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 Post subject: deleted
PostPosted: Mon Feb 24, 2020 10:08 pm 
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Last edited by Ed1043 on Thu Feb 27, 2020 4:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Lesson 18
PostPosted: Wed Feb 26, 2020 3:13 am 
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Understanding Addiction III: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_018.php

Continuing the cookie analogy from the previous lesson: to know which ingredients make up the best cookies is not enough. You must also know
- how long to cook it for (time),
- the amount of each ingredient to add (intensity),
- the types of sprinkles or frosting you add when you get bored with the initial ingredients (habituation).

The three filters are
    * Time: each person has their own threshold of how much stimulation is generated 'per session'. some take 10 minutes, other can indulge in their compulsive behavior on hours at a time (like Jerry in example)
    * Intensity: The amount of experience, or mastery, involved in the behavior. (e.g. setting up a fantasy scene inside your head the way that stimulates you best, finding the porn video of your genre, etc.) anyone can create the elements, but the more skilled a person becomes at doing this, the more stimulating the experience will be.
    * Habituation: How often you engage in your behavior ; the more you do it, the closer you are to saturation point .and the more 'frosting' you add in to intensify it

Lesson 18 Exercise:

I. Consider the following situations and see if you can identify the elements that make up each behavior:
Jerry: danger, suspense, orgasm, sensory sight (seeing reaction), sensory touch (masturbating),
Stephanie: PAST, orgasm, sensory
* seems I didnt really think about fantasy or accomplishment.

II. Consider one of your own compulsive rituals. Identify circumstances when each of the three filters (time, habituation and intensity) have come into play.

Masturbation w/ porn:
* time: increasingly stimulating, to a certain extent (15 mins if habituated, 30+ if not)
* habituation: definitely apparent. if done every day, the stimulation is still there but not "special". if relapse after a week, every element of the ritual feels much more stimulating. The frosting here includes masturbating under shower, turning off all the lights, using different sources/material to masturbate to on the occasion.
* intensity: includes the mastery of stroking myself to the edge of orgasm but not past it, while finding the 'ideal' video. also the mastery of finding the sources and methods to get the 'ideal' video asap


Last edited by Ed1043 on Mon Apr 06, 2020 6:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Lesson 19
PostPosted: Wed Feb 26, 2020 3:27 am 
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Understanding Addiction IV: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_019.php
Most of this post is a summary. First time reading the lesson opened my eyes to a few realizations.

The underlying motivation to all(most) human behaviors:
Quote:
All human behavior is driven by the emotional stimulation it provides. Both minimizing pain and pursuing pleasure, in the case of this workshop


A compulsive behavior is just as useful in avoiding and/or minimizing an uncomfortable state. Stress, for example. Boredom, another. While consciously stimulating pleasure, your brain is unconsciously trying to eliminate your boredom. This is at the essence of how your addiction developed... Done often enough, it becomes second nature. It becomes ingrained. It changes the way that you interact with the world. And eventually, it changes the way that you perceive that world.

Once you recognize that the motivation for every action you take can ultimately be traced back to the anticipated emotions elicited from that action (or non-action) — the awareness of your decision-making in relation to compulsive rituals should dramatically improve. The key word there is anticipated. When the emotional stimuli is certain and anticipated, values and long-term conseq become less relevant, and as time goes by, the addict's long-term emotional management skills (such as value development and consequence assessment) are replaced by a greater and greater reliance on the here and now.

Now if you want to use delusion, fantasy and escape to avoid living parts of your life...that is your choice. On the other hand, if you want to challenge yourself to master your life, then you will need to master the values that make up the life you are striving to live. That means learning how to rely on those values to help you manage good times and bad.

As you will see, most of these actions occur in your subconscious and so, you will find yourself assessing them AFTER they have begun. That's okay. Eventually though, to achieve emotional maturity — and certainly to end your addiction — you will need to bring them into your consciousness.

