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PostPosted: Mon Mar 30, 2020 7:16 am 
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Hi coach kenzo, appreciate the feedback.
Also some notes of observations as i realized a few things

I mentioned earlier once I was addicted to gaming. didnt realize it was an addiction, but anyway since a few months or so i can do it casually with confidence, without worry that i'll fall back in to addiction. i realize the reason of this is because the guilt of unproductivity / contradicting my values (although, it is not explicitly a value) much outweighs the fun i get, even with new games. But also, and mainly, i found hobbies that can somewhat replace it. not as great as playing games, i admit, but has in essence replaced it. Not to the point of addiction, because these replacements dont give off the same immediate gratification as games. Now, this workshop is about sexual addiction, but I found there are parallels but also perpendiculars.

the parallels being the artificialness & compulsiveness. but that's where the similarities end (from my pov. please correct if im wrong). i cant find a thing to replace porn or masturbation that would be healthy. the guilt is not massive. the urges are very different. the engagement of the bhv is very different. i will be careful not to fall back into this when/as i transition to health from my sexual addiction.

but yesterday i noticed then if i spend a particularly day playing more games than usual, the urges to masturbate FEEL stronger. they're the same moreorless, without direct triggers that arouse me, but i perceive them to be stronger. more intense. the demand for immediate gratification is higher, just as i've spent a few hours indulging in immediate grat. just a different kind. i relapsed yesterday.

dont know what to make of this. Just an observation, with no actual conclusions to draw.


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 Post subject: Lesson 36
PostPosted: Mon Mar 30, 2020 8:22 am 
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The Role of Boundaries: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_036.php

Consistent boundaries hold your values in place (sorta) and draws an identifiable line when there is conflict/intrusion to your values. People who have mastered their boundaries tend to be confident with what happens in life, as they can remain in control and still protect their values.

Lesson 36 Exercise:
I. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.

- I ignored (social? etiquette?) boundaries and burst out in anger towards my friend, who unknowingly made a fatal mistake for a project. I, don't think, suffered the direct consequences although I did indirectly because it might have affected our friendship also felt a tinge of shame. But he did. But hes one to stay silent and stuff it in, rather then deflect anything.

- another: I was constantly comparing myself to someone I look up to. I got jealous. Because lack of boundaries of integrity. I still do, and still am, but slowly learning to let that go. I feel shame of not being able to be on par with this person, and constantly looking down upon myself. Like the lesson said, i lost self-esteem.

II. Describe a situation in your life where having solid boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.

- Having boundaries of integrity will help me be confident that I can be proud of myself, and if rumination tries stirring it away, I hope to be able to identify it rather than accept it and question myself.

- Having social boundaries (+ emotional boundaries) will aid me in realizing my emotions and reactions, as well as help me notice that insecurity coming in from the outside goes against my values.

This lesson was difficult. The concept itself is fine, i have no problem understanding. But internalizing it and also trying to think of these scenarios was mentally demanding and challenging. I dont know why.


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 Post subject: Lesson 37
PostPosted: Tue Mar 31, 2020 8:28 pm 
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Identifying personal boundaries: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_037.php

Lesson 37 Exercise:
I. List three of your highest values (values prioritized within the top five).

II. For each value, list at least five concrete boundaries (rules) that you will use to protect that value.

III. Absolute boundaries are those boundaries that under no circumstances will you ever cross. These must be realistic AND you must hold them in reverence. Typically, everyone should have at least three such absolute boundaries. List three that you will use to help manage your life.

1. Be proud of who I am. (Pride, integrity; mindset)
Rule #1: I will not obsess with jealousy over someone else's success
Rule #2: I will not do things that looking back will disgust myself.
Rule #3: I have the right to be proud of my past self (but) #3.5: I will not be complacent or get caught up stroking my ego
Rule #4: I have the right stand for myself as an individual.
Rule #5: I will not obsess of how others see me, or how I want to be seen.

2. Be more socially active & proactive
Rule #1: I will choose to be active rather than not, when given the choice.
Rule #2: I will consider to be active even when the opportunity is outside my comfort zone
Rule #3: I will not ruminate over a not-belonging sense.
Rule #4: I will accept vulnerability in social situations and embrace it.
Rule #5: I have the right to decline any event that makes me uncomfortable.

