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 Post subject: Lesson 30
PostPosted: Thu Mar 05, 2020 8:33 am 
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Emotions vs Values: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_030.php

Emotions are unstable. Influences and influnced by your perceptions. Values remain relatively consistent throughout the course of your life and in adults, only change through focused effort.
Value-based emotions
* more stable, less fluctuating.
* generated from a collective bundle of related thoughts that all have a central theme.
* values (everyone has, even if diminished) are foundation for health
Behavior-based emotions
* more erratic and fleeting
* may conflict with your personal values
* can overpower values in the present moment (hence addiction and people throwing tantrums, etc.)
COMMON GROUND
* there is a time for both.
* ALL emotions have a range of intensity.

Without value-based emotions, value-based decisions cannot be made. Hence why you are on this lesson. why you will be learning how to mechanically measure your emotions in a compulsive event and to use value-based emotions to guide your decision-making process. You are learning to alter your pattern of behavior from immediate gratification, behavior-based reactions, to value-based emotions that produce long-term stability.

After years of addiction, naturally you will be disconnected from your value system. But it's not gone or deleted. And you will have to 'rebuild' it. Your values will have to be the one to supply you with positive emotions in the long run. Our ability to comfort ourselves and provide emotional stability — comes from our ability to manage our emotions. Our ability to manage our emotions — comes from our ability to understand and commit to our values. This is imperative because without a base of such values, we are destined to manage our lives through spontaneous, chaotic, behavior-based emotions that hold little regard for long-term fulfillment.

Lesson 30 Exercise:

For the rest of today and all of tomorrow, focus on one specific developmental skill: deepening your awareness of the connection between your emotions and your values. Like a student studying for a midterm, concentrate on how your emotions influence your actions; how your values influence your decisions; how your emotions influence your values, etc. Don't do this from memory...anyone can do that. Take tomorrow to assess your emotions/values as if you were in a laboratory. There is no need to write down your observations anywhere. Simply do it.

question: from what I understand, I will have to do this real-time with my present moment thoughts, emotions and actions, am I correct? It's one thing to remember every once in a while and do it, but how am I supposed to stay aware and continually analyse my emotions-values for the entirety of tomorrow? thanks in advance


Last edited by Ed1043 on Thu Mar 19, 2020 5:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 07, 2020 4:09 am 
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Quote:
Lesson 30 Exercise:

For the rest of today and all of tomorrow, focus on one specific developmental skill: deepening your awareness of the connection between your emotions and your values. Like a student studying for a midterm, concentrate on how your emotions influence your actions; how your values influence your decisions; how your emotions influence your values, etc. Don't do this from memory...anyone can do that. Take tomorrow to assess your emotions/values as if you were in a laboratory. There is no need to write down your observations anywhere. Simply do it.

question: from what I understand, I will have to do this real-time with my present moment thoughts, emotions and actions, am I correct? It's one thing to remember every once in a while and do it, but how am I supposed to stay aware and continually analyse my emotions-values for the entirety of tomorrow? thanks in advance


Hi Ed,

I think you have taken this too literally. I personally stopped at key points of the day and assessed how I was dealing with things, from a work situation, family situation etc etc. Your values and emotions are not necessarily always working in your head some stuff we all do is natural to us and completely healthy. (washing the dishes for example)
I mild example of what I did and still do at times:
My neighbour sometimes leaves his car or his friends cars in the middle of the street making it difficult for me to get mine out! This would enrage me!!!
The reality if you break it down at that moment, did I need to get my car out? - NO
Was there any sense to my getting stressed over it? - NO
So a couple of my values being tolerance & patience, I stop and say "let it go, it is not worth the effort your brain is putting into it right now, it goes against what you are trying to achieve.

Another example of what I do every time it happens is when W reminds me of my past behaviours. Sometimes this is said lighthearted and at other times with venom.
I feel my emotions rise, sometimes I feel hurt and other times anger. It does not matter what my feelings are, I immediately remind myself that I caused her to feel this way and I have sworn to become a caring, loving husband with compassion.

I hope that helps a bit?

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 09, 2020 5:37 am 
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hi theseus, thanks for the clarification. appreciate it! I sort of postponed the exercise so I'll be sure to do it today and tomorrow, though it is difficult to stay mindful and assess yourself when the emotions are running high. but i'll be sure to commit to it.


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 Post subject: Lesson 31
PostPosted: Mon Mar 09, 2020 8:29 am 
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Emotional Stability & Balance: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_031.php

In life, we always try our best to balance stress. In an ideal world, the stress side of the scale is empty and on the other side there is only comfort and values. But stress cannot be avoided. And some people don't know how to manage the stress with values, so they turn to artificial sources - addiction.

