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PostPosted: Sun Jun 03, 2018 11:26 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:20 am
Posts: 110
My Daily Monitoring List ( 06/03/2018 )

  1. Did I take note of compliments I received today and accept them with gratitude?
    • Yes
  2. Did I actively disclose any compulsive behavior today?
    • Yes
    • If no, are you aware that this should have been done and consider when you will do it.
    • If yes, did you lie by omission or minimizing?
      • No
  3. Did I initiate some kind of loving affection towards my wife today?
    • Yes
  4. Did I actively engage with my recovery lessons?
    • Yes
  5. Did I engage as a partner around the house (chores, help cook, look for things to take care of in general)?
    • Yes
  6. Did I take my wife’s safety into account and actively engage in protecting it (both from me and our surroundings)?
    • n/a. Nothing came up.
  7. Did I view my wife as a person of value and not a sex object?
    • Yes
  8. Was I nice to my wife today?
    • Yes
  9. Did I contemplate my spirituality today?
    • Yes
  10. Did I engage as a householder today?
    • Yes
  11. Did I make choices about my health that were positive today?
    • Yes


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PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2018 9:39 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:20 am
Posts: 110
Recovery Nation - Identifying Your Compulsive Elements

Recovery Nation - Identifying Your Compulsive Elements

Recovery Workshop: Lesson Twenty-Four

Identifying Your Compulsive Elements

Lesson 24 Exercise:

Quote:
I. Create your own Wheel of Sexual Compulsion that is more closely related to your behavior. This can be done by simply listing the cumulative elements involved in your compulsive behavior. This shouldn't take you more than five minutes. List these elements (associated with no particular ritual — but more your addiction in general) in your recovery thread.

  • Fantasy
  • Sensory
  • Orgasm
  • Suspense
  • Accomplishment
Quote:
II. Choose a real-life example of EVERY major sexual ritual that you engage in (these should be compulsive rituals, not healthy) and break each down into their smallest elements (based on the elements identified in your wheel of sexual compulsion).

Most people will identify two to four such Major Rituals. If you can identify with more than five such rituals, just list the most common five.

To be successful in your transition to health, you will need to master your ability to identify not only these elements, but also to recognize the role that they play in stimulating you. Don't settle for anything less than mastery here.


  • Masturbation to internet porn
    • Waiting for wife to leave area
    • Open private browsing tab
    • Go to site that I had in mind (or begin searching for topic on my mind)
    • Look at a few images
    • Begin masturbating
    • Keep surfing for images
    • Find just the right one image(s) or video
    • Orgasm (always accidental if done)
    • Clean up and feel shame and guilt while doing so
  • Voyeuring
    • This really only was a thing for a while while the neighbor was somewhat of an exhibitionist
    • Notice that neighbor is home and light is on
    • Go upstairs if alone in the house
    • Close blinds and then raise one corner and peak through
    • Mild masturbation during this
    • Neighbor goes away or turns lights out (or I feel enough shame to stop)
    • I sit overwhelmed with guilt and shame
  • Targeting and scanning (in public and people that I know)
    • Be out in public or in a setting with folks that I know
    • Notice one of them in a sexy way (usually because of short skirt, cleavage, or tights, the last being the biggest trigger by far)
    • Begin to obsess over getting a better angle to watch them
    • Be singularly focused on this and be waiting for a possible glimpse up their skirt or down their shirt
    • If possible during this time, take out phone camera and secretly take photos (very rare)
    • Look at the photos later
    • Masturbation (maybe -- usually feel so guilty and ashamed by the time I get to this stage I delete them instead)
    • I've never orgasmed this way


Last edited by alongtheriver on Tue Jun 05, 2018 9:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2018 11:00 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:20 am
Posts: 110
Recovery Nation - Identifying Compulsive Rituals

Recovery Nation - Identifying Compulsive Rituals

Recovery Workshop: Lesson Twenty-Five

Identifying Compulsive Rituals

Quote:
I. Develop your own compulsive ritual. Make this relatively simple. List the primary elements in a similar fashion as exampled above in Compulsive Ritual: Exhibitionism. Post this ritual and its elements in your recovery thread.

I was thinking I was doing this for the last lesson, so I’m just taking one from there. The one that is most upsetting to me as I want to keep my attention on it and really understand it.

