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PostPosted: Fri Dec 22, 2017 7:22 pm 
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Posts: 26
Lesson 16 Positive role of addiction in my life
Really helped me escape pain of emotional abuse at home when a child and teenager. Allowed me to manipulate boyfriends and therefore not have to get too intimate and be abused or abandoned. Helped me deal with painful emotions. Fantasy helped me feel better about rejection (though kept me in abusive relationships, including creating abusive relationship wiht myself as am now examining and suffering the consequences of fantasy life). has allowed me to ttravel the world and do all kinds of exciting things.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 24, 2017 7:25 pm 
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Posts: 26
Dec 23
A typical daily monitoring list may look like this:
Did I carry myself as a person worthy of respect today? Yes took G to AA and bought her lunch and chox. Visited D&C with gifts. Tidied up. Wrapped gifts. Called J. called S to comfort her.
Did I engage in any compulsive behaviour today?
Ate chocolate –loads of. Felt a lot of pain and loneliness.
Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual? No. Remembered my values. Felt some pain. Ate chocolate and then engaged in healthful acts Tuned into what I’d like to happen in my life.
If no, did I role-play a past or possible future compulsive ritual to ingrain confidence in my ability to manage these rituals?
no
Did I initiate at least one meaningful conversation with somebody today?
Yes, D &C, G, S, G
If not, how many days has it been since I have?
Was I truthful in everything I shared with others today?
yes
Did I remember to fully invest myself in the moment?
Sometimes
Did I follow through with everything that I said I was going to do today?
Mostly
Did I maintain a conscious awareness of how emotionally connected I was with others (e.g through conversation, shared activity, spontaneous affection or otherwise?)
yes
Did I role-play at least one reactive action plan today?
no
Did I take care of my physical needs today?
Yes mostly. juice, clear out, cleaned house. Watched film. Though fell asleep on couch
How did I apply myself to my business today?
not
How is my home today?
Getting there
How would I describe my overall emotional balance and stability at the moment?
Felt some pain about I and xmas.
Dec 24
A typical daily monitoring list may look like this:
Did I carry myself as a person worthy of respect today? Yes cleared up lots of old papers, wrote business letters so I can come back to clearer plate to get business together. Cleaned the house. Went to yoga. Drank juice. Bought gifts. Attempted to call S and my group. Texted him and my group I’m leading. Visited D
Did I engage in any compulsive behaviour today?
Thought about I a lot – some fantasising. Ate chocolate
Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual? Yes consistently. Remembered my values. Felt some pain. Ate chocolate and then engaged in healthful acts Tuned into what I’d like to happen in my life.
If no, did I role-play a past or possible future compulsive ritual to ingrain confidence in my ability to manage these rituals?
Did I initiate at least one meaningful conversation with somebody today?
yes
If not, how many days has it been since I have?
Was I attentive to others’ needs today?
Yes, D, friends, cats, D, D
Was I truthful in everything I shared with others today?
Hid flea stuff
Did I remember to fully invest myself in the moment?
Sometimes
Did I follow through with everything that I said I was going to do today?
Mostly
Did I maintain a conscious awareness of how emotionally connected I was with others (e.g through conversation, shared activity, spontaneous affection or otherwise?)
sometimes
Did I role-play at least one reactive action plan today?
no
Did I take care of my physical needs today?
Yes mostly. Yoga, juice, clear out, cleaned house. Ate good food as well as junk. Meditated. Bathed.
How did I apply myself to my business today?
Sorted papers, sent thank you emails
How is my home today?
Fabulous!
How would I describe my overall emotional balance and stability at the moment?
Felt some pain about I and xmas. Realised eating well and yoga plus taking care of myself are good actions. Everyone feels pain sometimes. Feel like a person among people. Would really love to meet someone and fall in love feeling like I am a person of value myself


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 24, 2017 7:48 pm 
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Understanding Addiction II

A sexually compulsive ritual I've engaged in - regularly masturbate to porn - generally take myself to bed. log in to porn site and search for videos of my particular favourite flavour and use a vibrator. sensory overload. Orgasm is absolutely end game. usually preceeded by painful or overwhelmingly busy situation or loneliness. searching 'right' video is part of ritual - remembering I need to be careful what pleasure pathways I create as am concerned I'm ingraining this as principal way of having sex and alienating myself further from men. Feel sense of accomplishment after orgasm. Some power involved third party over people in videos. Also poly addicted. often eat soon afterwards as feel hungry and want to hide shame as this is not who or how I want to be sexually.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 28, 2017 8:52 pm 
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Posts: 26
I. Consider one of your own compulsive rituals. Identify circumstances when each of the three filters (time, habituation and intensity) have come into play. Make sure that you understand each filter to the point where you are able to identify them as a ritual is being performed. Post these personal examples in your recovery thread.

tonight - used Porn for first time in a while. all day wanted to masturbate. stuck in traffic - had an uncomfortable 7.5 hour drive. spent time fantasising about I, catching myself at it then others and really wanting to get home adn masturbate. when I did get home I ate lots, watched tv then came to bed really late and 'rewarded' myself.

