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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2020 7:49 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3893
Location: UK
Hello FR
perhaps a quote from a fellow recoverer might be worth reflecting on

Quote:
I didn’t struggle with this lesson as much as the previous one, and in fact it made me go back and have a look at the last one and refine what I had written. I definitely needed to try and understand WHY this is an important skill. It can be too easy to just try and rush through these lessons to tick them off rather than to fully engage with them and integrate the learning.

This did help me to see the practical uses for measuring my behaviours, although I still find it to be quite an uncomfortable thing to do. Maybe that’s also because there is a level of defensiveness in my behaviour that wants to protect itself. In reality, that’s probably me just talking about it in a way that distances the behaviour from me rather than accepting my ultimate responsibility for the choices that I take!

I can really see the value in breaking down the behaviour into smaller and more manageable parts, and deconstructing the mystery of it. Over so many years, I have allowed myself to argue that it’s way bigger than me and way more powerful


hoping that this influences you to see the worth of the effort required to overcome your stumbling block of this lesson
it really is worthwhile

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Mar 26, 2020 11:44 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 52
After putting some time into understanding what I could of lesson 22 I have a pattern of needing to feel accomplished or to provide accomplishment of orgasm for someone else. The need to feel accepted and wanted. That I have something to give and someone else wants it.

For the most part my compulsive behaviours are solely based off that desire. The rest of the things I feel are just the nerves and nausea that I put myself through to reach that end result.

I may have or may not have completed Lesson 22 fully but it immediately helped me understand what it is I looked for in my past.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2020 8:38 am 
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Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3893
Location: UK
Hi
Quote:
I may have or may not have completed Lesson 22 fully but it immediately helped me understand what it is I looked for in my past.


you are not in a race, take your time but please do not lose focus or impetus
You have considered a ritual that you have engaged in.

Now reflect and analyse what main elements of that ritual satisfied your immediate need but then went on to make more "perceived"demands upon you

Theses should be your own reflections but likely will include
Power. Anticipation, Accomplishment ....................................................................

I personally found this lesson difficult but eventually very rewarding

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Apr 01, 2020 2:14 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 52
Good Wednesday to you all.
Going a little stir crazy here lately but remaining focused.
I wanted to just reach out in my personal thread to those who are following along and say hello. Also to say how pleased it makes me to see so many of you adding to your own threads these days.
Stay strong. Stay healthy and stay safe!


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PostPosted: Sun Apr 05, 2020 12:16 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 52
Due to the change in home life I have been distracted in my RN posting. It's been a positive distraction due to the activities my wife and my family are engaging in together however it is not positive in the fact that I am not gaining traction in my growth to health.

I have remained in touch with my other aspects of recovery but in a lesser value to a point.

I wanted to comment on Lesson 22. I put in more time than I felt was asked to put into it, for now. I will go back and add to my other 2 compulsive behaviours as time goes on but I feel I should move on to the remaining lessons ahead.

I have found that the changes at home have been positive in my life but I do see that they may eventually add a possible higher level of stress. I am preparing myself for this to happen and have been discussing our future with my Wife openly.

I will make adjustments to my life and finances as challenges come, but I'll do that by openly talking to my Wife and coming up with a mutual goal rather than taking all the stress on myself and feeling like I am the only provider in the family like I have in the past. I like to "fix" things but I am aware now that often my "fixing" was done in a very shady manner. Keeping the truth from my Wife to try and create work arounds is not healthy. It was manipulative and untrustworthy. I am moving forward with an honest and trustworthy manner.

Onward and upward!

Stay healthy and safe everyone.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 07, 2020 6:41 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 52
Lesson 23

What I take away from lesson 22 is that using practical lessons to measure my compulsion allows me to really understand my emotions and the way I internally feel. Also, it shows me the rituals or patterns I've created from childhood from situations I may not have even realized made such a huge impact in my life.

These lessons provide me the ability to continue to gain more and more self awareness so that I can change those rituals and begin to grow healthier routines and abilities in my decision making.