Your values create your identity. When you artificially replace those values with addictive behaviors, your addiction becomes your identity. The goal, then, is to redevelop your identity by forming a foundation of values that represent who you want to be. That represent the person that you know you are inside.

Lesson 31 Exercise:

A. Make a list of all identifiable stressors that have affected your emotional health over the past week. For each, document whether it is a mild, moderate, severe or extreme stressor. Example: 1) Facing Possible Divorce: extreme; 2) Lost respect among friends and family: moderate

mar 9
Feeling forgotten, abandoned, lonely, by friends: severe
Worries about my own future (long and short term): mild
Worries about health (both emotional and physical): mild
Time management issues & worries: mild/moderate

B. Return to your values list created earlier in the workshop. In a healthy life, the majority of energy being drained (e.g. stress) should be related to the pursuit of your highest prioritized values (top fifteen or so). Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the way that you are expending your energy?'

definitely.
2. Be more socially active & proactive
5. Stay physically fit & healthy.
12. Becoming a 'participant' and not just a 'spectator'
13. Be more academically active & consistent.

C. Likewise, in a healthy life, the majority of meaning and stimulation that you gain should also be related to your highest values. Do you see this pattern in your life? If not, what do you think this means in terms of the quality of life you are living?

My pursuit of my top 2 values have been major stressors over the past two months, rather than a source of purpose and/or stimulation. I will have to reconsider how I view this... Thinking back the past two months, yes a lot of the good things I recall are from my top 15 values. But the order of priority is messed up, as a few have not been relevant to me in my daily life.

So while this means I roughly know the direction I'm headed, a lot of readjusting needs to be done. The quality of life I am living, currently I still use my compulsive behavior (which I try to not do, but cant say Im doing my best) occasionally so I do feel like I may need to reprioritize some of my values, in general and in my more day to day life.


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 14, 2020 5:40 am 
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Busy week. quite busier than usual. Now i'm not sure if my lack of progress contributed, but throughout the past week i've relapsed EVERY single day. And I've noticed that there's not much beyond simply me wanting immediate gratification - that's it. But added to that is me snowballing from my previous relapses and deciding 'today is ok too'.

And from this, I've concluded 3 things: 1- I need to be more patient with myself because I seemed to be looking at results constantly, and also although I didn't forget, I haven't internalized the fact that recovery is not simply abstinence. internalize

The second thing is that I've thought about this and my L30 exercise, and noticed that I still make a LOT of decisions based on impulse and emotional gratification rather than my values. I noticed I only seem to consistently make assessments of my emotions-values in situations where I HAVE used my values in the past. E.g. lying, choosing between studies and social stuff.

The third thing is that half of my assessments are AFTER the choice has been made (including relapses!), meaning it's done from memory. So I will update this reply with observations tomorrow. it took me long enough to simply do L30 so far because of everything above. But the next (two?) day I will put physical reminders in place.


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 Post subject: Lesson 32
PostPosted: Sat Mar 14, 2020 7:24 am 
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http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_032.php

Things that happen to you may be outside your control. But your actions, decisions, reactions are all within your control. You are not helpless. Goal-setting is important in addiction recovery. In evolving self-respect/integrity, you need to take responsibility for the past, the present and the future:

The past: Making amends and aiding the repairing of the values of the victims from your addictions, or indirectly, repairing the relationships which you have ignored in the past - assisting in what the victim needs after your bhv affected them.

The present: The difficult bit of recovery: Removing the supply, including people, location, objects. Remove everything that is associated with your compulsive bhv. If you've done absolutely everything and completely removed everything (practically), then you are turning a corner and never returning. If you're not committed, then stop. Better to fully engage in your compulsive bhv then to attempt recovery and failing constantly, because you're damaging your opprotunity for a permanent recov.

The future: Preparing for what might come up. that some things are just "too good to pass up". Coincidence and the weaknesses of others have led to many a relapse. The solution is to take responsibility for your own actions. And your own reactions. Learning to feel good about saying no, when your "immediate gratification" self wants to say yes.

Depression - 'but should come to expect depression as a natural consequence of addiction recovery. It is only natural, given the major changes that must occur in one's psychological base, that feelings of emptiness and hopelessness occasionally emerge. Add to these feelings the associated fears, doubts and ruminations regarding your life and you have the makings of a depression'

====
I did what was asked in THE PRESENT. the problem? It did feel too easy. Partially because I have deleted the downloads and the saved websites quite some time ago myself. Then I read through, and thought of every other way to make sure I cut the supply with everything I have in my power. But the big problem is that my only supply is porn. It's TOO accessible. I set up blockers, and wrote the password down in a physical book that I hope I can forget, but that doesn't change other methods. what about social media, should I delete it depite it having use in other areas (impractical)? i relapse almost always in my bathroom, but there is nothing about it that I can change. do I renovate it completely to rid of the association? I suppose it's a matter of commitment but the way I see it the bathroom one just makes no sense. I'll do the socmed one. maybe. it's not the core of any of my values.

