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 Post subject: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2018 3:46 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 148
Lesson 1) Motivation
I have come to realise that my behaviour is compulsive (addictive), it is a spiral I get into and hurts me and the ones I love emotionally & financially.
I have hurt my wife badly, broken her, and my reasons for this were shallow and selfish, I know I can have the emotional & sexual needs in my life from her without going outside of our relationship.
I understand that I need to “recover” the whole process is about me changing my thinking, I have never liked going behind her back, never liked lying.
I have been scared to talk about my feelings, instead used escorts to fulfil my needs
A mature me would have discussed the issues he felt!!!!
Why do I really want to change ????
The reality is ....
I need sex in my life, but the use of escorts is an emotional daydream, it is not healthy for me and the compulsion returns even when it should not be required.
I want to change for me first but obviously for my wife, I have a strong emotional urge to get our relationship back to where we were 5/6 years ago. I do not have expectations of reaching those early days of a new fresh relationship, but close would be nice.

Three Keys
1) actively committing yourself to change
I am totally committed to change - I understand the damage that it is causing me and people around me.
I am actively looking at the way I see things and going to engage in other activities, some started some planned for the future.
I go to my first SAA meeting on Thurs
I have my wife's backing
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
Guilt & Shame are at present not a sabotage but a strong desire to change, I feel them everyday, but they make me positive.
3) allowing yourself time to change.
I fully appreciate that this could take months or years to complete, to some extent my new found disciplines will have to stay always.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


Last edited by Theseus1112 on Mon Dec 03, 2018 11:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2018 3:49 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 148
Lesson 2) Vision
I want to feel happy within my relationship with my wife, to gain all the trust and friendship I have lost through my actions.
I want to be content with the rest of the family/friends. Be focused on work and all activities I enjoy. I want to take my wife out because it is good and does not feel like a chore.
I want to feel that there is no need to go outside these boundaries for my own quick fix of self indulgence.
I believe that in shutting off the compulsion for porn/sex outside of the relationship will help focus at work, be more attentive to the family and be more willing to enjoy things together with them rather than just being there as a token gesture (I feel I sometimes do that just now)

My goals

To have a loving intimate relationship with my wife
To be there for all of my family and for them to know I can be relied upon
To fill my days with activities that I enjoy, be it with my wife or alone.
To be able to afford to do things I/we enjoy.
To nurture my mind with learning about things that interest me
To feel content, in my mind to know I am loved for who I am
To stay healthy

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


Last edited by Theseus1112 on Mon Dec 03, 2018 11:59 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2018 5:57 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 148
Lesson 3) Values

MY Values
Connecting to purpose, meaning of life
1. Personal growth, development
2. Self respect
3. Sense of accomplishment
4. Taking care of others in need
5. Intellectual growth, debate, communication
6. Curiosity
7. Organization
8. Indulging in creative inspiration, development
9. Living an exciting life
10. Living an adventurous life
11. Providing quality in my work
12. Being dedicated
13. Being charitable, giving
14. Developing intellectual depth
15. Respecting Mother Earth
16. Accepting responsibility for living my life
Integrity
1. Sharing my true self with the world around me
2. Strengthening my role as a husband to my wife
3. Showing appreciation towards others
4. Being dependable
5. Being reliable
6. Honesty
7. Humbleness
8. Sense of responsibility
9. Being considerate of others
10. Being considerate of myself
11. Being judged trustworthy
12. Being respected
13. Living a humble life
14. Be known as truthful and honest
15. Selflessness/Altruism
16. Self-discipline
17. Living with compassion
Relationship
1. Developing emotional maturity
2. Forgiveness
3. Feeling happy and content
4. Communicating feelings
5. Avoiding conflict
6. Fidelity
7. Sexual intimacy
8. Feeling needed, desired, loved by others
9. Developing patience
10. Companionship
11. Feeling unconditional love
12. Intimacy
13. Sexual contact
14. Feeling sexually desired
15. Feeling appreciated
16. Loving others
17. Being loved by others
18. Communication

The dark side
No thought for others
Self indulgence
No empathy
Blinkered thoughts of nothing but sex
No thought or care of consequences

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


Last edited by Theseus1112 on Mon Dec 03, 2018 11:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Sun Dec 02, 2018 3:00 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 148
Lesson 4) Priority List.