Doing this will grow my confidence and my personal health and self esteem. It will allow me to begin loving myself for who I am because I am making positive changes.

Continued success may also bring closure to some situations in my life that continue to bring emotional instability.

It definitely gives me the knowledge to recognize these feelings as they happen and provide me tools to make the proper decisions using more than emotional based decisions to make these choices. They can be logical ones instead.

In short, it allows me to grow up and be more than an emotional inadequate selfish addict, it turns me into a logical more than adequate selfless mature person.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 13, 2020 11:41 am 
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Lesson 24

I am editing this to my most recent episode. I was having a harder time analyzing and remembering the elements that occurred in my past, so I have used something that is a present moment.

I intend on putting into this what is expected while not overanalyzing.

This compulsive behaviour was my inability to cope with emotions and circumstances like a regular person.

The steps I processed through this were as follows:

1.) Element 1 - Had a good day. Life circumstances caused anger, frustration and resent towards a neighbour. However my day was going well with my wife and family.
2.) Element 2 - We were outside attempting to celebrate life and health with each other as neighbours minus one of the six families in our community. As we were about to cheers and have a drink with each other from our driveways, the "problem" neighbour came home.
3.) Element 3 - As a strata community this neighbour is a compulsive complainer about anything and everything when it comes to the rest of us. Yet won't accept or acknowledge any errors or offensive behaviour on their own part. They have caused the community to feel that they are very entitled. They also are not social distancing or self isolating when they say they should be, yet they believe they are. So element three comes at many different aspects. I am angry, frustrated, disgusted yet I am also trying to forgive and understand why they do and say the things they are doing and saying.
4.) Element 4 - My wife removed herself from the gathering due to her feelings towards the neighbour. So I did as well, however, my wife came in and sat on the couch and began surfing facebook on her phone. Leaving me isolated on the couch waiting for her to put her phone down.
5.) Element 5 - Instead of resorting to old behaviours and going on my phone or being insensitive to my wife's need to decompress, I stood up and began to go outside to socialize with the neighbours we do get along with.
6.) Element 6 - As I was about to walk outside my Wife looked at me with disapproval and disappointment and said "where are you going?" I responded outside for a bit and then her response was "Why are you not supporting me!?"
7.) Element 7 - She stormed upstairs as I sat down on the couch allowing many emotional thoughts to course through my blood and my brain. Demeaning, self worth associated, anger, resentment, and many other crazy delusional thoughts.
8.) Element 8 - Now if this were my past, these thoughts would have continued, and I would have isolated myself. Resorted to being on my phone.
9.) Element 9 - I would have spent as much time as needed finding someone who would show me the respect, the love, the friendship, the closeness I wanted and expected.
10.) Element 10 - I would have grown that friendship into an online delusional relationship. Sharing false facts that closely related to my real life so that my lies were easily remembered and believable.
11.) Element 11 - I would have eventually shared both pics and videos of myself but only after I swindled my suave lies into coaxing her to share hers.
12.) Element 12 - This would continue until the rush and feelings plateaued or I felt remorseful to which I would either move onto finding someone new, or I would close the app and return to my real life.
13.) Element 13 - This repeated cycle caused my feelings towards my Wife to snowball. Causing greater resentment and anger etc.
14.) Element 14 - Further distancing and self isolation from her would occur here.
15.) Element 15 - If i masturbated to another woman or shared something I normally wouldn't I'd become full of shame, guilt and remorse and stop for a few hours or days but the cycle would return.

The changes that have occurred with Covid-19 have made a drastic difference in my daily life. It has taken a chunk of my personal time that I have used to read and write in here as well as focus. I have begun to read another one of my recovery books and remain in my group meetings. I will attempt to create some time to focus and continue with RN as soon as possible.

Thanks everyone.

Stay safe and healthy


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 30, 2020 6:57 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 52
Lesson 25

Compulsive Element

Measuring and identifying my compulsive rituals begins with recognizing when I begin to isolate myself from my Wife, family and others. Comparing myself to certain measurements of others I begin to cycle through negative thought processes in my head which leads me into the next process.