Lesson 32 Exercise:
Early in the workshop, you created approximately fifteen 'proactive action plans' that were intended to list specific steps to take to strengthen certain values that are important to you. Return to these action plans and for each, review your progress.

1. Be proud of who I am.
My steps aren't necessarily actions, but I have taken other actions and learnt that my actions don't define ME, among many other things. But I still have a long way to go before I can be confident and have pride in mylef

2. Be more socially active & proactive
Definitely trying my best with this. In doing this, I seem to forget that I value being socially active rather than being 'popular'. That might be what is stressing me.

3. To dare to walk out of my comfort zone
Some time ago I was provided an opportunity.. and I didnt take it because it was outside my comfort zone. But I am trying

4. Understand & respect limits
I don't think this is a value I should be prioritizing, because I don't(cant) derive much joy or satisfaction from this. so i am putting this down

5. Stay physically fit & healthy.
For the most part, I have done well. including sleep. except when it comes to buffets and weekend dinners going out. also it's all well until recently, when so many circumstances meant I didn't exercise as much. A LOT. I am planning be proactive and go out of my comfort zone to try something new next week, though. for the sake of this and #3.

6. Live and love music / languages
I am doing a lot in here, except I have been uncommitted in both, and only used these if I had nothing better to do. As I derive a lot of satisfaction from the two, I will up my game and commitment. with plans.

7. I want to read more books
I am putting this higher on the list. This has been my mainest source of stimulation in the past 2 months. I plan to continue this.

8. Enjoy life more, don't worry be happy
I am putting this down, depite its ability to reduce anxieties. Thing is, most of my anxieties as of recent are coming from 'pursuit of top values' so 'stop worrying' isnt necsrly a good thing

9. To have passion in whatever it is I do.
This has allowed me to stop hating things that I'm forced to do, and allow me to derive satisfaction from those things, but they dont do much. I am doing my best to enjoy whatever im doing but I am putting this down.

10. Be more grateful for everything
This has allowed me to stop the rumination when things dont seem bright, but I am not taking enough action to do this.

11. Becoming a 'participant' and not just a 'spectator'
While I cant do much to increase this, I love this, and socially, it has allowed me to feel more belonging and be more engaged when otherwise I'd just sit and listen or watch. But I need to apply this to other areas of my life.

12. Be more academically active & consistent.
While there isn't much that I can do to increase this, I am maintaining it so far. Im actually deriving satisfaction from this. It feels good, its for the future. I may put this higher up.

13. Live with God's values (Faith)
With recent circumstances, my plans to start going to church may be... postponed. But I maintaining everything else. except the fact that a few days I forget to read the bible or do my prayer properly. But God's "coincidences" have allowed me to better pursue a few of my values.

14. Get into a meaningful relationship
15. Being able to put commitment into something
16. Be less irritable when not in the mood
0 progress from the last 3.

Update your Proactive Action Plans as needed.
in next response: viewtopic.php?f=13&t=25349&p=247907#p247904


Last edited by Ed1043 on Thu Mar 19, 2020 5:54 am, edited 4 times in total.

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 14, 2020 7:55 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
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Location: UK
Hello Ed
please forgive my bluntness but the intent is to help and be supportive as you go

Quote:
throughout the past week i've relapsed EVERY single day.

!D !D !D !D !D
slips can and do happen but that is not to say that they are acceptable
You made a choice to act out
and what did that give you :pe: To me it indicates full blown addiction, it questions your commitment to yourself and certainly your resolve
you do get to choose
Quote:

I've noticed that there's not much beyond simply me wanting immediate gratification

No surprise there, that is addiction

Quote:
'today is ok too'.


those words plus denial are all to common in addiction
Quote:
I need to be more patient with myself

No you need to be harder on yourself, failure to do so will only prolong thae pain that you feel but dont need to endure
Quote:
recovery is not simply abstinence.


correct but recovery cannot be achieved without abstinence at least in the early days

Quote:
The majority of the work we have done so far in the workshop has been in the area of understanding the patterns involved with compulsive behavior. We began by looking at the role that emotions play in compulsive behavior, we looked at the natural need to experience/maintain emotional stimulation/balance, and we looked at reasons how that balance can get upset.


what did you learn from the above statement and how have you used whatever you learned

All is not lost, but if you do not act it could be so
choose , choose wisely but choose now

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 14, 2020 9:13 am 
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hi coach kenzo, appreciate the honesty actually

Quote:
slips can and do happen but that is not to say that they are acceptable
You made a choice to act out
and what did that give you :pe: To me it indicates full blown addiction, it questions your commitment to yourself and certainly your resolve
you do get to choose

reading these lines a few times, i always thought i did everything i could but i agree here, the choice was mine and i went in it as if it was fine and without problem.

