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PostPosted: Thu Dec 05, 2019 2:48 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 195
Quote:
Today I relapsed again.


Hi Nathan,

First of all your honesty and the fact that you are posting the relapses here is a positive.

Quote:
Exploring myself I was kindly wondering about the causes that lead me to the relapse, the core of it might be the avoidance of responsibilities, I am maybe engaging many activities during my day and I think they are making me feel overwhelmed some times.


The first part of this whole workshop is about exploring yourself and learning how to break down the parts that cause you to act out.
I would say that you are very early into RN, you are doing well with your posting, so keep going with the lessons and hopefully you will start to see a clear path to a healthy recovery. :g:

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 07, 2019 8:29 am 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 26
Update of my proactive plan:

Improve planning/increase my productivity
* write a to do list in the notes of my phone with 3/4 items for the next day
* Try to complete the to do list
* Have a monthly check up to see how I did
* Set a goal for every month, something not to complicate and that is practically doable and makes moe move forward and closer to my goal e.g. In my case (to know by the end of the month all the deadlines of the universities I am gonna apply for, or the cost of the fees etc.)
* Apply the rule of 5 mins, If a thing takes me 5 mins to get done, do it right away without putting it in the to do list

1 love myself
* do not blame myself for the bad choices made in the past (everytime this thought comes to my mind)
* Take some pride in the things I do and reward myself for my successes (a good meal, few hours of relax, watch a good series etc)
* Take some time during the day to forgive myself and stay in contact with my bad thoughts welcoming them


7 Resilience (staying strong when a failure occurs or when I fail a challenge).
* don’t judge myself for the bad outcome itself
* Accept the unpleasant thoughts that will come (shame, anger, fear etc) and welcome them without judgement
* Don’t binge (in case of masturbation for example) and if I do, do not judge me as a looser or a person that is doomed to fail hopelessly
* Try to understand the reasons behind the failure (what triggered it/brought me to act out that way)
* Do not compare myself to the others and my life to the others’
* Write down my feelings/emotional state

Emotional independence and balance
* Try to make decision for which I don’t rely fully or put all myself in the other person’s response
* Don’t let the emotional side take over the rational side when it comes to make decisions
* Picturing in my head scenarios of activities that make me happy even alone
* Put friends over girls even though I have the opportunity of having sex with the girls


10 letting go of worries for things are not on my control
* take 5 to do mindfulness meditation every time I am overwhelmed with some unpleasant thoughts
* If i cannot do to so because I am driving or with other people etc accept the thoughts, welcome them and put the focus on something that makes me stay present (smell, body sensations etc.)
* Find a practical thing to do (check the to do list for example) to shift my attention to something concrete


2 Determination in Decision Making
* Use the pomodoro technique to deal with a decision making moment
(Sit down and set a timer where for
25 mins I think intently about that decision I have to make, then 5 minutes break, 25 of focus and so on), I am satisfied with the result or I feel I made progress
* Write down a pro and cons list and update it if I have any insights
* Write down a list of all the possible questions or doubts that are involved in the process of take that decision
* Look up the answers (either on google, ask to people I know etc.) to those questions

Wisdom
* Outward wisdom: Take 15 minutes each day to read or spend that time learning something new (a language, an instrument, a topic of general knowledge, politics and so on)
* Inward wisdom: Take 10 minutes at the beginning and at the end of day for mindfulness meditation, explore my sensations and emotions

Feeling masculine**
** This one is a bit difficult, especially since I am strongly against stereotypes and I think the definition of masculinity is mainly given by society and since I am struggling with HOCD (which is also a symptom of my core made of insecurity and emotional unbalance)
* Don’t compare myself to other men and think that I am inferior for some reason (look, physical aspect, strength, sexual performance, tastes in women and superficiality in relationships
- Especially try to see my emotional intelligence and sensitivity as a strength rather than a flaw.
* Try to find my identity and Idea of a man seeking values inside me rather than trying to fit in stereotypes that come from out of me. Here I am gonna try to define some sub values. I want to be a man who:
- Respects women instead of trying to control them
- Is self confident to a point that is not afraid to share is sensibility and true self nor to be judged to be not manly enough
- Seeks real intimacy and connection with/to women even if it happens to be a ONS (and doesn’t try to fulfill with sex an emotional void in hope to balance out his feelings)

