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TheWillOfFireBlooms - Recovery Thread
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Author:  thewilloffireblooms [ Thu Jun 21, 2018 8:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: TheWillOfFireBlooms - Recovery Thread

Lesson 17 Exercise:

I. Consider a particular compulsive ritual that you have engaged in. Identify the elements of this ritual and post them in your recovery thread.

The compulsive ritual of watching pornography.

I start and build suspense by watching lower level videos that contain some nudity or music videos with lots of girls. Then I start with pictures of adult film stars. Then I start with softcore videos and then on to more hardcore videos.

I end up watching videos where someone is doing something forbidden and taboo. This may be because of my past and parenting as I grew up in a very conservative family where while growing up I did not feel very comfortable fully expressing myself.

Alongside the variable of taboo, I also watch things that exhibit a certain sense of power or domination of someone else(i.e in this case the women in the videos I watch).

There is also this added level of excitement where I picture myself with these attractive women and somehow I am dominating her and she is my prize. This fantasy gives me a glimpse of what it would feel like. It gives me the false sense of reality like the way I surround myself with all of this, this is real and this is how great my life is

I continue to do this until I orgasm.

Although the entire process contains many variables etc, the main one that sprinkles over all and is the main one is fantasy. Allowing myself relief from real life.

Author:  thewilloffireblooms [ Tue Jun 26, 2018 5:42 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: TheWillOfFireBlooms - Recovery Thread

Lesson 18: Exercise

Consider one of your own compulsive rituals. Identify circumstances when each of the three filters (time, habituation and intensity) have come into play. Make sure that you understand each filter to the point where you are able to identify them as a ritual is being performed. Post these personal examples in your recovery thread.

My addiction.
The time variable plays out for about a minimum of 1 hour to a max of 3 hours. After that point, it becomes more of a chore to finish up than something exciting. After around 1-1.5 hours it goes past the peak of the experience.

Intensity is well positioned in the act. I know exactly what will excite me and I will spend time on each stage bit by bit working up to the climax of the experience. I will go very easy in the beginning and know what to look at, how to position myself and where to go. Sometimes a stage will get skipped altogether in excitement of the deed and that will be fine with me. I will know when I have felt enough of each stage and whether there is enough suspense built to go to the next stage.

Habituation. Once a day is good but it is very draining after a couple of days. So sometimes a break is needed. If a certain style of activity has been done for the past couple of days, the same addictive behaviour will be repeated but this time with another style or order/scenario. This way it is able to stay fresh and not get bored.

Author:  thewilloffireblooms [ Tue Jun 26, 2018 6:01 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: TheWillOfFireBlooms - Recovery Thread

Lesson 19: (No Exercise):

Parts that were highlighted that stuck out to me.

The underlying motivation to the majority of human behaviour — some will argue that it drives all human behaviour — involves the ultimate pursuit of pleasure.

All human behavior is driven by the emotional stimulation it provides.

In a nutshell (and open to much philosophical debate), all rational human action can be broken down into the desire to achieve a more pleasurable emotional state.

As anyone with an addiction knows, compulsive rituals are not just effective in producing a euphoric state. They are just as useful in avoiding and/or minimizing an uncomfortable state. Stress, for example. Boredom, another. A man sitting in a doctor's waiting room begins to fantasize about the receptionist behind the counter. This is done as much as a subconscious desire to eliminate the boredom as it is a conscious choice to stimulate pleasure. This is at the essence of how your addiction developed...this pattern of using such rituals as your primary emotional management tool. Done often enough, it becomes second nature. It becomes ingrained. It changes the way that you interact with the world. And eventually, it changes the way that you perceive that world.

Once you recognize that the motivation for every action you take can ultimately be traced back to the anticipated emotions elicited from that action (or non-action) — the awareness of your decision-making in relation to compulsive rituals should dramatically improve. The key word there is anticipated.

There is a connection between those long-term consequences and their existing value structure. This is not often so for those with an addiction.
For someone with an addiction, it is the short-term consequences (the anticipated immediate emotional response) that serve as the primary factor in decision-making. In this, the role that emotions play in the addict's decision-making process have taken on too great a role. Their values have become so skewed that they base the majority of their decisions on pure emotional intensity — rather than on their values.

The immature person will anticipate the intensity of the emotions they will experience in the here-and-now — and base their decisions accordingly.

What's worse, the sexual addict has already ingrained certain reactions (rituals) to certain situations that they have used again and again to stimulate a particular emotional response. Once ingrained, these reactions are experienced as compulsive in that...once a triggering event is experienced, there is an expectation to engage in the ritual in order to manage the emotions triggered.

