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PostPosted: Sun Sep 22, 2019 8:27 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 01, 2019 9:39 pm
Posts: 3
Well, here goes. I’m finally ready to put it out there. I’ve been doing the lessons, and keeping my exercises in a folder, but now it’s time to go public. As you will see when you read this missive, I’ve been acting out a LONG time - I’m 75. So here are my responses to the first lesson:

1 - I am finally ready to ACTIVELY commit to changing my life in such a way that I no longer have ANY desire to act out. I have removed the blinders and can now see how incredibly much this has cost me in my 75 years. I am so thankful to have found this site. I have never told ANYBODY about my addiction - there is tremendous shame about it. Everything I have read on the site makes a lot of sense especially the parts about Active recovery and truly being what I WANT to do for myself.

2 - Even though I mentioned shame above, I am not going to be dwelling on guilt or shame, because acting out was part of my old life. By concentrating on learning to grow up emotionally, and learning to live a full, honest life, I will be overcoming this addiction.

3 - I realize this will take some time and I am fine with that. It has taken me 62 years to get to this place, so I don’t expect an instant fix.

The incredible vulnerable, innocent little guy I see in my early pictures, really tugs at my heart. He is a really nice looking kid too. When I was that kid, I didn’t think I was good looking at all - nose too big, etc - and I didn’t think girls would be attracted to me at all. Thus spake my inner blossoming addict.

———————

When I wrote those lines above a week ago, I was CONVINCED I would never act out again. I felt Strong, Committed and Powerful. But, alas, yesterday my wife went out with a friend for 3 1/2 hours,
and I lost it. I didn’t go as far down the hole as I usually do, but only because I could not get the Tor browser to work (my higher self possibly cheering from the sidelines, helping me out?). Anyway, I feel horrible that I lost it again after 18 days, a recent record. So, it’s time to REALLY do the lessons, and put it out there to you guys and gals.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 22, 2019 8:41 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 01, 2019 9:39 pm
Posts: 3
Here is some more input for Lesson 1: parts B & C

1 - I want to be the honest person my wife thinks I am
2 - I want to continue working on my relationship with my wife
3 - I want to be totally free of my compulsions
4 - I want to become an empathetic/compassionate human
5 - I want to stop my internal judging of myself and others
6 - I am going to get things done in a timely manor
7 - I am going to pursue my Spanish study
8 - I am going to spend more time on my music - sax, EWI, guitar, piano
9 - I am going to continue working on my Inner Bonding lessons
10 - I am going to continue my Win Hof course
11 - I want to totally connect when I am talking with someone
12 - I am going to spend the former acting out time learning about and discovering myself
13 - I want to be emotionally mature
14 - I am going to continue improving my diet
15 - I am going to be a better friend to my friends
16 - I want to live an honest, non-dual life
17 - I want to be in touch with my Divine Guidance at all times
18 - I want to really know my inner child and my inner loving adult

——————————

When I look at the ENORMOUS role my addiction has had in my life, I am stunned and embarrassed.
I, of course, started with magazines, in 1957. Over the years, with the growth of the internet, I’ve switched to online porn, always looking for new pictures, feeding the addiction, and going after the dopamine rush. The strength of the desire has gotten incredibly strong these last few years


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 5:32 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3844
Location: UK
Hello Know

Quote:
I want to be the honest person my wife thinks I am

Sounds so easy, but then why is it so hard?

Are you sure that she sees you as you think that she does?

Honesty is such a fundamental building block in the foundations of our journeys
I am not suggesting that you dump your history and issues on her but please do not drip feed, I did and it cost us both beyond all belief

I guess that she knows or that you believe that she knows nothing of your acting out, if so please consider confiding in her, if you do you are more likely to gain her support and even trust,


If you really do want to improve your life and remove those self inflicted shackles of addiction and to recover from your emotion driven compulsive behaviours then you are at a good place to make that a reality, RN can show you the way
To achieve recovery then commit , fully and completely
work through the lessons and understand them , if you miss something ask on the help forum , assistance is always on hand, this community is supportive to those who demonstrate sincerity in their journey
coaches and mentors are likely to drop by occasionally but if not, don't worry as this is generally a good indicator that you are on the right path, you have not been abandoned

the path is long and difficult but it is well proven and you are not alone, many have taken the path sucessfully, your actions are yours but you are not the first and unfortunately will not be the last
we usually suggest completing about 3 lessons a week but spending time every day posting , reading, evaluating and putting into practice what you have learned, be open be honest, nobody here will judge you
get to know your addiction and see yourself with honesty and openness

remember to work at your own pace and its not a race indeed some consider recovery to be a journey rather than a destination

good luck

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 25, 2019 8:27 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 01, 2019 9:39 pm
Posts: 3
Kenzo,

Thank you so much for responding to my post! I feel heard, and that is new for me with regard to my addiction. I'm quite sure my wife knows that I act out, but not that I am addicted - I myself hadn't admitted that to myself until recently. Our relationship has become so much better recently due to my work on myself, and she is finally gaining back her trust in me. At this point I'm not ready to come clean about my addiction and I see you feel that is a mistake. I am thinking deeply about it. I'm not saying NEVER, only not quite yet. I want to get some time clean, actually a great deal of time.

Anyway, here is my work for lesson 2:

In writing out my life vision, I have to fess up to acting out again, when I had thought that all of that was in the rear view. The past two days I have been back to acting out. When I get triggered, so far, it has been impossible to not act out. To stop myself from acting out is akin to going outside in hurricane Katrina and trying to light a candle. I had 18 days clear when I was not even slightly tempted to act out. I want to get back to that mindset, but right now, I am discouraged. My life vision includes doing the work here at RN so that I can finally become the man I truly want to be. It looks like there are some pretty well laid out footprints for me to walk in.

What I want for my life is for me to be an honest person with NO secret life. I recently finished an Inner Bonding course offered by Margaret Paul on the Inner Bonding website, and it has been very helpful in discovering some deep issues in my life. Following are some of the things I want in my life:

I want to be an emotionally mature man.
I want to be able to feel empathy for others.
I want to follow through on anything I commit to.
I want to be a responsible man
I want to be a man with total integrity
I want to be a truthful man
I want to be a man dedicated to my wife and our happiness
I want to be a totally open man
I want to be a compassionate man
I want to be a considerate man
I want to show kindness to all people, animals and every living thing
I want to be a perfect partner for my wife, Annie
I want to be in touch with my spiritual center at all times
I want to be a faithful friend to my friends


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 26, 2019 5:05 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3844
Location: UK
Hello KNN

Quote:
I am addicted - I myself hadn't admitted that to myself until recently.

It comes as a shock doesn't it, but that discovery, admission and acceptance can be a positive when you choose to change

Quote:
I see you feel that is a mistake

What I feel matters not, you are your own judge and jury
What matters is that you become the man worthy of her love and trust

You made the start, this community is rooting for you so no more slips, get to it

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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