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 Post subject: Catch 22
PostPosted: Mon Jun 13, 2016 3:59 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 04, 2014 8:43 am
Posts: 110
Following on from my earlier posts.....

I feel in a complete catch 22 situation. I'm expected by my wife to sign in every evening and discuss what I may have seen during the day that may have caused me to look a little too long say or had thoughts about my previous life. I find it very difficult to open a discussion anyway but my major problems are these....

If I say I've seen something or someone that I've looked at for too long and used CBT then my wife gets angry that I'm looking and says that I will never be in recovery.

If I go through a day without any triggers and say this to my wife she says I am lying and that I must have seen someone who I was attracted to. I work in engineering sales and some days I don't even get off the shop floor. So again it's regarded that I'm lying and will never get into recovery.

How do I prove that the life I've lead for so many years is something I want to be in the past and I want to move on and not be faced with discussing it's detail every evening.

Your comments will be greatfully received.


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 Post subject: Re: Catch 22
PostPosted: Tue Jun 14, 2016 8:17 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2008 3:55 pm
Posts: 1209
The simple answer is, you don't. It's not easy to accept, but you are no longer the person who gets to decide what is and what is not honest. If your wife says she thinks you are lying, you have to accept that. What is more difficult, you cannot simply accept it with bitterness or sarcasm, you genuinely have to accept it. You need to be honest---don't think making up minor encounters will help----a lie is a lie no matter what. You also need to accept whatever judgement your wife pronounces. And this is not about giving up the better part of who you are and who you want to be, either. It's about demonstrating your willingness to accept whatever conditions your wife sets down in order to work through this part of your life together. You no longer have a say in what that looks like, or how to get through to the other side. Remember, your wife has made an incredible gesture by staying with you, and because of the deep level of hurt she has suffered, she is the one who sets the pace.


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 Post subject: Re: Catch 22
PostPosted: Sun Jun 19, 2016 10:22 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Sat Jun 04, 2011 10:57 pm
Posts: 317
Hi FC,
Part of the problem is that you're expecting a specific outcome, or even to persuade your wife. Well that kind of emotional change requires trust, something she's totally lost in you, and something that comes from within. The amount of damage depends on what pillars her trust was based on and how much damage they sustained. By pillars I'm talking about things like ability to detect a lie, assess a situation, complete tasks, accomplish goals, delegate, rely on interpersonal bonds, and so much more.
So for example if you know you can get something done (which is really trusting you can complete a task) you get it done, but if you for have doubt that it can be done, you struggle with finishing it, and the more tasks that you finish the stronger your ability trust you can accomplish that kind of task. If you fail at something you also learn and develop the ability to assess your capabilities, to the point you can predict an outcome. Developing that ability or confidence is a process that starts longs before you can recognize what you rely on, and you take it for granted. Can you imagine losing that? Because that's most likely where your wife is now. She challenges everything you tell her because she feels she has to. Her trust in you was transferred from all the trust she had developed throughout her life, so you're in a deep hole from where your relationship originally began.

Keep working on yourself, and accept the changes your wife had to make. She'll see what she needs to and make her own adjustments.

Rel8ed2


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 Post subject: Re: Catch 22
PostPosted: Sat Jun 25, 2016 3:03 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 04, 2014 8:43 am
Posts: 110
Hi and thanks for your considered responses. To be completely honest they were not what I expected but I take them on board and will work with them as much as I can.thanks again


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 Post subject: Re: Catch 22
PostPosted: Sun Jun 26, 2016 11:48 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
I am currently sitting out by the pool locked out of the house not buy any thing that I did today but rather the horrid disrespect and disregard that I had for a relationship Is a lived my secret life over a span of nearly 10 years before I was found out. The rest of her day was fabulous, interactive and fun as we shared the number activities but a comment that I made about something totally unrelated to my sexual indescretiions stirred in her mind some of the ridiculous decisions that I had made in my secret life. The emotions welled up in her and she couldn't deal with the thought that I had done what I had done. I am grateful that I am still here and when situations like this come up I go back to the fact of what pain I have created and accept her reactions to all of that and hope and pray that after some time and processing I will not have to leave for good. May we never forget has been used quite often since 9-11 and although I do not dwell on the past it is helpful to remember where our spouses have been and experienced in all of this recovery
I Keep doing what is right, I keep remembering to do what's right, I am committed to doing what's right but accept The consequences for my actions Hang in there!