Time - when I feel discomfort - fear, anxiety, anger, resentment, boredom (all for last few days) and want to dampen feelings. used food a lot and reward was the orgasm. last time I did was Xmas day just before drive to place I didnt really want to go. I did get emotionally attacked a few times there.

Ritual is to go to bed. Plot it. Make excuse for different type of porn or fantasy. Always with aids and stimulants - sometimes with porn. Power over people in videos. habituation - when I use certain type of porn I want a different flavour. Fantasy is always with power either over me or me over them. Past - reenacting poast situations or creating new ones with people I know. Have some fear with porn over upcoming course I'm doing - too excited by it. Unsure whether it will lead me further away or deeper into healing and wellness around sex. Tantra and yoga.


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 18, 2018 9:11 pm 
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Examine your addiction and the role(s) that it has played in your life to date. Look across your life span and identify the progression of the addiction, the sustainment of it, the absence of it and/or the stifling of it. Look at the major transitions that you have experienced (childhood to prepubescent teen; prepubescent teen through teenager; teenager through young adulthood; young adulthood through adulthood; explore also any major traumas that you have endured (parental divorce, sexual abuse, moving to a new school or neighborhood, etc.) and identify the role that addiction (or the rituals that eventually developed into an addiction) played in helping you through that time period.

Your goal is to develop a fluid understanding of just how these patterns progressed from early sparks (harmless fantasy, etc.) to an eventual wildfire (e.g. addiction).

2) Look to future transitions in your life. Divorce. Death of a partner. Death of your parents. Death of a child. Loss of a job. Retirement. Having another child. Empty-nest syndrome. Consider many different situations that you will possibly face in the remaining years of your life. Situations that could potentially cause major instability to an otherwise balanced, fulfilling life. Explore the role(s) that addiction could play in helping you to manage these times. What would it feel like for addiction to come back into your life? Would it be a rapid collapse or a subtle progression? What signs would you look for? What actions would you take?

Progression of my addiction. Earliest memory is of me stealing my sister's bottle of orange juice from the bars of my cot a party raged downstairs. I was lonely and bored. She was asleep and no one was coming to soothe me.The exercise of stealing and drinking did.

hid a lot as a child - sexual abuse memory hazy. I knew I'd hide, sleep and fantasise and play with my doll's house causing chaos adn tidying up again over and over to get some sense of order. my dad caught me once and was genuinely touched and I felt really good. That's an aha moment.

Used to take handful of chocolate bars to the toilet after big family supermarket shop and gorge on them all and hide the wrappers. Was yelled at for eating lots of sweets and not sharing - yet would have my sweets taken from me by my father, whom I didn't trust not to behave like a jerk.

Fantasised regularly a) I was adopted and didn't really belong to my family and would be taken away b) a prince on a white charger would come and rescue me c) I was cleaning my room for a princess who really lived there and I was the cleaner

Fantasised about young pop star in film once I discovered masturbation. Compulsively said roasary so I wouldn't grow any taller than I was so I could 'marry' him

starved myself to manage overeating then came home and gorged. drank to escape shyness/pain - took the blame for lots of thing and acted out and led a group of kids in class at adolescence

Dad got ill and I took up smoking. stole booze at xmas and drank it and vomited a lot after a very hot bath to make me drunker. Drank in class room and at school. drank to deal with difficulties - especially as I knew I would pass an exam and not get A so I drank and destroyed the paper. Had to pay for it and school wouldn't submit it. I still preferred that to getting B rather thank A. I hadn't revised (my father had just died).

drank at parties - dealt with adolescence and lots of teenage angst coupled with illness and death at home - of grandpaernts, great aunt, parentel illness and death - drank to blackout. banned from parties. acted out and was very sexual with the guys in my group

first lover as my father was dying and agreed to have sex only after dad had died (like that would save dad's life Iif I remained a virgin) had lots of guilt around it - catholic upbringing. crappy saturday jobs where I was abused not sexually beaten up by a co worker and another tried to lock me in a stall to take care of the moeny during a bomb scare. paper round with adolescent boys I was terrified and couldn't speak. They were overtly sexual.

spot squeezing after being trained by my mother till my face was bloodied and sore.