Compulsive Rituals

When the negative thought process begins I mentally, emotionally and physically isolate myself from everyone. My mind takes over and I become weak to real life and delusionally "stronger" and angrier. I become "right" and everyone else is wrong.

Compulsive Chains

When I get to the above point, If I'm not able to change or distract myself or better yet, talk it through with my Wife I begin to hide things from her and my family. I begin to live in and on my phone. Searching for something I believe should or could be better. If the phone isn't my go to, it would then be me making an excuse to leave the house in search of a woman to compliment in person. Hoping for a positive reaction.

(I have found in my current recovery that I have been successful in eliminating ritual 2 by immediately talking to my Wife and discussing my feelings before they get out of control. This then allows me the real life perception that I over analyzed the situation and let it get out of control emotionally, myself.)


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PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2020 12:47 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 52
This is an outside tool I am using in my recovery, not associated with RN.

Workbook Lesson 1.
15 question - My Sex Addict Self-Screening Quiz

1.) Yes, I found myself relying on sexual fantasy and sex seeking. It became more important than all else, including family.
2.) Yes, I regret the amount of time I put into my sex addiction each and every time I came back to real life.
3.) Yes, Each time the pain, shame, guilt or remorse got worse enough, I promised to quit doing what I was doing. Only to return again. Sometimes within minutes other times weeks or months but I always returned.
4.) Yes, even though I've been married I lived a secret life of sexual fantasy or activities.
5.) Yes, I commonly lost myself and my feelings using my phone or even out in the real world. My feelings would disappear and my emotional desire would take over. This would happen even if I had no intention of doing so.
6.) Yes, My obsession and compulsion reduced my ability to stay focused or present with my Wife, children, work and other occurrences.
7.) Yes, I hid and kept my sexual and romantic pursuits secret from everyone.
8.) Yes, My compulsive behaviour has caused negative effects and ruined relationships in my life. I would choose addiction over all healthy communication and activities.
9.) Yes, I hid or covered up aspects of my sexual life hoping to avoid consequences if I was to be found out or discovered.
10.) Yes, My Wife does feel that my sexual activities in my compulsive behaviours violate our Marriage, our friendship and our commitment.
11.) Yes, my behaviours have caused me to lose the marital honest trusting bond that my Wife and I once had.
12.) This is a hard one to answer. No, I have never been arrested warned or legally reprimanded for my actions but, yes, I have been reprimanded by my Wife for my actions.
13.) No, I do not view, share or engage in illegal sexual activity.
14.) Yes, My Wife has complained or expressed concern over my compulsive behaviours.
15.) Yes, I became resentful, angry, defensive and ashamed when asked to talk about or confront my compulsive behaviours/sexual activities.

Let me restate that this is not part of my RN. I am using this as a safe place to share my responses to another workbook I am using. This gives me the ability to share openly, "putting it out on the table"


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PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2020 1:05 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 52
My additional recovery workbook

Exercise 2 in my Workbook

Examples of my preoccupation/obsession:

* Would wake up in bed and immediately grab my phone to "check in"
* Masturbated if I woke up aroused
* Finding any way to make myself unhealthily feel better about myself because of my low self esteem.

These are some things about my preoccupation/obsession with sex that make me feel guilt, shame, remorse etc and why:

* attempting to sink my feelings into an online fake relationship. Because I have a loving Wife who I should be sharing everything with instead of dealing with it myself.
* Masturbation to any extent. Because it assisted in my inability to be romantic and intimate with my Wife. It was part of my sexual anorexia.
* My inability to feel emotions properly and deal with natural consequences. This was most prevalent for me during the time of my Mom's terminal diagnosis. I missed my last year and a half with her because I sheltered myself from feeling pain by losing myself in video games.

