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 Post subject: Too late.......
PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2016 7:24 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2016 11:24 am
Posts: 4
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 27, 2016 6:58 pm Post subject: Being truthful
We had long talks. Told her my deepest, darkest secrets. Things I have never told anyone. One secret was a family secret. I told her what sites I was on. What kind of pictures I would Masterbate to. Told her that it was stress relief. Done during times when the stress and depression would be overwhelming and uncontrollable. Not everyday. Not all the time. But a lot over time. There would be times that I would not look at porn for months. I came clean. A day or two later after she told me she wanted me to take a polygraph test, I told her the last thing. Looking at pics on F/B pages.
She went ballistic and ended it. Ended us.
She told me There would be times when she would be mad and not talk for days and/or weeks. But now she wants, or did end it.
I should have told her. It was the last secret.
I feel better I told her, but now severely depressed she said it's over. I have the urgesbut have been successful in stopping them. Though it's been a couple of days, I stopped them and think I'm on the right path.
I miss her. I love her. We were going to do this together, my recovery, her healing, and us doing couple/partners.
Now I'm alone. Years ago my best friend went behind my back with my girlfriend. It crushed me he did that to me. Not her, but him. So now years later I NEVER let anyone close to be a friend. Any and all "friends" were from her. Acquaintances. No family.
No one. The depression is crushing. The sadness is deep. The loneliness is infinite.
I still am on the road to recovery but she doesn't care. She was my world. The pain and hurt I caused her will haunt me for the rest of my life. I loved her with such intensity and she was my best friend and I hers.


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 Post subject: Re: Too late.......
PostPosted: Sat Jul 30, 2016 9:14 am 
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Recovery Coach

Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 8:07 pm
Posts: 3642
Location: UK
Tyrion
it is NEVER too late
Not too late to start to recover
Not too late to live the life that you yearn for
Not too late to live happily ever after

So why not start to fix the issues in your life starting with the first RN lesson?
what have you got to lose?

_________________
Remember recovery is more than abstinence
Every transition begins with an ending
Do not confuse happiness with seeking pleasure
stay healthy keep safe
Coach Kenzo


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 Post subject: Re: Too late.......
PostPosted: Sat Jul 30, 2016 10:03 am 
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Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2016 11:24 am
Posts: 4
The life I yearned for was the one I had with her. We were best friends. We loved the SAME things. I mean everything we did, watched, done. Everything. This addiction has cost me everything. It's so depressing.
I'm working on changing my life. I don't, want, to live like I have been. It took most of my life to find her and now it's gone.
I will recover from this addiction, but not from her. Never. I have been hurt many times in the past. Not from the addition. Now this addiction has hurt the one I have truly loved and yearned for for all my life.
I will be healthy in my life but will always hurt.


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 Post subject: Re: Too late.......
PostPosted: Sun Jul 31, 2016 2:26 pm 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Sat Jun 04, 2011 10:57 pm
Posts: 317
Hi Tyrion,
Sorry for your loss, you may feel that pain, and now you must also deal with the loss of relationships in the past as well. Please don't take it the wrong way, but although your wife is broken and her life was totally shattered because the trust lost goes back to before you met, Now you must rebuild a life knowing that not only were you betrayed, but you have caused great harm by betraying your most trusted companion. It's a huge undertaking, so like Kenzo said, it can start right now with your first RN lesson.

With the necessary commitment to this process, you may find the way to get back to a life of meaning and satisfaction.
Rel8ed2


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 Post subject: Re: Too late.......
PostPosted: Sun Jul 31, 2016 3:38 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2016 11:24 am
Posts: 4
Thank you for the encouragement. I know,
Without a doubt, I will never recover from hurting her and the loss of her.
My recovery from this addiction will happen.
But my losing her will haunt me and sorrow me for the rest of my life. Yes, she is that good of a person. She was my soul mate.


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 Post subject: Re: Too late.......
PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2016 1:23 pm 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Thu Oct 24, 2013 12:26 pm
Posts: 189
Hi Tyrion

I know how you feel as im in exactly the same situation and im a repeat offender. I thought i had understood and learnt from the past. But alas, i had only achieved understanding at an intelectual level, i had not ingrained anything from skills to tools or anything else that could help me in a practical sense. I became complacent and it was just a matter of time before i fell back into the old ways.
Yes we feel pain for the loss of loved ones but its a selfish kind of pain, think about it, the pain we have caused them can not compare at any level. I still struggle to accept that she is gone but i must also look at how it woold be had the shoe been on the other foot. As much as it hurts, try to be supportive and understanding, putting yourself in her shoes and trying to see things from her perspective. The trust is broken and we have caused irreparable damage, the best we can do is accept what has happened and try to work on our recovery in earnest.
The worst thing you can do is continue to wallow in your pain and self pity, it will be very hard to have an honest recovery in that state. Its hard but try to pull yourself together, get involved in something like voluntary work, perhaps jogging or anything that can help you to pull out of that space so you can give recovery a fair chance. Set yourself small goals and keep some kind of routine or plan, read the lessons and do the exercises.
I hope this helps and good luck

_________________
Every form of addiction is bad, no matter whether the narcotic be alcohol or morphine or idealism.


Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakens.


Carl Jung


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