Altruism**
I think I am already doing well with this value so I want to keep up and refine:
* Understood the the importance of gratification, do good deeds for improving others’ life/ situation and not for having a “thanks” or a “ you are great “ said back.
- Acknowledge that a positive feedback after helping someone feels good and its okay that it feels good, but in cause that doesn’t occur, focus on the good I brought with my action
- In case I feel down for people not showing me their thankfulness, accept that feeling of delusion and not let it turn to frustration, remembering a good deed is a good deed, period.
* Acknowledge that helping people doesn’t always mean to explicit what you are doing and understand they some times might not understand or even be mad at me.
* Don’t give back hatred to hatred, try to break this circle at least in your small reality of things.
* Empathy: let go of feelings of resentment for the others and understand which emotions might have driven them to act out in a certain way

Disclaimer: it is important that the value of altruism, does not clash with the value “love for myself”


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 07, 2019 5:36 pm 
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Joined: Sat Nov 02, 2019 8:58 am
Posts: 18
Nathan046 wrote:
Today I relapsed again.

This time it tackled me more than the last one, also because it is relatively close in time.
Shame is stronger and also the bad feeling all afterwards, but I am gonna take it in a mindfulness way and explore these feelings and emotions.
It is hard of course not to dwell in what I have done and I was disgusted of myself and of what I’ve watched right afterwards, but I am using my list of values as an anchor, in particular “being free of judgment towards myself” so I am holding on them to find clarity when I think I al getting lost.

Exploring myself I was kindly wondering about the causes that lead me to the relapse, the core of it might be the avoidance of responsibilities, I am maybe engaging many activities during my day and I think they are making me feel overwhelmed some times.

This workshop, learning a language, some physical exercise, and a course on course era on “learning how to learn”.
Since I am going for the approach of the to do list, I put in it the items that I want to check off everyday, but I’d come to term with the fact that is not enough to put an item in for it to be accomplished, If I take a look at the lists I have done lately there are some items that I keep dragging every day.
So I should really peel it off all the unnecessary, get it more practical and organize my self up a in a more efficient way.
Especially some tasks such as “check the opportunities that university in this city can give you” or other things from this workshop, overall everything that requires me to interact with the my inner core, causes me emotional imbalance.
So it is perfectly consequential that when my brain detects “uncomfortable tasks” , it inputs me to take on of the shortcuts.

Bottomline is, maybe I should spend a bit of time trying to figure out how to make my to do list work better and how not to get overwhelmed by the tasks that I assign me, maybe finding a system of prioritization of the items or trying to understand what I really want to do and what not, getting my focus on less things but done better.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 08, 2019 4:23 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 195
augustus wrote:
Nathan046 wrote:
Today I relapsed again.

This time it tackled me more than the last one, also because it is relatively close in time.
Shame is stronger and also the bad feeling all afterwards, but I am gonna take it in a mindfulness way and explore these feelings and emotions.
It is hard of course not to dwell in what I have done and I was disgusted of myself and of what I’ve watched right afterwards, but I am using my list of values as an anchor, in particular “being free of judgment towards myself” so I am holding on them to find clarity when I think I al getting lost.

Exploring myself I was kindly wondering about the causes that lead me to the relapse, the core of it might be the avoidance of responsibilities, I am maybe engaging many activities during my day and I think they are making me feel overwhelmed some times.

This workshop, learning a language, some physical exercise, and a course on course era on “learning how to learn”.
Since I am going for the approach of the to do list, I put in it the items that I want to check off everyday, but I’d come to term with the fact that is not enough to put an item in for it to be accomplished, If I take a look at the lists I have done lately there are some items that I keep dragging every day.
So I should really peel it off all the unnecessary, get it more practical and organize my self up a in a more efficient way.
Especially some tasks such as “check the opportunities that university in this city can give you” or other things from this workshop, overall everything that requires me to interact with the my inner core, causes me emotional imbalance.
So it is perfectly consequential that when my brain detects “uncomfortable tasks” , it inputs me to take on of the shortcuts.

Bottomline is, maybe I should spend a bit of time trying to figure out how to make my to do list work better and how not to get overwhelmed by the tasks that I assign me, maybe finding a system of prioritization of the items or trying to understand what I really want to do and what not, getting my focus on less things but done better.


Hi Augustus,
Not sure what you are posting here? but it is RN policy for no one other than coaches and mentors to post/reply on other members threads.

Quote:
Just a reminder:

Know that while you are welcome to review other people's Personal Healing/Recovery Threads for possible insights and experiences to apply to your own healing, you are asked not to post directly into another person's healing/recovery lesson response thread.