People with addictions come to know that when they do this (add a compulsive ritual here)...they are certain to experience this (add the ingrained reaction here). And the more certain that becomes, the less relevant things like values and consequences become in the decision-making process.

A life managed through compulsive behavior can often been reduced to our old friend: immediate gratification. You experience pleasure now at the expense of potential pain later. You avoid pain now (through deceit, let's say) at the expense of potentially amplified pain later.

This is the level of emotional management engaged in by most addicts. Addiction allows you to manage your life in a very basic way: do what makes you feel good (or, less bad) now.

The ability to manage your emotions can be accomplished in several ways. The healthiest way is through a pursuit of value-based actions — values that are either universal (socially-accepted) or unique (personal); or it can be accomplished artificially through the manipulation of the body's response mechanisms. One is permanent, providing long-term emotional stability and personal growth; the other is temporary, providing short-term emotional stability and long-term chaos/emotional imbalance. Obviously, the first involves health; the other addiction.

It is your responsibility to determine what type of person you want to be and what type of life you want to live. You make these decisions based on what in life is important to you. In the context of recovery, begin by thinking of your values as those things which, when you are experiencing them, provide you with a feeling of accomplishment, satisfaction and a sense of purpose. You feel good associating yourself with these traits. Also, think of values as those same traits that, when you are acting in a way that contradicts them, provide you with feelings of failure, frustration, guilt and/or shame. Some of the more common values include: your family; your career; your education; your pets; your home; your car; even your sexuality. Your values can be anything that is important to you and your feeling good about yourself. Or, as was mentioned, trigger feeling bad about yourself when acting in a way that is inconsistent with those values.

Author:  thewilloffireblooms [ Wed Jul 04, 2018 7:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: TheWillOfFireBlooms - Recovery Thread

Lesson 20 Exercise:

1) Examine your addiction and the role(s) that it has played in your life to date. Look across your life span and identify the progression of the addiction, the sustainment of it, the absence of it and/or the stifling of it. Look at the major transitions that you have experienced (childhood to prepubescent teen; prepubescent teen through teenager; teenager through young adulthood; young adulthood through adulthood; explore also any major traumas that you have endured (parental divorce, sexual abuse, moving to a new school or neighborhood, etc.) and identify the role that addiction (or the rituals that eventually developed into an addiction) played in helping you through that time period.

Your goal is to develop a fluid understanding of just how these patterns progressed from early sparks (harmless fantasy, etc.) to an eventual wildfire (e.g. addiction).

- At my old house. It started as a kid. Seeing nudity at a young age and finding a adult magazine at a young age. This shocked me and exposed me to something I shouldn’t have seen. It took away my innocence but also made me realize that this was real stuff and could be found. I did not masturbate but I was extra curious about sex etc.

- As I grew older I started watching music videos of artists and found the ability of pleasuring myself. I started doing this while viewing videos of music that I found stimulating. Then one day I experienced orgasm. I was shocked but also realized how fun and stimulating it was to do this and continued it. I kept doing the same routine everyday since I found a lot of free time to myself and access to the internet and tv. I did not always have the supervision as a kid so I would spend my time.

- As more years went by had more and more access I learned about pornography and this skyrocketed my use and number of times I would commit the act daily and weekly. Especially in the summer. I would spend most of my time playing video games, masturbating, and some time outside at the park with friends. Overall the video games and porn became my comfortable habit of choice outside the off chance there was homework or studying to be done. Majority of my time outside of school would be focused on these two.

- Entering college, there was less interaction with people I knew which slowly shifted in more sessions daily and as one of my primary sources of happiness during the hard school yea Resulting in not studying enough and resisting to studying and instead watching porn.

Author:  thewilloffireblooms [ Wed Jul 04, 2018 7:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: TheWillOfFireBlooms - Recovery Thread

Lesson 21 Exercise:

A. What large goals have you attempted in your life and failed? Why do you suppose you failed?

- I would say most of the time it is because there is no absolute clear organization and there is too many things going on on the side. So there is no utmost focus on the actual thing and eventually it subsides only to come back with me being frustrated.

