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PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2019 2:43 am 

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2019 11:53 am
Posts: 13
I have done a good bit of the exercises, I just didn't decide to involve the community with me. I think it's better if I post here to see if I am doing anything wrong.
Lesson 1 exercises:
A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:
1) actively committing yourself to change
2) not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
3) allowing yourself time to change.

1) The last 20 or so recovery attempts I wasn't a 100% committed to stopping my addiction(which is pornography addiction) but now, I believe it's much better to give a recovery attempt all of my effort than to have multiple recovery attempts that are half assed
2)My addiction has been going on for a while now, at the start of it I used to feel incredibly guilty for watching porn, but now I don't feel that much of emotions. But i have noticed that if I had a long streak of abstinence and have a relapse I would get a bit discouraged, so I guess I have to work on that.
3) I guess I might be somewhat impatient with my recovery process.

B.Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. Phrase these in the positive. For example: " I don't want to keep deceiving my wife" would serve you better if written like "I want to be honest and transparent with my wife". Positive statements have much more power in our mindset than negative ones. List these in your recovery thread.
1. I want to feel like a man, I can't be under the control of something, and call myself a man, if I am too weak to defeat an addiction, how will I achieve my goals?
2. I want to respect myself
3. I want to have self control and discipline, I read that every time a person indulges in an addiction the self control part of their brain becomes weaker and the compulsive part becomes stronger, I don't want to be an animal, I want to be a human
4. I want to be more energetic, porn is life sucking, when I watch porn and masturbate, it sucks out the motivation I have and energy
5. I want to stop being obsessed with porn and sex, and to stop objectifying women,there is obviously more to life than just sex
6. I want to use my time in meaningful ways, and to stop wasting time with this addiction
7. I want to become mentally tough, I want to learn how to deal with life, and to not resort to porn whenever I feel an emotion I don't like (boredom, frustration)
8. I want to live a meaningful life without hedonism
9. I want to conquer myself, and take control of my ship
10. I want to see if I can become religious once again
11. I want to have better health

PostPosted: Fri May 03, 2019 5:38 am 
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3992
Location: UK
Hi BM and now a proper welcome to RN

I do hope that you are here for the long haul , it really is worth it
using your own words
The last 20 or so recovery attempts I wasn't a 100% committed to stopping my addiction(which is pornography addiction) but now, I believe it's much better to give a recovery attempt all of my effort than to have multiple recovery attempts that are half assed

if you do not give full attention and commitment with openness and honesty then truly you might as just not bother

If you really do want to improve your life and remove those self inflicted shackles of addiction and to recover from your emotion driven compulsive behaviours then you are at a good place to make that a reality, RN can show you the way
To achieve recovery then commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand, this community is supportive to those who demonstrate sincerity in their journey
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path, you have not been abandoned

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone, many have taken the path sucessfully, your actions are yours but you are not the first and unfortunately will not be the last
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting , reading, evaluating and putting into practice what you have learned, be open be honest, nobody here will judge you
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

your reasons for change are generally solid as they are positive and about you, however I would like to have read "I will" rather than simply "I want to"

lets get committed totally committed and look forwards to being that better man
remember the only person that can make these changes is you, so the hard work needs to come from you
looking forwards to reading your posts and wishing you all the best

One point of forum management
when posting into your thread press the reply not the new topic key as this keeps your posts as one thread making referring back all that much easier

Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo

PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2019 2:03 am 

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2019 11:53 am
Posts: 13
Thanks for the tips coach! I'll take what you've said into consideration. :g:

PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2019 2:22 am 

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2019 11:53 am
Posts: 13
Lesson 2 exercises:
Write out your vision. Use any format you would like. As a general rule, the more personal, the better. Post this vision in your Recovery Thread. There is no right or wrong to this vision...though it should be comprehensive enough for a stranger (such as a coach or mentor) to read it and have a pretty good idea as to what you value and the life that you want to live.
Life vision:
I want to conquer myself, through discipline, not being a slave to my desires and to not be impulsive, not thinking only by my emotions, and truly being the captain of the ship. Becoming a true man through my actions, through honesty, humbleness, fidelity, courage and strength.
Strength which is both physical and mental, to be strong enough and manly enough to defend my future wife. I want to experience life at its fullest, to live an exciting adventurous life and to always try new things.
I want to leave an impact on people, whether it be directly or indirectly. I want to live life with no regrets. Always living life out of my comfort zone, and experiencing satisfaction. I want to be fearless, through risk taking.
I want to inspire people, to create, and enjoy life. To be a role model for people. To be the man they're trying to become. I want to have the strength to speak out, stand my ground and be confident.
And most importantly, I want to respect myself, and to be proud of the person I am. Through acting in ways that are aligned with my values and morals.

PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2019 1:41 pm 

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2019 11:53 am
Posts: 13
B. On your computer, extract the values from the vision you have created and list them. Your goal for this lesson is to create a single, comprehensive list that involves all of the primary ways that you derive stimulation from your life. Or, those areas that you want to derive stimulation from. Most lists will contain between 50-100 items. When you are done, post this list in your recovery thread.
C. When you have extracted every possible value that you can think of from your vision, do the following:

1) Review this example values list for any additional values that you may want to add to your own list. List them.

2) Consider the 'dark side' of your decision-making. The compulsive behavior. The sexual behavior. Take some time to extract the values that went into those behaviors, and list them as well.

B.) 01. strengthening my personality
02. self resepct
03. honesty
04. exercise
05. being charitable
06. being strong mentally and physically
07. ability to handle severe punishment
08. self control
09. being dedicated
10. not procrastinating
11. humbleness
12. being reliable
13. being an inspiration to others
14. creativity
15. taking care of myself
16. feeling masculine
17. world wide recognition
18. being a leader
19. being remembered
20. self discipline
21. sense of responsibility
22. fitness
23. living an exciting, adventurous life
24. developing emotional maturity
25. striving for excellence
26. be able to defend my future wife, and friends
27. treating people like how i like to treat myself
28. not exploiting women
29. being charasmatic
30. being likeable
31. being confident funny, and loyal
32. being fearless
33. creating things
34. leaving an impact on people
35. curiousty
36. Sense of accomplishment
37. fidelity
38. having boundries
39. freedom
40. humor
41. Logic
42. Accountability
43. Determination
44. Resilience
45. Generosity
46. Calm
47. Bravery
48. Tradition
49. Wisdom
50. justice

2)some of the bad values my addiction made me have
1. compulsive behaviours
2. killing of motivation
3. not enjoying life as much as i can
4. wasting time
5. giving up on goals

PostPosted: Tue May 14, 2019 7:11 am 

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2019 11:53 am
Posts: 13
A. In the previous exercise, you identified a list of the majority of your practical and universal values. Now, prioritize this list. This should take you about fifteen minutes at the most. If it is taking you longer than that, you are thinking too deeply. The deep thought was in constructing your vision and extracting the values...this is the 'easy part'. Simply identify an initial order of prioritization that 'feels right' to you.

Take a snapshot of where these values lay in terms of helping you to achieve your vision. DO NOT worry if a particular value is a few items above or below another (for instance, don't worry about choosing between 'Strengthening My Role as a Father to My Son' and 'Strengthening My Role as a Father to My Daughter'). You should be looking for a general sense of prioritization — not an exact representation. Remember that values change. Priorities change. And so, to try to imagine all possible situations for which prioritization may apply would paralyze you. So don't. Think only in the current moment — and in relation to what you believe would be the most direct path to building that vision in your day-to-day life.

B. When you have completed this priority list, post it into your Recovery Thread.

here's the list:
01.self discipline
02.self respect
03.feeling masculine
06.being fearless
07.being strong mentally and physically
08.sense of accomplishment
09.being remembered and leaving impact
10.curiosity an exciting, adventurous life
12.being reliable
15.taking care of myself
16.striving for excellence
17.sense of responsibility
30.not exploiting women
31.being remembered
32.being an inspiration
33.developing emotional maturity
34.treating people like how i like to treat myself
35.creating things
36.being a leader
37.being charismatic
38.not procrastinating
39.self control
40.strengthening my personality able to defend my future wife, and friends
43.being likeable
44.having boundaries wide recognition
I changed some of the values and removed some because I felt they were repititive

PostPosted: Tue May 14, 2019 8:26 am 

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2019 11:53 am
Posts: 13
Lesson 5:
D. Take the top fifteen values that you have currently listed and post them in your Recovery Thread. To be successful in recovery, you will need to learn to derive about 75% of your life's meaning and fulfillment from these values across any given week or so. It is okay if you are not currently doing this, because that is what the following two lessons are for: to help you develop this ability over the coming months.
Here's the list of the top 15, with some slight changes:
01.self discipline
02.self respect
03.being a man
06.being fearless
07.being strong mentally and physically
08.sense of accomplishment
09.being remembered and leaving impact
10.curiosity and learning new things an exciting, adventurous life
12.being reliable
15.taking care of myself

