunting
Teaching in church
Listening to Good music
Going to the beach
Writing
Intimacy with Marge
Standing up for what's right
Discovering new parts of nature

Dark Side Values:
Escape
Self-centered-ness
lust
burning it all down
pleasure
being someone else - better said, being no one
thrill, rush
sneaking, commando spirit
danger
stress relief
seeking out perfection (as in the perfect scenario)
alone-ness


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 31, 2017 11:47 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Prioritized Values

Modeling to my kids:Joy, Repentance, Forgiveness, Hard work, Laughter, Hope, Courage
Closeness with Mrs.
Emotional stability with Marge
feeling approved by God
Feeling the Spirit
Physical intimacy with Marge
Prayer
Financial stability
Time relaxing with family
Time playing with family
Time working with family
Providing fam with security in their physical lives
Providing fam with security in their emotional lives
Being active/creative in building a beautiful environment
Being creative in business and artistically
Being an understanding listener
Forgiving my wife
Supporting my wife in her pursuits
Listening to Good music
reading stupid but fun books
Discovering new parts of nature
Making our home more beautiful or valuable
feeling His love
Helping others to have hope
Developing and modeling patience
Selflessness
Being debt free
reading inspired/inspiring books
good movies
Learning to ignore/walk away from conflicts


Leading out spiritually


Feeling the positive feelings my medication helps me to feel
stepping into the void of risk when I feel I am prepared
the feeling I get when work is done or a project completed
getting out into nature - creating natural environments wherein I can observe nature


Counseling others



Being physically strong
Sleep


Serving the needy
Going out with friends

Recognizing the hand of God in my life

Good food
Politics
Watching college football
Visits with parents
Going hunting
Teaching in church

Going to the beach
Writing

Standing up for what's right


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 01, 2017 10:55 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
I whittled it down to 19 - that's the best I can do at the moment (knowing what comes next ;)

Modeling to my kids:Joy, Repentance, Forgiveness, Hard work, Laughter, Hope, Courage
Closeness with Mrs./Emotional stability with Marge
feeling approved by God/Feeling the Spirit
Physical intimacy with Marge
Prayer
Financial stability/ debt free
Time relaxing with family
Time playing with family
Time working with family
Providing fam with security in their emotional lives
Being creative in business and artistically
Forgiving my wife
Supporting my wife in her pursuits
Listening to Good music
reading stupid but fun books
Discovering new parts of nature
Making our home more beautiful or valuable
reading inspired/inspiring books
good movies


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 03, 2017 12:09 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Action Plans 1

A few easy ones:

Making our home more beautiful or valuable
1. Pick ONE main project with Marge
2. Schedule at least one step in completing that project each week.
3. Know that more than one project may need to be worked on at once, but that is OK, SOMETHING should be able to be chipped away at each week
4. As much as possible, include the kids in the project. Make it a family time and try to find ways they can (at least seemingly) contribute.
5. Have SOME KIND of reward, treat, celebration when it is complete. It is not just about getting stuff done, but about ENJOYING the fruits of our labors! Remember, JOY is the ultimate objective

Prayer
Every morning, before showering, checking emails or anything else, pray.
Every night before going to be, pray, ON KNEES.
Every day, I am responsible to call the family together for prayer.
DONT use family prayers to set an example, to call family member out, to reprimand or talk about things I don't care about. Use it to honestly and vulnerably discuss my concerns, my family's concerns, express sincere gratitude, give updates, etc. It can be long or short, but needs to be directed to GOD, not to the family vicariously.

TIME with family
Let's make this simple - here are some ways I can and should be spending time with the family. Choose ANY of these for a successful moment:
- get a goodie
- Read a chapter to the kids. If I don't have a book we're working through, GET ONE NOW!
- Watch darn near anything that is age appropriate with the kids
- Play a game with any family member(S)
- Grab a kid and run an errand.
- grab a kid or more and go do something nice for someone who would appreciate it
- read scriptures with the fam or whoever is there
- help a kid with homework or a personal project
- have a personal talk with one of the kids
- run an errand with Marge
- watch a movie with Marge
- work outside with anyone
- Ask anyone to tell me about their day/ week / ambitions/ goals / fears / wants / frustrations etc.
- EXERCISE with anyone that is available. Anything from go to the gym, take a walk, do some pushups, work on dance moves, go swimming - anything physical.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:37 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Action Plans 2
I'll take on two more tonight:

Closeness with/Emotional stability with Marge
Complicated and yet, not so - I have to start by remembering:
1) we are not the same person, do not see things the same way
2) NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS, she RARELY wants me to try to solve her problems. Much more "uh huh dear", much less, "let me tell/show you how to fix this" will go a long ways

3) I need to be more proactive in expressing (and developing) my love for her. Don't wait for special occasions to do something kind - do something she would appreciate NOW!
4) I needn't feel threatened or slighted that my business does not feed her. She can help while she can and I can and should help her to pursue her own vision of success. My opinion about what that is doesn't matter.
5) Our lives are passing us by with way too much stress/obligations/frustrations. We don't have to wait to steal fun, happy, silly, sexy, relaxing moments. We can take them, create them and hoard them greedily and poop on anyone or anything that makes us feel bad about it. We've lost or neglected far too many already for a single lifetime. We need to make up for lost time, so start NOW! Easiest way to make up for lost time is to ask her what she wants/needs/desires and DO IT! That will be a good start
6) If I am healthy, I am a better partner. If my needs are met, I'm exercising, I'm praying and balancing my life, I have something to give. Let deadlines pass as needed, let "opportunities" die if needed, take my life back one indulgent, healthy, values-based moment at at time and trust that they are adding up to the change I want!
7) Let Marge know I love her often and appreciate her sacrifices and work and forgiveness.



Feeling approved by God/Feeling the Spirit
1) Repent - including doing the work to actually turn around/turn away. Say sorry sincerely and quickly. Confess as needed. Increase in pro-activity in my spiritual duties as a part of a program of change
2) Study/ponder the truths of God. Time invested here ALWAYS pays dividends. HE will always give me much more than I give Him. But He can't do it all. Time is required to be invested on my part in both my own knowledge/understanding and in serving others. Remember, I almost NEVER regret doing what I'm supposed to, I almost ALWAYS regret "taking a break" from my duties.
3) Pray. Talk to Him often about everything that is meaningful to me, then LISTEN and ACT on promptings.
4) Forgive everyone everything always as QUICKLY as possible. What other options do I have? DONT JUDGE others - with what measure I mete...


Making our home more beautiful or valuable
1. Pick ONE main project with Marge
2. Schedule at least one step in completing that project each week.
3. Know that more than one project may need to be worked on at once, but that is OK, SOMETHING should be able to be chipped away at each week
4. As much as possible, include the kids in the project. Make it a family time and try to find ways they can (at least seemingly) contribute.
5. Have SOME KIND of reward, treat, celebration when it is complete. It is not just about getting stuff done, but about ENJOYING the fruits of our labors! Remember, JOY is the ultimate objective

Prayer
Every morning, before showering, checking emails or anything else, pray.
Every night before going to be, pray, ON KNEES.
Every day, I am responsible to call the family together for prayer.
DONT use family prayers to set an example, to call family member out, to reprimand or talk about things I don't care about. Use it to honestly and vulnerably discuss my concerns, my family's concerns, express sincere gratitude, give updates, etc. It can be long or short, but needs to be directed to GOD, not to the family vicariously.

TIME with family
Let's make this simple - here are some ways I can and should be spending time with the family. Choose ANY of these for a successful moment:
- get a goodie
- Read a chapter to the kids. If I don't have a book we're working through, GET ONE NOW!
- Watch darn near anything that is age appropriate with the kids
- Play a game with any family member(S)
- Grab a kid and run an errand.
- grab a kid or more and go do something nice for someone who would appreciate it
- read scriptures with the fam or whoever is there
- help a kid with homework or a personal project
- have a personal talk with one of the kids
- run an errand with Marge
- watch a movie with Marge
- work outside with anyone
- Ask anyone to tell me about their day/ week / ambitions/ goals / fears / wants / frustrations etc.
- EXERCISE with anyone that is available. Anything from go to the gym, take a walk, do some pushups, work on dance moves, go swimming - anything physical.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 04, 2017 1:37 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Action Plans