Hugs -

Coach Sue

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 08, 2019 6:18 pm 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 26
1 ) Today I had a binge session, I am aware I can’t move forward until I find a strategy for emotional management and I find better schedule for my days.
Procrastination was the cue, I had to accomplish 3 tasks:
Study French, Today’s recovery nation’s lesson, an other lesson on a course I am following on course era.
I felt again overwhelmed (and disorganized at the same time) and after a certain point my brain switches to the mode “can’t help this anymore” and I know it is just gonna happen.
I a now a bit stuck because I went from a 15 a days streak to a 3/4/5 the last two times I relapsed, I don’t mind the streaks but for statistics, this rings a bell;
maybe the rush of the initial enthusiasm is fading off and I have to compensate with a proper working strategy.
My top priority now is to find a working schedule, one that works and helps me out.
So that’s what I did today I created a note of a grill like an excel paper and broke it down in periods of half an hour, for all the 7 days of the week.
This way my brain has to do less work and I’ll use less will power to make decisions on what to do, cause I’ll just follow the schedule and know what to do each moment off the day, ergo I’ll have more willpower to fight the urges and I’ll feel less lost and disorganized.
I am trying to tackle the root-cues this way and hope it gonna work.
I know that it can and will happen that I will be unavailable to do certain things, but is the concept and its practical translation in my life that matter, not if I accomplish everything 100%.
For example now I am not trying to do everything everyday but I reserved 4 days a week for recovery nation’s tasks and autonomous study of French only the days I don’t have the lessons, in addition for the moment I removed the push ups from my schedule.
I need my week to be more organized, It is still not an automatic process if have to think “what do I do now?” Every moment of the days.
I feel of course bad for relapsing but I don’t have anymore the feeling of “my life goal is to cure my addiction/ heal from HOCD” but my life goal is to find my path and improve my lifestyle, so it hurts when I catch myself relapsing, but it has been more of on the side than it was before.
Of course I have many doubts on if I am doing this the right way (I know there is not an objective right way) and doubts and insecurities overall about myself and stuff, but I am holding onto my values and keeping walking to my goal (without obsessive hurry so that I can enjoy the journey as well).
I know that this is a personal perspective, but I start to believe that this journey is also about learning how to love yourself, and that for me is the best part.
2 ) This previous days I read and tried to understand lesson 12 about the unhealthy recovery patterns, I am still processing it and I don’t know really yet where I’d fit myself and since not asked I won’t try to do that.
Something that I do know is that I can identify many of those behaviors with mine, some from each category.
From 1 and 2 they were more in my early stage of recovery and they kept going for really long.
I don’t remember if I mentioned it before but It is the second time that I am trying this workshop.
When I started I wanted to cure desperately the consequences of my addiction, have better sex quality and performance.

I can’t really stress enough how big is this mistake and how wrong is this approach.

I started to grow emotionally on this after some work with my therapist, and then I found out that I am like a Russian doll:
I’m made of 3 layers:
Outer layer: porn addiction, developed for some kind of emotional unbalance and void and was a strategy that I used not to think about my HOCD
Middle layer: HOCD also here my therapist explained me that this kind of issues don’t even have much to do with one’s sexuality, but it was the result of an identity crisis, and once again (same as addiction) is a “tool” that I developed to cope with my inner layer.
Inner layer: identity crisis and emotional imbalance and void.
This is my core, something that maybe I didn’t even realize to have but I found out later on.
Both the porn addiction addiction and HOCD are awful things and pains in the ass, but apparently for my brain they are something easier to deal with that my core of uncertainty and imbalance.

In other words it is easier to process and to deal with layer 1 and layer 2 than layer 3.

Even after having this insight I think I wasn’t really ready for change, here’s where I found the similar aspects with category 1 and 2.

Yeah because after trying, and having the rush of enthusiasm , when that fades off I think I got frustrated for not seeing or receiving
immediate benefits.

Of course I wanted to heal my PIED and to get better on those sides, so I thought do I really have to wait so long to achieve my goal? And if my goal is only that what can I do meanwhile? How can I keep myself busy and with what activities?
I tried to engage in some activities like push ups and meditation, great activities without doubt, but If decontextualized and without a deep change of mindset and life goals, are like tape that tries to stick with sand: the chemical reaction of gluing is happening, but on what is that tape attached? Not something solid for sure, and if you try to unstuck it, it will come easily off bring with it the sand grains.

Now I still have doubts and insecurities I am not treating my recovery for granted but I do have more awareness, and since when I decided (without the influence of anyone else) that I wanted to have a change of lifestyle, more solid goals and a healthier and more practical life, it’s that I started to spot some similarities with categories 3 and 4.

