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PostPosted: Mon Aug 20, 2018 5:44 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:48 am
Posts: 14
Hi all,

So this is me.

I'm 36 years old and I have had issues with PMO (amongst other things) for about the last 20ish years.

At 15 I worked in a service station and I could rent out R rated movies and we sold x rated magazines... it didn't take me long to show an interest in that.

As I got older I was a bit socially akward and I started using IRC and online chat forums to communicate and flirt with girls which lead to dating and my early sexual experiences by way of cybersex and phonesex.

As I hit about 22ish I moved out of home and all of a sudden high speed internet was on the scene... I smashed my download limits on PMO and online chat programs which continued to be a source of casual sex for me.

In my late 20s I identified porn and chat platforms as an issue for me which I wanted to stop i had a GF which I loved and cared for by I couldn't walk away from the smut. I made promises to myself 'this time it will be different' you know the story.

In that time I have spent countless hours watching porn or engaging ladies in cybersex and phonesex is a problem which continues to haunt me to this day on platforms like snapchat and social media.

I have had issues in my marriage after telling wife in early 2016 and with a small toddler at home I just want to be the dad and husband I know I can be.

I have been doing the first few lessons of the forums and love the values stuff.

I have been a lot better lately working on my values and proactive plans. I'm still a long way from where I want to be. This website is one of the best resources I have seen online to address this stuff. Seriously bless you guys you are doing some amazing stuff.

I'm trying hard to quit and this is my story


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 20, 2018 7:00 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3848
Location: UK
Hello THtQ
Your story is so similar to that of so many
so you are not alone
you are unique but so similar to so many others who have trodden a well proven path to recovery and hence life

it can be done but equally so it can be turned away from
we addicts have all the excuses :pe:

So welcome to RN
if you really do want to improve your life and to recover from your addiction then you are at a good place to make that wish reality
Commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting and reading
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are very important and so please take to the lessons in the very near future , they should be positive and about you, looking forwards to reading them

remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

Finally
dont just try, DO
and dont just quit
CHANGE

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 22, 2018 5:06 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:48 am
Posts: 14
Lesson 10

To be honest I find the concept of 'coming clean' and full disclosure to anyone to be frankly terrifying.

Having said that in early 2016 I had tgat frank and full conversation with my family and wife about ALL my discretions.. it was a tough period but definitely a waste off my chest to some extent.

Now back to Lesson 10

I don't really have much porn etc stashed away...in 2018 all my vices can be found on the device that I am using right now...the mobile phone

I have loomed at porn on the desktop computer in the past no doubt but discretions for me always come from this phone...

PMO / Cybersex and Phonesex... those are my vices
Prior to early 2016 massage with happy ending type services... i scrapped that though cos it was REALLY detrimental to my marriage (porn is one thing, massage is new playing field). Irealise it is ALL addiction and all an issue but yeh that is my main vice... the smart phone and chat apps like snapchat, kik and other anonymous platforms.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2018 5:42 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:48 am
Posts: 14
Lesson 12:

I see myself as committed to quitting PMO, cybersex and phonesex.

In every endeavour that I truly want to chase I give it as close to 100% commitment as I can.

If it is a physical challenge / endurance race etc I will train and do as best I can.

With PMO and my vices I feel that I think about it more now than what I ever have. I am confused in myself as to why this is such an issue and why I can't get it under control. I do what I can to beat it. If I am honest I probably only give the RN stuff 70% attention. I read it and do the exercises but I accept that the change has to come from me and not a forum entry so although I draw strength from it I also draw my resources from within to a degree.

In regards to my behaviour. I can delete a browser history like a boss. This browser history deletion is a part pf thr guilty ritual after I PMO it is done during that 'next time it will be different phase' after the PMO guilt digs in.

So do I think I have what it takes to quit? I have the genuine desire and drive. Will it go away later? Maybe I can't answer that now. I ceftainly hope not. In order to not be that guy who relapses and fucks up I think I will revisit lesson 1 and see where I am at and what if anything I can do better.

I have to buy in more to the process and ake part...be active in my recovery.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 28, 2018 11:56 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 410
Hi THtQ,

You have made a couple of interesting comments including:
Quote:
I am confused in myself as to why this is such an issue and why I can't get it under control.

but you go onto then say
Quote:
If I am honest I probably only give the RN stuff 70% attention.

and
Quote:
I have to buy in more to the process and take part...be active in my recovery.

So you actually know the problem and the reason for it. If you are 100% committed as you suggest then you need to be "all in" as anything less than a full commitment will mean that you are destined not to succeed.

You concluded by saying
Quote:
I think I will revisit lesson 1 and see where I am at and what if anything I can do better.