#1 Being Happy - I know this is a bit unconventional and that I don't exactly have this as a stated value - and that this is supposed to be the result of all the stated values, but trust me, it needs to be #1 here.
1) Sit and ponder over the goodness of God in my life and in the lives of billions of others. Gratitude = Happiness
2) Read something worthwhile to one of my kids
3) Watch something worthwhile with one of my kids
4) Build something worthwhile with anyone in my family
5) Do something fun for anyone - a goofy gift, play a friendly prank, plan a fun surprise. Doesn't have to save their souls or change their lives - just do something I think is fun or humorous and include another person. Easy.
6) Create something. Doesn't have to sell, make any money, or be liked by anyone but me. But it should be challenging and it should be beautiful.
7) Read a good book. Doesn't have to preach truth, but it is hard to find good books that don't.

Exercise -
1) I really only need one here. I'm going to start going to the gym 5 days a week on my lunch hour. I'll get in a short workout for 15 minutes or so. I know that's not much, but its better than the nothing I've been doing for a long time. I'll add to this when my 15 minutes doesn't seem like enough.




Closeness with/Emotional stability with Marge
Complicated and yet, not so - I have to start by remembering:
1) we are not the same person, do not see things the same way
2) NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS, she RARELY wants me to try to solve her problems. Much more "uh huh dear", much less, "let me tell/show you how to fix this" will go a long ways

3) I need to be more proactive in expressing (and developing) my love for her. Don't wait for special occasions to do something kind - do something she would appreciate NOW!
4) I needn't feel threatened or slighted that my business does not feed her. She can help while she can and I can and should help her to pursue her own vision of success. My opinion about what that is doesn't matter.
5) Our lives are passing us by with way too much stress/obligations/frustrations. We don't have to wait to steal fun, happy, silly, sexy, relaxing moments. We can take them, create them and hoard them greedily and poop on anyone or anything that makes us feel bad about it. We've lost or neglected far too many already for a single lifetime. We need to make up for lost time, so start NOW! Easiest way to make up for lost time is to ask her what she wants/needs/desires and DO IT! That will be a good start
6) If I am healthy, I am a better partner. If my needs are met, I'm exercising, I'm praying and balancing my life, I have something to give. Let deadlines pass as needed, let "opportunities" die if needed, take my life back one indulgent, healthy, values-based moment at at time and trust that they are adding up to the change I want!
7) Let Marge know I love her often and appreciate her sacrifices and work and forgiveness.



Feeling approved by God/Feeling the Spirit
1) Repent - including doing the work to actually turn around/turn away. Say sorry sincerely and quickly. Confess as needed. Increase in pro-activity in my spiritual duties as a part of a program of change
2) Study/ponder the truths of God. Time invested here ALWAYS pays dividends. HE will always give me much more than I give Him. But He can't do it all. Time is required to be invested on my part in both my own knowledge/understanding and in serving others. Remember, I almost NEVER regret doing what I'm supposed to, I almost ALWAYS regret "taking a break" from my duties.
3) Pray. Talk to Him often about everything that is meaningful to me, then LISTEN and ACT on promptings.
4) Forgive everyone everything always as QUICKLY as possible. What other options do I have? DONT JUDGE others - with what measure I mete...


Making our home more beautiful or valuable
1. Pick ONE main project with Marge
2. Schedule at least one step in completing that project each week.
3. Know that more than one project may need to be worked on at once, but that is OK, SOMETHING should be able to be chipped away at each week
4. As much as possible, include the kids in the project. Make it a family time and try to find ways they can (at least seemingly) contribute.
5. Have SOME KIND of reward, treat, celebration when it is complete. It is not just about getting stuff done, but about ENJOYING the fruits of our labors! Remember, JOY is the ultimate objective

Prayer
Every morning, before showering, checking emails or anything else, pray.
Every night before going to be, pray, ON KNEES.
Every day, I am responsible to call the family together for prayer.
DONT use family prayers to set an example, to call family member out, to reprimand or talk about things I don't care about. Use it to honestly and vulnerably discuss my concerns, my family's concerns, express sincere gratitude, give updates, etc. It can be long or short, but needs to be directed to GOD, not to the family vicariously.