As I said before now for example also the relapses hurt less (more in a different way) because I m focused on changing my life. Also I am finding myself more committed to the workshop overcoming the excuses of “but I don’t know if I should do it like this”, just trying to do it and to move forward with the awareness that I can adjust and update later. I don’t want to be static anymore.
On the other side even though I am trying to get my best out of the lessons and to get them practical and apply them to my life, I am not perfect with the lessons and I might reviewing them more often and check my list of values daily and ask myself, “am I applying those values today?” And try to monitor my progress and this kind of things.
In conclusion I am gonna try to take the best from this lesson and to adjust the aim working harder on the flaws typical of category 4.
All this without being to strict with myself and trying to love me.


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 09, 2019 6:37 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3893
Location: UK
Hi Nathan

Quote:
do not blame myself for the bad choices made in the past


what about in the present?
Quote:
Today I had a binge session,


or the future?
if not you then who is making these negative choices
you do get to choose there is no addicted Nathan if you choose there not to be
choose but choose wisely as you are accountable for your choices

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2019 6:27 am 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 26
Lesson 13
Es 1
I’ve identified some patterns both from the 1st and 2nd category.
* From the early recovery category, even though I am experiencing them more rarely (especially after bad relapses) there are doubts about my ability to change and the bad emotions, but that’s not ordinary, I don’t think I’ve particularly have experienced some of if since when I started the workshop, still I can Identify myself in that.

In the middle recovery items is that ai identify myself most:

* Acceptance of the immoral behaviors [Self acceptance] in the past and effort in change the present.[Mindfulness, living the present moment]

* Wanting to live a life that I am proud of, [self pride] more than an illusion (even though it still seems far).

* Try to make decisions on the believe of the right thing [Integrity] rather than what I think I can get away with[Honesty].

* Yes also achieve the knowledge that It doesn’t matter if actions are right or not as long as I have the right intentions in mind , but even more than that, the knowledge that doing something with a genuine effort even if unsure if is correct or not, is better than not doing anything at all [Productivity, Will to change].

* Shift the focus on building new healthy patterns [Health] rather than merely destroy the old unhealthy ones.

* Perceive powerless as a temporary term for lack of skills. [Trust in oneself, Trust in the future]

* Take a long hard look at anything associated with the destructive past and removal of all of it. [Determination]



- I know and I am aware that I am not the only one in this situation and that I know other struggle with this issues, but still I tend to feel a bit isolated in my fight for health, not if I think about other people in the World but if I compare to my friends or more tangible realities that I see around me.

- I also see my future as the one of an healthy person, I know and firmly believe is gonna happen and that keeps motivate me, but it is still difficult to visualize it.

So I felt to put this two last items on the side.

Lesson 13 es 2.

Uncertainty (doubts about my possibility to change)
Guiltiness (Bad emotions after relapse and overall for having acted out in the past)
Emotional unbalance
Emotional void
Crisis of Identity
Procrastination
discouragement
Disorganization
Lack of vision (general in life and more practical on how to manage day to day life)
Feeling of being static

Self acceptance (acceptance of the immoral behaviors in the past)
Mindfulness (living the present moment)[effort to change the present]
Self pride
Honesty
Integrity (especially in decision making)
Productivity
Trust in one self and in the future
Determination
Health

So If I compare this good and bad values with my list of prioritized values,
I am doing good with the awareness and exploration of the feelings part, maybe even with the motivation, but what I think I miss is something about self confidence and confidence in the future or that I can make it.
About the organization, productivity and time management I can’t absolutely say that I mastered but I’ve prioritized it and I am working on it day by day.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 11, 2019 10:18 am 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 26
Daily monitoring list
1 Did I try my best to check off all the items of my to do list/calendar?
- if not, did I acknowledge awareness of the reason ?
- Which elements distracted me from doing that?
- Which activities was I trying to avoid?
what was I trying not to think of?

2 Did I engage in any compulsive behavior today?
- If yes, did I maintain an awareness of the elements involved?
- Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual?
- Did

3. How would I describe my overall emotional balance and stability at the moment?

4. Did I put my best effort in avoiding lies, partial truths and omissions during the interactions I had with people today?
- Have I been a sincere friend, can I say the others perceived me the same way that I perceived myself?
5. Have successfully managed my emotions not letting the practical decision I made today, unbalance my stability?
- Have I acted out in a way that I could avoid emotional unbalance ? (Avoided to be too straightforward and overwhelming with a girl, avoided to outburst rudeness with a friend when I a was angry at myself etc)
6 Did I take few minutes to take prides in my accomplishments of today?
- In case I didn’t manage to accomplish anything, did I research what held me back from accomplishing them, without judgment and with genuine drive for self improvement? Or have I been just harsh to myself without any constructive propositions?

