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PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 1:22 pm 
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Joined: Sat Feb 06, 2016 11:56 am
Posts: 4
I found my way here due to due to a desire to free myself from pornography. While it was pornography which led me here, I had already recognized it was a symptom of lacking a proper foundation in my life before finding Recovery Nation. Along with pornography, other other compulsive distractions would include video gaming, internet use and anime binging. My relations with women (sexual, or otherwise) is pretty much non-existent. In the past couple years I have been getting a much better understanding as to why it has been so difficult to approach women.

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:

1) actively committing yourself to change

I know the desire to change is there but not something I've consistently followed through on.

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change

When I read through peoples stories here (and elsewhere) I get the thought I don't belong on this forum. The thought that people here are going through things far greater than what I deal with. Perhaps it's a false shame, placing myself above those here. On another day I can see myself having clicked the “x” button and walking away.

3) allowing yourself time to change.

Time will tell how much of a grasp of this topic I have.

B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. Phrase these in the positive. For example: " I don't want to keep deceiving my wife" would serve you better if written like "I want to be honest and transparent with my wife". Positive statements have much more power in our mindset than negative ones. List these in your recovery thread.

Back in school I never liked doing these kind of lists which required me to look inward. I rarely, if ever, hit the ten point mark. Now that I'm in my thirties I can see the merit in this avoided skill. Time to learn.

- I want to follow through on my commitments.
- I want to be honest and transparent with my future partner, even if she attempts to guilt me into lying.
- I want to be responsible in managing my finances.
- I have a home I want to renovate to make my own or to sell and move on elsewhere.
- I'd like to leave my current place of employment and seek out opportunities elsewhere.
- As with my future partner, I'd like my friendships to be genuine.
- I want to be a better example to the family in my life and show them a way.
- I have a desire to learn to dance and sing.
- To be better able to start conversations on topics I want to talk about.
- I want to see if my desire to help others is a genuine desire, me avoiding myself or both.

C. Childhood picture.

When I was at my parents last night I easily could have asked to borrow an old photo album but did not in the end. This has not been the first time I've let things slide when asking for something which could help me get my life in order. I didn't even intend to tell them the reason other than I wanted to look back at my childhood. This makes me more curious now than frustrated.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2016 7:20 pm 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3665
Location: UK
Hello W Mac

Quote:
When I read through peoples stories here (and elsewhere) I get the thought I don't belong on this forum. The thought that people here are going through things far greater than what I deal with. Perhaps it's a false shame, placing myself above those here. On another day I can see myself having clicked the “x” button and walking away.


if you choose to then you definitely do belong here, your addiction is as big a load to you as mine was to me and all other members to them
the reason for being here is to provide guidance, a road map if you like , towards that path of change

but guide is all that it will do
the engine driving your recovery is you

so welcome to RN
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2018 6:26 pm 
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Joined: Sat Feb 06, 2016 11:56 am
Posts: 4
It has been awhile. Not where I want to be and still in to the porn, yet I feel I'm in a better place now than I was. After some bouncing around I made my way to another porn recovery forum which seemed more a fit for me at the time. Participating there has helped and I feel closer to being able to try this program. Currently I'm starting in a 12-step group to see how that goes. I like the idea of actually talking to people face to face.

I just read through forwardthinker's first post in the topic on love addiction and found I could relate. A longing of "love" in many aspects does seem to be a big issue of mine. I link it to an observation I had earlier today of a prevalence of hero fantasies in my mind. I can see how this can influence me to come to the rescue of those who really don't need it.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 29, 2018 5:34 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3665
Location: UK
Hi Mac
remember saying
Quote:
I know the desire to change is there but not something I've consistently followed through on.



Quote:
It has been awhile.
evidently


Quote:
Not where I want to be

so stop spinning your wheels and really strive to get to where you want to be even if you dont know where that is!
We both know it is better than where you are now
so lets get started :pe: :pe: :pe: :pe:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2018 7:34 pm 
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Joined: Sat Feb 06, 2016 11:56 am
Posts: 4
Returning, this forum really does feel like a "safe space". A forum for recovery, not a place to hang out and chat. Here is a workbook for me. The recovery threads of others feel far away and not of my concern.