  • Targeting and scanning (in public and people that I know)
    • Be out in public or in a setting with folks that I know
    • Notice one of them in a sexy way (usually because of short skirt, cleavage, or tights, the last being the biggest trigger by far)
    • Begin to obsess over getting a better angle to watch them
    • Be singularly focused on this and be waiting for a possible glimpse up their skirt or down their shirt
    • If possible during this time, take out phone camera and secretly take photos (very rare)
    • Look at the photos later
    • Masturbation (maybe -- usually feel so guilty and ashamed by the time I get to this stage I delete them instead)
    • I've never orgasmed this way


Last edited by alongtheriver on Tue Jun 05, 2018 9:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 04, 2018 11:18 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:20 am
Posts: 110
My Daily Monitoring List ( 06/04/2018 )

  1. Did I take note of compliments I received today and accept them with gratitude?
    • No
  2. Did I actively disclose any compulsive behavior today?
    • Yes
    • If no, are you aware that this should have been done and consider when you will do it.
    • If yes, did you lie by omission or minimizing?
      • No
  3. Did I initiate some kind of loving affection towards my wife today?
    • Maybe a little
  4. Did I actively engage with my recovery lessons?
    • Yes
  5. Did I engage as a partner around the house (chores, help cook, look for things to take care of in general)?
    • Yes
  6. Did I take my wife’s safety into account and actively engage in protecting it (both from me and our surroundings)?
    • n/a. Nothing came up.
  7. Did I view my wife as a person of value and not a sex object?
    • Yes
  8. Was I nice to my wife today?
    • Yes
  9. Did I contemplate my spirituality today?
    • No
  10. Did I engage as a householder today?
    • Yes
  11. Did I make choices about my health that were positive today?
    • Yes


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2018 10:06 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:20 am
Posts: 110
Recovery Nation - Mapping Compulsive Rituals

Recovery Nation - Mapping Compulsive Rituals

Recovery Workshop: Lesson Twenty-Six

Mapping Compulsive Rituals

Lesson 26 Exercise:

Quote:
In the previous exercise, you were asked to label the elements involved with a particular ritual. In this exercise, you will be delving deeper into your awareness of that ritual. Here, you are asked to 'map out' one of your rituals. Make sure that you choose a specific ritual that you have engaged in (as in, last Thursday before work, I looked at porn); rather than a general compulsive behavior (as in, in the past, I looked at porn).

The main difference between what you did in the previous exercise and this is that you are no longer listing the elements of the ritual. Instead, you are listing the behavior associated with that element. For example, in the past exercise, it was sufficient to label a voyeuristic ritual with the element 'sensory stimulation — visual'. No longer. From this point forward, all rituals should be identified in terms of the specific thoughts/behaviors associated with the elements. And so, today, your 'element' will read something like this: "I would focus my eyes on her and inconspicuously follow her around the store."

Post this more advanced ritual in your recovery thread.

  • Targeting and scanning (in public and people that I know)
    • Be out at a restaurant with family
    • Maybe over socialized. It is likely, but I don’t remember the exact feeling before this happens. I wish I did now have a better recollection of that. It was likely overstimulation from social activity.
    • Notice waitress (well, everyone notices her) dressed in very right dress
    • Have hard time keeping my eyes off her
    • Try and fail to just focus on folks at the table
    • When home, look up name of restaurant on Facebook and Instagram to see if I could find images of her
    • Fail, but end up looking at images of other random women online because I’m already in a bad place
    • Finally stop and feel ashamed and guilty for both doing this in person at the restaurant and also for stalking behavior at home
    • If doing this in private browsing mode, just close browser. If not, clean up history, etc. Also delete search history on social media sites.
    • Feel ashamed and guilty again.


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2018 10:07 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:20 am
Posts: 110
Recovery Nation - Identifying Compulsive Chains

Recovery Nation - Identifying Compulsive Chains

Recovery Workshop: Lesson Twenty-Seven

Identifying Compulsive Chains

Lesson 27 Exercise:

Quote:
Provide an example of two compulsive chains in your life. The first chain should be where multiple rituals are engaged in simultaneously — thus enhancing the overall amount of stimulation derived from the behavior. The second should be an example of how you have strung together several rituals back-to-back and thus, extended the stimulation you were deriving. Post these examples in your recovery thread.