Priority List
1. Strengthening my role as a husband to my wife
2. Communication
3. Self-discipline
4. Developing emotional maturity
5. Organization
6. Self respect
7. Being judged trustworthy
8. Communicating feelings
9. Fidelity
10. Honesty
11. Accepting responsibility for living my life
12. Sharing my true self with the world around me
13. Being dependable
14. Being reliable
15. Sense of responsibility
16. Forgiveness
17. Feeling happy and content
18. Avoiding conflict
19. Intimacy
20. Feeling needed, desired, loved by others
21. Developing patience
22. Companionship
23. Feeling unconditional love
24. Intellectual growth, debate, communication
25. Developing intellectual depth
26. Personal growth, development
27. Indulging in creative inspiration, development
28. Living with compassion
29. Feeling appreciated
30. Being respected
31. Living a humble life
32. Be known as truthful and honest
33. Selflessness/Altruism
34. Sexual contact
35. Feeling sexually desired
36. Loving others
37. Being loved by others
38. Being considerate of others
39. Being considerate of myself
40. Humbleness
41. Living an exciting life
42. Living an adventurous life
43. Showing appreciation towards others
44. Being dedicated
45. Being charitable, giving
46. Respecting Mother Earth
47. Curiosity
48. Sense of accomplishment
49. Taking care of others in need
50. Providing quality in my work

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


Last edited by Theseus1112 on Tue Dec 04, 2018 2:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2018 3:04 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 148
Lesson 5 Top 15 Values.
1. Strengthening my role as a husband to my wife
2. Communication
3. Self-discipline
4. Developing emotional maturity
5. Organization
6. Self respect
7. Being judged trustworthy
8. Communicating feelings
9. Fidelity
10. Honesty
11. Accepting responsibility for living my life
12. Sharing my true self with the world around me
13. Being dependable
14. Being reliable
15. Sense of responsibility

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


Last edited by Theseus1112 on Tue Dec 04, 2018 2:54 am, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2018 3:22 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 148
Lesson 6) Building proactive plans 1
1. Self respect
I need to learn that positive actions in life cause me to be happy within myself and negative actions cause me to loathe my inner being.
Think in advance of your actions and the consequences they will have on your own feelings.

2. Honesty
Be completely honest to your wife and everyone else, do not keep secrets.
Be honest with yourself, about your feelings, what you want from life.

3. Accepting responsibility for living my life
Stop meandering through life as if nothing matters.
Understand that everything I may do could have an effect on my future and the future of those around me. Make decisions based on cause & effect. Do not leave it to others!!

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2018 8:45 am 
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Joined: Tue Oct 17, 2017 11:22 am
Posts: 293
Theseus,

Wow! You're on fire. 6 lessons in 3 days... I can hear and see your excitement for your journey. Your enthusiasm is a good thing, but make sure to take enough time to absorb these lessons.

There are a few things that I'd recommend doubling back on:

Although the workshop isn't about just "checking the boxes and completing the exercises" the exercises do serve a purpose for you to practice and absorb the material. Would you be willing to complete lesson 1 and comment on the 3 keys to a successful recovery?

Secondly, your vision is a good start. Keep in mind we cannot achieve health if we do not first have a detailed definition of it. What does health look/feel/taste/sound like? Can you create a picture of words so that a stranger could read this and say, "wow, I really get Theseus' goals and know where he's going."

Lastly, EXCELLENT work on compiling your values. Although it may seem counter productive, it is important to examine the "dark side" values as well. Doing so gives you a beginner's understanding as to why we addicts chose our compulsive behaviors over other values. Consider adding a comprehensive list of those dark side values to lesson 3.

SO with that, welcome to RN!
The circumstances which bring you here may indeed be unique, but the path you will take to recover from them is not. What am I saying? You’re not alone in your feelings and recovery is possible.
Your firm commitment to your life beyond addiction will make all the difference—don’t forget that it is your choice. So if health is what you want, then commit to yourself with conviction and complete the exercises with absolute honesty.
Although we recommend completing around 3 lessons a week, we encourage you to read or post daily. That being said, recovery is not a race and it’s important to go a pace with which your body and mind can safely handle—many believe recovery to be a journey, not a destination.
If you find yourself challenged or have questions with one of the lessons, utilize the help forum as help is readily available.
Coaches and Mentors are likely to drop by occasionally. If they don’t, no worries, it’s generally a good sign that you’re on the right path.
So, Theseus, do you accept this invitation to your new life? The choice is yours.
May you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live with ease.

