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PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2020 8:29 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 195
Hi Sperans
And welcome to RN.

Quote:
For the last 2 weeks I'm experiencing some kind of emptiness. I read about it. I'm only surprised it came so quickly. It looks like feeling the lack of life's sense, like having a kind of spiritual void, a kind of inner fear and pain I can't find explanations for. What keeps me away from these feeling is I am very busy over the week. I don't know how to deal with this kind of feelings.


That void will continue until you fill it with healthy living.
This is where your goals and values have to kick in, they will take you away from that void and towards life with sex addiction.
I cannot tell you how much this workshop will help you, but hopefully you will see for yourself.

It is good to hear that you have abstained from your compulsive behaviour and long may it continue :g:

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 08, 2020 12:13 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 27
My top 15 refined value list:
1 - Accepting responsibility for living my life
2 - Establishing a partnership with B.
3 - Experiencing fatherhood
4 - Living with integrity
5 - Masculinity
6 - Realistic
7 - Sexual intimacy
8 - Strengthening my role as a partner to B.
9 - Adaptability
10 - Feeling happy and content
11 - Instilling healthy values in my kids
12 - Intellectual growth, debate, communication
13 - Living with compassion
14 - Personal independence
15 - being shameless and provocative


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 08, 2020 12:44 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 27
While talking to my wife I can see how seriously she is struggling with my addiction. On one hand she doesn't believe in my success in recovery. On the other hand she doesn't want to experience to get hurt again. Sometimes the tiniest misunderstandings lead to pouring the whole ocean of hatred and grief on me. I can understand what is going on with her, but it is not easy for me. The more I don't have proper facilities to defend myself from addictive acting out.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 13, 2020 2:58 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 195
sperans wrote:
While talking to my wife I can see how seriously she is struggling with my addiction. On one hand she doesn't believe in my success in recovery. On the other hand she doesn't want to experience to get hurt again. Sometimes the tiniest misunderstandings lead to pouring the whole ocean of hatred and grief on me. I can understand what is going on with her, but it is not easy for me. The more I don't have proper facilities to defend myself from addictive acting out.


Hi Sperans,

I understand the situation that is going on with your wife and have experienced very similar with my W too, in fact it is still going on to some extent, but I would say that the frequency is now a lot less.
What I would say to you is, I felt in my early stages that I would use every tool available to keep me on track, and seeing W so hurt and in pain just made me more determined.

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 15, 2020 6:10 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 27
Theseus1112 wrote:
sperans wrote:
I understand the situation that is going on with your wife and have experienced very similar with my W too, in fact it is still going on to some extent, but I would say that the frequency is now a lot less.
What I would say to you is, I felt in my early stages that I would use every tool available to keep me on track, and seeing W so hurt and in pain just made me more determined.

Thank you for your support Theseus. I really appreciate any response to my posts, especially when I'm writing about my daily experiences. Thank you very much.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 15, 2020 6:11 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 27
Proactive Action Plan: Masculinity
- checking local oportunities for going to gym
- telling the truth to my beloved ones in any circumstances, especially to B
- while beeing together with B I'm going to be genuine sincere
- all everyday ongoings will be discussed with B on the regular basis every evening, even the shameful ones
- I will not be kind to my daughter's teachers more than necessary
- I will set the bounderies to my cousin who want to meddle in my family’s affairs
- While making decisions about my family I don't owe my cousins any explanations only because I'm younger.
- I'm having some concerns about my mother, who lives far away from me and who needs some support from me because of her age but I'm not going to discuss this matter with anybody except for my wife

Proactive Action Plan: Feeling happy and content
- get up earlier to have time for beeing alone and set up my mind to be gratefull for my life
- asure my family how much they are important for me
- stay focused on my here and now instead of analyzing my past that cannot be changed;
- refrain from negative remarks about the people I don't apreciate, even it is so
- while talking about daily ongoings always to see "bright sides of live", even if a specific situation may be seen as a kind of defeat;
- see eventually setbacks as new oportunities to grow and share them with B in any situation


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 17, 2020 5:45 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 27
Proactive Action Plan: Accepting responsibility for living my life
- to talk about all significant ongoings with my partner at least before going to bed
- to stop manipulating myself if it comes to the ongoings I want to cover, by calling them unsignificant
- to be straightforward when talking about the situations which show my immaturity or negligence
- to refrain from using the words softening the facts I wish, they had never happened
- to fix wrongs done, even if facing the victim of my wrong doing is necessary
- to confess my resposibility for my addiction when necessary but to not use it as an excuse for my laziness


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 20, 2020 4:32 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 27
Proactive Action Plan: Establishing partnership with B.
- setting up the fundamentals of communication
- Share with absolute honesty - absence of secrecy;
- Express my emotions openly and spontaneously
- Work on expressing myself without any delay, without taking time to prepare the verbal content I want to submit
- Express my emotions with vulnerability
- Monitor B. for signs of frustration and work to overcome this, not get drawn into it; by looking for way to reach her emotionally, refrain from flattery
- Monitor myself for signs of frustration; while expressing negative emotions to base them on the here and now situation
- Initiate meaningful communication on a daily basis, but always on the same day, not later than in the evening on busy days. Don't sit back and wait for B to do it
- Answer B's questions with more than one or two word responses; Don’t change subject if not convenient for me
- Sit down with B every assigned day of the week to prioritize home maintenance/chore issues
- Use maturity in problem solving each issue
- Need to set aside certain times of my life to do what needs to be done so that such a burden doesn't fall to my partner, without gratitude expectations from her side
Support, encourage B. with her health issues:
- Be patient with her whimsical nature when it comes to taking prescribed medicines or following the medical recommendations
- Showing acceptance and love while she is struggling with her doles
- Showing interest and support while B is showing her plans for renovating the house or when discussing the plans for holidays


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 20, 2020 8:49 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3893
Location: UK
Hello S

you wrote
Quote:
While talking to my wife I can see how seriously she is struggling with my addiction. On one hand she doesn't believe in my success in recovery. On the other hand she doesn't want to experience to get hurt again.



