Recovery Nation

Personal Development Forum
It is currently Fri Apr 10, 2020 3:29 pm

All times are UTC - 5 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 35 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3
Author Message
 Post subject: Lesson 34 excersise
PostPosted: Thu Nov 30, 2017 3:21 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 3:27 am
Posts: 35
A. Describe a time in your life when the "Immediate Gratification" principle has come into play:
I was on a date with a woman. She was really beautiful and I wanted to have sex with her. During the date we talked and she told me things about herself that made me realise that having sex with her a few times and then ending it would devastate her. She was in her late 30's and just had one marriage of 20+ years and a long term relationship with a much younger man that ended badly. She was clearly still hurting. I listened and offered comfort and advise but I was more interested in her huge breasts and wondered how they looked, felt and tasted. After the date we went home and I decided that it was better for her sake if we did not continue. Apparently however the date was amazing for her and she wanted to see me again, even though I dropped hints that it was not a good idea. She invited me to her home and I accepted. By this time I had imagined every detail of how her naked body would look. We talked again and again I was convinced we should not be intimate. That it would lead to her connecting to me when I knew I was not there for a connection but just for sex. One thing led to another and the opportunity presented itself. I knew then she would be hurt badly, I knew she would hate me, I knew I would feel guilty and ashamed for using her this way, but at that time I wanted to have sex NOW. So we did. After I had finished, all feelings of the feelings I feared for immediately were there. All I wanted to do was get out of there. I did and told her the next day that I would not pursue a relationship with her via a text message. As expected it devastated her. She sobbed terribly. After starting recovery I sent her a lengthy apology, taking full responsibility, but she never even replied. This experience will be with me forever. A prime example of how devastating not considering future consequences can be.

B. As best as you can, describe the anxiety you feel when you are trying to NOT ACT on a compulsive sexual thought or behaviour:
The anxiety I feel can best be described as a total immersion in the desire to act out. It is impossible for me to sustain any thought about another subject. Every action from the time the urge starts, until it ends is aimed at satisfying the urge. I can only think about the act that needs to be performed. It feels like being in a swimming poo of anxiety. I can actually feel it. It is like a pleasurable and slightly warm tingle that takes place all over my body. I feel a fysicall pressure on my brain. No matter what I do I cannot get away from it. It also makes me extremely restless. When it comes to masturbation, it's easy to handle as I just masturbate and get it over with. With actual sex however it's not that easy as a date takes time to set up. Knowing this makes me even more restless. I start texting someone and if they don't respond or are unwilling to accommodate me I get irritated and text someone else. This can go on for as long as a week in extreme cases, with the described feelings intensifying with every failed attempt. It is always temporary though. When it has run it's course it ends regardless, whether I acted out or not. Proving what I have learned so far that it is an emotion that is temporary and not a permanent state of life. Comparing it to other feelings of anxiety I would have to say it is right there at the top of the spectrum. I can only remember feeling more anxious when my wife left me for the first time and when my daughter caught me watching porn. Only those events caused a more intense mixture as fear, guilt, shame etc. also entered the mix.

C. As best as you can, describe the feeling that you experience while you are engaging in a certain compulsive sexual thought or behaviour:
I feel happy, euphoric, accomplished, exited. When it is a date I feel like a big game hunter who just shot the animal that eluded him for years. A woman about to have sex with me is like a conquered stronghold. An extreme sense of victory is experienced. It is like my wildest dreams have come through. I constantly remind myself to savour every minute. Every inch of her. While doing so I have an extreme sense of pleasure. For me it is the most satisfying experience available. period. It is also the hardest of my compulsions to eliminate.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Lesson 35 excersise
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2017 5:45 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 3:27 am
Posts: 35
A little over 2,5 years ago my cousin, who was a helicopter pilot, went missing over the jungle of Suriname. Rescue efforts failed to locate his helicopter and we have been in the dark about his fate all this time. About a week and a half ago the remains of the helicopter were found. The crew was dead. I needed to deal with this personally and also had to support my family through this. That is the reason for my absence from this forum for the last few days. My resolve to recover is still strong however, so I will continue the workshop again.

