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PostPosted: Wed Jan 22, 2020 2:38 am 
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Posts: 49
I tried with the treatment for porn and masturbation adicts almost 8 years ago. I gave up the therapy very soon. I am here to make a new beginning.
I am a porn masturbation and phantasy addict. My wife discovered my addiction or better to say my second life about 12 years ago. I kept lying to her and to myself for years about my sincerity and my love saying "It is not my darling true any more. I have the stuff under control." I mastered to delude myself, and in a way I believed din't have any sex related problem anymore. All the evil in my live happend for me because of bad luch, parents who didn't love me enough or whatever else... I promised her to change so many times that in fact I don't remember the circumstances I promised to stop, to go for recovery. She used to say "if you really love me and if you really want to , just stop".
And I did stop, kept stopping dozens of times. But it worked for a short period of time. Stopping one sex related addiction pushed me to another. My perfect crime was that in case I was asked by my five if I had done the thing (and she had in mind porn or masturbation) I told her I hadn't. But in fact I knew I was completely immersed in phantasy addiction, but she didn't ask so I didn't give the answer. What kept me from trying hard with recoverynations was my deep convicton: I was the victim, I used to live unhappy life because nobody could understand my complex personality, and such blah blah blah... I was finding dozen of explanations why I wasn't looking for professional help or at least any support group based on 12 steps. I still have some doubts about my English. I know it is a kind of chalange for me and I know it will take much effort to deal with the selftherapy on RN as it is not my native language. Anyway, what I really missed in my past was the propper inner motivation.
There is also a long story of my old life before I met my wife. I know it has had a profound impact on my life. I think there will be time to address this issue later on during my recovery.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 22, 2020 2:39 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 49
Lesson 1
Exercise A
1) My active comittment for change... I have the lesson topics over the whole day in my mind. I can't wait to deal with the new subjects. There are plenty of situations during the day that "are talking" to me. I see my family and as never before I feel my limitations and how much I care about my family. I don't want to waste any second.
2) That's the most difficult for me. She is saying me about her feelings. How much I did hurt her. I really listen to her. I feel responsibility but I don't want to follow my shame. Allowing too much shame in my live doesn't help with my therapy. My wife asks me some questions about therapy. I don't know what to tell. She would like to see my posts. I know I want to show them, but I don't know, what is the proper time. I don't know what to tell her.
3) I tell always my wife I need to be alone to work with RN. But even telling this is for me a little bit like to admit: I am the addict, I am the one, who hurt you. It's quite difficult situation for me. If I blushed, I would blush every time mentioning about RN. In the moment I have a little more time professinaly, but I know it will be for me quite hard to take time when I am really busy. But I can do it.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 22, 2020 2:40 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 49
Exercise B
1. I want to realize who I am, what my dreams are, what I really want to, rather than numbing myself using my addictive behaviors.
2. I want to look into the mirror and see a self confident person, who has nothing to hide, who uses his energy for making the life of his loved ones better.
3. I want to develop an honest and intimate relationship with my wife. Better to say: I want to create from scratch a honest and intimate relationship with my wife.
4. I want to be a role model for my family. I want to make them sure they can rely on me.
5. Despite the fear I want to be brave enough to admit the mistake and take the responsibility.
6. Despite the fear I want to be brave enough to admit the mistake and take the responsibility in any circumstances.
7. I want to experience all possible feelings even the negative ones for my personal development.Opening to real feelings will lead me to emotional maturity.
8. I want to be truthful. I believe the truth will set me free.
9. I want to be regain my dignity and innocence.
10. Through my change I want to make the life of my family better. I want to give my wife her life back, so she could concentrate on herself and our children instead of living in permanent fear for my addiction relapse.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 22, 2020 2:41 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 49
Exercise C
It's very hard for me see clearly when I became addicted. I'm telling this because I'm trying to see my addiction across my life span. I grew up in the family with quite strict religion rules. I don't mean any special deep spirituality. I mean here rather the behaviors and how our sociaty roles should be played. I mean also to not touching many taboos subjects. The sexuality was the most important taboo. Since I can remember I had to hide my sexuality very deep. When I look in the picture of me, I was 3 of age, I can't stop thinking, if I had already those firty thoughts, which I was supposed to confess to the priest in the church. Only later I can me as an innocent child. I can see my father looking at me with love and listening with attention to, what I was talking about. I - the boy was very focuesed. There was nothing for him but this very moment. I can see all the years in fron of him. And I can see the how much time did I waste. I'm starting my therapy not to please anybody. I used to please my parents, especially my mother. I always wanted to please somebody. I wish, I could warn him, this small boy. I feel love to him and patiance and understanding. I want to help him to get mature but I appreciate his mindfullnes and focus on the present.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 22, 2020 4:55 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 423
Hi Sperans,

You wrote
Quote:
She would like to see my posts. I know I want to show them, but I don't know, what is the proper time. I don't know what to tell her.

and
Quote:
3. I want to develop an honest and intimate relationship with my wife. Better to say: I want to create from scratch a honest and intimate relationship with my wife.