You avoid pain now (through deceit, let's say) at the expense of potentially amplified pain later. Or, in other familiar words, you avoid sipping the shame now at the expense of guzzling the regret later. Values and principles are important for this reason. So you have a strong foundation to base your decision-making on. You must relearn the value of values. In the context of recovery, begin by thinking of your values as those things which, when you are experiencing them, provide you with a feeling of accomplishment, satisfaction and a sense of purpose. You feel good associating yourself with these traits

Lesson 19 Exercise:
There is no written exercise associated with this lesson. Instead, there is only a call to deepen your awareness of how you go about deriving stimulation in your day-to-day life. For the rest of today...and for all of tomorrow...

become 'hyper-aware' [mindful] of the healthy and unhealthy rituals that you engage in — as you are engaging in them, whether sexual or not.


Last edited by Ed1043 on Mon Apr 06, 2020 6:25 am, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Lesson 20
PostPosted: Wed Feb 26, 2020 3:39 am 
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Mastering your addiction: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_020.php

In understanding and mastering your addiction, it is more important to understand how it works in practical, personal terms than to know the backstage and the science behind. With a practical understanding of the role that addiction has played/is playing in your life...how logical it really is...how functional it really is...you will have laid enough of a foundation to begin isolating that addiction and eliminating it from your life.

Exercise:

1 - PAST)Examine your addiction and the role(s) that it has played in your life to date. Look across your life span and identify the progression of the addiction, the sustainment of it, the absence of it and/or the stifling of it. Look at the major transitions that you have experienced; explore also any major traumas that you have endured and identify the role that addiction (or the rituals that eventually developed into an addiction) played in helping you through that time period. Your goal is to develop a fluid understanding of just how these patterns progressed from early sparks to an eventual wildfire

    The true, earliest birth of my addiction has been from when I was very young. Though little me didn't understand, I liked to put myself in masochistic situations. When I enjoyed particular scenes, fantasies. Images. I continued living around it, not caring and not knowing anything about it. But it was just there in the background of my life. As time went by, the form of addiction took shape as I started using google to my advantage.
    It progressed from simple google searches to me slowly but surely daring to go on particular websites. And as those websites became insufficient, it took on its final form of a pure porn addiction.
    I can't seem to link any of these progressions to any particular events in my life. I just thought of it as normal, though I kept this a secret, and only realized it for what it was too late.. I did not endure any major traumas, I don't recall any absurd fluctuation until I began my attempt on recovery, for which the only links I recall are long-weekends and boring days.

2 - FUTURE) Look to future transitions in your life. Divorce. Death of a partner. Death of your parents. Death of a child. Loss of a job. Retirement. Having another child. Empty-nest syndrome. Consider many different situations that you will possibly face in the remaining years of your life. Situations that could potentially cause major instability to an otherwise balanced, fulfilling life. Explore the role(s) that addiction could play in helping you to manage these times. What would it feel like for addiction to come back into your life? Would it be a rapid collapse or a subtle progression? What signs would you look for? What actions would you take?

    I imagine a transition in my lifestyle to one I wouldn't enjoy. Death of a family member. A crumble in my already-fragile social life/status. If I were to return to addiction, that would be me thinking, 'i want to forget my problems and end the pain' or 'i deserve some goodness for enduring this'. It would feel great, for the first few rituals; and from there i'd just snowball and keep myself in that spot. Engaing in my behavior. Then it would all kick in again as I realize after a week, i'm falling back into addiction.

    I hope to be able to anticipate this. With a good life foundation and a thorough understanding of my behaviors and rituals, I'm hopeful that I will notice my tendencies and prevent myself from falling back into addiction. What ACTIONS I would take upon noticing these tendecies is to get myself engage in something else I enjoy. A distraction. supposedly with values i should be able to make the right choices but there's no guarantee.

    It would probably be a rapid collapse. as mentioned, i imagine it'd be a snowball, from one to relieve myself to doing it everyday all over again. One major sign i'd look out for is either anxiety or frustation; the latter especially if things are outide my control.


