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PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 8:31 am 
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Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2018 4:43 am
Posts: 17

Lesson 16:


Pornography has always been there for me, always. It was immediately available and I didn’t have to work at all. It was under my wish.
It provided a sense of excitement in the boring life that I’d been living. It gave me a purpose; something to look forward to i.e. the best scene or video to jerk off to. And I’d spend hours and hours enthusiastically in that pursuit.
It provided a sense of novelty. Since it had immediate supply, I could switch to new genres and watch the best part. That certainly was a great feeling; you know a certain feeling of fear and excitement.
I felt comfortable in feeling worthless. That feeling is really addictive. When I saw my friends and people I know with girls, and when I thought about the girls who rejected me. I felt kind of sad. But pornography was always by my side. Why do I need to approach women when pornography can fulfill my wish? I had a feeling of worthlessness and inferiority and when I watched humiliation videos, you feel comfortable in the situation you are in because you think the situation you are in matches well with what's happening in the video.
When you imagine having a sexual act with the woman you are attracted to, there is no risk, no validations required. The imagination gave me a sense of accomplishment, excitement and comfortable feeling of worthlessness.
Overall, the thing that I felt was wonderful even if it was only for short term. Thanks to pornography and fantasy for that. You were a part of my life before. But, in the long run, I can’t have you two. I have to move on.


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 11, 2018 5:35 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3916
Location: UK
Hello FWI
You are doing OK but perhaps you might want to pause to take stock of where you are, where you was and more importantly where you are going
Recovery is not a temporary situation recovery is real, can be frightening but certainly is worth the effort and commitment

Quote:
Pornography has always been there for me,
Why do I need to approach women when pornography can fulfill my wish?

Porn just like any aspect of any addiction is not and never can be there for you
All compulsions demand to be fed and fed ever increasingly, as addicts we sacrifice ourselves our lives our very essence to feed them

Quote:
I have to move on.
because I realize that I have a vision in my life
.
great, you said that
Quote:
pornography can fulfill my wish
and now you realise that you were simply bullshitting yourself :g: :g: :g:


Quote:
This got me thinking how about I get myself a prostitute after I am free from this addiction.


I am glad that you stepped back from this thought, believe me you know that if you did this you would get into addiction ever deeper
How would it be possible for you to reconcile visiting a brothel with

Quote:
Staying away from any form of addictions through addiction related knowledge and instead investing in productive habits.


Quote:
Love and compassion to Compatible person



.
Quote:
Addiction**: I want to avoid unnecessary addiction that can destroy my life.


Please do take your time, build your life extend your circle of friends remember that platonic relationships with girls will build your esteem and confidence, show yourself as a young man growing into maturity rather than a potential sexual predator
Quote:
I had written so many things but retained so little.


take time out you have a lifetime in front of you, use it wisely CHOOSE wisely

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 11, 2018 11:40 am 
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Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2018 4:43 am
Posts: 17
Thanks a lot kenzo for reminding me to look where I was heading. Thankfully, after lesson 11, I rejected the idea of hiring prostitute. But one thing I learned from your response is that I should have a close look at my values before acting out or even thinking of acting out. Even I already rejected idea of prostitution; I didn’t realize that it was against some of my core values. I knew it was a bad idea but I didn’t realize about the value part. I would definitely apply your advice. :g: :g:

Lesson 17:

I was involved in 2 compulsive behaviors as in
1. Masturbation through Pornography
2. Masturbation through Fantasy

1. It started mostly in my bed. When I went across any exotic youtube thumbnail, facebook pictures or when I was just curious if any new pornography was uploaded in specific website. So, it was always through sight and sometimes just plain boredom.
Once I decided to watch porn, I would open some tabs and then close my doors and curtains so that I didn’t get caught. I would orient my laptop in a way that one would only see back of my laptop if they were to take a peek.
The suspense part was longest for me and most exciting. I would begin searching for best video, scene or actress. I would look for something along the theme of what I watched last time but a bit of novelty in it. I would begin through random thumbnail clicking only those videos which I thought would be interesting. Then I would consider the angle of the shot, actress, as well as the climax. I spent most of the time searching for videos as it gave me constant high. It has to do with suspense ingredient of the cookie. I would download the videos which I thought was interesting and the video once downloaded would give me certain sense of accomplishment. Then I would transfer those videos into my mobile, with earphone plugged in so that I would not miss stimulation through sound.
Since I was into humiliation type videos, I would feel the sense of powerlessness and hopelessness. So, that sound element was very important to maintain arousal. I felt complete under their control when some best shot came. I loved the feeling of penis being fully aroused by just watching porn, without using my hand. I would frequently delay my orgasms. I didn’t use touch sensation, only used it to delay my orgasm or jerk off at the end, which wouldn’t last that much long. Most of the time, I was just looking for best scenes. And when I couldn’t control any longer or I was watching the last video that I downloaded, I would use touch sensory for stimulation. Orgasm would obviously be a great experience. As a matter of fact, I enjoyed the process, more than orgasms. As soon as orgasms ended, I would be filled with shame and guilt; sometimes not due to act of masturbation itself, but due to the type of pornography I was watching. I even cried after masturbation now and then because I didn’t like what I was becoming. That would bring new resolution for change that would on average last for 4-5 changes with minor deviations. Then again I would be bored and see erotic things on social media and I would end up binging.

