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PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2018 4:55 am 
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I pulled this from the community forum as a personal reminder, this I must not lose sight of , become complacent about or ever stray from, hence It is now here where I can find it easily

Quote:
I thought that I was hoping to win back some element of trust from my ex , however I now believe that I was expecting this, what a T**T
What gives me, the perpetrator of her pain and suffering the right to expect anything from her?

Anything she gives or does not give is her choice and quite simply I need to be fully appreciative of that fact as well as being appreciative and very grateful for anything that she bestows
She on the other hand can expect truth, respect, love, honour,faithfulness, consistency and growth from me if I want to play any part in her present and future life, additionally I demand this from myself in my journey through life

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 6:09 am 
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I LIED
The other evening my ex and I were sitting together me watching a documentary on TV her watching a video on her computer using earphones
Several times she stopped her video nudged me and either showed me some footage or made a comment
At one point I nudged her and beckoned her to pause and remove her earphones, she held up her hands and shook her head pointing towards her screen
I repeated my action to which she responded with
Quote:
What is it that you want?

My mind said
Quote:
Quote:
To be treated equally
, but then processed the potential ramifications of that comment
So my mouth said
Quote:
Nothing
, a simple lie but a lie nonetheless

My reason for posting this is to ensure that today I admit and discuss this lie with her and then to analyse and deliberate how and why could I believe that after all that I have done, how the F***could I be her equal?

Anon pulled me on the use of the word expect in a recent post and now I am thinking equability
Does selfishness, a common trait in addiction, still live within me?
Reflection required

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 07, 2018 10:44 am 
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Hi Kenzo,

An interesting deliberation. There has been much debate in the community forum on the regaining of trust and it think it is fair to say that there was a general consensus that trust may never be regained to the same extent after such violation. In that sense our partners may well always be in the driving seat for determining (or at least leading conversation about) intimacy and the physical side of the relationship and in my view rightfully so. It is the price we have paid for our selfishness.

However, should that "upper hand" lead into every aspect of our relationship? You give an example of interrupting each other whilst watching TV/laptops, is that right that one should be able to interrupt and the other can not because of our SA past? I would strongly suggest you were not being selfish in the way that you acted. And to perhaps be fair to your ex, she may not have minded you interrupting her as that wasn't clear from your post? I would argue that as a relationship works through recovery it would be very important that some/most areas (particular those not directly involving intimacy) do achieve a level playing field otherwise that does not sound like it is a recovery that will be sustainable to both sides to me. Our partners will not wish to hold every card all of the time any more than we would want them to I'm sure.

My comments are perhaps better suited to a community forum post than to your personal thread but I know that you appreciate the challenge of an opposing thought to contemplate but apologies if this is misplaced. Like many others on RN I see where you are as the future that I hope to achieve for myself in due course in terms of your journey but I know that I would not want to end up feeling that my wife could interrupt my TV viewing but I could not reciprocate!

Good luck with your deliberations and subsequent discussion with your ex.

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L2R

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 11, 2018 6:12 am 
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Thanks for dropping in L2R
Opinions / advice / views from a different perspective / kicks up the a*** etc. that comply with the forum rules, are always welcome as they do prompt more thought, so again thanks

With regard to the interrupting

Quote:
I would strongly suggest you were not being selfish in the way that you acted

I totally agree and never thought otherwise
but
I LIED
Why did I lie?

Because I wanted to say that I want to be treated equally, I want to be her equal in life but how and why could I believe that after all that I have done how the F***could I be her equal?

I continue to strive to win back her trust, I know that even though we divorced we still have our love and that we are the very best of friends but can I ever be her equal? I expect not, but that does not mean giving up on and striving for that dream

I lied to protect myself from potential confrontation, confrontation that she has every right to voice
Confrontation is part of her healing, it hurts her but it also helps her, particularly in the longer term, I need to accept that fact and take it on the chin


Definition of selfish
Quote:
concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others


was my decision selfish, was sidestepping a potential confrontation selfish?, perhaps so but does that mean I am still selfish?
I do not believe so but will think on this further,

Quote:
Good luck with your deliberations and subsequent discussion with your ex.


Well this did not turn out as well as it could have
During the discussion my previous actions were “brought up” whereupon I said that I am now a different person, her response
Quote:
No you are the same person doing different things


My reaction
Quote:
OK we are back to the adage of once an addict always an addict and doing different things is abstention not recovery
,

On further quiet reflection perhaps she was saying that I chose to act out, I chose to become addicted and now I am choosing recovery, the I being the constant, but I do not fully accept the constant I!