PostPosted: Wed May 22, 2019 8:45 am 

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2019 11:53 am
Posts: 13
So, I was motivated to stop the addiction and was committed, but then I relapsed after 12 days of not looking at porn or masturbating, and I know I shouldn't count days, and I wasn't paying too much attention to the amount of days I went without masturbating, but when I relapsed I got discouraged and I still am not able to get back on track I think it's been two weeks since I relapsed. I relapsed because I was thinking about porn, even though the craving wasn't that strong, I still relapse, I don't know why, nowadays I relapse mainly with just weak cravings and not the intense one, is it because I am just too tired to give a shit? It's always like this whenever I try to stop the addiction, I am motivated at first, and I do the stuff I am supposed to do, but then I slowly start losing my motivation, and slowly start slipping on my new routine, and it's hard to find the motivation to keep doing the things I am supposed to do, It's such a horrible cycle that can drive people to madness, so my questions are:
please, coaches I've basically tried everything, I just need a speck of hope to grasp onto. I have been working on the exercises, but I feel like i need to stop the masturbation and porn with the exercises or the exercises wouldn't be effective

PostPosted: Wed May 22, 2019 2:17 pm 
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3992
Location: UK
Hello BM

I've basically tried everything, I just need a speck of hope to grasp onto. I have been working on the exercises, but I feel like i need to stop the masturbation and porn with the exercises or the exercises wouldn't be effective

sorry but you have NOT tried
you have not even tried to honour your top values

I believe that you wrote these after your "relapse"
self discipline
self respect
.being a man
.being fearless
.being strong mentally and physically
.sense of accomplishment

my friend it is only you who is choosing to piss this "values" into the wind
yes choosing
you say that you need something to hang onto, yes but dont let that something be your acting out
what does it give you SFA
what does recovery give you?
opportunity to become the best that you can be

OK bollocking over
you say that you have relapsed relapse is to get or become worse AGAIN so you did not relapse because you never really got better, again by your own choice, you slipped and then slipped again, this can happen but slipping does not mean giving up

Get back on board, todate you have lost nothing, make your pledge to gain everything , dont feel sorry for yourself, dont give yourself excuses, commit completely, when urges come , and they will, deal with them, do something healthy, go for a walk, look at the sky,

Remember if you do want recovery then you can and will recover, but only if you strive for it
good luck

Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo

PostPosted: Wed May 22, 2019 3:58 pm 

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2019 11:53 am
Posts: 13
Thanks for responding coach,
while I had a couple of days within my relapse that I tried to uphold my top values but gave up, I was discouraged by the fact I relapsed, I think it's a kind of a snowball effect, while you could argue that upholding my values should also start a positive snowball effect, which I think it does, I don't know how to not be discouraged by the relapse as to up hold my values, and not just say fuck it, and give up. I know that mindset is destructive, and that's why I asked how to not get discouraged by the relapse

my other point was that how do I keep being motivated, so that I don't get tired from the whole recovery and relapse like I usually do, because when I relapse I feel like I genuinely tried to recover but failed.
and thanks in advance.
And before I started posting all of my lessons, I was in the fifteenth lesson I think, but when I went back to post the lessons I did I realized they needed an update, so I'm working on that. But when i did those plans before I posted on the forum I was upholding them well. But I still relapsed

PostPosted: Thu May 23, 2019 3:42 pm 
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3992
Location: UK
Hello BM
sorry but straight from the shoulder

your life, your future, your happiness your recovery or alternatively ever deepening dependence on sex is in your own hands

I asked how to not get discouraged by the relapse

simple answer is dont relapse

how do I keep being motivated,
if you dont relapse then you will feel better about yourself and likely will respect the man that you are becoming that enhances self motivation, of course the converse is also true , as you are finding out

I feel like I genuinely tried to recover but failed.


my friend perhaps stop looking to provide yourself with excuses, addicts are brilliant at excuses, I know I was
Decide what you want and then go for it

I do hope that you decide the path of recovery but wish you well in any event

Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo

PostPosted: Fri May 24, 2019 5:39 pm 

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2019 11:53 am
Posts: 13
Alright coach....,you know, is it even possible to not relapse at all doing recovery?
my questions were to help me bounce back from relapse and not binge till I lose all of my energy, obviously not relapsing is the best case scenario.
For now there is no use of just sitting there giving up all of my efforts, so i will recommit again and wait for your response. I'll try my best.
Thanks in advance

PostPosted: Wed May 29, 2019 2:29 pm 

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2019 11:53 am
Posts: 13
Lesson 6 and 7
A. Of the top fifteen values on your Prioritized Values List, develop Proactive Action Plans for two or three of the more simple ones. For instance, "Strengthening your relationship with your wife" is complex. "Developing a closer bond with 'Chewie', your dog" (probably) isn't. For now, choose 'Chewie'. Post these plans into your recovery thread.
A. Take the next week (start today) to develop initial action plans for the remaining 'top priority' values. It is essential that you develop plans for at least the top ten, but if you can reach fifteen...wonderful. These plans will be used to form the basis of your health monitoring system (which you will begin at the end of next week). Post these plans in your Recovery Thread.