If what you say is true that you want to start again and be honest with your wife then allowing her to read your posts will show that you have nothing to hide. But also know that to get the most out of RN you need to be able to be honest with yourself here and what you post. Only you will know if you can do both and that is your choice but if you choose to hide your posts from your wife then it risks creating the impression that you have something to hide from her. So choose wisely.

That being said, welcome to RN.

If you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction, as you have demonstrated thus far, then you are at a good place to make that wish reality

Commit , fully and completely

Work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand, coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

The path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone

We usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading

Get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

Remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

Your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you

Good luck and i look forward to following your thread.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 25, 2020 9:19 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 49
By the reading Lesson 2 about establishing a healthy vision for my live I was shocked, when it came to reading the sentence : "At this stage, you likely have another ten to fifty years of active, quality life left." I was afraid of having so little time. I wanted to cry. I was thinking about my family, about my wife, about dozens of things I was supposed to do but I didn't.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 25, 2020 9:20 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 49
My Healthy Live's vision.
1. Commitment for my wife. In fact I'm calling B. my wife but I never never took care to legalize our relationship - for many years. I want to ask her to marry me. I wish she would accept my proposal.
2. I will take legal steps to carry out consumer bankruptcy. This opens the way to simplify the bussiness we are running. It will be a part of the nessessary disclousere in my life. I'm sick of living double life. Or better to say double lifes.
3. I will support my children, but the urge to make up the mistakes, sometimes caused by my immaturity and in consequence by my addiction, won't stop me to set them the healthy bounderies. I want to support them in becaming mature not by pleasing them.
4. I want to focus on developing my professional carrer in order to secure financially my family. I want to take over many responsibilities related to running a business.
5. I want to spend my life giving love to my family and showing respect and honesty to my clients.
6. I want to find a fields to work for others pro publico bono.
7. I want to earn respect. I don't want to be seen only as a nice overworked guy.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 9:34 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 49
Here is the list of the values extracted from my Life's Vision:
1. Commitment for my wife. In fact I'm calling B. my wife but I never never took care to legalize our relationship - for many years. I want to ask her to marry me. I wish she would accept my proposal.
- Strengthening my role as a partner to B.
- Being dedicated
- Sense of responsibility
- Establishing a partnership with B.
- Sexual intimacy
- Sexual contact
- Feeling masculine
- Encouraging my wife's independence
- Vulnerability
- Fidelity
- Masculinity
- Feeling happy and content
- Forgiveness
- Enhancing my spiritual awareness
- Sense of humor
- Being considerate of others
- Connected to my own feelings
- Being a survivor
- Establishing my legacy
- Adaptability
- Communicating feelings
- Experienced in conflict resolution
- Accepting responsibility for living my life
- Sense of accomplishment
2. I will take legal steps to carry out consumer bankruptcy. This opens the way to simplify the bussiness we are running. It will be a part of the nessessary disclousere in my life. I'm sick of living double life. Or better to say double lifes.
- Living with integrity
- Being tenacious in my pursuit of self- and spiritual development
- Being dependable
- Being reliable
- Honesty
- Humbleness
- Being challenged; overcoming challenges
- Developing emotional maturity
- Establishing financial freedom
- Overcoming surviving personal struggles
- Feeling masculine
- Being respected
- Being considerate of others
- Wisdom
- Being a survivor
- Resourcefulness
- Establishing my legacy
- Organization
- Adaptability
- Personal independence
- Masculinity
- Feeling happy and content
- Accepting responsibility for living my life
- Be known as truthful and honest
- Feeling challenged
- Realistic
- Self-discipline
3. I will support my children, but the urge to make up the mistakes, sometimes caused by my immaturity and in consequence by my addiction, won't stop me to set them the healthy bounderies. I want to support them in becaming mature not by pleasing them.
- Sense of humor
- Being considerate of others
- Being a role model for my family
- Experiencing fatherhood
- Feeling unconditional love
- Nurturing children’s creativity/maturation
- Wisdom