Last edited by Ed1043 on Mon Apr 06, 2020 6:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Lesson 21
PostPosted: Fri Feb 28, 2020 5:49 am 
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Recovery Goals: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_021.php

Negative approach vs Positive Approach
You've heard the saying, "If you don't know where you're going, how do you expect to get there?" In relation to a long-term, healthy recovery, this statement speaks volumes. The mindset of "I'll do anything to stop this addiction/behavior" doesn't work as that too relies on the snowballing, the swing, the motivation. Instead, you should have recovery goals and have a target destination, because recovery isn't just about getting as far as possible from your addiction.

Blinking
Your addiction is in a way like blinking. If you physically force yourself to stop blinking, sure your willpower will hold up, physically it's possible... for a while. But urge to blink builds up every second as you continue to focus on the abstinence itself, and eventually you will blink / relapse. This is why the first lesson wasn't made about abstaining.

By the end of this workshop, you will (should) realize that your addiction is comprised of relatively simple behavioral patterns. There is no mystery about addiction, or for that matter, addiction recovery. The only real mystery is why so many people continue to struggle needlessly. Why so many continue to remain stuck. And even that isn't a mystery. It is because their primary focus is on stopping their behavior. You are not going to achieve the fulfillment you seek by stuffing your compulsions in a corner and hoping that you can muster the strength to keep them there forever. That's preposterous. By the time you have completed this foundation workshop, you will no longer fear your compulsive behavior. Additionally, you will realize that relapse does not need to be an option for you.

Notes
1. A goal must be specific, not general
2. A goal must be measurable. Think daily monitoring levels of measurable.
3. A goal should be stated in a positive manner.
4. All your goals should be important to you.
5. A goal should be consistent with your values.

Lesson 21 Exercise:

A. What large goals have you attempted in your life and failed? Why do you suppose you failed?

    Learning to play the guitar. I didn't have the commitment to even go past playing my first chord. I would take a break to let my fingertips adjust, tell myelf to try again tomorrow and then would forget, as I made 0 progress. (update apr-6: i am learning)
    Making myself more active socially. It was partially a success, but my biggest failure here was my recent bluntly saying no without thinking to a few things. So I failed because I didn't even join it. Because I was overwhelmed with emotions, doubt, and anxiety.
    Making an online business. Because I didn't have much interest or commitment. I was short-visioned and saw that my thing wasn't going very well, and slowly lost motivation to work on it.
    Actually learning coding/programming. Taking courses would be too expensive of course, so I relied on my self motivation & discipline which... disappointingly meant nothing much was done.
    In general my monthly to-dos, which were less enticing than other things I had in mind at the time - need of immediate emotional gratification is in play here.

B. What large goals have you attempted in your life and succeeded? Why do you suppose you were able to succeed?

    Though that thing in school failed back in my year 10, my expectations were lower than what I got. With my results I was happier than ever and felt like I surpassed my own expectations. One of the top. How/why? Because I worked for it. Grinded. Spent many many many nights studying for it, many of which I didn't feel like doing so, but with noting else to do AND remembering my goals, I struggled through.

C. List one recovery goal that you have and break it down into as many smaller, measurable tasks as necessary for you to manage it successfully. If you find this difficult, then you are probably starting off with too general of a recovery goal. Make it specific.

    I want to complete the recovery workshop before 2021 starts.
    This means I will have to do a lesson a week, occasionally two per week.


Last edited by Ed1043 on Mon Apr 06, 2020 6:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Lesson 22
PostPosted: Fri Feb 28, 2020 6:12 am 
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Measuring Compulsive Behavior: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_022.php
Note: VERY important lesson. lots of math.

Many people's addictions begin when they need a coping mechanism but their emotional management skills are not perfected and so they go to their behavior which is now their addiction. This develops into a full blown addiction with even more behaviors included or more intensity.

And at some point, it becomes ingrained into their IDENTITY. When this happens, simply plugging out the behavior is like killing off a loved one. IN A WAY. So this kilometre-long lesson teaches the process of "measuring the intensity of your compulsive behavior"

To measure a compulsive behavior ritual, IN SHORT you must first identify the elements involved, pass it through the 3 filters, then do the formulas according to your perception of the compulsive ritual then you get the values of stimulation that each element produces. The higher = the more pleasure, and over time as you need that same amount of stimulation, you start to add more elements or intensify them in attempt to reach the adequate amount of pleasure.

