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PostPosted: Sat Dec 02, 2017 2:20 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Ditto whatever i said last night. Going to bed. I love my family and The Lord. Am so thankful for all He has given me and do e for.me. Iim a wimp and an idoit sure, but that doesnt make Him any less great nor me oblivious to His incredible kindness amd generosity and that of my wife. Im grateful. Jist need to be able to return to some.sense of normalcy. Thos trip then one more and ill be normal for a bit at least.


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 02, 2017 2:22 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Ditto whatever i said last night. Going to bed. I love my family and The Lord. Am so thankful for all He has given me and do e for.me. Iim a wimp and an idoit sure, but that doesnt make Him any less great nor me oblivious to His incredible kindness amd generosity and that of my wife. Im grateful. Jist need to be able to return to some.sense of normalcy. Thos trip then one more and ill be normal for a bit at least.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 05, 2017 1:11 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Geeze, i cant even remember if i posted or not lately. One more day of this insanity. Great last coupe of days. The onr before wasnt so hot. Ill ecplain more and write more if i can ever get to bed before 1 or 2. I have so much work to do here.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 06, 2017 1:01 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Tonight we finished our massive project. I still have some travelling to distant countries coming up, but other than that, no excuses for not getting back to progression one lesso s!


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 07, 2017 12:42 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Geeze im sick of working. Spoke too soon apparently. Still a bit more to go. But i really am wondering how stupid is my exustsnce if I only work and frankly dont know how not to? And dont feel comfortable doing anything else. What (else) is wrong with me? Such life of extremes all the time, im so sick of it. Mr all or nothing l the tijme. The only time I knkw what i really want is when i xan feel the Spirit and that is just as likely to remind me that im a piece of crap. But no matter what i can and do love the Savior and worship, revere and hope in Him. Just dont know what to do to get some balance and discipline i n my life.


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 08, 2017 1:26 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Postiing. At 130 am. Again. Great day, very blessed, looking forward to restoration of normalcy, but stsrting to lose hope in that.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 11, 2017 1:06 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Hey, i was stuck for two nights in airports celebrating snowmageddon, got home late last night. Had a great day catching up with the kids and at church. Ive never wanted to be anywhere so much in my life as home when i was stuck in those airports. So hard to imagine spending my precious time waiting in endless lines to try and repmace my six cancelled flights knowing I only have 3 days home before having to leave on another extended trip. It was sickmaking. Made me appreciate and love my family more.
An p.s. i knew of killed herself the other day. Ive tried as hard as I can to envision her hanging. What she must have felt before sinking so low she would rather strangle herself than go on living. I have tried to envisopn her setting up the noose, climbing a chair, pushing off, perhaps having second thoughts after it was too late. What her face and body must have looked like. I know, trust me, utterly monsterous, abysmal, hideous thoughta and images no one wants in their minds - least of all me. But if i can temember this lovely, sad, lost 23 yr old who was an object of lust, of my lust at times, was a person, a daughter of God, a miserable soul who should have been pitied and helped and nurtured and encouraged rather than used and exploited, maybe Ill never allow myself to fall for this crap again. Because THAT is reality. Utterly undeniable, indisputable, inescapable reality. I can pretend it is not all i want, but i am only ever delaying the inevitable by so doing. How could I ever take part in any way, however tangential, in anything that would drive someone to take their own life in the flower of their youth? How could I ever find any attraction towards an indystry that offers death to all who take part in it? I cannot. I will not.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2017 1:50 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Good day, back at work, prepping another trip, in desperste need for some real time off. I think Im going to take it. I have to. Im burnt out.
Need to return to lessons, but I have so little time, what I have I need to spend with kids. Have to oveecome inertia in lessons now. Find time besides work and home. Should have some on the plane.


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