3. Take the opportunities and dare to walk out of my comfort zone
Rule #1: I will act according to what would make me proud when I look back in the future.
Rule #2: I will sip the shame so I don't guzzle the regret.
Rule #3: I will choose to try new things over staying in my comfort zone.
Rule #4: I have the right to choose otherwise.
Rule #5: I will not needlessly ruminate over the negative if I've given effort and tried.

Absolute boundaries
1. I will consider every opportunity - whether I take it or not, I will give thought to it.
2. I will not ignore my physical and emotional/mental health and wellness.
3. I will not ruminate over my image and opinion on me.


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 Post subject: Monitoring update
PostPosted: Fri Apr 03, 2020 6:20 am 
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Monitoring link
1) With school cancelled and social distancing in place rn, nothing very eventful happened. So the opportunities for anger and frustration to appear were very seldom. In general, though, I was able to notice some emotions and be mindful of them, whether while or right after it occurred. So overall I did ok but should more intense emotions appear I'm not confident in my ability to take control of them.

2) Im not sure but I think I'm supposed to answer the weekly monitoring every week so:
- Over the past seven days, from what areas of my life did I derive the majority of my meaning and fulfillment? Think specific actions.
Games, actually. :pe: Some books, activities in evolving my skills on I and music so there's that.
- Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my energy go?
On the willpower needed to bring myself to do online assignments and tasks.
- Given the meaning that I derived this week and the events I had to manage — how well did I do in maintaining emotional balance through healthy means? Were there times when my life management skills were inadequate and I ended up turning to artificial means (e.g. compulsive behavior)?
It's a bit 50-50. with so much more free time at home I turned to games more than before, and this week I relapsed once. today. But the rest of the week I've fought urges, and felt more confident than ever that I was in control of my choice, and that I would make a good one. Today i forgot to turn to my recovery thread in times of intense urges, i should ingrain that a bit more.
- Looking ahead to the next seven days, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard?
Lots and lots of annoying projects. Will take a lot of willpower to drag myself. I should anticipate frustration and maybe boredom.
- Over the past seven days, have I let my emotions dictate me or did I stand for myself?
removing this because 2nd question is similar, but it's a bit 50-50.
- Over the past seven days, have I done my prayers properly?
Yes, somewhat.
- Over the past seven days, have I sought the opportunities to walk outside my comfort zone?
I ignored one.


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 Post subject: Lesson 38
PostPosted: Fri Apr 03, 2020 6:51 am 
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Developing Healthy Boundaries: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_038.php

Responding to New Life Events: Writing a list to prepare for each and every thinkable life event is not practical. We should, instead, use our existing boundaries and previous life experiences to respond to life events.
Changing Existing Boundaries: In life, it's normal to suspend or adjust our boundaries. But choose carefully, it could destroy your values OR it could build onto it.

Lesson 38 Exercise:
I. Review the boundaries created to protect the values listed in the previous lesson.

II. Consider at least two situations where this value may be threatened. Are the existing boundaries enough to protect against this threat?
Considering few significant situations that have or are likely to happen, yes. But it does require me to be mindful of these rules/boundaries and act according to them.

III. If not, evolve your boundaries so that they are capable of allowing you to manage those situations.


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 Post subject: Lesson 39
PostPosted: Mon Apr 06, 2020 5:55 am 
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Healthy Sexual Boundaries: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_039.php

All compulsive sexual behavior is, at core, selfish and objectifying. You need to recognize and respects others' boundaries.
An addict's sexual values need to be demolished and then rebuilt. It will take a long time.

Lesson 39 Exercise:

Step 1 Take Inventory of Your Current Sexual Values (in file)

Step 2 Define an Ideal Ending
1. I will not engage in sexual activities that violate any of my or my partner's boundaries.
2. I will not engage in sexual activities with a partner that I don't have feelings for and Im not willing to vulnerable with.
3. I will not engage in sexual activities/behaviours solely for my stimulation and pleasure.
4. I will be considerate and discuss with my partner before engaging in sex, especially involving power & control.
5. I will not maintain an objectified, boundary-breaking view on a woman.