7 Did I judge myself overall today?
- If yes, how?

8 Have I done one deed to improve someone else’s mood/day/life?
Examples (Listened to someone that needed to vent out, asked someone how are you and actually meant it, called my mom not for money or practical reasons etc

9 Did I take few minutes for establishing, if out all of the decisions that I made today, I did the right thing over the easy thing?


10 Did I confront people (if needed to) standing my ground and caring for my own interests even if hard to communicate?


My 5 minutes a day will be at the end of the day

Please if some coach or mentor is reading this I would really like to have a second opinion on this list, I know there is no right or wrong list to do and what is right for me might not be for some others but I would like to have some guidance on this and to if more or less I centered the point.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 11, 2019 10:21 am 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 26
Update of my proactive plans:

9 Improve planning/increase my productivity
* write a to do list in the notes of my phone with 3/4 items for the next day
* Try to complete the to do list
* Have a monthly check up to see how I did
* Set a goal for every month, something not to complicate and that is practically doable and makes moe move forward and closer to my goal e.g. In my case (to know by the end of the month all the deadlines of the universities I am gonna apply for, or the cost of the fees etc.)
* Apply the rule of 5 mins, If a thing takes me 5 mins to get done, do it right away without putting it in the to do list

1 love myself
* do not blame myself for the bad choices made in the past (everytime this thought comes to my mind)
* Take some pride in the things I do and reward myself for my successes (a good meal, few hours of relax, watch a good series etc)
* Take some time during the day to forgive myself and stay in contact with my bad thoughts welcoming them
* Do not judge myself either positively or negatively when a intrusive thought occurs, take a breathe, let go of the thought and become present again


7 Resilience (staying strong when a failure occurs or when I fail a challenge).
* don’t judge myself for the bad outcome itself
* Accept the unpleasant thoughts that will come (shame, anger, fear etc) and welcome them without judgement
* Don’t binge (in case of masturbation for example) and if I do, do not judge me as a looser or a person that is doomed to fail hopelessly
* Try to understand the reasons behind the failure (what triggered it/brought me to act out that way)
* Do not compare myself to the others and my life to the others’
* Write down my feelings/emotional state

Emotional independence and balance
* Try to make decision for which I don’t rely fully or put all myself in the other person’s response
* Don’t let the emotional side take over the rational side when it comes to make decisions
* Picturing in my head scenarios of activities that make me happy even alone
* Put friends over girls even though I have the opportunity of having sex with the girls


10 letting go of worries for things are not on my control
* take 5 to do mindfulness meditation every time I am overwhelmed with some unpleasant thoughts
* If i cannot do to so because I am driving or with other people etc accept the thoughts, welcome them and put the focus on something that makes me stay present (smell, body sensations etc.)
* Find a practical thing to do (check the to do list for example) to shift my attention to something concrete


2 Determination in Decision Making
* Use the pomodoro technique to deal with a decision making moment
(Sit down and set a timer where for
25 mins I think intently about that decision I have to make, then 5 minutes break, 25 of focus and so on), I am satisfied with the result or I feel I made progress
* Write down a pro and cons list and update it if I have any insights
* Write down a list of all the possible questions or doubts that are involved in the process of take that decision
* Look up the answers (either on google, ask to people I know etc.) to those questions

Wisdom
* Outward wisdom: Take 15 minutes each day to read or spend that time learning something new (a language, an instrument, a topic of general knowledge, politics and so on)
* Inward wisdom: Take 10 minutes at the beginning and at the end of day for mindfulness meditation, explore my sensations and emotions

Feeling masculine**
** This one is a bit difficult, especially since I am strongly against stereotypes and I think the definition of masculinity is mainly given by society and since I am struggling with HOCD (which is also a symptom of my core made of insecurity and emotional unbalance)
* Don’t compare myself to other men and think that I am inferior for some reason (look, physical aspect, strength, sexual performance, tastes in women and superficiality in relationships
- Especially try to see my emotional intelligence and sensitivity as a strength rather than a flaw.
* Try to find my identity and Idea of a man seeking values inside me rather than trying to fit in stereotypes that come from out of me. Here I am gonna try to define some sub values. I want to be a man who:
- Respects women instead of trying to control them
- Is self confident to a point that is not afraid to share is sensibility and true self nor to be judged to be not manly enough
- Seeks real intimacy and connection with/to women even if it happens to be a ONS (and doesn’t try to fulfill with sex an emotional void in hope to balance out his feelings)

