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PostPosted: Mon Nov 05, 2018 11:14 am 
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Joined: Fri Jun 01, 2018 9:03 am
Posts: 23
Lesson 11:

Assessing my compulsive behaviour:
  • Pornography
  • Maturbation
  • Fantasy


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 05, 2018 11:25 am 
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Lesson 12:

Seems like I am (was) part of group 2.

General Behaviour Patterns that I think I have:
  • Relapse triggers are seen as opportunities to act out.
  • They tend to see life in episodes — with beginnings and endings — rather than as a process.
  • They tend to hyper analyze their actions, thoughts and feelings...and make the possibility of living a "normal" life all but impossible.
  • They continue to identify themselves with their addiction and cannot imagine a life without such an association.

Lesson 13:

Healthy Recovery Patterns:
  • In early recovery, individuals often experience significant doubts relating to their ability to change.
  • In early recovery, extremely negative emotions are the norm: especially as they relate to depression, anxiety, hopelessness and suicide.
  • Yep, my family asked me many times if there was something wrong with me (not knowing that I'm actually recovering).
  • They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present.
  • They are not focused on controlling/ending their past behavioral patterns, but on developing new patterns that will take the place of those related to the addiction.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 05, 2018 12:20 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jun 01, 2018 9:03 am
Posts: 23
Lesson 14:

(UPDATED V1.2)

Health Monitoring I:
  • Did I engage in any compulsive behaviour today?
  • Did I eat clean and healthily today?
  • Was I friendly and calm today?
  • Did I avoid lying down during the day today?
  • Did I study for at least 8 hours today?
  • Did I focus on developing my speaking skills today?
  • Did I avoid using the computer (and phone) and browsing the internet today?
  • Did I do (Active stretching) today?
  • Was I focusing on developing the values I've chosen and deriving emotional stimulation from them today?
  • Did I listen to the subs as instructed today?
  • Did I work on completing my tasks (or solving problems) fast and in an organized, structured manner?
  • Did I have a cold shower today?
  • Did I do my focus-based meditation for at least 10 - 15 minutes today?
  • Did I sleep properly and on time today?


Last edited by DefenceWarfare on Mon Nov 12, 2018 6:00 am, edited 4 times in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 06, 2018 8:29 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3853
Location: UK
DW
you wrote
Quote:
Seems like I am (was) part of group 2.

so what is it, am or was?
I suggest the reality lies somewhere between the two, and that is OK
You have discovered or perhaps more apt is revealed something about yourself, your character, hence you know areas of your inner core that need to be worked on
RN and its community will help and support but as you know you are the one who needs to put in that commitment and work

Let's get it done

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 07, 2018 6:12 am 
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Joined: Fri Jun 01, 2018 9:03 am
Posts: 23
Kenzo
You wrote:
Quote:
I suggest the reality lies somewhere between the two, and that is OK
I think it is between the two too.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 07, 2018 6:54 am 
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Joined: Fri Jun 01, 2018 9:03 am
Posts: 23
Lesson 15:

What I've learned since I've started my recovery:

  • There is impulse or emotional based decision making and value based decision making.
  • Values are what drives human behaviour.
  • There are universal and practical values.
  • Emotional stimulation is derived from your values.
  • Compulsive behaviour has a destructive impact on your past values (values before becoming addicted).
  • I have to learn to derive emotional stimulation from the values that i've chosen for myself and work hard to develop them.
  • Learned that I am currently emotionally immature and the only way to attain emotional maturity is by developing my chosen values properly and actively.
  • Currently, I am trying to derive emotional stimulation by doing what I said I'll do in my health monitor I.


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 07, 2018 7:17 am 
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Joined: Fri Jun 01, 2018 9:03 am
Posts: 23
Lesson 16 - Understanding Addiction I

Positive roles that addiction has played in my life:
  • Instant gratification; extreme instant pleasure.
  • Unlimited supply of beautiful women doing degrading things (novelty).
  • Sexual fantasy
  • Escape from my problems.
  • Instant relief from my urges.
  • "Cured" boredom and loneliness.
  • Was a 'good' substitution for a real partner (as I was and still am too young to have one).
  • Sexual excitement.
  • Lust


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 08, 2018 2:23 am 
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Joined: Fri Jun 01, 2018 9:03 am
Posts: 23
RELAPSED!