Lesson 22 exercise

Consider a very simple ritual that you have engaged in. Identify three or four elements of that ritual (e.g. physical sensory stimulation; danger; orgasm; accomplishment).

For each element, assign a relative number for the amount of stimulation you think you derive from this particular element. These numbers are relevant only to you and in relation to other elements that you experience. For each element, consider the effects of each of the three filters on the stimulation derived from that element. Does it increase the stimulation? Decrease the stimulation? Have no effect? Have a mixed effect (as in, sometimes it increases, other times it decreases)?.

Masturbation w/ fantasy:
*note: only done when unhabituated/unsaturated. usually after a few days of not watching porn. hence the much higher stimulation rating. also yes im aware there are no accessory elements.
sensory stimulation (touch)-2
    Time-7 Stimulating progressively up to about 30~ mins, from which it becomes numb.
    Intensity-2 this is only to physically edge myself while i continue fantasy
    Habituation-3 The past year has been on/off, which makes it more 'refreshed' than doing daily.
Orgasm-3?
    Time-2 Very brief, but in times I can control it, the longer it lasts the better.
    Intensity-8 The goal of the behavior. Nearly uncontrollable
    Habituation-6 Not the same as new, but doesn't get old/oversaturating/numbing.
fantasy-2
    Time-At peak, 5. No limit.
    Intensity-5 avg. Learnt to fine-tune it, the proper fantasies can be up to 8 or 9
    Habituation-3. Hard to be creative the more you do, but it doesn't reach saturation point.
Accomplishment-2
    Time-2 Very briefly after orgasm. Followed by negative emotions next.
    Intensity-4 Feeling accomplished as I picture myself in the fantasy, but as followed by a bit of shame
    Habituation-1
6+12+6.5+3.5
=28

Masturbation w/ porn:
sensory stim. (visual & audio)-2
    Time-5 The first few videos get me stimulated but from there finding the ideal doesn't get much better unless I find what I had in mind.
    Intensity-7 When the "perfect" video is found, its stimulation can increase. Depending on the video.
    Habituation-2 Gets old quick. After a few days, that intense stimulation can go down to 4-5
sensory stim. (touch)-2
    Time-5 With low hab., at this point it doesn't stimulate me all that much.
    Intensity-3 no breathplay.
    Habituation-2
orgasm-3
    Time-2 too short
    Intensity-9
    Habituation-4
Accomplishment-1
    Time-1
    Intensity-2 very brief, not felt much. Followed by much shame in the case of porn.
    Habituation-1

7+5+11.25+1
=24.25


Last edited by Ed1043 on Mon Apr 06, 2020 7:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Lesson 23
PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 7:19 am 
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Practical Uses for Measuring: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_023.php

The majority of the work we have done so far in the workshop has been in the area of understanding the patterns involved with compulsive behavior. We began by looking at the role that emotions play in compulsive behavior, we looked at the natural need to experience/maintain emotional stimulation/balance, and we looked at reasons how that balance can get upset.

We explored how people can use values to help them maintain their emotional balance, and how others who lack such skills use artificial means to manage their emotions. We then explored the elements that are involved in artificially managing our emotions via compulsive sexual and/or romantic behavior. In this last lesson, we began assigning arbitrary numbers to the elements of this artificial stimulation. In the next lesson, you'll expand the concept of measuring individual elements to the concept of measuring comprehensive chains of elements. This will all be done under the auspices of measuring compulsive behavior.

Measuring your compulsive behavior uses in 3 areas:
* Assessment
* Self-awareness
* Relapse prevention

I. Assessment
You should stop seeing your behavior as a single behavior, like "I watched porn then I masturbated to it." You should break the ritualistic chain down to its elements: actions, decisions, emotions involved.