Step 3 (do note I don't have a partner atm)
- Sex does not reveal love.
- Masturbation is like video games - a normal thing until you indulge in it compulsively.
- Both parties should orgasm in sex.
- I & my partner each have the right to say 'no' to sex
- Sex is vulnerable
- Porn is disgusting and artificial
- I have the right to explore my sexual kinks with my partner
- We're meant to be if my partner and I orgasm at the same time
- Prostitution is too artificial.
- Having sex with a performer is the same as assisted masturbation with porn.
- Cuddling is cute
- Passionate sex can be awkward and should be embraced
- Popular media culture lies about sex
- It's not ok to fake an orgasm
- Laughing off awkwardness mid-sex is a sexy display of vulnerability
- Physically hitting, punching, kicking (unless softly for roleplay) is wrong and disgusting.
- Chemistry between the 2 parties is crucial in a sexual behavior
- Semi-nudes on social media are attention-seeking
- Porn is too accessible
- Kinks should be discovered via sex, not porn.
- Porn destroys connection and love.
- * I value my sexual curiosity as long as I can anticipate the urge and emotions from satisfying my curiosity

Step 4
- External pressure, whether from a potential partner or from the idea of social status.
- The firm ingraining of my current sexual values, or lack of internalizing of the healthysexual values.
- Intense emotions, that 'feel right' and lead me to making bad choices.
- Misunderstanding my feelings and emotions,

Step 5 : is it possible to ask a mentor/coach to assist? I've given thought and couldn't think of anyone I trust enough to give actual, objective feedback with this. If it has to be someone I personally know, then damn it.

"- Porn destroys connection and love"
    - I will not use porn to cope with rejection
    - I will not replace relationships with porn
    - I will not expect anything to be like what porn advertises
    - I will give more focus to connection than to sexual behavior
step 8: I don't know where to start. There's a documentary, but idk about non-scientificpaper esque books to read on this topic. Observing people is out of the window because of the current quarantine situation.


Last edited by Ed1043 on Wed Apr 22, 2020 3:16 am, edited 3 times in total.

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 Post subject: update
PostPosted: Tue Apr 07, 2020 5:45 am 
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A few things. With school closed and me unable to go out, several of my priority values have been suspended since I'm stuck at home, there's not much going on, and the only interactions I have are online. But I do my best to protect the ones I can.

Yesterday and today, I relapsed. Before that, the past two day I successfully fought strong urges and gained confidence in my abstinence and recovery. Today, before my relapse, I told myself, "do you really wanna choose that pleasure? or are you going to go for stability, abstain, for your recovery?". And that part of me said I just want it now.

My value-based decision making isn't there yet. obviously. But I dont know what I did right (or wrong) 3 days ago, and what insight I can learn from today, other than I MUST anticipate that other side of me when urges come. I'm going through the old lessons, redoing or reformatting if need, trying to see if I may have missed a few points.


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 Post subject: Re: update
PostPosted: Wed Apr 08, 2020 2:02 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2018 2:39 am
Posts: 195
Ed1043 wrote:
A few things. With school closed and me unable to go out, several of my priority values have been suspended since I'm stuck at home, there's not much going on, and the only interactions I have are online. But I do my best to protect the ones I can.

Yesterday and today, I relapsed. Before that, the past two day I successfully fought strong urges and gained confidence in my abstinence and recovery. Today, before my relapse, I told myself, "do you really wanna choose that pleasure? or are you going to go for stability, abstain, for your recovery?". And that part of me said I just want it now.

My value-based decision making isn't there yet. obviously. But I dont know what I did right (or wrong) 3 days ago, and what insight I can learn from today, other than I MUST anticipate that other side of me when urges come. I'm going through the old lessons, redoing or reformatting if need, trying to see if I may have missed a few points.


Hi Ed,
Sorry to hear that you relapsed.
You said your value based decision making is not there yet, but it is something that you need to get a hold of as soon as possible or else review the values you are using. I understand that being alone under the current circumstances is VERY challenging and hopefully you will find a way through.
My background and values are not identical to yours, so I cannot comment on a like for like basis, but I know that the values I set up for myself are strong enough for me not to slip.
My tip would be:
Check over your values & boundaries
Review why you did so well 2 days before.
Have you got enough healthy options to cover you through the crisis?

Good luck & stay safe!