Damn it, I went through a full blown relapse (relapsed multiple times). Felt super abnormal. Not proud of it. Not happy about it. But I'm feeling like I set myself right back to the beginning. My last highest streak was 21 days last 3 - 4 years and I relapsed on day 21 this time, same time. Time for my resilience value to kick in, I usually keep relapsing for a long time after my initial flop but not this time.

Lessons learnt from this huge flop:
  • Recovery isn't about abstinence only. I used to count days instead of making my days count.
  • I need to put all of my focus on building my new self instead of managing my old self.
  • I actively recover instead of just doing the lesson exercises and lazying (is that even a word?) about, all day.
  • Get bloody serious about recovery, it's not a joke.
  • Relapse isn't and will never be worth it. All the excuses and 'rationalizations' I've put up for myself were lies made by myself just to indulge in PMO.
  • Step by step, mountains are moved. So make every step, no matter how small count.
  • When I relapse I relapse once and not seven times!
The root cause of my relapse:
  • Irregular sleep times and long naps during the day really messed up my sleep and reduced the likelihood of me falling asleep quickly.
  • Bombarding myself with sexual thoughts (flashbacks of beautiful pornstars, thinking about the role of pheromones and 'vaginal fluids' after reading lesson 17, and so on), all my fault as I triggered them.
  • Sex is like top priority in my life. Constantly thinking about it, really wanting it, dreaming about it (like what the hell is up with me?).
  • Active recovery, moving my limbs and actually doing something useful with my hands and legs in real life. Not just typing on a forum.
  • Browsing the internet (even if it wasn't sex or porn related).
Fair enough. I'm putting myself back on track, even though I'm not feeling like it (guilt + chaser effect). Time to get rid of this madness...


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 08, 2018 8:06 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3853
Location: UK
Hi DW
Quote:
I think it is between the two too.




Damn it, I went through a full blown relapse (relapsed multiple times).

Seems much closer to am than was :pe:

Quote:
Lessons learnt from this huge flop:

Recovery isn't about abstinence only. I used to count days instead of making my days count.
I need to put all of my focus on building my new self instead of managing my old self.
I actively recover instead of just doing the lesson exercises and lazying (is that even a word?) about, all day.
Get bloody serious about recovery, it's not a joke.
Relapse isn't and will never be worth it. All the excuses and 'rationalizations' I've put up for myself were lies made by myself just to indulge in PMO.
Step by step, mountains are moved. So make every step, no matter how small count.

Lessons learned or lessons to be learned?
Quote:
When I relapse I relapse once and not seven times!
OH and that is OK then ??????????????????
Slips /relapses do happen but we should not simply accept them and excuse them
you need to learn from them and take what you learn onboard

Quote:
The root cause of my relapse:

Is not the things that you wrote, the root cause is you, you chose to act out, nobody made you do it,

Young people do explore their bodies, their sexuality, they experiment and that is healthy, but if it becomes compulsive and controls you then it is unhealthy and requires actions

You can make your decisions , you can do this, help is on hand the tools are their for your use, use them
Choose wisely and become the person that you aspire to be

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 5:54 am 
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Joined: Fri Jun 01, 2018 9:03 am
Posts: 23
To Kenzo:

I acknowledged in the previous post that I was the problem. And yes, those are lessons to be learned. And no it is not okay to relapse. But if I slip and fall on my face once it doesn't mean that I should keep relapsing again and again. Relapse isn't acceptable. Exploring my sexuality was done a very long time ago (when I first started at 11). This turned into compulsion which is unhealthy. The only thing I need now is to take action and use the tools. I got addicted to counting the number of days that I abstained from compulsive behaviour (using the nofap counter). Now, I'm trying to focus on how good I feel, how much progress I'm making and so on. Thank you for replying.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 6:12 am 
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Posts: 23
Lesson 17 - Understanding Addiction II:

Stimulating elements of my compulsive ritual:
  • Sensory - Sight, sound and touch, arousal.
  • Fantasy - The ability to combine imagination and pornography to increase the intensity of pleasure.
  • Orgasm - Masturbation obviously.
  • Power - Novelty (novel partners, scenes, experiences with pornography, new categories, taboos, fetishes).