II. Self-awareness
Measuring compulsive bhv is most important in self awareness as you need to assess the actual/potential emotional stimulation from each action. It will help teach you to take emotional reactions (?) into consideration when making decisions.

III. Relapse prevention
The most effective method to control your urge and refrain from relapse is to take your addiction and cut it down into the basic elements that composes it. Because when most people relapse, they do so in a state of mind that is emotionally unstable. They have lost connection with the role that their values play in managing their emotions.

This allows you to objectively see your compulsive bhv not as the bhv itself but in the form of the elements that form the bhv. Most importantly, during times of renewed participation in destructive behavior, their ability to map out this behavior often reinforces the realization that where they go from here is indeed a choice that they must make. And for many, just recognizing that it is a choice — or being reminded of it from time to time — is all that is required for a person to re-prioritize their life.

Lesson 23 Exercise:
In your recovery thread, share a brief summary of what practical uses the skill of measuring compulsive rituals can have in your recovery. Don't just copy the headings of this lesson, take a minute to see how you can practically use this information in YOUR life.

Learning to assess my behavior and then using self-awareness for relapse prevention can be helpful to 'stop myself in my own tracks' when, in the bathroom there is a thought in the back my of head telling me to simply do it and just wank, enjoy myself, don't worry bout it. It would be helpful to realize the path I'm going down and make a better choice off my values at that moment.


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 Post subject: Lesson 24
PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 7:42 am 
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Extracting the Elements of a Sexual Ritual: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_024.php

Lesson 24 Exercise:
I. Create your own Wheel of Sexual Compulsion that is more closely related to your behavior. This can be done by simply listing the cumulative elements involved in your compulsive behavior. This shouldn't take you more than five minutes.
* Orgasm
* Sensory: Sight & Audio (external)
* Sensory: Touch
* Temperature?? (cold running water intensifies stimulation)
* Power
* Fantasy
* Accomplishment
* Guilt

II. Choose a real-life example of EVERY major sexual ritual that you engage in, break it down. Most people will identify two to four such Major Rituals. If you can identify with more than five such rituals, just list the most common five.
To be successful in your transition to health, you will need to master your ability to identify not only these elements, but also to recognize the role that they play in stimulating you. Don't settle for anything less than mastery here.

1. Masturbation w/ porn
1. Feeling bored/anxious OR desire to feel good appears. Urge.
2. I respond to urge. Occasionally feel guilt, doubt, open Fortify. Fail.
3. I turn on the showers.
4. Opened my source(s) to find masturbation material (beginning of act)
5. Spend time stroking slowly while finding ideal material. Switch sources sometimes.
6. When "ideal" video is found, start stroking with full power. (nearing climax)
7. Accomplishment and orgasm.
8. Guilt follows and usually, I begin fantasizing other non-sexual situations. (first conseq.)

2. Masturbation w/ fantasy
1. Aroused previously by a trigger. Urge.
2. I respond to urge, telling myself this will be a one-off
3. Heart starts beating. I feel guilt and excitement.
4. Turn on the showers.
5. Pick my girl to fantasize and begin constructing my fantasy. (beginning of act)
6. At peak of fantasy, I picture myself in power.
7. Start stroking will full power to finish. (nearing climax)
8. Orgasm. Tends to be longer.
9. Accomplishment, without guilt of watching porn.

3. Night masturbation w/ porn
1. Aroused previously by a trigger. Urge.
2. I (rarely) respond to urge but always commit myself to masturbate.
3. Plan ahead 30 minutes for preparation.
4. Begin finding masturbation material on my laptop occasionally with headphones (beginning of act)
5. Open similar/same material on my phone, ready to transfer.
6. At peak, I transfer with phone to the bathroom.
7. Turn on the showers, with or without the light.
8. Finish off and orgasm, with the material in mind. (climax)
9. Accomplishment as stimulation was more 'surreal'
10. Post-masturbation cleanup of bathroom.
11. Head off to bed. Usually unable to sleep. (first conseq.)


