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PostPosted: Fri Jun 28, 2019 9:46 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 09, 2019 3:07 pm
Posts: 4
Response to Lesson 1 Exerciese
From reading this lesson I fall into the category of desire for change coming from too much pain and from wanting to change my life, that sense of enough is enough. I´ve had enough.

I made the initial decision and resulting euphoria for change a few weeks ago after a very painful "acting out" but recognise that I´ve fallen back into a sort of more passive state of being and back to the same compulsive thinking patterns now that the initial euphoria has passed. (I went initially to the 12 step programme but found this as well and this is more practical for me to do over the summer).
I currently feel a reluctance in me to seriously engage with this now that the pain has died away and the motivation is weak at present, I feel despondent about it. But I suppose at least I´m here doing this.
It´s as if the addiction is a part of me I don´t want to let go of fully - perhaps this answers 2 a little,

but also something is working at a deeper level as what has emerged over the last week (on retreat) is a sense of sadness for the part of me that is so desperate to be loved and be in a relationship, the fantasies about it have taken over much of my teenage and adult life. A sadness for a part of me that wants this so badly, I still currently think that I will always be this way. But there is also a sense of holding this child who wants this love so much in a wide container of compassion that is tinged with sadness.
I also regret, at having never been able to committ fully to anything in my life, a sort of half living if you like, waiting for a future to arrive that hasn´t arrived.

Spending last week on a retreat, I also saw really clearly, much clearly than ever before, the fantasy life I choose so often to be in and that by engaging in it I was missing out on real life that was going on elsewhere.

However, emotionally I feel very well and the usual loneliness and emotional pain that has accompanied me my whole life regarding being "alone" is not here, for now, it is gone and I feel whole and happy in myself.

15 reasons to change my life:
1. I want to live fully in reality, not in a world that´s not real (fantasy world)
I want to experience a full and real intimacy with myself, be enough for myself, just me
2. I want to experience real intimacy with another human being one day, to experience a real relationship
3. I want to find and live for real motivations and values that are my own
4. I want to depend solely on myself for happiness, not on others
5. I want to feel incredibly proud of myself for trying to live my dreams
6. I want to find intrinsic motivation to do the things I love
7. I want to find out what are the things I love, important to me, value, interest me and make me happy
8. I want to be fully present to the people I love
9. I want to be fully present to myself and to my life
10. I want to engage in behaviours with men that see them as human beings first, rather than potential partners
11. I want to walk down the street or any other environment without scanning for good looking men
12. I want to use my free time to do the things that I enjoy and help me grow, rather than obsessing about being in a relationship
13. I want to learn to feel excited about all the different areas of my life
14. I want to find a way to be more motivated and disciplined to do things in my life that are important to me
15. I want to committ and follow through on activities and pursuits and achieve them via regular, daily practice or study of those activities.
16. I want to complete this programme.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2019 2:05 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 147
Hi Jaqbert and welcome to RN.

Quote:
I made the initial decision and resulting euphoria for change a few weeks ago after a very painful "acting out" but recognise that I´ve fallen back into a sort of more passive state of being and back to the same compulsive thinking patterns now that the initial euphoria has passed. (I went initially to the 12 step programme but found this as well and this is more practical for me to do over the summer).
I currently feel a reluctance in me to seriously engage with this now that the pain has died away and the motivation is weak at present, I feel despondent about it. But I suppose at least I´m here doing this.


My advice is to dive into this workshop, get yourself involved in lessons and read others experiences. The point of it is to prepare you for when the urges come back, if you are complacent now then you will slip next time it happens.

Quote:
Spending last week on a retreat, I also saw really clearly, much clearly than ever before, the fantasy life I choose so often to be in and that by engaging in it I was missing out on real life that was going on elsewhere.


This is such a true statement for so many of us and good one to remember.

Stay strong

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 03, 2019 5:23 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3844
Location: UK
Hi Jag
I add my welcome to that of Theseus
and add
for change you do need commitment, RN is not a one stop fix all course but it is a great roadmap and I believe that anyone who really does want recovery can achieve it
IMO addiction is not a sickness it is a weakness
if you really do want to improve your life and remove those self inflicted shackles of addiction and to recover from your emotion driven compulsive behaviours then you are at a good place to make that a reality, RN can show you the way
To achieve recovery then commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand, this community is supportive to those who demonstrate sincerity in their journey
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path, you have not been abandoned

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone, many have taken the path successfully, your actions are yours but you are not the first and unfortunately will not be the last
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting , reading, evaluating and putting into practice what you have learned, be open be honest, nobody here will judge you
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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