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 Post subject: Where are we?
PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2018 6:38 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3685
Location: UK
Where are we?
As L2R pointed out in recent times the footfall on our forums has declined
Why?
Before I start I apologise if this post offends, but if it looks like a duck , walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it is likely .........
The comments are mine but do they also reflect yours and if so are you prepared to act upon them?,

So which box (or excuse) do you tick?

I am here committed to the hard work for the long haul and post in my thread knowing that the community is supporting my efforts and having the community forum at hand for questions and help

I am committed to the hard work for the long haul bu t don’t post in my thread because English is not my first language (So what no body is judging why not simply post in your native language giving you a record to refer back, an abridged translation gives coaches and mentors the opportunity to step in and help if required

I am committed to the hard work for the long haul bu t don’t post in my thread because I dont have the time (You / We /I had/have all the time in the world to act out, so its simply a very poor excuse)

I am committed to the hard work for the long haul bu t don’t post in my thread
because I see no benefit ( perhaps open your eyes to reality, all who really seek the benefit find it)

I am committed to the hard work for the long haul but don’t post in my thread
because I am ashamed / embarrassed ( The only one judging you is yourself, put shame and / or guilt behind you and reap the benefit)

I need to convey the perception of being committed to the hard work for the long haul but don’t post in my thread
because I dont have a problem I can stop at any time (prove it)

I need to convey the perception of being committed to the hard work for the long haul but don’t post in my thread
because I was caught but am not or no longer being monitored ( then monitor yourself and see what can be gained compared with the alternative)

I am not committed to the hard work for the long haul so don’t post in my thread because I dont have a problem I can stop at any time (prove it)

I am not committed to the hard work for the long haul so don’t post in my thread because I am frightened to let go (don’t be, being where you are now is so much more scary because there is only one direction that this will drive you)

I don’t post in my thread because I am simply curious and hence am not registered
(OK so why why are you curious could it be that you perceive a problem but still deny it? Dont, RN can help before you start on that very slippery slope, register and contribute)

I wonder how many other equally spurious excuses or reasons I could jot down? But I wont
perhaps others may wish to?

I will simply ask those that read this to think upon and digest,
I am not here to preach simply to convey that RN works if you work at it, it costs nothing but time and self examination, is it easy? No

Is it for everyone? Probably not, but you dont know unless you try

What do you have to lose? Time but addicts are well versed with losing time

Remember that THE COACH gifted us an opportunity, take it or leave it but if you do choose to take it please take it seriously and thus reap its benefits
Choose wisely but do choose, you deserve to give yourself a window of opportunity, and all for free

Thanks for considering now let us reinvigorate the forum and our community, it is simply too valuable to simply be allowed to wither on the vine

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: Where are we?
PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2018 8:24 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Fri Sep 29, 2017 5:29 am
Posts: 330
Hi Kenzo, great post and right on the money as usual.

I would like to chip in some of my own thoughts if I may in order to give my perspective on things.

I sense that there are two main categories that cover the majority of those absent. The first is those who have joined RN to demonstrate to their partners who have recently caught them that they are doing something about it. They survive the first few lessons and then either their partner leaves them or the heat dies down and they can go back to going about their usual unhealthy business under the radar. Either way, they see no reason to stay but then they were here for the wrong reasons in the first place.

The second group I feel are more genuine but do not realise the level of work and dedication required until they start working through the workshop. In CoachJon's introductory audio clip he cleverly flags this as a category of person who falls away as they join with good intentions and full of enthusiasm and then life takes over and they gradually find less and less time to dedicate to it and then they probably think what's the point in carrying on?

The thing is, as Kenzo points out, this site is free to anyone who wishes to join and it will save your life. You could spend a fortune seeing professional therapists and not receive the insights that can be obtained here. The workshops are written by someone who himself was a SA so he knew exactly what he was talking about and recovered. Many of the coaches and mentors also come from that place and are living proof that this works at no financial cost to you. All that is required is some time and effort to work through the lessons. There is no fixed timings to complete them but they need to be done regularly so that you don't lose the rhythm and learning from the previous lessons. If you can only do one lesson a week then so be it, but make that commitment to doing your one lesson a week every week. I would suggest that they take on average 5-10 minutes to read and then 10-15 minutes to record on your thread. That's less than half an hour a week, who doesn't have that kind of time if it will get you out of your hole?