I now have values and boundaries a different core, yes I crossed a boundary both for her and for me by lying and I will learn from that and continue in recovery not in abstinence

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 17, 2018 4:39 am 
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I have been reading recently (again) articles asking
“Is sex addiction real does it exist?”
The “experts”and many others cannot agree
I include the words "many others" to capture the opinions of much of the not directly affected general public, some partners and indeed some addicts

Many say that the term is used as an excuse for sexual behaviours and excesses , many including myself at the point of my D day simply denied that there was a problem, thereafter having accepted that there was a problem, the denial that it controlled me and my actions, I made excuses and continued to lie
I like many others was wrong

A year ago this week I posted

A reminder to myself a quote from THE Coach - Jon

Quote:
What is Sexual Addiction?
Sexual Addiction is one of the most frequently misunderstood terms in behavioral health. To understand what sexual addiction is, let us first examine what it is not. Sexual Addiction is not a disease--by AMA standards. It is not an excuse for having marital affairs, nor is it a defense in criminal proceedings involving sexual behavior. It is neither rare, nor incurable. Sexual addiction is not found in the majority of rapists and stalkers. The vast majority of sexual addicts are no more likely to engage in child molestation or rape than a randomly-selected stranger. In fact, many times, the sexual addict is actually less likely to engage in such behaviors due to their skewed value system. So then, what is sexual addiction?

Sexual addiction is nothing more than a continuing pattern of unwanted compulsive sexual behavior that has had a negative impact on an individual's personal, social and/or economic standing. Let's break the most important parts of that sentence down:

"A Continuing Pattern" An occasional session of masturbation, a single affair, even a past series of date rapes do not constitute a continuing pattern. Sexual addiction is defined by an ongoing series of sexual behaviors, including the preoccupation with and the planning of those behaviors. Usually, these patterns become more and more ritualized, and this ritualization often serves as a measuring stick for the extent of their addiction.

"Unwanted" If someone is engaged in sexual behavior of their choosing, even when this behavior brings about significant negative consequences, this does not, in and of itself, warrant a definition of addiction. To be addicted, the person in question must have, at some point, felt the desire to stop (even if that desire no longer exists).

"Compulsive Sexual Behavior" The key to this phrase is the term "sexual behavior"--which should be interpreted loosely. Sexual behavior involves ANY type of sexual behavior--including sexual preoccupation, rumination and fantasy. Someone who can't stop thinking about sex can incur consequences that are just as significant as someone actually engaged in the behaviors themselves. The overwhelming majority of compulsive sexual behavior comes from "victimless" behavior--masturbation, prostitution, pornography, promiscuity. This, however, should never be misconstrued to think that the addiction isn't as severe, or as potentially devastating as those involving the more rare behaviors such as rape, stalking and molestation.

"Negative Impact" Add to this self-explanatory phrase, "or the potential for a negative impact--should the behavior(s) be discovered."

"Personal, Social or Economic Standing" What constitutes "negative impact"? Just about anything can have a negative impact on a person's life. Most often, sexual addiction negatively impacts people in the following ways:
Personal: Negative feelings frequently are exhibited through guilt and shame, low self-esteem, depression, thoughts of suicide and/or self-mutilation. Frequently, the dependence on other targets such as drugs and alcohol or gambling stem from the same addictive processes that trigger the sexual behavior. One's self-identity becomes distorted, either through delusions of sexual grandeur or through self-loathing. Both can be devastating to maintaining balance and satisfaction in one's life.

Social: Existing interpersonal relationships become strained or destroyed. The need for secrecy inhibits the development of intimacy, especially with long-term romantic partners, friends and family. Over time, few new long-term relationships are built as the longer the addiction progresses, the more social interactions become either an active part of the addiction, or a means of distraction.