B. What large goals have you attempted in your life and succeeded? Why do you suppose you were able to succeed?

- Again, things like good marks were because they were my utmost focus and I took them in small steps. Also there was very big urgency. Things like school exams etc which have real consequences. It made me go deep into the material rather than bullshit myself that I was actually progressing and fronting like I was making progress. Whenever I actually had success, it was just by doing it. It wasn’t by feeling great and trying to constantly motivate myself and jazz myself up which i find myself doing when i want to start something early etc

C. List one recovery goal that you have and break it down into as many smaller, measurable tasks as necessary for you to manage it successfully. If you find this difficult, then you are probably starting off with too general of a recovery goal. Make it specific.

Lose 4% body fat in a month.
Losing 1% body fat in a week
Eating at a 300 calorie deficit each day in a week, only allowed eating from 2-10pm. Intermittent fasting

Author:  thewilloffireblooms [ Mon Jul 09, 2018 1:00 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: TheWillOfFireBlooms - Recovery Thread

Lesson 22 Exercises:

Watching Pornography
Elements Involved: Sensory (Physical Stimulation), Fantasy(Imagery), Control/Domination, Sensory(Visual), Suspense , Orgasm

Sensory (Visual)
= 3
Time = 9
Intensity = 9
Habit = 9

= 2
Time = 7
Intensity = 6
Habit = 8

= 2
Time = 6
Intensity = 7
Habit = 6

Sensory (Physical Stimulation)
= 2
Time = 9
Intensity = 9
Habit = 9

= 2
Time = 6
Intensity = 7
Habit = 9

= 1
Time = 9
Intensity = 4
Habit = 9

= 1
Time = 4
Intensity = 3
Habit = 4

Author:  thewilloffireblooms [ Tue Jul 10, 2018 5:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: TheWillOfFireBlooms - Recovery Thread

Lesson 23 Exercise:

The practical use of learning the skill of measuring compulsive rituals are as followed:

- It can help break down each step in my compulsive use and see each step for what it is and how it affects the next step. Seeing these steps allows me to gain understanding and recognize where I am falling into a trap and when I am most susceptible for relapse and why I want it emotionally.

- As the actual lesson says, understanding each step and seeing it and being reminded or it allows me to recognize that it is more of a choice in each step rather than just a urge coming out of nowhere etc and that it is a singular act.

Author:  thewilloffireblooms [ Wed Jul 11, 2018 12:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: TheWillOfFireBlooms - Recovery Thread

Lesson 24 Exercises:

I. Create your own Wheel of Sexual Compulsion that is more closely related to your behavior. This can be done by simply listing the cumulative elements involved in your compulsive behavior. This shouldn't take you more than five minutes. List these elements (associated with no particular ritual — but more your addiction in general) in your recovery thread.

- Fantasy, Suspense, Sensory, Power, Accomplishment, Orgasm,Comfort

II. Choose a real-life example of EVERY major sexual ritual that you engage in (these should be compulsive rituals, not healthy) and break each down into their smallest elements (based on the elements identified in your wheel of sexual compulsion).

95% of every occurrence goes like this

Element #1 - Come home from work or something that preoccupied my day
Element #2- Feel very bored and tired, drained. No clear purpose of what to do with day etc and no urgency so feel very chill
Element #3 - There may be some underlying task i need to do but I still have time (no urgency, not serious)
Element #4 - Slip into comfort and relax and busy myself with entertainment. Usually youtube and social media
Element #5 - Start fantasizing about the idea of masturbating pops into my head, how nice it would feel and easy access it is to me, comfort of being alone
Element #6 - Try to reject it but more and more thoughts and images of past things that have aroused me spiral
Element #7 - Eventually give in and start watching some very softcore things maybe on youtube
Element #8 - Build suspense with each and every video, imagine myself going deeper and deeper
Element #9 - After some time, depending on the time I have I go on to watching softcore porn videos. Fantasize about myself watching these acts in person, becoming more aroused and being free to do what I want
Element #10 - While watching I imagine myself with these women, thinking of how accomplished I am and how I am with them
Element #11 - The farther along I go, I turn into more graphic material with domination. I feel very much in control and powerful in these moments
Element #12 - I make it more and more powerful and hardcore until i eventually orgasm
Element #13 - After orgasm I feel some relief for a brief amount of moments and I have a sense of relaxation
Element #14 - I end up doing more and more entertainment with the underlying thoughts behind my head telling me what I’ve done etc running away from my action (can last up to 30-40 min)
Element #15 - Brings shame and I eventually face what I’ve done and feel immediate regret, sadness, and depression over actions of how I brought myself here

Author:  thewilloffireblooms [ Sat Jul 14, 2018 8:21 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: TheWillOfFireBlooms - Recovery Thread

Lesson 25 Exercises:

Develop your own compulsive ritual. Make this relatively simple. List the primary elements in a similar fashion as exampled above in Compulsive Ritual: Exhibitionism. Post this ritual and its elements in your recovery thread.