Altruism**
I think I am already doing well with this value so I want to keep up and refine:
* Understood the the importance of gratification, do good deeds for improving others’ life/ situation and not for having a “thanks” or a “ you are great “ said back.
- Acknowledge that a positive feedback after helping someone feels good and its okay that it feels good, but in cause that doesn’t occur, focus on the good I brought with my action
- In case I feel down for people not showing me their thankfulness, accept that feeling of delusion and not let it turn to frustration, remembering a good deed is a good deed, period.
* Acknowledge that helping people doesn’t always mean to explicit what you are doing and understand they some times might not understand or even be mad at me.
* Don’t give back hatred to hatred, try to break this circle at least in your small reality of things.
* Empathy: let go of feelings of resentment for the others and understand which emotions might have driven them to act out in a certain way

Honesty:
* Avoid omissions, lies, partial truths and side ways to out-pass the obstacles
- Try to make sure that even if the perfect words that I thought in my mind are to hard to say or would create too much unnecessary discomfort, the message the other people receive is coherent with the one I wanted to communicate
- In order to achieve the item before, honesty with my self (don’t try to make things sound better, find justifications etc.)
- Have well clear in mind the difference between the right thing and the thing that would get me away from that situation
* Do not thrash talk of friends behind their back
* Be honest to strangers even in perky situations
* Communicate my opinion when requested to be honest without fear of the consequences

Authenticity :
* do not have fear in the others’ opinion over my opinion
* Do not have fear that a way that I act out in might be judged negative
* Be the change I want to see in the world (starting from small practical things)
* Being sincere

Be courageous and start off new activities
* Try to be more of a yes man
* Start playing the ukulele from Christmas on
* Accept to do things that get me out of my comfort zone
* Be receptive and open to opportunities, in life and daily


Disclaimer: it is important that the value of altruism, does not clash with the value “love for myself”

P.s. I realized my list would work better with the value “being free of judgment towards myself” as a sub-value of the value “love for myself”.
So In my top 15 now I added “be courageous and start off new activities”


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 12, 2019 3:15 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 195
Nathan046 wrote:
Daily monitoring list
1 Did I try my best to check off all the items of my to do list/calendar?
- if not, did I acknowledge awareness of the reason ?
- Which elements distracted me from doing that?
- Which activities was I trying to avoid?
what was I trying not to think of?

2 Did I engage in any compulsive behavior today?
- If yes, did I maintain an awareness of the elements involved?
- Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual?
- Did

3. How would I describe my overall emotional balance and stability at the moment?

4. Did I put my best effort in avoiding lies, partial truths and omissions during the interactions I had with people today?
- Have I been a sincere friend, can I say the others perceived me the same way that I perceived myself?
5. Have successfully managed my emotions not letting the practical decision I made today, unbalance my stability?
- Have I acted out in a way that I could avoid emotional unbalance ? (Avoided to be too straightforward and overwhelming with a girl, avoided to outburst rudeness with a friend when I a was angry at myself etc)
6 Did I take few minutes to take prides in my accomplishments of today?
- In case I didn’t manage to accomplish anything, did I research what held me back from accomplishing them, without judgment and with genuine drive for self improvement? Or have I been just harsh to myself without any constructive propositions?

7 Did I judge myself overall today?
- If yes, how?

8 Have I done one deed to improve someone else’s mood/day/life?
Examples (Listened to someone that needed to vent out, asked someone how are you and actually meant it, called my mom not for money or practical reasons etc

9 Did I take few minutes for establishing, if out all of the decisions that I made today, I did the right thing over the easy thing?


10 Did I confront people (if needed to) standing my ground and caring for my own interests even if hard to communicate?


My 5 minutes a day will be at the end of the day

Please if some coach or mentor is reading this I would really like to have a second opinion on this list, I know there is no right or wrong list to do and what is right for me might not be for some others but I would like to have some guidance on this and to if more or less I centered the point.


Hi Nathan,

Your first attempt at a daily checklist looks fine for now. This is a fluid part of the workshop and can change as you need it to change.
As it says in the workshop it is meant to keep you focused and only you can see if it is helping you, if not, make the adjustments required.
it is a great tool!