Quote:
The majority of the work we have done so far in the workshop has been in the area of understanding the patterns involved with compulsive behavior. We began by looking at the role that emotions play in compulsive behavior, we looked at the natural need to experience/maintain emotional stimulation/balance, and we looked at reasons how that balance can get upset.

what did you learn from the above statement and how have you used whatever you learned


I will admit that I while I understood and can physically apply the more recent lessons, i failed in internalizing a few concepts. from what i understand, there are 3 things that are possibly the problem
1. my commitment
2. my values system, which i had just updated right before your response
3. my understanding of the lessons of the workshop
i feel like it was a bit of all the three. I will make the best use of my values system now. but Previously, i failed in misunderstanding the bit with abstaining (as it was immediately more comforting with my understanding) and that made it so i would not commit to the fullest.

i will continue to process this, and i will refer to it in the future. and i will act accordingly. i will get to the bottom of this. so thank you very much for the feedback. appreciated!

edit: New observation. The "today is ok too" mentality can also be found in the times where I make the choice of emotions over values (in recent, particularly 'physical fitness') Because in many cases its true, one time is ok. usually, it is one time and I return to the values. But I missed internalizing & physically applying the point is that when the mindset continues it can become compulsive.


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 Post subject: Updated Proactive Plan
PostPosted: Sun Mar 15, 2020 9:10 pm 
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Separated from L32 for ease of access for reading and editing.
Lesson 32 exericse: Update your proactive plan as needed.

1. Be proud of who I am. (Pride, integrity; mindset)
- Do not compare yourself and someone else. DO NOT. You know how dangerous it is. everyone has strengths and weaknesses of their own
- When you feel crap because of something you did, remember: what you did doesn't define you as a person with labels.
- Remind yourself that you are just an individual, just as everyone else is - nobody is higher or lower than another.
- Do note that humility is equally important. Don't get too comfy stroking your ego
- Live honestly, without deception. If you were to lie, remember what you are doing and think why you are doing it.

2. Be more socially active & proactive
- Engage in and join social events when possible, take the opportunity.
- Remember, what you said doesn't define you. just as you dont define your friends from saying something.
- Remember how you judge, assess, perceive yourelf is usually not how others do to you. you're probably bad at self-evaluation.
- Note: sitting on your phone on hours isn't socially active.

3. Take the opportunities and dare to walk out of my comfort zone
- Remember that you will most likely be proud of your achievement/step outside your bubble, and that the discomforts are generally small, temporary annoyances. You won't regret. You do regret not taking the chance.
- Many times you overthink. Do yourself a favor: don't. So next time given a chance, ACCEPT IT
- Note: remember that your comfort zone is very tiny, and that many fun things in life are outside it. Step out.

4. Read books and enjoy them
- For now, read one chapter of the next book at a time.
- For the long-term, try your best to finish the 52-books-in-a-year challenge for 2020
- Remember your want-to-read list, which you genuinely want to read.
- When you think you're bored, go finish that book you haven't finished - or start a new one, fiction or non-fiction.

5. Stay emotionally well.
- Balance your activities and your values in your daily. dont obsess something over hours
- Stay mindful of your thoughts and tendencies and note the direction they're heading.
- Don't stress yourself out so much, you can and should relax when you feel stressed.
- When ruminating thoughts of loneliness arise, dont fall. Dont accept the thoughts that come.
- When anger or frustration arises, take a breath in and repeat your mantra. Your emotions are finite.

6. Live and love music and language.
Music
- Continue learning the guitar. fifteen mins a day wont hurt you. remember your goal and how people arent pros overnight.
- Embrace the 80s, the pop, the jazz. Music taste shouldn't matter, throw away the external judgement
Language
- Remind yourself of the respect you have upon tri+ linguals. But being one isn't overnight
- Continue every day make progress and continue, small step by step. It's slow but it's simple and it works with commitment.
- Use external source for extra fun.

6.5 Fulfill your responsibilities
- Remember the sense of accomplishment vs the sense of failure.
- When given a task or a responsibility, plan ahead. Think of what needs doing now, or later.
- Remember that when people hand you a responsibility, it means they trust you with it (most likely). Don't lose their trust. Take it seriously, because otherwise you forget.