compulsive crying - couldn't stop. my father came adn shouted at me and said he'd give me something to cry about. so I forever kept and keep tears in unless I'm hurting so bad. generally don't cry in public. suppressed nervous breakdown. chronic acne and squeezing spots on my face - self harm till they bled. I have scars today and suffered from acne for years. really badly.

obession with boy I got off with who told me I wasn't a virgin. I was at the time. REally sexy evening fuelled by alcohol and danger. (I looks like this man - that obsesion lasted for decades - FB hunted him a few days ago). He wanted me - I did not turn up to our date as I was scared and then would come on to him slightly then run away. till I met my bf. Never let the obsesion go - he was my dreamboy. literally. and started a pattern of fantasising about men, who I would initially attract, be exual wtih - get to the point where they'd ask me out then behave in a way they'd leave and move on. At which point I was HOOKED!!! He is called Andy.

sex in same room as my sister and her boyfriend. sex everywhere. my youngest sister had to have an abortion aged 14. after dad's death we all managed with sex and drugs. maked card games with my brother and boyfriend. bf peed in my mouth - when I was drunk anythng went sexually.

no sex for a while after I left home - then lost weight and went on a spree. drink a major factor. got with second long term boyfriend. moved in wiht him. desperate to be with brother and sleep wiht his pals. split up wiht my bf after bringing guy home when I was drunk and shagging him in a car park then bringing him back home as he couldn't get home. felt guilty so woke my bf home and shagged him.

All the way through that relationship I had side obsessions adn flirtations to help me manage any emotions I didn't want and theat were not dampened by the drug/alochol. After it ended my next Andy came along - looked similar - this guy was a comedian. We did sleep together and he said he didn't want to be wtih me and we ahd the push pull thing going on. He used prostitutes.

splt with him then another sexual/drugs/alcohol spree. moved in on my brother - eventyally his mates and him asked me to leave. lived alone and annoyed neighbours. more sexual spree and got drunker and more in debt and impoverished and not law abiding. gave everything away after seeing a counsellor for drinking and feeling suicidal (wrote the note). she suggeeted I be committed to mental institution. I panicked. gave my stuff away and called my sister for help. she was disgusted and deposited me at my mother's place (2nd alcoholic breakdown) and she and my brother cleared out my flat.

Comedian came to see me at my mothers. drove 200 miles out of his way to do so. As he pulled out of the drive to go away (we had a date no sex) he shouted out of his window "I love you" Never saw him again.

Back to London - drinking sprees and promiscuity. Slept with a woman and the emotions were still as bad. Deeper into debt.

Got sober in 12 step recovery. Several obsessions with men I never got wtih - similar - had a date then it went awry. Or they'd like me and I didn't know how to deal with it. Was very sexual and teasing. didn't not have sex for 2.5 years in when I moved to Hong Kong and met a lawyer. We had sex on the beach one night - it was magic. that turned crazy when we tried to date. I became incredibly insecure and controlling. hard to believe someone might like me. lots of pressure not to date him from others as he was a serial relapser. fell in love withmy flatmate- my best friend's partner. Siimlar looks to Andy - only thin tall and blond with blue eyes. My most painful obsessions look like that. we have crazy relationships - my boyfriends have tended to be dark.

crazy hidden relationship with A. (most of these guys' names start with a vowel :) hiddne from his girflreind. We got together when they split up in what is still one of the all time sexual highlights of my life. Very painful affair. We split and he was sexually obsessed with me and did not want to be with me and told me so. Got with another woman who looked like his girlfriend. Today is older expat with a series of young local g'fs. Once when I returned for a visit we went out and he tried to kiss me and I felt really triumphant I rejected him. at end of our affair I seduced a young man who is still in my life today - albeit on FB and who I slept with once again about 8 years ago.

A few more obsessions with guys - nothing as painful as A. That abated a bit when I got a prpoer job and earned well (spent it all and my attitude took me out of it). Promiscuous slightly. Aching yearning for a boyfriend. got with guy who came to Asia fro UK to use prostitutes. another who was a young drg addict. found out my mother had alzehimers. lost my job acted out by moving to US for a few weeks to do a course and fell in love with W. We had a crazy road trip to Las Vegas. I spent and we had wild sexual ride and I started smoking again.

Back to the UK in debt and despair. broke up with W after a year. Mum got sicker. Fell out with my brother. lost good job. Took one beneath my skill level. Bought a flat and had sex and mild obsessionw ith the broker who was big and blond and blue eyed. difficult time - got together wtih 40 year old virgin who'd been violently sexually abused and spent 7 years in a relationshp with him. Transitioned to job around my skillset and split with S after years of counselling and 12 step. 12 tep helped me get solvent and the flat. One night in HK iwth big blond blue eyed guy - just flirting and dinner and I nkew I had to leave him.

