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PostPosted: Sat Oct 28, 2017 9:40 am 
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Joined: Wed Oct 18, 2017 10:04 am
Posts: 3
I'm not sure how to even begin. I'm tired. Frustrated. Wondering if it's even possible to change. I've worked with counselors and gone through 12-step programs in the past, spent hours of self-analysis trying to figure out who I am and why I give into the triggers so easily and what causes my compulsive behavior. My life has fallen apart because of my addictions and compulsive behavior and yet I still have the desire for them. I'm alone and feel like that may be the case for the rest of my life because of my behaviors. I question my values, my sexuality, my purpose, my ability to be happy. I feel lost and numb, a shell of a person that can put on a happy face for work or church and say I'm doing fine but inside I'm hollow, isolated and confused. When I do manage to abstain from the porn, masturbation and sex, I indulge in overeating, overspending, or alcohol to medicate my anxiety and the fear of messing up, again. I want to be free of all of it.

In the 12-step programs, you're supposed to write a moral inventory of life events, experiences, emotions, etc and that's always been the hardest step for me. Maybe I'm afraid of what I'll discover about myself when I face head-on those facts or emotions that I've tried to avoid or suppress. I know that my abilities to cope with emotions are weak, I've never fully developed healthy coping mechanisms, and the wide range of emotions life offers are all triggers for me. The good and the bad. I don't know if it's helpful for my recovery for me to share all of my personal experiences here, like the written inventory, or just to answer the questions presented in each topic knowing that eventually everything will be covered and I'll be able to work through it all. I know if other people can face the rollercoaster of emotions in life and live healthy, whole-hearted lives, overcoming addictions and compulsive behaviors, that it's possible for me too. I just need a lot of help.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 29, 2017 1:19 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3880
Location: UK
Hello Sporty

Quote:
I'm not sure how to even begin.

Lesson one is a good place to start
start now and do this for you

Quote:
I'm tired. Frustrated. Wondering if it's even possible to change.

sorry but this sounds like an excuse in the making
you can do this but you really have to want to

Quote:
My life has fallen apart because of my addictions and compulsive behavior and yet I still have the desire for them.


we all start from a similar position but believe me recovery is so much better than the alternative
Quote:
I'm alone


No you are not, this community is supportive to those who put in the effort thus deserving support

so welcome to RN
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination


remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2017 1:09 am 
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Joined: Wed Oct 18, 2017 10:04 am
Posts: 3
You're right. No more excuses. Time to get serious about getting my life in order and taking control of my future. I'll do a little bit each day, hopefully at least three lessons a week. Here I go:

Lesson I
A-1. It's been hard for me to actively commit myself to change even though my addictions and compulsive behaviors have resulted in pain and sadness for myself and my family. My motivation goes in waves but it's time to get serious about changing and I'm recommitting myself to the process.

A-2. Shame is a big trigger for me in giving up and relapsing. I think guilt can sometimes be a good motivator to change, it's an internal sign that something is off, but when it goes ignored it can lead to shame and that's where I've been for a long time. I first started looking at online pornography at 13, masturbation started at 14. I didn't really have access to other forms of pornography but I remember being very curious about the male and female reproductive systems and would often look at medical literature, diagrams and pictures in secret as a child. I knew that looking at women in pornography was disrespectful and degrading so I avoided that but never considered looking at men would be an issue and justified it as simply an anatomy lesson and learning about my own body in a non-embarrassing way. I soon found I could be aroused by pictures of men the same I was with women and started to question my sexuality. In a very conservative Christian home, I was too afraid of the consequences of possibly being homosexual so I kept it all a secret and suppressed everything. This has been a huge burden of shame for me throughout my life, thinking that I was somehow broken or unnatural whereas now I feel that I was just a curious teenage kid full of hormones. I've come to realize that even though I have some form of physical attraction to men and can appreciate a handsome guy when I see one, when I'm able to abstain from pornography, my attraction to females increases and my desire to be with a woman is much more powerful. This is probably a controversial subject and I'm not claiming to be an expert on anything but this is what I feel has been my experience and seems to make sense to me. I'm learning to let go of the things I can't change and accept that I can still be a faithful husband and follower of Christ no matter what characteristics I've been blessed with. I hope that I can do a better job of not letting shame and guilt sabotage my commitment to change and motivation to overcome my addictions.

A-3. It's been two years since I confessed to my ex-wife and my family about my addictions and compulsive behaviors. At first I erroneously thought that now that I could be completely open and honest, I could fix the previous 17 years quickly and be free of my addictions. I've since learned that it can take a long time to rewire your brain and change past addictive habits and I've accepted that it's more about the journey than the destination, that no matter how long it will take it's worth the effort. And the best news is that it's possible. It's going to take work but it's possible and I'm not going to let my addictions beat me.

B. Motivation
1. I want to live an honest and transparent, whole-hearted life.
2. I want to be a man of integrity, the same person whether someone is watching or not, and someone others can trust.
3. I want to be a dad my daughters can be proud of.
4. I want to be a loving and devoted husband and be completely in love.
5. I want to live free of guilt and shame, to be confident before my Maker and fear God more than the world.
6. I want to experience life to the fullest, with all the beauties and opportunities it has to offer.
7. I want to learn discipline and self-control and be the master of my own destiny.
8. I want to be the type of guy others can rely on, a good neighbor and friend to everyone I meet.
9. I want to develop my talents and hone new skills, continue my education and learn something new every day.
10. I want to find joy in the little aspects of life.
11. I want to help others on their path to self-discovery and happiness as well.
12. I want to be free.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 07, 2017 3:39 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3880
Location: UK
Sporty
remember
Quote:
No more excuses. Time to get serious about getting my life in order and taking control of my future. I'll do a little bit each day, hopefully at least three lessons a week. Here I go:


what happened?
dont answer me answer yourself and then evaluate the pros and cons of the decisions that you choose to make
either way good health

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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