01. self discipline and control
-having a sleep schedule and maintaining it
-maintaining my habits and creating new ones
a habit needs has three parts, the cue, the process and the reward.
the cue is what causes the habit to start, the the process is what you do, the reward is a reward you get for completing the habit.
when forming a habit make sure it relies on your willpower, instead of on your motivation, you literally force yourself to do a habit till it becomes automatic make sure to have no zero days, no days in which you don't do the habit, for example if you said you'll meditate for 10 minutes everyday, there might be a time where you'll feel really demotivated, so you'll at least still have some willpower to do at least one minute, and most of the time starting the habit is the hard part, not actually doing it.
-taking a cold shower every day
-creating deadlines for my goals
-trying to stop watching youtube and work
-writing a plan for what I will do everyday at the start of the day
-not procrastinating
-working out
-waking up early
-always remind myself why I want to be disciplined
-embrace the discomfort
-have higher standards for myself
-ask myself in the evening what I did wrong and what I did right and what I can improve on
-accept the past and don't dwell too much on it. Being disappointed in yourself will help you with nothing, just work
-reduce the amount of time you spend on things that overuse your dopamine receptors, ex: internet(big problem)
-Set numerous small, achievable, bite sized goals
-save money and invest, at least 10-20%
-face your emotions and understand why you procrastinate, deal with negative emotions
-System : Schedule + Timetable + Planning + Strategy + Flexibility + Adaptability
-in a system there will be two types of feedback, positive and negative. Negative feedback will tell you that your current system is too hard, for example setting a goal for running 5 km everyday is impossible since you can only run 3 km, so you change it into 3km, positive feedback is when something becomes easy for you, positive feedback means the system must change to challenge you
-make sure to always check for improvements and feedback from the system, and change it when needed, so that you can have the perfect system for developing yourself
Failure is not one dramatic fall, but a series of small failures, compounded over a longer period.
A huge part of succeeding at something is simply showing up.
Constantly be evaluating yourself
Success comes from trying something, failing and modifying the action
Organization, habits and the process of planning is actually all simply tools to clear space in your brain.
When you first wake up, try breathing faster and faster until hyperventilation. It makes your body kick into awake mode quickly
Most habits can be changed by finding the belief rooted to it and finding all the evidence you can to break it
Tell no one your goals
In a dispute, ask for proof of everything. Make the process draining for the other party if you’re in the right and they are forcing you to wade through mud
02. self respect
-this goes hand in hand with self discipline
-when I am disciplined, I respect myself, because I know I am in total control, and I don't act out impulsively like an animal.
-not watching porn and masturbating
-leading life by my values and not doing things against my values
-be proud of the person I am
-take responsibility

03. exercise
-try to eat healthy for 90% of the time, or healthy enough to have six packs
-have a routine of push pull legs, 6 times a week, thursday off
-exercises for the different muscle groups
1st: legs: do the calisthenicsmovement leg workout, which consists of pistol squats, archer squats, 1 leg glute ham raise, deep squat hold, and single leg calf raises and also I will strengthen my glutes medius by doing side lying hip abductors
2st: Core muscles(abs and lower back), for these I will use the six pack promise app
to stop the engagement of the hip flexors in ab exercises, lift your shoulder and arms above the ground so now your abs have to do most of the work
3st: Push Muscles(shoulders/triceps/chest), for these I will do dips for chest and triceps and pike pushups for shoulders or reach failure(doing pushups) then take a two minute break and do 1 and a half number of pushups I did, literally push myself through failure pike pushups(puts focus on shoulders),diamond pushups(puts focus on triceps), and wide pushups(put focus on chest) with 5 minutes rest between each set of pushups for the first two sets i will do about 80 to 90% of my max reps, but in the last set I will train till failure
4st: Pull Muscles(back, biceps,forearms), I will do pullups and chinups
Cardio: I will go sprinting once a week on my day off, thursday
notes: don't push yourself to failure on every exercise, in the first two sets, stimulate your muscles but don't push to failure quite yet, in the last one, push to failure.
for strength training there are two main concepts,
1st.Progressive overload: make the exercises harder over time
2st.compound exercises: exercises that move all of the body together
This routine will evolve along with my training
I will try to do 10-12 reps in each exercise to achieve the optimal hypertrophy range, or try to get at least 45 seconds of time under tension
04. being fearless
-live outside of my comfort zone
-do things that are scary for me and face my fears