Daily monitoring:
One aspect of the consequences of my addiction is shame, expressed in the form of shyness. I feel uncomfortable approaching people and talking to them. When I do, I often don't know what to say. I want to change this and this new assignment seems a good place to start. So for my daily monitoring I will look for opportunities to engage with people every day. Have a short conversation, say a kind word, call up a friend I have not spoken to in a while, that kind of stuff. I will place the reminder on my night stand so I see it when I get up.

For my weekly monitoring I want to actively work on deepening my relationship with my kids. Lately all that has been going on has pushed this to the background and I have been there physically but not emotionally. I want to actively pursue having conversations with them and doing stuff that create a bond.

In the coming seven days I might have some job interviews coming up. I had expected to be employed by now so there is added pressure there. I will be extra careful to make sure this does not have a negative effect. Other than that my week looks easy. No cause for concern.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Lesson 36 excersise
PostPosted: Wed Dec 13, 2017 1:39 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 3:27 am
Posts: 35
I. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.
When we were just married, my ex wife and I did not have a lot of money. She started a business and it failed. I thought we were going to work together to pay for the debt we had. Instead she decided to stay home leaving us with one income even though we did not have any kids. This put huge amounts of pressure and stress on me. When I read this question this was the first thing that came to mind. I know it has nothing to do with sex addiction, even though the stress did not help me much in that regard, but it was a huge intrusion on my boundaries and one I am careful about not repeating when I have a new partner. We take responsibility together for decisions we made together.

II. Describe a situation in your life where having solid boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.
Since starting workshop I set the boundary of only allowing myself to be in a serious relationship from that point on. No more one night stands or casual sex relationships. This boundary will assist me in staying my course when an opportunity for such a relationship comes up.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Lesson 37 excersise
PostPosted: Fri Dec 15, 2017 3:34 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 3:27 am
Posts: 35
Value
I live with integrity, I am the same person internally as well as externally
Rule 1: I will not engage in any behaviour I cannot openly tell my kids about
Rule 2: When in doubt about anything I will choose the option that most ensures my integrity.
Rule 3: When hurt by people, I will tell them and set things straight instead of avoiding them or treating them differently.
Rule 4: When asked if I want to do something I only say yes when I mean yes and not because I want to please someone.
Rule 5: Truth is my most important guide in all things.

Value
I am a christian
Rule 1: I will not compromise my faith to please people.
Rule 2: I will be diligent in the duties I took upon me in church and make them a priority.
Rule 3: I will actively deepen my relationship with Christ through prayer and study at a set time each day and not allow intrusions on that rule.
Rule 4: Any behaviour that negatively impacts free communication with God is off limits to me.
Rule 5: I will end relationships that negatively impact my relationship with God.

Value
I am a good father
Rule 1: The needs of my children take president over those of all other people.
Rule 2: I will not be away from home for more than 2 nights a week excluding weekends.
Rule3: If my kids ask for help I will help them even though that may mean cancelling my plans.
Rule 4: We have dinner as a family at least once a week.
Rule 5: I am present at all school activities, sporting events, recitals etc. I never cancel no matter what.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Lesson 38 excersize
PostPosted: Sun Dec 17, 2017 5:36 am 
Offline

Joined: Sun Oct 08, 2017 3:27 am
Posts: 35
For me the boundaries i wrote down in the previous lesson are solid enough. I am confident they will stand when tested in certain situations. The challenge for me is to allow myself to use them. I can be very impulsive in pressure situations. I feel pressure to make a decision. That pressure is mostly generated internally. I was asked to do something and I don't feel like it. But what will the person say or think of me if I say no? Those kinds of things. I often find myself not using my personal boundaries and weigh these situations against them before making a decision. My challenge is to pause, and weigh my decisions against my boundaries before making them final. This can be in any situation not just regarding sex addiction. I have started practising this already and have noticed that more often than I thought my initial decision changed when I considered my boundaries. When it comes to my kids for instance. I want them to be happy and still feel some guilt towards them because of the divorce. One of my values is being a good father. A boundary to that value is that when they ask for something I consider if granting the request corresponds with good parenting. Often saying no is the right thing to do but emotional me wants to say yes (and in the past I often did). I now use my good dad boundary to say no when it is best and explain to them why. I weigh all their requests, I pause and take time to consider before I answer.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 35 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3

All times are UTC - 5 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 7 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group