Element 1 : Come home from school and have a lot of free time to do anything I want.
Element 2: Immediately start relaxing. Go on youtube, social media, video games. No overarching goals or vision so no compulsion to do anything but relax. Avoids hard things like studying and everything else related to growth had too much resistance to it so went to the easiest thing.
Element 3: Eventually get bored of all that and need something else to get high and higher. (Masturbation)
Element 4: Go somewhere where I have privacy.
Element 5: Start mastubrating with softcore, get excited
Element 6: Find something harder and erotic and finish
Element 7: Feel shame and tired, distract myself with social media, youtube etc
Element 8: If there is work, eventually get myself up and half ass it.
Element 9: Tell myself tomorrow will be different and I feel some sense of hope that “This is it!!’
Element 10: Don’t really do anything since nothing is organized and lot happening in life, so cycle continues. Sometimes very motivated and avoid but eventually return to relapse.

Author:  thewilloffireblooms [ Sun Jul 15, 2018 3:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: TheWillOfFireBlooms - Recovery Thread

Lesson 26 Exercises:

Element 1 : Bored. Tired. Have things to do but not motivated to do them at all. Either waking up on a weekend or coming home from school/work.
Element 2: Tell myself I need a small break so I start watching youtube videos and surfing social media.
Element 3: Eventually get bored or find something arousing on youtube or instagram or a thought of a woman pops into my head.
Element 4: Try to reject thoughts etc but keep staying on internet and slowly continue looking while trying to ignore thoughts going on in my head.
Element 5: Cave in and start watching something but tell myself I’ll only look a little at something semi arousing before I turn it off.
Element 6: Slowly provide commentary in head of nice it all is and how amazing it would feel if I masturbate.
Element 7: May turn off laptop or whatever avenue i;m using but keep coming back before i say fuck it and decide I’m masturbating.
Element 8: At this point, if i’m not already, I proceed to my room where I am alone.
Element 9: Start watching softcore videos and minor nudity while softly masturbating, watching from the perspective of innocence and that with each video I lose more and more. This is the main point of fantasy.
Element 10: Eventually after enough softcore is watched, I go directly into much hardcore videos and start intensely masturbating. Focusing on beautiful women being dominated and multiple options of tabs being available.
Element 11: After I watch enough of 1 women, I move onto the next. Having a new beautiful girl each video. With the domination arousing me, I imagine myself in that position.
Element 12: After perhaps 1-2 hours, I will just want to release and release on a very rough video at a very rough point in the scene.
Element 13: After orgasm, start watching youtube videos and try to forget what I just did and how much time I wasted. Feel shame since that time I could have used on actual productive work and then be free but now i’m in the position of feeling tired, depressed, shameful AND having work to do and probably being behind on it. Feeling like a failure in life. Wondering what happened.

Author:  thewilloffireblooms [ Mon Jul 16, 2018 12:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: TheWillOfFireBlooms - Recovery Thread

Lesson 27 Exercise:

Provide an example of two compulsive chains in your life.

An example of compulsive chains is masturbation. First it was me being able to use my imagination while masturbating. Then it delved into watching porn and combining that with masturbating. Now it is usually using seductive music for foreplay while looking at eortic pictures before watching pornography. While listening to the music, masturbating very softly and taking it very slowly. Then after a certain while, turning the music off and going to watching softcore videos where it focuses on the girl. After this element is satisfied and I need something else and more stimulation, onto the harder videos where the focus is on domination. This is where I will eventually orgasm.
Another form I do is doing it naked. Having this feeling of danger. It adds an element of stimulation that is not there in my usual routine. This is incorporated to spice it up.

I have used social media as foreplay as well, Tumblr, Instagram etc

Author:  Kenzo [ Tue Jul 17, 2018 7:19 am ]
Post subject:  Re: TheWillOfFireBlooms - Recovery Thread

understanding each step and seeing it and being reminded or it allows me to recognize that it is more of a choice in each step rather than just a urge coming out of nowhere etc and that it is a singular act.

:g: :g:
well done
you are getting there

Author:  thewilloffireblooms [ Tue Jul 17, 2018 12:09 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: TheWillOfFireBlooms - Recovery Thread

Lesson 28 Exercise:

1. Compulsive Chains:
Develop a compulsive chain of your most recent acting out behavior.

Review it to ensure that you can recognize the way that each element affected your emotional state.