05. being a man
Recognize the four archetypes of manliness:

The magician:it is wisdom and taking process in creation, the wise part of the king
learn new things always and try to create
go to my sacred space
The warrior: the part of the king that is the fighter, assertive the part of the king that takes action
disciplining myself
do things that scare me
meditate on death, and that i must seize the day and live evry day to the fullest
-omit needless things
-make everything count
not being a coward
-by taking up boxing

The lover:is the archetype of emotion, feeling, idealism, and sensuality it helps with creativity and passion it helps with emotional intelligence too it is the passion and excitement of the king
-use all of your senses to experience day to day things, for example i enjoy tea so I can drink the cup of tea slowly and truly feeling the taste of it

The king: which is the final archetype that a man will reach in his life, it is a perfect mixture of the other 3 archetypes
being calm and collected
-i already am calm so i just have to maintain this
being decisive
-study a decision before choosing what to do
list the pros and cons of the decisions
imagine what would happen if you chose a decision
take a 3rd person view and look at the decisions to see if there is anything else you can do if no decision looks good
reflect on past decisions to learn from them
make sure not to decide something when your emotions are all over the place, take 10 seconds to enter yourself and emotions so you can make a good decision
go with your gut if it's an on the fly decision, you might fail first but you'll get used to it
being a man of my word
-make sure to follow through with my promises, even if they are small
-understand that promises are an honor, as i have earned the respect of the people i know and they are asking me to do something
it's also a great way to show people that I care about them
-don't agree to things you don't want to do
-if i fail, take responsibility
-don't be vague in my wording, i can't say "I'm not sure but I'll try", it must be either a yes or a no there's no middle ground
-make it a habit to keep my promises and not go back on them
taking responsibility
inspiring others
leaving a legacy
being a leader
-don't make other people small, and recognize that you're like them, not anything too special
-always have skin in the game, make people feel like you're actually taking risks with them
-be consistent and don't be a hypocrite
-take blame when I make a decision that is wrong and not blame other people
-don't dwell on past failures or successes too much
-praise people if they do a good job at a given task
be specific when i thank them so they know i know what they did
-take risks
-write plans to deal with situations before they arise so that you're more calm
-criticize people calmly, and without embarrassing them, making them believe that they can do better and improve, don't be an asshole when criticizing, be polite

have order in your life and order people
-if I can do something to make my life more organized, do it immediately and generally if i want to do something I can do right now that takes less than 10 minutes, do it immediately

