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 Post subject: Seeking advice
PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2016 3:11 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Thu Oct 24, 2013 12:26 pm
Posts: 189
I recently relapsed After a period of struggling with my issues and letting complacency creep in, it only took a week or so to destroy whatever little progress and hope of a real recovery i had. Deep down in my heart of hearts i know i had never really let go, i need to come clean on that. There were several events preceding the betrayal from which i could have taken cues from but chose to disregard, needless to say i fell to newer depths and was completely deluded and lacked any form of rationality, looking back at it now i feel so stupid and i can see what a battle of mind i have ahead of me.
My wife has decided that the marriage is done, im devastated as i still love her, but i know how dishonest and how badly i have treated her, how i have belittled and shamed her, trashed on her love and destroyed her dreams. I still have hope but i know she is determined to move on with her life. This is where i need advice, my wife is totally honest and upfront something i should have learnt from her.
I want to be supportive but i dont know how as i tend to try to control her, she has kindly remained friendly and still cares for my well being.
The problem i have is jelousy which is clouding my thinking and impeding my progress, im constantly depressed and anxious, i am failing to cope and deal with my emotions.
My wife has decided to remain friends and live together till she is fully independent. I want to be supportive of her and be able to respect her space and privacy. So far i have failed, as i have gone through her chats and now privy to her conversations with other guys and this is whats killing me, i confessed to her and she has assured me she is not looking for a relationship right now but just some deeper human connection which i have been unable to give her. She is really a friendly and kind person who looks beyond the physical, sometimes guys may see this as flirty and take advantage. I seem to want to control and dictate how, who, when, where and what she must do with her life, i know this form of obsession with her is destructive not only for me but for her as well. She has said that she has no problem telling me about her new found male friends, its very uncomfortable and at some point i said i didnt want to know anything but i knew that i ould still stress and would start to find ways of knowing whats going on. I have decided however painful it maybe, i need to face it because at some point or the the other, she will eventualy have someone and i need to be prepared for it.....i dont know if this is the right way or what is healthy, what i know though is that its not about me, its about her and her needs and her happiness, i need to respect her wishes, her space and her privacy. I do want her to be happy but i have this selfish need for my own comfort, i need to move to a place of empathy towards her and understanding. Afterall she is innocent in all this, i dont know if im making any sense but i do need some advice...thanks

_________________
Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.


Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens.


Carl Jung


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 Post subject: Re: Seeking advice
PostPosted: Sat Jun 25, 2016 8:50 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Sat Feb 09, 2008 3:55 pm
Posts: 1209
If your wife has made a final decision (that is, her decision to end your marriage is final) then you have only one option if you wish the end to remain civil and productive to your recovery, and that is to actively support her transition. As painful as it feels now, helping her to make the transition will help you in the long run because it will teach you in very certain and concrete terms what your addiction did to your marriage and to your wife. You need to look at this as a learning experience. After all, your recovery is first for you, not your wife.

I have no idea how to help with the jealousy. It is irrational, but then again, so are so many aspects of our addictions. Perhaps actively helping your wife make her transition will allow you to confront and work out the jealousy you feel. I don't know I am sorry your marriage has come to this point. I wish I had a more certain answer.


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 Post subject: Re: Seeking advice
PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2016 12:57 am 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Thu Oct 24, 2013 12:26 pm
Posts: 189
Thank you coach for the advice, i must say i'm doing much better in terms of controlling and managing my feelings. It is hard and will take time but im determined to do it. Yes i know too well about choices, its making the right ones that i have struggled with, but as you mentioned, it is indeed an opportunity to learn. I have chosen to be positive and actively support my wife in her transition, i am cognisant of the fact that i have no control over her or any of her decisions but i have control over me and the decisions or choices i make. I am making progress with managing the jelous, i say managing because i am still learning to deal with those kinds of feelings, some times i manage well and sometimes not so well but im not cutting myself any slack. I have to go through the motions for there is no gain without pain.

_________________
Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.


Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens.


Carl Jung


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 Post subject: Re: Seeking advice
PostPosted: Fri Aug 12, 2016 1:43 am 
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Joined: Fri Feb 20, 2015 4:32 pm
Posts: 76
Hi Carl

I too am in a similar boat. Through my destructive actions I drove my fiancé away. She tried for a very long time to forgive and be able to move past my indiscretions, but in the end it was just to much for her. I am very understanding of that now. I too was very jealous of her for being able to move on. It ate at my very core. I do still get twinges of it from time to time, but I focused on my recovery and what I needed to do to fix the wrongs in me. To start to rebuild my values, establish some boundries and start to make more smart decisions. So yes the jealousy was a tough pill to swallow, but in retrospect I've found peace in her moving forward in her life. By seeing her laugh and smile again it gave strength that I had not ruined this amazing woman who had only wanted to love me. It has eased a lot of my guilt and worry. She is still my biggest supporter and she still holds me accountable when I need her too, but it's as my friend now. As crazy as it sounds, one morning you'll have your epiphany moment and you'll start to feel happy for her and realize that you didn't ruin a special woman. Our addiction causes so much more pain and suffering for our loved ones, than we can imagine. I can't promise it will get better, only you can do that. But what I can say is that if your sincere in your want to change and your desire to change your life it will happen. I feel like RN has given me a chance at a life I could only imagine a short time ago.

Best of luck in your recovery to health.

Wanting


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