Economic: Often, the discovery of one's involvement in socially deviant and/or criminal behavior can have a devastating effect on one's career. Overtly, behaviors such as sexual harassment, an arrest for statutory rape, a child molestation conviction can mean not only the immediate loss of employment, but the exclusion of certain types of careers. Subtly, even constant ruminations and fantasies can keep people from reaching their full professional potential. The noted exception to this is the dual sexual addict/workaholic--who tends to excel in just about all areas professionally.
More important than the definition of sexual addiction, is the personal definition of a "sexual addict". How do you know if someone is a sexual addict? What does it mean to be a sexual addict? Is there anything that can be done, once the diagnosis of "sexual addict" is made? When trying to define whether or not someone is a sexual addict, keep this in mind: it doesn't matter. If someone is displaying sexual behavior that is for some reason or another having a negative impact on your life (or theirs), then something needs to be done. No matter if that behavior meets the definition of "addiction"; no matter if the person meets the criteria for "an addict". Nobody ever recovers from a label, they recover from their reliance on an unhealthy pattern of thoughts and behaviors.All it means to be a sexual addict is that an individual is currently displaying a pattern of compulsive sexual behavior that is having a negative impact on their life. They still have the same types of sincere feelings, good thoughts and emotional quirks that are a part of us all. In a nutshell, they have learned to use sexual behavior to manage their emotions (temporarily). Just as others sometimes balance their emotions with food, or cigarettes, or spending, or alcohol, sexual addicts use sexual thoughts and behavior to manage theirs.

Unfortunately, like other addictions, this type of stress management is quite effective for immediate relief, but the negative impact that is felt later tends to only increase the stress that they feel. Thus, the need for even more "stress management". It's a vicious cycle that at some point gets completely out of hand and the person eventually loses touch with society's values and begins to depend on sexual behavior to regulate feelings. This is one reason why it is so important to get this person into a recovery program that includes an emphasis on personal and social values. Without it, recovery will just be a matter of replacing one unhealthy behavior pattern with another. That is a dangerous and destructive proposition.


I now add from my own experiences:
Sex addiction is for sure a reality, how do I know?
Because I went to the ever increasing depths in the need to satisfy ever more frequent “thrills”allowing me to “cope” with whatever reality in life put my way

I turned back, I am a different person, a real person a much better person, I recovered

However, (I like that term as it usually provokes thought)

Sexual addiction exists only because we individuals CHOOSE to let it exist
Acting out is often the progression of experimentation, the “what if” factor, but as with most experiments the answer usually is more questions, hence we choose to follow a path
We choose to deny the harm being caused
We choose to deny that we are driven by compulsion
We choose to deny that we have lost control of our lives
We choose to continue in our search for “what” we dont know and likely dont realise that we are searching
We Lie
We choose to be addicts
WE can CHOOSE not to follow these paths and traits we can CHOOSE TO RECOVER

So I say to all
Choose to be the best person that you can possibly be,
Choose wisely
And CHOOSE NOW , if this helps one person then taking the time to post it was worth a fortune :sat:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2018 4:22 am 
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I posted regarding the reality of sex addiction and used THE COACH’S definition of what sex addiction is

Now as I reflect and consider my own experiences I ask
What does sex addiction do?

Simply I could say destroy

But that would only be the ending
As we progress, I actually should say regress ,in addiction then we must “believe” that we get something from it otherwise why would we choose to let it take over and why would we bow to its demands, so we must believe that it gives us something that we need and or yearn for.

Accepting that is one of the keys for recovery , for change

That crutch, that power, that control, that excuse?
In my case I believe it gave me the attention that I missed as a baby and through childhood and into adolescence, that motherly love that I believe I was deprived of
.
But that is for examination in another post, back to what ultimately sex addiction does
I repeat destroy
I, yes I, destroyed me piece by piece because I chose to allow MY sex addiction to do so
It, actually I, took away my honesty, my dignity, my pride, my money, my honesty, my life, my choice
But I made that choice

Now consider my ex, did I give her the right or the chance or even the choice to choose
D I F!!!
She has told me many times that I should have told her when we met, she is of course right , but what would or even could I have told her?
I visit brothels and pay for sex, I exhibit, I masturbate to extreme I lust after women's bodies, but I love you
She, rightly so, would have run a mile I WAS TOTALLY SELFISH

I chose not to say these things choosing instead to deny that they were a problem, my problem that I was, although I did not realise it at that time also giving to her,Choosing to believe that these actions were not controlling me and that they were hurting nobody and never would

The reality
SA destroyed her life , her memories, her trust, her confidence , her love
And I chose to let this happen, perhaps not consciously but that is no excuse
I made those choices and I have to live with that fact

My point of posting?
Simply being open and honest, further cementing the fact that I own and take responsibility for my past and ensuring that destruction would be the keyword in the very unlikely but perceivably possible chance of complacency trying to creep back into my journey

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 27, 2018 6:45 am 
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I heard the following over the weekend
The speaker was talking about the historical abuse of children
however
Quote:
Nobody likes suffering but when that suffering comes from the fault of others it becomes all the more abhorrent and galling

could equally refer to addiction and the affect that our choices make on those we love

Kenzo reflect on this and empathize

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Aug 30, 2018 3:24 am 
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From my own personal experiences and perceptions, I posted regarding the reality of sex addiction and questioned what does sex addiction do?