Be Well,

Anon


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2018 11:33 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 148
anon523 -

Thank you very much for the feedback and comments they are much appreciated.

Although it looks like 3 days, I have been working on them for nearer 12 as my activation had not passed and I am slightly further on than that, but also keep checking back and double checking my thoughts & feelings.

I have taken on board what you have said and will do some work on that.

With reference to the darkside, they are on my notes and I forgot to paste them over, it is done now.

Thanks again.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Wed Dec 05, 2018 4:18 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 148
Lesson 7) Proactive plans 2.


1. Strengthening my role as a husband to my wife
a) Being more attentive and picking up how she is feeling; not just about how she feels regarding my addiction, but in general, about life etc.
b) Make “US” time; go on dates, do things we enjoy together
c) Make decisions about the house, holidays etc: stop leaving it all to her
d) Be supportive, when you know she needs it, with her activities
e) Be loving: remember how much you love her and show her you do

2. Communication
a) Stop bottling up your feelings: tell your wife everything that goes on in your head, even if you know that it may not please her. Remind yourself of the consequences of not telling her.
b) Have open conversations about finances, work & any other things that become relevant you, but in the past you have kept to yourself.
c) Make more time to converse with your children, and be informed on how they are doing in their lives.
d) Regularly check on your parents; make sure that they are ok, and offer help if required

3. Self-discipline
a) Remind yourself of your values & goals; Look at them regularly and think about how to continue to achieve them.
b) Take control of your life; Stop meandering through it with no purpose. Reach your targets and then set new ones.
c) Use your time wisely: commit to working properly, put time aside for your wife, family and personal leisure activities.
d) Beware in your mind of situations that can lead to relapse and try to steer clear of them

4. Developing emotional maturity
a) Start to think like a mature adult and realise who you love and why you love them. Understand that too many times your thoughts & actions are more in line with a young adult and do not allow for the consequences.
b) Tell yourself that you do not need adolescent thoughts about sex in any shape or form; you can get what you REALLY need from your marriage.
c) Remind yourself that the love from your wife is unconditional and she will always be there for you.

5. Organization
a) Think about your life, think about the future.
b) Start to organise the way you work, especially when working from home.
c) Start to organise time with your wife: organise trips, days out etc etc HOLIDAYS
d) Give yourself daily structure, especially on week/working days, allowing for your free time activities.

6. Self respect
a) I need to learn that positive actions in life cause me to be happy within myself and negative actions cause me to loathe my inner being
b) Think in advance of your actions and the consequences they will have on your own feelings.

7. Being judged trustworthy
a) Your actions now and in the future, will prove to others that you can be trusted.
b) Be prepared to help others at their time of need without hesitation.
c) Tell my wife everything that is going on in my life, leave nothing out.

8. Communicating feelings
a) I must tell my wife everything that is going on in my head.
b) I will tell her if an urge begins to appear
c) I will tell her my feelings with complete honesty.

9. Fidelity
a) I have no reason to look outside of my marriage; everything I need is already there.
b) Infidelity causes me more pain & grief than I could ever imagine – remind yourself of these facts.

10. Honesty
a) To be totally honest to my wife; About feelings, finances, problems at work, problems at home. Any issues with others.
b) Express my emotions openly and spontaneously
c) Do not sit on your feelings; let them be known as soon as possible
d) To be totally honest to myself:
e) Honesty to all of my family.
f) Involve my wife in feelings that may not even directly affect her, but may cause me to be feeling low etc

11. Accepting responsibility for living my life
a) Stop meandering through life as if nothing matters.
b) Understand that everything I may do could have an effect on my future and the future of those around me.
c) Make decisions based on cause & effect. Do not leave it to others!!

12. Sharing my true self with the world around me
a) Never hide your feelings
b) Show people that you have empathy; do not hide it from close family
c) Be yourself: prove to everyone that you are a loving husband, father and grandfather.

