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PostPosted: Thu Nov 16, 2017 2:19 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Does ditto count as a post? Made it home before midnight at least, otherwise, same story. A bit of a pull today past some work internet searches, but made it out fairly handily. Counting down to returning to normal life, but also increasing pressure as deadline looms and we're not ready. Will monitor emotions and take time to feel gratitude.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 17, 2017 3:30 am 
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Same song. After midnight, just home, trying to get to sleep as fast as i can. Good day otherwise.


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 18, 2017 3:29 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Worked till after midnight again, but only a few more days!
Good day, but a semi-incident. I had ads pop up on my amazon or google for some sexy womens clothing. Some chinese cheap-o site? Anyway, i tried three times to disable them and they kept coming back. Third or fourth time i kneejerk clicked on it to "see what it was" yearight. Anyway, very brief and very stupid. I cant afford any of that kind of crap and i know it. There is no innocent oogling even for a second. Otherwise, good day and happy to see some light at the end of the tunnel.


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 19, 2017 3:36 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Life will start returning to normal next week. And frankly it worries me. I have to stay busy, anxiously engaged in good causes, proactive in making my life what i want it to be. I will do that. Im thankful.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 20, 2017 1:45 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Spent the day in worship, rest and working with my kids. Good day. I will definitely co tinue to struggle with inertia and bnalance though. I am so predisposed to extreme behavior. Extreme work, extreme recovery, extreme emotions. This is a weakness and underdeveloped area of my psych that will require intense scrutiny and attention.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 21, 2017 3:17 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
So tired. Must sleep. Schedulenis taking its toll. Little slips limgering over social media. Dont need this crap. After tomorrow, ill be clawing my way back to a balanced life. If i can Remember what that is.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 6:07 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
As i feared, got the project mostly finished and fell into the void somewhat today. I just dont know how to live a balanced life. For some reason, that us just toi much for me. I want to escape success and happuness more than i want to escape pain and working to exhaustion. Ibviously an element i have to come to understand. Anyway, chased several social media rabbit holes most of thr way to the end. Sucks but true.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2017 4:34 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Shit. Masturbated last night in the middle of the night, pursued porn on sm today. What a crying shame. What a seemingly unbreakable habif. Two days ago, i wouldnt have thought this possible. I cant blame tired or stress or anything, but i have a real, true, deep problem with balance, happiness, success, etc. Not sure what to do about it, nut i have to do something.


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PostPosted: Fri Nov 24, 2017 4:28 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Well shit. I guess its been about 3 months since a complete breakdown. If i was a complete idiot, id find some kind of comfort in that. I dont, so, theres a little silver lining. Yea.
Yea, i dont know. I obviously cant keep approaching this from the same angle and get anywhere different, but i do k ow a few things:
1) its less when im stressed or life is imploding that i reach for the "stability" (read "distraction") of my drug. It is more after a trial, accomplishment or similar that i feel i need that grounding ( literally ) force in my soul.
2) there js no half measures or middle ground. ANY degree of lust allowed is fatal to me
3) no matter how i change, mature, gain faith, lose faith, whatever, this will always be a sick-making poison to me
Id better start getting damn creative.


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2017 3:15 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
I think i didnt post yesterday. Crap crap crap. Im really going to have to try to resurrect some kind of balanced life. This will be tough. I guess actually really thrive on chaos and/emergency. Trying to manage a life thst is not last minute, that is predictable or mundane or not in emergency mode, thats my nemesis.
So what do i do with that? I have no freaking idea. Back to lessons. I have to be out if town for a while and that will suck, but i can do it. I have to.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2017 12:54 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Good day with the kiddies. Great time at church, serving, long talk trying to get our family back into some kind of order. Going back into the fray tomorrow and another week okr two of insanity. We'll see. Going to take some work to get it all put back together. Rebound is always tough too. No excuses though.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2017 2:34 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
Tough to get back into the swing after insane amounts of work then laying around for 4 days. I cant quige remember what a schedule is. I havve to lead my team or they wont either and we'll be playing catchup forever.
But after work, came home, ate with kids, took one to wrestling, worked out (pathetically) with the others, went to watch #2 wrestle, yapped with the kids, read Narnia to them, then watched s tv show we love together. Walked the dog and thought, "whats wrong with this? Why cant I do nofmal? This is nice! I can work just a normal day, let the work die and go home and enjoy my kids and lice. Why not? It doesnt have to be 100 hrs of work in a week then an equally intense compulsive experience to "balance. It can just be normal. I can enjoy on a simpler, more frequent basis. I can drop all the todos and focus on my kids and enjoy them. I can lead them, whether or not they follow, and enjoy that too. I dont have to control my lufe. Indeed I cant. But i can control how i choose to live it and how i prioritize it.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 6:04 am 
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Posting just to say i poseted, but not a good day. Too late to write, ill explain tomorrow.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 30, 2017 1:41 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
I know these little daily check-ins are little more than habit right now and probanly worthless, but until i can get to them befor 130am, its about all i can do right now. Not hat i didnt waste plenty of time traveling today. I guess it jist needs to rise on my priority meter. Desperately needed anyway.


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 30, 2017 10:19 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 12:38 am
Posts: 355
I really planned to spend some time on a lesson tonight, honest. Vut im so damn tired um hallucinating, so it will h
Have to be after ive passed out. Then, im l business.


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