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 Post subject: Re: Catch 22
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2016 3:37 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 04, 2014 8:43 am
Posts: 110
I feel for you, I'm in exactly the same situation tonight just as I'm reading this. I refuse to blame my wife. All of this is my fault and I take the blame. I feel for you but we are the architects of our own destructions


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 Post subject: Re: Catch 22
PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2016 11:42 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Exactly, there's no blame except for the foolish stupid decisions that I made before getting knocked upside the head by 2 x 4. I am just thankful to be around for most of life These are just some of the consequences of my actions, still hanging in doing the right things because the alternative just lead to destruction Stay encouraged, Don't lose hope!


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 Post subject: Re: Catch 22
PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2016 12:04 am 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Quote:
The simple answer is, you don't. It's not easy to accept, but you are no longer the person who gets to decide what is and what is not honest. If your wife says she thinks you are lying, you have to accept that. What is more difficult, you cannot simply accept it with bitterness or sarcasm, you genuinely have to accept it.


I understand that it's no longer me that gets to decide what is and what's not honest and I can accept it without bitterness or sarcasm, frustaration creeps in a bit until I remember that I am the cause of the frustration and i have no excuse to be frustrated with her only with myself . . . but what does experience show: is it better to just say nothing which makes some sense because most of the time what she is saying are all truths about the past and there really is no response because what I did was so illogical or irrational with no defense whatsoever but to say nothing lends to the impression of being non responsive or potentially could be seen as just rolling of my eyes even if that is not what I am doing because once again it doesn't really matter what I am doing it's based on how she views me, and that is not a very impressive view
what might be a more appropriate or correct response?
One of the things I know for sure conversation is the only way that any healing will take place at the same time almost any conversation is fertile ground for flashbacks of how she sees me, but I stand no chance for any relational healing if I don't talk at all. Back to the catch 22
Ideas on appropriate dialog?


Last edited by DBAck on Fri Jul 01, 2016 1:49 am, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Catch 22
PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2016 3:44 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:10 pm
Posts: 511
I feel for you! You have recognised that conversation and communication is one of the keys to rebuilding things. I don't know if there are any 'safe' topics you can start on? Can you ask her opinion on what household chores or DIY can be done maybe? Can you praise her on cooking a nice dinner or on her hair or dress or something like that? Ask her about her work or whatever?

Remember that most of all she is in pain and is going through the various stages of grief basically. She does not understand everything that you have done (I expect) and she fluctuates between imagining the worst and hoping for the best. She is having a really difficult time and you've got to accept that she will 'lash out' in some way at various times when it gets too difficult for her to handle. Be as empathetic as possible, say sorry whenever required, listen as best you can to what she says and accept that effectively at the moment she is right even if she is wrong about something. I've gone through and committed most of the cockups and mistakes you can make in recovery over my time, but keeping communicating has kept me 'alive' and on the programme to some extent. It's much much better than the alternative option!


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 Post subject: Re: Catch 22
PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2016 10:38 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 14, 2015 7:14 pm
Posts: 215
Thanks . . how long have you been at this? It has 2 years for me since I was found out and hit over the head back into some of my senses and stated values . . .


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 Post subject: Re: Catch 22
PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2016 4:51 pm 
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Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2012 6:10 pm
Posts: 511
Over 4 years and counting... I've made just about every mistake in the recovery handbook and tried all sorts of self destructive ways to get around or ignore or 'forget' about what I should be doing and convince myself that I'm not hurting anyone, but it's all a sham unless you are serious about it. It's taken me way too long to get that point unfortunately. Good luck with your life! You will need a bit of it at times, but also some serious soul-searching and work to get onto the right path.


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 Post subject: Re: Catch 22
PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2016 4:32 pm 
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Joined: Fri Apr 04, 2014 8:43 am
Posts: 110
Wowser fellas! Some superb replys and at last some people who seem to be suffering at there own hands the way that I am. Sure I've made progress but I still can't talk, ignore techniques I've been given and just continue looking a knob in my wife's eyes. I will get it right one day but maybe then it will be too late. Keep posting guys, they give me the will to live sometimes to know that others are in a similar position to me.


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