I said that we must “believe” that we get something from it otherwise why would we choose to let it take over
Why choose addiction as our lifeline?

I am not qualified to answer that conclusively, even in my own case, but I can try to evaluate myself and my personal circumstances, which may or may not resonate with others helping them with their own reflections

In my case I believe I adopted sex as my crutch because it gave me the attention that I missed as a baby and through childhood and into adolescence, that motherly love that I believe I was deprived of

It also gave me a feeling of power, control and perhaps defiance? Making the statement, even if only to myself, “look I do matter I do count!”

My Father was a widow with a young daughter , he had literally grown up in the army during WWII seeing action right through to Berlin, where on his own admission , as he had a gun he got what he wanted including sex.
My mother was the “lost “middle daughter of rather strong willed even tyrannical parents, in particular her father
IMO she conceived me in order to “catch” my dad and then to use me to hold him and his attentions thus taking control away from my half sister

Dont get me wrong, as I grew up I never felt unloved nor deprived, but as I was the first (and sadly only) member of our wider family to get into Grammar school outside of our locallity, I felt isolated and pressurised
I had no close friends, deemed to be an outsider both in the village and in school located one hours drive from home
I was very shy with low confidence and low self esteem but I discovered that “accidentally”exhibiting my erect penis whilst playing with my younger sister and her friends brought me that attention
Suffice to say the attention given brought about that need for more
I could go on and chart my demise into the depths but it would serve no point, I know that I allowed myself to become the addict that I was

My point of posting?

Again being open and honest, standing naked in front of myself,it really is liberating

Considering the question was I a victim? I believe so, but all addicts are victims some are victims of abuse and deep traumas, and I certainly would not wish to minimise that fact but all addicts are victims of our own choices

So I put no blame for my addiction on anyone except myself, unfortunately others have and are suffering the consequences of my choices
I became what I chose to be as we all did / do, hence all excuses or potential excuses should be removed

Recovery is simply a different a better a healthy choice and believe it or not post the aftermath of discovery and admission is actually the easier CHOICE

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 14, 2018 4:25 am 
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Out of the blue my ex asked
Quote:
Are you not missing sex?

I answered truthfully NO, how could anyone whose life and the life of my wife and best friend was ruined by sex, miss it?
I do miss making love and I fully appreciate when she allows me to be intimate, holding hands , cuddling etc
mostly though I miss kissing

As an ex sex addict, ( I do not and never have bought into the old adage of once an addict always an addict) missing sex without love and intimacy would be akin to missing that amputated gangrenous leg, the thing that was dragging you down and would likely eventually kill you, yes you need to learn to walk again, but isn’t that why we are all here on RN?

This, plus other recent comments like:
Quote:
You’ve been so long I thought you must have been to a brothel
Why do you turn cuddling and closeness into something sexual
You are so passive I guess that comes from so many years of having being served by your whores

Really used to upset and anger me
Now
As Anon wrote

Quote:
I am responsible only for my actions, I cannot be responsible nor control her feelings.
She, in the end, must manage her own emotions in the moment and I cannot control what she feels. Or says

I appreciate and understand her emotions as well as my own, I also respect them and I am the only one responsible for my past, so I now take it on the chin,

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sat Oct 27, 2018 6:05 am 
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I posted that I do not miss sex, I have thought about that post and realise how little I think of sex
When acting out sex was at the forefront of everything, always on my mind
I was constantly semi erect touching myself at every opportunity, my God what a mess was I

Now except when I am here on RN I rarely think about sex at all, yes that could be somewhat age related but mainly its because I dont need it and dont miss it

Even here on RN most of my thought process is related to health, living with values and addiction recovery , not only nor necessarily sex addiction

When I am cuddling my ex my thoughts are intimacy and when aroused my sexual thoughts tend towards being grateful and appreciative as opposed to expectant and selfishness
Is my recovery journey over? I expect not hence am not and will not be complacent

I know that I am now no longer a sex addict, but I am aware that my emotions do have an effect on me

Recovery is easy, !
Just as easy as scoring the winner in a world cup final penalty shoot out against the hosts
That is it is easy after the ball hits the back of the net :s: :sat:

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2018 7:36 am 
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Well that is another anniversary
9 years since my D Day, the day that I was caught and admitted going to a brothel, but only out of curiosity, just to look, I only went that once, what a f***ing liar

Did I start my recovery at that time?
NO but I still believe it was the best worst day of my life, I am not sure where I would have been now if I had not been caught but I did post some scenarios in my earlier thread, and the outcome could only be total destruction, affecting not only that selfish t**t ME

I lied and minimised, excused and denied,
I actually said that whoring was just my bit of harmless fun and followed that with the comment , what do you think I am a brothel creeper?
Yes I was
But now thanks to my ex, RN and myself I have an opportunity for a heath, yes health check


Have I done anything, thought anything, said anything that I am ashamed of recently?
NOT SINCE I LIED WITH A NON SEXUAL RELATED LIE TO MY EX BACK IN AUGUST, DOCUMENTED IN MY THREAD


Have I not done anything, not thought anything, not said anything that I am ashamed of recently? I AM GOOD HERE I OWN MY SHAME AND WILL NOT ALLOW IT TO INFLUENCE NEVER MIND CONTROL ME


Have I done anything to be proud of ?
I HAVE BEEN HONEST WITH AND TO MYSELF AND I HAVE BEEN SUPPORTIVE TOWARDS THE WOMAN I LOVE


Have I kept to my values? YES

Have I kept to my and others boundaries? YES

Have I recognised and managed my emotions ? YES, I KNOW THAT I AM AN EMOTIONAL PERSON AND HAVE REALISED THAT EMOTIONS ARE BEST LEFT TO BE MONITORED AND RUN THEIR COURSE AND THIS IS GETTING EASIER, PERHAPS I AM GROWING UP?

Have I had any urges ? NO, BUT CANNOT BELIEVE I NEVER WILL AGAIN - SO KENZO WATCH THE COMPLACENCY

Have I been Happy? YES BUT ALSO UNHAPPY I GUESS THIS IS NORMAL,

Have I felt remorse ? YES


Have I contributed to my and my ex’s well being YES

Have I contributed to the well being of others I HOPE AND BELIEVE SO

Do I love myself YES AND I ALSO LIKE MYSELF

Am I still addicted to sex? NO

Am I addicted to recovery?
I believe not, however I do believe that it is possible to become addicted to recovery and whilst that is the better of the two options, addiction or recovery, it is not a good and healthy place to be

So my journey in life continues

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 08, 2018 7:30 am 
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Pulled from the BBC news web site

The BBC's Sangita Myska has been meeting people who say they've suffered from sex addiction, in order to understand whether it really exists, and if so, what it is.
Comments she noted that resonate with me hence are noted herein are:

Quote:
you don't want to exit this state you are in, which is basically like being intoxicated."


Quote:
This issue of shame is a big one for every person who believes they are a sex addict. Shame simultaneously makes them want to hide away and drives them further into their compulsion. "It's a cocktail of arousal and shame

.
Quote:
If he wasn't having sex, he craved it. And again it wasn't reaching orgasm that was the goal - it was the set of behaviours around it that he was hooked on.


Quote:
"The thrill is the build-up, the anticipation of what you're going to be doing… the very last thing that you want to do is to ejaculate because at that point the whole process is over."


Quote:
"It's a lonely disease…
Thankfully we have RN and its community

Quote:
all of them clearly need help to solve a problem that is wrecking their lives.

But to be helped we need to really want it and help ourselves

Quote:
In my view, sex addicts primarily hurt themselves and their partners

That fact that we so easily deny

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Wed Nov 14, 2018 9:26 am 
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Prompted by OtR’s post regarding criticism from his SO
I post

When I encounter my perceived "one sided" relationship with my ex, and I feel badly done by, I remember who is the victim of my addictive actions, who is at fault, who brought this into our lives, who is responsible and thus accountable
I chose my path of addiction and when caught she discovered that I had dragged her into it, she is entitled to feel resentment and anger and disappointment and confusion, not me

My D day was 9 years ago and even though we then divorced we still have a loving relationship that includes bouts of accusation, mistrust, anger, disbelief, controlling etc usually triggered by something I did / didn’t do or by some outside influence e.g.something on TV

I post a recent example

We were watching a clip from a Louis Theroux documentary regarding non monogamous open relationships , in one scene naked and semi naked people were feeding each other and then becoming more intimate,

her comment:
Quote:
I cannot believe that you were planning to get into group sex, what kind of animal are you


I responded that I was not planning, but as I had told her in my full disclosure, I had had thoughts on going to a brothel party, would I have done so if D day had not happened, I am not sure but I probably would have, I also asked why she chose to use the present tense, with the what kind of animal are you?