2. Masturbation through Fantasy:
It is not my primary compulsive behavior. When porn was not accessible or there was some other problems, I would go to my bathroom or my bed to fantasize and masturbate. I would imagine sexual act similar to pornography I was watching. This time instead of porn stars, It would be women I know especially those I feel attractive to or most often those who had rejected me. Because that’d add the humiliation and submissive feeling I think. Not only did fantasizing those women added humiliation element for me to masturbate, but it reinforced my feeling of “Love” to those women which I could even use in non-sexual fantasy.
When I had the job done (orgasm), I would feel like shit some moments later. I had feelings such as; I would stay this pathetic my entire life. And I would never be with any women in my life.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 17, 2018 9:55 am 
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Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2018 4:43 am
Posts: 17
Lesson-18


I.

1.Jerry
I found following elements:
a.Sensory Stimulation: Masturbation
b.Danger: Taking picture in back store room.
c.Fantasy: about how the woman will react after watching the photo, possibly liking it.
d.Suspense: How will she react, how long will it take? When would she see photo? (that lead to waiting for 6-7hrs)
e.Accomplishment: After ejaculation in the given time frame.
f.Power: thoughts of having control over a situation, hoping that she’d like what she sees; Stalking.
g.Orgasm
-Time: Time taken by woman to see the photo, 3-4 seconds interval for ejaculating.
-Intensity: Ejaculating after a perfect buildup; Orgasm control; Very small opportunity to complete ritual.
-Habituation: I couldn’t find habituation element in this part.

2.Stephanie
I found following elements:
a.Past: Violently raped in sophomore year college
b.Sensory stimulation: masturbation
c.Orgasm
d.Power: over animals
e.Accomplishment: after reaching climax with her pets.
f.Fantasy: Thought that her animal love her.
-Time: the longer the session, more satisfaction for her.
-Intensity: She could only stand 2/3 laps of genital licking by her cat. Later she could stand more of the licking.
-Habituation: Masturbation in front of them => Involved cat in the masturbation act=> made it more intense=> Involved dog in sexual act
=> Involved cat in sexual act.

II.
As for me, I could make following observations:

A. Time:

a.Sensory Stimulation:
-Sight: From beginning of ritual to the end.
-Touch: occasionally while delaying orgasm or ejaculating.
-Sound: Throughout the sessions when I watched porn through mobile.

b.Fantasy (Imagery): When I wasn’t using porn, fantasy would replace sight part of pornography.

c.Suspense: Suspense part lasted long for me. When I was busy, I would just jerk off. But when I had time, I would spend 90% of time on
searching for the best video.

d.Accomplishment: I felt a sense of accomplishment as I found good porn to download and after I downloaded it. Regarding accomplishment after an orgasm, it lasted
for very short time because guilt and shame would immediately come in.

e.Power: I felt powerlessness throughout the porn sessions on mobile.


B.Intensity:
Intensity for me closely related to habituation part i.e. the more I became habituated, the more intense porn I would seek.
a.Sensory stimulation:
-Sight: When I searched for videos, I immediately went to the climax part.
-Sound: I would prefer more derogatory words from the actors on the video.
-Touch: I became better at delaying my orgasm and touching at right time.

b.Fantasy:
The intensity of fantasy depended on the intensity of porn I would be watching lately.

c.Suspense:
I spent more time on searching and on looking at climax part so that I could get constant high.

d.Power:
Previously, I was just excited. But later as I got habituated, I felt intense powerlessness. The humiliation words spewed on video was taken to me by heart. I started to take it as a part of my identity, at least until the ritual ended. It felt to me as something I could never change. That could explain another reason of why I cried sometimes after masturbation session.

e.Orgasm: Orgasm would be powerful as I delayed it for very long.


C.Habituation:
As I mentioned earlier, it was related to intensity part. Normally I would look for videos which were new to me. But sometimes when I couldn’t find best video, I would look couple of old videos which excited me despite watching them multiple times.
It started out 5.5 years ago. When I look back at the kind of pornography I started with and I look at where I am now, it’s completely different. I could never have predicted the kind of porn I’m watching. Had I ever known by any chance where I would end up if I watched porn, I would have never started in the first place.
I moved from fetish to fetish and became bored of it. Last thing I watched around more than a month ago was POV humiliation video. When I started watching POV videos, it would make me more of a participator than an observer. The feeling was powerful too. Heck I wouldn’t even be interested in watching category of fetish porn just before current category of fetish porn I was watching. . Even if it did, it felt as if something important was missing.
My god, porn is powerful thing.