TIME with family
Let's make this simple - here are some ways I can and should be spending time with the family. Choose ANY of these for a successful moment:
- get a goodie
- Read a chapter to the kids. If I don't have a book we're working through, GET ONE NOW!
- Watch darn near anything that is age appropriate with the kids
- Play a game with any family member(S)
- Grab a kid and run an errand.
- grab a kid or more and go do something nice for someone who would appreciate it
- read scriptures with the fam or whoever is there
- help a kid with homework or a personal project
- have a personal talk with one of the kids
- run an errand with Marge
- watch a movie with Marge
- work outside with anyone
- Ask anyone to tell me about their day/ week / ambitions/ goals / fears / wants / frustrations etc.
- EXERCISE with anyone that is available. Anything from go to the gym, take a walk, do some pushups, work on dance moves, go swimming - anything physical.


Last edited by Semperfi on Wed Sep 06, 2017 7:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2017 12:49 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
I started to add another action plan or two and called Marge in to talk about a fight we had today and try to dissect it and help me make an AP that will prevent such things in the future. I don't know that we accomplished that, but we had a wonderful talk and it took up all our time and now I need to go read to the kids before bed. But that is what I'm supposed to be doing anyway, so I'm not going to be adding to a lesson response tonight, but I do hope to be able to continue to explore with my wife how we can make the rest of our lives much more fulfilling and rewarding and happy. We're so blessed - we have to be able to figure out how to enjoy those blessings rather than just live in a constant state of stress about retaining them or adding to them.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 06, 2017 1:04 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Lesson 10 - complete honesty

Not surprisingly, this is always a hard lesson. My wife knows my patterns for the most part, but I've not told her every time I've used porn and I rarely mention masturbation by name - I just assume she assumes. She doesn't ask much - except almost always, "why didn't you call me?" Or "why didn't you tell me you were struggling?" I'm never sure what to say there. How can I say, "because I preferred porn to you"? Is that something I should say? I don't know.

Anyway, I can and will disclose that my episodes have been more frequent than she knows. That they have morphed from "incidents" to binges that can go on for days, but it will be hard and I'm not going to do it tonight. But she should know - even though I know for a fact she doesn't want to.
I get the value of telling her anyway ( I think ) but it has always been hard for me to feel it is best to force information on her that she does not ask for and does not seem to want. Of course, I don't want to tell her anyway, so it's an easy compromise to make.

As for secret stuff - I have created a couple of social media accounts that were used to search for porn where it's not so easy to find since the hunt is the major component in my addiction. I've deleted them.
Places - in my own room, my own bathroom, in my office or office bathroom, in hotels I've stayed at for business, in my friend's house when I've stayed there, in my car. Wherever I could be alone when the mood strikes for the most part.
Pretty much always on my phone, or less at my office computer.
I don't have anything sexual to do with people, so it's always been porn.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 06, 2017 6:49 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Good talk with Marge today. We have a lot of work to do, but it's good to know where we are. I'm going back to edit and add to my action plans.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2017 1:03 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Just finished lesson 11. Ugh. Nothing to write about it I guess. I've got most of the action plans I wanted to create listed. I can do a few more, but I think I'll wait a bit and put these into practice first.


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 09, 2017 12:11 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Lesson 12 is amazing. I swear, I would love to have known Jon. What an intellect that guy had. So incredibly insightful and I just love his ability to cut through the crap with directness and a sense of humor. What a tragic loss, both that he is gone and that his work is so relatively unknown. The entire world should know this work - addicts and anyone who knows one.