7. Stay physically well and fit.
- For now, jog (or exercise generally) as much as you can. COVID & crazy rain means you should find alternatives tho
- Join another physical club.
- Sleep for 7,5 hours daily (minimum) 10.30 - 06.00
- Balance your vegetables, fruits, and dairy.
- Be mindful with eating. Portion and eat with logic, rather than feeling. Don't think of the lost tastes if you stop, think of your value to be physically well. Remember the possibility of your body reacting negatively
- Try to ensure sleeping (and sitting) with the correct body posture. Again, be mindful of yourself.

8. Be more academically active & consistent.
- For now, advance / revise / practice 1 subtopic at a time.
- For now, just do whatever task you got bcs too early < too late.
- Set your targets for the term, and the long-term. (pun not intended)
- Take the underdog attitude. Your ego cannot get in the way. always work hard, mainly just because this attitude is important in life
- Remember that your achievements are such because the school is going easy. Next year uni will try to screw you over. So don't take it easy.

9. Becoming a 'participant' and not just a 'spectator' (as a mindset)
- For now, just join in whenever there is something.
- Remember being there not doing anything in the background is one way to be forgettable.
- Remember how much more engaged you will be with this.
- Remember that if a competition is outside your comfort zone, you probably should just try it out. If you lose, you didn't lose 50 million dollars, your family, or your complete integrity.

10. Live with God, not just learn about him.
- For now, read the bible segment daily. The Word is the most direct lesson you will get.
- Like recovery, simply intellectually learning about God is not enough. INTERNALIZE Him, like the workshop, and apply it in your life.
- Please do your prayers like a dialogue, not a monologue. Like a conversation. Before & after sleep and meals.

11. Don't be afraid to create.
- Don't be afraid to write that story, make the design or script.
- If you value your creativity, then show it. dont hide it so much
- Remember you've done well in each before; if you fail you tried. If you succeed that'll be progress in each skill and satisfaction.

12. Embrace the racing sport
- Check your schedules for the next live races.
- Open up a game when you need to.
- hit up the go-kart when you can
- Remember to not overdo this. You have more significant problems. when you're watching or playing a race for hours on end, count how long you've done it.

13. Embrace being vulnerable & receiving judgement. (mindset)
- related to #2, #3, and #5. Being vulnerable is a keystone in relationships.
- Remember it can be painful and difficult, so embrace it and don't avoid it. (but just like addiction recovery, it's the foundation for something bigger.) You are worthy of love and belonging. The people being distant is just your fear.
- Judgement is inevitable, so while receiving it is outside your control, you can control HOW you receive it: do it with love and and an open heart, but remember other people arent in your shoes and see behavior over intention.
- There are no specific actions to take in the short-term. It is the mindset that matters.

14. Be more grateful for everything (mindset)
* Remember that God has a plan for you every step of the way.
* Problems aren't the end of the world
* 'Take a step back and with time it'll look small." - Will Buxton
* Look at the things you have that you could have lost, or could have never had in the first place.
* see that things could have been worse, not just better.
* sometimes we take for granted the small things in life. Home, food, education, your phone, etc.

15. Embrace your inner philosopher.

16. Get into a meaningful relationship.

17. Being able to put commitment into something

18. Respect limits; your own or others.

This was more of an overhaul of my proactive action plan as I realized how many things have changed and were wrong in the first place. I hope this will be much more practical now that I've learnt what I did wrong.


Last edited by Ed1043 on Thu Mar 26, 2020 4:58 am, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Lesson 33
PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2020 8:42 am 
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Lesson 33: Developing Emotional Maturity
http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_033.php

- Mastering addiction is ultimately mastering your emotions.
- Therefore, addicts are simply put, 'emotionally immature'
- Every emotion you experience lies within a finite range of intensity.
- Know that for now your emotional management is insufficient to manage a healthy life. But the first step in developing this maturity is to gain confidence in your ability to recognize that your emotions are finite. In doing so, you can end the fear and anxiety of the unknown in your addiction. You will learn the limits of the emotional intensity of your bhv, and be able to anticipate them. Then you will learn to manage the finite emotions accompanying your bhv.

Lesson 33 Exercise:
1. While you have no doubt already deepened the awareness of your emotions...you now want to begin the process of mastering them. You want to make it a goal of yours to turn what was once a debilitating fault into one of your greatest strengths. That can't be done by reading. It must be developed in your day-to-day life. And so, that is your assignment.

To take this next week to seek out opportunities to deepen an awareness of your emotions — both as they occur and as they can be anticipated. Each day, find at least five opportunities to assess your emotions. Don't do this retroactively...as in, you are about to go to bed and so, you review the day's activities and how you felt about them...this must be done in the here and now.

Additionally, add a few opportunities for developing this awareness by anticipating, role playing common rituals surrounding your past behavior. Or possible future behavior. Consider your emotions at the height of a compulsive urge. On the death of a loved one. On the experience of a child's birth. Think of the extremes.