I have also recorded on my own thread that there has started to be a bit of a trend of people drifting back who were members some time ago and had completed the lessons and then felt the need to refresh their memories on RN. Whilst that is excellent news that RN is seen as the forum to turn to, it also is a pertinent reminder of CoachJon's comments that this workshop is a lifestyle choice where we need to consciously apply the learning to our everyday lives. Like any muscle, it requires regular exercise so that it remembers what is needs to do and then it becomes automatic. If you stop practicing with it then it will quickly forget what it is supposed to do and it will revert back to its former dreadful ways (a bit like my golf swing!)

Another observation that I have is that I have been a member of RN for 5 months this week. My thread has had over 5,000 views as of today which works out as about 1,000 a month which is 250 a week. There must therefore be a lot of people viewing threads that are either not members or who are but are not posting. If you fall into either of those categories then please give it a go, you have everything to gain and nothing to lose.

So to reinforce what Kenzo has said, we are all here because we saw the need to change. The tools are here and help is on hand to encourage and clarify so that you can progress through the lessons and be freed of your addiction. With TV and the internet, sex and fantasies are constantly in our faces and the numbers of SAs out there is surely increasing, so our number of members and posts should be swelling not shrinking.

A final word from me is to congratulate and encourage all of those who did join with the right intentions and have persevered with the lessons. Please read their threads (the ones with the larger number of posts) and you will see the evidence of them changing as their journey progresses. Compare their concerns and anxieties from the opening lessons to how they are feeling more confident about how to manage their lives in a healthy way in their more recent posts. That could be you too, your choice…!

_________________
L2R

"Should you fail to permanently recover from your addiction, it will be due to your inability to fully commit to recovery"


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 Post subject: Re: Where are we?
PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2018 11:41 am 
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Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 11:06 pm
Posts: 134
Bonjour,

I feel necessary to post. Simply because because RN saved my life, or I would say I won’t be where I am without RN. And I am glad and happy to be here. Very far better than from where I was!

I am entering in "category 2" of excuse : language issue. Not because I am afraid of the judgment, but just because it is an effort to write a proper message in English. An Excuse? not completely, I use my little notebook for most of my personal thought, and since I came back to my native country, I have weekly opportunities to speak about my addiction. It is an effort to speak about emotion in my native language and even worse in English. But it is an excuse, I am writing the current post on my notebook in the Parisian metro :g:

I check several time per week RN, and it is really part of my healthy monitoring process. The forum and personal thread are a source of inspiration (L2R I am very impressed by your very honest work).

Just to share about my personal experience with RN. I had 2 steps:
A first steps (from june 2016 to January 2017), where I worked very theoretically on every lessons. I learnt, I experienced but I did not really ingrained. During this period I slipt, I relapsed… why????
A second step (from January 2017 till now), where I practically implemented monitoring, where I practically said to myself : I NEED HELP! I NEED TO SHARE! I NEED TO MAKE MY PROBLEM REAL, TO EXPOSE THEM!

And this help I found in the forum firstly. I started to check every day the forum from this period. I started to find the courage to post, to answer and to interact. I noticed that I was afraid. And this fear was just another way to protect my addiction. Until that point I keep my thought only for me (for my thread, but it remains theoretical). I asked for the Mentor status as suggested by lesson 70 (without success I understood recently with L2R the reason why) and I acted as if.

It is more than 1 year I have started. I made mistake, and I will continue to do most probably, but it reinforces my determination. I still have thought related to my past, I must maintain a permanent awareness, but I do not act compulsively.

In parallel of this I started, at nearly the same period, to see a specialist (Sexologue) every 2 month, alone and with my wife. It helps, and I must say it is more confortable to explore my emotional issues with my native language (an excuse ahah!).

Later I have decided to join AA (after a drunk party) in june 2017. Even if I avoid to speak about SA, the weekly meeting are really helpful for reflection.

Forum is essential to my recovery. If I would try an image, It corresponds to a age change for me: from student following lessons to an adult managing its own life.

The active use of Forum (checking and sharing) corresponds to real active recovery for me. A way to make real, a way to expose the “junky” inside myself, and to stop to protect my SA anymore.

I continue to use RN for weekly reflection. The revisit of lessons (through the check of thread).

Thanks to Kenzo and to L2R for their very profitable and active involvement.

Merci! :g:


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 Post subject: Re: Where are we?
PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2018 7:25 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3685
Location: UK
I asked the question “where are we?”

From responses thus far (thanks to you for caring and more importantly believing)
I think that generically we really do not know where we are “ collectively”

I believe that as individuals and even groups then we do know, even when we deny it!
We mostly know who and what we are, sometimes diluting the fact to suit our “needs”
We mostly know where we came from
Some of us know where we are headed unless we instigate change, but most of us have closed eyes
Those of us that do open our eyes and hence our horizons know where we want to be even if we are unsure of how to get there. That is for sure where therapies, courses, groups, readings, SO’s , families and friends etc. CAN Help

So for me, for now, my question as to where we are collectively, remains unanswered

However in deliberating over my current conclusion I have discovered an associated secondary question
Collectively, rather than individually, “what are we?”