  • Chain 1 (multiple rituals are engaged in simultaneously)
    • Looking at porn at the same time as masturbation
  • Chain 2 (several rituals back-to-back)
    • Engaging in scanning / targeting followed by masturbation to porn


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PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2018 11:11 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:20 am
Posts: 110
My Daily Monitoring List ( 06/05/2018 )

  1. Did I take note of compliments I received today and accept them with gratitude?
    • Sort of. I noted them, but had a hard time accepting them.
  2. Did I actively disclose any compulsive behavior today?
    • Yes
    • If no, are you aware that this should have been done and consider when you will do it.
    • If yes, did you lie by omission or minimizing?
      • No
  3. Did I initiate some kind of loving affection towards my wife today?
    • Yes
  4. Did I actively engage with my recovery lessons?
    • Yes
  5. Did I engage as a partner around the house (chores, help cook, look for things to take care of in general)?
    • No
  6. Did I take my wife’s safety into account and actively engage in protecting it (both from me and our surroundings)?
    • N/A - did to come up
  7. Did I view my wife as a person of value and not a sex object?
    • Yes
  8. Was I nice to my wife today?
    • I think so. Not super confident in this today though.
  9. Did I contemplate my spirituality today?
    • No
  10. Did I engage as a householder today?
    • A small amount
  11. Did I make choices about my health that were positive today?
    • Yes


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2018 9:23 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:20 am
Posts: 110
Recovery Nation - Developing Compulsive Chains

Recovery Nation - Developing Compulsive Chains

Recovery Workshop: Lesson Twenty-Eight

Developing Compulsive Chains

Lesson 28 Exercise:

Quote:
  1. Develop a compulsive chain of your most recent acting out behavior.

  • Most recent compulsive chain that I acted on:
    • Watched a movie where there was an image of a woman that I liked the look of
    • I went to the internet to look up pictures of this actress
    • This then spiraled out into greater and greater intensity of sites
    • First was Reddit to view their celebs section
    • Then to more intense places on Reddit
    • Then to sites about tights
    • At this point I began a form of masturbation where I touched myself through my pants
    • Finally to a video site where I found just the right video involving tights
    • At this point shame overwhelmed me and I stopped
Quote:
  1. Upon completion of this chain, review it to ensure that you can recognize the way that each element affected your emotional state.

  • Most recent compulsive chain that I acted on:
    • Watched a movie where there was an image of a woman that I liked the look of
      • Felt excitement
    • I went to the internet to look up pictures of this actress
      • Felt guilt and excitement
    • This then spiraled out into greater and greater intensity of sites
      • Similar guilt and excitement at each escalation
    • First was Reddit to view their celebs section
      • Similar guilt and excitement at each escalation
    • Then to more intense places on Reddit
      • Similar guilt and excitement at each escalation
    • Then to sites about tights
      • Similar guilt and excitement at each escalation
    • At this point I began a form of masturbation where I touched myself through my pants
      • Similar guilt and excitement at each escalation
    • Finally to a video site where I found just the right video involving tights
      • Sense of accomplishment and guilt
    • At this point shame overwhelmed me and I stopped
      • Sense of shame and guilt
Quote:
  1. Thinking as an addict, look for areas within this chain where you could add additional destructive elements that would have (most likely) increased the overall stimulation of the event. The actual events that you add should be realistic, and related to the chain itself. For instance, someone viewing porn might add the element of setting up a Power Point slide show of the images. Someone engaging in escort services might add the element of videotaping the encounters. Share these in your recovery thread.

  • I easily could have added full masturbation and orgasm.
  • I could have went to hardcore porn (everything I looked at was softcore).


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2018 10:05 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:20 am
Posts: 110
Recovery Nation - The Role of Emotions

Recovery Nation - The Role of Emotions

Recovery Workshop: Lesson Twenty-Nine

Lesson 29 Exercise:

Quote:
The role of emotions in motivating behavior is a critical aspect of understanding addiction. Without emotions, addiction does not exists. Without that intense need, that desire, that craving...addiction does not exist. To better understand this principle, you are going to be asked to do something that will require a significant emotional effort on your part.