I think this would be a good idea. If I can also please recommend that you post responses to your exercises on your thread then you might also find this to be helpful. Your thread is yours and it is entirely your choice but it will allow coaches and mentors to monitor what you are learning and more importantly points that you may have missed. For example, the whole workshop uses your vision and values as your basis of learning. You have presumably compiled these somewhere else but if nothing else I would suggest that you record these to your thread, if these aren't how they should be then you will get off on the wrong footing and many who have gone before you (myself included) have benefited from guidance from coaches and mentors in better shaping them.

Your call though, please feel free to take helpful aspects of my feedback and ignore the rest. Good luck, the choice is yours but do choose wisely. I look forward to seeing your progress.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 29, 2018 3:15 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:48 am
Posts: 14
I have decided to start theprogram again at the absolute beginning.

This time I am giving it 100%

Lesson 1 Exercises:

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are: 
1) actively committing yourself to change

I actively commit myself to change. I accept that I don't have the will power to stop this and zi require assistance. I will and I have suffered setbacks and I will not let it get me down. I will march on towards recovery.


2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change

I have been ashamed of my addiction. I have been guilty as a result of my addiction and anxious.

I realise this is a part of the recovery and the road to good health. I embrace this challenge and it won't change my resolve to quit.

3) allowing yourself time to change. 

I accept that I will not see changes overnight and I will celebrate sucesses instead of lamenting setbacks.

Statements:
- I want to be a patient and loving parent
- I want an honest and open relationship with my wife
- I want to experience life in it's absolute fullest
- I want to lead an enriched life
- I want to be free of stress and all anxiety
- I want to be the person who I know I can be.
- I want to look at the world with child like wonder again
- I want to be physically healthy
- I want to to be counted on and trusted
- i want to be reliable and trustworthy
- I want to release me and be free of this burden

Man I looked at that photo of me when I was maybe 3 with my brother. We were so happy. It is touching to be honest. We were best mates. Strange because now at age 36 I barely know him. I look back at that pic amd I see me without care or worry. I was both safe and happy. Carefree.

I will have that feeling back. That person isn't gone he just lost his way somewhere and he is finding his way back.


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 30, 2018 1:29 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 410
Hi THtQ,

Good decision to start over. That's a solid beginning to build from. Remember that you will only get out of the programme what you put into it. I am looking forward to following your thread.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2018 9:45 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:48 am
Posts: 14
Lesson 2

I want to be the type of person who is kind and accepting of everyone. I want to listen to my family and lived ones and not dismiss them or think better of them. I want to connect with them and actually hear what they say. I want to ensure that my wife and family feel safe around me and heard. I want to be able to give them empathy and for them to never feel alone or isolated with an issue or struggle. I want to be a good friend and family member that can always be trusted and counted on. I want to accept people on face value and not try to change them or impose my will or values on them. I want my children to be well adjusted and confident and encourage thrm to grow and laugh and to be creative and confident. I want to support my wife unconditionally without prejudice, bias or judgement and acvept her without question. I want to be a thoughtful and loving family man that encourages a blissful family unit. I will be a better listener. As for me I will forgive myself and use whatever time I have left on this earth to be a better person who is addiction free and accountable to myself and my family. I will take setbacks should they come with a stern resolve to continue and work towards a life without PMO, cybersex and phonesex. I have faith in my ability and trust in myself that I will beat this.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2018 3:31 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:48 am
Posts: 14
Lesson 3
Being a good parent
Being a good role model
Fidelity
Develop a deeper relationship with my wife
Being a patient parent
Being empathetic
Working on active listening
Empowering my family
Being a good family man
Being free of porn, cybersex and phonesex
Being physically fit
Being anxiety free
Being free of vices
Limiting screentime
Empowering my family
Working on worklife balance
Developing my relationship with others
Being kind to myself
Reduce my anxiety and self loathing
Having far less screen time
Loving myself
Loving others
Being considerate
Being reliable
Being open and intimate with my family and wife.
Being humble and honest.
Being a good role model
Being completely trustworthy
Being humble
Be considerate of others
Work on mental health

Things that have gotten me where I am now:
Being able to experience the forbidden
Being lustful
Being greedy
Being dismissive and selfish
Being self indulgent


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 05, 2018 3:59 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:48 am
Posts: 14
Lesson 4
Values prioritised:
1 - Patience
2 - Fidelity
3 - Develop a deeper relationship with my wife
4 - Empathy
5 - Being free of porn, cybersex and phonesex
6- Being physically fit
7 - Being anxiety free
8 -Working on worklife balance
9 - Being considerate
10 - Being reliable
11 - Being open and intimate with my family and wife.
12 - Being humble and honest.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2018 7:19 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:48 am
Posts: 14
Lesson 5

I had a look at the list that I put forward for Lesson 4.

I think the list when applied to my life as it currently stands I think it is a fair indication of what I want to work towards.