Eventually ahd a one night stand with said blg blond blue eyed guy in HK. All got a bit weird. He told me he wanted a younger woman and was also quite sexually obsessed. He called me when mum died - I told him she had just died - to tell me he tought he had an STD and I should get checked.I was fine and angry with him . He called again when my brother died and I ignored him and was really mad with him.We made it up eventyally. He took me to dinner and cried and apologised. I do the victim thing really well.We are now in touch again - he contacted me adn I think its okay. No romance rquired - compassion would be cool.

2 years of obssesion with big blond blue eyed neighbour O. Younger and with a girflriend, though I didn't know that. At the point where he asked me should he split iwth his girlfriend I said no and I'd leave him. He met his now wife. And still ocasionally messages me though really that one is okay. He did try to rekindle and I loved rejecting him. lso compassion rules.

then my mother died.

I - who is my current can't have blond blue eyed big guy - was there and supportive. 2 months later we got together. I had listened to a girlfriend and we didn't have sex till we wer on a trip together. The first night we just fooled around and it was great. then ignored each other and I discovered from a pal he'd said he wanted a much younger woman. abroad the sex wasn't great and he shortly afterwards told me he didn't see that as a precursor to a relationship and he was in love with someone else. Then my brother died suddenly and I didn't want to have sex with anyone for ages. just spend and travel and work.

10 months later I turned 50 and was in Vegas for work. The most beautiful man I'd seen in my life walked into a party. He was drunk .We had an adventure around the casinos then great sex. He wanted to continue/see me again. We lived in differnt countries so I asked him to leave and didn't give him my number. He tracked me down and I moved into obsesion. Eventually went to see him in his place and we didn't sleep together (he'd travelled to Switzerland to see me and I couldn't bring myself to invite him back to my room despite having spent months obsesing about seeing him) same in teh US when he rejected me eventually and aske d me to leave his place where I was staying. I wrote email suggeting he was mentally unstable. He was furious. I apologised to him a couple of years ago and it was really okay. I still stalk all of these guys sometimes.
myuse of porn as avoidance really escalated over last few years.

All the while I relatinohip still going. I'd intnteded to seduce I in Vegas and hadn't been able to get hold of him. Told him either we got together or didn't sleep together and we did lots of on off talks. We did sleep together lot of times and he asked me to get together with him a couple of times. Then I'd get insecure and controlling and obsessive and he'd run away. We've talked about htis. Did again last year and he asked me to move in with him. Then ran away and announced he had met someone he wants to be with. eems from my stalking to have met someone else. Who konws. This post was prompted by me going to party to nigt and seeing him and realising I actualy do really like him. Have told him a few times I'm in love with him.

Closest to love I've felt I guess. REally love being iwth him and talking to him and his company and sexually we are really compatible. He fits the blond blue eyed thing. And..may have a girlfriend. RE read patterns of healthy unhealthy recovery. Tongiht I did not act out/eat crap or spend and worked the industry room like I needed to do and came out wiht new busines. Am masively in debt again. There was a muicion and he played a love song as I and I were together. We felt it. And did not comment. He played another one later and I caught his eye and there was a moment. I looked away quickly. Terrified of hearing about the new woman. He looks like he is with someone - slim with a great haircut - and who knows. I FB stalked him late last year and have been trying sometimes successfully not to do that now.

So options were to eat, use porn or do this work. I'm glad I am dong this even though it's keeping me awake. I'd be awake anyway and not see the pattern otherwise. I really don't want to use porn. what it does to most of the actors is really horrible and not in line with the values I'm developing.

Future situations: financial success. I have traditinally sabotaged this when it comes my way. I now am in more debt than I ever have been. I also have more equity in my property than I ever had and on balance am more in the black than the red. My business could take off with a mature attitude. I have been really working on developing values in my life - respect for others - reading coaches, taking self development courses and educiating myself to make my business work and being honest with people.

Holidays and pleasure for myself - let them happen. It would even be good to be with a man. Exes (not obsessions ) and I typically did not have great holidays together

Falling in love. Allowing soemone in. I can so see how the minute omeone does approach me and we get close I push them away, though it looks like they are the villain of the piece.

Death of a sibling or close friend. I need to let the tears out and give myself space.

