Lesson I Exercises -
This has been a long time coming, and I have tried a number of attempts at recovery from porn addiction and other behaviors I know are unhealthy and self-destructive. So here goes.
A – Reflecting on three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change:
1. I am actively committing myself to change by putting sexual compulsion behind me and seeking a more values-centered approach to life. For too long and too frequently, I have allowed myself to use pornography, sexual massage, and other “bottom-line” behaviors to consume me. The thrill of short term self gratification is alluring and the dopamine rush that comes from masturbation have become a drug that I am using to medicate my pain, loneliness, sadness, and shame. But it is a vicious cycle as the behavior only brings about more shame, loneliness and pain. It’s time once and for all to interrupt that vicious cycle, and this process holds promise of being the way to do that, restoring myself to a healthy path.
2. I can not allow guilt and shame to sabotage my commitment to change as it has in the past. The compulsion to PMO is strong and insidious, and it uses my guilt and shame to tell me that I am not worth any more than my worst fears about myself. Those voices tell me that I don’t deserve a happy, fulfilling life, and that efforts to lead a happy life, efforts to leave PMO behind are doomed to failure. I can no longer listen to those voices. They are voices coming from a place of guilt, shame, insecurity, and loneliness. My life will not change if I continue to give these forces the control.
3. This will take time, and I commit myself to taking the time to follow the Recovery Nation road-map. I have been diverted from the road map before, and I know that I am sometimes prone to procrastination. The voices of my compulsion will support procrastination and put roadblocks in my way. There will be nights when I am tired, and don’t want to do the work. But I am going to have to power through those moments if I want to have the happy fulfilling life that I know is on the other side of this process.
B - 10+ reasons why I seek to permanently change my life.
1. I want a happy, mutually beneficial, supportive, and fulfilling relationship with a life partner, and I will not be able to achieve that important goal unless I make this change.
2. I want to be open and transparent in my dealings with friends and family, and not feel like there is a part of me I am always trying to hide.
3. I want to improve my mental health
4. I seek to be more at peace with myself and who I am
5. I want to be more present and attuned to my surroundings
6. I want to be proud of myself
7. I want more energy, motivation, and vigor in my life
8. I want more joy and laughter in my life.
9. I hope that I can channel the negative energy I have expended in to sexual compulsion in to positive energy that will motivate me to become more physically healthy as well as mentally healthy
10. I want to experience healthy, positive sexual intimacy with a partner – free of shame and self doubt
11. I want to improve my self esteem and confidence
12. I want to nurture my self
C - Reflecting on my childhood self.
A picture of myself at 6 or 7 has a faraway look in his eyes and a light smile. I took such pride in being a good kid, always cleaning my room and doing what I was told. I helped take care of my little brothers, and I felt responsibility for them. The trauma I experienced when we moved from the suburbs to inner city Chicago is still seared in to my brain. I was 9 at the time, and the shock of moving from Suburban Milwaukee to inner city Chicago was so jarring – represented vividly by the crash of a beer bottle at my feet as I stood in the alley behind our building waiting to unload the moving truck on our first night there. I can remember how painful that was, how sad I was to be living in this industrial setting instead of having a room to myself in our old house, my parents having taken a vow of poverty. But I tried to hide my pain, because I had to be the responsible one, the oldest of 3. And I got pretty good at hiding pain, not telling people what was really going on in my child mind. No one was asking anyway, so it didn’t take much effort to hide it from anyone. Eventually I adapted to the new environment. Our lives were pretty Spartan, and we got hand me down clothes, and ate donated food. Different adults supervised the evening meals on our floors each night, a job they were assigned to in rotation, never happily. One guy caring for us had an epileptic fit while caring for us and started literally knocking kids heads together randomly. It hurt. I was desperate for compassion and love, and sometimes got it from my parents or other caring adults on our floor. But it was often not available to me when I needed it.
I was innocent and certainly vulnerable. And that kid certainly experienced trauma. I don’t think about it much, but it is a part of me now. The task is to guide this person, me, back to health.
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