This led to the age old row based upon her thoughts that maybe others can recover, but me NOT

I know that I am a totally different person that had had thoughts on going to a brothel party,
That had acted out on an ever increasing frequency
That had lied and been totally out of control, however just as in addiction I realise that triggers exist in healing, so I need to accept this and take her occasional resentment and outbursts on the chin

I did not recover overnight, she can only heal at the pace that she and she alone sets and controls
I destroyed the trust, she has every right to her self protection

I also realise and accept that without her support and encouragement my journey would have been immensely more difficult

So a reminder

When encountering perceived "one sided" relationships and feeling badly done by, remember who is the victim of addictive actions, who is at fault, who is responsible and thus accountable

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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PostPosted: Thu Nov 15, 2018 10:29 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 393
Hi Kenzo,

I am always interested to read your posts.

Quote:
When encountering perceived "one sided" relationships and feeling badly done by, remember who is the victim of addictive actions, who is at fault, who is responsible and thus accountable

I completely agree with this statement and have fallen foul of it myself when I was naively expecting my wife to have been going through recovery at all let alone as the same pace that I had been setting myself several months ago. I need always to keep in mind that the boat was rocked by me in the first instance and I need to deal with what comes with that.

The relationships will be forever changed because of our selfish actions and both partners in those relationships need to find a way to deal with that as they look to potentially reform a life together. From reading other parts of your thread your ex-wife has appeared reluctant to come to RN or seek therapy elsewhere and of course that is her choice. I know that this has caused you frustration and also pain though. You also say
Quote:
I also asked why she chose to use the present tense, with the what kind of animal are you?

I wonder if, after 9 years, whether she realises that comments that she makes still upset you? Maybe that is the point and she does it in order to serve as a constant reminder of what you did to her? If that is the case then it suggests that you have learned a lot and tried to move forwards but she has been less successfully with that. As I say, she can not be criticised for having had so much to deal with but as you try to find the basis of a close friendship that you both clearly want moving forwards then there needs to be some degree of caring on both sides. I know that you will never forget what you did but the repeated barbed comments are not helpful and I wonder if you have ever tried to have that conversation with her? I ask the question for you to ponder and not necessary to respond on your thread as that is a personal thing to you. It is possible to take from your thread that you believe that you have no say in this and that you have no choice but to take it on the chin but I would suggest that there is a point (certainly after 9 years) where that may no longer be entirely fair.

Her use of the present tense suggests that you haven't changed. Again, I suspect that she does not really believe you are the same person that caused her that harm and it is just used to hit a button in you but if she does believe it then she is clearly not hearing what you are saying and how you have so significantly changed.

All in all it strikes me that your friendship needs to have a new set of rules, values and boundaries around it based on two people who are very different to the ones that married each other but that is built on caring for each other. You have both chosen to have that new relationship (as opposed to choosing to go your different ways after divorcing) and it is therefore only reasonable that both of you have input into how that new contract of friendship might look.

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L2R

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2018 4:51 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3846
Location: UK
Hello L2R and thanks for dropping by

Quote:
I wonder if, after 9 years, whether she realises that comments that she makes still upset you?

I actually believe not, indeed I have come to believe that when she is triggered the rant is derived from anger towards herself
She is a very perceptive and intuitive lady who gave up her home, family, job and country to be with and entrust her young son to a man who was not the man she believed that he was, how could she have been so wrong?


Quote:
Maybe that is the point and she does it in order to serve as a constant reminder of what you did to her?

For sure, a reminder to herself as well as to me

Quote:
I would suggest that there is a point (certainly after 9 years) where that may no longer be entirely fair.

Unfortunately nothing related to addiction is fair, to any related party, but as you know in recovery we need to own our history, our guilt and our shame, using these as anchors to move forwards in our journeys

Quote:
Her use of the present tense suggests that you haven't changed
.

Oh she knows that I have changed but she believes in the old adage of once an addict always an addict and she certainly and probably understandably is pre occupied with sex addiction and its direct effect upon her

Will we end our days together?
I believe that we both hope so but she needs more healing and I will do all that I can to support her in that

Thanks for caring,

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Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
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