Selling the business - letting go of something I'm giving my everything to

Moving house - haven't done so for 15 years and would like to and move in with others - another transition
Addiciton would come in the following ways - justificaiton - I NEED something now to take care of myself. I NEED a holiday and therefore to spend money I don't have. It's been AGES ince I've had sex - it won't hurt to masturbate to porn just once. I know this guy likes me, I'll be super flirtatious and ask him to help me with something. I got him to talk dirty with me. I've engineered an night or day out. I've got him back to my flat. Oh look were' in bed (or else I've jsut flat told him I want to have sex with hm). I'll be in his face as that's what I want and nto give him space to be himself. Or I won't contact him or I won't dare ask him imprtant quetions like tongiht - so how's it going with the new woman? could be either rapid collapose or subtle - spending woutld be subtle.

actions - values. now have seen the blond ambitoin will remain aware of factors at play. it's a ritual and trigger. Dad was blond and blue eyed - looked big to me for most of my childhood. though Andy was the real trigger. train myself not to stalk. start developing other rewards. really work on my body and fitness and get massages and nails and bubble bath and bring them into my routines. At the moment am in doing EVERYTHING all at once and now not managing so will take my foot off the gas and remember to treat myself like the princess I used to do when I was a kid. the post script to that story is I would get to BE ther princess in the bedroom afterwards for a short time. I need to be her in my life. Princesses don't surf the web for ways to harm themselves (in my new fantasy they don't). read more books less web and liten to audiobooks and music. count the blessings and add my health emotional health as well into it. do something like thi instead of masturbating, fantasising, crying - look at what is going on. sure the debt is pain ful and seeing I after we part is painful. now I am in the space again where I'm in debt and don't ahve to deal wtih being in a relatiionship. dont want someone like me and don't feel good enough for anyone else. let's see what happens with success. I look okay and have decent values. I need to up my game with the home and finances and allow myself to shine and really embrace my inner princess persona. I'm allowed!


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2018 6:31 am 
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A. What large goals have you attempted in your life and failed? Why do you suppose you failed?

B. What large goals have you attempted in your life and succeeded? Why do you suppose you were able to succeed?

C. List one recovery goal that you have and break it down into as many smaller, measurable tasks as necessary for you to manage it successfully. If you find this difficult, then you are probably starting off with too general of a recovery goal. Make it specific.

a. learning to fly and keeping my licence - eventually got it though once with cheating. fear I wasn't good enough - addictive fear and emotion rather than study and practice and mastering parts most difficult to me
b. becoming wealthy - got as far a paying off large debts and having enough and well paying job three times then relapsed with spending. not being mindful of regular practice and habit of recording financial transactions. immature and selfish attitude towards others, retreat into addictive thoughts, feelings and behaviours. acceptance of my powerlessness and atributing everything to disease. resentment and lack of trust in debtors anonymous after being in abusive relationships moving into my default victim mode (which is addictive behaviour). not listening to and respecting others. unwillingness to commit to the label 'debtor' as it is so negative then fear that there is something inherently wrong wtih me.
c. moving in with boyfriend - adherence to the myth that I am afraid of intimacy and so traumatised as a child that I can't do relationships. that I am an addict rather than behave addictively to manage painful emotions. reinforced by DECADES of proving myself right - and counsel from others who are in programs - no one is wrong here . Being with men I decided needed 'fixing' to take the spotlight off my own acting out and therefore pushing them away when they attempted closeness and blaming them. regressing into victim role rather than learning from them
d. large sporting events - not training - moving into victim as I didn't want to do the work
e. 3 businesses - behaving addictively rather than deal with hard work - one of them involved very public immediate gratificaiton or rejection. The rejection became too painful and really fed into the victim

Achieved
Setting up businesses I'm very good at engaging people and enrolling them onto projects initially - which I will carry forward. Loved the businesses and was really engaged in them
Attaining a flying licence - when eventually just focused and was coachable and listened to my instructor and felt the fear and did it anyway thoroughly loved some of the achievements of that. Of course included adrenline
Running a marathon, 5 triathlons and several half marathons, 2 mile open water swim and regular yoga practise. Love the feeling of being healthy - having group of motivated friends in healthy sporting relationships - none of us take it too seriously and camaraderie is as valuable as the event
Managing my brother's sudden death with grace. Love for him and my family. And gratitude for the fact I was sober and able to do it
Creating an international career around something I loved. Willingness to participate in teams and work hard and love for learning
Buying and maintaining my home - strong vested interest in my own future overrides saboteur
Attracting investment into current business and growing it - continuous self development and self development work that acknowledges and values the role 12 step has played in my life, while seeking further avenues of growth