The insights you are searching for throughout this exercise will be in relation to the finite qualities of emotion; the lack of fear/anxiety that comes with developing confidence in being able to anticipate emotional intensity; and the confidence that comes with the same.

2. Each day over the next three, share a few insights relating to these topics in your personal thread. Insights that you have gained from that particular day's focus.

3. At the end of the week, assess the level of effort you put into this task. Did you remember to consciously seek out such developmental opportunities each of the seven days? Post your assessment in your thread

question: do I continue the next lessons (34, ..) as I do these exercises? or do I wait until after the end of the week, when I've completed them? I suppose it's fine to continue as long as Im not taking focus off the assessment, which it shouldn't


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 Post subject: L33 exercise
PostPosted: Tue Mar 17, 2020 8:43 am 
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Day 1

Observations made:
1- that frustration is an emotion that I am impatient with. I instinctively tried to get it out of the way, no matter how I did it, including by being passive-aggressive.
2- I still, definitely and with confirmation, pursue emotions over values. Home learning because COVID. I was given an assignment, relaxed and didn't do it just yet because I thought I had all the time to do it (value ignored: academic stability & activeness). Hours later I found out the deadline was just an hour ago. Panicked. Only then I did it (did task because of pressure, panic, fear of consequence)
3- I bring myself to do a task easily if I'm good at it (instant gratification from satisfaction & pride) and if I'm bad at something it'll take discipline to do it.

Day 2
Momentum definitely affects how I feel about doing something for my values. Which is bad because trying to break into habit of doing something makes it harder as I become too dependant on momentum.
I observed similar things as yesterday. Today wasn't as productive as yesterday tho.
Also, I learnt that every day my instant-gratification side of me demands that I end my waking hours with something good, fun, and satisfying. Like playing a game, reading abook, listening to musix, whatever, before sleeping. Why? Because this side of me says it's frustrating to go to sleep without a positive note. This is where, my compulsive bhv comes and says 'this is the perfect solution'. It's not its actually rhe worst. I wake up the next day feeling guilty. but i know better now.

Day 3
In so many aspects of my life I realize I am unable to make the choice of values over emotions. Mainly when I'm used to choosing emotions, and when those emotions are more intense.
Anger, as am I aware it is known to make people just act in the moment without thinking of consequences, furthers me to act upon immediate gratification, whether to feel good, to rid myself of my anger, or to 'get revenge'.

I haven't internalized the concept of finite emotions in my day-to-day life. It's hard to walk away from your in-the-moment emotions to scale it down and see rationally. or to take control of your perceptions of the emotions. I realize I am responsible for it, i suppose with commitment comes the willpower to do it.

Day 5

Physical discomfort/pain / sickness makes me ignore my values, but idk if emotions are linked to it or not. I just don't feel like doing it, if I force myself to do it it brings negative emotions and more discomfort that tells me i should rest. abstinence was no problem because im sick, which is a curious thing because theoretically it should create immediate gratification from my discomforts. i guess its that it would bring further discomfort by doing it.
Is boredom and numbness similar? i suppose not, but with boredom i seem naturally to prefer immediate gratification over values
Also I will take measures in place to reinforce the mindset of finite emotions.

day 6
Internalizing the concept of finite emotions is one thing, as in my anger I was repeating to myself 'finite emotions' and 'you are choosing to act' but the problem is the fact that I lashed out. I consciously made the choice to just release it to my friends family. Then I cried. But did I regret it? not really. And this is bad. I am very well aware as I should be learning value-based decision making. But honestly, after 3 days of boredom, discomfort, and pain being sick and not able to do much, I think it fel nice to just feel something new again. But I know my choice here is a problem to the mindset I'm taking to recovery. I just would have stuffed and felt frustrated if I didnt unleash it. And I still dont regret much, even knowing I potentially hurt others. Please help me I dont know why I'm so selfish.

day 7&8 + final
Procrastination is also another form of instant gratification. the starting of ANY action (read somewhere that it is by nature difficult unless by habit), avoided, as i preferred to stay in whatever i was doing. which is whaat happened when i told myself to write my day 7 assessments down yesterday. but instead prolonged the assessment to day 8. also on a good note, other than my sick days, i managed to continue practicing a few things i told myself to every day. and i managed to do this, making the choice of building this habit consciously over my emotions (wanting to do something else) one last thing: saying my problems out loud helps me look at it from a more objective perspective. whether it be talking with a friend, or with myself.