T responded saying he has similar experiences, well I believe that this will be true for most if not all SA in a relationship

Quote:
My wife discovered my addiction or better to say my second life about 12 years ago.
I tried with the treatment for porn and masturbation adicts almost 8 years ago. I gave up the therapy very soon.


so from the shoulder should you be surprised by her fear, her doubt, her questioning, ?No



Quote:
I can understand what is going on with her, but it is not easy for me.


I suggest that you concentrate on your recovery, be supportive in her healing, but let her set her own pace

You are guilty but you know that already so , for now, put that guilt to one side and prove / demonstrate change
RN can and will help and guide but the drive needs to come from you , your positive start herein demonstrates to me that you are up for this , so keep that going
:g: :g:

does she know that you are here, is she getting support from the good side of the RN programme?

I hope so :pe:

finally


Quote:
to confess my resposibility for my addiction when necessary but to not use it as an excuse for my laziness


I wish that this had read

to confess my resposibility for my addiction at all times and to not use it as an excuse for anything

I hope that you take this reply as being positive and wish you well in the continuation of your journey

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 22, 2020 11:27 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 27
Kenzo thank you for all your comments.
Sometimes I'm struggling with some language issues as English is not my native language. I'm referring to my clumsy sentence quoted by you and reinterpreted properly.


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 22, 2020 11:53 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 27
Proactive Action Plan: Experiencing fatherhood
- set the healthy boundaries to my 14 year old daughter
- refrain from raising my voice when my daughter failed to fulfill her chores
- show my love being affectionate for her
- take my time for her even if I'm not able to follow her interests or I don't understand her teenage slang and it takes quite a long to get what she really meant
- find a common activity which may be performed on regular basis; need to experiment before I find one
- be consistent in my expectations from her
- be consistent when it comes to keeping promises I made
- show her myself as a person who is not only struggling with his life but is also happy and content
- support her even if she shows reluctance and stubbornness
- set new responsibilites according to her age


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 22, 2020 12:22 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 27
Proactive action plan: Living with integrity
- show other people your respect but not flattery in every place: gas station, caffe shop;
- don't use a lie as a common tool in business conversation
- always try to help those who need help; not to judge people in order to refrain from helping
- tell the extended family what is my true opinion when they feel authorized to give me advice
- put my best effort at work and refuse to cut corners in my work
- take my time to listen to people, who I don't agree with


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PostPosted: Sat Feb 22, 2020 12:44 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 27
Proactive Action Plans: Realistic
- stop dreaming your teen dreams as I stopped with my sexual fantasies
- before falling asleep think about exciting things waiting to be made the next day
- do not transfer your unfulfilled dreams to your children; let them be themselves
- stop traveling in time; I can't change the decisions I had already made
- live here and there: the key for my future is now


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 Post subject: Being away for a while
PostPosted: Sat Mar 21, 2020 6:26 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 27
It's 4 weeks since I posted last time. There are so many things happened in my life and many of them have had dramatic impact how my life looks today. I'm writing today to share with my considerations about how should I go on with my self therapy after such a long break.
Couple of day after my last post my wife had a heart attack. It happend at night. We spend the whole night in emergency department then the surgery over the day in a hospital in another town, total headache with work and additional duties. I had to take over additional work, visiting the hospital, and dealing with my teenage daughter at the same time. It may sound strange but it was the best time to have a heart attack for my wife. Of course I don't mean it wouldn't have been better, it hadn't happen at all but I just take into consideration that many hospitals in my country have been transformed into the temporary infectious diseases hospitals and patients have to wait for life saving surgery. The hospital where my wife's surgery was carried on has been transformed in such a hospital and most of surgeries have been postponed to the time the epidemic will cease. So, for the moment I just try to see the bright sides of life.
I can see I could keep writing about recent events from my life but what my main concern is, how my selftherapy is supposed to look like now? The absolutely honesty with my wife is the base of the therapy. But what in case of a relapse, I mean in case of the relapse of my addiction behaviours what may happen over the treatment. I can't keep her away from the negative incidents. And I have to protect her from everything what can make harm to her as all violent emotions are not necessary welcome. I'm doing my best to give her support and love. I don't want to use this situation as an excuse to living my hidden life. Sometimes I just don't know what to do.
What I'm going to do is to go over what I posted already and to start from the very point I stopped. And just let the things happen.


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 05, 2020 5:42 am 
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Joined: Sun Dec 29, 2019 5:39 pm
Posts: 27
Proactive Action Plan: Sexual Intimacy
- Find 15 minutes everyday for an exclusive conversation.
- Giving 10 minutes massage before going to bed.
- Contact with B over the day and communicate her how you care about her
- While sharing your emotions, fears always show the bright sides of every situation.
- Find 5 minutes for uninterrupted minutes staring into each other’s eyes without talking.
- Every night expressing gratitude for at least one thing B. did for me during the day.
- Tell B. about the plans for your future together.
- Playing guitar and sing in the bedroom.
- Touching each other over the day as often as possible not only “kissing and goodby”
- Texting or sending voice messages via What’s up even you are in the next room as most of professional task is done online nowadays.


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