Few Words:
As for my current status, I am comparatively happy and stable. When I look back what I was one month back, it seems weird man. I realize that I have changed to some extent. Regarding my daily monitoring, I haven’t looked at it for around 6 days. That’s partly a reason I was inactive in the workshop for around 5 days.
I am being more into social media for last 4-5 days and haven’t been following any plans except for morning rituals. I am starting to feel that I need to look at my value system. One of the primary values that I didn’t include and I realized it some days back is “Security”. Like how did I even forget that?? Security is primary reason I haven’t been able to choose my career yet. I will integrate that as a part of my value. That’s a primary value.
Another thing is when you start going outside and when you try to improve one of your skills, you feel a bit difficult. First, you want to improve yourself but you see people who are so good at what they do, you start wondering if you would ever reach that height. You compare yourself with them and feel inferiority complex and become angry about the time you have wasted all these years. That’s what I feel sometimes.
Finally, I have been involving myself in non-sexual or non-romantic fantasy a lot. (Eg: Public Speaking, playing guitar greatly or being a great singer.) Maybe it has become a new way for me to channel my emotions. I have been successful at preventing myself from compulsive sexual behavior. For that, I deserve a treat for myself. But I think I need to find a hobby to channel my emotions to. That’s another reason I feel angry with myself. Like how can you not figure out your hobby for all these years?? What have you been doing man? So for now, to channel my emotions, I am choosing a random hobby for me. I’ll adjust it later as time passes by. And I’m also going through previous lessons to see if I could make any adjustments. And I felt daily monitoring was a bit harsh on myself. Like after all the things you completed, what would you reward yourself with?
There has to be a reward for yourself. So for this week, I would be reviewing my previous exercises and taking lessons at heart, and figuring out hobby for myself. And I would complete at least lesson 19.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 30, 2018 7:55 am 
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Joined: Sat Nov 03, 2018 4:43 am
Posts: 17
Lesson-19

That awareness exercise was really a great experience. There’s not much to share much about that. But when you start being aware of all your rituals, you start realizing that there are some patterns to it. Even some of your thoughts after some social encounter has pattern to it. Glad that I am aware of it.
I have still not backed off. I mean I have no clue of my daily monitoring system. I promised last exercise to find hobby and refine daily monitoring system as I thought it was a burden to me. I don’t know but I just felt lazy to complete the exercises. This by no way means disrespect to this wonderful community. But it’s just that I have been busy on some things. Heck I don’t even know what I’ve been busy on. I have been using social media too much. Apart from morning ritual, nothing is scheduled. I don’t know for what reason. Thankfully, this lack of commitment for recovery hasn’t resulted in relapse. But that could be a possibility if I continue on this path. This time I sincerely promise to get committed to recovery, find my hobby, and modify daily monitoring system for myself.
I think i don't even need to modify because me planning to modify it could be equivalent to procrastination too. Heck whatever it is, I am committed this time to follow my plans.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2018 11:44 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 308
FWI,
Quote:
But when you start being aware of all your rituals, you start realizing that there are some patterns to it. Even some of your thoughts after some social encounter has pattern to it.


Very well said. Our lives are full of patterns, and as addicts this is an extremely valuable insight to deconstructing unhealthy behavior.
It is very common to experience a slowing in the momentum towards recovery. Coach Jon describes this in "What to Expect In Early Recovery". I'll post the applicable excerpt here, but perhaps you'll give this another read: http://recoverynation.com/recovery/reco ... ations.php
Quote:
Once the initial positive emotions begin to wane, the efforts that have been associated with that initial commitment become more of a chore. Events like going to meetings, completing lessons, preparing for counseling sessions — where they once provided additional energy and a sense of renewal, now drain the very energy needed to fight the redeveloping addiction. This struggle begins a dangerous test of your emotional management skills at a time when they are still significantly immature. In a healthy recovery process, this lull will be anticipated and a value-based strategy will be in place to handle it. In an unhealthy recovery, the individual will rely on his/her emotions to kick start their recovery process once more.


In regards to your comments on daily monitoring... I know they will resonate with many reading your thread. Don't forget that the purpose is not to help "keep you on track" or even keep you abstinent. It's purpose is to help you ingrain behaviors/thoughts that contribute to your values (which in turn, replace the stimulation that addiction provides and therefore impact your road to recovery). If you notice that monitoring has become a chore or more of a checklist, evolve it by tapping into the next behaviors you're looking to ingrain. Shorten it if need be, but choose things you want to ingrain and improve. Recovery isn't about eliminating addiction... it's about being your best self. How might you use monitoring as a tool to assist you? This also ties in to your interest to gain a hobby... If you took a look at your proactive action plans, what might you be willing to focus on? You know yourself best, but the action plans under your value of Intellectual Growth seem like a great place to start...

Be Well,

Anon


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