Anyway - yea, I see myself all over the place on this on each of the categories (except #3) and yet, I feel I don't fit in exactly with the though processes described for group 4. I'm really 1, 2 and, right now, 4. But I don't see myself as powerless except that my behavior has proven me to be. I'm not here for any reason except that I hate this behavior - I don't respect it, I don't like what it does to my brain or spirit. I believe in God and know it is repugnant to him. But right now I have a wife who feels so damaged herself that she doesn't seem to be that affected by it and a priest who has dealt with so many parishioners with the same issues that he's throwing his hands up and just saying, "well, keep trying" - so what I have thought in the past are outside forces at least giving me some push, I don't really have as much now and yet I'm here again, because I do want to be healthy. And maybe that is what is different about how I feel now. I'm not here so much out of guilt this time (though I do still feel it), not out of pressure from anyone outside (though my wife and Priest both want me to change) but because I'd really like to be happy. In fact, it is really weird, that some of the changes I've needed to make my entire life I've started making this year for the first time, while my addiction has been raging, undeniably worse than ever. And perhaps now that I've gotten a taste of happiness (I'm not letting my work consume me QUITE as much, I'm starting to actually enjoy my kids, I'm developing a BIT of activity in other areas, I have a friend or two I actually enjoy) I think I like it and want to develop myself so I can be happier more often. Additionally, as my patterns have always been a bit distended, I think I've always in the back of my mind though that if I were truly free to REALLY dig into porn there would be some big payoff. And when I have, there is just nothing there. Now, I'm addicted, but I'm not a complete idiot (yet). And when I dig as deeply as I can for the "perfect" porn and still come away realizing that there is NOTHING there - well, even a fool like me looks around and realizes (not for the first time) that this is no way to live.
On the one hand, I feel bad that the things that (supposedly) matter most to me (God and my wife) have't been enough motivation for me to stick with this. But dabbling in my own happiness is? Not sure if that's true and, let's be real, I've been here (again) for two weeks. Whoopie. So I'm not getting carried away, but, who knows, maybe my more selfish motivation is actually a more powerful one. It only confirms what I've always known - I'm a selfish sucker.
I feel like I'm the "continue to struggle with Relapse guy, but none of the descriptors stick. I'm not forced to be here, I'm never caught (though I always confess, at least eventually), I don't feel like I'm trying to appease anyone, I don't minimize (much), I don't care about appearances much because only two people know about this and neither seem to be affected enough to change how they feel about me, I don't feel I've failed in my life outside of this - this addiction is definitely my biggest failure, I admit I do kind of play the relapse card though I've never used that word before. I've kind of given up promising anything since I've been on a binge every two weeks to two months for quite a while. So...
I don't know. One thing I know I'm not is unique - yet I found that in going to SA meetings that no two guys seemed to experience or understand any of this stuff in the same way, though most exhibited the same behavior. Weird.
Anyway, it doesn't matter much to me where I fit in, I'd just like to understand my own thought process. I don't know that I have any unusual fire for recovery, I just figure I can do one thing, remember one thing, stick with one thing - and if I decide that I'm going to post here every freaking day until I finish this damn workshop, then that I can do. Yes, I am hoping it will "cure" me, but whether it does or doesn't, I can at least be here doing a lesson every damn day for 60 days or so. That I can do. We'll see. But man, that Jon - what a guy.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 10, 2017 12:13 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Lesson 13 -

I see parts of myself in the early recovery guy and more in the middle recovery guy. No much yet in the late recovery guy. Again, if I did't have my own repeated past to contend with, I'd think I was on my way, but this is what I do. I actually make strides, I actually start to truly disassociate myself with the addicted guy. I can't even understand him after a few weeks - then I AM him the next day. I think my efforts and motives are sincere. I think I understand and agree with everything (nearly) being taught. I think about and care about the work I am doing. I get a taste of real freedom and love it - and then I'm right back. So, yes - I see most all of what is described in middle recovery in myself, and still a few early recovery characteristics (like the weaning behavior) but more with middle recovery. I just don't trust my discipline. However, as mechanical as it may be, I am committed to being here every day until I finish, so, if nothing else, I'll cling to that for confidence for now.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 10, 2017 10:58 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Daily Monitoring:

This is the part of RN that I remember being of the most use to me, so I want to establish a list that is effective and not overly extensive. Here goes:

1) Did I engage with each of my kids today in a way that would strengthen their trust in me and build our relationships?
A) If I missed anyone, what will I do tomorrow to connect with that individual?

2) Did I honestly attempt to help my wife in the pursuit of any of her goals?

3) Did I do anything to relax, to de-stress, to reconnect with the Bigger Picture?

4) Did I move our business forward in any meaningful way?

5) Did I communicate meaningfully with God today? Did I remember and feel gratitude for the Savior?

6) Did I make any progress whatever on any non-essential projects? (improving the home, yard, developing a talent, etc)

7) Did I serve anyone today outside of my family? If so, who and how?

8) What eternal truths did I hold before my mind today to remind me of who I am and what is real?

9) How did I treat my body today?
A) exercise?
B) nutrition?
C) sleep?
d) help?

10) What if anything did I do, say or think that was beneath my standards?


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