A. Find a place where you will be alone and safe. Ensure that, for the next fifteen minutes, you won't be interrupted for any reason. Fifteen minutes (or longer, but not less than). Then close your eyes and just feel. Think of things that are important to you. Think of your values. Think of your regrets. Think of trauma that you have experienced. Think of wonderful moments. Let yourself experience whatever emotions that come freely. Focus on each of the emotions, and DO NOT OPEN YOUR EYES! (this is an important part of the exercise). Stay in touch with the feelings. Experience the emotions that come with these thoughts. Forget about your physical self...focus only on the emotions that you are experiencing.

Now, consider one of your milder compulsive behaviors. Try to get in touch with the feelings that are generated with this behavior. If you find yourself getting triggered to act, forbid yourself. Then focus on the anxiety that is produced with that decision. Really allow yourself to get in touch with the stress that is building. Consider the reality that, either during this exercise or soon thereafter, you will face the challenge of deciding whether or not you should act on these feelings. Begin to feel the consequences of both your decision to masturbate, and your decision to remain committed to recovery.

After you have done this for fifteen minutes (or longer), and before you engage in any compulsive behavior, open your eyes and complete the following:

A. Describe the emotions that you experienced and the thoughts that triggered them.

When bringing on the behavior I felt a strong wave of relief as the excitement washed away all other emotions. The excitement had a tinge of anxiety with it though. When I forbid myself I felt that excitement come crashing down and with it returned the anxiety, but also depression and sadness. Sadness at a loss of all that excitement and depression was just what was left over after it was gone. However, with all that settled came a sense of relief and calm.

Update: After about 15 more minutes went by after the exercise, I started to experience irritation, anger, and anxiety. Every little thing started to annoy me and I was impatient. This is exactly how I feel after a relapse, no matter how small. Generally speaking the only resolution for this is disclosure. It is fascinating and also irritating that even just a visualization exercise brought on those same feelings and response.

Update after the remainder of the day: I felt so off for the entire rest of the day. My irritation turned into depressiveness and on edge behavior the entire rest of the day. I found myself barely able to function. Mostly I found that if anything happened where I was just totally perfect, I was destroyed by negative emotions (self hate, depression, anger). It was a rough ride and I really do feel like it all came back to that visualization. It is like I got to ride out the full emotions of a relapse that was cut short. I really did not anticipate this hitting me so hard.

Quote:
B. In assessing your own anxiety, describe the extremes of your personal experiences with anxiety. What has been the least anxious state you have experienced and the most extreme anxious state you have experienced?

Oh, hard to say because I experience so much personal anxiety. Least anxious may be when trying to decide what to have for dinner. Most is likely a toss up between public speaking and disclosing a relapse. They are so intense that I find it paralyzing. Feels like I might just die because there is something wrong physically. Sick to my stomach, unable to think or speak, etc. It is just awful.


Last edited by alongtheriver on Thu Jun 07, 2018 9:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2018 11:44 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:20 am
Posts: 110
My Daily Monitoring List ( 06/06/2018 )

  1. Did I take note of compliments I received today and accept them with gratitude?
    • Yes
  2. Did I actively disclose any compulsive behavior today?
    • Yes
    • If no, are you aware that this should have been done and consider when you will do it.
    • If yes, did you lie by omission or minimizing?
      • No
  3. Did I initiate some kind of loving affection towards my wife today?
    • No, but she did and I tried to accept graciously
  4. Did I actively engage with my recovery lessons?
    • Yes
  5. Did I engage as a partner around the house (chores, help cook, look for things to take care of in general)?
    • Yes
  6. Did I take my wife’s safety into account and actively engage in protecting it (both from me and our surroundings)?
    • N/A - it did not come up
  7. Did I view my wife as a person of value and not a sex object?
    • Yes
  8. Was I nice to my wife today?
    • Yes
  9. Did I contemplate my spirituality today?
    • No
  10. Did I engage as a householder today?
    • Yes
  11. Did I make choices about my health that were positive today?
    • Yes and No. I fasted today, but then once dinner time came around, I ate and drank too much.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 07, 2018 5:37 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3955
Location: UK
Man you are on fire :s:

You are really into the programme :g: :g: :g: :g:
that is great
however a simple question
are you giving yourself sufficient time to absorb what you are learning from each lesson ?

beware of overload

just a thought
you know yourself or at least are getting to know yourself

keep on recovering

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 07, 2018 9:46 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:20 am
Posts: 110
Kenzo,

I hear ya. So far, I have found that doing more lessons faster is keeping momentum going and I'm getting a lot out of it. I'm also discussing them with my wife each day which helps to settle them in my mind. However, I am noting some down as ones to revisit and spend more time with later on.