notes:A man should take care of his family and people and country first above all, he should sacrifice for the common good. There should be a set of common values between men.
A man should also respond to insults to protect his honor(outdated, most likely a good idea to act in a Stoic way and let the insult get to you.)
Honor in this day and age died because of a lot of reasons, anonymity:we live in big cities,with no one to shame us for our actions,diversity:which lead to tolerance and relativism and inherently compatible with honor since honor requires that the person values his own honor group instead and when someone tries to join they need to use the values of the original dominant honor group. Diversity also leads to conflicts with conscience and honor (religious beliefs)
You are who you define yourself as
Traditional honor codes are designed to motivate people to adhere to a standard that the group believes promotes its best interest. In seeking to avoid shame, group members are impelled to submerge their own personal interests for the sake of the common good. In the increasingly diverse society of the 20th century, ideas of what constituted the common good splintered. And with that splintering came uncertainty about who should be shamed or honored for what. Thus with more and more people opting out of certain provisions of the shared cultural honor code without any consequences. Which lead the other people adhering to the honor receive less honor and caused them to also break the code, causing in a loop. people became increasingly unwilling to deny their own personal needs for the good of the group. They rebelled against authority — “the man” — and the idea that a common good should be dictated. In the absence of a shared honor code and an agreed upon common good, people began to celebrate pursuing whatever one deemed to be their personal good. I’ve got my values. You’ve got your values. To each their own. Because every man has the freedom to assemble his own set of values, respect is now given to a man not based on which values he chooses to live, but that he chooses to live with values, any values, at all. Deprived of the chance to earn honor from one’s peers, but still desirous of finding meaning in life, the goal becomes selecting values that together add up to and convey a unique lifestyle – one that embodies a morally-neutral attribute: purpose we admire people with values even if we can't relate "I don't understand but I'm sure he's passionate/into it" We have lost the sense of an immediate connection between an individual’s behavior and its effect on society as a whole. A prevailing modern view is that one person’s lifestyle choices will have absolutely no effect on the lifestyle choices of another, or on society as a whole. beginning in the 20th century, with the rise of psychology and the shift to individualism over group identity, shame began to be seen as a neurosis that sickened the psyche, and as an impediment to resisting authority and following one’s personal passion and inner compass. Honor groups are inherently competitive, exclusionary, and hierarchical. There can be no true honor without the possibility of losing it and being shamed and disgraced – without the possibility of either failing or excelling a clear standard and one’s peers. Esteem and respect doled out equally to all is empty and meaningless. Or as M.I. Finley put it, “When everyone attains equal honor, then there is no honor for anyone.” a man can not fake something till he makes it, he needs to do well and try, so that he can feel good. You cannot feel good and then do well, it's vice versa, in today's day and age its seen that shame is bad and we shouldn't shame children for doing anything wrong, they always get participation awards even if they did nothing, shame is the bases for traditional honor, i would argue the lack of shame causes kids in schools to express it on each other(i have no basis for that claim), traditional honor also focuses more on the group than the individual honor mainly has to do with public reputation. you hit back, and might made right.Starting in the 19th century with the emergence of the Stoic-Christian honor code, the use of violence to maintain and manage honor began to be questioned. Self-control and self-mastery were celebrated as Stoic ideals and also essential to rising in the new economy; for this reason, violence began to be associated with the “brutish” lower-classes who weren’t interested in becoming gentlemen and getting ahead. Traditional honor seems to remind people of the horrors of war, specially that now the world is very connected and a threat of war can and probably will cause total destruction of the world. So violence is very hated nowadays, for good reason. Honor in its basic form is bravery for men, chasity for women.
Honor is based on reputation, and when people stop caring about their reputation, and shame disappears, people devolve into doing the least they can without getting into legal trouble or being fired. This leads to mediocrity, corruption, and incompetence. Shaming people for bad behavior will make the society as a whole better and more righteous.
Honor acts as a check on narcissism. when people notice bullocks, they call bullocks.
Honor creates community. A shared honor code and the reliance on mutual respect to enforce that code can bind a community together stronger than laws, rules, and regulations.
It also forces us to deal with one another and sort problems out ourselves, instead of relying on some third-party authority to resolve our problems for us. That social friction, while certainly uncomfortable, strengthens social ties because it requires us to engage our neighbors and actually be social with them.
Try to have a group of men that also want to experience honor and create an honor group
Men around us are breaking down because of the stresses of their own battles. They lack strength to deal with life’s difficulties because they don’t have honor pushing them on, and they don’t have honor because they don’t belong to a platoon of men.
the essential core of the honor code comes down to 1) not engaging in behavior that will weaken the group, and 2) having each other’s backs
Honor creates meaning
A man should be whole, he should be a satisfying mixture of soft and hard virtues, He is a loving husband and father, loyal friend and brother, and yet would also not just be able to survive, but to competently lead in a disaster, and could be called up by the military tomorrow to serve without breaking a sweat in boot camp.
for honor to exist there must be an honor group that enjoys intimate, face-to-face relationships and and a shared honor code – one that everyone in the group understands and has agreed to uphold.
for your honor group there has to be a bit of rules: DON'T ALLOW WOMEN IN THE HONOR GROUP,swear an oath,meet face-to-face,embrace healthy shame.
If you want to experience honor, you have to put the group before the individual.
true manliness means being a man of both conscience and honor
optimism is great for boosting morale, and for wanting achieve things
Anti-fragility: this is even better than resilience(which is recovering from misfortune quickly) anti-fragility is getting stronger from misfortune
-add stress in my life so I don't get comfortable
make sure to have built in ways to deal with things that are not planned for (add some free time in the week if you're scheduling your week for things that might happen suddenly)
create more, consume less
leave an impact
if you keep doing dull work loyally and cheerfully, you will become a better person, understand that every so called genius, has gone through years and years of training
Resiliency:our interpretation of events can be broken down into 3 categories
-Personalization (internal vs. external)Me/Not Me
-Pervasiveness (specific vs. universal)Always/Not Always
-Permanence: (temporary vs. permanent).Everything/Not Everything
When I face adversity I should not have an overly negative belief if possible, to do that, I need to analyse my belief
look at the evidence, alternative explanations, implications, and usefulness of the belief
I already have an internal locus of control, but I could improve it by having even better problem solving skills:
-analytical problem solving:
1.Get an accurate understanding of the problem. Ask questions, research, observe. Get as much info about what’s happening as you can.
2.What is your desired outcome?
3.Come up with two or more potential solutions to the problem. Weigh the pros and cons of each.
4.Take action.
5.Take stock of the effects of your action. What’s working? What isn’t?
6.Learn from the feedback you get. Fine tune your approach to be more effective.
7.Modify your efforts.
-creative problem solving
To stop a catastrophic chain of thinking, take a look at actually possible it is for the next link in the chain to lead to the other and even if the worst case scenario happens, have a plan for what to do.
A Me/Always/Everything approach is pessimistic(you believe you're the problem, it's going to affect you forever or a long time, and that you ruined everything)
A Not Me/Not Always/Not Everything approach is optimistic
A good way to interpret things is to interpret them In a flexibly optimistic way: You can admit it’s your fault without going farther and believing the problem is pervasive and permanent.
to be a gentleman, you need to be a man first
reduce usage of electronics to the bare minimum, this shit is probably just as bad as porn
the problem with western hedonistic society, and all fo the casual sex is that it causes us to never be satisfied with our relationships
a man must have strength of character
Your stock as a man should not be hinge upon your sexual validity in terms of nailing any hot chick that you desire. You should know who you are as a man, and you should know your internal stock. You should not be so weak and vain, that you need another sexual conquest to validate your manliness, masculinity, masculine fortitude or power in general.