_________________
“Change your thoughts, change your life.” ~Lao Tzu
Regards
T


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 08, 2020 9:25 am 
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[quote="Theseus1112"][/quote]
Hi Theseus,

I reviewed lesson 3 and my values list and while me top 15 in the plan are mostly solid concrete, I have added a few minor things I overlooked before. I think I'm good, so far since lesson 32 I've been more consistent with my values.

two days before the post, I looked back and realize that most of it was willpower . Which is a concern, because I know that's not how I'm supposed to kee/hold abstinenAce. But there was me opening my recovery thread and reading past key lessons. Perhaps, with my confidence, I did not anticipate strong urges. I think I fell complacent with that confidence.

Have you got enough healthy options to cover you through the crisis?
Some time ago I was sure I do. Assessing now, I see that there were (and still are) a few life stressors, which include my pursuit of my top values. Particularly stressing over assignments, so I think I will be taking more breaks and embrace my new hobbies. Aside from that, yes :)

Thank you so much for the response. I'll be sure to have a hold on my lacking value based decisions


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 Post subject: update
PostPosted: Fri Apr 10, 2020 6:28 am 
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I just remembered, that time I relapsed, I spent an hour that day doing lesson 39's sexual behavior exercise, particularly step 1. Where picturing all these scenes for so long just frustrated me, then eventually it turned into an intense urge. I didn't remember bcs I just recall it as doing an exercise. But since, so far I am clean for a few days.

removed question, new update 11 apr: Still clean. Since most of my relapses occur after an urge, usually in the shower evening and usually a hint of boredom, anticipating the urge seems crucial but simple because it's not out of the blue. I know now I can trust my values and rationale, so anticipating the rush of intense urges is it.


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 Post subject: Update/check
PostPosted: Sun Apr 12, 2020 7:20 am 
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Few things I learnt or relearnt. Mostly from 'Free Porn'

My fear of vulnerability is connected to my compulsive sexual bhv. In the way of the emotions involved.

The triggers that I get have no power. The stimuli is irrelevant. It's what you perceive as a trigger.
I thought "it's all in your head" cannot and should not be applied to addiction. I guess it can
I was aware n understood that it's the emotions attached that are the problem, but I only fully grasped it now.

I understood the things coach kenzo said. But only now has it connected. Im ashamed it took this long.

So far still going good. Resisted urges, trusted my rationale. I'm getting confidence. But I know last time I was confident I got complacent, so I will be aware. As for workshop, lesson 39, I may have to take this slow because of the current quarantine situation, so I have less options. But Im sure I can still do it.


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 Post subject: Lesson 40
PostPosted: Tue Apr 14, 2020 10:05 pm 
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Respecting the Boundaries of Others: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_040.php

Lesson 40 Exercise:
I. Choose someone in your life that you feel close to. A spouse. A child. A parent. A friend. Rather than assuming what boundaries they have; or what values they want protected...take some time to step into their lives. Refresh those perceptions that you have. Consider how you can HELP THEM reinforce those boundaries. Post a few thoughts about this in your thread.
    Logically I would have a talk with them. And ask what they prioritize in life and how they feel about this, that. Or observe the choices they make when confronted with one but that could be assuming. To help a friend protect their values I would support them in their doings. If they valued getting better at art I'd be sure to almost always give my honest feedback because lying is not only against mine, but could be detrimental to their progression (maybe?)
    If our values aligned I would be sure to give a good example/role model if I can and have discussions on the topic. If we value academic performance I'd be sure to show them to do well and let them know when they're going astray off the value.

II. Consider what you could do should YOU become aware that you have violated a boundary of theirs.
    Apologize is the first thing that came to mind. Sincerely. perhaps make sure they recognize what I did and help them recognize they're not in the wrong, that they have a right to boundaries in case they feel guilt.

III. Consider your reaction should they tell you that you have violated a boundary of theirs. Think beyond defensiveness...keep working until you grasp a healthy reaction.
    I'd ask how. i may be defensive but im sure i would ask how/why first. I imagine my reaction may be to shrug it off / brush it off and not bother about it too much, ESPECIALLY if i dont realize how i am in the wrong / what mistake i made. For example if someone asked me to stop insulting em even if I was joking. In this case I can see this reaction from me occurring.
    But if understanding came, I know I would apologize and then reflect to learn from my mitake, should it come to mind again.