Overall assessment (march 24)
For majority of the days i did what was asked properly, i feel, and throughout the past week i learnt, or rather found out in what ways i naturally trusted emotions & instinct, preferring instant grat., over my values and a rational-based decision-making. But with concious effort and commitment, i realize it is possible to control the impact of the emotions, and also control what choice is made.

but I still have a long way to go before... well, being emotionally mature. knowing when my emotions are starting to negatively affect my rationale, and that i should not listen to them. emotions are indicators, but they shouldnt dictate how i act.

Quote:
Additionally, add a few opportunities for developing this awareness by anticipating, role playing common rituals surrounding your past behavior. Or possible future behavior. Consider your emotions at the height of a compulsive urge. On the death of a loved one. On the experience of a child's birth. Think of the extremes.


The way i see it, the emotions of an urge, of a compulsive bhv, as well as both extremes of emotions
(positive: happiness, joy. I tend to return to moments on trips abroad or imagine running a family, or winning a inter/national competition;
negative: loss of parents. the feeling of loneliness)
are experienced in the moment, with little regard of past or future. thinking about it now, i realize anticipating emotions is simple with already-known behavior, but fighting them to listen to rational and values is where my skills need sharpening. when you anticipate an urge without feeling it yet, you're looking so objectively; thinking, not feeling. but thats it, everything else is down to your choice. my choice.


Last edited by Ed1043 on Tue Mar 24, 2020 5:55 am, edited 8 times in total.

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 Post subject: Lesson 34
PostPosted: Thu Mar 19, 2020 5:52 am 
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Posts: 63
(still day 3 of L33 exercise as of making)
Obstacles to Emotional Maturity: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_034.php

Immediate Gratification- The reason an addict doesn't naturally develop a value system is because a reliance of achieving emotional comfort in the here and now — through immediate gratification — is at the center of an addict's emotional management skills.

Immediate Gratification in Recovery- This workshop is structured in such a way as to require the application of long-term emotional management skills. Much of what you learn will provide you with little immediate use, but rather, it will be the cumulative, ingrained effect of this learning that will provide you with the greatest value. Thing is, when the 'newness' wears off, that lack of satisfaction will be interpreted by your brain as "another failure", when in fact it is not the case at all.

The "All or Nothing" Principle- a dangerous perception that something is either black or white. Including perceptions of "im 100% this" or 'i dont have this issue' with the perceptioon itself You might have thought that because you have struggled with infidelity, you are incapable of committing yourself. Or because you have tried recovery and failed, you are not capable of recovery. Such self-defeating thoughts make it very difficult to succeed in any long term change, because they keep you from fully committing yourself to it. When you believe you might fail, you prepare yourself for that failure.

Guilt/Shame - is needed for early recovery. Because it can drive you. But you need to begin letting go because it can start to become an obstacle in recovery. You've hurt people, you might feel sorry or plead for forgiveness but the most sincere way to apologize is by making sure you dont repeat it which means recovering and stopping your compulsive bhv.

Feeling guilt/shame does NOT excuse deflecting responsibility for your past and future actions. (besides, you CHOOSE your actions). are your actions influenced by your emotions? You can control your feelings, at least to the extent that you can look at them objectively and make the decision as to whether or not they are appropriate for a given situation. And if you aren't able to do this, it is a skill that can be learned fairly easily. Feelings are nothing more than a natural response to a perceived situation (perceptions come into play again, as well as your exepcted perceptions)

Letting go- You need to let go of the guilt/shame (just for recovery!) and start by forgiving yourself. Sincerely. Because your compulsive bhv begun as life challenged you but you had no better way to cope/deal with it.

Lesson 34 Exercise:

A. Describe a time in your life when the "Immediate Gratification" principle has come into play:

Well, nearly every day in subtle ways but a major one is when I was offered an opportunity to join a club. One that I always respected, always thought of joining but never bothered, one that would be fantastic on my uni cv next year. This would go with a LOT of my values, not just one. And this was my chance. I rejected it and never returned. I told myself it was a bit expensive and the meetings were too frequent, but I look back and really it was because every moment spent thinking about it gave me so much anxiety. I felt like I couldn't cope with it, and so instead of dealing or accepting it I just wanted to get rid of the anxiety and bam it went off my shoulders. (I dont remember if I returned to my compulsive bhv, this was actually jst a few months go). I dont particularly regret it but I fear im just telling myself that because I made the wrong choice.

B. As best as you can, describe the anxiety you feel when you are trying to NOT ACT on a compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Be specific. Compare it to other feelings of anxiety that you experience. The purpose of this exercise is to begin to define the limits of your emotions — and where your compulsive urges stand within those limits.