13. Being dependable
a) Prove to yourself that you are a decent human being, and can be trusted with things that matter to you & the family.
b) Prove to your wife that you be there for her when it most matters.

14. Being reliable
a) Do not let yourself down, by slipping back into old, negative ways; continue to be proactive.
b) Prove to your wife and family that you can be the man they expect to see, and that you will do anything to keep them safe and content.

15. Sense of responsibility
a) Be aware of your actions; the cause & effect they will have on everyone.
b) Become more proactive in day to day things within your life, home & work.
c) Do not let the darkside take away your sense of responsibility, keep to your true self.
d) BE MATURE about your relationship with your wife and your life in general.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2018 3:02 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 148
Lesson 10) Honesty Lists
Items
Nothing kept in house or anywhere else; All cleared out before the start of this programme.
Porn sites in my head x 4. Not bookmarked. No intention of going to visit them.
Sex workers site x 1. Not bookmarked and again no intention of visiting the site.
Any registration to internet sites deleted before the start of this programme.

People
Sex workers – for physical enjoyment

Places
Internet for porn
Sex worker flats - for physical enjoyment

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2018 3:07 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 148
Side note -
I went to my first SAA meeting on Thursday and found it to be very cathartic.
I listened to others speak and then found myself telling all about my own addiction without any nerves.

This is now definitely going to be a weekly part of my recovery.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 3:44 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 148
Lesson 12) Recognizing Unhealthy Recovery Patterns

I have read all of this section and do not see myself in any of these points, but I am only 5 weeks into recovery and have also had no thoughts of relapse at all.
My major motivation for doing this for myself, but also for my wife & family and I do not see that as being wrong? But it is not to deflect attention from my past behaviour.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 4:51 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 148
13) Healthy Recovery Patterns
Early Recovery: "Understanding/Recognizing the Behavior"
• In early recovery, individuals often experience significant doubts relating to their ability to change.
• In early recovery, extremely negative emotions are the norm: especially as they relate to depression, anxiety, hopelessness and suicide.
• In early recovery, they tend to experience relief in having their behaviors understood, and immediately seek understanding in all areas of their life. Unfortunately, this tends to overwhelm them, distract them, etc., but it is fairly common...and a good sign that their desire to change is sincere.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 10:02 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 392
Hi Theseus,

Quote:
Lesson 12) Recognizing Unhealthy Recovery Patterns

I have read all of this section and do not see myself in any of these points, but I am only 5 weeks into recovery and have also had no thoughts of relapse at all.
That is fine, just be aware of these patterns in case things change down the line so that you are ready for them and can recognise them if they emerge.

Quote:
My major motivation for doing this for myself, but also for my wife & family and I do not see that as being wrong? But it is not to deflect attention from my past behaviour.
That is also fine but first and foremost you should do it for yourself and on that basis your wife and family will also reap the benefits. This is a subtle change to what you wrote but there is a world of difference - if you have a feeling that you are doing this for someone other than yourself (or even in addition to yourself) then there is a risk that you will lose interest in it because we are not doing it for ourselves. As addicts we are naturally selfish so make it about you and then others will also gain benefit too.

_________________
L2R

A clean life; a clear conscience


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 Post subject: Re: The long road ahead!
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 1:44 pm 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 148
Thank you for the pointers, they are much appreciated and I will take them on board


learningtorun wrote:
Hi Theseus,

Quote:
Lesson 12) Recognizing Unhealthy Recovery Patterns

I have read all of this section and do not see myself in any of these points, but I am only 5 weeks into recovery and have also had no thoughts of relapse at all.
That is fine, just be aware of these patterns in case things change down the line so that you are ready for them and can recognise them if they emerge.

Quote:
My major motivation for doing this for myself, but also for my wife & family and I do not see that as being wrong? But it is not to deflect attention from my past behaviour.
That is also fine but first and foremost you should do it for yourself and on that basis your wife and family will also reap the benefits. This is a subtle change to what you wrote but there is a world of difference - if you have a feeling that you are doing this for someone other than yourself (or even in addition to yourself) then there is a risk that you will lose interest in it because we are not doing it for ourselves. As addicts we are naturally selfish so make it about you and then others will also gain benefit too.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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