1. Come home. Have stuff to do but just came from work so relax a little. Urge to watch something stimulating comes.
2. Ignore it but keeps popping into my head. Eventually cave in and go to my room to watch it alone.
3. Look at videos and pictures of women just above the layer of naked. Slowly masturbating.
4. Keeping it very minimal and building suspense, knowing there’s so much more to see.
5. Also play erotic music, slow and high paced to also go along with the mood and keep it exciting.
6. Move onto to actual videos of women. Choose a category I want to watch that day and focus in on that. Could be very attractive latina girls who are very voluptuous. Focus on very attractive girls who are realistic.
7. After that has died off, start watching harder videos that are more rough and eventually finish. Emphasize on hardcore, control, power and domination.

2. Thinking as an addict, look for areas within this chain where you could add additional destructive elements that would have (most likely) increased the overall stimulation of the event. The actual events that you add should be realistic, and related to the chain itself. For instance, someone viewing porn might add the element of setting up a Power Point slide show of the images. Someone engaging in escort services might add the element of videotaping the encounters. Share these in your recovery thread.

- Possible to make a certain playlist of music that is erotic that I can come back to and add more as time goes on
- Can also do the same for videos, and have multiple playlists depending on the category
- Addition of the element of danger but going nude in different places or switching up the style which each step is masturbated and taking off
clothes bit by bit after each step
- Can do it in different locations (dark room, bright lit)
- Adding sounds like moaning and cursing to make it more erotic, especially during more hardcore scenes which are degrading
- While masturbating, can purchase certain lubes etc to make it more pleasurable

Author:  thewilloffireblooms [ Wed Jul 18, 2018 12:07 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: TheWillOfFireBlooms - Recovery Thread

Lesson 29 Exercise:

A. Describe the emotions that you experienced and the thoughts that triggered them.

At a wedding dancing with friends, great emotions of companionship that felt really great and freeing and there was expression without worry
Before a midterm, feeling that slow anxiety in your belly that’s there. Stats, ethics etc
Waiting in a line and meeting new people, that added security and anxiety that you have where it seems like you can’t breathe deep enough and something is resisting you from fully expressing yourself in your chest
After you get good news and you immediately get charged with this great sense of feeling and excitement and all of a sudden you have this sudden added boost of energy and added expression
After something bad happens to you like getting a rejection email from an employer, feeling very empty and like a failure and looking over your life. Feeling hopeless and no sense of excitement and energy
When with an attractive girl flirting, feeling a sense of nervousness but the same time a different sense of excitement which keeps you on edge and up

B. In assessing your own anxiety, describe the extremes of your personal experiences with anxiety. What has been the least anxious state you have experienced and the most extreme anxious state you have experienced?

When getting triggered feeling pressure in my stomach. The breath seems to get faster and heartbeat starts increasing
Not being able to concentrate on the task at hand or going back to whatever it was that had your previous attention
Mind going crazy telling you to watch it and you mentally try to resist these thoughts but can’t
Seems like so much going on from both mental and physical and a feeling of being overwhelmed

Author:  thewilloffireblooms [ Sun Jul 22, 2018 6:29 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: TheWillOfFireBlooms - Recovery Thread

Lesson 31 Exercise:

A. Make a list of all identifiable stressors that have affected your emotional health over the past week. For each, document whether it is a mild, moderate, severe or extreme stressor. Example: 1) Facing Possible Divorce: extreme; 2) Lost respect among friends and family: moderate

Making it to work and performing at work - mild
Coming home and practicing driving - mild
Living in an environment devoid of your beliefs and not being able to express myself fully - mild
Going to the gym - mild
Lost respect among friends and family - mild
Stressor of all the possible negative health symptoms - medium
The stresses of cleaning the home and painting - medium
The stresses of trying to do a lot at the same time, feeling overwhelmed so do nothing - medium
The stress of family arguing and fighting all the time, being lazy - medium
Coming home from work and feeling exhausted to do things - medium

B. Return to your values list created earlier in the workshop. In a healthy life, the majority of energy being drained (e.g. stress) should be related to the pursuit of your highest prioritized values (top fifteen or so). Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the way that you are exerting your energy?

I do see this pattern but I believe I have done a poor job in being singular in my vision and forcing too much at the same time. Right now, too much is being implemented at the same time and I am being overwhelmed which hinders everything else and makes the entire process harder. I am moving into a new home, trying to revamp my entire diet, trying to go to the gym at the same time, and trying to remain social among my friends. Because of this, my exertion of energy is not efficient and all over the place.

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