Revisiting Lesson 1.

Lesson 1 Exercises:

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change


I honestly feel like I'm in a better place to face myself.

2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change

Pausing while I type this. Guilt and shame there? Maybe. Regardless, time to move forward.

3) allowing yourself time to change.

Just do it.

Consider where you feel you are in relation to each of these recovery keys? Briefly share your thoughts in your Recovery Thread.

B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. Phrase these in the positve. For example: " I don't want to keep deceiving my wife" would serve you better if written like "I want to be honest and transparent with my wife". Positive statements have much more power in our mindset than negative ones. List these in your recovery thread.

- I want to be honest. [expand]
- To meet my wife.
- Help my family the best I can
- Maintaining and improving my home.
- Improve my health
- Run a business
- To genuinely laugh.
- To connect with people.

- Deep inside, deep inside, deep inside....

C. One of the most powerful insights you can gain in establishing a foundation for permanent recovery is to come to see your addiction within the scope of your life span. In other words, to not just see your addiction as it is now, but to look across the span of your life to see the role that addiction has played in your development. Much of this will be explored throughout the workshop, but to put yourself in the right frame of mind to develop such a perception, do the following:

Find a picture of yourself when you were a small child. An innocent child. For those with early childhood sexual abuse issues, do not mistake this abuse for a lack of innocence. You were absolutely innocent. It will be hard to derive the full value from this exercise without an actual picture so if it is just a matter of needing to find one...wait. Wait until you have the picture in your hand. If such a picture does not exist, try envisioning a moment in your life when you were 3, 4...perhaps 5 years old — but only do this as a last resort. The power of this exercise rests in your ability to look into the eyes of your own innocence — something that is very hard to do through memory alone.

Now, with the picture in hand, look into that child's eyes. Feel their innocence. Acknowledge that this child is you at a point in your life. Feel how vulnerable you were. How trusting. Recognize the lack of addiction in your life...and the desire for little more than love, compassion, teaching and support. Think of the trauma you faced throughout your life. Think of the times when you felt alone. Confused. If you feel like it, cry for this child. Allow yourself to feel love for this child. Do whatever you must to emotionally connect with this child because it is for this child that you are now reclaiming your life. It is this child who lost their way and you are the one now showing the courage to guide this child, who is you, back to health.



Sept. 7, 2018

I have read through Getting Started and Lesson 1, it's a start. Now its time to reclaim some of last nights lost sleep.

Sept. 8, 2018

Motivation for change. There an awareness in my mind my motivations are tentative. As I grow, they can change. Ten to fifteen reasons seems difficult for me. I'm sure there are more but my mind deflects them as not being worthy.

Picture of a child. The earliest I have is five years old, I'd like to go younger. Before kindergarten, before I left the safety of home. These pictures exist, I just have to find them.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 10, 2018 10:53 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 320
Hi Mac,

Quote:
Returning, this forum really does feel like a "safe space"

Welcome back!

Quote:
The recovery threads of others feel far away and not of my concern.

You're right but you may find that there are times that looking at others' threads may be helpful to see how others have approached exercises if you haven't grasped something in the lesson, I know that I found that helpful myself. You're call though.

Good luck and I look forward to following your thread. If you get stuck along the way then just post to your thread and coaches and mentors will stop by to help.

_________________
L2R

"Should you fail to permanently recover from your addiction, it will be due to your inability to fully commit to recovery"


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PostPosted: Tue Sep 11, 2018 7:24 pm 
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Joined: Sat Feb 06, 2016 11:56 am
Posts: 4
Hi learningtorun,

Thanks for the suggestion. On another recovery forum I felt I was spending too much time reading and commenting on others postings while ignoring my own stuff.

Short term goal: Get the picture. :)


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