Have 2 equally important goals to work in tandem with each other

Recovery goal -
Move in with loving partner by end of 2018
Jan - March continue to work on self development and growth and respecting, valuing, admiring and cherishing others. Fall in love with everyone. Like really - love human beings for being human beings. Love being exactly who I am today and be willing to share that with another. That is always a given
Feb - Decide the community of men where I'll seek and make myself available. Start dating in that community. Continually assess and refine. Only date men who have an interest in sharing their lives with a woman and who are not seeking someone younger than I am.
Mar - start looking for somewhere new to live where I'll rent out rooms
June - Move home and rent out rooms so I learn how to share and be a great housemate (have lived alone for 20 years)
July - Dec - truly this one is a challenging recovery goal given my default behaviour patterns and thoughts from the past. However...if I need to refine and change the dates we'll be moving in together I will do. This one is not quite so easy to measure. It's not vague and does need structure. It is dependent on another human being wanting to be part of it.

move from 29k personal debt to 29k savings by end of 2019, using my business and coached investments to do so.
Jan - clean up my personal banking and eliminate excess spending. Continue to scrutinise spending ongoing
Feb - put structure in place to ensure I am earning at least 4k personally from my business after tax. Start snowballing debts. Start investing
May - Ensure I am earning at least 5k per month - even if adding extra work. Pay down 2k per month until Dec
Jan 2019 - Ensure I am earning at least 7k per month - Pay down 3k until May
May 2019 - Ensure I am earning at least 7k per month. Save 4k per month until December


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 23, 2018 4:43 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Location: UK
Hi C
Quote:
tonight - used Porn for first time in a while. all day wanted to masturbate. stuck in traffic - had an uncomfortable 7.5 hour drive. spent time fantasising about I, catching myself at it then others and really wanting to get home adn masturbate. when I did get home I ate lots, watched tv then came to bed really late and 'rewarded' myself.


and how did that "reward" help
how did it affect you at the time and now
reflect and understand yourself your life your values

you did not need to you chose to act out
your choice
good luck in your continued journey

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2018 12:53 am 
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Posts: 26
totally choosing to act out - really sabotaged myself yesterday. prepped for an expensive networking trip to finalise some business. masturbated before leaving the house. missed a train by 1 minute and then the station was evacuated with a fire /bomb scare. luckily got back in. arrived at the destination after long day travel and lounged around hotel too long. arrived at party really late, missed the contacts I was supposed to see. really find it hard being single older female in party full of men. very few women there. Asked was I an older colleague then another man leaned across me to a younger more attractive woman and said he couldn't resist coming over when there was a beautiful blond in the room. There were plenty of nice men there to talk to - felt a lot 'less than' the other women, who were mainly bankers and lawyers and came along in pairs or trios. Or were part of the hosts' company. did not eat as have been on strict eating plan. gathered I am not being hired for the job I came to finalise. got back to hotel feeling super lonely. woke up at 4am, looked at picture taken of me two nights ago at another function and felt despair. have lots of debt and look old. Feel sooo lonely. opened fridge and devoured a bar of chocolate. I didn't need to - choses to act out. The hit off the chocolate is taking the edge off the pain.

what happened? - I find this particular event really daunting and feel unworthy - too old, too poor. There are men there that I like and I had some fun/connected conversations with them. Spoke with 2 women all evening, one of whom was one of the people I came to see, and gave me the news they are looking to hire locally in the country of the job I came to finalie.

Feel like my fantasy has created a scarce and lonely life and suicidal thoughts creeping in. Tired and lonely and was hungry.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2018 8:40 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3880
Location: UK
Hello

Quote:
and suicidal thoughts creeping in.

if this statement is true or it continues then please please seek immediately professional help

what you should be thinking and acting upon is reflecting your name

Quote:
Committed to my happiness


be happy discover a new happy satisfied you
be well

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Jan 28, 2018 7:58 am 
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Joined: Sun Oct 29, 2017 1:05 pm
Posts: 26
Thank you. I have lived with suicidal thoughts for many years, and they really need to go. They are my default thought pattern and as much of a compulsive part of the rituals as the rest of the patterns. I've never acted on them - they contribute to the element of danger. You are right - I need to remember the name I have chosen and that they really have to go. With this work, and other work I am doing on gratitude and education, they are becoming a thing of the past as I catch myself. Being in a forum like this I feel safe to share and also see I'm not alone with destructive thought and behaviour patterns.

Today I am focusing on gratitude as I do this work and appreciating what I have already. I will do what I can in the time available during the day and be pleased with what I achieve. I just started doing the measurements on compulsive spending behaviour I had and was fascinated to see how stimulated I am by them. Of course debt and keeping myself out of love relationships reinforces isolation. This forum is about recovery from sex and love addiction, so will share on that.