Last edited by Ed1043 on Sat Apr 11, 2020 9:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Lesson 25
PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 8:02 am 
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Identifying compulsive rituals: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_025.php

Hierarchy of Compulsion

I. Compulsive Elements
These are the smallest measurable units in a compulsive act. Each element represents the capacity to change a person's emotional state. It is not necessarily always an opposite change.

II. Compulsive Rituals
These are single, perceived actions/events which are broken down into their smallest emotional elements. Used in recovery to 'isolate' the emotions. By def., it's used to stimulate your immediate emotional condition, whether knowingly or not. But with repetition, rituals' stimulations are anticipated.

III. Compulsive Chains
These are multiple compulsive rituals that are strung together to form a primary life management strategy. Compulsive chains allow a person to create a consistent flow of emotion over extended periods of time. They also serve to allow an individual to achieve an emotional intensity not capable of being achieved through a single compulsive ritual.

Just anyone can assess, measure and analyze their behavior. But a compulsive one means that somewhere along the line you lost conscious control to engage in healthy rational decision-making. And so, when the urge is experienced, you often feel helpless to regain rational thought until that particular event has ended. Until it has played itself out. As you will learn, your 'compulsive' behavior isn't all very compulsive. You will learn, through emotional maturity development, that your behavior can be broken down and stopped real-time, not just after, into rational values-based decisions. Rather than an emotional response.

At this point, developing this maturity seems complex. It consists of many abstract concepts. You will be redeveloping your identity — and how you go about developing, maintaining and managing that identity — to allow you to produce value-based stimulation that is similar in intensity to the 'compulsive actions' that currently prevail. But it cannot be done intellectually; It must be done through practical skill. Mechanical at first, but once you have more foundation it will feel natural. For now though, you only need to recognize that recovery will not be achieved by learning to measure behavior, but that learning to measure your behavior is an important piece in the foundation for understanding what it takes to manage your life.

Many behaviors that are supposed to play a healthy role in your life get "lost" when you have no guideline for them and instead of following them based on rational and values or even long-term decision-making and health boundaries, you ask "how will it make me feel?" and hence begins the need for immediate gratification.

The Parts of a Compulsive Ritual
1. The Beginning
2. Point of No Return (PoNR) ; is temporary. Only perceived to exist.
3. The End

Lesson 25 Exercise:
I. Develop your own compulsive ritual. Make this relatively simple.

Compulsive Ritual: Masturbation w/ porn
1. Feel URGE to masturbate - arousal,urge
2. Argue with self - guilt and arousal clash.
3. Feel shame not being able to fight the urge - PoNR (rarely back off)
4. I feel the cool of the shower - physical, touch sensory stimulation
5. Thoughts/attention cloud as I begin masturbating. True PoNR
6. I open my phone, begin to watch porn - stimulation
7. Stimulated by orgasm and accomplishment - climax, orgasm
8. Guilt washes over as I become self-conscious once again - post-orgasm guilt
9. I tell myself I won't repeat my mistake again tomorrow. - shame


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 8:15 am 
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Mapping the compulsive behavior: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_026.php

In other words, what you have previously accepted as natural, can now be experienced as artificial. What you once believed to be an internal process that was beyond your control, can now be accurately perceived as an external means for controlling yourself. So now, rather than being helpless and feeling clueless, you are now "free" to make a choice & decide your path more objectively (value-based action or emotion-based action)

Lesson 26 Exercise:
Here, you are asked to 'map out' one of your rituals. Make sure that you choose a specific ritual that you have engaged in. The main difference between what you did in the previous exercise and this is that you are no longer listing the elements (emotional change) of the ritual. Instead, you are listing the BEHAVIOR (action) associated with that element.