Just like with everything else in life, true value and power comes from within. Its about knowing who you are, knowing your true strength and respecting and honing your personal, strong qualities.
how to stop procrastinating:
-meditate on death
-write a to do list
-write what motivated me to do stuff every time i get motivated. It will help me get motivated the next time
-eat healthy and sleep well
-look at the bigger picture, I am building habits and if I procrastinate today I will be more likely to do it tomorrow
-remove distractions
stoicism: Stoicism is mainly about being resilient, recognizing that your happiness shouldn't depend on external factors and it should depend on you, it's alright to enjoy external factors when you have them, Stoicism is a way of dealing with emotions, it's not about not caring or not feeling emotions, it's about the mind taking control of the body, disciplining one's self so that strong emotions do not take control instead of the mind
your happiness should not depend on anything outside of your control, and you be happy from inwards,and if you can control that thing you need to deal with but don't be sad about things you can't change and you should embrace adversity i shouldn't complain.
Stoicism can also be used to achieve tranquility and calm in a chaotic world, since we do negative visualization which prepares us for the actual scenario
-meditate on death to recognize the importance of time
-recognize the long term effect of my actions
-understand that I am building habits with every action I take
-have a good attitude with everything
-practice negative visualization
imagine having a disability, mental or physical, imagine losing a loved one, imagine losing your house, don't fixate on these thoughts, for there is no use of worrying about these, this exercise will make you more grateful
-take a view from above, look at yourself from a 3rd person perspective
look at your home, the people in your home, your neighborhood, your city, your country, the world, every single person in the world has their own lives and problems
-do things out of my comfort zone ex: cold showers
-strip yourself from things you normally depend on, to proof that you don't need them, you only need yourself for happiness
-review the day at the evening
ask yourself
what good did I do today, how virtues did I follow, what decisions did I do that were good
what bad did I do, did I act irrationally, which decisions were made because my emotions were all over the place,
How can I improve if I did a bad decision
-contemplation of the sage, what would my role model do in this situation
-if a negative thing happens to you, see the benefit of it, but make sure to learn from your mistakes, just don't dwell on them too much, remember, how an event isn't bad, it's the way you perceive it that makes you think it's bad
-remember if someone does something that you see as stupid or bad, know that they thought it was the best thing to do at the time, be a bit empathetic
-physical self control
-don't let yourself get swept away in an emotion, but enjoy it if it's good live and enjoy in the present, but don't dwell too much on it, remember, life is short, very short and thee universe is very massive, you are not the center of the universe, don't devalue yourself and diminish yourself, if you have a problem recognize that there has been a lot of people that had the same problem and even had it worse, if they solved their problems, you can
-you can't change the past it's pointless to worry about the past or future and i should embrace the present, don't worry about the future, but plan for it
-dichotomy of control: you have things under your control fully, others under some of your control and others outside of your control
-don't let people control your mind, remember you can only make yourself angry, don't make yourself angry there is no point if the person you're angry at isn't affect by you
-enjoy life's simple pleasures
-journal your life
everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.
I shouldn't define myself through what I have because it is never enough
Greed: the more I love money and the more materialistic I become, the more empty I will feel, i shuldn't define myself by my possessions
-be generous
-be grateful
-be careful
How to not let power get to you:
-don't let the praise of people get to your head
-I shouldn't be prideful, pride is measuring your self to others, so you become competitive with every other single person and you believe you must be better than them, it's not a good place to be mentally
-I shouldn't lose touch with the common man, it's important to not get lonely at the top
-Lead to serve
-share the power
How to not let sex destroy you:
while I still am not married and don't even have a girlfriend, this can be useful
-don't even take a step towards being unfaithful
-If I feel like the relationship is boring, learn a new skill instead of pursuing the thrill of cheating
-talk about my feelings or things that are on my mind with my partner
-spice the sex up(duh)
I should stay in a relationship that makes me feel valuable and needed and I should make my partner feel valuable and needed
eat not to dullness, don't drink alcohol
Do not speak unless you can improve the silence
Don’t unload your anger on those who are not at fault for your problem
If you have nothing substantive to add to the conversation, it is better to be silent.
To have a resolution:
-Resolve how you will act when faced with a challenge, before you are faced with it
-Be supremely confident.
-Write down your goals everyday
-Change your strategy
-Reward yourself
A man was to be both brave and moral, strong and kind, stoic in crisis and affectionate at home
a man should have chivalry
have frugality
make sure to have a worthy goal, and to plan the day, and eliminate distractions when working
don't gossip
live a life of moderation and not extreme pleasure because that leads to diminishing returns
-Stop multitasking and be present in the moment
-Delay your Gratification
-Take a fast from stimulation
-Get Reacquainted with Your Attention Span
Don't have sex with a woman before being fully committed to the relationship
Listen to people. Ask open-ended questions to get someone to talk. Why, what and how questions
06. living an exciting, adventurous life
-trying out new things when possible
-learning new skills
-hang out with friends