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 14, 2019 2:20 pm 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 26
Less 15 excercise:
So I wanted to talk about the things I’ve learnt thanks to this workshop and not only, so since when I started to seek genuine and full recovery.

First important thing is that my addiction and HOCD are a symptom of the problem and not the problem itself, that wasn’t absolutely obvious at the beginning, but absolutely great to discover, so I found out about my crisis of identity because I don’t know what to do in life and what to identify myself with (like doctor, lawyer, student, and so on) and my emotional unbalance, the thing that I am afraid to stay alone and don’t know how to manage the problem of loneliness for example.

recovery nation gave me a further precious insight, when I read the lesson that defines the traits of love obsession, so when one confuses the phase of infatuation with deep love.
I tend to idealize a possible partner and let my mind run about romantic fantasies , attributing her all the good qualities and being too much into her for no rational reasons (if not indeed the fear of loneliness) and just because she lets me do that.
So from that point starts the phase or obsession, for example when texting and I want desperately to know what she thinks about me and she always has to prove me her love/care or I feel down.
So it grows bigger and bigger and I eventually do something to sabotage myself because maybe, I don’t know, it would get me out of a stalled situation.

Also I’ve learned about the different patterns of recovery, what are the solid foundations that should feature one, and what are the common mistakes or excuses we tell ourselves.

Last thing I want to report, is that one of my main troubles is with mistakes, and there is a really thin line between judging oneself and giving a free pass for relapses with the excuse that I am weak or ill or wrong so I can’t help but do that.
Coach kenzo made me think that being healthy is also a choice and it is right not to judge me the past deeds, but also equally important to be responsible of the choices we make in the present and the future. This last thing is something I specifically want to work on at the moment.

I’ll keep working on myself and walking to health.


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 15, 2019 5:08 pm 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 26
Lesson 16 exercise

I think my addiction helped me to manage life, in particular my emotional life.
I bonded with my addiction, I developed with her ( choice of the pronoun on purpose) those feelings that I was suppose to develop with a girl, for a girl.
How did it help me then? Well not making me take a risk, exposure and all those forms of confrontations that I am really vulnerable of!
I started my sexual life late compared to my peers, I was 21 and I’m 23 now, because I never felt the need to, I had everything I possibly needed and not even needed to work to get it.
That’s what I was compensating the inability to manage feelings of rejection with or insecurities and other things, I realize now that I had build an empire in my dreams, where I was a god and invincible as long as I didn’t go back to reality.

I can see how deep the difference was, when I started my first sexual experiences with my first girlfriend, I had damaged my body and brain to a sever point, I couldn’t feel anything.

But I don’t want to loose the focus on the exercise so yeah, my addiction had the positive function to help me manage my feelings, of rejection, insecurities and all the rest, and also to keep me in the bubble so that I would not expose myself to risks or failures.

Recovery nation is helping me to understand that I wasn’t doing this only with my sexual and romantic life, but I was tending to fantasie overall having an illusion to be in control of my life, but it was totally fake.

I am gonna bring this up to the next session with my therapist and I’ll keep posting in my thread.

But I feel really happy for the insight, that I had already but is taking a more defined form,
Thank you RN.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 18, 2019 9:28 am 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 26
Exercise 17
A ritual that I engaged in:
Pretty much throughout my teen years I use to collect pictures of women of all ages during my time at school or at work, then go home and masturbate to porn videos.
I had a gradual escalation both in intensity of the fantasy and of the genres of porn.
So if at first I used to masturbate to videos and to get satisfaction from that, soon enough that would not do it anymore so I had to vision fetish videos and to apply those fantasies to my “real existent women photo book” (that I had in my head) it could be teachers, class mates, my mother’s friends, neighbors and so on.
Then the scenarios in the porn video’s wasn’t enough, something fixed and unchangeable, I didn’t excel maybe in any of the things I wished to in life, but I was an expert of finding those videos, so soon enough I knew all the materials online about my categories.
To provide myself the boost, I had to rely almost entirely on fantasies with existing women that I was making become mistresses and pornstars.