Mapped behavior: last time watching porn, in the evening shower

1. I feel an URGE to masturbate (usually either from:)
1. arousal / attraction from someone
2. arousal from social media posts
3. boredom
2. I prepare myself to begin showering
3. I gently turn on the shower and begin viewing pictures, stroking myself
4. As I adjust the shower water & warmth, I begin escalating from pictures to stories & videos (or from softer to more hardcore videos)
5. I continue, immersed in the shower, finding that "perfect" video to finish off, many times jumping around different websites.
6. While doing so, I stroke myself with power until I near the climax, then I 'back off' and cycle continues.
7. When I find the video, I take a close inspection on the woman present.
8. I stroke myself to climax more slowly
9. Still watching the video, I orgasm and ejaculate, finishing off the ritual.
10. I feel accomplished as though I had sex with the woman in the video.
11. Guilt and shame follow as reality sets in.

(update march 6, relapse)
Mapped behavior 2: fantasy & porn chain
1. I felt an urge (trigger from yesterday)
2. I told myself not to respond to urge. To make the concious decision to not relapse.
3. I ended up making the concious choice of relapsing, 'because this particular weekend won't be so eventful'
4. I went into the shower with my phone and change
5. I began with searching for erotic stories, then to pictures and finally porn videos.
6. turned on the shower with cool water (not using phone)
7. I used a cloth for breathplay
8. I began fantasizing as if I were in the situation of the stories and the videos
9. I orgasmed
10. A sense of accomplishment surged, NOT followed by guilt (?)
11. I finished showering and dried my clothes. Then left the bathroom


Last edited by Ed1043 on Fri Mar 06, 2020 10:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Lesson 27
PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 8:19 am 
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Identifying Compulsive Chains: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_027.php

Lesson 27 Exercise:

1. Example of chain w/ multiple rituals simultaneously:
Porn + fantasy (& masturbation)
I watched a few porn videos of my selection, observed the pornstar present carefully, then masturbated not to the video, but to fantasizing myself with her in a different setting.

2. Example back-to-back rituals:
Not exactly back-to-back, but there was a time I masturbated four times in a day. It was a saturday; first at 1AM, then at 9 (morning shower), 4 PM (evening bath), then again at 11PM before sleeping.

Only once have I masturbated twice in one go.


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 Post subject: Lesson 28
PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 8:24 am 
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Developing Compulsive Chains: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_028.php

Lesson 28 Exercise:
1. Develop a compulsive chain of your most recent acting out behavior.

    1)i was aroused by something (think social media post, or own thoughts) - URGE
    2)i set out to download some complete porn videos (hr+), planning for the hour ahead - PoNR (subconcious convincing of self)
    3)i prepared and organized my room, the bathroom - making sure my 'plan' was going to be without hassle
    3)after completion of download, i began watching it, imagining myself in the place of the man - ACT I (porn ; visual & audio sensory)
    4)all while I opened chrome, began looking up some similar porn videos from different pornstars
    5)after a while i opened a picture of the pornstar i liked on my phone
    6)after finding & watching the "ideal" video, i moved to the bathroom - connecting the chain
    7)i took another look at the picture on my phone
    8)i fantasized myself in the position of the first video, with the person in the picture - ACT II (fantasy)
    9)i masturbated, sitting under the running shower - masturbation
    10)orgasm and accomplishment of completion and of the thinking of how it "could be real" - orgasm, climax
    will refer to the 2nd chain for next questions.

2. Upon completion of this chain, review it to ensure that you can recognize the way that each element affected your emotional state. >edited.

3.Thinking as an addict, look for areas within this chain where you could add additional destructive elements that would have (most likely) increased the overall stimulation of the event. The actual events that you add should be realistic, and related to the chain itself. For instance, someone viewing porn might add the element of setting up a Power Point slide show of the images. Someone engaging in escort services might add the element of videotaping the encounters. Share these in your recovery thread.

    * Pre-planning of the chosen pornstar. Finding as many images of the person from different angles, as part of fantasizing being with her.
    * Using water-proof earbuds (under the shower), and playing a porn video with stimulating audio, perhaps from the moans of the chosen person, but while still using fantasy rather than visual sensory (because its not about the stimulation, but higher sense of accomplishment - more powerful motive than the actual stimulus of the video)
    * Decrease habituation/saturation. Reserve myself for two weeks intentionally before the act, which gives more stimulation.