IV. Share your thoughts in your recovery thread.
    I'll be honest. Much of my interaction with others since school is cancelled is either via chat, audio call, or face-to-face with immediate family. So while imagining now and working on this in future is still possible, picturing a lot of things is difficult because I haven't met any friend in a month or so now. So my only option really is to observe my family members' boundaries. But man I wished things were back normal. I hope it will be soon.

    another thought- All this assumes communication is perfect between the two parties. So that needs working on first before the others. Which means, if I feel like my friend is holding back I will ask them if I violated a boundary of theirs, or if smth is wrong.


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 Post subject: Lesson 41
PostPosted: Sat Apr 18, 2020 8:06 am 
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Mastering Boundary Awareness: http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/ ... op_041.php

Lesson 41 Exercise:
    It is your job to eventually identify and master the boundaries that exist to protect all of your highest values. This cannot be accomplished in a single sitting.

    Over the next month, keep a log of the moderate to major events that occur in your life and assess your ability to deal with these events in terms of your existing boundaries. Family arguments, decisions, chore assignments, etc. All are related to your values and all should have boundaries that protect those values. With each event, identify the event itself, the values that were infringed upon, the existing boundaries that were in place to protect those values and any additional rules/boundaries that may help you the next time you face a similar situation.

    There is no need to write all of this out as long as you are actively deepening your awareness of the role that these boundaries played in protecting/abandoning your values (though if you have the time, writing them all out would prove to be a tremendous benefit). EXAMPLE in lesson.
(I plan to write them out - I do have time in the midst of quarantine anyway)

Mastering Boundary Awareness: In Others > due to be done. Will either be either of my parents, or a close friend of mine


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 Post subject: update/check
PostPosted: Tue Apr 21, 2020 11:07 am 
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2 weeks in no relapse but a few things worth noting down here

today I was faced with an urge, a strong one. no relapse dw. I recognize beyond it just there was my point of no return in the breaking down of my compulsive ritual. There is a voice, a part of.me, something telling me I would rather relapse. immediate grat, comfort, pleasure. its correct and its always there when I am faced with triggers. doesnt matter how much of a choice I have and what decision I make. does this go away? I want to know.

In an earlier update I mentioned my game compulsion. well yesterday tried a new game and have been ignoring half my values ever since. Thing is I was aware of this possibility. so I asked myself, why did I do it anyway? curiousity. also new thing. also I can keep it under control.

I was able to remind myself of my recovery journey, my valurs, and my CHOICE when I face an urge. Iornically with the more ingrained values I have ignored them the past 2 days. There might be something hidden with how I feel with this particular game but mostly immediate gratification and my overconfidence that "im jist trying it out for a while"

now the question moving forward. I ask myself do I refrain completely from games, considering they are made to hook you in 247 after all. Or do I learn to balance it with everything else? My boundaries are incomplete hahah still WIP but my values say make productive use of time available. not necessarily the MOST productive use. However going with the latter will teach time management. ill think later again but I will ensure this does not become compulsive..

aside from that I have balanced my days with values well and many urges came but I managed to, very manually, think of my recovery and choice.

when you try to apply boundaries to day2day activities, like this. how did this happen? well when you do that you often realize the values you write down, while often correct are usually incomplete. I value my curiosity and right to 'a break' but NEVER thought about that until an hour ago.


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 Post subject: lesson 41 event
PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2020 9:08 pm 
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event with bathroom
reaction: I felt at victim, helpless, anxiety, fear. external blame. I stuffed it in, did not outburst. tried to isolate asap
values involved: self integrity/respect, emotional wellness, personal growth & dev., limits, family connection.
existing boundaries: stuff it in and shut up. cry.
effectiveness: semipoor, because while it prevented further igniting of the fire, it did not solve the issue at core.
new boundaries: Not enough communication. Need more verbal and explicit communication, no jumping to conclusions or keepting to self.
the issue at hand is me doubting the new boundaries in here. I know it would work better but I feel doubtful and afraid just doing it myself. im not sure what it is. it's just difficult to have the balls and take it out and actually do it to solve the issue. again i dont know how to describe the feeling

update/check i have not relapsed, i have improved and align my day with my values since last post. still room for improvement. lots.


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