This is a list of my attempts that I've made to quit my sexual behaviours and approximate length of time:

* My first attempt was shortly after my marriage. I was only pretending to quit.
* My second attempt eludes my memory
* Third attempt also eludes my memory
* My fourth attempt was when I was caught talking and exchanging pictures on my mobile device. This was approximately 6 months of sobriety.
* Fifth attempt I was given some flexibility to use social media and I began to flirt. This did not cause me to refrain, it caused anger and caused me to be more aware of how to get around suspicion.
* My sixth and final attempt was after being caught for having an inappropriate (but not illegal) photo on my phone due to allowing my children to use my phone. This has now been 92 days of sobriety and the reason I am on RN, going to groups, using another workbook, calling sponsors, Increasing my spiritual connection, speaking to a therapist and openly communicating with my Wife is because I intend on never ending this recovery/sobriety.


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PostPosted: Mon May 11, 2020 11:44 am 
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Joined: Mon Feb 10, 2020 3:22 am
Posts: 52
Lesson 26

I want to state with 100% certainty that the ritualistic behaviour example put out in this lesson describes my behaviour almost to a tee. With that being said I am going to copy and paste it here and make some minor adjustments to it that fit my thoughts.

Element #1 Find an attractive woman in any place available to create an emotional arousal with.

Emotional measurement: The face is the initial feature I "assess" than it's their legs or the rear.

Element #2 Begin flirting

Emotional measurement: I do so to see if I get a positive reaction. This positive reaction gives me the "all clear".

Element #3 Urge to communicate with her is felt. An attempt to find a positive reaction from the words I choose to use.

Emotional measurement: A general compliment is given and if I get a positive reaction that urge intensifies. It presents the urge to further the conversation.

Element #4 Fantasize about what it would be like to be with her romantically and sexually.

Emotional measurement: The only emotional response I get from this is satisfaction in believing I can be sexual with a beautiful woman because of my self esteem. That I can be manipulative and coax them into liking me.

Element #5 Fantasize about how I could approach her and compulsively and quickly think of the best way to do so. Usually by providing a compliment while hiding my wedding ring.

Emotional measurement: By providing the best line or compliment might improve my chances of a positive reaction thus furthering the possibility of more engagement.

Element #6 Wonder if she would be interested in me and progress beyond the typical "thank you".

Emotional measurement: Provides me a shortened but heightened feeling of self worth.

Element #7 Try to get up the nerve to approach her. Depending on the particular situation the nerves can be low or high slowing the advancement of my compliment.

Emotional measurement: This provides he "butterflies" effect for me. The lead up to the approach is the second highest feeling of euphoria.

Element #8 Send her a note "anonymously" after discovering what she drives or parks her car and fantasizing about her reaction.

Emotional measurement: I have only done this once and the act scared me. But the result I was looking for was that of acknowledgment and hoping for the "go ahead" to pursue more interactions.

Element #9 Become "innocent friends"

Emotional measurement: Through out the course of my compulsive behaviour this was always a hope that never occurred.

Element #10 Get to know each other in a "safe" environment

Emotional measurement: Hope that further communication would bring us closer providing more opportunity to connect one on one intimately.

Element #11 Create a situation where sexual activity is possible...

Emotional measurement: Accomplishment of knowing I am found attractive and worthy of love.


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PostPosted: Fri May 22, 2020 1:56 pm 
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Lesson 27

A compulsive chain where I've used two rituals simultaneously is one where I have masturbated or gotten myself to erection and put myself in a place where I may have been seen. In a situation where masturbation caused no sense of arousal, the thought of being seen would add to the stimulation causing the height of arousal to become greater.

An example of a compulsive ritual string would be the above as well, but continuing putting myself in a situation of being caught the moment the arousal level lowered. Another string would be if I stayed inside, i would find an attractive woman's picture or video to watch to keep the arousal going, or I'd talk with a female and send her pictures or videos of me masturbating to keep the arousal going.

Both of the above being unnatural and unhealthy situations in my sex addiction and intimacy anorexia. Fantasy and the need for furthering my need for greater stimulation, due to my subconscious need to be fulfilling because I felt inadequate, caused a great deal of stress in my sexual and intimate relationship with my Wife.


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