Thanks for the feedback!


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 07, 2018 9:47 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:20 am
Posts: 110
Recovery Nation - Emotions vs Values

Recovery Nation - Emotions vs Values

Recovery Workshop: Lesson Thirty

Lesson 30 Exercise:

Quote:
For the rest of today and all of tomorrow, focus on one specific developmental skill: deepening your awareness of the connection between your emotions and your values. Like a student studying for a midterm, concentrate on how your emotions influence your actions; how your values influence your decisions; how your emotions influence your values, etc. Don't do this from memory...anyone can do that. Take tomorrow to assess your emotions/values as if you were in a laboratory. There is no need to write down your observations anywhere. Simply do it.

I’ll be working on this today and tomorrow.

Update: rather than update this one, I posed the full version later in this thread.


Last edited by alongtheriver on Sat Jun 09, 2018 11:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 07, 2018 10:17 am 
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Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:20 am
Posts: 110
Recovery Nation - Emotional Balance and Stability

Recovery Nation - Emotional Balance and Stability

Recovery Workshop: Lesson Thirty-One

Lesson 31 Exercise:

Quote:
In learning to effectively manage your life (e.g. maintain relative emotional balance), it is important to develop an ongoing awareness of where the majority of your energy is being exhausted and where it is being derived. In your Personal Recovery Thread:

A. Make a list of all identifiable stressors that have affected your emotional health over the past week. For each, document whether it is a mild, moderate, severe or extreme stressor. Example: 1) Facing Possible Divorce: extreme; 2) Lost respect among friends and family: moderate

  • Having my mom visit for most of that week (mild)
  • Continuing to confront issues related to my recovery by doing this work (severe)
    • Lesson 24 was particularly difficult to face this week. (only severe because of this one)
  • Working on the house and property (mild)
  • Knowing that I’m neglecting my volunteer work (lots to be done here -- I’m very behind) (moderate)
  • Knowing I should have been more supportive to a family member (moderate)
  • Thinking about upcoming holiday (Father’s day) (mild)
  • Thinking about upcoming family birthday (mild)
  • One house guest left after a week and another one arrived the same day (mild)
Quote:
B. Return to your values list created earlier in the workshop. In a healthy life, the majority of energy being drained (e.g. stress) should be related to the pursuit of your highest prioritized values (top fifteen or so). Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the way that you are expending your energy?

Every one of the items above is directly related to one of my top 15 values.

Quote:
C. Likewise, in a healthy life, the majority of meaning and stimulation that you gain should also be related to your highest values. Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the quality of life you are living?

Share any insights in your Personal Recovery Thread.

I think so. The majority of the meaning and stimulation in my life right now is coming from this recovery work. I’m prioritizing it above all else because heading back into addiction throws my entire life into chaos. It is the keystone to my life right now. With it moving in the right direction everything else seems to fall into place and without it many many hours are spent dealing and recovering. Other than that, second in the list is life around the house/homestead and getting that work done. These are all aligned with my values. I’m seeing some areas of my values list that are getting neglected (volunteer work), but I’m looking at this a phase where there are just more important things (recovery) to work on.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 07, 2018 11:31 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2018 11:20 am
Posts: 110
My Daily Monitoring List ( 06/07/2018 )

  1. Did I take note of compliments I received today and accept them with gratitude?
    • Took note, but was unable to accept them.
  2. Did I actively disclose any compulsive behavior today?
    • n/a
    • If no, are you aware that this should have been done and consider when you will do it.
    • If yes, did you lie by omission or minimizing?
  3. Did I initiate some kind of loving affection towards my wife today?
    • Yes
  4. Did I actively engage with my recovery lessons?
    • Yes
  5. Did I engage as a partner around the house (chores, help cook, look for things to take care of in general)?
    • Yes
  6. Did I take my wife’s safety into account and actively engage in protecting it (both from me and our surroundings)?
    • N/A - it did not come up
  7. Did I view my wife as a person of value and not a sex object?
    • Yes
  8. Was I nice to my wife today?
    • Yes
  9. Did I contemplate my spirituality today?
    • No
  10. Did I engage as a householder today?
    • Yes
  11. Did I make choices about my health that were positive today?
    • Not negative, but not positive either.


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