Last edited by Ed1043 on Sun Apr 12, 2020 7:05 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Stage Three: Life Skills
PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 8:28 am 
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Joined: Thu Feb 13, 2020 6:13 am
Posts: 63
at this point, i've caught up to everything i wrote down in notepad previously, and i can resume the workshop at normal pace. everything above may seem rushed, but it's not i'm not relying on the momentum of my completion of the lessons.

:w:


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 01, 2020 8:48 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3893
Location: UK
Hi Ed
some good work well done and keep it up :g:

Quote:
One major sign i'd look out for is either anxiety or frustation; the latter especially if things are outide my control.


good awareness but perhaps now would be a good point to reflect on other signs as forewarned is forearmed

remember that it is possible to become triggered by anything that we choose to allow us to be
triggered
events usually provoke emotions either positive or negative but emotions are both cyclic and finite
emotions are not outside of our control when it comes to acting out, they simply drive us to make choices

choose wisely

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Lesson 29
PostPosted: Tue Mar 03, 2020 8:24 am 
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Joined: Thu Feb 13, 2020 6:13 am
Posts: 63
hi coach kenzo, thank you for the words, especially with putting control into perspective. I will update this section or that lesson if I do reflect and notice other signs.

L29, The Role of Emotions: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_029.php
relevant to what coach kenzo said

Lesson 29 Exercise:

A. Describe the emotions that you experienced and the thoughts that triggered them.

Nostalgia - as I thought of what I valued from when I was younger, I walked down memory lane thinking of the games that started a video game addiction (which I can proudly say is over), how much I spent my rainy mornings and late nights immersing myself in it, cherishing the moment like there's no tomorrow, chatting with online strangers which at the time seemed very absurd yet wonderful. I wanted to write about feeling happy walking down memory lane but then that IS nostalgia. Makes you miss the ol times. Makes you - dangerously - compare the past and the present.

A mix of relief and sadness - I reflected on my personal self of the older times, and for the first time realized how out-of-the-world I really was, putting all of my free time into games. As I feel a bit sad and disappointed that many of the games I played are now unavailable/different, I also feel a relief that those times are now over.

Regret - opportunities wasted. There were moments I could've taken my shot at a (few) relationships, but I didn't. There were moments that I could've taken the choice to make my life different, but by anxiety and fear I threw them all out of the window. I thought of how my games sucked me away from life, and reflected on my main regrets.

Confusion - I am confused how I never saw things from current me's perspective about my immersion into video games. How I accepted the way I lived back then as normal. How I KNEW at some point I was developing a sexual addiction, and I only knew it was wrong but I never admitted it to myself, or thought about it. As if it was normal. I am confused and scared, because I reflected on a few unfortunate things including how I turned away my ol friends many years ago, and wonder now if there's a chance I can fix this. But scared because as much as these would go with my value, scared of the possible outcomes.

And one more - I am a bit concerned of the possibility that I have missed a large chunk of my past, forgot a large chunk of my main values or phases in life, past or present.

B. In assessing your own anxiety, describe the extremes of your personal experiences with anxiety. What has been the least anxious state you have experienced and the most extreme anxious state you have experienced?

1st: Where I knew the tour guide was going to do his job, and I was certain I would enjoy it. So I worried about nothing, and enjoyed the moment. Listening to novo amor in the bus, after a tiring day, looking at the city lights at night. the music is a big part to how i perceived that experience as nothing but the present. 2nd: When I realized that this was what " being in the moment " feels like. I had no worries on my mind, if I did then I didn't need to. The beach, the sunset was like no other I'd seen, and with nothing in the background but waves, it was the most serenity I could ask for.

I can't pinpoint one moment or experience. There are many. Before a public speaking event, before meeting my relatives after a year, before a meeting or any formal private consultation (especially 1 on 1s, even if I know the person the setting always makes me groggy). To top all this is waiting for a moment that I know is going to be humiliating, embarrassing. But to power up the anxiety, waiting and doing nothing before it is even more nerve-wrecking.


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