Looking forward to session 6 and beyond


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PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2018 6:07 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:48 am
Posts: 14
Lesson 6

Patience
- Realise and accept that I am generally impatient
- Consider and reflect on the source of my impatience within
- Recognise and be mindful of circumstances where I am likely to become impatient
- When dealing with frustrating people put myself into their shoes and reflect on difficulties that they may be facing in life (for example consider workload or their emotions at the time)
- Take a moment to be mindful and 'watch' my emotions as they develop.
- Revisit this post and accept that impatience and irritiability is probably due somewhat to my porn addiction.


Fidelity:
- Accept unconditionally that my behaviour of engaing in cybersex and phone sex and massage palours in years gone by have been detrimental to my marriage amd family unit in unimaginable ways.
- Without beating yourself up about past indiscretions continue to work towords a life free of porn, cybersex and phonesex.
- Discuss with trusted friends mental health issues including anxiety and depression promoting accountability and recovery.
- Not charging my phone upstairs in the bedroom (you wouldn't let an alcoholic sleep next to a bottle of rum).
- maintain physical fitness and dedication to meditation and self reflection.
-Realise that anxiety and depression fog will lift the longer I can stay away from my vices.
- Stay away from alcohol all together and lesson screen time as it leads to 'warm up' behaviour and potentially trigger me for acting out.
- Continually engage with Recovery Nation and other treatment as required including my psyc as required.

Empathy:
-Recognise that in the past empathy has not been my strong point.
- attempt to 'walk in the shoes' of the people I am dealing with to gain understanding / appreciation of their curre t feelings or position on an issue.
- Accept that all persons are going to have issues in their life just as you do and relate to them.
- Even if you don't understand that issue accept that it is causing fear, anxiety or confusion in that person and react appropriately.
- Be mindful of your body language and tone and how it will affect the situation.
- Be present and accept that much of your emotions and irritability stemms from anxiety and your own issues
- Continue to work on anxiety in your life with meditation, mkndfulness, exercise and CBT where required


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 3:49 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:48 am
Posts: 14
Lesson 6 Continued:

Being a good role model:
- As a father and a husband and a respected person in the community lead by example
- Be continually mindful of how PMO / Cybersex and Phonesex is not congruent with any of my values and harmful to my family unit.
- Accept the risk it poses to my marrisge and my ability to provide for my family
- Accept that the actions of PMO and other vices adversely affect my ability to be in a good frsme of mind. It makes me anxious and guilty and irritable. This works in badly with other goals and family time
- Accept that by getting mentally fit, losing weight and not settling for a lifetime of PMO and mediocrity that I am taking ownership of my life amd issues and addressing them which is an admirable trait conducive to being a good role model.
- Explain to other friends and family members that I am being responsible for my recovery and keeping them involved so that I can promote my health and help others affect by this habit or other issues (family / friends)
- Continue to lead, volunteer and show by example how I can recover and make myself better to empower and encourage others to tske ownership of their issues.

Active Listening:
Listen to persons without judgement and hear what they are saying
engage and repeat back to a person to ensure thry feel heard.
Follow up with relevant questions and explore topics raised by the person to encourage further disclosure and build trust with them
Check in with family and wife and set aside quality time to have conversations


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2018 10:35 pm 
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Joined: Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:48 am
Posts: 14
Lesson 7 continued

Develop a deeper relationship with my wife.
- It is not enough to accelt I have a problem. I have to make amends for it.
- Cherish time I have with her and seek her input into projects and household activities.
- Make time for her.
- Show your interest in her and give her physical affection including hugs and light friendly and intimate touches.
- Acknowledge the huge stresses that she faces at work and the pressures that my behaviour has put us both under.
- Compliment her on her life and her strength p f character.
- Continue to work on our relationship and what is important. Support her and give her time out if needed.
- Develpp trust and intimacy through mended communication channels. Tell her when I am feeling happy and keeo her included in thr loop of your emotions.
- Ask how she is feeling and continue to develop tour skills around empathy and active listening to compliment your ability to mend this relationship and the trudt issues.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 21, 2018 5:12 am 
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Posts: 14
Lesson 10 - full disclosure
- nil porn material secreted around the house not really applicable when you can stream it.
- Engage in chat / cybersex and phonesex on phone.
- Use FB and other social media platforms as a warm up activity before PMO after looking at women associates. To be honest not so common those days as I have moved away from porn a bit.
Chat is my vice, anonymous cybersex and phonesex is my issue.
In the past I have used friendships with females to fantasize
In the past I have visited massage rub n tug places which caused massive issues for me with anxiety and marriage problems.
Voyeuristic tendancies i'd say as well in terms of types of porn watched or anything amatuer def not professionally filmed porn
Most at risk of porn after alcohol consumption, tiredness or boredom. Not comfortable in my own company and likely to fill time with PMO or engaging in unhelpful behaviour
If I think of more I can post them in the interest of recovery.


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