Surprisingly, the lack of responses coupled to the number of readings in a relatively short period of time, (so thanks too to the non-respondents) has provided me with a potential answer
Collectively, “what are we?”
Potentially “a silent majority”

What is the power of a silent majority, what could, if unleashed, that silent majority achieve?

Now I am nowhere naive enough to even potentially envisage a situation whereby we here on RN could could affect the global sex industry, valued, note I said valued and not worth, billions of Pounds, Euro, Dollars, Yen, Renminbi, Rouble etc. one jot

But what if we in our small way can change the life of just one victim or potential victim of the sexual addiction pandemic , would not that give us great satisfaction?

So I leave you with a paraphrase of a part of a very famous speech made by one who could possibly have been one of us?

Ask not what your community can do for you, but better what you can do for your community

Perhaps using these RN forums to note down any conclusions

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: Where are we?
PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2018 9:21 am 
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Joined: Tue Jun 13, 2017 1:26 am
Posts: 51
I agree with you Kenzo

The workshop is actually really intense, but very effective for porn addicts (at least from my own experience) and not having time for forums and other stuff is not a plausible an excuse. Invest your time here or lose your time in life I should say.

Helping at least one individual is sensible. Other people are in denial, or they don't want to talk about porn, they say oh you know porn is fun, naked chicks on social media apps is fun. Let them live as they want, but there are some people over there who really need another perspective on life :)

I am happy that one guy from nofap community recommended me this more structured approach which I so needed. Addiction is no fun. Life should be fun.

p.s. it is very true that, and as it was mentioned in the introduction of the workshop, I am paraphrasing: people misunderstand sexual addictions. How many of your friends have told you that porn cannot cause any addictions?, it's just, you know... porn. And it is ok for them if they haven't developed sexual disfunctions, haven't ruined their relationships, but for many I guess a lot gets hindered.

If you feel like something is not right, if it seems like it, it probably is not right.


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 Post subject: Re: Where are we?
PostPosted: Wed Mar 14, 2018 7:33 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 9:31 pm
Posts: 242
As usual Kenzo ......

OUCH!!!!!!


Hard work ? YES

Worth it ? YES

Still here ? YES

More later ..... and as always,
THANK YOU KENZO for am much needed kick in the emotional balls!!!!


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 Post subject: Re: Where are we?
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 5:53 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3685
Location: UK
I asked the question “where are we?”

Leading to
“what are we?”
Finally asking consideration of
“Ask not what your community can do for you, but better what you can do for your community”

I now post my personal response copied also into my own thread for my future reference and reflection

I can and indeed will:
Be the best that I can be, knowing that the better healthier that I can be is in the best interests of any community that I am or become part of
Abandon all defensiveness,
Be supportive and empathetic
Take what is coming on the chin knowing that the hits may hurt but they are so much better than the alternative
Be open and honest
Be open to healthy suggestions and ideas/theories of others
Live by my values, respect and honour my and others boundaries
Make mistakes, apologise, but learn from them
Continue here on RN, whilst ever my contribution helps me (and hopefully others)
Share experiences both negative and positive
Ask for and appreciate help if required
Give positive help if at all possible, even when that help can appear to be harsh
Donate
Support any initiatives highlighting the pandemic of sexual addiction
Condemn the global sex industry invading our very existence
Advocate (but as yet unsure how) the acceptance that sex addiction is real , very real, and needs to be accepted as so by the relevant medical fraternity
Be Intimate rather than sexual wherever appropriate
Be sincere
Be diligent and never become complacent
Be fully aware of where I was, appreciate where I am and never judge others for being whatever and wherever they are now
Persuade,dissuade, but never dictate
Be committed and true to the four agreements
link http://www.recoverynation.com/partnersb ... &start=450

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: Where are we?
PostPosted: Fri Apr 13, 2018 10:20 am 
Offline
Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3685
Location: UK
I asked
Quote:
“Ask not what your community can do for you, but better what you can do for your community”



L2R reminds me that our first and most important focus needs to be towards ourselves when posting

Quote:
My only concern is that there are a few single posters from over a week ago and if you are losing enthusiasm after only one post then it suggests that, contrary to their opening posts, they weren't that committed to a recovery after all…?! Whilst there is no right or wrong in terms of speed through the lessons, there does need to be a commitment


without self commitment and thus recovery then we really have no community
thanks for that reminder

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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