- Connected to my own feelings
- Being a survivor
- Resourcefulness
- Establishing my legacy
- Instilling healthy values in my kids
- Adaptability
- Fidelity
- Masculinity
- Communicating feelings
- Experienced in conflict resolution
- Feeling happy and content
- Sense of accomplishment
- Raising a healthy child
- Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children
4. I want to focus on developing my professional carrer in order to secure financially my family. I want to take over many responsibilities related to running a business.
- Developing patience
- Developing intellectual depth
- Providing quality in my work
- Establishing competence in my field
- Being respected as a professional by others
- Staying active
- Sense of humor
- Loving others
- Striving for excellence
- Wisdom
- Connected to my own feelings
- Being a survivor
- Resourcefulness
- Organization
- Adaptability
- Personal independence
- Masculinity
- Intellectual growth, debate, communication
- Communicating feelings
- Feeling happy and content
- Accepting responsibility for living my life
- Be known as truthful and honest
- Sense of accomplishment
- Feeling challenged
- Realistic
- Self-discipline
5. I want to spend my life giving love to my family and showing respect and honesty to my clients.
- Developing patience
- Showing appreciation towards other
- Expressing spirituality in my day-to-day life
- Bringing joy to others
- Staying active
- Sense of humor
- Being considerate of others
- Loving others
- Connected to my own feelings
- Self-discipline
6. I want to find a fields to work for others pro publico bono.
- Living with compassion
- Showing appreciation towards other
- Being charitable, giving
- Bringing joy to others
- Staying active
- Being considerate of others
- Loving others
- Resourcefulness
- Organization
- Teaching appreciation for music, art, film
- Taking care of others in need
- Feeling happy and content
- Be known as truthful and honest
- Feeling challenged
7. I want to earn respect. I don't want to be seen only as a nice overworked guy.
- Showing appreciation towards other
- Staying active
- Being considerate of others
- Being a survivor
- Personal independence
- Masculinity
- Experienced in conflict resolution
- Feeling happy and content
- Accepting responsibility for living my life
- Be known as truthful and honest
- Self-discipline.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 9:37 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 49
And Here the list of Values in alphabetical order as the values for each of my life's visions topics overlap partially:
1 - Accepting responsibility for living my life
2 - Adaptability
3 - Be known as truthful and honest
4 - Being a survivor
5 - Being challenged; overcoming challenges
6 - Being charitable, giving
7 - Being considerate of others
8 - Being dedicated
9 - Being dependable
10 - Being reliable
11 - Being respected
12 - Being respected as a professional by others
13 - Being tenacious in my pursuit of self- and spiritual development
14 - Bringing joy to others
15 - Communicating feelings
16 - Connected to my own feelings
17 - Developing emotional maturity
18 - Developing intellectual depth
19 - Developing patience
20 - Encouraging my wife's independence
21 - Enhancing my spiritual awareness
22 - Establishing a partnership with B.
23 - Establishing competence in my field
24 - Establishing financial freedom
25 - Establishing my legacy
26 - Experienced in conflict resolution
27 - Experiencing fatherhood
28 - Expressing spirituality in my day-to-day life
29 - Feeling challenged
30 - Feeling happy and content
31 - Feeling masculine
32 - Feeling unconditional love
33 - Fidelity
34 - Forgiveness
35 - Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children
36 - Honesty
37 - Humbleness
38 - Instilling healthy values in my kids
39 - Intellectual growth, debate, communication
40 - Living with compassion
41 - Living with integrity
42 - Loving others
43 - Masculinity
44 - Nurturing children’s creativity/maturation
45 - Organization
46 - Overcoming surviving personal struggles
47 - Personal independence
48 - Providing quality in my work
49 - Raising a healthy child
50 - Realistic
51 - Resourcefulness
52 - Self-discipline
53 - Sense of accomplishment
54 - Sense of humor
55 - Sense of responsibility
56 - Sexual contact
57 - Sexual intimacy
58 - Showing appreciation towards other
59 - Staying active
60 - Strengthening my role as a partner to B.
61 - Striving for excellence
62 - Taking care of others in need
63 - Teaching appreciation for music, art, film
64 - Vulnerability
65 - Wisdom


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 9:43 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 49
While working on my values list I started from exemples values list. I realized then there some vital for me values not mentioned in my life's vision. So needs to be revised I mean extended.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 9:48 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 49
Replying to the recovery mentors learning to run post I need to tell I have shown my posts to my wife. I wasn't simple for me and the more it was not simple for her. I knew that was the only way to put the right basis for the RN treatment. So it must have been done.