So I would say that in this ritual (collecting material during daily life -> masturbating to porn/getting the inspiration for fantasy with the material previously collected)
Fantasy played a really important role,
Orgasm for sure, sensory stimulation, accomplishment is important to mention to, but also suspence, because I think that this element was the sidekick to the main hero/villain fantasy.
I used to edge for really long times and wait for the perfect orgasm, the more it lasted the more I could escape from reality.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 19, 2019 6:54 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3893
Location: UK
Hi N
some good work well done :g: :g: :g:

Quote:
t one of my main troubles is with mistakes, and there is a really thin line between judging oneself and giving a free pass for relapses with the excuse that I am weak or ill or wrong so I can’t help but do that.


being aware of a weakness provides the opportunity to turn it into a strength

Quote:
it is right not to judge me the past deeds, but also equally important to be responsible of the choices we make in the present and the future.



we are responsible and accountable for our past, but we need to ensure that guilt does not hamper the way forwards or provide excuses for failing to progress
own your past
keep working on and then appreciating the new and improving you

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 01, 2020 10:11 am 
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Joined: Sun Nov 10, 2019 9:39 am
Posts: 26
This post I want to be a stream of consciousness, some thoughts and considerations on this last period that I’ve been missing from RN.
I’ve been at my parents place in my home country and hometown for holidays.
First thing that I want to say, is that I’ve put on hold RN exercises because I wanted to “take a break” from all the activities of life management and stuff, so that I could focus on “relaxing during holidays”.
It actually goes beyond recovery nation, I decided I wanted to take a break from my routine, (from meditation, from learning French, from coursera and so on)
Now I feel like saying it was a mistake, so if someone is reading my thread now, I recommend not to do something like that.
You shouldn’t really take a break from this because it is the new core of your life, it won’t help you to be more relaxed, actually the opposite;
It gets you more disoriented and confused.
I stopped using my daily monitoring list so I was lacking of guidance and I worsened the ingraining of such values in my life, something that it is way easier through the daily check up, and pushes me to be motivated and on the watch.
So I’ve definitely learnt a lesson, doesn’t matter how overwhelmed I might have felt, dismissing RN exercises and other items of my routine didn’t make me more relaxed, just amplified the sensation of void within me, making me more vulnerable to emotion, hence making me shift from value-based-decisions to emotional-based-decisions.

One the mistakes and not value-based decisions was to drink and smoke weed more than I should have, (it goes against the value “health” in my list, according to which I should never get to the point that I am compromised or wasted).
That got me paranoid about things, made my HOCD spike and since I was without guidance, I managed my stress with the shortcut of porn and masturbation, hence relapse.

Although this, this last period has been really good for my path to health and transition to a healthy life, I’ve broken one of my longest streaks of days without porn.
I was also able, through the foundations built here, to distinguish the moments when I was acting out a compulsive behavior and the moment when short of the initial enthusiasm rush, I was feeling that sensation of emptiness and void within me.
That void and emptiness was leading me to cope with the stress and with the weight of that void, through compulsive behaviors, and when this happens and my guard is down (no RN, meditation other activities from the routine) relapse is certain.

So my final picture this is just a hitch, a relevant one, but still a hitch, in period that has been good more or less.

There has been an other component that added complexity to the scenario, I met a girl on Tinder, and I am really into her.
She is confused about the feelings for me and I thought I had a take on her position, but I actually don’t.
At first she didn’t want to kiss me, then she said she likes me, then she was confused and said that it was hard to say at that stage.
Thing here is that I’ve done this according to my values, I didn’t pursue casual sex and I had a great connection with her.
I asked myself more than one time “okay, so do you really like this girl, or is it just because you don’t want to be alone?”.
To identity if I really had a genuine interest in her as a person or if I was emotionally relying on her cause “she let me do so”.
I came up with the conclusion that I do like her, but it is a early stage of things so I would like to give us a shot and see how it develops, more than try to predict the future or dwell on possible scenarios.

This anyway, made me really unbalanced emotionally, to the point that I was using to much of “fantasy”, as a compulsive behavior to cope with stress and to get lost in a different world so that I didn’t have to face real, practical problems.

Now I decided to cut thing down a bit with her, cause it is useless to discuss about “us” topic with her before meeting her in real again.
Also thinking that I have been genuine with her, trying my best to equal the way I am with the way she perceives me, but If things don’t go as I hope, it’s not a drama, let time decide and if it is meant to be, it will be.
I’ve tried my best and I am proud of what I’ve done so no regrets at all.
This past weeks I’ve been acting or tried to act, according to my values and that gave me a lot of stability, yesterday it happened what it happened, but still the trend is positive and many time I successfully managed to manage my stress in different ways than masturbation with pornography.

I can’t be tired of say how important to me was coach Kenzo’s answer to my post, on the importance of choosing to be healthy, that’s what I’ve done and what I’ll keep doing, not being a victim of the events!

Soon I’ll be back with exercises!


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