Well, it's actually not as bad as the one I just mentioned. But when a trigger, urge, etc occurs and I'm telling myself not to act out, it's either A- it goes away bye bye, I take a shower or begin thinking of something else, or B- it remains, my heart racing and I'm feeling more frustrated than anxious, I feel like someone brought me pizza but I cant eat it and I have to let it go bad and throw it away. I feel like 'its a waste' and 'do it now than later' and if I give in, I eat guilty pizza but if I don't, most of the time it actually goes away. The time it still doesn't then the anxiety begins. I have to constantly conciously fight off the urge to fantasize on the thought and my mind racing, clearly enjoying the thoughts. Like someone's given me a limited-available pizza and all I need to do is just start eating it.

C. As best as you can, describe the feeling that you experience while you are engaging in a certain compulsive sexual thought or behavior. Is it a trance-like feeling? Is it a hyper-alert feeling? If someone could get inside your mind as you were experiencing such a ritual, what would they find?

If addiction's core is need for imm gratification in the here and now, then the bhv feels like joy and pleasure in the here and now, and that nothing else matters. Like paradise. Trance-like, i guess. My mind racing and impatient, my heart beating off an adrenaline-like feeling. In engaging it, I feel as though my behavior will never end and that my life can just continue off this feeling for eternity. Now i realize there is an aspect overlooked in my wheel: disappointment. I feel disappointed that 'that's it? I need more' and that is another driving force behind my bhv. 'I want to repeat yesterday so that feeling continues.'

D. Share these insights in your recovery thread.

My values system is weak, obviously, but I realize that where it's strong I can withstand rejecting the imm gratification even if great. But where it's vulnerable is where the problem lies. So I need to strengthen it, if possible as much as things like my health and my academic performance.

As for guilt/shame, I did realize some time ago that my bhv has affected friends, family (Only thing is, yes, I have kept this a secret. They think it's just me. Does this still cont?) Only in the recent months have I been much more active with my parents and I know that had my emotional management been better, things could have been so much better with my family. But now I know better, and I forgive past me for not knowing better. At least now I can make the choice knowing what not to do.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Mar 24, 2020 6:06 am 
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Joined: Thu Feb 13, 2020 6:13 am
Posts: 63
I've just finished the lesson 33 exercise. though through 8 days, not 7. And in this past week, I realize, I slipped and relapsed. Once. And today I fought the urges. (note to future me: its not so bad.)

I realized, though i should've done so a long time ago, since my compulsive bhv is mostly done in my bathroom, i realize i associate the bathroom with my bhv. and my urges... Many urges come during the day, but mostly intensify when i'm there. Like, the bathroom itself i subconciously associate with the pleasure of my bhv.

I also realize, that my problems are way broader than i thought. It's with the entirety of all my emotions that im dealing with. I once thought about this a time ago before recovery. but brushed it awawy because i didn't think it was THE problem. that its with not just the emotions in my behavior, but with all of em.


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 Post subject: Lesson 35
PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2020 5:21 am 
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Joined: Thu Feb 13, 2020 6:13 am
Posts: 63
Health Monitoring II — Daily, Weekly: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_035.php
(messed up so will do until mid may)

Lesson 35 Exercise:

1) Evolve your daily monitoring as outlined above. Post the first thing you will be monitoring in this way in your thread for feedback and, share where you will be placing the reminder. Do not wait for feedback to begin.

Quote:
I will seek out opportunities to be mindful of, notice, and take control over my emotions (and actions), particularly anger and frustration

I will write it on a sticky note on my bedside, and also as a morning reminder on my phone.

2) Create your weekly agenda.

    1. Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment? Think specific actions.
    2. Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?
    3. Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behavior)?
    4. Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard?
    5. Over the past seven days, have I done my prayers properly?
    6. Over the past seven days, have I sought the opportunities to walk outside my comfort zone?
    7. Over the past 7 days, have I committed to dealing with my shit?
    Answered not in here


Last edited by Ed1043 on Fri May 08, 2020 5:19 am, edited 3 times in total.

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2020 7:38 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3893
Location: UK
Hello Ed

your quotes from recent posts

Quote:
in this past week, I realize, I slipped and relapsed.


Quote:
I fought the urges
.
you need to win this fight every time and learn from the experience of doing so

Quote:
(note to future me: its not so bad.)

actually it is as bad or indeed as good as you choose it to be

Quote:
i realize it is possible to control the impact of the emotions, and also control what choice is made.

but I still have a long way to go





Quote:
My values system is weak, At least now I can make the choice knowing what not to do.


Quote:
I also realize, that my problems are way broader than i thought. It's with the entirety of all my emotions


so you see you are learning, you now are starting to understand what is it that you need to do

Quote:
I will seek out opportunities to be mindful of, notice, and take control over my emotions (and actions), particularly anger and frustration


:g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g: :g:
get it done and celebrate your change HEALTHILY
good luck stay on track

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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