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 6:47 am 
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Joined: Fri Jun 01, 2018 9:03 am
Posts: 23
Lesson 18 - Understanding Addiction III:

My compulsive ritual - Masturbating and watching pornography (multiple times a day):

Time: I have either long 30 - 45 minutes PMO sessions to "enjoy myself properly and edge" OR a 5 - 10 minutes 'just a quick release' session. The amount of time it takes to finish these sessions are gradually getting longer and longer. I ejaculate a couple of times during each session (1 - 2 times for short sessions and 5 - 7 times in long sessions!).

Habituation: I really watch the same old shit as usual (lesbian, particular body parts I am obsessed with, and other messed up but 'vanilla' things; nothing extreme). Extreme seemed to damn fake to believe. So, the habituation in this case comes with getting bored with the particular video and going to another one. Opening more tabs (don't go through all of them though). Having to ejaculate more times to become satisfied or get to the point of extreme physical exhaustion(satisfaction NEVER comes); the amount of times I orgasm is increasing, one isn't enough anymore. Getting obsessed with specific body parts (can't disclose what they are as it is super embarrassing). Having to spend more and more time to get the urge and dissatisfaction out of my system. Just recently started experimenting with a homemade fleshlight (toilet paper and latex gloves and soup, which usually led me to injury!). Complete desensitization and so on. Some changes in porn taste as I continued to explore new categories...

Intensity: At first I orgasm in the first couple of minutes but try and edge to experience more intense feelings of pleasure (it has always been like that). But as the time and session cycles go by, desensitization kicks in and I start watching more degrading things to just orgasm and get rid of the urge and dissatisfaction. There are some scenes that usually give me enough stimulation to even make my physically exhausted and super desensitized self to orgasm.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2018 4:16 am 
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Joined: Fri Jun 01, 2018 9:03 am
Posts: 23
Went through a full blown relapse period. Throughout this period I gained a LOT of weight, had HUGE problems with my parents, and family in general, haven't done a thing with my studies, everyone asking me 'what's wrong with you', have a lot of pressure because of my studies (due to procrastination I have to squeeze a 3 subjects which have to be done in 2 years in less than 5 months), started exploring nastier cateogories in porn like homosexuality (absolutely disgusting!) and other genres, my taste in porn changed a lot.

Anyway, time to stand up and take control of my life.

For the next weeks I'll be starting from lesson 1 and modifying everything I wrote and make things more practical. Last time, I haven't built a strong foundation, and wasn't working actively, all my work was done in a lazy and lousy manner.

Note: Last time I abstained PMO for 3 weeks and one of my fetishes just suddenly dissappeared out of my life.

Time to move on...


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2018 6:27 am 
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Joined: Sat Jul 07, 2018 7:12 pm
Posts: 64
Hey - I am new here, I just wanted to say hi and all of your work is inspiring me:)


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2018 12:33 pm 
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Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 305
DW,

Quote:
Went through a full blown relapse period.

Alright, that's not great but no one is going to judge you. Let's see what we can learn.
You'll be learning soon how emotions play a critical part in our behaviors. You said...
Quote:
had HUGE problems with my parents
everyone asking me 'what's wrong with you'
have a lot of pressure because of my studies
started exploring nastier cateogories in porn and other genres, my taste in porn changed a lot.


This is a real life application of what you learned in 18. Take note of the order of what occurred.
Stressor -> external reinforcement that something is 'wrong' -> additional increase in emotional instability = need for filter of habituation/time/intensity (changes in porn genre) to manage higher than usual emotional turmoil.

You mentioned that you'll be starting over with the lessons. I applaud your openness about the lack of effort in the earlier lessons...indeed a solid foundation is important... but the exercises aren't meant as checklists and are more to help you understand the material. That being said, you may consider continuing where you left off by jumping into 19 as the next few lessons may give you some great insight to your relapses.

Be Well,

Anon


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