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 11:53 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 49
The extra values not mentioned before:
- Friendship
- Experiencing uniqueness
- Curiosity
- Building things
- Appreciating natural beauty/nature
- Living with compassion
- Sharing my true self with the world around me
- Physical health


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 Post subject: "Dark Side Values"
PostPosted: Sun Feb 02, 2020 11:55 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 49
Dark Side Values bringing me to addiction behaviors:
- Putting other’s needs before my own
- Taking care of myself
- Risk-taking (danger)
- Physical pleasure
- Experiencing euphoria
- Control
- insincerity
- secrecy
- lie
- betrayal


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 Post subject: Re: Lesson 4 exercise
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2020 5:02 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 49
And here the prioritized list of my values:
1 - Accepting responsibility for living my life
2 - Establishing a partnership with B.
3 - Experiencing fatherhood
4 - Forgiveness
5 - Honesty
6 - Living with integrity
7 - Masculinity
8 - Organization
9 - Overcoming surviving personal struggles
10 - Realistic
11 - Self-discipline
12 - Sense of responsibility
13 - Sexual contact
14 - Sexual intimacy
15 - Staying active
16 - Strengthening my role as a partner to B.
17 - Connected to my own feelings
18 - Wisdom
19 - Developing emotional maturity
20 - Developing patience
21 - Encouraging my wife's independence
22 - Communicating feelings
23 - Enhancing my spiritual awareness
24 - Adaptability
25 - Be known as truthful and honest
26 - Establishing competence in my field
27 - Being a survivor
28 - Establishing financial freedom
29 - Being challenged; overcoming challenges
30 - Establishing my legacy
31 - Being charitable, giving
32 - Experienced in conflict resolution
33 - Being considerate of others
34 - Being dedicated
35 - Expressing spirituality in my day-to-day life
36 - Being dependable
37 - Feeling challenged
38 - Being reliable
39 - Feeling happy and content
40 - Being respected
41 - Feeling masculine
42 - Being respected as a professional by others
43 - Feeling unconditional love
44 - Being tenacious in my pursuit of self- and spiritual development
45 - Fidelity
46 - Bringing joy to others
47 - Developing intellectual depth
48 - Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children
49 - Humbleness
50 - Instilling healthy values in my kids
51 - Intellectual growth, debate, communication
52 - Living with compassion
53 - Loving others
54 - Nurturing children’s creativity/maturation
55 - Personal independence
56 - Providing quality in my work
57 - Raising a healthy child
58 - Resourcefulness
59 - Sense of accomplishment
60 - Sense of humor
61 - Showing appreciation towards other
62 - Striving for excellence
63 - Taking care of others in need
64 - Teaching appreciation for music, art, film
65 - Vulnerability


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2020 5:10 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 49
What led me to starting the recovery were the events from the first days of December. My wife asked me the questions about my addictive behaviors which hadn't been asked for quite a long time. And I didn't lie. As the consequence I was supposed to move from our family house and to divorce. I was decided to do so. I felt like a kind of relieved. I that moment I didn't refuse to be guilty, however I didn't see my immaturity. I was rather convinced about my bad luck in live and the addiction was in my opinion only the consequence of failed relationship with my wife. We both were very busy that time and I just postponed my moving out. I knew then for sure I needed a profound change. And that led me to decision I want to go for RN recovery treatment, but making a try with my wife at by side. She agreed, but not without hesitation.
From that time I am free from masturbation and porn watching. I still sometimes struggling with fantasy behaviors. I'm successful with stopping. I know , the only "fuel" for my short term success is my motivation but it's not the base I can build on my health, so I need to proceed with with my recovery workshop. I wrote this all to make an introduction to what I'm going to tell. For the last 2 weeks I'm experiencing some kind of emptiness. I read about it. I'm only surprised it came so quickly. It looks like feeling the lack of life's sense, like having a kind of spiritual void, a kind of inner fear and pain I can't find explanations for. What keeps me away from these feeling is I am very busy over the week. I don't know how to deal with this kind of feelings.


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