Simple ritual I have engaged in. Regularly masturbate before important event, thus making myself late and distracting myself from my fears around attending
Thursday - woke up early enough to catch flight in good time. Did some work and 5 mins before I was due to get up and showered and out chose to masturbate to orgasm

Physical sensory stimulation - 3, remaining in warm bed, sensual pleasure
Danger - 3 - I will be late, creates high tension, especially with flight
Accomplishment - orgasm - 3 - intensity of pleasure
Fantasy - recreating past experiences - 2
Moral conflict - 3 - impact on others/self of the lateness

Filters TIH
Physical - T = the quicker I come the more accomplishment I feel if I am racing the clock - 8, I = 9 - realise this is not best use of time available to me H = 3 - can fluctuate with frequency of habit
Danger - T = 10, the less time I have the better, I = 10 see previous H = 1 -very familiar pattern
Accomplishment - T - no real impact = 1, I = 10, H = 4 - fluctuates = see previous
Fantasy = T = 3, old stale fantasies since doing this work and intending to eliminate porn = I = 5, scratching to find fantasy, h = 1 as they are really dated ones
Moral conflict = T = 10 depending on how much time I have = I = 10, very stimulated by guilt and shame = H = 1 very familiar pattern

P = 24+27+9 =60/5 = 12
D = 30+30+3 = 63/5 = 12.6
A = 3+30+12 = 55/5 = 11
F= 6+10+3 = 19/5 = 3.8
M = 30+30+3 = 12.6


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 30, 2018 8:26 pm 
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Joined: Sun Oct 29, 2017 1:05 pm
Posts: 26
Practical uses of measuring compulsive behaviour

1) Anticipated seeing Ian today - danger excitement - 9 x 3 (t) + 3 (i) + h (3) 81
2) Been in suffering fantasy, a he's not really in love and moved in with a new woman and has taken on her kids (he has) b) he will leave her and return to me c) I'm not good enough reliving old anxiety - danger - 10x 3 (t) + 3 (i) + h (3) 90
3) accomplishment saw him after avoiding him and being conscious he was around - saw he'd acknowledged me online - 5 - relief x 2 (t) + 2 (i) + h (2) 30
4) excited to speak with him and pretend not to be suppressing my feelings - 8 x 3 (t) + 3 (i) + h (3) 72
5) he left the conversation and therefore attention on me - aware of his presence. anxious and excited - dropping things - 8 (t) + 3 (i) + h (3) 72
6) I left and focused on other things - moved to safety 4 (t) + 1 (i) + h (1) 12
7) he left, made comment that I was controlling, I reacted 10x 3 (t) + 3 (i) + h (3) 90
8) accomplishment I relapsed with my food and got distracted 1 x 3 (t) + 1 (i) + h (1) 5
9) relapsed into fantasy and storytelling and anguish and suffering 8 (t) + 3 (i) + h (3) 72
10) spoke with other women and focused on what I could do instead - got into fantasy about type of man I'd like and moving out of my flat 8 x 3 (t) + 3 (i) + h (3) 72
11) spent time with my friend relapsing into eating food I have committed to avoiding and spending money out of the business non mindfully - accomplishment/acting out 8 x 3 (t) + 3 (i) + h (3) 72

Ritual is fantasy around Ian - now anticipating seeing him on Thursday. Engineering seeing him then. I did engineer seeing him at a party last week. Really relights the fantasy and storytelling around him.

What can I do instead? Stop ritual of thinking about him/talking about him. Focus on building my business and commiting to fulfilling on the healthy agreements I have made with myself and acknowledging they are big strides forward in my life and I can play a bigger game. That it is possible to enter into a healthy and loving relationship with myself by trusting myself and taking actions consistent with trusting myself. Seeing where fantasy plays out iwht intensity, time and habit and how it distracts me from a higher purpose and maximiing enjoyment out of life with deferred enjoyment. It would be helpful for me not to think about him. Or to own that what I am doing is fantasy when I think about him and just keep reminding myself that is what is happening here and not helpful to a kinder way of being wiht myself. Also the timeline of a healthy recovery helped. now to look for strategies to manage a healthy way of being


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 31, 2018 10:24 am 
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Joined: Sun Oct 29, 2017 1:05 pm
Posts: 26
wheel of compulsion - Danger, fear, loneliness, anticipation, fantasy, indulgence, shame, accomplishment, power

Inappropriate time to masturbate - Thursday
Fear, danger of being late usually to escape event I feel fearful about attending. desire to hide constantly
Past/memory
Anticipation of orgasm and fantasy - arousal
Conflict - drama - wanting not to indulge
Danger - intensity of pressure of not much time
Accomplishment - orgasm
Hiding - clean up after myself. clean up laptop files etc
Shame - suffering, beat myself up emotionally. diminish intensity