07. creativity
-try to schedule a time of the day in which I do something creative, doesn't have to take long 15 minutes will be enough, maybe write a short story or something
-integrate creativity in my work(which I am basically forced to do)

08. being an inspiration to others
-1.Help people
it could be simple such as helping them with a heavy load, or something as serious as depression
2.don't be an asshole to people
09. taking care of myself
-through exercise
-good diet
-maintaining good hygiene practices
teeth brushing
taking showers at least every other day
stop biting my nails
trim excessive hair

10. Sense of accomplishment
-try to at least work on the game once a week ranging from 3-4 hours of work usually in Thursday if I am in school
-work everyday except Friday and Saturday for 2-4 hours if i don't go to school
-if in school, read at least an hour in the books i haven't finished every week
-if not in school, read an hour everyday in the books I haven't finished
-maybe I could read a good story or read about recovery, just learn something new or do something that gives a sense of accomplishment

11. being remembered and leaving an impact
-be a nice person and try to be likeable
-try leaving an impact on people, I thought this would have to be when I grow up, but it can be done even when I'm young
1.Help people
it could be simple such as helping them with a heavy load, or something as serious as depression
2.don't be an asshole to people

12. being reliable
-if I'm told to do something by my friends and I agree on it I will do it (which I also already do)
this value is at 100% strength I think

13. humbleness
-maintain humbleness and don't get too full of myself
-Recognize others who have helped me on my path to success, and don't take all of the credit, it's alright to be proud of my achievements, but remember, people have helped through all of this, give credit where it's due
-don't brag(duh)
-be grateful for what i have
-nobody is perfect, I am not an exception
-don't downplay what you are capable of, humility is knowing what you are capable of, not downplaying what I am capable of
-take credit for the work i did on my own but don't toot my own horn

14. honesty
this is a habit that has been slipping over the years, and I need to reintegrate it
-maintain honesty whenever possible
-accept consequences of my actions and don't lie
-don't do actions that are going to make you lie to cover up what you did

-read more about stuff I'm interested in, I can read in fiction or non fiction it doesn't matter, maybe random Wikipedia articles till I find something that sparks my curiosity
-make an effort to find something that sparks my curiosity each day
Curiosity is very important, it helps in conversation cause you'll ask more questions and it strengthens the brain since the brain basically needs to learn new things, so it'll get better, they say it will lead to better relationships, too.

PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2019 10:29 am 

Joined: Wed Apr 03, 2019 11:53 am
Posts: 13
Lesson 8
Make a list of all the places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior. List these items and their locations in your Recovery Thread
Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object. Post this in your thread.
Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior. Post this list in your thread.

people that I use as a sexual object:

Places where I have Items stashed for the addiction:

Places where I go out to act my compulsive behaviour:
1.Internet: for porn

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