Using porn - just after Christmas
Relief - long and stressful car journey. Danger as I was tired and could not see road at some points. Fear. loneliness - wanted physical attention
Fear, distress at impact of the film on actors in it
Fantasy - wanting escapsim at every level. Intense with time and anticipation
Conflict - drama - wanting not to indulge
Danger 0 what is this doing to my computer - will I get a virus
Anticipation of orgasm and fantasy - arousal
Accomplishment - orgasm
Hiding - clean up after myself. clean up laptop files etc
Shame - suffering, beat myself up emotionally. diminish intensity

Using romantic fantasy/recreating memories and trying to change the ending - today, yesterday, daily basis
Fear of reality of current situation
Distress at impact of my past behaviours on my life - especially as I really do love this guy and I've lost him/never had him/refused to accept his rejection
Fantasy - wanting escapsim at every level. Intense with time and anticipation
Conflict - drama - wanting not to indulge
Danger what is this doing to my life - have I wrecked it? Am I wrecking my future not attending to detail
Isolation
Anticipation of romantic fantasy - being person I know I'd like to be. The perfect relationship
Evoking past memories - only the good times. Beating myself up with the bad times
Accomplishment - have beaten myself up for creating feelings. Deciion to stay away from real men and concentrate on fantasy and memory
Hiding no one must see the real me
Shame - suffering, beat myself up emotionally. diminish intensity

Seduction - attempted via email
Very sexual emails to Ian
Fear of him leaving me, accompanied by increasingly demanding phone calls adn being unworthy. Awareness I am alone and feeling I'll be rejected
Elation at the attention I received
Distress at impact of my behaviour as he withdrw
Shame about my age and finances and who I am
Elation at attention
Fantasy - wanting escapsim at every level. Intense with time and anticipation
Conflict - drama - wanting not to indulge
Danger what is this doing? Have I trashed the relationship
Anticipation of orgasm and fantasy - arousal
Accomplishment - got him to return call
Power - thoughts of reject him
Hiding - stalk him online and know what he's up to
Shame - suffering, beat myself up emotionally. diminish intensity

Seduction - Ian
anticipation Came round to my place last July and we looked at homes together
power Had the most amazing sex - felt totally powerful
power /fear rEally focused on sex and how our home would be and we'd be sharing a room. used sex as the main ingredient of why it would be good together
danger Did not speak to ihm or continue conversation for weeks.
fantasy of how it would be
shame/hiding/rejection
I am now lost in what happened as it's all so long ago and he is now moved in with someone else. he continued to search for a woman
suffering. have not stopped beating myself up about this since. time to let go. fear I went crazy

Sexual on Thursday
1) first thought was I felt fearful about going to the event alone. unworthy, exposed as a female and frightened of the men there -a) that I'd be rejected b) that I'd be dismissed and perceived as old and desperate and unworthy of love c) that I'd be perceived as predatory d) that people would realise I am financially poor and they are rich e) that I do feel afraid among all those men - vulnerable, emotionally and sexually
2) considering masturbation gave me anticipation and suspense as it also had the element of danger - I'd miss an important and expensive flight - very high response and stimulation - habitual - time intensified it
3) conflict - I knew it was not the most helpful idea for what I needed to do - lowered response
4) power - I overcame my own objections and subjugated myself - heightened response
5) fantasy - old memory of power over impoverished masseur in Kazhakstan who could not travel. Beautiful younger man. His power over me. My power over him as I did not give him full permission (getting aroused now)
6) Past - evoking memoriy intensified ritual. it is habitual
7) orgasm - accomplishment did not use porn, relief of sexual tension. emotions heightened then rapidly crashing as I almost missed the flight


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 31, 2018 10:57 am 
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Joined: Sun Oct 29, 2017 1:05 pm
Posts: 26
compulsive ritual - fantasy

#1 Any situation I want to avoid
#2 Start thinking about last time I saw Ian/will see Ian (or man of moment)
#3 Remember what happened and go over it
#4 Fantasise about imaginary future where all is perfect between us and we end up in bed
#5 Remember loveliest memories
#6 Remember worst memories
#7 Drift into hours of fantasy about how it should be
#8 STalk him on the internet
#9 Repeat 5 and 6
#10 REalise hours have gone by. hunt on internet for 'cure'
#11 Feel guilty about life neglect and shame
#17 Stopped the behavior


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 01, 2018 9:23 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3880
Location: UK
Hi C
Quote:
I didn't need to - choses to act out.

what happened?


yes you made the choice and what happened is that you gave yourself an excuse, something that addicts do very well and all too often
We make bad choices and then deny or justify/minimise our actions

believe in yourself, believe in recovery, like and love yourself and be faithful to your name

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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